McHale, Blake, Kiley, Kataoka

  • Season 7, Ep 709
  • 01/09/2004

Alexandra McHale recalls a bad bachelorette party, Eric Blake searches for a terrorist, Brian Kiley waits at a wax museum, and Kevin Kataoka worries about Speed Racer.

IT'S NICE TO BE BACK IN

NEW YORK CITY.

MAN, YOU KNOW I LOVE IT HERE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DO.

YEAH.

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY I LOVE IT,

BECAUSE IT'S A VERY OPEN-MINDED

TOWN.

YEAH.

YOU'D NEVER SEE THE KLAN IN

MANHATTAN.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, FOR ONE IMPORTANT REASON,

THE CITY IS SMART.

THEY DON'T BUILD LAWNS TO BURN

THE CROSSES ON.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW COULD THE KLAN OPERATE

IN MANHATTAN?

IT'S BE LIKE, APARTMENT 3?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, THIS IS THE KLAN.

GOT THIS CROSS.

GONNA BURN IT JUST FOR YOU.

CAN YOU BUZZ ME IN?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HURRY UP, I'M AT A METER.

I LOVE BIG CITIES.

I HAD A CHANCE TO GO TO TOKYO A

COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, AND IF YOU

HAVEN'T GONE, YOU'VE GOT TO GO.

IT'S LIKE CRAZY FUN.

BUT ALL MY FRIENDS WERE BUGGING

ME.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE, "WELL,

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BUY?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING BUY?"

I DON'T KNOW, CANDY.

THAT'S ALL I COULD AFFORD.

IT'S JAPAN, THE MOST EXPENSIVE

COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

BUT YOU KNOW THEY'RE GOING

TO HAVE THE CRAZIEST CANDY IN

THE WORLD, RIGHT?

LIKE BARBECUE PORK CHOP CANDY?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DO YOU GET IT OUT OF THE

BOX?

OH, NO, YOU CAN EAT BOX.

[LAUGHTER]

THE COUNTRY'S GREAT.

YOU CAN BUY ANYTHING YOU WANT

THERE, MAN.

MY FAVORITE THING I SAW IN

JAPAN, IT WAS A CLOCK THAT WAS

MADE IN JAPAN.

IT WAS A PLASTIC COW.

IT WAS ABOUT THIS BIG.

AND THE CLOCK WAS ON THE COW'S

BELLY.

AND INSTEAD OF A BUZZER OR A

BELL GOING OFF, THE COW WOULD

GO, "MOOO.

WAKE UP.

DON'T SWEEP YOUR WIFE AWAY."

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T SWEEP MY WIFE AWAY?

WHAT?

"DON'T SWEEP YOUR WIFE AWAY!"

[LAUGHTER]

JUST LIKE THE COW WAS SPEAKING

BROKEN ENGLISH, LIKE THAT WAS

THE COW'S SECOND LANGUAGE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

IT WAS A BIG DAY TODAY.

MY WIFE TOLD ME TODAY THAT I'M

GOING TO BECOME A FATHER FOR THE

VERY FIRST TIME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THANKS.

THE BAD NEWS IS, WE ALREADY HAVE

TWO KIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

BUT, UM...

KIDS WILL SURPRISE YOU.

THE OTHER DAY MY LITTLE BOY

TALKED BACK TO MY WIFE.

SHE TOLD HIM TO DO SOMETHING.

HE SAID, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO."

SO I HAD TO PULL HIM ASIDE

AND SAY, "LISTEN, YOU'VE GOT

TO TEACH ME HOW TO DO THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW MY BROTHER AND I,

OUR BIRTHDAYS ARE ABOUT A WEEK

APART AND I REMEMBER WHEN WE

TURNED 14 AND 16, FOR OUR

BIRTHDAY PARTY, MY DAD HIRED

A CLOWN.

NOT TO ENTERTAIN US, BUT JUST

TO SHOW US WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

TO US IF WE DIDN'T STUDY HARD

AND GO TO COLLEGE.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS COULD BE YOU.

SO...

YEAH.

MY PARENTS ARE FUNNY.

MY DAD IS 11 YEARS OLDER THAN

MY MOTHER.

