Monday, June 2, 2014

  • 06/02/2014

Alison Rosen, Greg Proops and Dana Gould find out about a porn reality competition series, #RuinARealityShow and come up with classes for a professor with a unique look.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I MISSED THIS PODIUM.

ALRIGHT THE CHICAGO BLACKHAWKSHAVE LOST THE BATTLE OF THE

WESTERN CONFERENCE LAST NIGHT TOTHE LA KINGS

FAILING TO RETURN -- I THINKTO THE STANLEY CUP FINALS, BUT

THEY DID WIN THE INADVERTENTTWITTER WAR WITH MEXICO'S

PRESIDENT BY ACCIDENTALLYTWEETING A HASHTAG THAT

ESSENTIALLY TRANSLATES TO WHICHOF THE FOLLOWING.

>> A, I LOVE YOUR COUNTRY'SCOCAINE.

>> B. EAT A BAG OF DICKS

>> C, GO (BLEEP) YOUR MOTHER.

>> WHICH ONE OF THOSE.

>> ALISON ROSEN.

>> I WILL SAY, B, EAT A BAG OFDICKS, BECAUSE, YES.

>> Chris: BECAUSE -- C, THECORRECT ANSWER IS, IN FACT, C,

AND IT IS ACTUALLY C.

THE EPN PORTION REFERS TO THEENRIQUE PENA NIETO, PRESIDENT OF

MEXICO. DO THEY BLEEP (BLEEP)?(BLEEP). (BLEEP). (BLEEP).

>> WHAT ABOUT LIKE A BAG OFCULO.

>> ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, BIG HARD

NEWS FROM THE NEWS OFINTERACTIVE PORNO.

>> A REALITY SHOW CALLED THE SEXFACTOR IS LETTING YOU DECIDE

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP AND/ORBOTTOM.

SO LET'S GO TO THE YOUTUBES.

YOU HAVE TO BE FEARLESS IN PORN.

THE FIRST COUPLE SCENES ARE ALITTLE NERVE-RACKING.

I'M MOST EXCITED ABOUT GOING TODO A SCENE WITH THE WINNERS.

>> DO YOU HAVE THE SEX FACTOR?

>> ACCORDING TO THE TRAILERVIEWERS AT HOME CAN USE THEIR

SMART PHONE AND FREE HAND TO DOWHAT?

>> A, VOTE ON THE CONTESTANT'SPOSSIBLE PORN NAMES LIKE GIRTH

BROOKS.

B, SUBMIT THEIR OWN FINISH FACESELFIES.

>> C, CROWD SOURCE HIGH DEGREEOF DIFFICULTY SEX POSITIONS LIKE

THE GRANDE FAPPUCCINO.

>> GREG PROOPS.

>> I THINK IT IS A.

>> THAT'S IT, YES!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: COMEDIANS, PLEASE

HELP THEM OUT AND SUGGEST A PORNSTAR MAIM THEY CAN USE.

GREG PROOPS.

>> I HOPE NEVER LETTING OLDERPEOPLE DO THIS SHOW BECAUSE IF

THEY ARE, DUSTY LOADS..

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOUR GRANDPARENTS HAD SEX, IT LOOKS

LIKE SOMEBODY JUST PUT UPDRYWALL.

NOW IT IS TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> THE SEX FACTOR IS SURELY JUSTTHE BEGINNING OF A NEW TREND OF

PORN REALITY SHOWS.

MIGHT I PITCH THE SQUEALHOUSEWIVES.

SO LET'S HELP THEM OUT WITH THEHASHTAG RUIN A REALITY SHOW

LIKE SHART TANK, OR SURVIVOR:BROKEN HOME EDITION, CAKE FARTS

BOSS.

>> SOMEBODY HAS TO BE THE BOSSOF CAKE FARTS.

>> 60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCKSTARTING NOW.

>> ALISON.

>> 42 AND PREGNANT.

>> Chris: YES. POINTS. YEAH, FORSURE.

>> DANA.

>> SO YOU THINK YOU CAN PERFORMA LATE TERM ABORTION.

>> Chris: ALISON.

>> DANCING WITH THE SKLARS.

