CC Presents: Ian Bagg

  • Season 11, Ep 17
  • 03/29/2007

NOBODY I KNOW THAT KNOWS ME WOULD CLAP THAT LONG.

THEY'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT. START HER UP, IDIOT."

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS. IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

ALL RIGHT. WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT OF FUN TONIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA RAISE A LOTTA MONEY. WE'RE GONNA FIX IT.

IT'S GONNA BE BETTER THAN EVER.

OH, CAN WE RAISE ANY MONEY FOR NEW ORLEANS?

HELLO, I LOVED THAT HURRICANE.OH, MY GOODNESS, IT WAS AWESOME.

NOT ONE PERSON STOLE A BOAT.

I LOVED THE TORNADO. OH, MY GOODNESS.

YOU GUYS EVEN KNOWTHE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TORNADO AND A HURRICANE?

- YEAH.- NO, YOU DON'T.

LISTEN UP. HERE'S THE DEAL, SIR.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

COME ON THERE, BIG FELLOW.WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- [INAUDIBLE] - WRONG. HERE'S THE DEAL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A HURRICANE, YOU CAN WATCH COME AT YOU FOR A WEEK ON THE TV

AND YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THE WAY.

A TORNADO,YOU'RE JUST IN A TRAILER MAKING METH,

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, IT'S TIPPED OVER, VERY DIFFERENT.

YOU CAN LAUGH AT THESE JOKES. IT'S OKAY IN NEW ORLEANS,

THEY HAD A PARADE A COUPLE MONTHS AGO.

HOW IRONIC, EIGHT MONTHS LATER,

- FINALLY FLOATS SHOWED UP. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FEMA MAY BE LATE BUT THEY SEND MIDGETS AND CANDY.

- IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. - [LAUGHTER]

Ian: ONE PERSON. ALL RIGHT. THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG SHOW.

- I CAN FEEL IT.- [LAUGHTER]

I WAS IN A TORNADO IN KENTUCKY.

I WAS THEREFOR THE KENTUCKY DERBY.

IT SOUNDS FANTASTIC BUT IT ISN'T.

IT'S TWO MINUTES AND THEN YOU'RE DRUNK

WITH A BUNCH OF HILLBILLY'S. BEST PART OF THE WHOLE RACE

WAS AFTERWARDS THESE TWO DRUNK GUYS

JUMPED ON THE TRACK, STARTED RACING EACH OTHER

WITHOUT HORSES. OH, SO FUNNY, YET SO SLOW.

THE COPS DID NOT FIND IT FUNNY AT ALL.

THEY JUMPED ON THE TRACKS, STARTED RUNNING AFTER THEM.

I'M WATCHING IT, THINKING, UM, IT'S A CIRCLE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN WAIT FOR 'EM RIGHT THERE AT THE BEGINNING THERE.

NO NEED TO TURN ITINTO A BENNY HILL SKETCHFOR CRAP'S SAKES.

LATER ON THAT NIGHT I WAS IN A TORNADO.

LISTEN. EVERYBODY LISTEN.

- OKAY. - [LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST LYING IN BED WATCHING THE TV.

ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE'S A BIG TORNADO WARNING ON THE TV.

I'M LIKE; HOLY CRAP, I'M GONNA BE IN A TORNADO.

NEVER BEEN IN A TORNADO BEFORE, WHAT DO I DO?!

SO I PHONE MY MOM. I WAS LIKE,"MOM, I'M GONNA BE IN A TORNADO.

WHAT DO I DO?" SHE'S LIKE,"HOLY [BLEEP], GET IN THE TUB."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "SEEMS LIKE AN ODD TIME TO BATHE, BUT WHAT THE HELL.

"AT LEAST I'LL BE CLEANWHEN THEY FIND THE BODY.

"GOOD THINKIN'. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE MOM,

SO MUCH KNOWLEDGE, SO MUCH." TORNADO JUST DOESN'T SHOW UP,

DOESN'T KNOW YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR HANDS.

