Wednesday, April 8, 2015

  • 04/08/2015

Will Forte, Kristen Schaal and Horatio Sanz write pickup lines for an oversexed rodent, list #BirdBands and retitle bizarre performance-art pieces.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FUN NOTE-- IF YOU DROP YOURUNWANTED PET GOLD FISH INTO

TELLER LAKE A FEW YEARS AGO,CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU CAUSE A REVOLUTIONARY GOLDFISH ( BLEEP )-FEST.

>> COLORADO PARKS AND WILDLIFESAY GOLD FISH HAVE TAKEN OVER

THAT LAKE.

THEY'RE SQUEEZING OUT THE NATIVEFISH.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Chris: THESE GUYS ARE REALLYMAKING THE MOST OUT OF NOT DYING

IN A TOILET.

GOOD FOR THEM.

BY THE WAY, CHECK OUT THIS OTHERDEVELOPING STORY JUST WAY, WAY,

WAY DOWN HERE IN SMALL PRINT.

PRAIRIE DOG SEIZED?

FOR WHAT?

>> I'M FROM BOULDER AND THEYLOVE THEIR PRAIRIE DOGS SO MUCH,

THAT EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE RUININGTHE FARMLAND, THEY'LL COLLECT

THEM ALL AND JUST PROTECT THEM.

THEY LOVE THEIR PRAIRIE DOGS.

>> Chris: BACK TO THE EXCITEMENTOF FISHING, COMEDIANS WHAT IS

THE FITTINGLY AQUATIC NAME OFTHE LOCAL FISHERMAN THEY

INTERVIEWED ON THE NEWS.

IS IT A, ALBERT FISH.

B, JESSE LURE.

OR C, GILL HOOKS.

>> OH, YES!

>> CHRIS: KRISTEN SCHAAL.

>> THAT WAS VERY SATISFYING.

>> CHRIS: NO ONE HAS EVER BEENTHAT EXCITED.

>> IT JUST WAS SO COOL.>> CHRIS: THE SYSTEM WORKS!

>> I WOULD LIKE TO PUT MY GUESSIN AS, B., JESSE LURE.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> IT'S A GOLD FISH INVASIONTHAT HAS FISHERMAN JESSE LURE

WONDERING WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOTHE FISH YOU ACTUALLY WANT --

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> WHOOO!

THANK YOU, JESSE LURE!

THANK YOU!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: MY FAVORITE PART ISTHAT THEY ZOOMED IN ON THE LURE

WHEN THEY SAID HIS NAME.

( LAUGHTER )

LIKE SOME EDITOR IT LIKE, "I'MGONNA WIN A PEABODY!

BUT IF YOU'VE EVER SEEN ALOW-BUDGET DISASTER MOVIE, YOU

KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THIS MEANS:THIS GUY IS ACTUALLY MADE OF

GOLDFISH AND EVERYONE IS GOINGTO DIE.

SOON HUMANS WILL STOP FISHINGAND FISH WILL START HUMANING.

SO COEMDIANS, WHEN THE TABLESTURN HOW WILL YOU GREET OUR

GOLDFISH OVER-LORD.

WILL FORTE.

>> GOLDFISH LEADER: AS A TOKENOF MY UNDYING LOYALTY, I BROUGHT

YOU THIS BRONZE SCULPTURE OFLUCILLE BALL.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: POINTS. KRISTENSCHAAL.

(KRISTEN GARGLING)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )

YESTERDAY WE SHOWED YOU A PANDABEAR ORANGEY AND TODAY A

LEGENDARY WOMANIZING GUINEA PIGWAS MAKING THE ROUNDS AND

HOPEFULLY SOON ON THE MAURYPOVICH SHOW.

THIS GUINEA PIG BECAME FATHER TO400.

TAKE THAT, DUGGER FAMILY!

AFTER BREAKING INTO A FEMALEENCLOSURE, NOW THAT THIS

RODENTINE LOTHARIO JUST DREAMSOF HEARING THE WORDS, "ARE YOU

NOT THE FATHER."

