Slap-Ass

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 10/02/2013

Two slaves try to find a way out of fighting to the death, and a member of a Latin gang proves his toughness.

- [clears throat]

HEY, BUDDY.- HEY, MY DUDE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?- OKAY, WE GOT THE--

- IT'S GOOD TO SEE--I'M SORRY,

I'M TALKINGAT THE SAME TIME AS YOU.

- OKAY, GO AHEAD.- YOU GO AHEAD AND TALK.

I'M SORRY, GO AHEAD.- NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT, I--

- [stammers]

- GO--- ARE YOU TALKING RIGHT NOW?

- YEAH, I'M TRYING TO--

- GO AHEAD.- ALL RIGHT, THIS IS--

- GO AHEAD.- OKAY, GO AHEAD.

- TRY TO NOT--UM--- I'M JUST--I'M GONNA TALK

AND YOU JUST KEEP--OKAY.- NO, IT'S YOU.

- I'M SORRY.- NO.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO...- IT'S JUST THAT MY INTERNET

CONNECTION'S A LITTLE WEAK--UGH.- AND THEN YOU JUST--GOSH.

- ARE YOU TALKING RIGHT NOW?- I'M--NO.

- ARE YOU TALKING RIGHT NOW?- I THINK--I CAN'T TELL

IF IT'S A DELAY--- GOD DAMN IT.

- [bleep].- OKAY.

- YOU GO FIRST, AND SPEAK...- I'LL TALK, AND THEN

YOU START--NO.- AND THEN--NO.

- W-WHAT'S THAT?- WHAT?

WAIT. WHAT?

[bleep]!- GOD DAMN IT!

- I CAN'T [bleep] BELIEVE THIS.NOT TODAY!

- YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!- NOT [bleep] TODAY!

- RIDICULOUS!

- GOTTA HAVETHIS CONVERSATION!

[bleep]! [bleep]!- OKAY, OKAY.

- OKAY, DID THE DELAY COME BACK,OR ARE YOU--DID YOU CATCH UP?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?LET'S JUST LAY BACK, JUST CALM.

- YOU HAVEN'T [bleep] CAUGHT UP,OR WE WOULDN'T BE

TALKING AT THE SAME TIME.- WOW.

- GOD DAMN IT!- NO.

- OKAY, LISTEN--OKAY, LISTEN...- OKAY, HERE'S THE THING--

- WE GOTTA STOP TRYINGTO TALK AT THE SAME TIME...

- LET ME JUST GET--- AND TRY TO MAKE--

- OKAY.- OR THIS CONVERSATION...

- OKAY--ARE--ALL RIGHT, FINE.- IT'S GONNA JUST GO ON...

FOREVER.- IF--I CAN'T GET OUT OF IT.

- OKAY, I CAN'T--LISTEN--- THEN THAT'S RIDICULOUS, I'M--

I'M--THAT--NO.

- WHAT A BUNCH OF--GOD, HELP ME, PLEASE!

- THERE'S ONLY ONE THINGWE CAN DO, OKAY?

- I CAN'T!- THERE'S ONLY ONE THING

WE CAN DO.- NO, LISTEN TO ME!

- YEAH, WE--WE GOT--- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET

OUT OF THIS!- WELL, THEN WE GOT TO END IT.

WE--I GOT TO END IT.- I GOT TO END THIS!

- I CAN'T--- I GOT TO END THIS!

- I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!- I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

- OKAY, FINE!- I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!

- THEN WE'RE GONNA END IT.

OKAY, WE'RE GONNA TO END--- I GOT TO--

- K--KEEGAN?

KEEGAN, I'M GONNA END IT.YOU'RE FROZEN, I CAN'T TELL--

WE'RE GONNA END IT,OKAY?

I JUST DON'T WANT YOUTO BE OFFENDED.

ENDING IT, AND--OH!

OH, HE REALLY MEANT"END IT."

- WELL,ALL RIGHT, FRIENDS.

