Extended - Thursday, February 5, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 02/05/2015

Jemaine Clement, Taika Waititi and Mike Phirman list redneck feats, describe the #GrammysIn5Words and write strange Internet confessions on this extended, uncensored episode.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)HAFTHOR BJORNSSON THOR IS THE

ACTOR WHO PLAYED THEHEAD-CRUSHING VILLAIN THE

MOUNTAIN ON "GAME OF THRONES."

WE DIDN'T HAVE A STOCK PHOTO OFHIM, SO HERE'S AN IKEA BOOKCASE

WITH A SIMILAR-SOUNDING NAME.

(LAUGHTER)OKAY, NOW, DON'T GET UPSET.

>> WE JUST...

>> HARDWICK: I...

HE RECENTLY BROKE ATHOUSAND-YEAR-OLD VIKING RECORD

WHEN HE CARRIED A 1,400-POUNDLOG FIVE STEPS.

NOW I WANT YOU TO GET READY.

THIS IS THE MOST EXCITINGFOOTAGE OF A MAN WALKING WITH A

LOG THAT YOU'LL SEE ALL DAY.

(LAUGHTER)TAKE A LOOK.

(PEOPLE CHEERING AND YELLING)(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)ALL RIGHT, SECOND MOST EXCITING.

COMEDIANS, BASED ON THISFOOTAGE, WHAT RECORD WILL THE

MOUNTAIN BREAK NEXT? JEMAINE.

>> I THINK HE'LL GET MOSTTRANSPARENT COMPENSATION FOR

HAVING A VERY SMALL PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I THINK HE WILL.

POINTS. WHAT?

>> THIS WILL BE EDITED OUT OFTHE SHOW?

>> HARDWICK: NO, THAT'S GONNABE...

I'M-I'M...

WE'RE GONNA LEAVE THAT IN, ANDWE'RE GONNA LEAVE YOU ASKING IF

IT'S GONNA BE EDITED OUT IN, ASWELL.

>> JEMAINE'S FUNERAL'S GONNAHAVE ONE PALLBEARER DOING THIS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS FOR MIKEPHIRMAN.

UH, TAIKA.

>> I'VE ACTUALLY SEEN THE RESTOF THE FOOTAGE, AND WHAT HAPPENS

DIRECTLY AFTER THIS IS, UM, HETAKES OFF HIS BELT, AND EVERY

ORGAN IN HIS BODY JUST FALLS OUTOF HIS BOTTOM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> JUST...

>> HARDWICK: ALL THE WAY OUT.

>> SO I'D SAY, UM, BLOODIESTHERNIA.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, PERFECT.

POINTS FOR THAT. MIKE PHIRMAN.

>> LONG DISTANCE PROLAPSE?

IS THAT...?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, I THINK SO.

POINTS.

YEAH, IT STARTS ALL THE WAY ATTHE BACK, AND ALL THE WAY.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: UH, MOVING ON.

GUYS, FACEBOOK ISN'T JUST ANENDLESS SEA OF BABY PHOTOS AND

PRIVACY HOAXES, IT'S ALSO APLAYGROUND FOR CREEPS.

MOTO RIDER ASHLEY FEINBERGPOSTED "THE CREEPIEST THINGS YOU

CAN DO ON FACEBOOK" WITHCREEP-FUL SUGGESTIONS LIKE--

TAG YOURSELF IN SOMEONE ELSE'SENGAGEMENT PHOTO.

(LAUGHTER)IT SAYS... THERE'S ASHLEY, BUT

THAT'S BRIANNA'S ENGAGEMENTPHOTO!

BRIANNA WAS PISSED!

(LAUGHTER)BRIANNA WAS SO MAD SHE COULDN'T

EVEN, AFTER THIS.

UH, THE OTHER THING YOU CAN DOIS POKE SOMEONE ELSE'S GRANDMA,

WHICH IS WEIRD, UNLESS YOU LIKEHAVING THE WORDS "GRANDMA" AND

"POKE" TOGETHER IN A SENTENCE.

