CC Presents: Steve Byrne

  • 03/02/2006

WHAT'S UP, NEW YORK CITY?

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

AH--

SMOOTH.

WHAT'S GOING ON, EVERYBODY? HOW ARE WE DOING TONIGHT?

- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]- NICE.

WHERE ARE ALL THE ASIANS TONIGHT?

- [CHEERING] - GOOD. NICE.

KOREAN AND IRISH, ACTUALLY. IT'S WEIRD, WE'RE LIKE A MIX,

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE JUST WANT TO PLAY DETECTIVE WITH YOUR FACE.

LIKE NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN, THEY'RE POLITE, LIKE SO,

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHERE YOU FROM? I'M LIKE, "PITTSBURGH."

THEY'RE LIKE, "PITTSBURGH, RIGHT. SERIOUSLY, THOUGH.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"I'M LIKE, "PITTSBURGH."

LIKE I'M FROM SOME MUTANT ISLAND SOUTH OF THE PHILIPPINES,

THE ISLAND OF HALF ASIA. IT'S JUST ME, KEANU REEVES

AND TIGER WOODS ON A BEACH ALL DAY PLAYING VOLLEYBALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, DADDY'S GOT A BAD BACK.

OH, DADDY'S GOTTA LAY DOWNFOR TICKETY, TOO.

OH. WHAT'S GOING ON, BUDDY?

YOU EVER HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH A GIRL, MAN, LYING DOWN LIKE THIS AT ALL?

LOOK ME IN THE EYEBALLS.DO YOU LIKE POPSICLE'S?

LET'S FACE IT. THIS IS AN AWFUL WAY FOR A MAN TO LAY DOWN, RIGHT?

LIKE IF YOU'RE A GUY, YOU DON'T WANT TO WALK IN

YOUR BUDDY'S PLACE AND HE'S LYING...

"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?""YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"WHAT, I THOUGHT WE COULD JUST SHARE SOME FIG NEWTONS."

"WHAT THE HELLARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

SO I FIGURED OUT THERE'S ONLY THREE WAYS A MAN CAN

LAY DOWN LIKE THIS. NUMBER ONE, BURT REYNOLDS. HE'S BURT. HE'S COOL.

CASE CLOSED. SECOND WAY,MAGICIAN. OKAY.

AFTER A REALLY,REALLY GOOD MAGIC TRICK.

"YOU LIKE THAT? OF COURSE YOU DID. IT'S MAGIC."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, THIRD WAY-- FOR SOME REASON,

ANY FAMILY PORTRAIT HANGING ABOVE THE FIREPLACE

THE FATHER IS ALWAYS-- LIKE YOU LIKE THAT, THREE KIDS.

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM-- FEAR THE REAPER.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - FEAR THE REAPER.

I LIKE THAT, VERY NICE.YEAH, GOOD ENERGY.

- GOOD EN-- NO.- [LAUGHTER]

JUST JOKING.I LOVE COUPLES.

AH, GENTLEMEN,A LITTLE PIECE OF ADVICEFROM A GENTLEMEN HERE

TO SOME OTHER GENTLEMEN HERE WITH SOME GORGEOUS LADIES,

GORGEOUS. KEEP YOUR EYES ON 'EM. OKAY?

'CAUSE THEY'VE BEEN LOOKING AT ME THE WHOLE TIME

I'VE BEEN ON STAGE.GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY.

GIRLS, STOP THROWING DADDY HEAT.I GOT IT. YOU'RE INTO IT.

BACK IT UP. GIRLS, DON'T KNOW THAT YOU CAN HANDLE THIS.

DON'T KNOW THAT WE HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS.

I LIKE MONEY.DON'T KNOW IF YOU CANHANDLE MY MONEY, GIRLS.

DOUBT IT. DON'T KNOW IF YOU COULD HANDLE THAT.

BACK UP.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

VELCRO, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT IS, YEAH.

GIRLS, WHEN I POP THAT OPEN IN A BAR

THEY KNOW IT'S A HIGH-ROLLER THEY'RE DEALING WITH, OKAY?

- [VELCRO WALLET OPENING] - WHO'S THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY LOOK, I LIKE BEINGPART OF A COUPLE, OKAY.

