Tuesday, June 24, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01084
  • 06/24/2014

In the 100th episode, Nikki Glaser, Ron Funches and Doug Benson write lines from the new "Star Wars" movie, list #RejectedHashtags and perform @midnight fan fiction.

>> IT'S IS 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON VINE TODAY.

THE VINEAVERSE WENT CRAZY WHENHUMAN ENERGY DRINK AND MEXICAN

SOCCER COACH MIGUEL HERRERA LOSTHIS FREAKIN' MIND WHEN MEXICO

DEFEATED CROATIA 3-1.

NOW HERE IT LOOKS LIKE HE'SDOING HIS BEST IMPRESSION OF A

PUPPY WHO HAS JUST BEEN LET OUTOF A CAR ALL DAY.

I GET OUT OF THE CAR? HOORAY!

LA COACHA!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]SO WHY THE OVERREACTION?

WELL, RUMOR HAS IT THAT SEVERALCARTELS HAD MONEY ON THE GAME

AND IF THEY LOST, ZETAS WOULDCUT OFF HIS HEAD.

AND KICK IT AROUND LIKE A SOCCERBALL.

INCIDENTALLY, I DON'T KNOW IFYOU GUYS YOU KNOW, BUT HE ALSO

HAD A LONG-STANDING CAREER AS ADEFENDER PLAYING FOR 14 YEARS.

HERE'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.MULLETO!

REDDIT USERS ROUNDED UP THISNOSTALGIA CARD SHOWING WHAT HE

LOOKED LIKE AS A PLAYER.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M AMERICAN, IDON'T KNOW A TON ABOUT SOCCER.

I ASSUME DEFENDER IS A POSITIONON THE TEAM.

BUT WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINKMIGUEL HERRERA DEFENDED BACK

IN THE DAY?

NIKKI GLASER, GO.

>> HIS VIRGINITY.

RON FUNCHES.

>> HIS COCAIN HABBIT TO HISLOVED ONES.

>> DOUG BENSON, GO.

>> WHEN MAKING IMPORTANTDECISIONS, HE DEFENDED HIS RIGHT

TO MULL IT OVER.

>> OH, GOD DAMNIT. I'M MAD.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]I'M ALL NERVOUS.

I JUST SAW DOUG BLOWING ON HISBUZZ-IN FINGER.

HE'S GOT IT DOWN.

NIKKI'S RUBBING HERS IN A FASTERAND FASTER FASHION.

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY. ON THATPODIUM, I COULD NEVER FIND THAT

BUTTON

>> THAT'S RIGHT. YOU JUST GOTTAWAIT FOR IT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

SO STAR WARS EPISODE VII MIGHTBE IN SOME TROUBLE.

NEWS CAME OUT IN TWITTER THATHARRISON FORD SUFFERED A REAL

BROKEN LEG TRIPPING OVER A FAKEDOOR ON A SPACE SHIP.

A FAKE SPACE SHIP.

FORD WILL BE REQUIRED TO TAKEOFF THE NEXT 147 PARFECTS,

A.K.A. SIX MONTHS.

SO, COMEDIANS, WHICH IS A REALTWEET ABOUT HARRISON FORD?

A, WTF, BITCH, HARRISON FORD ATANY AGE IS SUGAR DADDY.

PANTY-DROPPING HOT.

B, THE SPECIAL EDITION OFEPISODE VII, IT WILL BE REVEALED

THAT THE LEG ACTUALLY BROKE HAN.

C, HARRISON FORD WITH ONE LEG ISSTILL BETTER THAN HAYDEN

CHRISTIANSEN WITH TWO.#JUSTSAYING

WHAT'S THE CORRECT ANSWER, RONFUNCHES?

>> I'M GOING GO WITH "A" BECAUSETHAT'S TRUE NO MATTER WHAT YOUR

SEXUAL PREFERENCES.

>> LET'S FIND OUT. THE CORRECTANSWER IS "A"!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]FANTASTIC.

FOR BONUS POINTS, COMEDIANS,GIVE US ONE OF HAN SOLO'S LINES

FROM EPISODE 7. NIKKI GLASER.

>> MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU ANDA NURSE BE WITH ME.