YOU'RE SITTING IN THE TUB. SO I NEEDED SOMETHING TO DO.

- SO I ENDED UP [BLEEP] OFF. - [LAUGHTER]

WHAT A BAD TIMEFOR THE TORNADO TO HIT.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW I'M FLYING THROUGH THE AIR, SPANKING IT.

PEOPLE ARE POINTING; HE'S TRYING TO STEER.

YEAH. YEAH.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THE OTHER DAY IN CHINA, A LADY HAD A BABY WITH THREE ARMS.

OH MY GOD, THEY'RE ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD OF US.

HE'S PROBABLY MAKING SHOES AND TOYS RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MEANWHILE, AMERICAN BABIESAT HOME SLEEPIN' AND SUCKIN' ON A TIT.

- THAT'S WHY WE'RE LOSING. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT. WHO'S BEEN MARRIED THE LONGEST?

[SILENCE]

IN THIS ROOM. DOES THAT HELP OUT?

WHAT, DO YOU THINK I'M TALKING TO THE PEOPLE ON TV RIGHT NOW?

OH, MAYBE THEY'RE INTERNETTING IT.

OH, IT'S GONNA BE FANTASTIC. NOBODY'S GONNA TEXT MESSAGE ME

THAT ANSWER RIGHT NOW.I LOVE TO TEXT MESSAGE.

OH, MY GOODNESS, I'M FANTASTIC AT IT.

OTHER THAN,I'M A HORRIBLE SPELLER.

HUH-HUH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I'M A HORRIBLE SPELLER.

I WANTED TO SAY TO THIS ONE GIRL;

SEE YOU LATER, SWEETIE. NOT ME. SEE YOU LATER SWEATY.

NEVER HEARD FROM THATPERSPIRING BITCH AGAIN.

ANYWAYS, LET'S MOVE ON. WHO'S BEEN MARRIED THE LONGEST?

THAT WAS THE QUESTION. I WOULD LIKE IT ANSWERED--

- TWENTY-SEVEN.- CAN ANYBODY BEAT TWENTY-SEVEN?

THIRTY-FOUR.

THIRTY-FOUR. NOT YOU, SIR. YOU'RE YOUNG.

YOU'RE FIVE. DON'T GET INVOLVED.

THIRTY-FOUR? CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE THE WINNERS.

GO TO THE PARKING LOT. PICK WHATEVER CAR YOU WANT.

- TAKE IT HOME. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW DO YOU GUYS KEEP IT FRESH?

DO YOU EVER JUST SWITCH TEETHAND LOOK AT EACH OTHER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOMEBODY BOO'D THAT JOKE LIKE THAT'S THE WORST THING

I'VE DONE TONIGHT. I'VE MADE FUN OF NEW ORLEANS.

OH, BUT YOU DON'T DO ANY TOOTH JOKES.

NO, YOU DON'T MAKE FUNOF THE TEETH HERE, SIR.

YOU DON'T COME AND SAY THAT. HOW DO YOU KEEP IT FRESH?

LET THE KIDS KNOW. LET THE KIDS KNOW.

DO YOU BUY HER FLOWERS? NAH, SCREW THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU TELL HER YOU LOVE HER?

- YES. - AT TIMES?

- DO YOU OPEN DOORS FOR HER? - YES.

SOME TIMES? ALL THE TIME?

NO WAY. SOMETIMES. KEEP HER ON HER TOES.

OPEN THREE AND THEN THE NEXT ONE, BAM, RIGHT INTO IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOT A JUDGE IN THE WORLD IS GONNA CONVICT YOU OF THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT DUMPED BY A CHICKWITH FOUR KIDS.

HOW [BLEEP] OF A BOYFRIENDDO YOU HAVE TO BE

TO GET DUMPED BY A CHICKWITH FOUR KIDS? HELLO, SHE'S NOT A CATCH.