THERE'S ONLY TWO TIMES I DON'T LIKE BEING PART OF A COUPLE.

NUMBER ONE, VIDEO STORE. I HATE GOING

TO THE VIDEO STORE WITH A GIRL.I'D RATHER SPEND THE NIGHT

AT NEVERLAND RANCH. THAT'S HOW PAINFUL OF AN ORDEAL IT IS, OKAY?

JUST A TO Z ALONG THE NEW RELEASE WALL--

"OH, YOU WANT TO SEE THAT? NO? OH-- NO? WANT TO SEE IT?

"NO. WHY ARE WE HERE?

SERIOUSLY, WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE? I HATE YOU."

SECOND TIME I DON'T LIKE TO BE WITH THE LADIES, SLEEPING.

I LOVE SLEEP. OKAY? I LOVE SLEEP SO MUCH

SLEEP IS THE FIRST THING I THINK ABOUT WHEN I WAKE UP.

YOU EVER DO THAT? JUST UGH, I CAN'T WAIT TO DO THAT AGAIN.

UGH. I'LL DO IT NOW. ZZZZZZZZZ.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YES!

BUT THIS IS WHY I DON'T LIKE SLEEPING NEXT TO THE LADIES, OKAY,

'CAUSE WOMENARE ALWAYS COLD, ALWAYS.

WHEN A WOMAN LIES DOWN, THE BODY TEMPERATURE PLUMMETS

ANOTHER 15 TO 20 DEGREES. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

IT ALWAYS HITS THEMLIKE IT'S SOMETHING NEW.

LIKE IT'S SOMETHING SHOCKING.

NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THEIR LIFE.

JUST LAY DOWN, JUST-- OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

I'M STILL COLD.I AM SO COLD.

THEN THEY HAVE TO DRAG YOU INTO IT.

HEY, ARE YOU COLD LIKE ME?

NO, THAT'S WHY I'M UNDER A BLANKET LIKE YOU.

OH, WELL, IS IT OKAY IF I JUST BURROW THE BACKSIDE OF MY BODY INTO YOURS

SO YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE AT ALL,

CAN'T SLEEP AT ALL TONIGHT? IS THAT OKAY, IF I DO THAT?

- IS THAT OKAY? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME HERE. COME HERE. LET'S KEEP EACH OTHER WARM.

LET'S KEEP EACH OTHER WARM. I'M SO COLD. I'M SO COLD.

I'M SO COLD. YES, SO ARE YOUR FEET. GET 'EM OFF ME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S WHY I SLEEP LIKE THE HEISMAN TROPHY, LIKE THIS.

BEAT IT. GET AWAY, NOT NOW. HEARD IT ALL BEFORE. GET LOST.

'CAUSE LADIES, I LOVE YOU, BUT I HATE YOUR FEET. OKAY?

WOMEN'S FEET, FOR THE MOST PART,PRETTY JACKED, OKAY. ROUGH SKIN.

BUNIONS, CORNS, JAGGED NAILS. WHY? YOU WEAR CRAMPED HEELS.

WE DON'T WEAR IT. WE FIGURED IT OUT. CATCH UP.

WOMEN LOVE BOOTS WITH HEELS.

THAT LOOKS GREAT THE FIRST HOUR OR TWO OF THE NIGHT.

THEN THE REST OF THE NIGHT, THAT'S ALL YOU HEAR ABOUT,

"OH MY GOD, MY FEET HURT SO BAD.

OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY, PLEASE IT'S UNBELIEVABLE."

ANY BAR, CLUB, TWO, THREE IN THE MORNING, NEW YORK CITY,

IT'S LIKE A THRILLER VIDEO. JUST HORDES OF GIRLS.

JUST GET THE CARDS, GET A CAB. OH, MY GOD-- OH, JESUS. OH.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

WHEN YOU HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER INVOLVED IN A WAR

PEOPLE WANT TO TALK POLITICS WITH YOU.

AND I'LL TELL YOU THIS:I HATE TALKING POLITICS.

'CAUSE PEOPLE GET TOO HEATED, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY GET TOO PASSIONATEABOUT IT SOMETIMES.

IT'S JUST AN OPINION, YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU FOR ABORTION OR AGAINST IT?

