Monday, October 12, 2015

  • 10/12/2015

Megan Neuringer, Colin Hanks and Steve Agee create chants for protesters armed with dildos, ask #BetterDebateQuestions and try their hand at video-game voice acting.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS AT

AUSTIN STUDENTS ANNOUNCED ONFACEBOOK PLANS TO PROTEST THE

FACT THAT CURRENT SCHOOLREGULATIONS MEAN THEY CAN GET

IN MORE TROUBLE FOR CARRYINGAROUND A DILDO ON CAMPUS THAN A

GUN. TO BE CLEAR YOU CAN HAVE ADILDO, IT JUST HAS TO REMAIN

CONCEALED IN A PLACE YOU WOULDHOPEFULLY NEVER PUT A GUN.

[LAUGHING]>> I'M WEARING ONE RIGHT NOW.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: SO, ANYWAY, THIS IS AGREAT PROTEST.

THEY'RE STRAPPING DILDOS TOTHEIR BACKPACKS AND MARCHING

AROUND LIKE AROUSED NINJATURTLES.

YOU KNOW HONESTLY IN ALLSERIOUSNESS, ALL KIDDING ASIDE,

IT'S VERY IRONIC THATADMINISTRATIONS AT THE COLLEGE

WHOSE CLOCK TOWER WAS THE SITEOF ONE OF THE FIRST MASS

SCHOOL SHOOTINGS ARE LESSWORRIED ABOUT GUN SAFETY THAN IF

A STUDENT WILL HAVE ONE OFTHESE.

THIS ISN'T DANGEROUS UNLESSYOU'RE LIKE -- MY EYE, MY CHEEK.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: I JUST REMEMBERED THAT

MY MOM IS IN THE AUDIENCE.

[LAUGHING]>> OH.

[ APPLAUSE ][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ APPLAUSE ][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: FEEL REAL WEIRD RIGHTNOW.

FOLLOW HER AT@NERDISTMOM ON TWITTER.

DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT.

COMEDIANS, LET'S HOLD UP OURRUBBER FISTS IN SOLIDARITY WITH

THE UT STUDENTS AND GIVETHEM A CHANT FOR THEIR UPCOMING

PROTEST, WHICH, BY THE WAY,

THEY'RE CALLING#[BLEEP]SNOTGLOCKS. MEGAN.

>> HEY HEY, HO HO, THISDILDO'S GOTTA STAY INSIDE ME.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: IT'S SO CHIPPER AT THE

END.

POINTS TO MEGAN NEURINGER.

COLIN HANKS.

>> WHAT DO WE WANT?

COLORFUL RUBBER DICKS.

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

AS SOON AS OUR ROOMMATES LEAVETHE DORM ROOM.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

STEVE AGEE.

>> GIVE ME A D, GIVE ME AN I,GIVE ME AN L, GIVE ME A D GIVE

ME AN O.

WHAT DOES THAT SPELL?

I DON'T KNOW. I GO TO COLLEGE INTEXAS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> A LONG WAY TO GO.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: WE'VE ALREADY HAD,

WHAT IS IT? 137 REPUBLICANDEBATES? I DON'T COUNT WELL.

BUT TUESDAY NIGHT IT'S DEMOCRATSTURN TO BORE EVERYONE FOR THREE

FULL HOURS.

GREASED-UP NURSING HOME GIGLOJOE BIDEN HASN'T DECLARED HIS

CANDIDACY YET.

JUST IN CASE, CNN CORRESPONDENT@ACOSTA TIPPED US OFF THAT THEY

HAVE A PODIUM ON STAND BY.

THERE IT IS. IT'S MORE OF ALECTERN REALLY.

LOOK THERE'S ROOM UNDER HERE FORHIS COPY OF

BARELY LEGAL MAGAZINE. SO INHONOR OF THE NEXT SEEMINGLY

INTERMINABLE SERIES OF POINTLESSVERBAL SLAP FIGHTS,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#BETTERDEBATEQUESTIONS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:

DO TURTLES POOP IN THEIR SHELLS?OR

YOU GUYS SEE BEIBER'S WEINER?KID'S PACKIN' HEAT.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN. MEGAN.

