CC Presents: Eugene Mirman

  • 01/31/2008

Eugene Mirman specializes in assassinating horses and meeting ladies in special ed class.

HI.

THAT FELT NICE.WE SHOULD EACH TAKE TURNS.

[LAUGHTER]

UM, I--

I LIVE IN BROOKLYNAND, UM...YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS ON THE STREETAND I RAN INTO THE EX-BOYFRIEND

OF AN ACQUAINTANCE FROM COLLEGE.

AND I WISH THATIT WAS OKAY IN OUR CULTURETO LOOK AT PEOPLE

AND JUST BE LIKE,"I KNOW YOU! GOOD-BYE."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT YOU CAN'T.YOU HAVE TO TALK. BUT, UM...

SO I DECIDED THATI WOULD JUST MAKE STUFF UPABOUT HOW THINGS ARE GOING.

AND HE WAS LIKE, "SO WHEREARE YOU LIVING? I WAS LIKE,

"OH, I LIVE HERE IN BROOKLYNWITH HARRISON FORD."

"AND I'M-- I KILL HORSES.I'M A HORSE ASSASSIN.

YOU KNOW IT'S A GOOD JOB.GOOD UNION."

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS THINKINGABOUT TRUTH OR DARE ANDWHAT THE FIRST DARE WAS.

AND I BET THEFIRST DARE WAS PROBABLY ACAVEMAN DARING A CAVEWOMAN

TO THROW A BURNING STICKAT A MONSTER.

AND I BET SHE WAS LIKE,"OKAY, TRUTH."

AND I BET HE WAS LIKE,"WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST FANTASY?"

AND SHE WAS LIKE,"A-GRI-CUL-TURE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THATKIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS.

BUT SO WOULD YOUIF YOU HAD NO EDUCATION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'D JUST BE,"I AM BIKE CHEESE."

'CAUSE YOU WOULDN'TKNOW WHAT WORDS WERE.

I DON'T HAVE A KID. BUT I THINKTHAT I WOULD BE A GOOD FATHER,

YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY IF MY BABYLIKED TO GO OUT DRINKING.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHEN I WAS GROWING UPFROM 6th TO 12th GRADE

I WAS IN SPECIAL ED.AND, IT'S TRUE.

THEY PUT ME IN SPECIAL EDBECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS SLOW.

BUT I STAYED IN SPECIAL EDFOR THE LADIES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE STORY THOUGH OF HOW,WHICH IS SADLY TRUE,

OF HOW I WASPUT INTO SPECIAL ED,

WAS THAT IN 6th GRADEI HAD TO DO A BOOK REPORT.

AND I WAS LIKE,"BOOK REPORT, GOT IT."

AND THEN THREE WEEKS LATERI CAME IN DRESSED AS BILL COSBY.

AND-- BUT NOT FROMTHE COSBY SHOW,I SAW HIM FROM I SPY.

AND ALSO, I WASDRESSED AS A COWBOY,

'CAUSE I ONCE SAW HIMDRESSED AS A COWBOY.

BUT I WASN'T IN BLACK FACE.I WASN'T CRAZY. YOU KNOW.

SO I CAME INDRESSED AS A COWBOY.AND I WAS LIKE,

"I'M BILL COSBY."AND THEN I LIP-SYNCHED

HIS STAND-UP COMEDYFOR FIVE MINUTES.

AND THE TEACHER--AND THIS IS THE BEST PART--

THE TEACHER WAS LIKE,"YOU GET AN A-PLUS.

- BUT YOU HAVE TO SEE A DOCTOR.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AT FIDELITY WITH THE--THEY SELL THE MONEY.

AND I USED TOANSWER THEIR PHONES,BUT I'D ANSWER THEM

IN MY MOVIE PHONE VOICE.SO, I'D BE LIKE,

"WELCOME TO FIDELITY.THIS IS EUGENE MIRMAN.

- HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"- [LAUGHTER]

AND I HEARD THIS WOMAN GO,"OH, ANOTHER MACHINE."

[LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

AND I WENT,"I AM NOT A MACHINE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SHE WAS LIKE,"[BLEEP], ROBOTS ARE ALIVE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I FOUND AN iPOD IN A CABAND I CALLED APPLE

TO RETURN IT TO THE PERSON.AND APPLE WOULDN'T GIVE ME

HIS INFORMATION'CAUSE WHAT IF I RAPE 'EM?

[LAUGHTER]

- THAT WAS THEIR TONE.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I GAVE THEM MINE.AND A FEW DAYS LATER

THE GUY CALLED ME. ANDHE WAS LIKE, "THAT'S SO NICE."

AND I'M LIKE,"YOU KNOW, NO PROBLEM."

HE'S LIKE,"NO, IT'S REALLY NICE."AND THE TRUTH IS, IT IS.