THE FIRST FIGHT OF THE EVENINGWILL FEATURE

ONE OF MY SLAVESVERSUS ONE OF THE SLAVES

OF MY DISTINGUISHED GUEST,MR. JACOB DIXON.

- [chuckles]YOU KNOW, ROBERT,

I HOPE YOU'RE AS GRACIOUSA LOSER AS YOU ARE A HOST.

[laughter]

- ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH TALK.[snaps fingers]

[sighs]NOW...

FIGHT, YOU DEVILS!FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

- [chuckles]

- HEY.- HEY.

UM, QUESTION.- MM-HMM?

- [chuckles]

HOW DO WE GETOUT OF THIS THING ALIVE?

- IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.JUST LET ME PRETEND TO KILL YOU.

- HMM.

MAYBE IT JUST MAKES MORE SENSEIF I PRETEND TO KILL YOU.

YEAH.- YEAH, I JUST--

- I WANT TO MAKE ITBELIEVABLE, SO...

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WAS--THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING FOR TOO.

- REALLY?- WHAT THE BLAZES

IS GOING ON OVER THEREIN THAT ENDLESS CLINCH?

TEAR HIM APART!

- OKAY, LET'S--- OH! YOU GET--MM!

[both grunting dramatically]

- SO JUST--JUST DIE FROM THIS.

- FROM THIS? UM, JUST--- [grunts]

- YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST--SOMETHING DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT,

SO IF I COULD JUST--IF I JUST--

LET ME--GO WITH ME HERE.- OKAY. OH.

OH.[both growling]

- YUP, THAT WAS IT, THAT WAS IT.THIS FEELS MUCH MORE REAL.

SO--- REALLY? WHAT? WHY?

- UM, SORRY,WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHY?"

- FIGHT! MY GOD!

- OH.

- I-I'M GETTINGFRUSTRATED NOW.

- DAMN IT, KILL!

[both grunting]

- NOPE, NOT A THING.NOT A THING.

- NOT A THING?OKAY, LET ME JUST GET--

MM, I'M GONNA GET HIM.I GOT HIM.

- LET ME GET YOU, THOUGH.- JUST LET ME GET YOU, THOUGH.

- NO, LET ME GET YOU.- NO, LET ME GET YOU.

- IT WAS MY IDEA,SO CAN I DO IT FIRST?

- LET ME GET YOU.- LET ME GET YOU, THOUGH.

- LET ME GET YOU.- JUST FOR, LIKE, A SECOND.

WILL YOU JUST LET ME GET YOUFOR A SECOND, PLEASE?

- LET ME GET YOU.LET ME GET YOU!

- STOP FIGHTING LIKE SISSIESAND KILL EACH OTHER!

- OKAY.- ALL RIGHT.

[both grunting]

- OKAY, CHECK THIS OUT.- YEAH, MM-HMM.

- ALL RIGHT,WE'LL BACK UP,

- MM-HMM.- AND YOU RUN AT ME REAL FAST,

JUST DO A BUNCH OF SPINS,AND KICKS, AND FLOURISHES,

AND I'LL JUST KNOCK YOU OUT,ONE PUNCH, AND THEN YOU'RE DEAD.

- GREAT, OKAY--NO, WAIT, WAIT, WHAT?

I'M SORRY, SO YOU CAN LOOK COOL?NO, THANK YOU.

- IF SOMEONE DOESN'T DIE SOON,I WILL KILL YOU BOTH.

- THANK YOU.

- [grunting] AH!- OHH!

- AH, THAT'S MY BOY!

- [grunts]- OHH!

- [grunts]AH!

- OH--AHH!

- YOU ARE NOT GETTING STRONGERFROM MY PUNCHES.

- YES, I AM, THOUGH!- LISTEN, COME HERE.

YOU'VE GOT TO--NO, LISTEN, LISTEN.

LET'S BE FAIR, OKAY?

WE BOTH SLAM INTO EACH OTHER,AND WE BOTH DIE.

