Extended - Thursday, October 20, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 10/20/2016

"Weird Al" Yankovic, Brent Weinbach and Kate Micucci read motherly campaign promises, list #SexyHorror and meet a "real" millennial voter in this extended, uncensored episode.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)FIRST UP-- PARENT IN CHIEF.

IN ANTICIPATION OF BEINGDISCOURAGED BY LAST NIGHT'S

DEBATE SHIT STORM, THE WEB SITEPOPWRAPPED FEATURED A LIST OF

PEOPLE THEY WISH WERE RUNNINGFOR PRESIDENT.

IT INCLUDED PEOPLE LIKE JOEBIDEN, BEYONCÉ AND... MY MOM?

WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)THEY REALLY DID.

THEY PUT MY MOM ON THEIR LIST.

THAT'S MY MOM, SHARON HILLS,@NERDISTMOM ON THE TWEETS.

SHE HAS MY VOTE, AND NOT JUSTBECAUSE SHE KNOWS ENOUGH OF MY

SECRETS TO DESTROY MY LIFE!

I LOVE YOU, MOM!

(LAUGHTER)DON'T EVER TELL ANYONE THE

THINGS WE TALK ABOUT.

STAY OUT OF MY ROOM AND STAY OUTOF MY DIARY!

COMEDIANS...

AND DROP ME OFF A BLOCK FROM THEMALL.

COME ON, MOM!

I DON'T WANT TO SEE EVERYONESEE ME GET OUT OF YOUR CAR.

(LAUGHTER)STOP TRYING TO HUG ME IN FRONT

OF MY FRIENDS!

(LAUGHTER)SUCH A BITCH, MOM.

I LOVE YOU.

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, GIVEN THAT MY MOM HAS

APPARENTLY SOME SORT OFPOLITICAL CAREER AHEAD OF HER,

WHAT'S A CAMPAIGN PROMISE A MOMMIGHT MAKE?

WEIRD AL.

>> I WILL BUILD A WALL AROUNDYOUR BED TO KEEP THE MONSTERS

WHO LIVE UNDERNEATH HER FROMATTACKING YOU.

>> HARDWICK: YES. OKAY, THANKYOU.

THANK YOU, YES. THANK YOU.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> ALTHOUGH, SOME, I ASSUME, ARE

GOOD PEOPLE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, YES, YES.

POINTS. BRENT.

>> IF ELECTED "MOM," I PROMISETO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE COOL

WITH THE FACT THAT I'M DATINGAGAIN BECAUSE IT'S MY BODY AND

MY LIFE, AND, BABY, STELLA HASGOT TO GET HER GROOVE BACK.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: JUST STOP BRINGING

BRAD AROUND.

BRAD'S A DICK.

(LAUGHTER)MAKES ME CLEAN MY ROOM.

HE'S NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

>> THAT'S SO CRAZY, 'CAUSEJORDAN WAS SAYING THAT BRAD IS

HIS MOM'S... THAT'S HIS STEPDAD,AND MY MOM'S DATING SOMEONE

NAMED BRAD RIGHT NOW, TOO.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?!

>> THAT'S SO CRAZY THAT YOU SAID"BRAD."

>> HARDWICK: DOWN WITH BRADS!

>> ALL: DOWN WITH BRADS!

DOWN WITH BRADS!

DOWN WITH BRADS!

>> WHY DID YOU PICK "BRAD?">> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> WHY DID YOU PICK BRAD?

>> HARDWICK: I'M SARCASTICALLYPSYCHIC.

WHEN I SAY THINGS SARCASTICALLY,THEY TURN OUT TO BE TRUE.

(LAUGHTER)WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY DICK LATER

OR SOMETHING?

(LAUGHTER)UH...

IT'S TIME FOR THE #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)EVERYONE LOOSEN UP, EVERYONE

LOOSEN UP.

SHOCKTOBER FEST, A HALLOWEENATTRACTION IN READING,

PENNSYLVANIA, WAS FAMOUS FORCHALLENGING ITS PATRONS TO GO

THROUGH A HAUNTED HOUSE IN THENUDE.

A NUDE HAUNTED HOUSE!

WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

BESIDES NOT HAVING ANYTHING TOCATCH THE POO WHEN IT GETS

SCARED OUT OF YOU.

(LAUGHTER)ALAS, THE NUDE OPTION WAS

CANCELED A FEW YEARS AGO, 'CAUSEPRUDES RUIN EVERYTHING.

BUT IT DID LEAVE US A FANTASTICSET UP FOR A JOKE.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#SEXYHORROR.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, RUPAUL'S DRACRACE, AND IT SWALLOWS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

AL.

>> NOCTURNAL EMISSION ON ELMSTREET.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

UH, KATE.

>> NIGHT OF THE GIVING HEAD.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

KATE.

