Barnes, Gossling, Costello, Kola

  • Season 5, Ep 509
  • 10/05/2001

David Alan Grier hosts Comedy Central's original stand-up series featuring Greer Barnes, Eddie Gossling, Sue Costello and Joey Kola.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.

LOVE YOU, TOO.

A LOT OF LOVE UP IN HERE.

LOT OF LOVE.

LOOKING AT ALL THESE WOMEN.

WE'VE GOT SOME RUMP SHAKERS,

AND WE'VE GOT SOME BABY MAKERS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

NICE.

I'M LOOKING FOR A RUMP SHAKER

MYSELF.

HA-HA-HA!

NAH, IT'S WEIRD.

A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE HAVING

BABIES, NOW.

YOU KNOW?

EVERYBODY'S HAVING BABIES.

I'M KINDA SCARED TO HAVE BABIES,

'CAUSE--

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE>> I'LL HAVE

YOUR BABY!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

DAVID>> RIGHT NOW?

THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

AS I WAS SAYING...

NAH, IT'S WEIRD, MAN.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE

FRIENDS WHO HAVE BABIES, RIGHT?

SOON AS THE BABY'S BORN,

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BABY.

AND IT'S SCARY.

'CAUSE A LOT OF THESE PARENTS--

IT'S LIKE, THEY CAN'T SEE THEIR

OWN CHILDREN'S FAULT.

THEY'RE PERFECT, YOU KNOW.

OOHH, LOOK AT THE BABY.

LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S SO CUTE.

LOOK AT HIM.

OH, AND HE'S SMART.

HE'S SMART.

THIS BABY'S A GENIUS.

HE KNOWS HIS TIMES TABLES.

THAT BABY IS FOURTEEN YEARS OLD!

(LAUGHTER)

THEY CAN'T SEE.

UM, I WAS HAVING SEX WITH

MY GIRLFRIEND DOGGIE STYLE...

(LAUGHTER)

THE CAT AND THE DOG

WERE WATCHING, AND...

SHE'S WAS LIKE,

UH-UH, BABY, STOP, STOP.

WAS SHOULD I STOP?

THE CAT AND THE DOG--

THEY WATCHING.

THAT'S COOL.

IT'S LIKE "NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC"

FOR THEM.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

I COULD HAVE SWORN I OVERHEARD

MY DOG GO TO MY CAT...

PSST.

LOOK AT HIM.

HE AIN'T EVEN DOING IT RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO, I WAS RAISED IN AN

INTER-RACIAL HOUSEHOLD.

UM, MY STEP FATHER'S JEWISH,

AND MY MOTHER WAS BLACK.

WAS BLACK--

LIKE SHE'S CHINESE NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

NO OFFENSE TO MY ASIAN BROTHERS

AND SISTERS.

I DON'T WANT YOU ALL WAITING

FOR ME OUTSIDE OR NOTHING.

(ASIAN ACCENT) HEY,

MR. BROWN MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY DON'T YOU TELL US JOKE NOW?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WENT TO AN ALL JEWISH BOYS

HIGH SCHOOL TO PLAY BASKETBALL.

AVERAGED 75 POINTS A GAME.

15 REBOUNDS.

32 ASSISTS.

(LAUGHTER)

I ONCE OVERHEARD THE COACH

TALKING ABOUT ME ONE DAY.

JEWISH ACCENT>> "WHO?

NUMBER 14?

GREER?

THE SCHVATZA?

SURE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

LIKE A MICHAEL JORDAN, THIS ONE.

WITH THE TEAM (INAUDIBLE)

3-POINT SHOT AT THE LAST SECOND,

HUH?

HE'S GREAT.

AND HE PLAYS A HELL OF A GAME."

(LAUGHTER)

SUPER HERO AS A KID.

'CAUSE I'M BUILT FOR IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCE>> WHOO!

GREER>> I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE

BATMAN.

BE KIND OF TOUGH, BEING A BLACK

BATMAN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BE CRUISING DOWN GOTHAM CITY

IN A BAT MOBILE.

CHILLING.

(IMITATING RAP MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING)

(RAP MUSIC CONTINUES)

AS ROBIN, NAH.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

IT WOULD BE TOUGH BEING

A BLACK BATMAN.

LIKE, I COULDN'T JUST ROLL UP

ON MR. FREEZE.

FREEZE!...

MR. FREEZE.

SCHAWARZENEGER WOULD JUST LOOK

ME.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I'M BATMAN."

"NO, YOU'RE NOT BATMAN.

YOU ARE BLACK MAN.

RIGHT."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

A COMIC.

AND THAT'S 'CAUSE I DIDN'T

DO VERY GOOD IN SCHOOL.

I THINK THAT I GOT DIFFERENT

BOOKS THAN EVERYBODY ELSE.