FAIR?

- THAT'S FAIR.- ALL RIGHT.

[both grunting]ONE!

- THIS WILL BE GOOD.- TWO!

both: THREE!

[grunting dramatically]

- WHAT?- OH, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

- YOU WERE NEVERGONNA FALL.

- YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRYTO FALL DOWN.

- YOU WERE NEVER--- IT'S, LIKE, THE FAKEST THING--

- THE THING IS, YOU'RE--

- HOW 'BOUT THAT?- DON'T--NO.

DON'T HIT ME.OH, WHAT'S THAT?

- OW.- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- CUT THE--- COME ON.

OH, YOU HIT MY BALLS.

- HEY, EVERYBODY!

WAR'S OVER!

SLAVERY IS ABOLISHED.

SORRY.

- [scoffs]

WE'LL CALL IT A DRAW.- DONE.

- GOOD FOR YOU, THOUGH, HUH?

- THANK YOU?- LET'S GO.

- WELL, WAIT, BEFORE YOU--- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, HOLD UP.

- JUST--JUST--IF--JUST IF I MAY,WHO DO YOU THINK

WOULD HAVE WON THE FIGHT?- YEAH, BETWEEN THE TWO OF US?

- OKAY,LET'S GET THIS THING GOING.

EVERYBODY TAKE A SEAT.

WE GOT TO HAVEMORE MEETINGS, HOMES,

'CAUSE I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,WE GOT TO GET ORGANIZED.

[sighs]

[police sirens in the distance]

CARLITO AIN'T GOT A SEAT, MAN.SOMEONE GET HIM A CHAIR.

- NO, I'M COOL.

- NO, DUDE, GET HIM A CHAIR,HOMES.

- I'M GONNA SIT GANGSTER.

- BUT, CARLITO, IT DOESN'T LOOKLIKE IT'S COMFORTABLE, MAN.

WHY DON'T YOUJUST SIT IN THE CHAIR?

- I NEVER SITIN NO CHAIR, ESE.

MM-MMM.

YOU NEVER, EVER GON' CATCH MESITTING IN NO CHAIRS.

- HEY, ESE, YOU KNOW THATTHAT'S LOCO, RIGHT?

- NO, MAN.[scoffs]

- IT'S COOL, CARLITO.

NO ONE'S GONNA THINKYOU'RE SOFT

IF YOU SIT IN A CHAIR, HOMES.- YEAH, YEAH.

- WE'RE ALL SITTING IN CHAIRS.- RIGHT.

- BUNCH OF BITCH-ASS CULEROS.

- QUE?- I DON'T HAVE NO TIME

TO SIT IN NO [bleep] CHAIR.

- OKAY.

NOW THAT WE'RE ALL HERE--

YOU KNOW WHAT?BUT WHY, THOUGH?

LIKE, IT DON'T MAKE NO SENSEFOR YOU TO SET YOURSELF UP

WITH A RULE LIKE THAT.

- NO, IT'S, LIKE, LIMITING.- YEAH, LIMITING.

- LIMITING.- I MEAN, SOMETIMES,

PEOPLE SIT IN CHAIRS.

- MAN, [bleep] ALL OF YOU GUYSWITH YOUR BITCH-ASS CHAIRS.

[wood cracks]

- THERE.- [scoffs]

- OKAY, CARLITO, QUIT PLAYINGAND SIT IN THE CHAIR, PENDEJO.

- NO.- CARLITO,

WE HAVE TO HAVE THIS MEETINGNOW, ESE. GET UP!

- I'M GOOD RIGHT HERE, MAN.

- YOU KNOW--- I'M CHILLING.

GO AHEAD WITH YOUR MEETING.

- OKAY, BUT YOU KNOWIT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD.

YOU DON'T CARETHAT IT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD?

- WEIRD FOR YOU, MAYBE.

- HE DOESN'T CARE.OKAY.

