Slap-Ass

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 10/02/2013

Two slaves try to find a way out of fighting to the death, and a member of a Latin gang proves his toughness.

OF THE TALLAHASSEEBLACK REPUBLICANS.

NOW, I'M PISSED!all: MM-HMM.

- ROYALLY PISSED!all: MM-HMM.

- LAST NOVEMBER, BARACK OBAMAWAS RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT,

AND THE BLACK VOTEWENT ALMOST ENTIRELY TO HIM!

[crowd murmuring]- DAGNABBIT.

- WE'RE NOT GETTINGOUR MESSAGE OUT, OBVIOUSLY.

THE REPUBLICAN PARTYIS AND SHOULD BE

THE ONLY HOME FOR BLACK VOTES.- YES, SIR.

- NOW, PEOPLE THINK THATBLACK VOTERS ARE A MONOLITH.

[scoffs]WE'RE NOT A MONOLITH.

- WHAT? WHAT?- NO, WE'RE NOT.

- IN FACT,BLACK REPUBLICANS ALONE

ARE AN EXTREMELY DIVERSEGROUP OF PEOPLE.

[crowd murmuring agreement]

NOW, TO SPEAK MOREON DIVERSITY,

I PRESENT TONIGHT'S SPEAKER,

MR. DOUGLAS JACKSON.

[applause]

[applause ends abruptly]

- NOW, I'M NOT GONNASUGARCOAT IT, I'M PISSED!

[crowd murmuring agreement]

I'M ROYALLY PISSED.

THE LIBERAL MEDIATHINKS THAT REPUBLICANISM

IS NOT FOR BLACK PEOPLE.all: MM.

- NOW, YOU TELL ME, WHATABOUT FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY,

A STRONG NATIONAL DEFENSE,AND A LIMITED GOVERNMENT

IS UNAPPEALINGTO BLACK PEOPLE?

WE'RE NOT A MONOLITH!all: MM-MMM.

- WE COME IN ALL DIFFERENTSHAPES AND SIZES.

- WE DO.all: MM-HMM!

- NOW, WHO HERE WOULD LIKETO COME UP TO THIS PODIUM

AND SPEAK ABOUT THE DIVERSITYAMONGST BLACK REPUBLICANS?

- [clears throat]

- OH.[chuckles]

GENTLEMEN,WE HAVE A REAL TREAT TODAY,

A GENTLEMANWHO IS A LITTLE BIT ECCENTRIC,

A LITTLE BIT OUTSIDE OF THE BOX,IF YOU WILL,

BUT I CAN'T THINKOF A BETTER PERSON TO SPEAK

ON DIVERSITYAMONGST BLACK REPUBLICANS

THAN THIS GENTLEMANRIGHT HERE.

ALL THE WAY FROM ORLANDO,MY GOOD FRIEND,

ARTHUR WASHINGTON!

[applause]

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

[applause]

[applause ends abruptly]

- THANK YOUFOR THE INTRODUCTION,

BROTHER DOUGLAS.

- THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE,BROTHER ARTHUR.

- MM-HMM.

HOWEVER, I AM...PISSED.

[crowd murmuring agreement]

ROYALLY PISSED.

- INDEED, INDEED!- ALL RIGHT.

- DEMOCRATS THINKTHEY HAVE THE RIGHT

TO ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE.

BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE.

WE ARE NOT A MONOLITH.[crowd murmuring agreement]

DEMOCRATS MAY BE COOL,BUT THEY AIN'T PRACTICAL.

- THERE YOU GO.[crowd murmuring agreement]

- REPUBLICANSARE PRACTICAL.

BLACK PEOPLEARE PRACTICAL!

COME TO THINK OF IT...- GET THOSE PANTS.

- I THINK BLACK REPUBLICANSARE PRETTY COOL.

[crowd murmuring agreement]- HEAR, HEAR, HEAR, HEAR.

- NOT TO MENTIONVERY DIVERSE.

- THERE WE GO. MM-HMM.[door opens]

- EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

SOMEONE'S WHITE WIFEIS HERE TO PICK THEM UP.

[all murmuring]

- WAS HER NAME EMILY?

- UH, SHE WAS WHITE.- OH, GREAT, THAT'S--

- OKAY,LET'S GET THIS THING GOING.

EVERYBODY TAKE A SEAT.

WE GOT TO HAVEMORE MEETINGS, HOMES,

'CAUSE I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,WE GOT TO GET ORGANIZED.

[sighs]

[police sirens in the distance]

CARLITO AIN'T GOT A SEAT, MAN.SOMEONE GET HIM A CHAIR.

- NO, I'M COOL.

- NO, DUDE, GET HIM A CHAIR,HOMES.

- I'M GONNA SIT GANGSTER.

