Extended - Thursday, May 5, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 05/05/2016

Jesse Joyce, Damien Lemon and Marcella Arguello list #MillennialBooks, watch bad pizza commercials and spoil "Captain America: Civil War" in this extended, uncensored episode.

- NOW IT'S TIME TO WATCH THESECOLORS RUN

IT'S PANDERDOME SPECIALEDITION CRUZ CONTROL.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS)

IT HAS NOT BEEN A GOODWEEK FOR CHIN CANKLE MODEL

HUMAN SKIN TAG TED CRUZ.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

WHO OFFICIALLY SUSPENDEDHIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

ON TUESDAY, BUT NOT BEFORE A FEWMORE

AWKWARD PHYSICAL ENCOUNTERS.

FIRST, HE TRIED TO TRIUMPHANTLYRAISE

THE HAND OF DALMATIAN COATENTHUSIAST

CARLY FIORINA, SEEN HERE.

(COMICAL POP MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(HORN SOUNDS)

AND THAT'S HOW SQUIDS GETPREGNANT.

THEN WHILE SUSPENDING HISCAMPAIGN,

CRUZ MADE AN EVEN CRINGIER MOVE.

COMEDIANS DID HE HUG HISWIFE SO TIGHT SHE FARTED,

OR ELBOW HER IN THE FACE?

(GAME SHOW BELL DINGS)

MARCELLA?

- HUGS HIS WIFE SO TIGHT SHEFARTED.

- NO, IT'S THE OTHER ONE.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

- [VOICEOVER] TED CRUZANNOUNCING HE'S ENDING

HIS QUEST FOR THE PRESIDENCYRIGHT NOW.

- [CHRIS] AND THERE IT IS,THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS)

(VOICE SPEAKING IN SLOW MOTION)

(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)WE ALL KNOW MILLENNIALS ARE

OBSESSED WITH THEIR PHONES ANDTHEIR SELFIES AND THEIR

MOUNTAINS OF COLLEGE LOAN DEBT,BUT DID YOU ALSO KNOW... THEY

ARE SOMETIMES OBSESSED WITHLITERATURE?

ACCORDING TO THE PEW RESEARCHCENTER-- PEW! PEW! PEW!--

MILLENNIALS READ MORE BOOKS THANPEOPLE OVER 30 DO.

SO, UH, IF IT'S ANYTHING LIKEHBO GO, THAT MEANS THEY'RE

SNATCHING THEIR MOM'S COPY OFGONE GIRL OFF THE SHELF AND

SHARING IT WITH EIGHT ROOMMATES,BUT IT STILL COUNTS AS READING.

SO IN HONOR OF THELITERATURE-CRAZED GEN Y,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#MILLENNIALBOOKS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: FOR WHOM THEBELL TWEETS, AND THE FAULT IN

OUR START-UPS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

MARCELLA.

>> WHERE THE WILD THINGS TWERK.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

JESSE.

>> UH, THE BOURNE IDENTIFIES ASA KOREAN WOMAN.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARCELLA.

>> THE LIVE TWEET OF ANNE FRANK.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)JESSE JOYCE.

>> UH, CATCHING FIRE: THEHOVERBOARD GAMES.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

DAMIEN.

>> THE WOKE GATSBY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS!

JESSE.

>> PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY'SBRUNCH.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

MARCELLA.

>> EAT, PRAY, SWIPE RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)DAMIEN.

>> HASHTAG PRIDE AND HASHTAGPREJUDICE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

JESSE.

>> UH, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LASTSUMMER BECAUSE YOU POST EVERY

FUCKING THING YOU DO ONINSTAGRAM.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS!

VERY WELL DONE. POINTS.

MARCELLA.

>> ARE YOU THERE, SIRI?

IT'S ME, MARCELLA.

>> HARDWICK: YES!

WITH FIERCE COMPETITION FROM

DOMINO'S AND THE HUT, LOCALPIZZA PLACES HAVE TO PULL OUT

ALL THE STOPS TO GET BUTTS INSEATS, AND OFTEN THAT MEANS

GLITZY, HIGH-BUDGET COMMERCIALSWITH ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES.

LIKE THIS CLASSIC AD FROM THEEARLY AUGHTS.