MAYBE THOSE PRAIRIE-- THAT'SWHAT IT IS.

THE PRAIRIE DOGS FROM THEEARLIER STORY WERE SEIZED FOR

GUINEA PIG SEX TRAFFICKING.

COMEDIANS, AFTER YOU CHEER YOURWAY INTO THE FEMALE ENCLOSURE,

WHAT PICKUP LINE WOULD YOU USETO ENSURE YOU GET YOUR TINY,

FUZZY DICK WET?

WILL FORTE?

>> FACT: GUINEA PIGS HAVE 258BONES IN THEIR BODY.

WHAT SAY WE MAKE IT 259?

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS, POINTS.

I THINK THAT'S DEFINITELY HISVOICE.

( APPLAUSE )

HORATIO.

>> YO, YOU LIKE GUINEAS.

YOU LIKE PIGS?

HERE I AM!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

AS I'M SURE YOU ALREADY KNEW,TODAY IS DRAW PICTURE OF A BIRD

DAY.

( LAUGHTER )

I ACTUALLY DID THIS.

THIS IS SOMETHING I DREW WHAT IWAS BORED IN A HOTEL RECENT.

I DREW A PENGUIN, AND THEPENGUIN WAS SAYING, "DON'T YOU

( BLEEP ) TELL ME HOW I'MSUPPOSED TO BEHAVE, MORGAN

FREEMAN!"

I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS BORED.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#BIRDBANDS.

#BIRDBANDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE SPARROWSMITH,OR RED HOT CHILI PECKERS.

OR SWAN DIRECTION.

( LAUGHTER )

#ZAYNILOVEYOU.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

WILL.

>> SPARROWSMITH.

>> CHRIS: SURE, YOU KNOW WHAT,POINTS.

KRISTEN.

>> SNOOP BIRDD.

>> CHRIS: IT WORKED!

POINTS.

BIRD WITH TWO D'S. HORATIO.

>> PINK FLOYD-MINGO AND THE DARKMEAT OF THE MOON.

>> CHRIS: YES POINTS.

KRISTEN SCHAAL.

>> A-SEED/D-SEED.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

WILL.

>> CROSBY STILLS NASHVILLEWARBLER AND YOUNG.

>>CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

WILL.

>> NOTORIOUS B-I-R-D.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HORATIO.

>> THE CARDIG-NALS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

KRISTEN SCHAAL.

>> LIONEL OSTRICHY.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

WILL.

>> JUDAS GEEST.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KRISTEN.

>> LYNRYD SKYNBYRD.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS! PERFECT.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYPERFORMANCESHART.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THERE'S NOTHING BETTER ORUNINTETIONALL FUNNIER THAN

PERFORMANCE ART.

DID I SAY FUNNIER? I MEANTWORSE.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA CLIP WE FOUND ONLINE OF

PERFORMANCE ARTISTS DOING THEIRARTIST THING AND FOR 250 POINT I

WOULD LIKE YOU TO TITLE THEPIECE.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE: THIS GUYSCREAMING AT YELLOW PAINT.

>> AAAAHHH! AAAAHHH! AAAAHHH!

AAAAHHH! AAAAHHH!

>> CHRIS: KRISTEN.

>> DAD WOULDN'T LET ME BE ANARTIST!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

WILL.

>> MONDAYS, AM I RIGHT?

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THIS ONE: THIS ONE IS,UH, SPORKED UP.

AND SERVING SPOONS.

( LAUGHTER )

WILL.

>> THAT'S A COLD OPEN FORMcGRUBER 2.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: OH PLEASE, PLEASE LETTHAT BE TRUE.

NOW YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

NOW YOU GOTTA DO IT.

POINTS.

HORATIO.

>> CHECK IT OUT, MOBEY'S WORKINGAT THE SOUP PLANTATION.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

>> I'M GOOD.

>> OKAY.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE: THIS LOVEROF WALLS.

HORATIO.

>> ORANGE IS THE NEW BLECH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

WILL.

