CC Presents: Anthony Jeselnik

  • Season 13, Ep 3
  • 01/11/2009

Anthony Jeselnik is all heart for his friends, family and loved ones.

THE FIRST THING I LOOK FORIS INTELLIGENCE,

BECAUSE IF SHEDOESN'T HAVE THAT,

THEN SHE'S MINE.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY GIRLFRIEND WAS CLEANING UP

AROUND MY APARTMENTTHE OTHER DAY,

CAME ACROSS A PAIR OF EARRINGSTHAT WERE NOT HERS,

AND SHE JUST FLIPPED OUT.

THREW THE EARRINGSIN MY FACE, SAID,

"ANTHONY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?I DEMAND ANSWERS."

I SAID, "BABY, CALM DOWN.

"LET'S HANDLE THIS LIKE ADULTS.

"JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH,

AND FINISHCLEANING MY APARTMENT."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I LOVE TO DRINK.I DO IT ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU GUYS --

MY GIRLFRIEND HAS NEVER ONCETOUCHED A DROP OF ALCOHOL

IN HER ENTIRE LIFE.

SEE, BOTH OF HER PARENTSHAD HUGE COCAINE PROBLEMS,

AND SHE WATCHED ITTEAR THE FAMILY APART,

SO NOW SHE JUST STICKS TO THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T LIVE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

SHE LIVES A FEW MILESAWAY FROM ME.

AND LAST NIGHT, SHE CALLED ME UPAT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

SAID, "ANTHONY, GET OVER HERERIGHT AWAY.

I THINK SOMEONE'S TRYING TOBREAK IN TO MY BEDROOM WINDOW."

AND I DROPPED THE PHONE,

AND I WAS SO PUMPED UPWITH ADRENALINE,

IT WAS TOUGHTO GET BACK TO SLEEP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LAST WEEKEND, I WAS IN BOSTON,

STAYING WITHMY GIRLFRIEND'S FATHER.

BRUTAL.

HE WOULDN'T LET US SLEEPIN THE SAME BEDROOM TOGETHER.

HE SAID, "SORRY, BUDDY.I DON'T TRUST YOU."

I SAID, "TRUST ME, BUDDY,I'M [BLEEP] YOUR DAUGHTER."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I RAN FOR CLASS PRESIDENT,

AND I LOST TO A GIRLIN A WHEELCHAIR.

NO, I'M NOT ASHAMED.

I KNOW SHE DEFINITELY GOTTHE SYMPATHY VOTE,

BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I RANA REALLY NEGATIVE CAMPAIGN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"VOTE FOR ANTHONY.

HIS IDEAS HAVE LEGS."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I LOVE SHAKESPEARE.

WHOO!WHOO!

[ CHUCKLES ]

FAVORITE SUBJECT IN COLLEGE.

STILL READ SHAKESPEARE TODAY.

AND PEOPLE COMPLAIN TO METHAT IT'S IMPRACTICAL

TO KNOW SO MUCHABOUT SHAKESPEARE.

BUT LET ME LEARN YOU SOMETHING.

IF IT WASN'TFOR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE,

I WOULD HAVETOTALLY OVERREACTED

WHEN MY FIANCéE KILLED HERSELF.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

NOW, IF YOU DIDN'T LAUGHAT THAT PARTICULAR JOKE,

IT'S OKAY.

YOU GET A PASS.

I UNDERSTAND I'M NOTFOR EVERYBODY.

BUT YOU SHOULDPROBABLY READ MORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDSIS BLIND.

HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO SEEANYTHING HIS ENTIRE LIFE,

BUT HE CAN HEAR A HUMMINGBIRDFROM 50 YARDS AWAY.

I MEAN, TALK ABOUT WORTHLESS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS IN A FRATERNITYIN COLLEGE.

YOU GUYS CAN PROBABLY TELLI'M PRETTY COOL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND ONE OFMY FRATERNITY BROTHERS

WAS THIS GUY NAMED CLUMSY.

IT WASN'T HIS REAL NAME,

BUT THE GUY WAS CLUMSY,ALL RIGHT?

ONE DAY, CLUMSY TELLS USHE WANTS TO BUY A GUN,

AND WE ALL SAY, "NO, CLUMSY,DON'T DO IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE GONNA KILL YOURSELF."

BUT CLUMSY DOESN'T LISTEN.

SURE ENOUGH, THE DAY HE BROUGHTTHE GUN HOME,

CLUMSY KILLED HIMSELF...

BECAUSE HE HATED THAT NICKNAME.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKINGTO YOURSELF,

"ANTHONY, TWO JOKES ABOUTSUICIDE IN A COMEDY SET?"

DON'T WORRY.

MY SET'S NOT OVER YET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL I WANTED IN THE WORLDWAS A TREE HOUSE.