NOW, THESE ARE FINE FOR REGULARCIVILIANS, BUT YOU GUYS ARE ALL

PROFESSIONAL COMEDIANS, ANDTHEREFORE ABSOLUTE SUPER CREEPS

BY DEFINITION, SO FOR POINTS,WHAT'S THE CREEPIEST THING YOU

CAN DO ON FACEBOOK, JEMAINE?

>> WELL, I'VE GONE FOR A GROSSANGLE ON THIS.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?!

>> YEAH. UH... I THOUGHT MAYBE,UM, SET UP AN ALBUM CALLED "ANUS

PICS."

(LAUGHTER)AND ANOTHER ONE CALLED "OLD ANUS

PICS."

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> AND BY THAT, I MEAN ELDERLY.

>> HARDWICK: ELDERLY ANUS PICS,YEAH, YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)OR WHEN YOU'RE TIRED OF POKING

YOUR GRANDMA, THEY JUST LET YOUGO...

POINTS. UH, TAIKA.

>> UM... WELL, I THINK WHAT...

YEAH. I'D, UM...

SHH!

(LAUGHTER)GOD, I'M TRYING TO TALK.

UM... I WOULD FRIEND-REQUEST ALLTHE SARAH CONNORS...

(LAUGHTER)UM...

AND...

ASK THEM TO MEET IN ANIGHTCLUB.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

PERFECT. POINTS.

DEFINITELY.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: JOHN CONNOR, YOUR

BEST FRIEND IS YOUR DAD.

UH, MIKE PHIRMAN.

>> I THINK I'D GO SIMPLE ANDJUST, UH, CHANGE MY STATUS TO

"SNIFFING BIKE SEATS AT THE Y."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.

YEAH, FOR SURE, THAT WOULD DOIT. YEAH.

>> PEDESTRIAN.

(APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: MOVE OVER, TOM

BRADY. ARKANSAS ANNOUNCED THEIROWN MVP ON REDDIT, AND IT'S THIS

BIRTHDAY GIRL WHO'S BROKEN THESTATE'S RECORD FOR: SEVEN

CONSECUTIVE YEARS OF NOT GETTINGKNOCKED UP.

THIS IS A... CAKE FOR HER 20THBIRTHDAY, WHICH VERY PROUDLY

PROCLAIMS: "I BEAT TEENPREGNANCY!"

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)GOOD JOB. GOOD JOB.

THIS IS AN AMAZING REDNECKACCOMPLISHMENT, AND... WORD IS,

THE STATE LEGISLATURE HASNOMINATED HER FOR THE

CONGRESSIONAL SCRAP METAL OFHONOR. UH...

(LAUGHTER)OFFICIALS ALSO COMMENDED HER

BOYFRIEND, BODINE EARWIG OFDRINKWHISTLE CANYON, WHOM SHE

BLUE BALLS IN THE BREAK ROOM ATTHE JIFFY LUBE.

HE'S BEEN NOMINATED FOR THEPURPLE HARD-ON.

SO, COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE MEANOTHER NOTEWORTHY REDNECK

ACCOMPLISHMENT. UH, JEMAINE?

>> THROUGH STRATEGICINBREEDING...

(LAUGHTER)...BECOME YOUR OWN FATHER.

>> HARDWICK: YES! POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)CHECKMATE.

UH, TAIKA.

>> UH, CHECKMATE.

OKAY, WE'RE OVER.

>> NO, THAT'S IT.

YEAH, THAT'S IT.

>> HARDWICK: NO, MIKE, COMEBACK.

>> UM, OKAY, A GREATACCOMPLISHMENT WAS, UM, CREATING

A DATING APP CALLED "SISTR."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

MM-HMM, POINTS.

I'M ALWAYS SWIPING RIGHT.

