CC Presents: Jo Koy

  • Season 12, Ep 3
  • 01/17/2008

Jo Koy illuminates the Filipino-American alphabet and the delicate art of raising an insane child.

[CHUCKLES]

AH... ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVEI GOT THE NICEST NEW YORKERSHERE IN THIS THEATER.

- WOW, THAT'S A--- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT USED TO IT.I'M FROM L.A.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IN NEW YORKPEOPLE ARE JUST RUDE.THEY DON'T CARE.

ASK FOR THE TIME-- I'M LIKE,"HEY, WHAT TIME IS IT?" "WHAT?

HUH...?"

YEAH, L.A. THEY DON'T CARE.THEY'RE JUST A BUNCH OF--

YOU KNOW,WE'RE PHONY OUT THERE.

PEOPLE LIE TO YOU.THEY DON'T CARE. LIE TO YOU.

"WHAT DO YOU DO?""I'M AN ACTRESS. HUM."

[LAUGHTER]

[Giggles] "I'M AN AC-TRESS."I'M AN AC-TRESS."

AND THAT'S A DUDE SAYING THAT.IT'S LIKE, "YO--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHY DON'T YOU GET--WHY DON'T YOU GET ME SOME FRIES.

WHY DON'T YOU LIKE A WAITERAND GET ME SOME FRIES, MAN."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HOW CAN YOU TAKE L.A. SERIOUSTHOUGH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

OUR GOVERNOR IS ARNOLD.I MEAN, COME-- SERIOUSLY.

THAT OUR-- "AGA AGA AGG."THAT'S OUR GOVERNOR.

"WE GAH UH-UH AGG."

HOW CAN YOUTAKE THAT SERIOUS? HE GO,"WE GAH HE DAH AHH EE AHH."

HE'S REALLYSAYING SOMETHING THERE."DAH WE GAH DAH GAH

- AH EH AHH AHH."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS TALKINGABOUT THE BOR-- "WE GONNA BE

AT THE BORDAH. THE MEXICANSDON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH."

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT USED TO IT, MAN. PEOPLEARE QUICK TO FIGHT OUT HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S LIKE,"YOU GOT A PROBLEM?!"

IT'S LIKE, "NAH,I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE

"THE GROCERY STORE IS, SORRY.

- SORRY LADY."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PLUS, I CAN'T FIGHT, DUDE. I'M--I'M A-- I'M A BITCH. I--

I'M A BITCH, DUDE.I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO STAND

AT THE BEGINNING OF THE FIGHT.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE WHEN THEY'RE YELLING AT YOUI JUST-- "[Whimpers]"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A BITCH DUDE. I AM SUCH A--I CAN'T FIGHT, DUDE.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT,HERE'S THE THING,

DON'T TAKE SELF-DEFENSE CLASSES.DON'T BUY A GUN.

DON'T DO ANY OF IT. JUST SCREAM.WHO'S GONNA FIGHT A GUY

SCREAMING ATTHE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.

LIKE RIGHT WHEN HE'S ABOUTTO PUNCH YOU JUST, "NO! AHHH!

OHHH! STOP IT!STOP! OH-AHHH! AHHH!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

WHO'S GONNA FIGHT A GUYSCREAMING LIKE A BITCH?

I'LL PULL MY PANTS DOWNAND START PEEING,

"OH-AHHH, OH-AHHH!

- STOP IT!"- [LAUGHTER]

I AM A BITCH, DUDE.I DON'T CARE.

YOU GUYS ARE LAUGHING.BUT YOU'RETHINKING TO YOURSELF,

- "THAT MIGHT WORK."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WISH WE COULD FIGHTLIKE MONKEYS, MAN.

WHEN MONKEYS GET MADTHEY CRAP IN THEIR HAND

AND THEY THROW IT.HOW COOL IS THAT.

WHO'S GONNA FIGHT A GUYWITH A LUMP OF CRAP IN HIS HAND?

THINK ABOUT IT. THE FIGHTWILL STOP RIGHT WHEN IT BEGINS,

IT'S LIKE, "ARE YOU SUREYOU WANT TO DO THIS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A LOT OF CORN.I'LL THROW--

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

NO ONE'S GONNAFIGHT A GUY WITH A LUMPOF CRAP IN HIS HAND.

EVEN A GUY WITH A GUNWILL BE LIKE, "HEY,

PUT THAT CRAP DOWN.PUT THE CRAP DOWN."