IT WAS A PRETTY NICETHING I DID.

IT'S PROBABLY THENICEST THING ANYONE'S DONE

SINCE THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I WAS LIKE,"YOU KNOW NO PROBLEM.

JUST COME MEET ME IN THE CITYAND I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR iPOD."

AND THEN WHEN I--WHEN I GOT OFF THE PHONE

I JUST WANTED TO CALL 'EMRIGHT BACK AND BE LIKE,

"THE PLAN'S HAVE CHANGED."AND GIVE 'EM A RUNAROUND.

JUST BE LIKE, "I SAID NO COPS!"

[Chuckles] ONE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS IN VANCOUVER.AND I WAS IN WHAT I WAS TOLD

WAS THE POOREST NEIGHBORHOODIN NORTH AMERICA.

WHICH I FINDVERY HARD TO BELIEVE.

BECAUSE HAS ANYONE HEREEVER BEEN TO DETROIT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IT LOOKS LIKEIT'S BEEN ATTACKED.

- AND IT HAS, BY THE ECONOMY.- [LAUGHTER]

BUT ONE OF THE BEST THINGSI FOUND OUT ABOUT DETROIT

IS THAT BEARS HAVE STARTEDRETURNING TO THE CITY.

LIKE ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWNABANDONED HOUSES, BEARS--

WHEN BEARS AREGENTRIFYING YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD

AND OPENING THAI RESTAURANTS...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S A POOR NEIGHBORHOOD.

IS ANYBODY HERE KNOW WHAT TO DOIF A BEAR ATTACKS?

- Woman: FAKE DEATH.- FAKE DEATH?

I THINK YOU MEANPLAY DEAD, NOT FAKE DEATH.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU MEAN LIKE,"HOLD ON, BEAR.

"I'M GONNA PRETENDTO TAKE POISON

AND DO A LITTLE PLAY FOR YOU."THE BEAR IS LIKE,

- "THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE, A LOT OF PEOPLE DO THINKYOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PLAY DEAD.

WHICH IS NOT WHATYOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

AND THE BEST THINGABOUT PLAYING DEAD IS

THAT'S LIKE A RUMORTHAT BEAR'S SPREAD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW HOW BEAR'S DID IT.

BEAR'S HAVE NO PROPAGANDATHAT I KNOW OF.

THERE'S A LOT OF ADS ON TVFOR LIKE CATEGORIES OF THINGS

LIKE MILK AND CHEESE AND PORKAND THINGS IN GENERAL.

LIKE WE'RE EVER GONNAFORGET ABOUT CHEESE. WE'RE NOT.

BUT I LOVE THAT.SO WHAT I WANTED TO DO

WAS MAKE ADS FORSOMETHING THAT I LOVE

AND TRY TO SELL SHAPES.SO, I'M GOING TO GO OVER HERE.

- OH, YOU CAN STILL HEAR ME.- [LAUGHTER]

I GOT TO MAKE A MAKE WISH

AND A WIZARD GRANTED MEA VOICE LIKE GOD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SO THESE ARE SOME OF MY ADSFOR SHAPES THAT I'M GONNA SELL.

THIS IS AN AD FOR A CIRCLE.

- NOW THAT'S A SHAPE.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SQUARE, THE OTHER RECTANGLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TRIANGLE...HOT THREE-WAY ACTION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEART. I AM A TRIANGLEWITH AN ASS ON TOP.

- PLEASE HELP.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN, FINALLY,[BLEEP]-UP-A-GON.

LET'S PARTY.

[SCREAMING, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA SELL A LOT OF[BLEEP]-UP-A-GONS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SO I HAVE.AND I DON'T HAVE A NAME FOR IT,

BUT I DO HAVE ONE RULE,WHICH IS,

BEFORE I MAKE ANY PAINTINGIN THIS ART FORM,

I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDEAND I HAVE TO YELL,

"SOCIETY,READY YOUR BRAIN MOUTH

FOR MY MIND [BLEEP]."AND THEN I'M READY.

SO I WANTED TO TELL YOUTHE TITLES OF SOME OF THESE.

THE ONE IN THE CORNER IS--THAT'S THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT

- THROWING HEAVEN AT CHINA.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT ONE IS TELEVISION NEWSTHROWING UP ON MATH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS ONE, A PERSONAL FAVORITE,THAT'S KARL ROVE

THROWING HIS OWN BALLSAT THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF THIS ISAIRING IN THE FUTURE

AND NO ONE KNOWSWHO KARL ROVE IS,

HE'S THE REASONYOU ALL LIVE UNDERGROUND.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I WAS IN AN ELEVATOR.IT WAS ABOUT THIS BIG,

MAYBE A LITTLE BIGGER.AND IT WAS FULL OF PEOPLE.

