CC Presents: Kevin Brennan

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 01/25/1999

SO I'M FROM NEW YORK.

ANY NEW YORKERS HERE?

Man:YEAH!

THE MORONS.

( laughter )

PEOPLE ARE...

PEOPLE ARE RUDE IN NEW YORK,AREN'T THEY?

YOU GET A LOT OF THISIN NEW YORK:

"HEY, BABY. COME ON, BABY."

YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKEWOMEN LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?

A LOT OF PEOPLEDON'T REALLY...

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T CARE.

GUYS WILL ACTUALLY DO THAT.

YOU CAN WALK DOWN THE STREETWITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND

AND GUYS WILL DO THAT TO YOU.

THEY'LL DO THAT TO YOURGIRLFRIEND, AND YOU'RE WITH HER.

GUYS BE LIKE, "COME ON."

YOU'RE RIGHT THERE WITH HER.

WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?IT'S RETARDED, GEEZ.

MY GIRLFRIEND JUST IGNORED THEM

BUT I HADONE GIRLFRIEND WHO SAID

"I'M GOINGTO GO SEE WHAT THEY WANT."

YOU DON'T NEED THAT, DO YOU?

IT'S HARD TO MEET WOMEN.

IT'S HARDTO MEET WOMEN ANYWHERE

'CAUSE YOU GO TO BARSAND THE MUSIC'S SO LOUD.

I JUST MAKE UP ( bleep ) NOW.

THEY CAN'T HEAR ME.

WHAT'S THE POINT?

I WAS TALKING TO THIS GIRL.

I'M, LIKE,"HEY, BIGFOOT'S OUTSIDE."

BIGFOOT'S OUTSIDE."

SHE'S, LIKE...

"YOU WANT TO DANCE?

YOU WANT TO DANCE?"

SHE'S, LIKE...

"CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?"

"SURE. ABSOLUTELY."

SHOULD HAVE SAID THATRIGHT AWAY.

THANK YOU.

THIS GUY'S LIKE...

THE GUYS ARE COOL.

I'M COOL.

SO THEY WERE PLAYING PUFF DADDYAT THE PLACE.

YOU GUYS LIKE PUFF DADDY?

YOU KNOW, FIRST OF ALL

ALL THE GUY DOES IS TAKEOTHER PEOPLE'S SONGS.

ISN'T IT BULL ( bleep ) OR WHAT?

HE TOOK "EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE"FROM THE POLICE

AND MADE A HIT OUT OF IT--IT WAS A HIT.

WHY DOESN'T HE TRY A HARD TUNELIKE "CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SEE IF HE HASANY TALENT, RIGHT?

JUST CHECKING YOU GUYS OUT.

I JUST DON'T KNOWIF WOMEN LIKE ME.

I KNOW WHEN THEY DON'T LIKE ME'CAUSE THEY'LL SAY THINGS LIKE

"YEAH, THAT'S HIM, OFFICER."

SO I KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

THERE'S STUFF I DON'T KNOW.

PLUS, YOU KNOW, I SWEAR TO GOD,IN NEW YORK, IT'S, LIKE

YOU GOT TO HAVE LIKE A SYSTEMTO, LIKE, MEET WOMEN, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, WOMEN HAVE ALL THESE RULESAND THEY'RE ALWAYS CHANGING.

RIGHT, LADIES?

THIS GIRL CAME UP TO MEON THE SUBWAY.

WOMEN NEVER TALK TO YOUON THE SUBWAY.

SHE COMES UP TO ME,AND SHE GOES

"YOU'RE A COMEDIAN, RIGHT?"

I WAS, LIKE, "YEAH."

AND I THOUGHT SOMETHINGMIGHT HAPPEN

SO I'M TALKING TO HER, YOU KNOW

'CAUSE WOMEN NEVER TALKTO YOU ON THE SUBWAY

SO I THINK I'M MAKING PROGRESS

AND THEN I HAVE TO GETOFF THE TRAIN FIRST

SO I ASKED HERFOR HER PHONE NUMBER.

SHE SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANTMY PHONE NUMBER FOR?

I WASN'T ACTING SEXYWHEN I WAS TALKING TO YOU."

AND I WAS, LIKE,"IS THAT A NEW THING

WOMEN HAVE TO ACT SEXYWHEN THEY'RE TALKING TO YOU?"

CAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD A WOMANSAY, "SO WHERE DO YOU LIVE?"

"YOU SHOULD GET MY NUMBER."

THAT'S SOME ( bleep ).

SHE'S, LIKE, A GOOD GIRLFRIEND,YOU KNOW?

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU STILL GET,LIKE, YOU KNOW

"CAUSE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVEA GIRLFRIEND

YOU WANT ONE, RIGHT?

AND THEN WHEN YOU GET ONE

YOU'RE, LIKE,"OH, THAT'S RIGHT," YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, STUFF JUST HAPPENS

AND YOU'RE, LIKE,"OH, NO, NOT THIS AGAIN."

I THINK I'VE BEEN WATCHINGTOO MUCH RICKI LAKE, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,GUYS ARE ALL IDIOTS, RIGHT?

WE'RE ALL JERKS,AND WOMEN ARE ALL GREAT, RIGHT?

IS THAT THE WAY IT IS?

( women cheering )

IT'S SUCH BULL ( bleep )

'CAUSE YOU KNOWIT'S NOT LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, WOMEN GET MAD'CAUSE GUYS HAVE

WE HAVE KIND OF, LIKE,A HOPPED-UP SEX DRIVE, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE ALWAYS IN THE MOODFOR SEX AND YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE ONLY SOMETIMESIN THE MOOD FOR SEX.

THAT'S NOT OUR FAULT.

IT'S GOOD WE'RE ALWAYSIN THE MOOD FOR SEX

'CAUSE OTHERWISE,WE'D NEVER HAVE SEX.

WE'D BE WAITING FOR EACH OTHERALL THE TIME.

SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?SO, WE'RE READY 24-SEVEN.

WE'RE DOING YOU A FAVOR,ALL RIGHT?

RIGHT, GUYS?

PLUS...

PLUS, WOMEN CAN ONLY GETPREGNANT SOMETIMES.

THEY CAN ONLY GET PREGNANTA COUPLE DAYS OUT OF THE MONTH.

SO WHAT IF WE'RE ONLYIN THE MOOD FOR SEX SOMETIMES?

THEN WE'D NEVER HAVE KIDS.

NO HUMAN RACE.

SO WE'RE HEROESTHE WAY I LOOK AT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE'RE LIKE HEROES.

YOU DON'T WANT TO COME HOME...

YOU WANT TO COME HOME

YOU SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND,"HONEY, I'M OVULATING.

LET'S HAVE SEX."

AND HE'S, LIKE, "I'M SAD.

"I CAN'T. I JUST WATCHED PARTY OF FIVE

"AND BAILEY'S DRINKING AGAIN.

"I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT TO MAKE OF IT ALL."

SOME CRAZY...

AND IF YOU'RE EVER...

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND EVER SAYSTO YOU, "LET'S HAVE SEX"

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO,THEY, LIKE, FLIP OUT.

THEY'RE LIKE,"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'NO'?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

YOU COULD BE GOINGWITH JOHN GLENN

ON THE ( bleep ) ASTRONAUTTHING, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN,YOU GOT TO GO UP THERE?

HELL, HOOK ME UP FIRST,"YOU KNOW?

"WHAT, ARE YOU GAY?"

THEY'RE ALWAYS, LIKE,"WHAT, ARE YOU GAY?"

YEAH, I'M GAY 'CAUSE I HAVETO GO UP TO OUTER SPACE, YEAH.

WOMEN ARE THE GAY ONES.

I SAW A WOMAN TODAY.

SHE'S, LIKE, TALKINGTO HER FRIEND.

SHE'S, LIKE, "NICE SHIRT."

SHE'S RUBBING THE FABRICAND GLANCING

AGAINST THE WOMAN'S BREAST,YOU KNOW?

I'M, LIKE, "WHAT IS THAT?"GUYS DON'T DO THAT.

"NICE PANTS, OH.

"OH, YEAH.

"WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE PANTS?

"WAIT. GIVE ME MORE TIME.

COME HERE. COUGH."

YOU JUST GOT TO TRY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, WOMEN GET CLOSETO ORGASMS.

GUYS DON'T.

YOU EVER GET CLOSETO AN ORGASM?