- "NO! I'LL THROW IT."- [LAUGHTER]

I'M SUCH A BITCH WHEN I WALK TOMY CAR I PUT MY KEYS-- [Giggles]

I PUT MY KEYS IN MY FIST LIKE...I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THIS WORKS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- LIKE, "GIVE ME YOUR CAR." "NO.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- NOOO!"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ONE TIME I PUT ALL MY KEYS,I'M LIKE-- "I'M A WOLVERINE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M ACTUALLY FILIPINO.THAT'S WHAT I AM, I'M FILIPINO.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES,LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- THAT'S MY MOM.- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I'M FILIPINO-- DON'T CLAP.THAT'S MY MOM.

MY MOM'S FILIPINO.THE CRAZY THING ABOUT

FILIPINO'S, WE'RE ASIANS.WE JUST LOOK MEXICAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?WE LOOK MEXICAN.

BUT THE WAY YOU CAN TELLIS JUST OUR P'S AND OUR F'S.

LIKE MY MOM'S BEEN LIVINGIN THIS COUNTRY FOR 36 YEARS,

SHE STILL CAN'T GETHER P'S AND HER F'S RIGHTTO SAVE HER LIFE.

SHE CAN SAY 'EMJUST AT THE WRONG TIME.

LIKE GROWING UPSHE'D BE LIKE, "JOSEP?

JOSEP, DO YOU WANTBREAKPAST?HUH, HUH, JOSEP,

DO YOU WANT BREAKPAST?"AND SHE'D ALWAYS DO THIS DIP.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERETHIS DIP-- "JOSEP." "WHAT?""DO YOU WANT BREAKPAST?

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

"HUH, JOSEP,DO YOU WANT BREAKPAST?

DO YOU WANT SOME PROSTED PLAKES, JOSEP?"

YOU HEAR THAT ALL YOUR LIFE.YOU'RE LIKE,

"WHAT THE [BLEEP]ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN TALENT SHOWS.

THAT'S WHYI'M DOING THIS STUFF.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

SHE PUT ME IN TALENT--IT WAS THE WORST, MAN.

SHE ALWAYS PUT MEIN TALENT SHOWS

'CAUSE EVERYONEIN MY FAMILY SANG.

I HAD AN UNCLE THAT SANG.EVERYBODY SANG.

THEN MY MOMWOULD PUT MY SISTER AND IIN THESE TALENT SHOWS.

MY SISTER CAN SING.ME, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

I WOULD JUST BE BEHIND HERDOING THE ROBOT.

MY MOM WOULD BE LIKE,"BREAK DOWN, JOSEP."

- I'M LIKE "I HATE HER.- [LAUGHTER AND AWE's]

- I...HATE...HER!"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ONE TIME SHE WAS LIKE, "JOSEP, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOUA SECOND. COME HERE.

- COME HERE, JOSEP."- [LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE 13. SHE'S LIKE, "JOSEP, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT SOMETHING.""WHAT IS IT, MOM?"

"WELL, IT'S JUST THAT EVERYBODYIN THE FAMILY HAS TALENT;

"AH, YOUR UNCLE, HE HAS TALENT,AH, YOUR SISTER HAS A TALENT,

"AH, BUT YOU-- YOU DON'T...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY TAL--"YOU JUST DO THE...

"WHAT IS THAT? I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THAT IS, JOSEP.

YOU JUST KEEP BREAKING DOWN.I DON'T--"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS LIKE 13,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, AND AH--

THIS IS WHEN MY MOM FOUND OUTI HAD SOME KIND OF TALENT.

LIKE I WASTAKING A SHOWER, OKAY,AND WHEN YOU'RE 13

YOU DON'T REALLY TAKE A SHOWER,YOU KIND OF LIKE--

I MEAN, YOU'RE WASHING STUFF,BUT IT'S USUALLY LIKE

RIGHT AROUNDTHIS AREA, RIGHT HERE.

I MEAN, WHEN YOU'RE 13,THAT IS ALL YOU WASH FOR ABOUT

- 45 MINUTES, YOU KNOW.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND MY MOM'S LIKE,"WOW, "HE HAS BEEN IN THEREFOR A LONG TIME.

- "I HOPE HE'S OKAY.- [LAUGHTER]

"MAYBE I SHOULD CHECK ON HIM,

SEE IF HE'S HURT OR SOMETHING."

AND SHE OPENS THE DOORAND CATCHES ME GOING AT IT.

AND SHE'S LIKE,"OH MY GOD, JOSEP!

"VUT DOWN YOUR VENUS!

"VUT IT DOWN!YOU'RE GOING TO GO BLIND!"