>> THIS SCHNOZBERRY TASTES LIKESCHNOZBERRY.

( LAUGHTER )

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXTGAME SUBREDDIT AND FORGEDDIT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

REDDIT IS A COLLECTION OF THEINTERNET'S DEEPEST DARKEST

SECRETS AND DESIRES, HILARIOUSPHOTOS OF OLD PEOPLE, AND

MINECRAFT TIPS AND TRICKS.

THERE'S A REDDIT FOR LITERALLYANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF AND A

SUBREDDIT FOR EVERY NIGHTMAREYOU COULD HAVE.

FOR 350 POINTS, I WANT YOU TOTELL ME WHICH OF THESE

SUBREDDITS IS REAL.

FIRST ONE: [BLEEP]ABLE MUSTARD,A SUBREDDIT THAT SHOWCASES

ONLY THE MOST [BLEEP]ABLEMUSTARDS, OR EROTIC MAYONNAISE,

A SUBREDDIT THAT ALLOWS MAYOTO LET LOOSE AND BE AS SEXY

AS IT WANTS TO BE.

WHICH ONE OF THOSE IS REAL,WILL?

>> ( BLEEP ) MUSTARD.

>> CHRIS: I HOPE SO.

LET'S SEE.

NOPE, EROTIC MAYONNAISE.

>> I KNEW THERE WAS A CHANCE ITCOULD HAVE GONE THE OTHER WAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE YOUR BESTGUESS.

>> CHRIS: NOW I JUST CAINT STOPTHINKING ABOUT SWEET ( BLEEP )

MUSTARD.

EXCUSE ME, WILL. DO YOU HAVE ANYGREP POUPON.

>> YES.

>> CHRIS: NEXT UP --(LAUGHTER)

LET'S PUSH DEEPER.

IS THIS REAL SUBREDDIT HITLER INSOCKS ALL THE TIMES THAT ASSHOLE

HITLER WAS IN SOCKS, OR KIMJONG-UN IN WOMEN'S SANDLES.

YES, KRISTEN.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO CHOOSE KIMJONG-UN IN WOMEN'S SANDLES.

>> CHRIS: THANK YOU FOR GIVINGYOUR ANSWER LIKE ENGLISH IS YOUR

SECOND LANGUAGE.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS HITLER INSOCKS.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES HE JUSTLIKES TO HAVE FUN.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: THERE IS--

>> I DON'T-- I'M NOT COMFORTABLEWITH HOW ADORABLE HE LOOKS.

( LAUGHTER )

PLEASE STOP.

( APPLAUSE )

>> I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THEFACT THAT IT WAS SUBMITTED BY

"HE DID NOTHING WRONG."

( APPLAUSE )

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, NOTTONIGHT, I HAVE AN EXCUSE.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO COME UPWITH AN EXCUSE TO NOT HAVE SEX?

NOPE, ME, EITHER.

BUT APPARENTLY, SOME PEOPLE DOIT ALL THE TIME.

THIS WEEK, HUFFINGTON POSTPUBLISHED THE 10 MOST COMMON

EXCUSES TO AVOID SEX.

I MEAN, SHE'S NOT HAVING SEXWITH HIM BECAUSE HE'S CLEARLY A

DOUCHEBAG.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TOCOME UP WITH AS MANY EXCUSES AS

YOU CAN TO AVOID SEX.

60 SECONDS AND BEGIN!

WILL.

>> I'M SORRY, BUT I'M SO FULL OFHOT HAM AND CHEESE.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HORATIO.

>> COMO SE CHURRO PENIS?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

WILL.

>> SORRY, HON, I JUST HAD A TONOF SEX ACROSS THE STREET.

>> CHRIS: KRISTEN.

>> SURE, WE CAN HAVE SEX: FISTOR KNEES?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KRISTEN.

>> MY DICK HURTS!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

A FAIR EXCUSE, MADAM.

KRISTEN.

>> OH, NO, I ONLY DO THAT FORMONEY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.