AL RIGHT, THAT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL, I KNOW.

HER EX-HUSBAND HATED ME, ALWAYSSENT MESSAGES THROUGH THE KIDS;

"MY DAD SAYS HE'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS."

YEAH, WELL YOU CAN TELL YOUR DADI'M SLEEPING WITH YOUR MOM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE SAYS HE CAN'TCOME TO THE PHONE,HE'S SLEEPING WITH MOM.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. OH MY GOD. I DATED ONE GIRL,

SHE WAS FOUR FOOT ELEVEN. I'M SIX FOOT FOUR.

I'VE SEEN HER ONCEWHILE WE'RE HAVING SEX.

ENDED UP HAVING TO DRAW A FACE ON MY TUMMY

SO SHE'D HAVE SOMEBODY TO TALK TO WHILE WE'RE HUMPING.

SHE'D ALWAYS COMPLAIN: I HATE KISSING THE MAN WITH NO TEETH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE WE GO. OH, MY GOODNESS.RIGHT NOW I'M 35

AND I'M DATING AN 18-YEAR OLD. THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL SIGN AUTOGRAPHS AFTERWARDS.

YOU GET TO DO A LOT OF FUN THINGS

YOU HAVEN'T DONE IN A LONG TIMEWHEN YOU DO DATE AN 18-YEAR OLD.

LIKE ONE DAY I GOT TO GOTO A HIGH SCHOOL DANCE.

IT WAS FUN, BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT WAS NERVE-WRACKING.

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO SEE ALL THE KIDS FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND THEY'RE ALL NOSEY.

HEY, MR. BAGG,WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M DANCING WITH YOUR FRIEND AND THEN I'M GONNA PUT [BLEEP] IN HER.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE, I'M A [BLEEP] BANGER.

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS. PICK YOUR MEDICINE, SISTER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY SHOW I DO AT LEAST ONE PERSON HATES ME.

ONCE THERE WAS A GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR, HE HATED ME SO MUCH

HE STOOD UP ANDWALKED OUT OF THE ROOM.

I WAS LIKE "HELLO, I HEALED YOU."

HE DIDN'T CARE. HE STARTED RUNNING, SKIPPING,

THEN HE TRIPPED AND BROKE HIS NECK. AND I LAUGHED AT 'EM.

I SAID; THAT IS KARMA, AND I KICKED 'EM IN THE RIBS.

- AH, HA-HA. - AH-HA.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS THERE,A BAKE SALE AFTERWARDS?

THERE'S A LOT OF US IN HERE. IT'S AWESOME BEING CATHOLIC

BECAUSE WE GET A NEW LEADEREVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

THE NEW ONE'S OKAY. THE LAST ONE WAS AWESOME.

WOULDN'T DIE THOUGH. HE WAS WHAT, 1200 BEFORE HE LEFT?

BY THE END, HIS HEAD WASSTUCK TO HIS SHOULDER LIKE THAT.

COULDN'T EVEN DO THE CROSS ANYMORE.

- JUST DO A CHECKMARK. - [LAUGHTER]

ARE YOU CATHOLIC? YES, I AM.CORRECT-A-MONDO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY TRY TO TRICK US, PUT 'EM IN THAT BINGO BALL MACHINE.

DRIVE 'EM AROUND.HE'S OKAY. LOOK AT 'EM.HE'S THE POPE.

YOU CAN LAUGH THAT PEOPLE, I'M CATHOLIC. I KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

YOU LAUGH, YOU SAY YOU'RE SORRY, EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - OH, THE CATHOLIC JOKE.

YOU GUYS FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ON MySpace OR SOMETHING?

IS THAT'S WHAT'SGOING ON HERE?

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GONNA GET MOLESTED OR SOMETHING AND YOU'RE FEELING BAD.

EVERYBODY GETS MOLESTED ON MySpace NOWADAYS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS

WHEN, TO BE A MOLESTER,YOU HAD TO HAVE A VAN?