I'M FOR IT. I'M AGAINST IT! NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

YOU GET A TWO BY FOUR ACROSS THE BACK OF THE LEGS.

SO HERE'S HOW YOU AVOID

ANY POLITICAL CONFRONTATION AT ALL, OKAY,

THERE'S TWO EASY RULES THAT I'M ABOUT TO GIVE YOU,

NUMBER ONE, YOU DELIVER THE ONE SENTENCE

I WILL TELL YOU IN A FEW SECONDS.

NUMBER TWO, AFTER YOUDELIVER THE SENTENCE, WALK AWAY.

THAT'S IT. SO IF SOMEBODY'S LIKE,

HEY, ARE YOU FOR THE WAR OR AGAINST IT?

THIS IS HOW YOU RESPOND: YOU KNOW, LAST TIME, I CHECKED,THIS WAS AMERICA.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

NOW, BY THE TIME THEY REALIZE IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE,

YOU'RE GONE. ALL RIGHT.

I LOVE NEW YORK CITY. THIS IS A GREAT CITY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES.

YOU GET TO SEE A LOT IN THIS CITY.

I HAVE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMEBODY SO GAY

YOU'RE ACTUALLY WORRIEDFOR HIS OWN SAFETY?

- [LAUGHTER] - GOOD. OKAY.

I WAS DRIVING THE OTHER DAY. ALMOST GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

I THINK IT'S FUNNYWHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLEWHEN THEY ALMOST WRECK.

LIKE WOMEN, YOU'RE A LOT MORE RATIONAL.

YOU PULL OVERTO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.YOU TAKE A BREATHER.

- YOU KNOW, JUST-- [SOBBING] - [LAUGHTER]

"I ALMOST DIED. I HAVE TO CALL SOMEBODY."

GIRLS ALWAYS HAVE TO CALL SOMEBODY

WHEN SOMETHING SLIGHTLY TRAUMATIC ALMOST HAPPENS.

"OH, MY GOD, YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT ALMOST HAPPENED."

"LET ME GUESS... NOTHING, 'CAUSEIT'S ALMOST. GOODBYE." CLICK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GUYS, THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE. A GUY ALMOST HITS ANOTHER GUY.

YOU LOSE YOUR MIND. I'M JUST DRIVING.

"OH, WHAT? I HATE YOU!"

WANT TO FIGHT. THEN THERE'S THAT AWKWARD RACE TO THE STOPLIGHT.

YOU GET TO THE STOPLIGHT. ONE GUY'S GOT TO

OUT-CRAZY EVERYBODY BY GETTING OUT OF THE CAR.

"DUDE, WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM?

"YEAH, WE ALMOST KILLED EACH OTHER, BUT NOW WE'RE SAFE.

"SO GET OUT OF THE CAR SO WE CAN BEAT THE [BLEEP]

- OUT OF EACH OTHER." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING?

GET IN A CAR ACCIDENT, RIGHT? WHAT'S THE SECOND? FLAT TIRE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

A FLAT TIRE'SSUCH AN AWFUL EXPERIENCE

THAT THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES IT'S HAPPENING, YOU'RE IN COMPLETE DENIAL.

LIKE YOU'RE JUST GONNA DRIVE IT OFF. HUH?

[NOISE IN BACKGROUND]

[NOISE IN BACKGROUND]

THAT'S GOT TO BE THE ROAD. [NOISE CONTINUES]

THEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE A FLAT.

THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE START DRIVING NEXT TO YOU--

[HORNS HONKING]YOU GOT A FLAT.

WELL, THANK YOU,GUARDIAN ANGEL SENT FROMTHE HEAVENS IN A CIVIC.

THANK YOU. LIKE THEY DID IT. AND YOU GET OUT OF THE CAR

AND YOU'VE GOT TOBRACE YOURSELF OVER AHIGHWAY DIVIDER OF CARS

BLAZING BY 90 MILES PER HOUR JUST-- [PANTING]-- OH MY GOD--

TRYING TO JACK YOUR CAR BEFORE THAT RIG COMES AND RIPS YOUR BODY IN HALF.

BUT OF COURSE, THE GIRLS IN THE CAR SAFE AS CAN BE,

"WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?" "WELL, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP, IS WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE."