>> ♪ ALL RIGHTMAKING THE PIZZA

MAKING THE PIZZA♪ SPRINKLE THE CHEESE

SPRINKLE THE CHEESESO, STOP ON DOWN AT ONE

♪ OF THREE GREAT LOCATIONSOR CALL US UP TO LET OUR CREWS

HOOK YOU UPAH, YEAH! ♪

>> HARDWICK: ♪ I'VE NEVER HEARDRAP, BUT I'VE HEARD IT DESCRIBED

TO ME BEFORE. ♪WELL, THERE'S A LOT MORE WHERE

THAT CAME FROM, SO I'M GONNASHOW YOU A TERRIBLE COMMERCIAL

FROM A PIZZA PLACE AND FOR 250POINTS YOU GOT TO ANSWER A

QUESTION ABOUT THE RESTAURANT.

FIRST UP, FIRST UP, THIS ADFILMED AFTER DARK.

>> ♪ OH, NONOT ONLY SAUCE AND DOUGH

IT'S LEONARDO'SMILHOPPER SQUARE ♪

>> ♪ AND I LIKE IT. >> MM.

>> HARDWICK: UH, WHAT'S ASPECIAL DEAL YOU CAN GET AT

LEONARDO'S?

JESSE.

>> UH, LEONARDO'S WIFE'LL GIVEYOU $10,000 IF YOU CAN MAKE

LEONARDO'S DEATH LOOK LIKE ANACCIDENT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT UP, THIS SPECIAL SHOWBIZ-THEMED PIZZA JOINT.

>> APPEARING TONIGHT ON THREESTAGES AT SHOWBIZ PIZZA PLACE,

THE ROCK-AFIRE EXPLOSION.

>> ♪ SERVE YOU A PIZZASECOND TO NONE

SO, COME FOR THE PIZZASTAY FOR THE FUN. ♪

>> HARDWICK: THEY PROMISE YOU'LLCOME FOR THE PIZZA AND STAY FOR

THE FUN.

WHAT'S SOMETHING ELSE THAT'LLDRAW YOU IN AND GET YOU TO STAY?

DAMIEN.

>> COME WITH YOUR LONELINESS ANDLEAVE WITH A UNATTENDED CHILD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THEY'RE FREE, THEY'RE FREE.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, THERE'S APIZZA PLACE THAT'S TAKING A

SLIGHTLY SEXIER APPROACH.

>> STOP.

>> DROP IT.

>> YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

>> UH... FOR WHAT?

>> EATING BAD PIZZA.

>> LIKE IT.

>> HARDWICK: UH, WHAT'S AHORRIBLE LINE FROM THIS

BORDERLINE PIZZA PORN?

DAMIEN.

>> IF I DON'T COME IN 30 MINUTESTHIS PIZZA'S FREE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, YUP.

POINTS.

JESSE.

>> UH, I'M HERE TO READ YOU YOURMIRANDA RIGHTS.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FUCKMIRANDA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT UP, HERE'S A THROWBACKGODFATHER'S PIZZA AD STARRING

THE STUDNEY TWINS.

>> WE BE THE STUDNEY TWINS.

WE ARE IDENTICAL.

WE HAVE THE EXACT SAME TASTE INEVERYTHING-- CLOTHES, CARS,

WOMEN, CLOTHES AND PIZZA!

(LAUGHS)>> HARDWICK: WHAT... WHAT

MESSAGE IS THIS COMMERCIALTRYING TO SEND?

DAMIEN.

>> EVEN IF YOU DRESS A CRACKHEADIN A PERIWINKLE TUXEDO, HE'S

STILL A CRACKHEAD.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

VER-VERY GOOD.

JESSE.

>> UH, UH, THEY HAVE THE SAMETASTE IN WOMEN-- ASIAN GUYS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARCELLA.

>> THIS I-THIS IS WHAT RACIALHARMONY LOOKS LIKE TO FOX NEWS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS, VERY GOOD.

NEXT ONE, UH, WE HAVE AN ADTARGETING A MORE YOUTHY

DEMOGRAPHIC.

>> ♪ WE LIKE PIZZA IN THEMORNING

WE LIKE PIZZA EVERY DAYWE LIKE PIZZA IN THE EVENING

WE LIKE PIZZA ANYWHERE. ♪>> OOH.