MAYBE SOME CANDY OR A PUPPY, NOT ANYMORE.

- "LOL" TOUCH MY [BLEEP]. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.YOU DO NOT WANNA SEE THE"LOLTMB" ON YOUR SCREEN.

- IT IS NOT GOOD. - [LAUGHTER]

I'M KIND OF AN IDIOT. I FEEL IT. I KNOW YOU GUYS CAN TELL.

I WANT-- [LAUGHS]--I WANTED TO JOIN KABALA.ENDED UP IN HEZBOLLAH.

THEY WERE NOT HAPPY. WHEN DO I GET TO MEET MADONNA?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? - [PAUSE, LOUD CHEERS]

YOU HAD TO SAY IT RIGHT AWAY.

YOU CAN'T HAVE MINUTES TO THINK ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T JUST SUDDENLY LIE; IT'S FANTASTIC.

IT'S NOT EVEN COOL. IT'S NOT THE GUY IN THE MOVIE.

IT'S A GUY WHO HANGS OUT ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD AND HAS

HIS PICTURE TAKEN WITH TOURISTS. YEAH. I HAD NO IDEA.

I JUST GET IN MY ELEVATOR ONE DAY, THERE'S SPIDER MAN.

I'M LIKE, "WELL, YOU'VE GOTTEN A LITTLE LAZY, HAVEN'T YA?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

REMEMBER THE OLD DAYS WHEN YOU'DTAKE THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING?

GET OUT THERE, YA METH-HEAD. HE'S ON METH.

IT'S PRETTY FUNNY ACTUALLY. ONE DAY I CAME HOME,

HE WAS PASSED OUT IN HISSPIDER MAN OUTFITIN FRONT OF THE BUILDING

AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT HAD TO SHOW UP WITH THE CLEAR PADDLES

AND BRING 'EM BACK TO LIFE.

WHAT A BAD DAY TO BE A KIDDRIVING BY AND SEEING SPIDER MAN

OH, OH, OH, WHAT DID THEY DO? GREEN GOBLIN, GREEN GOBLIN.

- [LAUGHTER]- OH MY GOD. [CHUCKLES]

WHAT YOU GOT, YOUNG LADY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR A TATTOO?

YOUR FOOT IS A TATTOO. AWESOME.WHAT DOES THAT SYMBOLIZE?

- IT'S MUSIC. - IT'S MUSIC.

SO YOU GOT IT ON YOUR FEET?YOU LIKE STINKY MUSIC.

- YES.- NICE.

SO WHAT DOES IT SYMBOLIZE? ARE YOU A LOVER OF MUSIC?

- I PLAY THE VIOLIN. - YOU PLAY THE VIOLIN.

RIGHT, RIGHT. ONCE AGAIN, WHAT DOES IT SYMBOLIZE?

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE ACTUALLY HEARD THE VIOLIN.

- DON'T CALL IT MUSIC. - [LAUGHTER]

THESE ARE JOKES PEOPLE. I DON'T KNOW IF THEY TOLD YOU.

NO, NO, NO, NO. WHAT IS THAT,

A WHOLE SECTION OF VIOLIN PLAYERS OVER THERE?GIVE ME A BREAK.

OH, OH! OH, OH!

LIKE I'M TERRIFIED OF A BUNCH OF VIOLIN PLAYERS. BRING IT ON. I'LL FIGHT YA.

I DON'T CARE.I'LL SMACK YOU ALL ON THE HANDS.

YOU'LL RUN INTO THE CLOSET. NO, NOT THE LEFT ONE,

- THAT'S THE ONE I PLAY WITH! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT A VERY GOOD FIGHTER AT ALL.

I'VE GOT THE ONE GOOD MOVE AND THE ONE GOOD MOVE ONLY.

THAT'S WHEN I'M GETTING MY ASS KICKED

TO LIFT UP THE GUY'S SHIRT AND START BLOWING ON HIS BELLY.

