Tuesday, November 1, 2016

  • 11/01/2016

Dana Gould, Nate Mooney and Janet Varney of "Stan Against Evil" spread rumors about Donald Trump, list life-extending internet activities and make up #SexySuperheroes.

And the Internet has beenteeming with fresh allegations

of tiesbetween the Russian government

and Ziploc bag full of pee,Donald Trump.

Rumors are swirling abouteverything from Russian servers

communicating with the TrumpOrganization to allegations

that the Kremlinis blackmailing him with

a secretly-recorded sex tapeof him in a Russian orgy.

-(audience groaning)-Yuck! Well, to be fair...

To be fair, he didn't knowit would be an orgy.

He was just having sexwith one Russian woman,

and then, there ended up beingfour other women inside of her,

-so it's not really...-(laughter)

-(cheers and applause)-Easy mistake.

Totally easy mistake.

But... butas deliciously scandalous

as these rumors sound,as of right now,

the FBI has foundno clear connection

between Trump and Russia.

The rumors have no hard proof,and it kind of feels like

a last-ditch effortto throw anything imaginable

at him to see what sticks.

Now, don't get me wrong.

He's stilla glowering hemorrhoid.

But all of this is distracting

from the stuff he actually doesand also the upcoming election.

So, comedians,since we're not verifying

our sources hereand throwing out wild things

that have no basis in anything,

what have you heard about DonaldTrump's connections to Russia?

-Janet. -Um, I heardthey have these totally crazy

slumber parties where Putin,like, braids his comb-over,

and then they, like, eat icecream right out of the carton!

-(screaming)-HARDWICK: Oh, my God,

they're the best of friends.Points. Points.

Dana Gould.

He loves Russia so muchthat once at The Comedy Store,

he offeredto Yack-off Smirnoff.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)

Very well played.

-VARNEY: Poor man.-Nate.

Putin gave him a tourof his submarine,

-and Trump said it's "huge."-HARDWICK: Yeah. Points.

Scientists who studiedthe Facebook activity

and mortality ratesof 12 million Californians found

that other scientistshave no respect for them.

-(laughter)-Also...

Also, they foundthat people who received

and accepted morefriend requests live longer.

Seriously, (bleep) our society.

Whatever... whatever happensto us, we deserve.

-Uh...-(laughter)

-Yeah. -I mean...-(applause)

We all do. We all do.

For years, doctors have beensaying, to prolong your life,

make sure you stay inside,

make as many fake friends,not in real world as possible,

never interact with anotherhuman being in person,

-I think is what...-Yeah.

I think that's whatthey've been saying. Comedians,

what's another online activitythat will help you live longer?

Dana Gould.

It's important to avoid conflictand spark outrage.

That's whyI only post stuff like,

"I think we can all agree

it's still okayto make fun of the handicapped."

-(laughter and groaning)-HARDWICK: All right. All right.

Okay. I'll give you points.

Uh, Janet.

Well, it turns outit's actually okay

to continue smoking cigarettes,as long as you offset it

by watching lotsof cute cat videos.

-(laughter and groaning)-That's true. Yeah, points.

-Of course it is. -Yeah.-That makes everything okay.

Uh, Nate.

When using craigslist, alwaysmurder the other person first.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Yeah. Points.

it's time to play tonight's#HashtagWars.

(cheers and applause)

Benedict Cumberbatch playsDoctor Strange

in the movie strangely titled, Doctor Strange.

But, frankly,I stopped listening

when I saidBenedict Cumberbatch.

(growls) Ladies, am I right?And some guys.

Oh, yeah.That guy is (bleep)-able!

(audience exclaiming)

Casting Mr. Cumberbatchreminds us that superheroes

have all sorts of amazingpowers, in the sack.

That is why tonight's hashtagis #SexySuperheroes.

Examples might be: The Flasherand Sex Luthor.

-I'm gonna put...-VARNEY: Okay.

(laughter)

I-I thought there wasa different way to go

with Sexy Flash, which was,"Oh, I'm sorry.

"Oh, just give me a second.Oh, one more time.

"Oh, I'm sorry.Oh, this never happened to me.

Oh, one more time."

Let's put 60 seconds on theclock and begin.

Dana.

Mr. Missile Pick Dick,only Mike Lawrence is laughing.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Very good. Mike Lawrencewill appreciate that.

Janet Varney.

-Wolverine.-(laughter)

-Sorry.-(laughter and applause)

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Points to Janet..

Janet again.

I'm going back to backwith Two Face, One Cup.

HARDWICK:All right, points, very good.

Janet.

Magneto...(moaning): Oh, oh!

HARDWICK:Points.

Nate.

Sore, from too much sucking.

HARDWICK:Yeah, points, amazing.

Amazing, well played.

Dana Gould.

LGB Teen Titans.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Dana.

Packin' America.

HARDWICK (laughing):Yeah, points.

(laughter)

- Right there. -HARDWICK:Yeah, it's right there.

It's right there-- Nate.

Queef Lantern.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-VARNEY: Oh.