- BUT, CARLITO, IT DOESN'T LOOKLIKE IT'S COMFORTABLE, MAN.

WHY DON'T YOUJUST SIT IN THE CHAIR?

- I NEVER SITIN NO CHAIR, ESE.

MM-MMM.

YOU NEVER, EVER GON' CATCH MESITTING IN NO CHAIRS.

- HEY, ESE, YOU KNOW THATTHAT'S LOCO, RIGHT?

- NO, MAN.[scoffs]

- IT'S COOL, CARLITO.

NO ONE'S GONNA THINKYOU'RE SOFT

IF YOU SIT IN A CHAIR, HOMES.- YEAH, YEAH.

- WE'RE ALL SITTING IN CHAIRS.- RIGHT.

- BUNCH OF BITCH-ASS CULEROS.

- QUE? - I DON'T HAVE NO TIME

TO SIT IN NO [bleep] CHAIR.

- OKAY.

NOW THAT WE'RE ALL HERE--

YOU KNOW WHAT?BUT WHY, THOUGH?

LIKE, IT DON'T MAKE NO SENSEFOR YOU TO SET YOURSELF UP

WITH A RULE LIKE THAT.

- NO, IT'S, LIKE, LIMITING.- YEAH, LIMITING.

- LIMITING.- I MEAN, SOMETIMES,

PEOPLE SIT IN CHAIRS.

- MAN, [bleep] ALL OF YOU GUYSWITH YOUR BITCH-ASS CHAIRS.

[wood cracks]

- THERE.- [scoffs]

- OKAY, CARLITO, QUIT PLAYINGAND SIT IN THE CHAIR, PENDEJO.

- NO.- CARLITO,

WE HAVE TO HAVE THIS MEETINGNOW, ESE. GET UP!

- I'M GOOD RIGHT HERE, MAN.

- YOU KNOW--- I'M CHILLING.

GO AHEAD WITH YOUR MEETING.

- OKAY, BUT YOU KNOWIT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD.

YOU DON'T CARETHAT IT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD?

- WEIRD FOR YOU, MAYBE.

- HE DOESN'T CARE.OKAY.

OKAY, HOMIES,SO THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE TO DO,

LIKE, WE GOT TO SELLMORE DRUGS...

- [groaning]- AND WE GOT TO MAKE

MORE CRIMES HAPPEN.

ROBERTO, WHERE ARE WE--- [groaning]

- CARLITO,YOU'RE BLEEDING, ESE!

- [grunts]WHO CARES, MAN?

[winces]

- YO, WHOA!YOU JUST GOT SHANKED, MAN!

WE GOT TO PULL THAT OUT!- LEAVE IT!

I'M CHILLING, HOMES.

I DON'T CAREABOUT THAT STUPID SHANK.

[groaning]

[exhales]

- CARLITO.

CARLITO, WAKE UP, MAN!

[radio chatter]

- HEY,DON'T EVEN BOTHER, ESE.

- WHAT?[screams]

OH, DIOS MIO!

- I DON'T NEEDTHOSE DEFIBRILLATORS.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO COME BACKTO LIFE, HOMES.

- CARLITO,GO BACK INTO YOUR BODY.

- MY BODY'S STUPID, HOMES.- WHAT?

- I'M FINE RIGHT HEREON THE SPIRIT PLANE.

LIFE IS FOR PUSSIES.

[heavenly singing]

- CARLITO.CARLITO, GO TO THE LIGHT.

- NAH, I'M GOOD, MAN.

- CARLITO,THAT'S HEAVEN, MAN.

- I DON'T NEED TO GOTO HEAVEN, HOMES.

HEAVEN IS FOR PUSSIES.- OH, BOY.

- WELL,ALL RIGHT, FRIENDS.

THE FIRST FIGHT OF THE EVENINGWILL FEATURE

ONE OF MY SLAVESVERSUS ONE OF THE SLAVES

OF MY DISTINGUISHED GUEST,MR. JACOB DIXON.

- [chuckles]YOU KNOW, ROBERT,

I HOPE YOU'RE AS GRACIOUSA LOSER AS YOU ARE A HOST.

[laughter]

- ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH TALK.[snaps fingers]

[sighs]NOW...

FIGHT, YOU DEVILS!FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

- [chuckles]

- HEY.- HEY.

UM, QUESTION.- MM-HMM?

- [chuckles]

HOW DO WE GETOUT OF THIS THING ALIVE?

- IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.JUST LET ME PRETEND TO KILL YOU.

- HMM.

MAYBE IT JUST MAKES MORE SENSEIF I PRETEND TO KILL YOU.

YEAH.- YEAH, I JUST--

- I WANT TO MAKE ITBELIEVABLE, SO...