OKAY, HOMIES,SO THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE TO DO,

LIKE, WE GOT TO SELLMORE DRUGS...

- [groaning]- AND WE GOT TO MAKE

MORE CRIMES HAPPEN.

ROBERTO, WHERE ARE WE--- [groaning]

- CARLITO,YOU'RE BLEEDING, ESE!

- [grunts]WHO CARES, MAN?

[winces]

- YO, WHOA!YOU JUST GOT SHANKED, MAN!

WE GOT TO PULL THAT OUT!- LEAVE IT!

I'M CHILLING, HOMES.

I DON'T CAREABOUT THAT STUPID SHANK.

[groaning]

[exhales]

- CARLITO.

CARLITO, WAKE UP, MAN!

[radio chatter]

- HEY,DON'T EVEN BOTHER, ESE.

- WHAT?[screams]

OH, DIOS MIO!

- I DON'T NEEDTHOSE DEFIBRILLATORS.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO COME BACKTO LIFE, HOMES.

- CARLITO,GO BACK INTO YOUR BODY.

- MY BODY'S STUPID, HOMES.- WHAT?

- I'M FINE RIGHT HEREON THE SPIRIT PLANE.

LIFE IS FOR PUSSIES.

[heavenly singing]

- CARLITO.CARLITO, GO TO THE LIGHT.

- NAH, I'M GOOD, MAN.

- CARLITO,THAT'S HEAVEN, MAN.

- I DON'T NEED TO GOTO HEAVEN, HOMES.

HEAVEN IS FOR PUSSIES.- OH, BOY.

- HELLO, AND WELCOMETO THE FIFTH ANNUAL MEETING

OF THE TALLAHASSEEBLACK REPUBLICANS.

NOW, I'M PISSED!all: MM-HMM.

- ROYALLY PISSED!all: MM-HMM.

- LAST NOVEMBER, BARACK OBAMAWAS RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT,

AND THE BLACK VOTEWENT ALMOST ENTIRELY TO HIM!

[crowd murmuring]- DAGNABBIT.

- WE'RE NOT GETTINGOUR MESSAGE OUT, OBVIOUSLY.

THE REPUBLICAN PARTYIS AND SHOULD BE

THE ONLY HOME FOR BLACK VOTES.- YES, SIR.

- NOW, PEOPLE THINK THATBLACK VOTERS ARE A MONOLITH.

[scoffs]WE'RE NOT A MONOLITH.

- WHAT? WHAT?- NO, WE'RE NOT.

- IN FACT,BLACK REPUBLICANS ALONE

ARE AN EXTREMELY DIVERSEGROUP OF PEOPLE.

[crowd murmuring agreement]

NOW, TO SPEAK MOREON DIVERSITY,

I PRESENT TONIGHT'S SPEAKER,

MR. DOUGLAS JACKSON.

[applause]

[applause ends abruptly]

- NOW, I'M NOT GONNASUGARCOAT IT, I'M PISSED!

[crowd murmuring agreement]

I'M ROYALLY PISSED.

THE LIBERAL MEDIATHINKS THAT REPUBLICANISM

IS NOT FOR BLACK PEOPLE.all: MM.

- NOW, YOU TELL ME, WHATABOUT FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY,

A STRONG NATIONAL DEFENSE,AND A LIMITED GOVERNMENT

IS UNAPPEALINGTO BLACK PEOPLE?

WE'RE NOT A MONOLITH!all: MM-MMM.

- WE COME IN ALL DIFFERENTSHAPES AND SIZES.

- WE DO.all: MM-HMM!

- NOW, WHO HERE WOULD LIKETO COME UP TO THIS PODIUM

AND SPEAK ABOUT THE DIVERSITYAMONGST BLACK REPUBLICANS?