GUYS DO NOT KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THAT AT ALL.

'CAUSE THEY'RE ALL ANGRY INSIDE, RIGHT,

THEN YOU GIVE 'EM A RASPBERRY ON THEIR TUMMY.

- OH, THEY WANNA GIGGLE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST DON'T EVER DO THAT IN A SAUNA OR STREAM ROOM.

- YOU CAN SLIP. - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IF YOU MADE ANY SORT OF NOISE DURING THAT JOKE I LOVE YOU.

WHY? 'CAUSE YOU HAVE AN IMAGINATION,

YOU'VE SEEN THAT JOKE HAPPEN.

YOU'RE LIKE; AH HA, AH HA-- OHHH.

IF YOU DID NOTHING, PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN,

DEATH WILL COME SOON. OH, HE SAID DEATH.

I HAVE ONE TATTOO. IT IS A RED STAR.

IT SYMBOLIZES THATI'M ALLERGIC TO THE INK.

THAT WAS NICE TO FIND OUT AFTER I GOT THE TATTOO.

I BROKE OUT IN A FEVER OF 105, GOT A RASH ALL OVER MY BODY.

I ALMOST DIED. ISN'T THAT SUPER?

- [CHEERING] - OH, YEAH. ISN'T THAT SUP--

YEAH, OH YEAH. COME BACK AND GET ME NOW VIOLIN PLAYERS.

ISN'T THAT SUPER?YEAH, IT'S ALMOST SUPER. HE ALMOST DIED.

YOU GUYS ARE DICKS.THEY THOUGHT I HAD AIDS.ISN'T THAT SWEET?

FROM A TATTOO. NOT THE FUN WAY, GETTING SCREWED IN AN ALLEY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HAD TO GET AN AIDS TEST. ANYBODY ELSE EVER HAVE ONE?

- NO. - OH, NOBODY. ISN'T THAT SWEET?

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT AN AIDS TEST, TOOK TWO WEEKS FOR THE RESULTS TO COME BACK.

I'M FINE. TWO WEEKS. YOU MIGHT WANT TO PICK UP

THE PACE ON THAT TEST, MOTHER-[BLEEP].

TWO WEEKS IS A LONG TIME TO SIT AROUND AND THINK YOU'VE GOT AIDS.

DAY ONE YOU DON'T CARE.TAKE MY BLOOD.

I'M A SUPER HERO. I CAN'T DIE. DAY FOUR YOU'RE BLAMING PEOPLE

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SLEPT WITH FOR GIVING YOU AIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

DAY EIGHT, YOU'RE MAKING A QUILT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DAY TEN YOU'RE FINE. DAY TWELVE YOU'RE GETTING

ANOTHER TEST, 'CAUSE DAY ELEVEN YOU CELEBRATE BY [BLEEP] A GIRL

YOU DIDN'T KNOW WITHOUT A CONDOM.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT'S HOW I GOT GONORRHEA.

THOSE PEOPLE THAT OH'D THEY'VE HAD GONORRHEA BEFORE.

'CAUSE THEY REMEMBER THOSE DAYS,THAT ISN'T FUN TIMES AT ALL.

YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR.HE COMES INTO THE ROOM

WITH A POLE VAULTTHAT HE WANTS TO PUT INTHE END OF YOUR PENIS.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "THERE'S NO WAY THAT'S GONNA FIT.

- OH MY GOD, IT'S IN." - [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART.

YOU HAVE TO CALL A BUNCH OF PEOPLE YOU NEVER, EVER THOUGHT

YOU'D HAVE TO TALK TO AGAIN.

HI, HOW YOU DOING. LOOK, HERE'S THE DEAL.

YOU MIGHT WANNA GO TO THE DOCTOR.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE, BUT IT IS GONNA BURN.

AND CAN I GET YOUR FRIEND'S PHONE NUMBER,

'CAUSE I SLEPT WITH HER, TOO.