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WAS--THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING FOR TOO.

- REALLY?- WHAT THE BLAZES

IS GOING ON OVER THEREIN THAT ENDLESS CLINCH?

TEAR HIM APART!

- OKAY, LET'S--- OH! YOU GET--MM!

[both grunting dramatically]

- SO JUST--JUST DIE FROM THIS.

- FROM THIS? UM, JUST--- [grunts]

- YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST--SOMETHING DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT,

SO IF I COULD JUST--IF I JUST--

LET ME--GO WITH ME HERE.- OKAY. OH.

OH.[both growling]

- YUP, THAT WAS IT, THAT WAS IT.THIS FEELS MUCH MORE REAL.

SO--- REALLY? WHAT? WHY?

- UM, SORRY,WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHY?"

- FIGHT! MY GOD!

- OH.

- I-I'M GETTINGFRUSTRATED NOW.

- DAMN IT, KILL!

[both grunting]

- NOPE, NOT A THING.NOT A THING.

- NOT A THING?OKAY, LET ME JUST GET--

MM, I'M GONNA GET HIM.I GOT HIM.

- LET ME GET YOU, THOUGH.- JUST LET ME GET YOU, THOUGH.

- NO, LET ME GET YOU.- NO, LET ME GET YOU.

- IT WAS MY IDEA,SO CAN I DO IT FIRST?

- LET ME GET YOU.- LET ME GET YOU, THOUGH.

- LET ME GET YOU.- JUST FOR, LIKE, A SECOND.

WILL YOU JUST LET ME GET YOUFOR A SECOND, PLEASE?

- LET ME GET YOU.LET ME GET YOU!

- STOP FIGHTING LIKE SISSIESAND KILL EACH OTHER!

- OKAY.- ALL RIGHT.

[both grunting]

- OKAY, CHECK THIS OUT.- YEAH, MM-HMM.

- ALL RIGHT,WE'LL BACK UP,

- MM-HMM.- AND YOU RUN AT ME REAL FAST,

JUST DO A BUNCH OF SPINS,AND KICKS, AND FLOURISHES,

AND I'LL JUST KNOCK YOU OUT,ONE PUNCH, AND THEN YOU'RE DEAD.

- GREAT, OKAY--NO, WAIT, WAIT, WHAT?

I'M SORRY, SO YOU CAN LOOK COOL?NO, THANK YOU.

- IF SOMEONE DOESN'T DIE SOON,I WILL KILL YOU BOTH.

- THANK YOU.

- [grunting] AH!- OHH!

- AH, THAT'S MY BOY!

- [grunts]- OHH!

- [grunts]AH!

- OH--AHH!

- YOU ARE NOT GETTING STRONGERFROM MY PUNCHES.

- YES, I AM, THOUGH!- LISTEN, COME HERE.

YOU'VE GOT TO--NO, LISTEN, LISTEN.

LET'S BE FAIR, OKAY?

WE BOTH SLAM INTO EACH OTHER,AND WE BOTH DIE.

FAIR?

- THAT'S FAIR.- ALL RIGHT.

[both grunting]ONE!

- THIS WILL BE GOOD.- TWO!

both: THREE!

[grunting dramatically]

- WHAT?- OH, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

- YOU WERE NEVERGONNA FALL.

- YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRYTO FALL DOWN.

- YOU WERE NEVER--- IT'S, LIKE, THE FAKEST THING--

- THE THING IS, YOU'RE--

- HOW 'BOUT THAT?- DON'T--NO.

DON'T HIT ME.OH, WHAT'S THAT?

- OW.- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- CUT THE--- COME ON.

OH, YOU HIT MY BALLS.

- HEY, EVERYBODY!

WAR'S OVER!

SLAVERY IS ABOLISHED.

SORRY.

- [scoffs]

WE'LL CALL IT A DRAW.- DONE.

- GOOD FOR YOU, THOUGH, HUH?

- THANK YOU?- LET'S GO.

- WELL, WAIT, BEFORE YOU--- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, HOLD UP.

- JUST--JUST--IF--JUST IF I MAY,WHO DO YOU THINK

WOULD HAVE WON THE FIGHT?- YEAH, BETWEEN THE TWO OF US?

[cheering and mixed chatter]

- [laughs]OH, YEAH!

GOOD VICTORY, GUYS!GOOD VICTORY!

HEY, HEY, COME ON, GOOD GAME!SLAP-ASS, MAN!

HEY, GOOD GAME!

GET SOME SLAP-ASS![laughs]

YEAH, DOG!YES, MAN!

GOOD GAME!SLAP-ASS!

[laughs]

HEY, WHO'S NEXT? WHO--

HEY, GARCIA!COME ON, MAN, GET YOU SOME.

