Barnes, Gossling, Costello, Kola

  • Season 5, Ep 509
  • 10/05/2001

Greer Barnes dominates his Jewish high school's basketball team, Eddie Gossling gets fired, Sue Costello visits her uncle in jail, and Joey Kola shuts his kid up with an Oreo.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.

LOVE YOU, TOO.

A LOT OF LOVE UP IN HERE.

LOT OF LOVE.

LOOKING AT ALL THESE WOMEN.

WE'VE GOT SOME RUMP SHAKERS,

AND WE'VE GOT SOME BABY MAKERS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

NICE.

I'M LOOKING FOR A RUMP SHAKER

MYSELF.

HA-HA-HA!

NAH, IT'S WEIRD.

A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE HAVING

BABIES, NOW.

YOU KNOW?

EVERYBODY'S HAVING BABIES.

I'M KINDA SCARED TO HAVE BABIES,

'CAUSE--

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE>> I'LL HAVE

YOUR BABY!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

DAVID>> RIGHT NOW?

THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

AS I WAS SAYING...

NAH, IT'S WEIRD, MAN.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE

FRIENDS WHO HAVE BABIES, RIGHT?

SOON AS THE BABY'S BORN,

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BABY.

AND IT'S SCARY.

'CAUSE A LOT OF THESE PARENTS--

IT'S LIKE, THEY CAN'T SEE THEIR

OWN CHILDREN'S FAULT.

THEY'RE PERFECT, YOU KNOW.

OOHH, LOOK AT THE BABY.

LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S SO CUTE.

LOOK AT HIM.

OH, AND HE'S SMART.

HE'S SMART.

THIS BABY'S A GENIUS.

HE KNOWS HIS TIMES TABLES.

THAT BABY IS FOURTEEN YEARS OLD!

(LAUGHTER)

THEY CAN'T SEE.

UM, I WAS HAVING SEX WITH

MY GIRLFRIEND DOGGIE STYLE...

(LAUGHTER)

THE CAT AND THE DOG

WERE WATCHING, AND...

SHE'S WAS LIKE,

UH-UH, BABY, STOP, STOP.

WAS SHOULD I STOP?

THE CAT AND THE DOG--

THEY WATCHING.

THAT'S COOL.

IT'S LIKE "NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC"

FOR THEM.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

I COULD HAVE SWORN I OVERHEARD

MY DOG GO TO MY CAT...

PSST.

LOOK AT HIM.

HE AIN'T EVEN DOING IT RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO, I WAS RAISED IN AN

INTER-RACIAL HOUSEHOLD.

UM, MY STEP FATHER'S JEWISH,

AND MY MOTHER WAS BLACK.

WAS BLACK--

LIKE SHE'S CHINESE NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

NO OFFENSE TO MY ASIAN BROTHERS

AND SISTERS.

I DON'T WANT YOU ALL WAITING

FOR ME OUTSIDE OR NOTHING.

(ASIAN ACCENT) HEY,

MR. BROWN MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY DON'T YOU TELL US JOKE NOW?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WENT TO AN ALL JEWISH BOYS

HIGH SCHOOL TO PLAY BASKETBALL.

AVERAGED 75 POINTS A GAME.

15 REBOUNDS.

32 ASSISTS.

(LAUGHTER)

I ONCE OVERHEARD THE COACH

TALKING ABOUT ME ONE DAY.

JEWISH ACCENT>> "WHO?

NUMBER 14?

GREER?

THE SCHVATZA?

SURE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

LIKE A MICHAEL JORDAN, THIS ONE.

WITH THE TEAM (INAUDIBLE)

3-POINT SHOT AT THE LAST SECOND,

HUH?

HE'S GREAT.

AND HE PLAYS A HELL OF A GAME."

(LAUGHTER)

SUPER HERO AS A KID.

'CAUSE I'M BUILT FOR IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCE>> WHOO!

GREER>> I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE

BATMAN.

BE KIND OF TOUGH, BEING A BLACK

BATMAN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BE CRUISING DOWN GOTHAM CITY

IN A BAT MOBILE.

CHILLING.

(IMITATING RAP MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING)

(RAP MUSIC CONTINUES)

AS ROBIN, NAH.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

IT WOULD BE TOUGH BEING

A BLACK BATMAN.

LIKE, I COULDN'T JUST ROLL UP

ON MR. FREEZE.

FREEZE!...

MR. FREEZE.

SCHAWARZENEGER WOULD JUST LOOK

ME.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I'M BATMAN."

"NO, YOU'RE NOT BATMAN.