>> HARDWICK: EVENTUALLY THISRESTAURANT WILL PROBABLY HAVE TO

SHUT DOWN.

UH, COMEDIANS, PLEASE TELL MEWHY.

JESSE.

>> UH, BECAUSE THE NINE-YEAR-OLDRECEPTIONIST GOT ADOPTED BY A

RICH COUPLE IN SANTA BARBARA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> ASSUMING.

PROBABLY.

>> HARDWICK: MARCELLA.

>> ALL THE EMPLOYEES WERE CASTIN WOODY ALLEN MOVIES.

>> OH, OH.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, FINALLY, A VINTAGE ADTAKING SOME NOTES FROM

HITCHCOCK.

>> PIZZA?

HARRY, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO MAKEPIZZA.

>> DID I SAY ANYTHING ABOUTMAKING PIZZA?

IT'S FROZEN.

SEE?

GINO'S-- IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THEFREEZER SECTION.

YOU THINK GINO'S WOULDN'T MAKE AFROZEN PIZZA THAT BAKES IN TEN

MINUTES FOR PEOPLE IN A HURRY?

>> OH, MAN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

YEAH!

THAT'S RIGHT.

IN THE OLD DAYS, YOU COULD SWATA DAME WITH A FROZEN PIZZA.

THEN YOU COULD TELL HER TO GO TOWORK ON YOUR PEPPERONI AND KEEP

YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND SHE WASHAPPY TO DO IT.

RIDICULOUS.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS CLASSICHOLLYWOOD PIZZA THRILLER?

JESSE.

UH, GUESS WHO'S COMING TODINNER: THE COPS, AGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARCELLA.

>> IT'S NOT DELIVERY, IT'SDOMESTIC ABUSE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

SO GOOD.

POINTS.

THE MIDNIGHT SPOIL: CIVIL WAR.

THE MIDNIGHT SPOIL: CIVIL WAR.

HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY! CAPTAIN AMERICA:CIVIL WAR COMES OUT TODAY, AND

IT'S FUCKING GREAT.

IT'S SO GOOD. AND THESPIDER-MAN... AND THE SPIDER-MAN

INTEGRATION IS GREAT ANDANT-MAN'S GREAT IN IT AND

THERE'S STUFF IN THERE THAT WILLSURPRISE YOU AND IT'S REALLY FUN

AND IT'S DELIGHTFUL AFTER THE...

COMING OFF THE INTENSE ROMANTICTHRILLER OF BATMAN V SUPERMAN.

SO, UH, THIS IS THE... THIS ISTHE SEQUEL TO THE, UH, LESS

EXCITING CAPTAIN AMERICA: FLAMEWAR, WHERE CAP JUST, UH, WENT ON

IRON MAN'S YOUTUBE PAGE AND KEPTSAYING "FAKE" AND "GAY" ON ALL

HIS VIDEOS.

UH, SO, IN HONOR OF THE SUMMER'SFIRST BLOCKBUSTER, WHERE YOUR

FAVORITE MARVEL SUPERHEROES BEATTHE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER, I'M

GONNA ASK YOU TO GIVE ME AS MANYSPOILERS FOR CIVIL WAR AS YOU

CAN IN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN. MARCELLA.

>> BLACK PANTHER HAS TO USE THEUNDERGROUND RAILROAD.

>> MMM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JESSE.

>> UH, AT THE PREMIERE, ABELINCOLN GETS KILLED IN THE

THEATER.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

DAMIEN.

>> BLACK PANTHER BECOMESTHREE-FIFTHS OF AN AVENGER.

>> HARDWICK: OH, SHIT. POINTS.

MARCELLA.

>> HAWKEYE REALIZES HE'S USELESSAND GOES TO GRAB EVERYONE

STARBUCKS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

YEAH, BUT... BUT WITH AN ARROW.

HE FIRES AN ARROW THAT'S GOT THECHIP IN IT THAT JUST PAYS FOR

ALL THE DRINKS AND THEN BRINGSIT BACK AROUND.

JESSE.

>> HAWKEYE WILL BE PLAYED BYFOREST WHITAKER, AND THEY'RE

GONNA CHANGE HIS NAME TO LAZYEYE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

OH, NO.

OH, NO.