MICHAEL.

>> I WOULD SAY, UH, CELEBRATING20 YEARS OF SOBRIETY EXCEPT FOR

BEER AND SHOTS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.

YEAH, DEFINITELY.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)THE MUSIC INDUSTRY'S PREMIER

POPULARITY CONTEST, THE GRAMMYS,ARE THIS WEEKEND, AND WITH ALL

THE DIVERSE NOMINEES ANDPRESENTERS UNDER ONE ROOF,

THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT MIGHTHAPPEN OR WHICH EMBRYO CASING

LADY GAGA MIGHT ARRIVE INSIDEOF.

(LAUGHTER)SO IN HONOR OF THIS, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #GRAMMYSIN5WORDS.

UH, EXAMPLES MIGHT BE-- LL COOLJ LOSES COOL, OR...

PARKS DEPARTMENT REPOSSESSESPHARRELL'S HAT, OR...

ROBIN THICKE'S DAD LEAVES HIM.

(AUDIENCE AW-ING)OH, SHUT UP! YOU DON'T FUCKIN'

FEEL BAD FOR THAT GUY!

YOU'RE JUST AS SICK OF THATSONG!

HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU!

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK. AND BEGIN.

MIKE PHIRMAN.

>> WHAT ARE WE DOING?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: PRECIOUS SECONDS

ARE TICKING AWAY.

(APPLAUSE)HIS BUZZER...

WHAT, YOU JUST, UH...

>> OKAY. I DIDN'T KNOW IF THESEWORKED.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH,THEY WORK.

>> I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST,LIKE, A THING TO LOOK AT.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOT A PRETENDBUTTON, IT'S A REAL...

>> OH, THIS IS AN ACTUAL GAME.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> OKAY.

I'M READY.

START AGAIN. START AGAIN.

CANCEL THAT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

>> WHAT?! BUT I EARNED IT.

>> HARDWICK: MIKE PHIRMAN...

YOU DID EARN IT, BUDDY.

>> I WAS TOO B... JUST CASUALINGOUT HERE ON THIS THING.

(LAUGHTER)SO I'LL DO IT.

>> IT'S A SURPRISINGLYCOMFORTABLE PODIUM.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YOU REALLY COULD

JUST, ALL DAY LONG, JUST RELAX.

(LAUGHTER)>> IT IS MADE FOR THIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YEAH, CRACK YOUR

BACK, CRACK YOUR BACK.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)SO YEAH, CRACK YOUR BACK.

>> IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELSLIKE WE COULD DO A SPIN CLASS

EPISODE.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, COME ON,GIRLS, WE CAN DO THIS.

SPINNING! SPINNING!

>> LET'S GO UP TOP!

LET'S GO UP TOP!

LET'S GO UP TOP!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: KEEP IT GOING.

TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT.

>> TURN IT UP!

KEEP IT ALL GOING!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, TURN IT UP!

TURN UP THE TENSION!

TURN UP THE TENSION!

>> GET THE RESISTANCE UP!

LET'S GO, DOWN BOTTOM!

>> HARDWICK: NOW DOWN.

NOW YOU'RE IN THE FINAL STRETCH,YOU'RE IN THE FINAL STRETCH.

IT'S YOU AND THE GUY NEXT TOYOU-- YOU CAN DO IT!

ALL THE WAY! OVER THE TOP!

(APPLAUSE)AND... WE'RE DONE!

OH, GOOD WORKOUT, GUYS.

REALLY GOOD WORKOUT.

THAT WAS NICE.

>> UH, WE DID THE WHOLE CLASS.

(LAUGHTER)>> WE JUST WASTED SO MUCH OF

YOUR SHOW.

>> YEAH. IT WAS GREAT.

>> HARDWICK: SUCK IT, THEY'LLPUT IT ONLINE-- WHO GIVES A

SHIT, OKAY?

NO ONE.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)AIN'T NO RULES ON THE INTERNET!