GUYS DON'T GET CLOSE.

WE SEE THE FINISH LINE.

WE CROSS THE FINISH LINE.

IF WE HAVE TO DRAGA BROKEN LEG...

WE WILL CROSS THE FINISH LINE.

WHAT HAPPENS TO WOMEN?

DO YOU SEE THE FINISH LINE?

YOU'RE, LIKE, "OH, ( bleep ).

OH, LOOK, A DEER."

Woman:YEAH!

I WAS ON A DATEWITH A VEGETARIAN ONCE

AND I ORDEREDA CHICKEN SANDWICH.

THE WOMEN'S, LIKE,"YOU EAT MEAT?

"I CAN NEVER EATA LIVING THING.

"I'M A VEGETARIAN.

I SAID, "WELL,PLANTS ARE LIVING, TOO.

THEY'RE JUST EASIER TO CATCH."

YOU NEVER HAVE TO...

YOU NEVER HAVE TO SNEAK UPON CORN, DO YOU?

( Elmer Fudd voice ):BE VERY, VERY QUIET.

SO, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T SMOKE.

DOES ANYONE SMOKE AROUND HERE?

YOU SMOKE?LET ME SEE YOUR CIGARETTES.

YOU GOT CIGARETTES ON YOU?

YOU KNOW, THEY PUT, LIKE

THEY PUT THE MOSTSCREWED UP WARNINGS.

WHO SMOKES HERE?

Woman:SMOKE WEED!

"SMOKE WEED."

( laughter and applause )

FIRST OF ALL...

FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T GET HIGH,YOU KNOW

BUT I USED TO, YOU KNOW,WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I HAD THE WORST EXPERIENCE.

I GOT HIGH ONE TIMEIN HIGH SCHOOL.

THEN I HAD TO GOTO HISTORY CLASS.

I WAS ALL THIRSTY FROM THE POTAND PARANOID.

I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND.

I'M TRYING TO HIDE FROM THETEACHER; HE SEES ME HIDING.

HE'S, LIKE, "CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHYTHE SOUTH LOST THE CIVIL WAR?"

"'CAUSE THEY HAD COTTONMOUTH?"

HE'S, LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN,COTTONMOUTH?"

I'M, LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M NOT HIGH."

THEY SUSPENDED ME.

THEY GAVE ME A TWO-DAY HOLIDAYFOR BEING BAD.

WHAT DOES THAT TEACH YOU?

TO BE BAD.

AFTER THAT,I WOULD CALL UP SCHOOL.

"THIS IS BRENNAN;I'M CUTTING SCHOOL.

"YEAH, YOU GO TO HELL.

"I GET TWO MORE DAYS OFF, RIGHT?

"ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME TOMORROWAND NEXT THURSDAY.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY."

SO THEY HAVE CIGARETTES.

CIGARETTES ARE SO ADDICTIVE

THEY SAY RIGHT ON THE SIDEOF THE PACK.

"CIGARETTE SMOKE CONTAINSCARBON MONOXIDE."

WOULD YOU, LIKE, BUY OTHERPRODUCTS THAT HAD THIS ON IT?

LIKE, WOULD YOU BUY BALONEY,YOU KNOW?

YOU WALK IN AND THE GUY'S, LIKE

"THIS BALONEY'S GOTCARBON MONOXIDE."

YOU'RE, LIKE, "UH, GIVEME A QUARTER POUND."

YEAH, YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

THAT'S SOME CRAZY ( bleep ).

AND HE SHOWED ME THE PICTURES

AND HE'S, LIKE,"ISN'T THIS HORRIBLE?"

YEAH, IT IS HORRIBLE

BUT IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RENOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW WHY THEY GETMUD SLIDES?

THEY BUILD THEIR HOUSESON MUD.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSEDTO LIVE THERE.

LIKE, I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.

I GET SHOT ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T GET ALL SADWHEN IT HAPPENS.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE THERE.

I GOT STABBED TWO DAYS AGO;I WAS, LIKE, "WHATEVER."

I JUST WALK IT OFF.

I DON'T GIVE A ( bleep ).

I WALK OFF A STAB WOUND.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I DID.

BEFORE I WAS LEAVING NEW YORK,THEY HAD THIS GUY

WHO COULDN'T GET OUT OFHIS HOUSE 'CAUSE HE WAS TOO FAT.

