Davidson, Washburn, Gonzales, Tate, Judge, Desai, Dore

  • Season 3, Ep 0304
  • 06/09/2007

The name is Bengt.

And it's spelled B-E-N-G-T.Swedish.

In Sweden,you would say "Bengt."

In Utah, where I am from,we never pronounce the "G,"

which is how I getmy street name, "Silent G."

And, uh...

It's kind of rude, but, um...

No street cred at all. None.

Is it the Back to School Salesweater?

Is that...? All right.

Swedish name. Yeah...

Raising a child in Utah

with a name that's popularin Sweden was so...

My mom's parenting strategy--all part of the plan--

"I don't want my kidshaving to worry

"about sharing their names

with other kidsin their class at school."

And mission accomplished.

Yeah. In fact...In fact, I'm the only Bengt

in the Western Hemisphere.

And my brother Tafuth?

Yeah! He got screwed, didn't he?

Tafuth. Ancient Welsh for David.

Tafuth. Ancient... Are there any Tafuths here?

No. I know there aren't.I did a Google search, okay?

Hasn't been a Tafuthin 800 years.

There... there are no Tafuthsin this world other than...

Not even inthe World of Warcraft.

Ancient Welsh.

My mom dug up a prehistoric namefrom a dead language.

Who does that?

"Well, we were goingto go with Thog,

but then we had a boy."

It was a weird family.

Oh, you guys been there or what?

That's cool, man.That was fun, man.

There's a lot of Americansliving over there.

I went into a liquor store,there was a white guy sweeping.

I was, like,"Hey, bro, you work here?"

He was, like,"Yeah. I got warrants."

The Mexicans over therestarted complaining.

"Hey, the white peopleare coming over here

"and taking our jobs.

We should build a wall, homes."

And I flew over there,and I wasn't scared.

I knew there wasn't goingto be terrorists on the plane

'cause terrorists are notgoing to blow up Mexico.

There is nothingto blow up over there.

What are they going to blow up?Corona factories?

If they do that, Mexicanswill go to war in a heartbeat.

"Go get them, man!

Now we gotta drink Dos Equis!"

And the first wave of people

they will send over therewill be women.

Women will find Osama bin Ladenin a heartbeat.

They find everything else.

"Whose hair is this?

"Whose hair?I found it in the haystack.

Whose hair is it?"

Women will mess upOsama bin Laden's stuff

when he's in jail.

They will key his camel.


Sorry about that.

They will callhis ex-girlfriends.

"He's an (bleep), huh?

Yeah, I got your numberfrom heh-heh-heh."

And then I flew back,and that's when I noticed

there's advantagesto being short.

Like, the bathroom ofthe airplane-- I fit in there.

Like, tall people,you don't fit in there, huh?

Your knees are hittingthe door right there.

You gotta go in backwards.Not me.

That's, like, my living room.I'm, like, whoo!

This flight is taking forever.

Let me wash my hands.

The only thing thatsucks is Halloween.

My friends always know it's me.

Like tall people, you canfool your friends. Huh?

When you go to the party, youget dressed up,

everybody's, like,"Damn, who's Batman?"

"I don't know, but there's Noe."

Last year, I dressed upas King Kong.

My friends came up to me,

"Hey, you're Curious George,huh, bro?"

(cheering and applause)

All right. What's up?

Any other short people in here?

Make some noise!Short people in the house?

(cheering and applause)

All right. All the womenclapped. Thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

So I stopped drinking, man,because I get violent.

I start head-butting peoplein the balls.

I go to a bar, two drinks--"What are you looking at?!"

So, I just broke upwith my girlfriend.

It was hardbecause she had cable.

Guys, you gotta watch out, man.

Women will check up onlineto see where you been on.

I didn't know you could do that.

I thought, once you turnedthe computer off,

wherever you werein the past disappeared.

No. They got the cookies.What is that?

My ex-girlfriend

was, like, "Noe, can I talkto you for a sec? Come here."

She was, like, ready to fight,too-- "Come here.

"What were you doing last nightonline, huh?

"Where were you,last night, online?"

I was, like, "Last night,I was on NASDAQ.com."

"Oh, really?I have it right here.

"So who went on Big BlackButts-- the Website?"