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)>> SO IN THE SHOW, IT'LL JUST

CUT FROM, LIKE, ALL RIGHT, GOTO YOU, AND THEN WE'LL ALL BE

OUT OF BREATH.

(LAUGHTER)(PANTING): BUT, UH... UH...

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, UH, SO IBELIEVE THE GAME WAS

GRAMMYSIN5WORDS.

I'M GONNA PUT, UH...

>> THIS WAS SO LONG AGO.

(LAUGHTER)I THINK THE GRAMMYS HAVE BEEN

ON.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: AND... GO!

MIKE PHIRMAN.

>> GRAMMY GOES TO WEIRD AL!

>> HARDWICK: YES! POINTS.

THAT'D BE AMAZING. POINTS.

POINTS. JEMAINE.

>> ACTUALLY, I HAVE A GRAMMY.

>> HARDWICK: OH!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)THAT'S FIVE WORDS AND IT'S TRUE!

TAIKA.

>> I'M GONNA LET YOU FINISH.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THAT'S FIVE WORDS!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)POINTS. JEMAINE.

>> THESE TWO GUYS, NO GRAMMY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THAT'S FIVE WORDS.

YEAH.

UH, MIKE.

>> PHARRELL'S HAT EXCITEDLYANNOUNCES GRYFFINDOR!

(LAUGHTER)POINTS.

UH, JEMAINE.

>> DID I MENTION MY GRAMMY?

>> HARDWICK: NO, NOT YET.

POINTS. NOT YET. POINTS.

UH, TAIKA.

>> TUPAC'S HOLOGRAM SHOT FIVETIMES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY...

WHISPER ME THIS, BATMAN.

WHISPER IS A VERY POWERFUL APPWHERE YOU CAN POST YOUR SECRETS,

CONFESSIONS, DESIRES, CRUSHESAND CRIMES IN MEME FORM WITHOUT

HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT ANYONEEVER FINDING OUT WHO YOU ARE

UNLESS THEY'RE ONE OF THOSEPEOPLE WHO'S REAL GOOD WITH

COMPUTERS.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA GIVE YOUA PARTIAL WHISPER AND FOR 250

POINTS I WANT YOU TO FINISH THATWHISPER FOR ME.

FIRST ONE, "EVERY DAY I SPEND ATLEAST 30 MINUTES TRYING TO..."

BLANK.

(BELL DINGS)JEM... UH, MIKE PHIRMAN.

>> PERFECT MY AMERICAN ACCENT.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

UH, JEMAINE.

>> EVERY DAY I SPEND AT LEAST 30MINUTES TRYING TO SPEND SIX

HOURS WORKING ON MY TIMEMACHINE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

MM-HMM.

YES.

TAIKA.

>> UM, EVERY... EVERY DAY ISPEND AT LEAST 30 MINUTES TRYING

TO, UM, FIND A MATHEMATICALFORMULA FOR PERFECTLY SPLITTING

AN HOUR INTO TWO PIECES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BUT...

THE ACTUAL RETAIL ANSWER WAS"EVERY DAY I SPEND AT LEAST 30

MINUTES TRYING TO MOVE OBJECTSWITH MY MIND."

(HIGH-PITCHED): THEY'RE ALLGONNA LAUGH AT YOU.

UH, NEXT ONE.

"I ONCE MASTURBATED IN CHURCHDURING A SERMON..." BLANK.

(BELL DINGS)JEMAINE.

>> I ONCE MASTURBATED IN CHURCHDURING A SERMON...

AND SEMEN COMBO SPECIAL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS, TAIKA.

>> I ONCE MASTURBATED IN CHURCHDURING A SERMON.

ISN'T... ISN'T THAT ENOUGH OFTHAT-- DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN?

>> HARDWICK: NO, NO, YEAH.

>> WHY?

IT'S JUST... IT HAPPENED.