- [clears throat]

- OH.[chuckles]

GENTLEMEN,WE HAVE A REAL TREAT TODAY,

A GENTLEMANWHO IS A LITTLE BIT ECCENTRIC,

A LITTLE BIT OUTSIDE OF THE BOX,IF YOU WILL,

BUT I CAN'T THINKOF A BETTER PERSON TO SPEAK

ON DIVERSITYAMONGST BLACK REPUBLICANS

THAN THIS GENTLEMANRIGHT HERE.

ALL THE WAY FROM ORLANDO,MY GOOD FRIEND,

ARTHUR WASHINGTON!

[applause]

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

[applause]

[applause ends abruptly]

- THANK YOUFOR THE INTRODUCTION,

BROTHER DOUGLAS.

- THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE,BROTHER ARTHUR.

- MM-HMM.

HOWEVER, I AM...PISSED.

[crowd murmuring agreement]

ROYALLY PISSED.

- INDEED, INDEED!- ALL RIGHT.

- DEMOCRATS THINKTHEY HAVE THE RIGHT

TO ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE.

BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE.

WE ARE NOT A MONOLITH.[crowd murmuring agreement]

DEMOCRATS MAY BE COOL,BUT THEY AIN'T PRACTICAL.

- THERE YOU GO.[crowd murmuring agreement]

- REPUBLICANSARE PRACTICAL.

BLACK PEOPLEARE PRACTICAL!

COME TO THINK OF IT...- GET THOSE PANTS.

- I THINK BLACK REPUBLICANSARE PRETTY COOL.

[crowd murmuring agreement]- HEAR, HEAR, HEAR, HEAR.

- NOT TO MENTIONVERY DIVERSE.

- THERE WE GO. MM-HMM.[door opens]

- EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

SOMEONE'S WHITE WIFEIS HERE TO PICK THEM UP.

[all murmuring]

- WAS HER NAME EMILY?

- UH, SHE WAS WHITE.- OH, GREAT, THAT'S--

- [laughs]OH, YEAH!

GOOD VICTORY, GUYS!GOOD VICTORY!

HEY, HEY, COME ON, GOOD GAME!SLAP-ASS, MAN!

HEY, GOOD GAME!

GET SOME SLAP-ASS![laughs]

YEAH, DOG!YES, MAN!

GOOD GAME!SLAP-ASS!

[laughs]

HEY, WHO'S NEXT? WHO--

HEY, GARCIA!COME ON, MAN, GET YOU SOME.

COME ON, LET'S GETSOME SLAP-ASS OVER HERE.

- NO!

- WHAT? WHY--WHY NOT?

- I SAID NO, RAFI.

- HE'S HAD ENOUGH, RAFI.

WE'VE ALL HAD ENOUGH.

- ENOUGH OF WHAT?

- ENOUGH OF THE DAMNASS-SLAPPING, RAFI.

- GRACIAS.

- THE [bleep] SLAP-ASS?

- SI, YES. SI.- MM-HMM.

- [laughs]

GUYS, WHO [bleep] CARESHOW MUCH I SLAP ASS?

SO WHAT?I SLAP ASS!

NO BIG DEAL, MAN.I'M A [bleep] BASEBALL PLAYER.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.WE [bleep] HIT HOME RUNS,

AND [bleep] SLAP ASS.COME ON, HUH?

- RAFI, THAT'S NOTHOW WE ALL SEE BASEBALL.

- EVERYBODY DOES IT.ALL THE TEAMS SLAP ASS, MAN.

YOU--YOU SLAP ASS, GARCIA!

- LIKE, A COUPLE OF TIMESA GAME.

- [laugh sheepishly]

WHAT?SO WHAT, MAN?

WHY THE [bleep]YOU COUNTING, MAN?

WHO KNOWS HOW MANY TIMESI SLAP ASS, OR HOW MANY--

- 427 TIMES.

- OKAY, TIME FLIES WHENYOU'RE HAVING FUN, MAN. WHAT--

- MY FAMILIES COMETO THESE GAMES, RAFI.

MY SON IS ALWAYS ASKING ME

WHY I'M LETTING THIS MANTOUCH MY BUTT SO MANY TIMES.