IS [BLEEP] JUST WHITE PEE?

[BLEEP][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> IS IT JUST -->> IT'S NOT.

IT'S NOT.

>> IS IT THOUGH?

>> IT'S LITTLE BABIES.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: STEVE.

COLIN HANKS.

>> ARE YOU A COP?

YOU'RE NOT A COP ARE YOU?

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU'RE ACOP. YOU'RE NOT A COP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MEGAN NEURINGER.

>> I HAVE A QUESTION,CANDIDATES, "HOW DO YOU GET A

GUY TO STAY?"

>> Chris: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> WHAT IS THE BATHROOM CODE?

Chris: POINTS.

COLIN.

>> SEE THAT BEIBER DICK?

Chris: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> [BEEP], MARRY OR KILL:

GROUCHO, HARPO AND CHICO?

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY SKETCH COMEDY.

JANE ROSENBERG IS A COURTROOMARTIST WHO MADE THIS FAMOUS

PORTRAIT OF TOM BRADY.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: MADE HIM LOOK LIKE

HE'S NOT THE PLATONIC IDEAL OFHUMAN PHYSICAL PERFECTION?

BUT ROSENBERG IS JUST THE LATESTIN A LONG, PROUD TRADITION OF

REALLY NOT-GREAT COURTROOM--

"GET BACK UP THERE AND RINGTHE BELL."

COMEDIANS I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA BAD COURT ROOM SKETCH.

FOR 250 POINTS, I'M GONNA ASKYOU A FEW SIMPLE QUESTIONS.

UNDER OATH. HERE'S THE FIRSTONE.

WHAT DOES THIS MAN LOOK LIKEHE'S ACCUSED OF? STEVE.

>> TEACHING IMPROV.[LAUGHING]

Chris: YES, POINTS.

MEGAN NEURINGER.

>> NOT BEING ABLE TO [BEEP][LAUGHING]

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

WHAT IS THIS --[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: HAS THE JURY REACHED ADECISION, STEVE AGEE?

>> YES, YOUR HONOR, WE HAVEREACHED A DECISION IN MY PANTS.

DON'T FEEL OBLIGATED.

>> Chris: OH, WE DON'T. NOPOINTS.

OBJECTION.

OVERRULED.

COLIN.

>> YES, YOUR HONOR, WE FIND THEDEFENDANT OUT OF PROPORTION AND

WITH NO SENSE OF PERSPECTIVEWHATSOEVER.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: SHOW US ON THE WITNESS

WHERE ELVIRA'S VAGINA ASSAULTEDYOU.

MEGAN.

>> YES, YOUR HONOR, WE FIND THEDEFENDANT EXTREMELY TALENTED.

AND WE MISS HER EVERY DAY.

EVERY DAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

COMEDIANS --[LAUGHING]

>> OH MY GOD.

Chris: SOMEONE SPENT A LOT OFEXTRA COLORED PENCIL TIME AROUND

THAT AREA RIGHT THERE.

COMEDIANS, YOUR WITNESS.

MEGAN NEURINGER.

>> WHERE WERE YOU THE NIGHT THEVICTIM WAS MOTOR BOATED TO

DEATH?

>> Chris: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: COUNCILLOR HANKS.

>> MADAM, I WOULD LIKE TO THANKYOU FOR TRAVELING FROM 1981 TO

GIVE US YOUR TESTIMONY TODAY.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS,COUNCILLOR.

COUNCILLOR AGEE.

>> MRS. KRAVITZ, WHERE WERE YOUON -- BIG TITTIES -- LET ME

REPHRASE THE QUESTION.

AHOOOGA!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS FOR THAT.

FINALLY THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: COMEDIANS, COMEDIANS,

PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR CLOSINGSTATEMENTS.

COUNCILLOR AGEE.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THEJURY, CLEARLY MY CLIENT DRAWS AT

A SEVENTH GRADE LEVEL.

NO FURTHER -- I DON'T KNOW,WHATEVER.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

WELL -->> I DON'T KNOW.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> I DON'T KNOW.

Chris: I'M NOT KIDDING.

YOU DO HAVE A COURT-APPOINTEDATTORNEY VIBE TODAY?