I was, like,"Oh, that was a pop-up.

'Cause, when you go on NASDAQ,it pops up all the time."

"Oh, really?It popped up 75 times?

"Then it downloadedthe free preview video?

"And then they madea bunch of DVDs?

I found them."

(scattered cheers)


All right.

This is New York City.I feel like I'm in the future.

Wow. What happened?

Where are we doing?

What's ha... what... what'sgoing on, you know what I mean?

Like Cincinnati, we're a littlebehind the times.

Just a bit, you knowwhat I mean?

Like if you want to know whatit's like to live in Cincinnati,

just think what you were doingfor fun, like, ten years ago,

'cause that's whatwe're doing now.

You know, if you're nostalgic

and you want to just hang outand wear your Starter jacket,

come on over,we're not gonna...

We're not making fun.

I got one, too, you knowwhat I mean?

You want to hang outwith a bunch of people

who are still hoping Ross andRachel finally get together.

Hey, we don't know either.

I hope they do. Them kids,I hope they...

We still think Bushis just a (bleep) band.

We got no idea.

I bought my wife a puppy dogfor Christmas.

It's an all-black,eight-week-old

Cocker Spaniel puppy.It's so cute.

She said it wasthe best Christmas ever.

Which is weird 'causetwo Christmases ago,

I proposed to her.

Damn it.

Could have just bought hera dog.

Who knew? I overshot.

It's all guesswork.

But at least she said yes.

We got married about a year ago.

We had a big Catholic wedding,which is a lot of fun

'cause I wasn't Catholic...

at the time.

Yeah, I'm Catholic now.

I had to switch teams.She made me.

I had to also be Catholicso we could have

the full Catholic ceremony,

and that was, apparently,an issue.

She was real nervousto ask me to.

I didn't care,but she was nervous.

She was real tentative, like,

"Are you gonna be okaywith this?"

I was, like, "I'll be fine.

"I don't go to church.I really don't care

what church I don't go to."

Yeah. Looks like I'm not going

to a Catholic churchfor a while.

I will do that for us.

I haven't been to a gym sinceI graduated from gym. Yeah.

That was 15 years ago.

I'm on TV. I lost ten poundsjust so I'd look this fat.

That doesn't seem fair.

I look at myself, this is whatI want to look like,

so 15 pounds later,lots of sweatin'.

No, I didn't do any of that.

I ate a couple whole pizzas.Why not?

Yeah, I don't work out.

It's usually not a problem.

I'm not in great shape,but it's never an issue.

But sometimes when it is,it's an issue.

You know what I mean?Like, it comes up quick.

Bad timing. I hurt my legthe other night having sex.

My right one.My hamstring cramped up on me

right in the middle of it.

I was, like, "Uh! Ooh!Good God!

"What was that?


You get that, like, "Uh-oh,this doesn't usually happen."

I was trying to be nonchalantabout it, you know?

Stretch my leg out underthe covers, curl my toes.

"Please, work!"

Nothing worked,so I finally said out loud,

I was, like, "My leg hurts."

And then my wife goes, "Uh, whydon't you just get on top?"



What are you, new?

That's not gonna help,you know what I mean?

Now I'm just gonna embarrassmyself along with the leg cramp.

That's not gonna work.She knows that, too.

I'll get up there,she'll be, like,

"Why are your arms shaking?"

I bet if you thought about itfor a second,

you could solve this case,Nancy Drew.

It's all context clues.

You know what? Maybe it hassomething to do with the fact

that I weigh a quarter-of-a-thousand pounds, yeah.

And I've been doing a pushupfor 15 minutes.

I am not a superhero.

The only way this is gonna besuccessful is if I can rig up

a system of ropes and pulleysoff the ceiling.

Strap on some counterweightsand a hand crank

and then a full-body harness,you know?

Like a fat hammock, like whenyou're trying to put a whale

onto a boat. One of those?

And then slowly lower myselfdown from the ceiling...

like I'm Tom Cruise...

in Missionary Impossible.

their bodies is hard for me tounderstand,

partly because I'm bisexual.

But people don't get it, they'realways, like, "Oh, my God,

"Erin, you're bisexual, it's socrazy, you have so many choices,

"how do you deal with it,so many choices being bisexual,

it's so crazy, so many choices."