THEY WERE HIGH SCHOOL

SWEETHEARTS.

[LAUGHTER]

KIND OF A BAD STUDENT.

MY DAD'S AN INTERESTING GUY.

MY DAD FOUGHT IN WORD WAR II

AND HE NEVER TALKS ABOUT IT,

OF COURSE, 'CAUSE HE'S JAPANESE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

HE'S A SORE LOSER, MY DAD.

YOU CAN SAY THAT.

SOMETIMES I'M JUST NOT PAYING

Alexandra McHale: HELLO,

AUDIENCE, HOW ARE YOU?

EXCELLENT.

OH, I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.

I'M HAPPY TO BE ANYWHERE BUT MY

APARTMENT THESE DAYS.

I HAVE A ROOMMATE.

YEAH.

HER NAME IS KATHY.

SHE'S PETITE.

[LAUGHTER]

PETITE IS THE FRENCH WORD FOR

"WHORE".

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S ONE OF THOSE GIRLS

WHO'S SO, SO TINY.

SHE CAME OUT OF MY ROOM THE

OTHER DAY AND SHE SAID,

"CAN I BORROW THIS TUBE TOP?"

I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S MY

SCRUNCHY."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

SHE'S ALSO ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

WHO WANTS TO SPLIT EVERYTHING

ALL THE TIME.

EVERYONE HAS FRIENDS LIKE THIS,

RIGHT?

"OH, MY GOD, SPLIT THIS BURGER

WITH ME.

SPLIT THIS DONUT WITH ME.

SPLIT THESE FRIES WITH ME.

WITH ME, WITH ME."

IT'S AN M&M, EAT IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M ALSO FEELING VERY, VERY

WEIGHT CONSCIOUS RECENTLY.

I STARTED DATING THIS GUY THAT

I'VE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME

AND I THOUGHT, OH, THIS IS GOING

TO BE SO GREAT.

WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR AWHILE.

UNTIL HE GAVE ME WHAT HE THOUGHT

WAS A COMPLIMENT.

HE SAID, YEAH, "EVEN THOUGH

YOU USED TO BE WAFER THIN,

AND YOU'RE NOT ANYMORE, I'M

STILL JUST AS ATTRACTED TO YOU."

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

OH, YEAH, I KNOW.

HE'S A REAL SMOOTH TALKER.

[LAUGHTER]

SO NATURALLY I'M UPSET ABOUT

THIS.

I CALL MY BEST FRIEND, CARLA,

AND SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT IS SUCH CRAP.

BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE

NEVER BEEN WAFER THIN."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M AT THAT AGE RIGHT NOW WHERE

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING

MARRIED AND I'M JUST GETTING

DRUNK.

WENT TO A BACHELORETTE PARTY

RECENTLY.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE BRIDE

WHO'S GETTING MARRIED.

I KNEW THE GROOM, BUT I FIGURE

I'LL GO ANYWAY.

A COUPLE OF BREWSKIES WITH

THE GIRLS RIGHT, KICKING BACK.

IT'LL BE GREAT.

NO.

I GET THERE AND IT'S LIKE

KAPPA, KAPPA, ZETA, ALPHA PI.

AHHHA!

[LAUGHTER]

LOTS OF TEENY, TINY GIRLS,

LOTS OF STRAIGHT, SHINY HAIR,

DRINKING OH, SUCH PRETTY PINK

DRINKS.

LIKE METROPOLITAN, COSMOPOLITAN,

BAY BREEZE, SEA BREEZE,

WATERMELON FREEZE.

BASICALLY, IF IT'S PINK,

WE ARE GOING TO DRINK IT, YEAH.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I WOULD LIKE A JACK DANIELS

STRAIGHT UP.

YEAH.

I AM COMING FROM WORK.

YEAH.

EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE COMING

FROM GETTING THEIR BOOBIES DONE.

IT'S GREAT, YEAH.

SO I'M STARTING TO STRESS OUT

OVER WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR

TO THIS WHOLE BIG WEDDING

EXTRAVAGANZA.

AND I FIGURE I'LL GO RIGHT

TO THE TOP.

I'LL GO TO THE MAID OF HONOR.