>> Chris: THEY'RE NOT GOODDANCERS, I KNOW.

POINTS. DANA.

>> MANSON FAMILY VALUES.

EBOLA SALAD SHOOTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> ICE ROAD SEX TRAFFICKERS.

>> Chris: POINTS. YES ALISON.

>> KEEPING UP WITH THEKEVORKIANS.

>> Chris: OKAY. SURE, POINTS.DANA.

>> REAL HOUSEWIVES OF HENRYVIII.

>> Chris: POINTS. DANA.

>> TEN AND PREGNANT.

>> Chris: DON'T RUIN IT. THATWOULD RUINED THE REALITY SHOW.

>> LITERALLY TOO SOON.

>> WHAT IS CLOGGING THEKARDASHIAN'S DRAIN?

[ APPLAUSE ]>> I THINK IT IS BRUCE JENNER'S

POWDERED (BLEEP).

YAHOO ANSWERS

>> YAHOO ANSWERS IS A FUN RABBITYOU CAN GO DOWN AND LOSE

HOURS AND HOURS OF TIME. IT'SESENTIALLY QUESTIONS POSED BY

USERS THAT FALL INTO ONE OFTHREE CATEGORIES, REASONABLE

QUERIES, STUFF YOU COULD EASILYGOOGLE, AND INSANE NONSENSE THAT

SEEMS LIKE IT WAS COOKED UP BY ALUNATIC ON BATTLE SALTS.

>> ANY COMBINATION OF THOSETHREE THINGS.

SO COMEDIANS, WE'RE GOING TO HITYOU WITH A QUESTION FROM

YAHOO ANSWERS AND YOU'LL GETPOINTS FOR SAGE, OR HILARIOUS,

ADVICE.

>> THIS IS MY FAVORITE FOR ALONG TIME AND AM GLAD IT'S ON

THE SHOW SO WE CAN FINALLY GETAN ANSWER.

>> DOES SPIDER HAVE PUSSPUSS?

>> I MEAN, IT'S IN ZOOLOGYRIGHT, THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE?

>> DANA.

>> CERTAINLY ANDREW GARFIELDMORE THAN TOBEY MAGUIRE.

>> Chris: POINTS! POINTS!

>> WHAT IF MORRISSEY WAS A SUPERHERO.

I DON'T WANT TO WATCH THAT.

>> Chris: GREG.

>> YOU CAN CATCH MORE FLIES WITHPUSSPUSS THAN WITH VINEGAR.

>> Chris: YOU DO.

POINTS.

>> THINK ABOUT IT YOU ALL.

>> Chris: ALISON ROSEN.

>> YES, BUT HE PREFERS IT IN THEBUTT-BUTT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: AND THE NEXT ONE,

HAS ANYONE EVER HAD A DREAM THEYWERE ON THE TOILET AND THEN THEY

WERE IN PUBLIC.

>> GREG.

>> THAT WAS NO DREAM, YOU RUINEDMY QUINCEANERA.

ACTION NEWS ROUNDUP

>> I AM CHRIS HARDWICK WITH THIS@MIDNIGHT INVESTIGATIVE REPORT.

THE ACTION NEWS TEAMS, EVERYTOWN IN AMERICA HAS ONE, BUT

WHAT ARE THEY REALLY REPORTING. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU AN ACTION

NEWS TEAM, YOU HAVE TO GUESSWHICH IS THE REAL ACTION

NEWS STORY FEATURED ON THEIRFACEBOOK PAGES.

FIRST ONE, ABC ACTION NEWS INTAMPA.

>> ARE THEY FIRST ON THE SCENEWITH A LIVE REPORT FROM A

NATURAL GAS SINKHOLE THEY DUBBEDTHE STINK HOLE OR AN INTERVIEW

WITH A DISABLED PIG NAMED CHRISP BACON?

>> I DON'T FEEL GOOD NOW.

>> Chris: GREG PROOPS.

>> I AM GOING TO SAY CRISPYBACON BUT I'D LIKE TO POINT

OUT SHE HAS A PORN NAME, IS ITDAN SHAFTER?