SO, I'M 13 ANDI DIDN'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT,

SO I HAD TO PLAY IT OFF.LIKE WHEN I WAS A KID

MICHAEL JACKSONWAS LIKE THE BIG THING.

LIKE EVERYONE WAS DANCING LIKE--AND I WAS LIKE, "NO,

- I'M DOING MICHAEL JACKSON."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND MY MOM WAS LIKE, "OH MY GOD,THAT'S TALENT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE I'VE GOT ATHREE YEAR OLD SON.

IT'S LIKE LIVING WITHA CRAZY MIDGET.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?I SEE WHERE MY MOM'S COMING FROM

'CAUSE I'M LOOKING FORTALENT NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,'CAUSE HE'S CRAZY,

THREE YEAR-OLDS ARE CRAZY.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

CRAZY PEOPLETALK TO THEMSELVES.

CRAZY PEOPLELAUGH AT THEIR OWN JOKES.

CRAZY PEOPLEPOOP ON THEMSELVES.THAT'S MY SON.

I'M JUST WATCHING TV.HE'LL COME RUNNING IN THE ROOM,

"DADDY, DADDY,I GOT ALL THE OVER THERE;I GOT A POWER RANGER.

"AND THEN HE SAT ON THIS THINGAND THEN HE GO

"'DAH-DAH-DAH, DAH-DAH-DAH!'

"DADDY, B, C, D, L, M, N, O--

SEVEN! DADDY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

I'M LIKE,"WHERE THE HELL IS HIS HELMET?"

IT'S CRAZY. IF YOU GOT ATHREE YEAR-OLD, GET 'EM BACK.

ALL RIGHT, I CAN'T WAITFOR MY SON TO TURN 16.

I'M GONNA DOTHE SAME THING TO HIM.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

WHEN HE COMES HOMEWITH HIS FRIENDS, BE LIKE,

"HEY DAD, CAN I BORROWTHE KEYS TO THE CAR?"

- "I GOT TO ORDER GOGOOOR!"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HIS FRIENDS ARE GONNA BE LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL'SWRONG WITH YOUR DAD?

AND WHY IS HE WEARINGTHAT HELMET?"

- YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?- [WOMEN CHEERING & APPLAUDING]

IT'S A PROVEN FACT;GIRLS ARE SMARTER THAN BOYS,THE REASON WHY IS,

I GOT A FRIEND THAT HAD ADAUGHTER THE SAME TIME I DID

BUT SHE'S BEENTALKING FOR TWO YEARS NOW,

ARTICULATE, TOO. LIKE,"MOMMY, CAN I HAVE A SAND-WICH."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WOW.THERE'S A 'D' IN 'SANDWICH'?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND EVERY TIME WE GO OVER THERESHE SHOWS OFF.

"MOMMY, CAN WE GO UPSTAIRSAND PLAY WITH MY TOYS?

"MOMMY, LITTLE JOEWANTS TO GO OUTSIDE

"AND SWING ON MY SWINGS.MOMMY, LITTLE JOE'S HUNGRY.

CAN WE GET SOMETHING TO EAT,MOMMY?" AND SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH,

WE CAN GET SOMETHING TO EAT."BUT WHAT DOES LITTLE JOE WANT,

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO EAT,LITTLE JOE?"

"I WANT APEANUT DUTTER GOODA-SADAY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE WANTS A SANDWICH.

WHERE-- WHERE'S HIS HELMET?IT'S AROUND HERE.

I BUY THIS KID EVERY TOYIN THE BOOK, EVERY TOY.

EVERY TOY YOU CAN THINK OFI BOUGHT IT FOR HIM.

GUESS WHAT HE PLAYS WITHTHE MOST? HIS PENIS,

HE CAN'T STOP PLAYING WITHHIS PENIS. IT'S THE BEST THOUGH.

HE CAN'T WAIT.AND HE PULLS IT OUT AND SAYS,"DADDY, LOOK AT MY TING TING."

HE CAN'T TALK BUTHE NAMED IT HIS "TING TING."

"DADDY." "WHAT?""TING TING, DADDY! DADDY."

- "WHAT?" "TING TING!- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- DADDY." "WHAT?"- [Deep Voice] "TING TING."

[LAUGHTER]

HIS FAVORITE TOY ISTHOMAS THE TRAIN.

HIS FAVORITE TRAIN ISPERCY THE TRAIN.

GUESS WHAT HE CALLS IT, "PUSHY."

"PUSHY, PUSHY, PUSHY, PUSHY,DADDY, I WANT PUSHY."