SO I TURN TO HER AND I SAY,

"SO THE WEDDING, IS IT DRESSY?"

AND SHE SAYS, "WELL, IT'S NOT

LIKE DRESSY, DRESSY, BUT IT'S

DRESSY."

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU SO MUCH, BRITENY.

THAT IS SO HELPFUL.

WOMEN DO THIS ALL THE TIME.

WE ALL DO IT, THIS DOUBLE WORD

THING, RIGHT?

NO, I DON'T LIKE HIM, LIKE HIM.

BUT I LIKE HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MY GOD, I DIDN'T KISS HIM,

KISS HIM.

BUT I KISSED HIM.

SO WHEN SHE TURNED TO ME AND

SHE SAID, "HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE BRIDE,

THAT MUST MEAN THAT YOU KNOW

THE GROOM."

I SAID, "WELL, I DON'T JUST

KNOW HIM, I KNOW HIM, KNOW HIM."

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A WONDERFUL

IT'S ALL DIFFERENT, MAN,

WE AT WAR.

I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHO WE AIN'T

FIGHTING.

DAMN, WE...

I WASN'T AGAINST THE FIRST WAR,

BUT I WAS AGAINST PAYING $2.50

A GALLON FOR GAS, TOO,

SO SOMEBODY HAD TO GET BLEW UP.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

I NEED TO BE ABLE TO FILL UP.

I CAN'T...

THE NEWS IS GEEKING YOU UP, MAN.

IT WAS REALLY DOING LIKE--

THEY'RE HAVING A SHOCK AND AWE

CAMPAIGN.

AND THEY WAS DROPPING BOMBS

ON BAGHDAD.

AND YOU KNOW THE BOMBS THEY WERE

DROPPING COST MORE THAN THE

(BLEEP) IT WAS HITTING.

YOU SEE THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

WE AIN'T EVEN FOUND BIN LADEN

YET.

WE DON'T NEVER FIND NO (BLEEP)

DAMN BODY.

[LAUGHTER]

WE DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.

EVERY TIME I SEE THE MOTHER

[BLEEP], HE'S ON CNN.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

HE'S RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S AT.

HE'S RIGHT THERE ON CHANNEL 12,

THAT'S WHERE HE AT.

[LAUGHTER]

HE GOT MORE VIDEOS OUT THAT

TUPAC.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT,

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE IN

CALIFORNIA AND YOU THINK ABOUT

NEW YORK, RIGHT OFF YOU THINK

ABOUT THE MOB.

YOU THINK ABOUT THE MOB AND WHEN

THE MOB WANTS TO TAKE SOMEBODY

OUT, THEY TAKE THAT GUY OUT.

THAT'S IT.

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE.

ORGANIZED CRIME.

IN SOUTH CENTRAL, WE GOT

UNORGANIZED CRIME.

[LAUGHTER]

[SOUND OF RAPID GUNFIRE]

DID YOU GET 'EM?

I GOT SOMEBODY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS

THE OTHER DAY, RIGHT, AND THIS

WAS SO FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE I SAW

THIS ARAB GUY ON THE NEWS.

HE WAS CLAIMING THAT HE WAS

BEING RACIALLY PROFILED.

HE'S LIKE "I'M BEING RACIALLY

PROFILED.

PEOPLE ARE STARING AT ME IN

AIRPORTS, MY FRIEND."

I WAS GOING YOU LOOK LIKE

BIN LADEN.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT?

[LAUGHTER]

TAKE OFF THE TURBAN.

SHAVE THE BEARD.

YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A MEXICAN.

YOU'LL GET A JOB AT THE AIRPORT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THINK ABOUT IT.

BIN LADEN IS WORTH $25 MILLION,

Y'ALL.

$25 MILLION.

DEAD OR ALIVE.

WELL, Y'ALL SEE THESE PEOPLE IN

THE AIRPORT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL

STARING AT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT Y'ALL LOOKING

FOR, BUT I'M LOOKING FOR

BIN LADEN.

IS THAT HIM?

QUIT PLAYING, DAWG.

IS THAT HIM?

FOR $25 MILLION, THEY'RE LUCKY

WE'RE NOT SNATCHING THEM UP

OFF THE STREETS.