>> AND HER PORN STAR NAME IS THESTINK HOLE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> MY SON AND I USED TO PLAYVIDEO GAMES WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER,

AND THERE IS A CHARACTER ONTHERE NAMED CHRIS P BACON, A

LITTLE PIG THAT FLOATS UNDERWATER AND ADORABLE, SO, YOU

KNOW, AFTER A WEEK, YOU SAY, OHI GET IT.

>> A WEEK.

>> I JUST OVULATED.

>> Chris: THAT IS ADORABLE.

>> NEXT ONE, ACTION NEWSJACKSONVILLE, AKA ACTION

JACKSONVILLE.

>> IS THERE TOP STORY EXCLUSIVEABOUT SEVERAL MONSTER TRUCKS

SITTING IDLE IN A PARKING LOT,OR ONE LOCAL DRIVE-IN THAT YOU

MIGHT JUST SAY IS FOR THE BIRDS.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY A SEVERALMONSTER TRUCKS IN A PARKING LOT.

>> WE HAVE MASS DESCTRUCTION,THE GRAVE DIGGER AND THEN, TAKE

A LOOK AT THIS ONE, THAT IS ATRANSFORMING CAR.

IT BLOWS FIRE.

IT IS REALLY EXCITING.

>> YOU KNOW, ANY CAR WILL BLOWFIRE IF YOU MESS IT UP ENOUGH.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: SURE.

THE LAST ONE.

CLEVELAND'S 19 ACTION NEWS, WHATCIVIC ISSUE ARE THEY BLOWING THE

LID OFF OF.

>> TEACHER'S YOGA PANTS DEEMEDDO SEXY FOR SCHOOL OR VANITY

LICENSE PLATES THAT ARE TOORAUNCHY FOR THE ROAD.

>> DANA.

>> I THINK IT IS TEACHER'S YOGAPANTS DEEMED TOO SEXY FOR

SCHOOL.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> AND THERE IS A WHOLE LIST OFREJECTED PLATES FROM THE BOTTOM,

LITERALLY -- OL FART, CRAP BOX.>> IN MY DEFENSE, IN MY DEFENSE,

THOSE ARE ALL THINGS I'VE SEENWRITTEN ON THE BACK OF YOGA

PANTS.

CLASS ACT

>> THE DAILY MAIL IS REPORTINGTHAT PAUL ROOF, A PROFESSOR AT

CHARLESTON SOUTHERN UNIVERSITYWAS FIRED BECAUSE OF AN IMAGE OF

THEM USED ON A CAN OF BEER WHICHDOES NOT REFLECT THE SCHOOL'S

CHRISTIAN VALUES.

>> NOW, THE --[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> AS MAYOR OF THE MUNCHKIN CITY--

>> Chris: THE BEER IN QUESTIONIS CALLED CHUCKTOWN FOLLICLE

BROWN, WHICH IS ONLY SLIGHTLYWORSE THAN THEIR FIRST

SUGGESTION, PAUL ROOFY'S SLEEPYTIME BEER.

>> HERE'S A PICTURE HE POSTED ONFACEBOOK.

>> THERE IT IS.

>> COMEDIANS NOW THAT YOU HAD ALOOK AT HIM, I WANT YOU TO NAME

CLASSES YOU THINK PAUL ROOFWOULD TEACH AT A UNIVERSITY.

>> 60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK ANDGO. DANA.

>> WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKENOR THE COPS?

>> Chris: POINTS. GREG.

>> BOO RADLEY WAS GUILTY.

>> FEMINISM: MYTH OR HORSE(BLEEP).

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WAFFLE HOUSE ETIQUETTE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GREG.

>> THE ART OF COUSIN SEDUCTION.

>> Chris: I THINK IT'S JUSTTHIS: YOU WANNA (BLEEP).

>> Chris: POINTS. ALISON

>> SPEAKING 'MERICAN? BECAUSETHIS IS 'MERICA.

>> Chris: POINTS. DANA.

>> ADVANCED BLAMING FARTS ONYOUR DOG.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALISON ROSEN.

>> INTO HOARDING GUNS FOR WHENTHE (BLEEP) GOES DOWN.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS. OFCOURSE.

POINTS. DANA.

>> WHERE TO BEAT OFF IN THELIBRARY.

Loading...