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER NOTHIN'.

I SUCK AT MATH.

IF YOU SUCK AT MATH, YOU CAN'T

GET A COOL JOB LATER ON IN LIFE.

THAT'S THE BIG REASON I'M A

COMIC, 'CAUSE I SUCK AT MATH.

IF IT WASN'T FOR MATH,

I'D BE THE FUNNIEST GUY

AT NASSA.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, BUT THAT'S THE IMPORTANT

PART OF THE JOB THERE.

THEY DON'T WANT YOU BALL PARKING

IT.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

YEAH.

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE, YEAH,

SCREW IT.

IT'LL MAKE IT.

NO.

THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN SHOWING UP

TO MY CUBICAL--

PROFESSOR EDDIE, HOW MUCH FUEL

IS IT GONNA TAKE TO PUT

THE SHUTTLE IN ORBIT?

I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE...

ALL RIGHT.

HOW MANY ARE GOING UP?

(LAUGHTER)

SIX...

PEOPLE?

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

SO, AH--

I GOT SIX PEOPLE...

IN THE SHUTTLE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

YOU SAID SIX, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

PUT SIX OVER PIE...

TIMES SOME TYPE OF ROOT...

I GOT, FILL IT UP.

WHAT DID YOU GUYS GET?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ALL THE JOBS I GOT FIRED FROM--

I NEVER CAUSED A SCENE.

AND IF YOU GET FIRED,

ESPECIALLY FROM A BAD JOB,

YOU SHOULD GO OFF.

YOU KNOW?

YEAH.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

BURGER KING DON'T TALK TO

WENDY'S.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO I GOT A PLAN.

IF I EVER HAVE TO GET ANOTHER

JOB-- AND I KNOW I'M GONNA GET

FIRED THAT DAY--

THAT DAY I'M GONNA GO TO WORK

WITH A POCKET FULL OF GLITTER,

AND WHEN MY BOSS FIRES ME,

I'LL BE LIKE, AH, SORRY IT

DIDN'T WORK OUT.

GLITTER?

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'M GONNA THROW IT RIGHT IN

HIS FACE.

YOU EVER TRY TO GET GLITTER OFF

BEFORE?

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S TOUGH AS HELL, ISN'T IT?

I MIGHT ME FIRED, BUT HE STILL

HAS TO WALK AROUND WORK THE REST

OF THE DAY.

MAN, WHAT DID YOU DO AT LUNCH?

RUB A MAGIC LAMP?

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE ALL BLING, BLING,

ABRA COTABRA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DID AN INTERVIEW FOR A

MAGAZINE ABOUT COMEDY.

AND AT THE INTERVIEW THE GUY

ASKED ME THIS.

HE GOES, "ONE MORE QUESTION.

HOW COME BLACK COMICS ARE ALOUD

TO USE THE "N" WORD ON STAGE

AND WHITE COMICS CAN'T?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "PROBABLY 'CAUSE

WE HAVEN'T USED IT PROPERLY

IN THE PAST."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING)

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, WE GOT A

LITTLE BOSSY WITH IT.

ARE "N" WORD PRIVILEGES

HAVE BEEN REVOKED."

AND THAT'S COOL, YOU KNOW.

I'LL SAY THE "N" WORD,

BUT I DO SING IT A LOT.

'CAUSE IT'S IN A LOT OF THE COOL

MUSIC I BUY TODAY.

YOU SHOULD HEAR ME IN MY CAR

WITH THE WINDOWS UP.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

THOUGH.

I HAD A BLACK FRIEND IN MY CAR

THE OTHER DAY AND WE WERE

SINGING A DR. DRE SONG.

LIKE, WORD FOR WORD.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I REALIZED,

OH, MY GOD.

THE "N" WORD COMING UP.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I STARTED FREAKING.

I WAS LIKE...

CAN I SING IT IN FRONT OF HIM?

AND I CAN SEE HIM LOOKING AT ME,

TOO.

LIKE, WHATCHA GONNA DO, BIGGIN'?

(LAUGHTER)

SO, I JUST CHANGED THE WORD.

I WAS LIKE, SCHOLARPALOO!

THEN I THREW GLITTER IN HIS FACE

AND RAN OUT OF MY CAR.

THANKS A LOT, NEW YORK.

ISSUES.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

CRAZY PEOPLE WERE IN CHARGE

OF ME WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

WHEN I WAS SIX YEARS OLD, MY

MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO COME PICK

ME UP AND TAKE ME TO THE JAIL

TO VISIT MY UNCLE ROBBIE.

THAT'S WHERE I SPENT MY ENTIRE

CHILDHOOD.

IN THE VISITING PEN OF WALLPOLE

STATE PRISON.