BY ANY CHANCE YOUR ROOMMATE HOME? HOW'S YOUR MOM?

- I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. - [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IT WAS CHRISTMAS. I WAS GIVING.

I ONLY HAD A ROLL OF NICKELS. ANYWAYS.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT I CALL MY [BLEEP], THE ROLE OF NICKELS.

'CAUSE IF YOU PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH IT TASTES FUNNY.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S END THAT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COUPLE OF WEEKS AGOI SEEN SIEGFRIED & ROY.

- IT'S MUCH CHEAPER NOW. - [LAUGHTER]

I'M SERIOUS. NO, NO, NO, DON'T CLAP NOW.

HOW WAS THAT NOT FUNNY TO YA? HOW MANY GERMAN LION TAMER FANS

COULD BE IN THIS ROOM AT ONE TIME TONIGHT?

OH, NO, AUCHT DU GLEVEN, AUCHT DU GLEVEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[GERMAN ACCENT] "DOES HE EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE GERMAN PEOPLE?

DOES HE KNOW ABOUT OUR CHOCOLATE?"

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOOK THE TIGERS THAT LONG

TO FIGURE OUT THEY COULD TAKE 'EM.

WHAT, THEY JUST HAD A BIG TIGER MEETING ONE AFTERNOON.

"I'M PRETTY SURE WE CAN TAKE THESE PANSIES BOYS. WHO'S WITH ME?"

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN THERE, MEDACORE.

WHATEVER THE HELL THEY CALL YA.

THAT'S PROBABLY WHY THEY ATTACKED 'EM RIGHT THERE,

'CAUSE OF THOSE STUPID, BLOODY NAMES.

[GERMAN ACCENT] "MEDACORE, JUMP THROUGH THE HOOP NOW."

DON'T CALL ME THAT, GERMAN. MEDACORE, THAT HOOP IS FOR YOU.

YOU'RE DEAD. MY NAME'S LARRY. SEE YA AT THE BIG SHOW TONIGHT.

OH, MY GOD. I LOVE SOCCER. ANYBODY WATCH THE WORLD CUP?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MY FAVORITE TEAM GOT KNOCKED OUT FAIRLY EARLY.

MY FAVORITE TEAM IS MEXICO! YEAH. YEAH.

THOSE GUYS SHOULD BE GETTING BACK TO AMERICA ANY DAY NOW.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I JUST WANNA KNOW HOW THE MEXICAN TEAM GOT TO GERMANY.

THAT'S ALL I WANT TO KNOW. DID THEY SNEAK ON A BOAT

AND THEN WHEN IT LANDED THEY RAN ON THE FIELD MOWED IT

AND THEN PLAYED THE GAME. WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE LANCE BASS IS GAY.

I NEVER SEEN IT COMING. NOT THE ASTRONAUT.

YOU KNOW I'M TALKING ABOUT THE GUY FROM IN-SYNC IS GAY.

OH, REALLY, A GUY WHO DANCES WITH OTHER MEN TO POP MUSIC IS GAY.

I'M SURPRISED.I FELT VINDICATED. WHY?

'CAUSE MY SISTER USED TO LISTEN TO THEM ALL THE TIME.

AND I'D SAY,"TURN THOSE QUEERS OFF." AND SHE'S LIKE,

"THEY'RE NOT GAY."

- HA, HA, HA. WINNER. WINNER. - [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

ANYBODY WEARING THE YELLOW WRISTBAND TO SAVE THE BALLS?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.YOU GUYS FROM AMERICA?

SEE WHAT HAPPENED, IN 1969, A MAN LANDED ON THE MOON

AND HE ONLY HAD ONE BALL

AND THAT'S WHY HE COULD JUMP SO HIGH.

SO TODAY WE WEAR A YELLOW WRISTBAND

TO HONOR THAT AFTERNOON. TO THE MOON.