Okay, two. Right?

Dudes, chicks.

Dudes are dumb, chicks are nuts.

I have two choices:

stupid, crazy.


Like, with a woman,I end up saying stuff like,

"Honey, please stop crying.

"When I said 'I love you,' I didnot mean to sound sarcastic.

"I don't know, 'I love you'?

"'I-I-I love you.'

No, honey,don't cut yourself. Honey."

But with dudes,it's much more like...

"Don't pee on that."



"Could you not pee on that?That is mine.

Get your own boob."

(laughter)Thank you guys so much.

I grew up with a "cool mom."

Anybody here have a "cool mom"growing up, you know? Yeah.

(cheering)Like, my mom was the kind of mom

who showed me how to put thecondom on the banana, you know?

Which was good-- because mostof the bananas I've had sex with

had, like, no ideahow to do it themselves.


My dad had a differentapproach, though.

When I was nine years old,he sat he me down,

he was, like,"Erin, you ain't having sex

until somebody finds a curefor all the STD's."

I was, like, "Okay.

Could I have a chemistry set?"


The other kids would be, like,"You wanna play house?"

I'd be, like,"No, I want to play

double-blind clinical trial."


There's a lot of bad datingadvice in women's magazines.

I was looking at Cosmo.

It had this thing, it was, like,

(soft, sexy voice): "Ten Ways toDrive Your Man Crazy."


Number four was: "Make timeto have sex with your man."


Boys like sex?


You know a great wayto drive your man crazy?

Don't make time to have sex

with your man.

You know another way?

Once a week,take one of his socks,

throw it away.


Dear Cosmopolitan, I gotthis clock that ticks real loud,

and I hid itunder the floorboards.

It is slowly

driving my man crazy.


There was thisother thing in Cosmo,

it was, like, a weight-losscalculator, you know,

and I did the math,and it turns out that

if I start losingten pounds a month,

then I only haveabout a year to live.


And I don't haveto worry about it anymore,

'cause I'll be dead and skinny.

(laughter, scattered clapping)

No. I used to worryabout that stuff,

but now I accept what it isthat I look like,

you know, which is a supermodel.

(applause, whooping)

From 500 years ago.


Seriously, I've got, like,the red hair and the pale skin

and the... and the...

the hips.

Yeah, I'm basicallyyour whole circa-1508

hotty package up here.

So what I did was, I got ridof the scale in my bathroom

and replaced it with a giant...


(laughter, whooping)

I look good on my shell.

but I still haveto have a day job,

and I don't really likemy day job,

so I've been tryingto look for a new job,

which means you have to go

on all these job interviews,and, uh...

Those thingsaren't a lot of fun.

I don't think anybody likes 'em.

'Cause they always ask youthe same sort of stupid,

insincere questions, you know,and you got to give

the same sort of stupid,insincere answers.

Like, one question they aska lot is, what's your

greatest strength and what'syour greatest weakness.

And you're supposed to saythe same thing for both.

You're supposed to be, like,"Well, my greatest strength

"is that I'ma really good listener.

My greatest weakness is,sometimes I listen too well."

And then they're supposed to be,

like, "This guy must be thegreatest listener of all time.

He just said it twice."

And I've just been on...

I've been on way too manyjob interviews lately,

and I kept getting thatquestion, and finally I just

got sick of it, and I startedsaying ridiculous stuff,

like, "Mr. Desai,what's your greatest strength

and what'syour greatest weakness?"

"My greatest strengthis that I'm punctual.

"My greatest weakness

"is cheesecake, girlfriend!


(applause)I, uh, I got the job.

I got the job.

I'm an attractive young hostess

at The Cheesecake Factoryin Beverly Hills.

You should come by.

Uh, I watch... I watch TV.

I think everybody watches TV.

One thing I see a lot on TVare local news previews.

The thing about local

news previews,they're always trying

to scare you intowatching later, you know?

They're always like, uh,"Tune in tonight at 11:00

to find out what might be inyour home heating insulation."

You know? And then you watch,and they're, like,

"It's foam, you stupid jerk,and it's supposed

to be there anyway."