YOU ARE BLACK MAN.

RIGHT."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

A COMIC.

AND THAT'S 'CAUSE I DIDN'T

DO VERY GOOD IN SCHOOL.

I THINK THAT I GOT DIFFERENT

BOOKS THAN EVERYBODY ELSE.

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER NOTHIN'.

I SUCK AT MATH.

IF YOU SUCK AT MATH, YOU CAN'T

GET A COOL JOB LATER ON IN LIFE.

THAT'S THE BIG REASON I'M A

COMIC, 'CAUSE I SUCK AT MATH.

IF IT WASN'T FOR MATH,

I'D BE THE FUNNIEST GUY

AT NASSA.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, BUT THAT'S THE IMPORTANT

PART OF THE JOB THERE.

THEY DON'T WANT YOU BALL PARKING

IT.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

YEAH.

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE, YEAH,

SCREW IT.

IT'LL MAKE IT.

NO.

THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN SHOWING UP

TO MY CUBICAL--

PROFESSOR EDDIE, HOW MUCH FUEL

IS IT GONNA TAKE TO PUT

THE SHUTTLE IN ORBIT?

I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE...

ALL RIGHT.

HOW MANY ARE GOING UP?

(LAUGHTER)

SIX...

PEOPLE?

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

SO, AH--

I GOT SIX PEOPLE...

IN THE SHUTTLE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

YOU SAID SIX, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

PUT SIX OVER PIE...

TIMES SOME TYPE OF ROOT...

I GOT, FILL IT UP.

WHAT DID YOU GUYS GET?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ALL THE JOBS I GOT FIRED FROM--

I NEVER CAUSED A SCENE.

AND IF YOU GET FIRED,

ESPECIALLY FROM A BAD JOB,

YOU SHOULD GO OFF.

YOU KNOW?

YEAH.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

BURGER KING DON'T TALK TO

WENDY'S.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO I GOT A PLAN.

IF I EVER HAVE TO GET ANOTHER

JOB-- AND I KNOW I'M GONNA GET

FIRED THAT DAY--

THAT DAY I'M GONNA GO TO WORK

WITH A POCKET FULL OF GLITTER,

AND WHEN MY BOSS FIRES ME,

I'LL BE LIKE, AH, SORRY IT

DIDN'T WORK OUT.

GLITTER?

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'M GONNA THROW IT RIGHT IN

HIS FACE.

YOU EVER TRY TO GET GLITTER OFF

BEFORE?

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S TOUGH AS HELL, ISN'T IT?

I MIGHT ME FIRED, BUT HE STILL

HAS TO WALK AROUND WORK THE REST

OF THE DAY.

MAN, WHAT DID YOU DO AT LUNCH?

RUB A MAGIC LAMP?

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE ALL BLING, BLING,

ABRA COTABRA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DID AN INTERVIEW FOR A

MAGAZINE ABOUT COMEDY.

AND AT THE INTERVIEW THE GUY

ASKED ME THIS.

HE GOES, "ONE MORE QUESTION.

HOW COME BLACK COMICS ARE ALOUD

TO USE THE "N" WORD ON STAGE

AND WHITE COMICS CAN'T?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "PROBABLY 'CAUSE

WE HAVEN'T USED IT PROPERLY

IN THE PAST."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING)

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, WE GOT A

LITTLE BOSSY WITH IT.

ARE "N" WORD PRIVILEGES

HAVE BEEN REVOKED."

AND THAT'S COOL, YOU KNOW.

I'LL SAY THE "N" WORD,

BUT I DO SING IT A LOT.

'CAUSE IT'S IN A LOT OF THE COOL

MUSIC I BUY TODAY.

YOU SHOULD HEAR ME IN MY CAR

WITH THE WINDOWS UP.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

THOUGH.

I HAD A BLACK FRIEND IN MY CAR

THE OTHER DAY AND WE WERE

SINGING A DR. DRE SONG.

LIKE, WORD FOR WORD.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I REALIZED,

OH, MY GOD.

THE "N" WORD COMING UP.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I STARTED FREAKING.

I WAS LIKE...

CAN I SING IT IN FRONT OF HIM?

AND I CAN SEE HIM LOOKING AT ME,

TOO.

LIKE, WHATCHA GONNA DO, BIGGIN'?

(LAUGHTER)

SO, I JUST CHANGED THE WORD.

I WAS LIKE, SCHOLARPALOO!

THEN I THREW GLITTER IN HIS FACE

AND RAN OUT OF MY CAR.

THANKS A LOT, NEW YORK.