ALRIGHT I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS,ALTHOUGH I DON'T FEEL LIKE HAN

WOULD HAVE TECHNICALLY SAID...

>> I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUTANY OF THIS.

>> OKAY.

FINE.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]RON FUNCHES?

>> YEAH, I SHOT FIRST.

THESE DAYS I'M HAPPY IF I JUSTSHOOT AT ALL.

>> GOOD. POINTS. [APPLAUSE]

>> A REDDIT USER POSTED APICTURE WITH THE CAPTION

"I DON'T LIKE MY NEW NAMEBADGE."

SO PERFECT.

SO BEAUTIFUL.

DANCE LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLEHAVE TO DIE IN SUCCESSION BEFORE

YOU BECOME ASS PRESIDENT.

>> TWO.>> IT IS JUST TWO?

>> IT'S TWO.

BUT COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE THE MAINDUTIES OF THE ASS TREASURER?

NIKKI GLASER.

>> THAT'S KANYE'S POSITIONCORRECT?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> YES.

HE HAS A SURPLUS, AND IT IS AGROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]I GOT TO BE HONEST, I THOUGHT WE

WERE GOING TO [BLEEPED] RUN OUTOF THESE LIKE TWO MONTHS AGO.

WE'VE USED A LOT OF DIFFERENTHASHTAGS ON THE SHOW AND

WHILE IT MAY LOOK LIKE A MONKEYWITH A TYPEWRITER CHOOSES AN

ADJECTIVE AND A NOUN, THERE'S SOMUCH MORE TO IT THAN THAT.

THE MONKEY HAS A LAPTOP.

AND HE'S REALLY GOOD.

SO FOR OUR 100TH HASHTAGWAR, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

"REJECTED HASHTAGS."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]EXAMPLES OF REALLY BAD REJECTED

HASH TAGS MIGHT BE # WORSTETHNICITIES.

#GOOFY RELIGIONS.

#SNITCHES BE LIKE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

DOUG BENSON.

>> KARDASHIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

>> POINTS, YEAH, WE REJECTEDTHAT ONE. NIKKI.

>> MOVIES KEVIN HART ISN'T IN.

>> YES.

WE GAVE THAT THE BOOT TWO MONTHSAGO. YES, DOUG BENSON.

>> [BLEEPED] MY [BLEEPED].

>> WOULD THAT BE IN ALL CAPS:FREEDOM!

>> SOMEONE ELSE.>> SWIM!

NIKKI GLASER.

>> DAD'S FAVORITE POSITION.

>> POINTS. RON FUNCHES?

>> YOUR BABY MIGHT BE RACIST IF.

>> POINTS. RON?

>> THROW UP THURSDAY.

>> TUT, I CAN'T WAIT.

DOUG?

>> DESTROY A CHILDHOOD.

>> POINTS.

NIKKI?

>> FAV HATE CRIMES.

[APPLAUSE]POINTS.

NIKKI?

>> SLOW JAMZ THAT DON'T REMINDME OF JEREMY.

>> POINTS. DOUG.

>> RUIN A HOLOCAUST MOVIE.

>> OKAY.

UM, SCHINDLER'S FIST.

SWEET EMOJI.

EARLIER THIS MONTH EMOJIPEDIAUNVEILED A LIST OF 250 NEW EMOJI

AVAILABLE NEXT MONTH, BRINGINGUS EVER CLOSER TO A FUTURE OF

WORDLESS TEXT MESSAGES THAT WILLLOOK EERILY SIMILAR TO CAVE

DRAWINGS OF OUR ANCESTORS.

SO COMEDIAN, I'LL SHOW YOU ASERIES OF OLD SCHOOL EMOJI AND I

WANT YOU GUYS TO TRANSLATE THEMINTO SENTENCES. VERY SIMPLE.

THIS FIRST ONE, NIKKI?

[LAUGHTER]I FEEL LIKE THE AUDIENCE HAS

ALREADY WRITTEN THIS ONE INTHEIR OWN MINDS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> HOW MUCH TO WATCH YOU CRY ANDJERK OFF?

>> POINTS.

AND FOR YOU, FREE.

>> I'M INTO IT.

OH.

THANK YOU.