Now, I don't...I don't have a lot of friends,

so whenever they call me, Ijust take a page from local news

and I try to scare theminto calling me more.

They'll be, like, "Hey, Raj,I'll talk to you later."

I'm, like, "Yeah, man,I'll talk to you later,

"but why don't you give mea call tonight at 11:00

to find out what I've beenputting in your drinking water."

"It's just, uh,just a little Crystal Light.

It's no big deal."

(laughter)I also see all these,uh, TV drama previews,

and the thing aboutTV drama previews is,

they never want you to believewhat's gonna happen that night.

They're always, like,"On an all-new Law & Order,

you won't believe, you won'tbelieve it this week, people."

And I kind of believe it,like I believe there's gonna be

a middle-aged male D.A.and a super hot lady D.A.,

and they're gonna figure out

what happenedby the end of the episode.

And that's why I'd like to seesome TV drama previews

you actually wouldn't believe,like, uh, "On an all-new

Las Vegas you won't believe,somebody reads a book."

(laughter)"On an all-new

"Desperate Housewivesyou have to see to believe,

"the women get togetherto debate whether or not

Turkey should be admittedto the European Union."

Guys, just keep in mind,not a lot of comedians

can make humor out ofinternational trade regulation.

(laughter, applause)Uh, enjoy that.


I don't know about you guys,but I really enjoy the election,

because it means

you'll get to seenegative campaign ads.

And those things arethe greatest thing in the world,

'cause they're always the same

and they're always stupid.

They always havethat same, like,

skeptical tattletalevoice-over guy, you know,

who's, like, uh,"Steve Westley said

"he was gonna do this...

"and then he didn't do it.

He's a smelly jerk."

And he probably is one

if he didn't dowhat he said he was gonna do.

And I read aboutone negative campaign ad

in the last election--this is totally true.

There was a womanrunning for office,

and they were, like,"Diane Buchanan

never sent her childrento public school."

But she doesn't haveany children.

She doesn't even have any.

And then...and then they were, like,

"Diane Buchanan didn't votefor Proposition 42

when she wason the school board."

But she wasn't evenon the school board

when that wasunder consideration.

So now they'rejust blaming people

for things that aretechnically accurate

but completely impossibleat the same time.

And that is a really good trend.

There should be more adslike that-- like, uh,

"Steve Westley didn't even havethe guts to call for a truce

"between Athens and Spartaduring the Peloponnesian War.

"And he didn't lift a fingerwhile the Black Plague

"ravaged early modern Europe.

Is this who you wantfor your governor?"

Are you guys fansof music?(cheering)

It's not bad, eh?

I, uh...

I'm going to... I'm going toperform a song for you.

This is a songabout World War II.

And it's abouta homosexual Nazi.

And it's... it's called...

"Schindler's Lisp."

(strums steady rhythm)

It needs lyrics. Uh...

(laughter and applause)

I know, I know, I know.

It could... it could usesome words,

but no question,that's a good song.

I got, uh... I got drunkout of my mind

a couple nights ago, and...

MAN:Yeah!(audience hooting)


Uh, and, uh, so drunk that...I'm not trying to be gross

when I say this, but when I gothome from the bar

I had to go straightto the toilet

and just... (retching sound).

Which pissed off my roommate

because I got puke all overhis precious crotch.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, exactly.

Leave the lights on

at night while you are (bleep).


Learn something.

Learn something tonight.



I, uh...

I used to be...

I used to be in a relationship

and I had to endthe relationship

because I was living with a girl

who always wanted to make thebest out of a bad situation,

but in a really annoying way.

Like the power went outin our apartment building

and she completely freaked out.

So I said, "Honey, relax.

Tonight, tonight we'll partylike it's 1799."

Which I thought was just kindof cute,

but here's the annoying part--she takes it seriously.

She said, "Oh, my God,that's a great idea.

"Let's do that.I'll help us cope.

"We'll play a game-- we'llpretend like it's 1799.

"We'll pretend that there'shorses and carriages outside.

"Every activity we chooseto do tonight

"has to have taken placein 1799.

We'll startby lighting candles."

And I said,"Whoa, you don't get to vote."



"But what we can do

"is start making some young'uns

"to help us withthe harvest.