HOW DID YOU GET SO FAT?

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHTABOUT THAT?

'CAUSE IT HAPPENSA COUPLE TIMES.

HOW DO YOU GET SO FATYOU CAN'T GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE?

HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THAT COMING?

DON'T YOU GRADUALLY GET FATTER?

IT'S NOT WILLY WONKAAND THAT BLUEBERRY GIRL

WHERE YOU BLOW UP OVERNIGHT.

IF YOU'RE WALKINGOUT OF YOUR HOUSE SIDEWAYS

'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO FAT,MAKE A MENTAL NOTE, ALL RIGHT?

"I AM REALLY FAT."

THEN WHAT IF YOU HAVE A JOB

AND YOU HAVE TO CALL IN FATFOR WORK

IF YOU CAN'T GETOUT OF YOUR HOUSE?

"BOSS, I WON'T BECOMING IN TODAY.

"WELL, YOU KNOWHOW I'M REALLY FAT?

"YEAH, I'M FATTER TODAYAND I CAN'T GET

OUT OF MY OWN HOUSE."

YEAH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

SO I THINK I'M NOT SYMPATHETIC

TO FAT PEOPLE'CAUSE I'M SKINNY, YOU KNOW

AND I WAS REALLY SKINNYAS A KID.

I'M ONE OF TEN KIDS.

I NEVER GOT SECONDS,BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

IS ANYONE ELSEFROM A BIG FAMILY?

I NEVER GOT SECONDSMY WHOLE LIFE.

THEN AT ONE POINT

MY MOM WAS TALKINGABOUT ADOPTING A KID.

WE ALREADY HAD TEN;I SAID, "GO AHEAD, ADOPT HIM.

"WE'LL ( bleep ) EAT HIM, OKAY?

WHAT IS THIS?"

SO, YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHY PEOPLE HAVE KIDS.

WE HAD A BIG FAMILY.

MY DAD WAS, LIKE, SUPER CHEAP,YOU KNOW?

WE HAD A DOG ONE TIME

AND THE DOG GOT SICK.

MY DAD WAS SUPPOSED TO...HE HAD TO PUT IT TO SLEEP.

SO INSTEAD OF TAKING ITTO THE VET

HE TOOK HIM TO THE WOODSAND SHOT IT

WHICH WAS TRAUMATIC FOR ME'CAUSE I WAS CLOSE TO THE DOG.

ACTUALLY, I WAS HOLDING IT.

BACK THEN,YOU COULD JUST SHOOT YOUR KIDS.

IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH KIDS,IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IF I HAVE KIDS,I THINK I'M GOING TO ADOPT THEM

BECAUSE THENIF YOUR KID'S A LOSER

PEOPLE SAY,"YOUR KID'S A LOSER."

IT'S, LIKE, "IT'S NOT MY KID.

"NO, I'M JUST WATCHING ITTILL COLLEGE.

I'M GOING TO GET RID OF IT."

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHY PEOPLE HAVE KIDS.

ANYONE HAVE ANY KIDS HERE?

HOW MANY YOU GOT?

ONE? DID YOU PLAN ON HAVING ITOR WAS IT JUST AN ACCIDENT?

YOU PLANNED?

'CAUSE KIDS HAVE NO MONEY.

LIKE, IF YOU HAVE A KID,THEY HAVE NO MONEY, RIGHT?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I THINK WOMEN HAVE KIDSSO THEY CAN EAT FOR TWO.

YOU GET TO EAT FOR TWO.

YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR PERIODFOR NINE MONTHS.

IT'S LIKE A SUMMER VACATIONIF YOU ASK ME.

WOMEN SAY THEY'RE EATINGFOR TWO.

THEY GAIN 197 POUNDS.

THEY HAVE A THREE-POUND BABY.

"THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL,HUH? WOW.

WOW, I JUST MADE IT,RIGHT, DOCTOR?"

YOU HAVE A LOT OF DIFFERENTNATIONALITIES HERE, RIGHT?

WHERE I'M FROM, I SWEAR TO GOD,I'M, LIKE, A TARGET OF HATE.

I'M "WHITEY." I SWEAR TO GOD.