- AND YOU SAY "SLAP-ASS"EVERY TIME.

- EVERY TIME!

- OKAY, HOLD ON ONE SECOND.LET'S GO TO THE TIME-OUT.

I'M FROMTHE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, OKAY?

ALL I KNOW,SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID,

IS TO CATCH FLY BALLSAND TO SAY "SLAP-ASS"

EVERY SINGLE TIMEI [bleep] SLAP ASS!

- THIS IS THE MAJOR LEAGUES,RAFI.

WE ARE ALL FROMTHE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC.

NOBODY HERE HAS EVER HEARDANYONE SAY "SLAP-ASS"

BEFORE YOU.

- QUIT PLAYING, MAN.COME ON, GET YOUR SLAP-ASS.

all: RAFI!- RAFI, ENOUGH! OKAY?

- I'M...[sighs]

OKAY.YOU'RE RIGHT.

I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT IT.

I HAVE A PROBLEM, OKAY?

I KNOW THAT.

AND I DECIDE TO STOPRIGHT NOW.

- BUENO.

- [sighs]

RIGHT AFTER I GETTHAT GARCIA SLAP-ASS.

COME ON.all: HEY, HEY, HEY!

- WHAT?- NO, RAFI!

- HEY, COME ON, EH?

I'M FINE, ALL RIGHT?FINE, I GET IT!

- [sighs]

[all struggling]- GET UP OUT OF HERE!

- COME ON!- GET OUT OF THE LOCKER ROOM!

YOU GET OUTOF THE LOCKER ROOM!

- YOU'RE THE ONLY SLAP-ASSTHAT MATTERS, GARCIA!

- YOU ARE NOTGETTING A SLAP-ASS!

- HEY, GARCIA, MAN,CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

- OH.- HOLD UP.

- HEY, RAFI, WHAT'S UP?

- OH, MAN, I JUST TALKEDTO THE MANAGER, MAN.

HE SAYS HE'S GOINGTO TRADE ME, MAN.

I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL, YOU KNOW?I GOT KIDS, TOO, RIGHT?

- YEAH, WELL, WE ALL TOLD YOUWHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN

IF YOU--- HEY...

[heavy breathing]

I REALLY COULD USETHAT ONE SLAP-ASS, MAN.

- RAFI.- COME ON, MAN.

JUST ONE SLAP-ASS, YOU KNOW?JUST ONE--

JUST FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE,YOU KNOW?

GET ME BACK ON MY FEET.I REALLY--

JUST ONE FOR THE ROAD, MAN.I COULD REALLY USE IT.

[heavy breathing]

OKAY, OKAY.

GOOD GAME! SLAP-ASS![loud smack]

[relieved sigh]

- I GOT TO GET HOMETO MY KIDS.

- OKAY.

OH.GARCIA, MAN.

I'LL SUCK YOUR [bleep] IF YOULET ME SLAP YOUR ASS AGAIN.

- NO!- [groans]

GARCIA,I'LL SUCK YOUR [bleep].

[groaning]

OHH, SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS,SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS,

SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS.

- WELCOMETO METTA WORLD NEWS.

IN FASHION,IF YOU WOKE UP, AND THERE

WAS A 4-INCH MINIATURE HUMANSTANDING ON YOUR CHEST,

WOULD YOU SWAT THEM OFF?

I WAS REALLY CHALLENGEDBY THIS QUESTION.

I WOULD HOPE THAT I WOULDENGAGE THEM IN CONVERSATION.

BUT IN REALITY,I THINK I'D BE SCARED OF THEM

AND SWAT THEM AWAY,WHICH WOULD PROBABLY KILL THEM.

WELL, THAT WRAPS UPMETTA WORLD NEWS

FOR THIS WEDNESDAY, OCTOBERNOISE-CANCELING OCTAGON TIRE.

I'M METTA WORLD PEACE.GOOD NIGHT.

DID I FULFILL MY CONTRACT,SATAN?