AND I KNOW YOU GUYSARE THINKING TO YOURSELF,

"OH, BIG DEAL IT'S JUST PUSHY."

BUT JUST IMAGINE MEPUSHING HIM IN A SHOPPING CART

AT TOYS-R-US, HE'S YELLING,"PUSHY, PUSHY, PUSHY, PUSHY,"

WHILE HE'S TUGGINGON HIS TING TING...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TRY EXPLAINING THAT TO SECURITYFOR A HALF-HOUR.

ARE THE TOUGHESTCREATURES ON EARTH,

TOUGHER THEN MEN, HANDS DOWN,YOU GUYS ARE TOUGHER THAN MEN,

YOU GUYS HAVE BABIES,YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT.

AND SEE THERE'SMEN IN HERE LIKE,

[Deep Voice] "OH,WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,THEY AIN'T TOUGHER THAN ME.

I USED TO PLAY FOOTBALL.THAT'S TOUGH, FOOTBALL."

YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH'CAUSE YOU CATCH A FOOTBALL?

THAT AIN'T TOUGH.

LET A FOOTBALLCOME OUT OF YOUR ASS.THAT'S TOUGH.

SIT IN THE DELIVERY ROOM.HAVING A BABY, ARE YOU SERI--

NO ONE CAN TOP A BABY.ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I WENT IN TOUGH.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I WENT IN. I HAD A HATTHAT SAID, "COACH."

I WENT IN TOUGH. I WAS LIKE,"OH YEAH, PUSH, PUSH."

I SAID STUFF LIKE"WE CAN DO IT."

I AIN'T DOING CRAP."PUSH, PUSH!"

AND THEN THIS HEADSTARTS TO POP OUT.

I DON'T CARE HOW TOUGH YOU ARE.ONCE THAT HEAD POPS OUT

YOU TURN INTO THE BIGGEST BITCHIN THE DELIVERY ROOM.

"PUSH, PUSH,OKAY, HERE HE COMES. HERE HE--

- OKAY, PUSH-- OH MY GOD, AH--- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, PUSH! OH MY GOD, PUSH!SHE'S GONNA DIE, OH!

OH! PUSH, BLAH! BLAH!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

8 POUNDS, 6 OUNCES,8 POUNDS, 6 OUNCES.

AND HERE'S THE THING ABOUT GUYS.YOU SEE YOUR BABY COMING,

8 POUNDS, 6 OUNCES.YOU SEE HOW BIG IT GETS.WE DON'T GO,

"OH, HERE COMES MY SON."OR, "HERE COMES MY DAUGHTER."

WE DON'T THINK LIKE THAT.WE SEE HOW BIG IT GETS.

WE'RE LIKE, "MAN, SHE LIED."RIGHT, YOU KNOW, HOW MANY TIMES

"SHE'S STOPPED MEIN THE MIDDLE AND SAID,

"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE HURTING ME."SHUT-- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING--

THERE'S NO MOVE I CAN DO TO TOP8 POUNDS, 6 OUNCES.

THERE'S-- WHAT? I CAN START FROMTHE BACK OF THE ROOM, AHHH!

SHE'S NOT GONNA FEEL--8 POUNDS, 6 OUNCES.

YOU CAN'T TOP8 POUNDS, 6 OUNCES.

THERE'S NOTHING A GUY CAN DOTO TOP 8 POUNDS, 6 OUNCES.

SHE WON.THERE'S NOTHING.8 POUNDS-- OKAY,

THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKED LIKERIGHT HERE, 8 POUNDS, 6 OUNCES.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THAT?ME INSIDE THAT IS LIKE

- A FLASHLIGHT IN A CAVE.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE A LITTLE BOY, MAN, I MEAN,THE CRAZY THING ABOUT HAVING

A SON OR JUST HAVING A KIDIS THEY CAN CRY FOR ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?THEY'LL CRY FOR ANYTHING.

LIKE IT COULD BETHE SMALLEST THING

AND THEY'LL CRY LIKESOMEONE JUST DIED IN THE FAMILY.

YOU KNOW THEY DON'T CARE.AND THEY'LL DO IT ANYWHERE,

AT THE MALL. THEY DON'T CARE.THEY DON'T CARE THAT

PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT YOUAND YOU'RE BEING A GOOD DAD

'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANTTO GIVE THEM A COOKIE

'CAUSE HE HASN'T HAD LUNCH YET.HE'LL CRY. HE DOESN'T CARE.

"DADDY, CAN I HAVE A COOKIE?""NO, YOU HAVEN'T HAD LUNCH YET."

