John Mulaney & T.J. Miller

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 04/02/2013

Anthony notes that bullet wounds look just like Italian food and talks to a psychologist; John Mulaney and T.J. Miller discuss dating bloopers.

WITH THE BEST WORST THINGOF THE WEEK.

OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES,THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

ARKHAM ASYLUM,SALAMU ALAYKUM.

AURORA SHOOTER JAMES HOLMES

HAS REPORTEDLY CONVERTEDTO ISLAM IN PRISON

AND IS PRAYINGUP TO FIVE TIMES A DAY.

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME,SCIENTOLOGY.

- THIS IS THE LAST STEP

IN BEING THE WORST,MOST HATED PERSON IN AMERICA.

- HE IS NOW OFFICIALLYTHE HARDEST PERSON

TO PLAY TWO TRUTHSAND A LIE WITH, I THINK.

HE'S LIKE,"I'M A MASS MURDERER,

"I'M A DEVOUT MUSLIM,

AND ONE SUMMER I WORKEDAT A COLD STONE CREAMERY."

HARD TO KNOW.

- YEAH, YEAH.

- THAT SUCKS YOU GOTTA PRAYFIVE TIMES A DAY.

THAT'S NO GOOD.

SOME PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY,

THEY GOTTA DESIGNA ONCE DAILY ISLAM PRAYER,

'CAUSE YOU CAN'TSPEND ALL DAY PRAYING.

AND I HOPE I DON'TGET KILLED FOR THAT JOKE.

- PROBABLY NOT.

- EVERY TIMEHE BENDS DOWN TO PRAY,

THEY'RE JUST GONNARAPE HIM TO SHREDS.

- DURING HIS PRAYER?

- OH, YEAH, FOR SURE!

HE BETTER BE PRAYING

THAT HIS ASSWON'T BE TOTALLY SHREDDED

FROM THE RAPE SHREDDINGTHAT WILL HAPPEN.

- BUT, YOU KNOW,I HEARD THAT JAMES HOLMES

PRAYS FIVE TIMES A DAYTHAT SOMEONE WILL TELL HIM

THE ENDING OF THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.

WHAT OTHER--WHAT OTHER ADVANTAGES

DOES JAMES HOLMES HAVENOW THAT HE'S A MUSLIM?

- GREAT COLLEGE ESSAY.

- RIGHT.T.J.?

- I MEAN,NOW THAT HE HAS THE BEARD,

EASIER TO GRIP ONTO HIM

WHEN YOU'RE RAPING HIMTO SHREDS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY A GAME

CALLED "GUNSHOT WOUNDOR ITALIAN FOOD."

- ALL RIGHT.

- I'M GONNA SHOW YOUA PICTURE,

AND YOU TELL MEIF IT'S A GUNSHOT WOUND

OR ITALIAN FOOD.

T.J., YOU'RE FIRST.TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PICTURE.

COULD BE A GUNSHOT WOUND.COULD BE PIZZA.

T.J., WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I MEAN, I LOOKED ATMY LOWER LIP THIS MORNING

IN THE MIRROR,AND I SAW THIS VERY THING.

I THINK IT'SAN ITALIAN GUNSHOT WOUND.

- MAMA MIA,IT'S A PIZZA.

- DAMN IT!- OH.

- ALL RIGHT, JOHN MULANEY,

TAKE A LOOKAT THIS PICTURE.

COULD BE A GUNSHOT WOUND.

COULD BE A NICE VEAL CUTLET.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, JOHN?

- I LOVE THIS LITTLE WHITETHING CREEPING IN THERE.

- YEAH.

- CAN WE PUTPARMESAN CHEESE ON IT

AND THEN DECIDE?

I THINK IT'S A GUNSHOT WOUNDON CHEF BOYARDEE.

THAT'S MY THEORY.

- WHEN YOU'RE HERE,YOU'RE FAMILY.

IT'S A GUNSHOT WOUND.

- OH!

ON WHAT?

- ON A--ON A BLACK PERSON.

- OH.

- ON THE BIGGEST BLACKVAGINA YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

[laughter]

- OKAY, THIS ISTHE LAST ONE.

TAKE A LOOKAT THIS PICTURE.

COULD BE A GUNSHOT WOUND.PROBABLY MUSHROOM RISOTTO.

- UH, IS ALIEN [bleep]THE THIRD CHOICE THAT WE HAVE?

- IT IS NOT.

- I'LL GO MUSHROOM RISOTTO.

- THAT'S AMORE.

IT'S A GUNSHOT WOUND- OH!

- WITH BONUS MAGGOTS.

CAN'T GET MAD,IT'S ALL PROTEIN.

[applause]

WHAT DO WE WANT?MORE PANEL.

AND FLUSH THE TOILET.

IT'S "DEFENDING YOUR TWEET."

YOU TWEETED IT.

NOW I'M GONNA READ ITAND ASK YOU TO DEFEND IT

IN FRONT OFALL THESE PEOPLE.

JOHN, ON AUGUST 28th,YOU TWEETED:

JOHN, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- YEAH, SOLID TWEET.EXCELLENT TWEET.

IT COMBINES THINGSTHAT PEOPLE ON TWITTER LOVE,

LIKE LATIN

AND DATED FEYHOLLYWOOD REFERENCES.

IT'S PERFECTFOR YOUR AUDIENCE.

- PERFECT, YEAH.

- I MEAN, I THINKI HAD THEM AT "BARANSKI."

- AN UPCOMING GUEST.

- AND I DON'T HAVETO DO ANY MORE WORK

BECAUSE I PUT THE WORD"ET CETERA" AT THE END.

- THE OLD COMEDY TRICK.

GREAT.THAT'S A GREAT DEFENSE.

- I THINK YOU HAD THEMAT "BARANSKI"

AND YOU LOST THEMAT "ET CETERA."

ALSO WHEN YOU DIDN'THAVE THE WORD "RAPE" IN IT.

- HE GOT IN ANOTHER ONE.

- I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD HAVETO TELL ANOTHER COMEDIAN,

"CHILL WITH THE RAPE STUFF."

[laughter]

AND, T.J., ON MARCH 21st,YOU TWEETED THIS.

[applause]

T.J., DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- FIRST OF ALL I DON'T THINK

YOU SHOULD TRY AND ASSUME

THAT THAT WORD WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE [bleep].

[laughter]

- IT'S ACTUALLY "SPIT."

THAT WAS A DOOZY.

YOU'RE GOINGTO SPIT YOUR PANTS.

WHY DID I DO THIS SHOW?

- BECAUSE YOU HAVENOTHING ELSE.

YOU'VE BURNED EVERY BRIDGEYOU HAVE IN THIS BUSINESS.

BUT THANK YOU BOTHFOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.

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