"ARE YOU ALMOST DONE, 'CAUSE I'M BORED?"

"I'M ALMOST DONE. SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN YOU'VE GOT TO DEAL WITH THAT TRACTOR TRAILER WIND.

YOU EVER FELT THAT WIND?IT'S LIKE LIGHTNING AND THUNDER.

YOU SEE IT FIRST AND THEN YOU FEEL IT.

JUST WORKING ON A CAR--[AAAEERRR...]

BUT I WAS-- OH, MY GOD!

EVERYTHING GETS KICKED UP, DIRT, GLASS.

YOU GET HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A DEAD RACCOON AND A DIRTY NIKE.

STEVE, WHAT MOVIE MADE YOU CRY THE MOST? I SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST CUT TO THE CHASE. WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME

WHAT MOVIE MADEYOU CRY THE MOST

INSTEAD OF HAVING ME INVEST IN THIS HORRENDOUS CONVERSATION

WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE, OKAY, BECAUSE YOU REALLY DON'T CARE?

SO, CRAIG, WHAT MOVIE MADE YOU CRY THE MOST?

GUESS WHAT HE TOLD ME? STUART LITTLE.

HE SAID HE CRIED EIGHT TIMES DURING THE MOVIE

BECAUSE IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT BEING ACCEPTED AND INSTANTLY,

I KNEW OUR FRIENDSHIP HAD JUST ENDED.

THERE'S A REAL MAN.HE KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

BUT THE LAST MOVIE I DID SEE WAS A MOVIE CALLED THE GRUDGE.

NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, IT WAS DONE TWICE,

AN AMERICAN VERSION, A JAPANESE VERSION.

IT'S A HORROR FILM ABOUT A HOUSE THAT'S HAUNTED

BY A LITTLE ASIAN BOY WHO TALKS LIKE A CAT.

SOUNDS CUTE, BUT IT'S NOT. OKAY?

I RENTED IT BY MYSELFIN A HOUSE IN CALIFORNIADURING A THUNDERSTORM.

I PUT THE MOVIE ON TEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT.

AT 11:48, THE MOVIE ENDED. AT 11:53, MY POWER WENT OUT.

AND I WAS SCARED. OKAY?

AND I DON'T HAVE CANDLES IN MY HOME, OKAY? I'M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL.

I'M A GROWN MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE IN MY HOUSE

IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES,I'VE DISCOVERED?

STAR WARS LIGHT SABER. I'M NOT JOKING.

WALK AROUND MY HOUSE SCARED OUT OF MY MIND,

A TOY,WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? [BLEEP].

IN MY BATHROOM, DOOR IS SHUT, BRUSHING MY TEETH IN ONE HAND.

LIGHT SABER IN THE OTHER. IT'S GLOWING, GOING--

- [EEEERRRR, EEEERRRR...]-- - [LAUGHTER]

AND I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I OPENED THE BATHROOM DOOR

AND SAW A HALF NAKED SIX YEAR OLD JAPANESE BOY

THAT OPENED HIS MOUTH AND MEOWED,

I WOULD HAVE CRAPPED MY PANTS AND HAD A HEART ATTACK.

OH MY GOD. EVERYTHING'S FAILING.OH MY GOD. JESUS, TAKE ME NOW.

IT'S TOO MUCH TO BEAR. SWEET LORD!

IF THAT MOVIE WASN'T SCARY, YOU KNOW WHAT WAS SCARY?

THE CIRCUMSTANCES WERE SCARY, OKAY?

'CAUSE TO ME, THE SCARIEST MOVIEI EVER SAW WAS PSYCHO.

TO THIS DAY, I CAN'T TAKE A SHOWER

WITHOUT SHUTTINGTHE DOOR AND LOCKING IT.

BECAUSE THAT'S AN AWFUL WAY TO DIE, FOR THREE REASONS,

NUMBER ONE, YOU'RE GETTING HACKED TO DEATH, REPEATEDLY,

WITH A KITCHEN KNIFE. IT'S NOT QUICK.

NUMBER TWO, IT'S A TRANNIE. DO I HAVE TO REPEAT THAT?

- [LAUGHTER] - DIDN'T THINK SO.

NUMBER THREE-- HERE'S THE KICKER-- YOU'RE BUTT NAKED.