IT WAS A THING THAT HAPPENED,AND, SPUR OF THE MOMENT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE TOEXPLAIN THIS STUFF.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY,POINTS, POINTS.

UH, MIKE PHIRMAN.

>> UH, I FEEL WEIRD SAYING THEFIRST PART, BUT, YEAH, I ONCE

MASTURBATED IN CHURCH...

>> SAY IT.

SAY IT!

>> HARDWICK: WHY ARE YOUUNCOMFORTABLE SAYING IT, MIKE?

>> SAY IT, SAY IT, SAY IT.

>> HARDWICK: LITTLE TOO CLOSE TOHOME?

(ALL CHANTING): SAY IT, SAY IT,SAY IT, SAY IT.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

>> OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT--SAY IT, HOLD ON.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NO, GET YOUR... LET ME SEE 'EM.

>> JUST SAY IT.

>> GET YOUR HANDS UP.

HANDS UP, HANDS UP.

I'M NOT... I'M NOT.

>> JUST PL... JUST SAY IT.

>> WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY IT?

>> BUT...

>> WE WANT YOU TO SAY IT.

>> BUT... BUT SAY IT LIKE:(WHISPERS): I ONCE MASTURBATED

IN A...

SAY IT LIKE THAT.

>> CAN'T DO THAT.

>> SAY IT REAL SOFT, REAL SOFT.

>> JUST WHISPER IT TO ME FIRST,THOUGH.

>> JUST GONNA MAKE A JOKE, IDON'T DESERVE THIS.

>> HARDWICK: I'M GONNA-I'M GONNAGIVE YOU POINTS JUST FOR

ADMITTING WHAT YOU DID, UH...

>> I DIDN'T DO THIS.

>> HARDWICK: BUT IF YOU WANTTO... IF YOU WANT TO GO AHEAD

AND GIVE YOUR ANSWER.

>> I WAS GONNA SAY, UH, I ONCEMASTURBATED IN CHURCH DURING A

SERMON SO THEY WOULDN'T THINK IWAS A COP.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS "SIMPLYBECAUSE I COULD."

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE FELT LIKETHAT WAS OKAY.

UH, NEXT ONE, "WHEN I SING TO MYCATS I..." BLANK.

(BELL DINGS)JEMAINE.

>> WHEN I SING TO MY CATS...

I DO IT IN THE RAIN.

>> HARDWICK: AW.

>> BECAUSE I MAKE ALL THEPUSSIES WET.

>> HARDWICK: WHOA!

YEAH.

MM-HMM.

SO...

POINTS, AND NOW WE KNOW HOW YOUGOT A GRAMMY.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS "WHEN ISING TO MY CATS I CHANGE THE

LYRICS TO MAKE THE SONG ABOUTTHE CAT."

>> OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, "IPRETEND MY PILLOW IS A PERSON

AND..." BLANK.

(BELL DINGS)LITTLE TOO EXCITED ON THE DRAW,

THERE.

UH, JEMAINE.

>> I PRETEND MY PILLOW IS APERSON...

AND IT ACTUALLY USED TO BE APERSON.

>> HARDWICK: TAI... TAIKA.

>> WELL, I PRETEND MY PILLOW'S APERSON AND, UM, BUT I'M A

PILLOW.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

MIKE.

>> I PRETEND MY PILLOW IS APERSON AND... GET DOWN.

>> HARDWICK: OH, GOD DAMN IT.

>> BUT IT...

>> YOU TAKE IT TO CHURCH.

>> SORRY... SORRY, CHRIS, SOMEOF THESE ARE FILLER.

>> HARDWICK: AH!

>> HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

>> YEAH, I LIKED THAT.

>> WELL, WE BOTH ENJOYED THAT.

>> OH.

>> I THINK HE SHOULD GET THEPOINT, BECAUSE WE REALLY ENJOYED

IT.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, YOU'RE ALL...