I'M SITTIN' THERE AND THESE BIG,

FAT WHITE LADIES ARE MAKING OUT

WITH THESE LITTLE TINY

BLACK GUYS PRACTICALLY SUCKING

THEIR WHOLE HEADS DOWN THEIR

THROAT.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

FEELING UP THEIR BOOBS

AND EVERYTHING.

I'M SIX.

I'M LIKE THIS.

MY GRANDMOTHER'S LIKE, SUSAN,

DON'T STARE.

THEN DON'T TAKE ME TO JAILS,

YOU NUT BAG!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS SUCH A LOSER WHEN I WAS A

LITTLE KID.

I HAD A LAZY EYE.

THIS WAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD.

HEY!

HEY, HI.

DO YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND?

HUH?

HEY, EXCUSE ME.

I'M TALKING TO YOU OVER THERE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HEY!

TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD.

SO MY SELF-ESTEEM WASN'T

SO GREAT.

SO I DIDN'T ALWAYS PICK THE BEST

MEN.

BUT I DID LEARN A LESSON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LEARNED?

IF A GUY TELLS YOU THAT

HE'S A JERK, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY

LISTEN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHO-WHOO!

(CHEERING)

'CAUSE THEY TELL YOU RIGHT OFF

THE BAT.

DON'T THEY, GIRLS?

LISTEN.

I'M A JERK.

I'M NO GOOD FOR YOU.

WHAT HAPPENS TO US?

WE TURN INTO A LITTLE KID.

LA, LA, LA, LA,

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M IRISH.

I'M TRYING TO BE SEXT

BUT I CAN'T.

'CAUSE I HAVE THAT NASTY WHITE

IRISH CATHOLIC SKIN THAT BREAKS

OUT IN A BLOTCH ANYTIME I FEEL

ANY EMOTION WHATSOEVER.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S VERY SEXY.

YOU WALK UP TO A GUY, YOU GOT

A BIG BLOTCH ON YOUR NECK.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HI.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

HE'S LIKE, "THAT'S DISGUSTING."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT CONTAGIOUS?

YOU LOOK LIKE A LEPER.

BEAT IT!

GET OUTTA HERE!"

IRISH GIRLS HAVE NO SEXUALITY.

I MEAN, ITALIAN GIRLS ARE KINDA

SEXY.

BUT THE LATINO GIRLS...

THEY GOT IT GOIN' ON!

LOOK IT!

MIDA.

MIDA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS?

YOU COME OUT OF THE WOMB

AND YOU'VE REACHED THE HEIGHT OF

YOUR SEXUALITY?

IS THAT WHAT HAPPENS?

YES.

THE DOCTOR GOES TO SPANK YOU,

YOU'RE LIKE, "MORE, MORE, MORE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

MAYBE NOT OUT OF THE WOMB.

BUT BY THE TIME AGE THREE COMES

AROUND, YOU'VE GUYS HAVE REACHED

THE HEIGHT OF YOUR SEXUALITY.

YOU ASK A LITTLE GIRL TO DANCE,

THIS IS HOW SHE DANCES...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

I'M IRISH CATHOLIC, AGE 33

AND THIS IS WHAT I GET...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT, THE BLOTCHES AND THE

LAZY EYE GET THEM EVERY TIME.

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHY?

I HAVE TO BE IN A GOOD MOOD.

'CAUSE I'M A HUSBAND, AND A

FATHER OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM.

AND WE HAVE TO BE IN GOOD MOOD.

WE HAVE TO BE IN A GOOD MOOD

'CAUSE WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GET

MAD NOWADAYS, GUYS.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

MEN, NOWADAYS, ARE NOT ALLOWED

TO GET MAD.

WE CAN'T.

SEE, WHEN I WAS A KID,

I GREW UP IN THE '70s.

MY FATHER GOT MAD, HE THREW A

SHOVEL THROUGH THE WALL.

(LAUGHTER)

WHATEVER WE DID TO MAKE THAT

HAPPEN...

NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN!

NOW, IF I GET MAD,

I AM ON PROZAC, ZOLOFT.

I AM IN ANGER MANAGEMENT

CLASSES.

I GOT TO GO TO THERAPY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SEE?

THE RULES HAVE CHANGED, MEN.

IT'S A DIFFERENT WORLD.

I GET A MINI VAN.

MY FATHER NEVER HAD A MINI VAN.

I GREW UP IN THE LATE '60s

EARLY '70s...

HE HAD A '68 CHRYSLER WITH VINYL

SEATS.

HE MADE A TURN--

MY BROTHER WAS HANGING OUT

THE WINDOW--

HE DIDN'T CARE!

HE WAS TRYING TO LOSE US!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NOWADAYS, MY KIDS ARE STRAPPED

IN SO TIGHT--

"DADDY, ARE WE THERE YET?"