>> MAY I APPROACH THE BENCH?

Chris: I WISH YOU WOULDN'T.

>> OKAY.

Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTSIF YOU DON'T.

>> OKAY, OKAY.

Chris: COUNCILLOR HANKS.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THEJURY, CLEARLY MY CLIENT IS

INNOCENT AND MELTING.

[LAUGHING][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BEFORE THE BREAK,I TOLD YOU ABOUT A POTENTIAL

STRIKE ON THE HORIZON FOR VIDEOGAME VOICE ACTORS, AND I ASKED

YOU TO AUDITION TO PLAY ACLASSIC VIDEO GAME CHARACTER.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH.

STEVE, I GAVE YOU SCORPIONFROM "MORTAL KOMBAT."

>> Y'ALL GOT A BAG OF FROZENPEAS?

JACKS CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD ANDHIT ME RIGHT UNDER THE CHIN.

EVERYONE KNOWS I HAVE A GLASSCAN.

>> Chris: SPECTACULAR VOICEWORK, STEVE.

>> THANKS, CHRIS.

Chris: COLIN, I GAVE YOU DONKEYKONG.

>> HELP, I'M A DONKEY. SOMEONEPUT ME IN AN APE SUIT.

BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M A[BEEP]ING DONKEY.

OR -- MY PENIS STARTS HERE ITENDS HERE.

IT STARTS HERE AND IT ENDS HERE.

IT STARTS HERE AND IT ENDS HERE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: MEGAN NEURINGER,

WE GAVE YOU THE INFAMOUS LONG,STRAIGHT "TETRIS" PIECE.

>> ASHLEY I HAVE WANTED THISFOR SO EVER SINCE I SAW YOU

ACROSS THE QUAD.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING TOOUR FRAT PARTY.

ASHLEY, THIS IS GONNA BE SOGOOD. IT'S MY FIRST TIME.

AND I'M JUST SO LOOKIN'FORWARD--WAIT HOLD ON.

ARE YOU ASLEEP? I CAN'T DO THIS.

[LAUGHING]

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,

DISCOVER DEEZ NUTS.

>> YEAH, NUTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: WERE YOU WONDERING WHY

YOUR MAIL WASN'T DELIVERED TODAYAND EVERYONE WAS BEING

EXTRA SELF-RIGHTEOUS ON SOCIALMEDIA?

WELL THAT'S BECAUSE IT'SCOLUMBUS DAY.

EVERYONE LOVES COLUMBUS DAY.

BIGGEST HOLIDAY AND AMERICANTRADITION. THIS IS THE TIME WHEN

WE CELEBRATE THE MURDEROUS SLAVETRADER WHO DIDN'T ACTUALLY

DISCOVER AMERICA, BUT ALL OF THEBANKS ARE CLOSED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: I THINK WE CAN DO

BETTER THAN COMMEMORATING SOMEITALIAN THAT BROUGHT SYPHILIS TO

THE NEW WORLD.

LET'S HEAR YOUR PITCHES FORSOMEONE WE SHOULD DEDICATE A

DAY TO INSTEAD OF COLUMBUS. I'MGONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> RYAN GOSLING.

AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALL THE BANKS ARE WET TODAY.

>> TOM HANKS. RIGHT, COLIN?

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

MEGAN.

>> OH, THE GUY AT CHIPOTLE WHOGIVES ME DOUBLE MEAT FOR FREE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

STEVE AGEE.

>> MY WEED DEALER, CHRIS.

HIS NAME IS NOT CHRIS.

YOUR NAME IS CHRIS.

MY WEED DEALER IS DR. FIENSTEIN.

>> Chris: POINTS. COLIN.

>> CHRIS COLUMBUS, THE DIRECTOROF "HOME ALONE."

> Chris: AND A COUPLE OF"HARRY POTTERS."

>> THE WOMAN WHO GIVES ME MYBRAZILIAN WAX.

VERY TENDER HANDS.

>> THE PERSON WHO GIVES YOU A BJWHEN YOU GET BACK FROM THE GYM

AND HAVEN'T SHOWERED YET.

[BEEP] YOU GUYS.