YOU'RE ALL GETTING POINTS, MIKE,AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT, I'M

GIVING YOU POINTS.

YEAH.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "I PRETENDMY PILLOW IS A PERSON AND CUDDLE

WITH IT ALL NIGHT."

THAT'S SAD.

>> THAT'S...

>> HARDWICK: THIS PERSON NEEDSANOTHER PERSON.

UH, LAST ONE, "I DON'T KNOWWHICH IS HARDER:" BLANK OR

BLANK.

(BELL DINGS)>> YES, I DON'T KNOW, I JUST

WANTED TO HIT IT FIRST AND I DIDIT.

>> HARDWICK: YOU GOT IT.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS HARDER:UM, HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH OR

LISTENING TO HOOTIE AND THEBLOWFISH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, YEAH,POINTS.

POINTS.

JEMAINE.

>> OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHICH ISHARDER: FIGHTING A BEAR...

OR REASONING WITH IT.

>> HARDWICK: THEY DON'T LIKE TOLISTEN.

POINTS.

YEAH.

PHIRMAN.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS HARDER:ADVANCED CALCULUS OR TRYING NOT

TO MAKE A DICK JOKE HERE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS,POINTS.

WELL...

>> WAS THAT ONE?

>> HARDWICK: I WILL SAY, LIKEADVANCED CALCULUS, MY DICK IS

HARD.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: I'M WEARING ACONDOM RIGHT NOW-- IS THAT

WEIRD?

>> IS THAT WHY THEY GIVE YOU THENEW REINFORCED PODIUM?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> YEAH, IS OURS...

NO, IT'S A SCREEN.

>> IT'S GONNA BE LIKE... IT'SGONNA LOOK LIKE...

IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE SUPERMANPUNCHING THROUGH A VAULT IN A

SECOND, JUST, "CHING!""CHING, CHING!"

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD, THAT'DBE AMAZING.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "I DON'TKNOW WHICH IS HARDER: PUTTING A

FITTED SHEET ON A TOP BUNK ORSHAVING MY LEGS IN A DORM

SHOWER."

>> THAT WAS VERY INVOLVED.

>> HARDWICK: THAT GUY'S GOT AWEIRD LIFE.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOUTHIS INCREDIBLY DARK POEM

WRITTEN BY AN APPARENTLYTORTURED NINE-YEAR-OLD.

(LAUGHTER)MAYBE SHE'S NOT. I DON'T KNOW.

AND I ASKED YOU GUYS TO GIVE MEAN EXCERPT OF HER ESSAY ON WHAT

SHE DID OVER SUMMER VACATION.

LET'S START WITH YOU, TAIKA.

>> THE HEAT OF SUMMER IS JUST AGRIM REMINDER OF THE SEARING

HELLFIRE AWAITING US ALL WHENTHE REAPER COMES A-RAPPING AT

THE DOOR AND WE ARE FINALLY FREEOF THIS BURDEN CALLED LIFE.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S AN AMAZINGSUMMER VACATION.

MIKE PHIRMAN.

>> I PLAYED WITH MY COUSINS,RODE MY BIKE AND OFFERED ANOTHER

STEPFATHER UNTO WICKER MAN.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

JEMAINE CLEMENT.

>> (FALSETTO): TODAY I RODE ON AHORSE CALLED HONEYPUFF AND IT

WAS SO MUCH FUN, UNTIL HONEYPUFFSAID I WAS FAT AND THAT REALLY

HURT MY FEELINGS AND WHEN MYFEELINGS GET HURT,

(DEEP VOICE): EVERYONE BURNS.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

(CHEERING)YEAH?

>> I GAVE IT THE VOICES AND...

>> HARDWICK: YOU DID GOOD, YEAH,YEAH.

AND YOU'RE NOW BACK... I-I...

YOU DISAPPEARED FOR A SECOND.

>> I'VE NOW BECOME MYSELF AGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: NOW YOU'RE JEMAINEAGAIN, YEAH.