NOW, THAT'S A LOT TO TAKE IN YOUR LAST MINUTES ON EARTH,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO WAKE UP AND START THE DAY.

"GONNA WASH MY HAIR, GONNA-- [SLASH]-- "WHAT THE HELL'S

GOING ON HERE? SERIOUSLY, GET AWAY."

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE A DUDE AND ANOTHER DUDE IS MESSING

WITH YOU NAKED, YOU DO THREE THINGS.

YOU CUP THE GOODS,YOU GIGGLE AND YOU KICK.

SERIOUSLY. NOW IS NOT A GOOD TIME TO KILL ME."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

ONE IS THAT RIGHT THERE. ANOTHER ONE,

I WANT TO GO IN THEMIDDLE OF CENTRAL PARK,SUNDAY, KIDS PLAYING.

PEOPLE PICNICKING.GAY GUYS ROLLER-SKATING.

AND I JUST WANT TO STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF SHEEP'S MEADOW LIKE THIS

AND EVERYBODY GOES, "WHAT THE HELL?"

AND THEN A BIRD LANDS ON MY FINGER.

I ALWAYS WANTED A BIRD TO LAND ON MY FINGER.

ANOTHER ONE, WHEN I'M IN A BANK AND THE COP'S THERE

AND HE'S GOT HIS BACK TO ME AND THE GUN'S RIGHT THERE,

I ALWAYS WANT TO GRAB IT. LIKE YES, THERE YOU GO.

SORRY.JUST WANTED TO DO THAT.

THANK YOU, OFFICER. THERE'S NO NEED TO--

BUT MY ULTIMATE FANTASYOF ALL MY FANTASIES,

NOTHING SEXUAL, I WANT TO CATCH A SQUIRREL.

I WANT TO CATCH A SQUIRREL SO BAD IT HURTS MY HEART.

THE KIND OF PAIN,I WANT TO JUST SIT DOWN

ON A RAINY AFTERNOON WITH JOHN MAYER JUST WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT.

EVERY TIME I'M IN A PARK AND I SEE ONE OF THOSE RUN

AND DO THAT CUTE LITTLEBREAK DANCE THING, OH.

I JUST WANT TO SPRING UP LIKE A CHEETAH, CATCH IT.

OH, SQUIRREL, I AM FASTER THAN YOU!

YOU KNOW WHATI'M GONNA DO, ACTUALLY?

I'M GONNA CATCH A SQUIRREL WITH MY BARE HANDS.

I'LL CHOKE IT TO DEATH. THEN I'LL GO LIKE THIS. YES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS A HOT SHOW, SUCH A HOT SHOW.

I'M GONNA GO HOME AFTER A HOT SHOW LIKE THIS

AND GIVE MYSELF A TREAT,A REWARD WITH A BOWL OF

- MACARONI AND CHEESE.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AH-- WARMS THE SOUL.

NOW, HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART OF THE MEAL.

IT'S NOT EVEN EATING IT.IT'S PREPARING IT.

DO THIS NEXT TIME IN YOUR BOWL.

TAKE A SPOON DIP IT IN YOUR PASTA AND JUST STIR IT.

HERE'S THE TRICK. DO NOT EAT IT.

JUST LISTEN.TEACH YOURSELF.

YOU'LL APPRECIATE ITTHAT MUCH MORE WHEN YOU EAT IT.

YEAH. TAKE A SPOON. JUST DIP IT IN.

- JUST-- [CHEESE BUBBLING]-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, I GOT TO STOP. I GET HUNGRY WHEN I HEAR THAT NOISE.

I THINK EVERYBODY LIKES MACARONI AND CHEESE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHO LOVES IT. MY NEIGHBOR IN MY BUILDING.

THIS WOMAN, SHE HAD A BOWL LAST NIGHT AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING

FOR AN HOUR AND 17 GOD-AWFUL MINUTES.

I KNOW BECAUSE I HAD MY EAR UP AGAINST THE WALL.

AND ALL NIGHT LONG, ALL I HEAR-- [CHEESE BUBBLING]...

[MOANING, CHEESE BUBBLING]

SO GOOD. EAT IT.

I RAN NEXT DOOR. I WAS LIKE--[KNOCKS]-- HEY,

DON'T EAT SO FAST. YOU'RE GONNA CHOKE.