AND I WOULD BEG AND CRYTO MY PARENTS EVERY DAY

JUST TO BUILD ME A TREE HOUSE.

BUT THEY ALWAYS SAID,"NO, ANTHONY.

WE GOT TO KEEP LIVINGIN THE VAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,I WAS PRETTY POOR,

NOT LIKE NOW,WHEN I'M ROLLING IN IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT WHEN I WAS A KID,I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH, YOU KNOW?

BUT I KNEW FATHER'S DAYWAS COMING UP.

AND I WANTEDTO GET MY DAD SOMETHING

THAT I COULD NOT ONLY AFFORD

BUT THAT WOULD ALSO SHOWHOW MUCH I CARED.

SO WHAT I DIDWAS I GOT HIM A T-SHIRT.

IT SAID,"WORLD'S GREATEST DAD --

SEMIFINALIST."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY MOM USED TO PUT A NOTEIN MY LUNCHBOX EVERY MORNING,

AND SHE WOULD HIDE ITSO I COULDN'T FIND IT

UNTIL I GOT AT THE CAFETERIATHAT AFTERNOON WITH MY FRIENDS.

I COULDN'T APPRECIATE ITAT THE TIME, THOUGH,

BECAUSE EVERY NOTE SAID, "SORRYI DIDN'T PACK YOUR LUNCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY MOM WAS THE WORST

AT HAVING TO BREAK BAD NEWSTO HER CHILDREN.

I REMEMBER I CAME HOMEFROM SCHOOL ONE DAY.

SHE SAID, "ANTHONY, I DON'T KNOWHOW TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT I'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR,AND YOU CAN'T TELL DAD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SAID, "WELL, WHY NOT?"

SHE SAID,"'CAUSE HE JUST PASSED AWAY."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH. MM.

THAT JOKE USUALLY GETSA STANDING OVATION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY UNCLE FRITZ USEDTO BE A PARAPLEGIC.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THEN LAST MONTH,HE HAD A STROKE,

AND NOW WE DON'T KNOWWHAT TO CALL HIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PRETTY SMART JOKE.

THIS IS A LITTLE SAD,YOU GUYS.

I GOT A PHONE CALLLATE LAST NIGHT

TELLING ME MY GRANDMA'SONLY GOT A DAY LEFT TO LIVE.

AND I DON'T WANT THISTO SOUND COLD,

BUT I AM NOT GONNA PAYTHE RANSOM.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T CLAPIF YOU KNEW MY GRANDMA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY SISTER WAS ARRESTED --LISTEN TO THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NINE MONTHS PREGNANT,

HOME ALONEWHEN SHE GOES INTO LABOR,

TRIES TO DRIVE HERSELFTO THE HOSPITAL.

GETS PULLED OVER AND GIVES BIRTHRIGHT THERE ON THE FREEWAY,

WHICH ISN'T ILLEGAL,

BUT SHE WAS WASTED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACESIN THE WORLD.

AND I GET TO TRAVELALL OVER THE WORLD, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I'M GREAT AT WHAT I DO.

BUT NEW YORK CITY?

I WANT TO BURY MY KIDS HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SEXUAL HARASSMENT'S A PROBLEM.LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS CHICKIS TRYING TO GET ME FIRED

BECAUSE SHE CLAIMSI'VE BEEN GIVING HER

"INAPPROPRIATE" MASSAGESIN THE OFFICE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, I SAID, "GOOD LUCKWITH THAT, SWEETHEART.

I DON'T EVEN WORK HERE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S A GREAT JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

CHRISTMAS ISMY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NO JEWS HERE, HUH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, CHRISTMAS ISMY FAVORITE HOLIDAY,

AND I THINKTHAT THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT

IS SOMETHING THAT YOU MAKEYOURSELF, YOU KNOW...

LIKE CRYSTAL METH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL,

I HAD TO TAKEA STANDARDIZED TEST --

SUPPOSED TO TELL ME WHAT I HADTO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.

AND MY RESULTS CAME BACKAND SAID

THAT I HAD TO EITHER BEA ROCKET SCIENTIST...

OR RUN A LAUNDRY SERVICE...

OR STOP CHEATINGOFF THE ASIAN KID.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I USED TO WORKAS A TEACHER.

[ SCATTERED WHOOPING ]

SHUT UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T NEED TEACHERSHOGGING MY SPOTLIGHT.

I USED TO WORK AS A TEACHER

AT A HIGH SCHOOLFOR TROUBLED KIDS --

NOT AN EASY JOB.

THESE KIDSDIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN,

AND THEY SURE AS HELLDIDN'T WANT TO LEARN.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU,THERE WAS NOTHING MORE REWARDING

THAN CONVINCINGJUST ONE OF THOSE KIDS

TO SLEEP WITH ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Loading...