>> I DO SOME PROFESSIONALACTING.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. I-I'VE SEEN.

IT'S VERY GOOD.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME...

RESUME FOR PAY.

RESUME FOR PAY.

>> RESUME FOR PAY. HERE WE GO.

RESUME FOR PAY.

>> HARDWICK: LINKEDIN IS A THINGNOBODY USES TO FIND WORK THAT

NOBODY HAS.

UH, THIS POINTLESS NETWORKINGSITE REVIEWED ALL OF THEIR USER

PROFILES, UH, AND NOTICED THAT ALOT OF PEOPLE USE THE SAME

BUZZWORDS TO DESCRIBETHEMSELVES, WORDS LIKE CREATIVE,

PASSIONATE, AND DRIVEN.

UH, LINKEDIN RECOMMENDS LIMITINGTHESE HACKY WORDS AND PHRASES,

BUT TAKING RESUME ADVICE FROMLINKEDIN IS LIKE GETTING YOUR

WEDDING CATERED BY THE BANGBUS.

UH...

THAT'S A...

>> I STARTED OFF GOING "OOH" ANDTHEN I TRIED TO G... DO A FACE

OF "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH. IT COULD BE ANYTHING.

>> IT WAS LIKE... IT WAS LIKETHIS, LIKE "EW."

>> HARDWICK: WHAT'S THAT?

IT SOUNDS...

IT-IT... I MEAN, IT SOUNDS LIKEGUYS WHO JUST PICK UP GIRLS AND

HAVE SEX WITH THEM, BUT I'M JUSTGUESSING.

I DON'T KNOW...

>> IS THAT... IS THAT...

>> WHERE WOULD YOU FIND THAT?

>> YEAH, I ACTUALLY DON'T...

>> HARDWICK: ON, UH, PBS.

>> I WISH THERE WAS... I WISHTHERE WAS SOMEPLACE THAT WAS...

YOU COULD JUST EASILY ACCESS ALLTHAT KIND OF STUFF.

>> HARDWICK: THERE'S NOTHING.

>> ANY KIND OF VIDEO.

>> HARDWICK: NO. NO, NOTHINGLIKE THAT.

YOU HAVE TO GO DOWN TO THE VIDEOSTORE AND, YOU KNOW,

EMBARRASS...

>> GET A MAGAZINE, PRETEND IT'SMOVING.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. EXACTLY.

>> OR A CHURCH.

>> HARDWICK: OR-OR A CHURCH IFYOU'RE MIKE.

YEAH. YEAH.

EXACTLY.

>> WHAT TAIKA DOES IS HE CUTSTHE EYEHOLES OUT OF THE GIRLS'

FACES, AND THEN HE MAKES ME PUTMY FACE BEHIND...

>> HARDWICK: AW.

WHY-WHY WOULD YOU LET HIM DOTHAT?

>> OH, YEAH, KEEP LOOKING.

KEEP LOOKING IN MY EYES.

>> THAT'S JUST WHAT HE DOES.

>> HARDWICK: AND THEN... ANDTHEN JEMAINE GOES, "YOU SURE

TALK A LOT FOR A PILLOW."

UH, COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOMEOTHER BUZZWORDS AND PHRASES YOU

MIGHT WANT TO REMOVE FROM YOURRESUME?

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.

AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)JEMAINE.

>> RACIALLY PURE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

THAT'S NOT ME!

DON'T POINT AT ME!

THAT'S NOT ON MINE!

(BELL DINGS)MIKE PHIRMAN.

>> OVERLY CONFIDENT?

QUESTION MARK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)TAIKA.

>> BANGBUS DRIVER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)PHIRMAN.

>> CAN TYPE 65 LETTERS A MINUTE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, JEMAINE.

>> VOTED MR. FARTY PANTS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)TAIKA.

>> A BIT MURDERISH.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.