AND THIS GUY-- SARCASTICALLY--'CAUSE IT DIDN'T REALLY

MAKE SENSE, GOES,"THERE ARE BIGGER ELEVATORSTHAN THIS IN RUSSIA."

PROBABLY. THAT'S NOT ONE OF

THE PRE-AGREED UPONSTEREOTYPES OF RUSSIA.

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE LONG LINESAND IT'S COLD THERE.

BUT YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE UPRANDOM INFORMATION AND SAY IT

SARCASTICALLY ANDHAVE IT MAKE SENSE.

YOU CAN'T JUST BE LIKE,I WENT OUT ON A DATEWITH THIS JEWISH GIRL,

SHE WAS MORE RUDETHAN A WOLF CAT.

AN ANIMAL I'VE MADE UPAND DECIDED IS RUDE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I CALLED AMTRAK TO GET A TICKETAND THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF

QUESTIONS THAT THEY ASK YOU.AND ONE OF THE QUESTIONS IS

"ARE YOU 65 OR BETTER?"

THAT'S THE WRONG WORDFOR THE THING YOU MEAN.

THAT'S CONDESCENDINGAND INSULTING TO OLD PEOPLE.

LIKE THEY'RE GONNA BE LIKE,"YEA! I'M BETTER.

I NEVER SAW IT THAT WAY."

I FLY A LOT.AND I WAS JUST IN CANADA.

AND WHENEVER I FLYI BRING THIS WITH ME.

WHICH, I GUESS, NOW IS ILLEGAL.BUT THE THING ABOUT IT IS THAT

IT'S NOT REALLY SHAVING CREAM.IT ACTUALLY HAS A FALSE BOTTOM.

AND IT'S JUST FULL OF GOODIES.IT ALSO HAS A LETTER

TO THE SECURITY PEOPLE,IF THEY FIND IT.

BUT HERE'S SOME OF WHAT IT HAS.

I HAVE A LITTLE THING OFMOUTHWASH FULL OF TEQUILA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SNUCK A CONDOM TO CANADA.AND I SNUCK IT BACK.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YEAH. AND THEN I ALSO HAVEA PICTURE OF THE OLD PREZ.

TEQUILA A CONDOM, AND THE PREZ.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN A LETTER IN CASE,OF COURSE, THIS IS ALL FOUND.

"DEAR TRANSPORTATIONSECURITY ADMINISTRATION AGENT.

"PLEASE FIND IN MYFAKE CAN OF SHAVING CREAM

"SEVERAL INCONGRUOUS ITEMS.

"THESE ITEMS ARE MEANT TO BEFUNNY AND NOT DANGEROUS.

"PLEASE LET ME PASS.I DON'T HAVE A BOMB.

"I KNOW I AM NOT ALLOWEDTO JOKE ABOUT HAVING A BOMB,

WHICH IS WHYI SPELLED IT, B-A-L-M.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AS FAR AS I KNOW,HOMONYMS ARE ALLOWED ON PLANES."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THANKS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

HMM, SOMEBODY SPILLEDTEQUILA ON THE STAGE.

NOW I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKETO BE "THE WHO."

SHE WAS LIKE, "OH,IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO SAY [BLEEP]

BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS GAY."THAT IS A TERRIBLE EXCUSE.

JUST 'CAUSE YOU KNOW SOMEBODY,YOU CAN'T USE A SLUR.

LIKE FOR MEIT'S OKAY TO SAY [BLEEP],

BUT THAT'S BECAUSEI'M FULL OF HATE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSIONOF THAT HATRED.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THERE'S THIS BILLBOARDIN MY NEIGHBORHOOD AND IT SAYS,

"DON'T LEAVE A BABY ANYWHERE."WHICH IS TRUE.

I IMAGINE THE FIRST RULE OF BABY

IS TO NOT LEAVE ITIN THE STREET. YOU KNOW?

DON'T EVEN LIKE LEAVE ITWITH A KNIFE OR A SWORD,

EVEN EXCALIBUR. YOU KNOW.

AND BE LIKE, "BABY,IF ANYBODY COMES, YOU GET 'EM!"

BUT IT MADE ME WANNA MAKEMY OWN OBVIOUS BILLBOARDS.

AND SO I HAVE.AND HERE THEY ARE.

[CHEERS, WHISTLE & APPLAUSE]

"DON'T THROW A BABY AT ANYTHING,EVEN A BURGLAR."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"DON'T CRAP IN AN ENVELOPEAND MAIL IT TO YOURSELF."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY WOULD YOU?

"TRY NOT TO WAKE UP ON FIRE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"DO NOT THREATENTO STEAL A COP'S PENIS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND FINALLY,"IF YOU START A BAND,

DON'T CALL ITHUEY LEWIS & THE NEWS.

THERE IS ALREADY A BANDWITH THAT NAME."

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