Davidson, Washburn, Gonzales, Tate, Judge, Desai, Dore

  • Season 3, Ep 304
  • 06/09/2007

Tommy Davidson describes moms in the grocery store, Raj Desai talks about unbelievable TV drama previews, and Jon Dore decides to get a classy tattoo.

Oh, you guys been there or what?

That's cool, man.That was fun, man.

There's a lot of Americansliving over there.

I went into a liquor store,there was a white guy sweeping.

I was, like,"Hey, bro, you work here?"

He was, like,"Yeah. I got warrants."

The Mexicans over therestarted complaining.

"Hey, the white peopleare coming over here

"and taking our jobs.

We should build a wall, homes."

And I flew over there,and I wasn't scared.

I knew there wasn't goingto be terrorists on the plane

'cause terrorists are notgoing to blow up Mexico.

There is nothingto blow up over there.

What are they going to blow up?Corona factories?

If they do that, Mexicanswill go to war in a heartbeat.

"Go get them, man!

Now we gotta drink Dos Equis!"

And the first wave of people

they will send over therewill be women.

Women will find Osama bin Ladenin a heartbeat.

They find everything else.

"Whose hair is this?

"Whose hair?I found it in the haystack.

Whose hair is it?"

Women will mess upOsama bin Laden's stuff

when he's in jail.

They will key his camel.


Sorry about that.

They will callhis ex-girlfriends.

"He's an (bleep), huh?

Yeah, I got your numberfrom heh-heh-heh."

And then I flew back,and that's when I noticed

there's advantagesto being short.

Like, the bathroom ofthe airplane-- I fit in there.

Like, tall people,you don't fit in there, huh?

Your knees are hittingthe door right there.

You gotta go in backwards.Not me.

That's, like, my living room.I'm, like, whoo!

This flight is taking forever.

Let me wash my hands.

The only thing thatsucks is Halloween.

My friends always know it's me.

Like tall people, you canfool your friends. Huh?

When you go to the party, youget dressed up,

everybody's, like,"Damn, who's Batman?"

"I don't know, but there's Noe."

Last year, I dressed upas King Kong.

My friends came up to me,

"Hey, you're Curious George,huh, bro?"

(cheering and applause)

All right. What's up?

Any other short people in here?

Make some noise!Short people in the house?

(cheering and applause)

All right. All the womenclapped. Thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

So I stopped drinking, man,because I get violent.

I start head-butting peoplein the balls.

I go to a bar, two drinks--"What are you looking at?!"

So, I just broke upwith my girlfriend.

It was hardbecause she had cable.

Guys, you gotta watch out, man.

Women will check up onlineto see where you been on.

I didn't know you could do that.

I thought, once you turnedthe computer off,

wherever you werein the past disappeared.

No. They got the cookies.What is that?

My ex-girlfriend

was, like, "Noe, can I talkto you for a sec? Come here."

She was, like, ready to fight,too-- "Come here.

"What were you doing last nightonline, huh?

"Where were you,last night, online?"

I was, like, "Last night,I was on NASDAQ.com."

"Oh, really?I have it right here.

"So who went on Big BlackButts-- the Website?"

I was, like,"Oh, that was a pop-up.

'Cause, when you go on NASDAQ,it pops up all the time."

"Oh, really?It popped up 75 times?

"Then it downloadedthe free preview video?

"And then they madea bunch of DVDs?

I found them."

Are you guys fansof music?(cheering)

It's not bad, eh?

I, uh...

I'm going to... I'm going toperform a song for you.

This is a songabout World War II.

And it's abouta homosexual Nazi.

And it's... it's called...

"Schindler's Lisp."

(strums steady rhythm)

It needs lyrics. Uh...

(laughter and applause)

I know, I know, I know.

It could... it could usesome words,

but no question,that's a good song.

I got, uh... I got drunkout of my mind

a couple nights ago, and...

MAN:Yeah!(audience hooting)


Uh, and, uh, so drunk that...I'm not trying to be gross

when I say this, but when I gothome from the bar

I had to go straightto the toilet

and just... (retching sound).

Which pissed off my roommate

because I got puke all overhis precious crotch.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, exactly.

Leave the lights on

at night while you are (bleep).


Learn something.

Learn something tonight.



I, uh...

I used to be...

I used to be in a relationship

and I had to endthe relationship

because I was living with a girl

who always wanted to make thebest out of a bad situation,

but in a really annoying way.

Like the power went outin our apartment building

and she completely freaked out.

So I said, "Honey, relax.

Tonight, tonight we'll partylike it's 1799."

Which I thought was just kindof cute,

but here's the annoying part--she takes it seriously.

She said, "Oh, my God,that's a great idea.

"Let's do that.I'll help us cope.

"We'll play a game-- we'llpretend like it's 1799.

"We'll pretend that there'shorses and carriages outside.

"Every activity we chooseto do tonight

"has to have taken placein 1799.

We'll startby lighting candles."

And I said,"Whoa, you don't get to vote."



"But what we can do

"is start making some young'uns

"to help us withthe harvest.

"Get over here! Yeah!

Let's do this! Come on!"

(cheering)"You want a little bit?"

(cheering and applause)

I know.

Yes, yes, I work out,yes, I do.


That's the end of my set.

and it's an accomplishmentI've just made in my life,

and I want to share itwith you.

I'm very proud of this.

My dad has been nagging meand nagging me

about quitting smoking.

So finally, I punched himin the (bleep) throat.


No, you got to wait,

you got to wait, all right?

Leave me alone.

My, uh... Oh, I'm getting atattoo, by the way.

That's something we canget excited about.

I'm getting another tattoo.

But here's the thing, I'mgetting older now,

so I don't want to get a tattooI'm going to regret,

'cause I know tattoosare forever.

So that's why I've decided

I'm going to geta very classy tattoo.

I'm going to get a bowtieon my neck.


'Cause number one-- it'll match

my suspenders tattoothat I already have.

But more importantly,with a bowtie tattoo

I'm going to look dressed upwhen I'm naked.

So after sex,I'll get to do this.

(clearing throat)

"Get out."

(laughter and applause)

Last week I went outwith a lovely lady.

And I used the date rape drugfor the first time.

But you know what...

it just made me really tired,like...


I'm not taking thatpill again, like...

Partway through the dateI'm getting drowsy.

I'm not going to getany raping done like this.

I'm exhausted.




Um, I'm ending a friendship.

Uh, this girl I know, uh,

she moved to England for threemonths, right?

That's it-- she was only therefor three months.

She's been back for overa year now,

and she is still speaking withher acquired British accent.

Which is annoying,if you know anyone like that.

Um, but here's the thing.I looked it up...

I don't know if you know anyonethat's ever gone to England

and come back with the accent.

I looked it up. Did you knowthat it's actually a condition?

Yeah, she's retarded.

(laughter)I had no idea.


Sad, sad.And she's faking the accent.

I can provethat she's faking it.

Anyone that goes to England,

comes back with that coolaccent, they're faking it.

And here's how I can prove it.

Because I traveled for threemonths once,

but when I got back,this didn't happen.

"Hey, Jon, welcome home, buddy.Tell us, how was China?"

(Chinese accent): "Oh, you know,it good time for sure, yeah.

"You need to go for long time.

"You want see whole Great Wall.It's huge, it goes forever.

"Anyway, I need to go.Can you drive?

I'm no good no more."


Oh, my God.

You people are racist.

Um, if I say anything racist,by the way,

just let me know, okay-K-K?

And then we're completelyin the clear.