IS THIS HIM?

IS THIS HIM?

WHAT ABOUT HIM RIGHT HERE,

IS THIS HIM?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

OUR COURT SYSTEMS IS GETTING

CRAZY.

YOU EVER NOTICED THAT?

LAWS ARE CHANGING.

IT'S GETTING REAL CRAZY.

DID YOU KNOW IN CALIFORNIA

IF YOU GET CAUGHT WITH A GUN,

IT'S 10 YEARS FOR THE GUN

AND A YEAR FOR EACH BULLET.

IT'S CHEAPER TO STAB 'EM THESE

DAYS.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU GET CAUGHT WITH CRACK

COCAINE, IT'S A YEAR FOR EACH

GRAM.

GO TO COURT.

GET CAUGHT WITH SOME CRACK.

WATCH THE JUDGE.

HE'LL WHIP OUT A SCALE AND

WHIP OUT A TRIPLE BEAM WEIGHING

OUT YOUR TIME.

HOW MANY OUNCES?

FIVE?

LET'S SEE.

THAT'S 28 GRAMS PER OUNCE.

GIVE HIM 140 YEARS.

[LAUGHTER]

I SAW THE JUDGE ACTUALLY

SENTENCE SOMEBODY TO 140 YEARS.

THIS GUY TOLD THE JUDGE,

"MAN, I CAN'T DO 140 YEARS."

[LAUGHTER]

THE JUDGE SAID, "DO WHAT

YOU CAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT

SOMETIMES THINGS ARE REALLY

RAUNCHY.

SHE HAD AN UNCLE THAT WAS IN.

THAT HAPPENED TO MY UNCLE.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH,

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE THE PRISON SYSTEM

IS A BIG PROFIT NOW.

THEY CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY OFF

OF SENDING PEOPLE TO JAIL THESE

DAYS.

RIGHT?

BECAUSE IT'S LIKE PRISON FOR

WORK CAMPS AND THINGS LIKE THAT,

YOU KNOW?

AND DID ANYBODY KNOW THAT THREE

OF THE BIGGEST TENNIS SHOE

COMPANIES HAS INVESTED IN THE

PRISON SYSTEMS NOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT?

PRISON COMMERCIALS.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU SEE SOME OF THE BROTHERS

IN THERE DOING SHOE COMMERCIALS

LIVE FROM JAIL?

IF I HAD HAD THESE ON, DAWG...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'D HAD GOT AWAY.

I'M ERIC BLAKE.

AND NOW, SPEED RACER IN THE

MOVIE JESUS OF NAZARETH.

"JESUS OF NAZARETH, I SENTENCE

YOU DIE TO DIE ON THE CROSS."

"HUH?"

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S UP WITH SPEED RACER.

HE'S KIND OF A NERVOUS GUY,

RIGHT?

I DON'T THINK HE SHOULD BE

RACING CARS ANYMORE.

"BIG RACE TOMORROW, SPEED."

"HUH?"

"HEY, YOUR FRIEND'S A

CHIMPANZEE."

"YIKES!"

HE'S JUST NERVOUS AND OUT OF

BREATH ALL THE TIME.

JUST RUNNING.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE, DUDE, YOU'RE PEELING

AN ORANGE.

CITRUS.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK HE WAS CALLED SPEED

BECAUSE HE WAS ON IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I AM PATHETIC WHEN I WATCH

TELEVISION.

I'M LIKE THE WORST.

I ACTUALLY CAUGHT MYSELF WEARING

THIS IN MY APARTMENT WATCHING

TELEVISION.

BLACK SOCKS, BOXER SHORTS, AND

THE UNDERWEAR TANK TOP SHIRT.

YEAH.

WHICH EVERYBODY CALLS THE

"WIFE BEATER SHIRT".

WHY DOES EVERYBODY KNOW THAT?

HOW COMES EVERYBODY KNOWS IT AS

THE WIFE BEATER?

BUT I GUESS IT MAKES SENSE.

YOU HAVE THE CREW NECK,

THE V-NECK, THE WIFE BEATER.

THEY SHOULD HAVE SPECIAL

MANIKINS AT THE DEPARTMENT

STORE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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