I GOT JUMPED ONE TIMEBY THESE GUYS WAS FROM INDIA

AND PEOPLE THINK, "OH, THEY'REOKAY. THEY'RE REALLY NICE."

THEY'RE NOT NICE.

THE GUY PUT A KNIFETO MY THROAT.

SO I DID AN IMPRESSION OF A COW

'CAUSE THEY'RE SACREDTO PEOPLE FROM INDIA...

AND THE GUY GAVE ME A RIDE HOME.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

HE WAS LIKE...HE WAS A GOOD SPORT.

SO, UM, ANY CHINESE PEOPLE HERE?

( clapping )

ARE YOU REALLY CHINESE?

YOU EVER TRY TO GETCHINESE FOOD

AND THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH?

YOU NEVER HAVE?

YOU CALL THE CHINESE PLACE

AND THE SCARY PART IS

YOU KNOW THAT ( bleep )IS THE BEST GUY

IN THE WHOLE PLACEWITH THE LANGUAGE

AND HE BARELY SPEAKS ENGLISH.

JESUS CHRIST.

I'M YELLING AT THE GUYABOUT WHERE I LIVE.

I'M LIKE, "APARTMENT 4-A.'

4-A.

HE'S LIKE, "4-N, MISTER...

4-N."

I GO, "NO, 4-A-- LIKE APPLE."

HE'S LIKE,"HOW MANY APPLE YOU WANT?"

"YOU DON'T EVEN SELL APPLES."

"YOU COME PICK UP,YOU MISTER ANGRY."

I'M ALL SPACED-OUT.

I'M NOT HIGH.

I'M JUST TRYING TO FOLLOWWHAT'S GOING ON.

SO, UH, THERE'S...

ACTUALLY, I LIVE IN QUEENS.

ANYONE FROM QUEENS? YOU ARE?

WHAT PART?

Man:BAYSIDE.

( bleep ) I LIVE IN ASTORIA.

THEY'RE SELLING CRACKIN MY NEIGHBORHOOD...

FINALLY.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THAT WEWOULD NEVER GET A FRANCHISE.

WHEN YOU WANT CRACK,YOU WANT CRACK, AM I RIGHT?

SO MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION'SCOMING UP.

YOU KNOW, HIGH SCHOOL...

I'M SUPPOSED TO GOTO MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

I'M NOT GOING.HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS.

IS ANYONE IN HIGH SCHOOL?

MY HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR...

WHEN I GOT IN TROUBLEFOR GETTING HIGH

HE EXPLAINED, "KEVIN THESE ARETHE BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE

"SO YOU SHOULD ENJOY THEM."

I'M THINKING, "REALLY?

"THESE ARE THE BEST YEARSOF MY LIFE?

"I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.

"I DON'T HAVE A CAR.

"I'M A VIRGIN. I HAVE NO MONEY

"AND THESE ARE THE BEST YEARSOF MY LIFE?

"THEN KILL ME RIGHT NOW,ALL RIGHT?

"IF YOU KNOW FOR A FACTTHAT THESE ARE

THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE,KILL ME RIGHT NOW."

BUT HE WAS LYING 'CAUSEEVEN WHEN MY LIFE SUCKS NOW

IT'S BETTER THAN HIGH SCHOOL,AND SOMETIMES MY LIFE IS GOOD

AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE,TWO YEARS AGO

I WAS DRIVING THROUGH COLORADO

I WAS COMING OUT HEREON MY WAY FROM BACK EAST

AND I WAS DRIVINGWITH MY GIRLFRIEND

AND SHE STARTED LIKE...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS

IT'S KIND OF DIRTY,BUT SHE STARTED LIKE HAVING

GIVING ME, LIKE, SEX...

LIKE MONICA LEWINSKY STYLE.

YOU KNOWMONICA LEWINSKY-STYLE SEX?

AND I WAS LIKE,"THIS IS PRETTY GOOD."

AND I WAS DRIVING THROUGH...

I WAS LOOKING AT THE MOUNTAINSIN COLORADO

AND I WAS THINKING,"THIS IS BETTER THAN HIGH SCHOOL

"YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE,WAY BETTER THAN HIGH SCHOOL.

I WISH MY COUNSELORWAS IN THE CAR."

I'D BE LIKE, "ISN'T THIS BETTERTHAN HIGH SCHOOL?"