- What up,it's Vandaveon Huggins

and Mike Taylor coming at you,episode three, season three.

We back here talking aboutall manner and sorts of things,

talking about the world,talking about everything.

And Mike is just raringto go, man.

- I'm forlorn.

- You're forlorn?- Yeah.

- About what?

- I was at the TSA yesterday.

- TSA, that's where we work,at the airports.

- Edward said wecan't be doing this no more.

- Edward saidwe can't do the show?

- He saw it.

He said it's unbecomingof a TSA worker.

We talk about dicks and shit.

- Edward is not evenour direct supervisor.

That's Tammy.

I don't even knowwhy Edward would be--

- He jealous.

- That's what it is,right there, Mike, straight up.

- 'Cause he wantsto be famous too.

- He wishes he hadover 2 million hits online.

He wishes he had peoplecommenting on his videos,

which he does not make.

He wishes that he hadthe pulse of the American public

and knew howto comment therein.

But he doesn't.

You know, Edward, why don't youmind your own business, man,

and leave me and Miketo our devices?

If you gonna workover at the Delta terminal,

then do your job, okay?

- [laughing]- Know what I'm saying?

- You forgotabout that Delta.

- Delta domesticis where you work,

and American internationalis where we work.

I wonder why.

Maybe we more capableat our jobs

than some other people,

who should be paying attentionto people's belongings

instead of watching videosand being jealous.

- The more success you have,the more haters you have.

- That's the blue-eyed monster,right there.

- Yep, yep.- That's the blue-eyed monster.

That's how it always go, Mike.

That's a poignant point.

- More...

Well, we don't reallyget money, but...

- It's like we makingvirtual money, though.

- The more views we come across,the more problems we see.

- Now officially decidedyou are a hater,

and there's nothingto be done for you.

- Put the dick in his face.

- I'm gonna straightIndiana Jones on his ass.

[humming rousing tune]

Whoosh!- Bitch.

- Whoo!

Why?

Because I was dippening,and I was dappening,

and I didn't knowwhat was happening.

- Don't do that Edwardimpression, though.

- That nigga like that, though.

"Vandaveon, Vandaveon."- This nigga said--

[laughing]- "May I have a word?

May I have a wordwith you and Michael?"

- That was a transformation.

- This niggahave a pig nose.

God made his nosestraight look like this.

We the ones who arenot only providing

a service forthe United States of America,

where you actually do befinding terrorists--

on the daily!

- Thank you.

- Also we making people laughin the line.

This entire episode has turnedinto a commentary about Edward.

I don't even care,

'cause that's what our showis about, dude.

Other shows that shallremain nameless,

like "Key & Peele,"

they be having a thingthat they got to do every week.

- They plan shit out.

- We just let it rollup in here.

Like, right now...

- Go with the flow.

- Let's just doMike's corner.

I don't even knowwhat it is.

We just gonna do Mike's corner.

- It's not ready yet.

I got some serious workon Act III.

- Act III?

How long is the segment?

- However long it take.

- So we gonna hit"Key & Peele" for a second.

Not like this showis about that anymore,

'cause we don't need it.

But anyway, we gonna talkabout this slave sketch

they been doing, man.- Come on.

both: Aah!

- Oh, you son of a bitch.

- You were never gonna fall.

- You didn't even try to fall down.

- Understand this, man.

These two slaves, while theywere grappling with each other

and fighting,what they could have done,

just taken their dicks outand slapped everybody around.

- Just taken their dicks out,cock fight.

- Cock fight.

[laughter]

- Straight offthe dome, nigga.

- So we give that one--let's give it 8 1/2 dicks.

- Yep.- And three of them dicks

is black.- Yup.

- Right, that's the show, man.

Thank everybodyfor watching, man.

Please feel free to subscribeto us on the Internet, man.

Get all the seasons.

- Subscribe!Subscribe!

- You can email us,

make commentsin the comments section.

We'll see you next week, man,peace.