>> FRIDAY THE 69TH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WEIRD AL.

>> ONCE YOU GO BLACK LAGOON, YOUNEVER GO BACK LAGOON.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

BRENT.

>> UH, THE BARE ITCH PROJECT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

WEIRD AL.

>> BEYONCÉ VERSUS PREDATOR.

>> HARDWICK (LAUGHING): POINTS.

BRENT.

>> AN AMERICAN PUBIC IN HARRIS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

KATE.

>> DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE ANDMRS. HYDE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

MRS. HYDE THE SALAMI. BRENT.

>> JASON SUCKS FREDDIE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

KATE.

>> THE UNZIPPED FLY.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

WEIRD AL.

>> UH, WANKENSTEIN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

THIS WEEK WE'RE TALKING WITH ASELF-PROCLAIMED NORMAL AMERICAN

MILLENNIAL WHO GREW UP INAMERICA ALL HIS LIFE,

JOHNNY YOUNG.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE,JOHNNY YOUNG.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> OH, THANKS, CHRIS.

I LOVE TEXTS, I LOVE NETFLIX ANDCHILL, DAWG.

SPELLED D-A-W-G, THE YOUNG WAY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GREAT.

UH, WELL, THAT-THAT KILLS ANYSU-SUSPICIONS I MIGHT HAVE HAD.

UH, JOHNNY, WHAT DO YOU THINKABOUT RUSSIA'S ALLEGED

INTERFERENCE IN OUR ELECTION?

>> HEY, CHILL OUT, MAN.

RUSSIA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITHIT.

(LAUGHS)BAZINGA!

>> HARDWICK: UH...

FIRST OF ALL, PLEASE DON'T EVERSAY THAT AGAIN, AND THEY DON'T?

>> NO, NO, CHRIS, YOU'VE BEENSMOKING TOO MUCH OF THAT STICKY

ICKY, WHICH I... WHICH I, AS ANAMERICAN MILLENNIAL, ALSO ENJOY

TO SMOKE AND RELAX WITH MY YOUNGFRIENDS.

>> HARDWICK: OH... OH, THAT'SAWFUL.

THAT'S BAD.

PLEASE...

PLE...

THANK YOU FOR CEASING YOUR DAB.

ACCORDING TO FORTUNE MAGAZINE,THOUGH, RUSSIAN HACKERS ARE

BELIEVED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOROBTAINING 19,000 PRIVATE E-MAILS

FROM THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.

>> YOU'RE STILL USING E-MAIL,OLD MAN?

THE NEW COOL THING IS SNAPCHAT.

YOU CAN SEND SECRET MESSAGES TOEVERY ONE OF YOUR MILLENNIUN

FRIENDS WHO HAVE INFILTRATEDEVERY LEVEL OF AMERICAN

GOVERNMENT AND THE MESSAGESAUTOMATICALLY SELF-DESTRUCT.

PLUS, THERE ARE FILTERS TO MAKEYOU LOOK LIKE A BUNNY.

(LAUGHS)WHAT A COUNTRY!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A DICK, BUTYOU SOUND LIKE AN OLDER EASTERN

EUROPEAN MAN AND YOU LOOK LIKEYOU RUN A PAGER STORE.

>> NO.

I'M FROM NEW JERSEY.

IT'S MY HIPSTER BEARD CONFUSINGYOU.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW.

JACK, CAN WE PULL UP THIS GUY'SCREDENTIALS, PLEASE?

I'M NOT SURE JOHNNY'S THE REALDEAL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON YOURPHONE?

>> AH, AH, AH.

>> HARDWICK: OH, COME ON.

>> AH, AH, AH.

AH, AH, AH.

>> TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

EPIC FAIL.

HARAMBE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, THAT HASNOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.

WHY ARE YOU CALLING OUT ADECEASED GORILLA NAME AND

HACKING MY SHOW AT THE SAMETIME?

>> I THINK THIS GUY MIGHT BEKIND OF DANGEROUS.

>> HARDWICK: UH, YEAH, I DON'TKNOW, I-I...

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)>> WAIT, COME ON, WHAT HAPPENED

TO MY POINTS?

>> HARDWICK: WHAT DID YOU DO?

>> THEY'RE GONE.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT DID YOU DO?

>> THEY'RE VLADIMIR PUTIN'SPOINTS NOW.

>> HARDWICK: NO, THAT'S IT.

THAT IS IT.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

YOU STOP THAT CLAPPING.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN FUCK WITH THEPRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, FINE, BUT

DON'T YOU DARE FUCK WITH THEINTEGRITY OF THE GAME PORTION

OF @MIDNIGHT, YOU SON OF ABITCH.

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU RUSSIANSPY!

A RUSSIAN SPY, EVERYONE.

>> NO, NO.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: STOP DABBING.

DON'T LET HIM DAB ANYMORE.