YEAH, I LOVE THAT NOISE. THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL NOISE.

I WISH THAT NOISE WAS MY RING TONE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, GUYS? I-- [CHEESE BUBBLING]

HELLO? GRANDMA, OH, GOD.

[LAUGHTER]

IS THIS NEW YORK CITY OR NEWARK?

ARE YOU PEOPLE-- I HEAR PEOPLE HAVING SEX ALL THE TIME.

STAY IN A LOT OF HOTEL ROOMS. SHOW BUSINESS. YEAH.

YOU WALK DOWN THE HALL.IT'S LIKE 2:00, 3:00AM.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU HEAR IT.

AND THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLEWHEN YOU HEAR IT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HEAR IT.SOMEBODY DIDN'T STUB THEIR TOE.

NO. JUST WALKING-- UHH!- WHAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- AHH!- YEAH?

LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HELP OUT, YOU KNOW.

- UGH!- YOU NEED ME? - [LAUGHTER]

WHEN YOU HEAR IT, IT'S LIKE FUNNY/DEPRESSING RIGHT AT THE SAME MOMENT.

YOU'RE JUST-- UGH!-- AWWWW!

BUT HERE'S THE DEAL.

YOU DON'T HEAR PEOPLE HAVING SEX.

YOU HEAR WOMEN HAVING SEX,BECAUSE GIRLS ARE THE SCREAMERS.

WHEN A GIRL'SA SCREAMER, SHE'S EITHERPOSITIVE OR NEGATIVE.

SHE'S EITHER YES, YES, OR THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE, NO, NO, NO.

JUST ONCE, I WANT TO HEAR A GIRL LIKE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE,

LIKE MAYBE, MAYBE, PERHAPS.

BUT IT'S ALWAYS GIRLS. HMM. YOU NEVER HEAR GUYS.

AHHHHH! AHHHHH!OH MY GOD! ZZZZZZZZZZ...

GET YOUR FEET OFF ME. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- OH DEAR. - SSH.

I WANT YOU TO COME UP WITH ANYTHING.

THE FIRST THINGTHAT COMES TO YOUR MIND,I'LL DO A JOKE ABOUT IT.

MAKE IT AS VAGUE OR AS OBSCURE AS YOU WANT IT TO BE,

AND I'LL DO A JOKEABOUT WHAT WOULD IT BE.

- GOATS.- OKAY.

SAY THAT ONE MORE TIMESO EVERYBODY CAN HEAR YOU.

- GOATS. - OKAY. I WILL NOW DO A JOKE

BASED ON HER SUGGESTIONON DOGGIE STYLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY. I THINK I GOT IT.THIS ONE GOES OUT TO THE LADIES.

I FEEL BAD FOR THE LADIES WHEN YOU DO THE DOGGIE STYLE.

BECAUSE YOU BECOME PART SEXUAL BEING,

PART WORLD'S STRONGEST WOMAN COMPETITION CONTESTANT, OKAY.

NOW, EVERYBODY, DROP TO A KNEE AND GET CLOSER.

PAY ATTENTION.

- 'CAUSE THE LADIES ARE... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE LADIES ARE ALWAYS HUNCHED OVER ON ALL FOURS LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

NOW, IT'S ALWAYS LIKE EIGHT MINUTES IN

THAT THE SHOULDERSWILL GET A LITTLE WEAK.

LIKE, "OH, MY ARMS HURT. HURRY.

I'M SO SORE, MY ARMS HURT, MY GOD."

NINE MINUTES. THAT'S WHEN THE ELBOWS START TO GO,

"OH, YOU'D BETTER HURRY, SERIOUSLY.

NOW, YOU'RE JUSTBEING SELFISH.

PLEASE, HANK. PLEASE SPEED IT UP."

TEN MINUTES, NO GIRL MAKES IT PAST TEN.

THEY'RE ALL LIKE THIS AND THEY FLOP DOWN LIKE THIS.

JUST PUT THE ASS OUTLIKE A LITTLE KITTY CAT.I'M LAZY. I'M LAZY.

OH, THAT'S SO GREAT. THANK YOU GUYS, VERY MUCH.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. GOD BLESS.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Services www.mCCaption.com

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