I MEAN, IT'S RIDICULOUS,AM I RIGHT?

THE ONE THING YOU NEVER WANTTO HEAR YOUR GIRLFRIEND SAY IS

"I'VE BEEN DOING A LOTOF THINKING."

AM I RIGHT? 'CAUSE THAT'S NEVERGOING TO BE FOLLOWED WITH

AND I GOT TO ( bleep )YOUR ( bleep ) MORE, YOU KNOW?

THAT IS NEVER, EVER...

THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

SO, ANYWAY,I WAS JUST IN IOWA...

YOU EVER BEEN TO IOWA?

ARE YOU FROM IOWA?

THEY COW TIP THERE.

THEY COW TIP.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

COWS SLEEP STANDING UP.

SO THESE KIDS GET DRUNK

THEN THEY PUSH OVERTHE SLEEPING COW

THEN THEY RUN FROM THE COW

LIKE THE COW'S GOINGTO CHASE THEM

LIKE A COW HAS CHASEDANYBODY EVER.

YOU COULD SHOOT A COW'S BROTHERIN THE FACE

AND HE WOULD BE LIKE,"MOO, I DON'T GIVE A ( bleep )."

I'M THINKING THE COWSDON'T CARE.

THEY'RE SLEEPING STANDING UP

SO WHEN YOU KNOCK THEM OVER,THEY'RE LIKE...

"OH... OH, THIS IS MUCH BETTER.

"THANK YOU, DRUNK STUDENTS."

I WAS JUST DOWN IN, UH...

YOU KNOW, DOWN SOUTH, YOU KNOW,I WAS JUST IN ARKANSAS.

THEY ALL HAVE GUNS DOWN THERE.

THEY ALL HAVE GUNS.

THE GUY PICKS ME UPFOR THE SHOW.

I GO, "WHAT DO YOUGOT A GUN FOR?"

HE GOES, "CONSTITUTION SAYSWE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEM."

THE CONSTITUTION SAYS...IT'S SUCH BULL.

THE CONSTITUTION SAYSWE HAVE A RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.

IT WAS WRITTEN 200 YEARS AGO;WE GOT AN ARMY, JETHRO. RELAX.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE DON'T NEED YOU ANYMOREFOR BACKUP.

IT'S LIKE WHEN PEOPLEQUOTE THE BIBLE:

"THE BIBLE SAYS THAT WE SHOULDDO THIS AND THAT."

THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN2,000 YEARS AGO

WHEN THE EARTH WAS FLAT AND YOUDID YOUR CLOTHES IN A RIVER.

SO DON'T BE QUOTING THE BIBLE.

AND JESUS DIDN'T EVEN WRITETHE BIBLE.

IT WAS WRITTEN BY JESUS' FRIENDS

AND YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FRIENDSARE ALL MORONS

AND THEY GOT THE STORIES WRONGALL THE TIME.

IT'S THE SAME WAY WITH THE BIBLE

"AND THEN JESUSWALKED ON WATER."

"NO, ( bleep ), YOU WERE DRUNK.

"NO, HE WAS IN A PUDDLE...

"WITH THOSE BIG SHOESTHAT HE WEARS.

"JESUS CHRIST," I SAYS.

WOMEN LOVE THAT LOVE STORY,BUT IT WAS BULL.

YOU KNOW, IT COULD NEVER HAPPEN.

REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS HANDCUFFEDAND HE WAS ABOUT TO DIE?

AND SHE COMES DOWN,AND SHE'S LIKE

"I HAVE TO GO SAVE HIM."

THEY JUST MET SEVEN MINUTESAGO BEFORE THAT.

GIRLS I MEET WON'T RETURNMY PHONE CALL.

THE ONLY PART I BELIEVEDWAS THE END OF THE MOVIE

WHEN SHE WOULDN'T MOVEHER ASS OVER

AND LET HIM ON THE RAFTWITH HER.

I MEAN, THIS IS BELIEVABLE;THIS COULD HAPPEN.

I'M SORRY TO BE SO...

SO CRUEL ABOUT IT,BUT THAT I COULD SEE HAPPENING.

YOU KNOW,I WAS ON THE ELEVATOR TODAY...