"NO."

"CAN YOU SCRATCH MY NOSE?..."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOON AS YOU GET IN THE CAR--

SOON AS YOU GET IN THE VAN--

YOU GOT TO POP IN THE VIDEO,

TAPES, CD.

THEY GOT CUP HOLDERS.

"FATHER, MAKE A LEFT OVER HERE."

WHEN I WAS A KID--

"HEY, DAD.

CAN I LISTEN TO SOMETHING

ON THE RADIO?"

"SHUT UP.

WHEN YOU GET YOUR OWN CAR YOU

CAN LISTEN TO YOUR OWN STUFF!

TILL THEN, IT'S ALL NEWS

ALL THE TIME."

I WAS THE ONLY KID IN FIFTH

GRADE WHO KNEW WHERE BEIRUT WAS.

(LAUGHTER)

ANYTHING TO SHUT THE KIDS UP.

KEEP 'EM QUITE.

THAT'S WHAT THAT STUFF'S

BACK THERE FOR.

KEEP 'EM QUITE.

BECAUSE WE CAN'T HANDLE

SCREAMING.

MEN CAN'T HANDLE IT.

MY WIFE CAN HANDLE SCREAMING.

MY WIFE IS A GENIUS WITH THAT.

SHE KNOWS HOW TO TALK TO THE

KIDS.

AND MY KIDS WILL SCREAM LIKE

THEY'RE SHIFTING GEARS.

YOU EVER HEAR--

MY KIDS--

(SCREAMS WHILE SHIFTING GEARS)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

TO THE COSTCO--

BIG SUPER MARKET WAREHOUSE--

AND SHE BOUGHT FOURTEEN POUNDS

OF OREO'S.

AND BY THE WAY,

IT SAVED US MONEY SOMEHOW.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THE COUPON

QUEEN WORKED THAT OUT.

BUT AS FAR AS OREO'S CONCERNED,

OH, BOY.

DID SHE GET OVER ON THEM.

SO SHE BUYS THE COOKIES, BRINGS

THEM HOME, PUTS THEM IN THE

REFRIGERATOR.

MY SON WHO'S SEVEN,

WENT TO THE STORE WITH HER.

SO HE KNOWS THAT THEY'RE

IN THE HOUSE.

THE NEXT MORNING, HE WAKES UP

AND HE WANTS A COOKIE FOR

BREAKFAST.

HE'S NOT GOING TO GO TO HER

'CAUSE HE KNOWS SHE'S GONNA SAY

NO.

SO HE COMES TO ME.

6 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.

YOU'RE AN INTELLIGENT MAN.

SOMEBODY LOOKS AT YOU

AT 6 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING

AND GOES, "I WANT A COOKIE!"

(WHINING)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU GIVE HIM THE COOKIE!

HE COULD HAVE ASKED FOR CRACK.

I WOULD HAVE SAID "COME OVER

HERE WITH THE PIPE.

LET'S GET HIGH AND WATCH RUGRATS

TOGETHER."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SHE WENT NUTS ON ME.

YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM A COOKIE

FOR BREAKFAST, YOU MORON!

I CAN'T GIVE HIM ONE COOKIE,

YET, AN HOUR LATER,

SHE GAVE HIM WAFFLES, BUTTER,

SYRUP, WHIP CREAM,

SOME STRAWBERRY STUFF

FROM A CAN, YET, THE ONE COOKIE

THAT I GAVE HIM, IS GONNA RUIN

THE METABOLISM SHE CREATED IN

THIS KIDS LIFE SEVEN YEARS AGO

ON THE PLANET.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?

COMPUTERS.

BILL GATES CAN MEGABYTE ME

FOR ALL I CARE.

I HATE THAT SON OF A BITCH.

I WILL NOT BE PART OF

THE MACHINE THAT TELLS ME WHEN

TO SHUT IT OFF.

MY CAR DON'T TELL ME WHEN

TO SHUT IT OFF.

I'LL PULL THE PLUG ON THE SON OF

A BITCH.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I HATE THESE PEOPLE...

'CAUSE THEY GONNA MAKE US THINK

WE GOTTA BE MORE CONNECTED.

YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

WE GOT TO KNOW MORE INFORMATION.

NO.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYMORE

INFORMATION.

I DON'T WANT E-MAIL.

I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

I WANT TO SEND YOU AN E-MAIL.

YOU KISS MY E-ASS.

YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOUR

WHOPPER?

YOU GO TO www.Burgerking.com.

NO.

I WANT TO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT

THE WHOPPER.

I WANT TO BUY IT.

EAT IT.

POOP IT OUT.

WHERE'S THE NEXT ONE COMING

FROM?

THAT'S ALL I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT

THE WHOPPER.

Loading...