>> RON?

>> BUSINESS IDEA: WHITE POWERCAR WASH.

>> ALL RIGHT.

HEADS UP, THIS NEXT ONE HAS POOPIN IT I THINK.

YEP, THERE IT IS.

RON FUNCHES?

>> THIS IS A MARIJUANA TEXT. IGOT SOME REAL HEAVY [BLEEPED].

PRAISE THE LORD.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THE ONE WITH THERARELY USED SLOT MACHINE.

I HAVE NEVER USED THAT ONEBEFORE.

NOW THIS IS FOUR

SO IT'S ONE MORE THAN THE OTHERONES.

THIS IS SOME UPPER-LEVEL EMOJI.

DOUG?

>> IT'S THE NAME OF HARRY POTTERCHARACTER: SLOT ROW HORN BATH.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> I CAST THE POINTS AT THEE.

>> YEAH, I ONCE SLOTTED IT UP INA CANOE, BUT I WAS STILL HORNY

SO I TOOK A BATH.

>> OKAY POINTS.

SLOTTED IT UP.

>> SLOTTING IT UP. LOOSE SLOTS.

>> IS THAT WHAT YOU... OH, MAN.

IS THAT HOW YOU REFER IT TO,SLOTTING IT UP?

>> WASN'T UNTIL TODAY.

>> RON FUNCHES?

>> THIS IS THE OTHER SIDE TOTHAT SEXT.

I GOT LUCKY IN MY BOAT.

SHE GAVE ME THE OLD LOOPYTROMBONE.

I NEED A BATH.

HARDWICKIPEDIA.

HARDWICKIPEDIA.

IN HONOR OF OUR 100THEPISODE, OUR COMEDIANS TONIGHT

ARE THE THREE MOST DECORATEDWINNERS OF "@MIDNIGHT."

THERE ARE NO LOSERS HERE, EXCEPTFOR THE TWO PEOPLE WHO DON'T

WIN.

WE GOT OUR OFFICIAL STATISTICSFROM WIKIPEDIA.

SO YOU KNOW IT'S GOTTA BECORRECT.

THANKS TO WIKIPEDIA USER, JAYZUMMAK, HE'S THE GUY WHO EDITS

OUR WIKIPEDIA PAGE.

PEOPLE THINK WIKIPEDIA IS LIKEAN ENCYCLOPEDIA.

IT'S NOT.

IT'S CATALOG OF SOURCEDINFORMATION.

THINGS HAVE TO BE SOURCED TO BEWRITTEN ON WIKIPEDIA

WE WOULD LIKE TO USE THIS SPEEDGAME AS A SOURCE FOR REAL FACTS

ABOUT "@MIDNIGHT" THAT CAN NOWBE VERIFIED ON THE SHOW THAT

MUST NOW APPEAR ON THE WIKIPEDIAPAGE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]SO I'D LIKE YOU COMEDIANS TO

LIST SOME REAL FACTS ABOUT THESHOW.

60 SECONDS AND GO.

DOUG BENSON?

>> DOUG BENSON GETS HIGH BEFORETHE SHOW.

>> YES.

POINT.

RON FUNCHES?

>> CHRIS HARDWICK IS TWO YOUNGCHILDREN SITTING ON EACH OTHER'S

SHOULDERS.

>> I'M GLAD PEOPLE FINALLY KNOW.

POINT.

DOUG?

>> FACT, CHRIS HARDWICK WASRAISED BY BOWLING BALLS.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

POINT.

RON?

>> THIS IS SHOT ON THE ORIGINAL"I LOVE LUCY" STAGE.

THAT'S A REAL FACT WE SHOULD ALLKNOW AND LOVE AND RESPECT AND

REPRESENT OUR HISTORY.

>> THAT IS TRUE.

THIS STAGE WAS THE ORIGINAL "ILOVE LUCY" STAGE.

>> AFTER EVERY "@MIDNIGHT"APPEARANCE, THE SHEER NUMBER OF

DICK JOKES CAUSE ME TO CEASEMENSTRUATING FOR ABOUT A MONTH.

>> YES. THAT WAS SOURCED ONHERE

NOW WE KNOW IT'S TRUE.

POINT.

Loading...