DO YOU GUYS HOLD ELEVATORSFOR PEOPLE?

DO YOU OR SOME OF YOU DO?

I NEVER DO, YOU KNOW.

I GUESS I'M SUPPOSED TO.

I JUST DON'T CARE--PLUS, I HAD IT BY MYSELF.

THE GUY'S RUNNINGFOR THE ELEVATOR.

HE'S LIKE, "HOLD THE ELEVATOR!HOLD THE ELEVATOR!

HOLD THE ELEVATOR!"

AND I JUST STOOD THERELIKE I WAS RETARDED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NO EYE CONTACT

JUST STARED STRAIGHT AHEAD.

BUT HE KEPT RUNNINGAND HE'S LIKE...

AND I'M LIKE, "( bleeping )."

'CAUSE I KNEW HE WASGOING TO CUT OFF.

AND THE DOORS OPEN,AND HE GETS ON WITH ME

I'M LIKE...

( nervous laughter )

I JUST STARED. I'D JUST, LIKE

STAND THERE PRETENDINGLIKE I'M PARALYZED.

I'M, LIKE, "HEY, COULD YOUHIT SEVEN FOR ME?

"BECAUSE I REALLY CAN'T...

"MOVE MY ARMS AT ALL."

I WENT TO GETMY LICENSE RENEWED.

YOU EVER GO TO THE D.M.V.?

THE D.M.V.-- IS THE LINELIKE REALLY BAD OUT HERE?

I WENT. THE LINE WAS,LIKE, FIVE HOURS LONG

AND THEN THE GUY BEHIND ME,WHENEVER I'D MOVE UP

HE WOULD MOVE UPSO THAT HE WAS TOUCHING ME.

NOW THE POINT IS THERE'S NOREASON FOR HIM TO TOUCH ME.

HE SEES WHERE THE LINE'S GOING.

THERE'S NO TRICKY CURVES.

IT'S NOT DISNEYLAND.

BUT I MOVE UP. HE MOVES UP.

SO I GIVE HIM A DIRTY LOOK.

THAT DIDN'T WORK.

SO THEN I PUT MY ARMSOUT BEHIND MY BACK

PRETEND I'M STRETCHING.

THAT WASN'T WORKING,SO THEN I DID THAT.

I SAW MYSELF IN THE MIRROR.

I LOOKED LIKE A FREAK.I DIDN'T CARE.

INSTEAD OF, LIKE, TELLINGTHE GUY TO BACK OFF

I STARTED TO DO, LIKE,A MICK JAGGER... IMPRESSION.

BY THE TIME I GOT TO THE FRONT

I WAS SPAZZING OUT SO BAD,THEY GAVE ME HANDICAP PLATES

SO, NOW... I CAN PARK ANYWHERE.

THEY ALWAYS...

THEY ALWAYS TELL YOU,"DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE."

YOU GUYS DRINKING?

WELL, DON'T DRINK AND DRIVEUNLESS YOU GOT TO GET HOME FAST.

SERIOUSLY,DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE.

THEY ALWAYS TELL YOUUSE A DESIGNATED DRIVER.

HAVE YOU TRIED THAT--DESIGNATED DRIVER?

IT'S DANGEROUS. I TRIED IT ONCE.

I WAS DESIGNATED DRIVER.

I'M SOBER.MY FRIENDS ARE ALL DRUNK.

AS SOON AS I TOOK OFF, ONEOF THEM DID THIS TO ME, RIGHT?

WHICH IS NOT GOOD.

I MEAN, IT'S REALLY BAD,AND IF YOU'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND YOU'RE TOO DRUNKTO DRIVE HOME

THEY TELL YOUTO CALL YOUR PARENTS.

YOU KNOW, THEY DIDN'T HAVE THISWHEN I WAS AROUND

BUT, IF I HAD WOKE UP MY DAD

AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING

AND TOLD HIM HE HADTO COME PICK ME UP

'CAUSE I WAS TOO DRUNKTO DRIVE HOME...

MY DAD WOULD HAVE SAID,"WELL, TRY ANYWAY.

"HOW MANY BEERS HAVE YOU HAD?

"SIX? WHAT ARE YOU A ( bleep )?

"GET IN THAT CAR...

"PICK UP YOUR MOMON THE WAY HOME."

Loading...