SOME PEOPLE GOT THAT. OTHER PEOPLE ARE JUST CONFUSED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S PICKING ON AN AMERICAN HERO.

YOU'RE PROBABLY THE SAME PEOPLE THAT THINK LANCE ARMSTRONG

WAS ON STEROIDS. THAT'S WHY HE WON SO MANY TOUR D'FRANCE'S.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY HE WON SO MANY TOUR D'FRANCE'S.

HE'S GOT ONE BALL. HE'S MORE AERODYNAMIC.

HE JUST PUTS IT ON THE BAR AND GOES FOR IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY ELSE HAS GOT MUD FLAPS.

SURE DOES SOUND COOL.

FLIPA, FLOPPA, FLIPA, FLOPPA, FLIP.

BUT IT'S GONNA SLOW YOU DOWN THE MOUNTAINS. FLIP, FLOP, FLIP, FLOP.

MEANWHILE, HERE COMES FANCY PANTS ONE BALLS SNEAKING UP BEHIND YA.

ZET, ZET, ZET, ZET ZET, ZET, ZET, ZET.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT IS NOT A NOISE YOU WANNA HEAR

SNEAKING UP BEHIND YOUIN A DARK ALLEY.

I LIKE YOU PEOPLE.YOU'RE VERY INTERESTING.

- YES IT IS.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL TELL YA HOW SEXY IT IS.LISTEN. LISTEN.

THE OTHER DAY I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

PURPLE VIBRATORLYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

SO MANY QUESTIONS WENT THROUGH MY HEAD. HOW DID IT GET THERE?

WAS SOMEBODY JUST DRIVING AND THEY THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW?

"I'VE MISSED MY TURN FOR THE LAST TIME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WAS THERE A CAR ACCIDENT AND SOMEBODY THOUGHT THEY HAD

ONE OF THOSE BIG PENSWITH ALL THE INKS IN IT.

"SURE, LET ME GET YOUR INFORMATION-- AH, AH, AH!

IT'S A VIBRATOR. IT'S A VIBRATOR."

[LAUGHTER]

A LOT OF COMEDIANS AT THE END OF THEIR SHOWS

WILL SELL CDs AND T-SHIRTS. I'M SELLING A JEEP.

I LEARNED A VERY VALUABLE LESSONTHE OTHER DAY.

DON'T EVER PUT A FOR SALE SIGNWITH YOUR PHONE NUMBER

ON A JEEP AND DRIVE AROUND. BECAUSE I GET A PHONE CALL,

"ARE YOU SELLING A WHITE JEEP?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH.""YOU DRIVE LIKE AN ASS-[BLEEP].

- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE] - YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.

WE'VE LEARNED A LOT TONIGHT. MOSTLY THAT YOU'RE NOT MY FANS.

OH, LIKE TWO PEOPLE. AH, WE ARE.

NO, YOU GUYSHAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN.

WE LEARNED A LOT, DIDN'T WE? WHAT DID WE LEARN?

[APPLAUSE]

WHAT DID WE LEARN?SOME GUY CLAPS.

WE LEARNED THAT VIOLIN PLAYERS WILL STAND UP FOR OTHERS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TELL YOU WHAT I LEARNED. I WAS IN TEXAS LAST WEEK.

OH MY GOD. THEY WEAR THE TIGHTEST PANTS

IN THE WORLD IN TEXAS.EVEN THE MEN HAVE

THE CAMEL TOE, MOOSE KNUCKLE, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT.

[OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

EXACTLY. THAT IS THE WAY YOU SHOULD RESPOND TO THAT.

THEY STILL WEAR BELTS WITH THE TIGHTEST PANTS IN THE WORLD.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HELLO, YOU DON'T NEED A BELT WITH THOSE PANTS THERE, FELLA."

WHAT YOU PROBABLY NEED IS SOME ICE.

'CAUSE YOUR LEFT TESTICLE SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN.

Loading...