[Gasping, Panting]"I WANT COOKIE, DADDY.

I WANT COOKIE, DADDY! I--!"AND THEN HE'LL PAUSE.

AND YOU THINK HE'S DONE CRYING,BUT HE'S NOT. HE'S JUST

BUILDING UP MORE AIR TO THROWTHIS BIGGER YELL AT YOU LIKE

"[Inhales] AH, AHHH![Pause, Building Up Air]

- I WANNA GO NOW!"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE ARE WALKING BY LIKE,"GET HIM A COOKIE!

IT'S BAD ENOUGHHE'S WEARING A HELMET."

THAT'S SOMETHINGWE SHOULD NEVER GROW OUT OF.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?LIKE HE GOT THE COOKIE. HE WON.

YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD ALWAYSCRY FOR STUFF WE WANT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IF YOU'REIN BED AND YOU WANT SEX

AND SHE WON'T GIVE IT TO YOULIKE, "CAN WE DO IT TONIGHT?"

"AH, NOT TONIGHT,I'M KINDA TIRED."

[Gasping, Panting] AHHH!

- AHHH!- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AHHH!

YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE GONNA BELIKE, "JUST HAVE SEX WITH HIM!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

I MEAN THAT FROM THEBOTTOM OF MY HEART TOO, MAN.HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

WHEN YOU HAVE A KID YOU JUST--MAN, IT'S LIKE WOW.

THAT DESERVES A DAY.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE I KNOW THERE'SGUYS IN HERE LIKE,

"AH, WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT.FATHER'S DAY JUST PASSED."

NO, THAT DOESN'T DESERVE A DAY.MOTHER'S DAY DESERVES A DAY.

THAT'S THE DAY A WOMAN,BECAME A MOM.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S WHEN SOME DUDEWALKED OUT OF HER.

LIKE SHE DESERVESA NECKLACE, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S A DAY, MOTHER'S DAY.FATHER'S DAY,

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,THAT DOESN'T DESERVE A DAY.

FATHER'S DAY IS JUST A DAYTHAT A BUNCH OF GUYS

WALKED AROUND WAS LIKE,"WHAT ABOUT US,

WE DESERVE A DAY."YOU HAD YOUR DAY.

YOU HAD YOUR FATHER'S DAY.IT WAS THAT DAY

YOU MADE LOVE TO HER ANDSHE LOOKED AT YOU AND SHE WENT,

"GO AHEAD AND LEAVE [BLEEP]."YOU WENT-- "OH DOH, OH, DOH--"

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!"AH, DOH...!"

REMEMBER HOW HAPPYYOU WERE THAT DAY.

- SOME OF US FARTED, OOH.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DESERVES THAT DAY, MAN.

EVERYTHING ABOUT THE WOMAN

IS JUST BEAUTIFUL.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I LOVE EVERYTHINGABOUT THE WOMAN.

LIKE YOU CAN TELLGOD TOOK HIS TIME WHENHE MADE THE WOMAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?LIKE HE JUST... YOU COULD TELL.

WOMEN ARE A WORK OF ART,ESPECIALLY THE-- THE VAGINA.

IT'S JUST-- IT'S PERFECTION.LIKE YOU CAN JUST TELL

- HE WAS IN HEAVEN JUST--- [LAUGHTER]

LIKE HE HAD A BERET ONAND HE WAS JUST--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST GOING AT--AND JESUS WAS BEHIND GOING,

"YEAH DADDY, YEAH!LOOK AT MY TING TING, DADDY!"

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

AND GOD WAS LIKE, "CALM DOWN.

- JESUS CHRIST."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PENIS.WAS GOD IN A RUSH THAT DAY?

WAS HE OUTTA TIME? THE PENIS ISTHE UGLIEST THING IN THE WORLD.

IT'S LIKEHE HAD A HANDFUL OF CLAYAND THEY WERE LIKE,

"HEY GOD, WE NEED SOMETHINGFOR THE DUDES QUICK."

- HE WAS LIKE-- "DAH, I--"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE PENISIS THE UGLIEST THINGIN THE WORLD.

THE VAGINA MAKES AN ENT--WHEN YOU PULL THE PANTIES DOWNIT MAKES AN ENTRANCE LIKE,

[Southern Drawl] "OOH HI.WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN?"

THE PENIS,YOU PULL THE UNDERWEAR DOWN

IT'S LIKE A DRUNK FRIENDFALLING OUT OF A CAR JUST--

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S MY TIME,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.I'M JO KOY.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL PRODUCTIONS.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Serviceswww.mCCaption.com

Loading...