"Get over here! Yeah!

Let's do this! Come on!"

(cheering)"You want a little bit?"

(cheering and applause)

I know.

Yes, yes, I work out,yes, I do.


That's the end of my set.

and it's an accomplishmentI've just made in my life,

and I want to share itwith you.

I'm very proud of this.

My dad has been nagging meand nagging me

about quitting smoking.

So finally, I punched himin the (bleep) throat.


No, you got to wait,

you got to wait, all right?

Leave me alone.

My, uh... Oh, I'm getting atattoo, by the way.

That's something we canget excited about.

I'm getting another tattoo.

But here's the thing, I'mgetting older now,

so I don't want to get a tattooI'm going to regret,

'cause I know tattoosare forever.

So that's why I've decided

I'm going to geta very classy tattoo.

I'm going to get a bowtieon my neck.


'Cause number one-- it'll match

my suspenders tattoothat I already have.

But more importantly,with a bowtie tattoo

I'm going to look dressed upwhen I'm naked.

So after sex,I'll get to do this.

(clearing throat)

"Get out."

(laughter and applause)

Last week I went outwith a lovely lady.

And I used the date rape drugfor the first time.

But you know what...

it just made me really tired,like...


I'm not taking thatpill again, like...

Partway through the dateI'm getting drowsy.

I'm not going to getany raping done like this.

I'm exhausted.




Um, I'm ending a friendship.

Uh, this girl I know, uh,

she moved to England for threemonths, right?

That's it-- she was only therefor three months.

She's been back for overa year now,

and she is still speaking withher acquired British accent.

Which is annoying,if you know anyone like that.

Um, but here's the thing.I looked it up...

I don't know if you know anyonethat's ever gone to England

and come back with the accent.

I looked it up. Did you knowthat it's actually a condition?

Yeah, she's retarded.

(laughter)I had no idea.


Sad, sad.And she's faking the accent.

I can provethat she's faking it.

Anyone that goes to England,

comes back with that coolaccent, they're faking it.

And here's how I can prove it.

Because I traveled for threemonths once,

but when I got back,this didn't happen.

"Hey, Jon, welcome home, buddy.Tell us, how was China?"

(Chinese accent): "Oh, you know,it good time for sure, yeah.

"You need to go for long time.

"You want see whole Great Wall.It's huge, it goes forever.

"Anyway, I need to go.Can you drive?

I'm no good no more."


Oh, my God.

You people are racist.

Um, if I say anything racist,by the way,

just let me know, okay-K-K?

And then we're completelyin the clear.

in a weird culture, too.

I grew up Mormon,which is weird, I know,

apparently, to you.

I can tell. I can tell. Uh...

Growing up Mormon, though,not any weirder

than growing up Amish.

Okay, that was a joke!Did you see that?

That should have been a joke!

But the whole room,"You know, that's about right."

Why is he slippingan accurate analogy

into the comedy show?I'm confused...

People hear Mormon, they thinkbicycles, polygamy... Rules.

That's the thing about growingup Mormon-- lots of rules.

No drinking, no smoking,no premarital sex,

and the oh-so-logical no coffee.

That's not weird.That's logical. Think about it.

You can't drink,you can't smoke,

you can't have sex.Why stay awake? Really.

A lot of rules. Had to keep...A lot of things

you can't do growing up Mormon.A lot of things

you kind of have to do.Like when I turned 19.

When I turned 19,they gave me a suit,

ten-speed bike,and sent me to Seattle,

where I knockedon strangers' doors,

brought up religionwith strangers.

And you know what I learned?

When you knockon a stranger's door,

anything's a better icebreakerthan religion.

Anything.Sex, politics, anything.

"Would you look at my rash?"

"Uh... sure. Come on in.What the hell?

For a second there, we thoughtyou boys were Mormons."

That's when I found outyou think we're weird.

Growing up in Utah,I didn't know we were weird.

Everyone was Mormon,the whole town.

"Coffee evil" seemed normal,

'cause the whole town thoughtcoffee was evil.

When the whole town is doingsomething weird,

it's not weird. It's normal.

One persondoing something weird,

yeah, that's just a nut,but a group of people

doing something weird,that's a church.