COME ON, LET'S GETSOME SLAP-ASS OVER HERE.

- NO!

- WHAT? WHY--WHY NOT?

- I SAID NO, RAFI.

- HE'S HAD ENOUGH, RAFI.

WE'VE ALL HAD ENOUGH.

- ENOUGH OF WHAT?

- ENOUGH OF THE DAMNASS-SLAPPING, RAFI.

- GRACIAS.

- THE [bleep] SLAP-ASS?

- SI, YES. SI.- MM-HMM.

- [laughs]

GUYS, WHO [bleep] CARESHOW MUCH I SLAP ASS?

SO WHAT?I SLAP ASS!

NO BIG DEAL, MAN.I'M A [bleep] BASEBALL PLAYER.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.WE [bleep] HIT HOME RUNS,

AND [bleep] SLAP ASS.COME ON, HUH?

- RAFI, THAT'S NOTHOW WE ALL SEE BASEBALL.

- EVERYBODY DOES IT.ALL THE TEAMS SLAP ASS, MAN.

YOU--YOU SLAP ASS, GARCIA!

- LIKE, A COUPLE OF TIMESA GAME.

- [laugh sheepishly]

WHAT?SO WHAT, MAN?

WHY THE [bleep]YOU COUNTING, MAN?

WHO KNOWS HOW MANY TIMESI SLAP ASS, OR HOW MANY--

- 427 TIMES.

- OKAY, TIME FLIES WHENYOU'RE HAVING FUN, MAN. WHAT--

- MY FAMILIES COMETO THESE GAMES, RAFI.

MY SON IS ALWAYS ASKING ME

WHY I'M LETTING THIS MANTOUCH MY BUTT SO MANY TIMES.

- AND YOU SAY "SLAP-ASS"EVERY TIME.

- EVERY TIME!

- OKAY, HOLD ON ONE SECOND.LET'S GO TO THE TIME-OUT.

I'M FROMTHE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, OKAY?

ALL I KNOW,SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID,

IS TO CATCH FLY BALLSAND TO SAY "SLAP-ASS"

EVERY SINGLE TIMEI [bleep] SLAP ASS!

- THIS IS THE MAJOR LEAGUES,RAFI.

WE ARE ALL FROMTHE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC.

NOBODY HERE HAS EVER HEARDANYONE SAY "SLAP-ASS"

BEFORE YOU.

- QUIT PLAYING, MAN.COME ON, GET YOUR SLAP-ASS.

all: RAFI!- RAFI, ENOUGH! OKAY?

- I'M...[sighs]

OKAY.YOU'RE RIGHT.

I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT IT.

I HAVE A PROBLEM, OKAY?

I KNOW THAT.

AND I DECIDE TO STOPRIGHT NOW.

- BUENO.

- [sighs]

RIGHT AFTER I GETTHAT GARCIA SLAP-ASS.

COME ON.all: HEY, HEY, HEY!

- WHAT?- NO, RAFI!

- HEY, COME ON, EH?

I'M FINE, ALL RIGHT?FINE, I GET IT!

- [sighs]

[all struggling]- GET UP OUT OF HERE!

- COME ON!- GET OUT OF THE LOCKER ROOM!

YOU GET OUTOF THE LOCKER ROOM!

- YOU'RE THE ONLY SLAP-ASSTHAT MATTERS, GARCIA!

- YOU ARE NOTGETTING A SLAP-ASS!

- HEY, GARCIA, MAN,CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

- OH.- HOLD UP.

- HEY, RAFI, WHAT'S UP?

- OH, MAN, I JUST TALKEDTO THE MANAGER, MAN.

HE SAYS HE'S GOINGTO TRADE ME, MAN.

I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL, YOU KNOW?I GOT KIDS, TOO, RIGHT?

- YEAH, WELL, WE ALL TOLD YOUWHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN

IF YOU--- HEY...

[heavy breathing]

I REALLY COULD USETHAT ONE SLAP-ASS, MAN.

- RAFI.- COME ON, MAN.

JUST ONE SLAP-ASS, YOU KNOW?JUST ONE--

JUST FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE,YOU KNOW?

GET ME BACK ON MY FEET.I REALLY--

JUST ONE FOR THE ROAD, MAN.I COULD REALLY USE IT.

[heavy breathing]

OKAY, OKAY.

GOOD GAME! SLAP-ASS![loud smack]

[relieved sigh]

- I GOT TO GET HOMETO MY KIDS.

- OKAY.

OH.GARCIA, MAN.

I'LL SUCK YOUR [bleep] IF YOULET ME SLAP YOUR ASS AGAIN.

- NO!- [groans]

GARCIA,I'LL SUCK YOUR [bleep].

[groaning]

OHH, SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS,SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS,

SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS.

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