Comedy Central Presents
Season 6

CC Presents: Mike Britt

  • Season 6, Ep 4
  • 05/12/2002

YEP, IT'S BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

WHITE PEOPLE PLEASE Y'ALL AIN'T

SEEN PROPER THERE.

BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

I HATE WHEN BLACK HISTORY MONTH

COME AROUND, THOUGH.

AS SOON AS YOU TURN ON THE TV...

♪ UMBALAYLA, UMBALAYLA,

♪ UMBALAYLAY, UMBALAYLA,

DI SEMBODE, SAY MCDONALD'S?

(LAUGHTER)

"MCDONALD'S?

WHERE'S THAT AT?"

Y'ALL PUT A LOT OF STUFF

ON MY PEOPLE.

YOU ALL PUT A LOT OF STUFF

ON MY PEOPLE.

Y'ALL PUT AIDS ON US.

REMEMBER THEY SAID AIDS

CAME FROM AFRICA, BRO?

REMEMBER THAT?

THE AFRICAN GREEN MONKEY.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, I WATCH A LOT OF

WILD DISCOVERY.

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A GREEN

MONKEY OR NONE OF THEM SHOWS.

EVEN THE AFRICAN PEOPLE

WAS LIKE, "WHAT GREEN MONKEY

ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?"

"THAT'S NO GREEN MONKEY

AROUND HERE.

WHERE?"

THE MONKEYS GOT SCARED,

THEY WAS LIKE, "AR, AR, AR, AR.

I DON'T WANT THAT.

SCARED."

(APPLAUSE)

IT'S TOUGH OUT HERE NOW.

SEX IS TOUGH!

SAFE SEX DONE TOOK ON A

WHOLE NEW FACE NOW.

YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE SEX NOW

WITH A GAS MASK AND A CONDOM.

THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH PROTECTION.

HOW YOU GOING TO HAVE SEX

LIKE THIS?

SHE LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

THAT'S, ACTUALLY--

I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

IT DO SOUND GOOD WHEN YOU SPEAK.

"WHO STUFF IS THIS?"

THAT AIN'T BAD.

THAT AIN'T BAD.

IT ACTUALLY AIN'T BAD.

TOO MUCH OUT HERE, MAN.

THAT'S WHY I TRIED TO GO ON THE

INTERNET.

WE GOT TO BE SAFE THERE.

YOU CAN'T RUN INTO ANY PROBLEMS

ON THE INTERNET.

I WENT ON ONE OF THEM SEX SITES,

YOU KNOW.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL

IS.

I WENT TO BIGBOOBS.COM

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I LIKE.

YOU KNOW?

I WENT IN THERE AND, YOU KNOW,

AND A CHICK WAS SITTING THERE

WITH THE ICON, YOU KNOW,

RIGHT BY HER STUFF WAS LIKE,

"YOU WANT TO SEE MY WET KITTY

CLICK HERE."

YOU KNOW.

"I WANT TO SEE THE KITTY."

RIGHT?

I WANT TO SEE IT.

BUT, I'M ABOUT TO OPEN IT UP,

FRIEND'S LIKE, "NO DON'T OPEN UP

SHE MIGHT HAVE A VIRUS."

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN! HERE, TOO?"

WOW!

SHE HAVE A VIRUS HERE?

I'VE GOT TO GO ON-LINE

WITH GLOVES.

I'VE GOT TO GO ON-LINE

WITH GLOVES.

I TELL YOU IT'S A WASTE OF TIME

IT'S A WASTE OF TIME

TO HATE PEOPLE FOR COLOR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HUH?

'CAUSE I'M GOING TO TELL YOU

WHY.

THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER

PEOPLE YOU CAN HATE THAT'S

NOTHING TO DO WITH COLOR.

I'LL GIVE YOU A FEW EXAMPLES.

I HATE SPORTS ANNOUNCERS.

AND I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE THEY NEVER LET THE PAST

DIE.

THEY ALWAYS GOT TO BRING UP

SOMETHING FROM LONG--

YOU COULD BE AT YOUR HIGHEST

MOMENT IN SPORTS.

BUT THEY JUST LIKE WOMEN.

THEY'LL BRING UP SOMETHING FROM

YEARS AGO THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH RIGHT NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S THE TRUTH.

GUYS, PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOU

WATCH THE GAME.

THE COLOR GUY, HE'LL BE CALLING

THE GAME, "JOHNSON SWINGS IT

INTO JONES, JONES SWINGS IT INTO

JOHNSON, JOHNSON TO RICHARDSON,

RICHARDSON SHOOTS.

IT'S A THREE.

RICHARDSON IS ON A TEAR, BOB.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING,

HE CAME TO PLAY TODAY."

RIGHT?

AND BOB WOULD JUMP IN,

"THAT'S RIGHT, JIM.

CONSIDERING ONLY THREE YEARS AGO

HE WAS CAUGHT WITH CRACK COCAINE

AND UNDER AGE GIRLS AND CHEATING

ON HIS WIFE, HE IS REALLY HAVING

A PHENOMENAL SEASON.

38 POINTS TONIGHT.

TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?

I HATE WHEN YOU EVER BE LOOKING

AT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO ORDER

IT AND YOU WAITING FOR THEM.

YOU GOT THE PHONE, YOU WAITING

FOR THEM TO GIVE YOU THE NUMBER.

BUT THEY DON'T GIVE YOU THE

NUMBER.

THEY GIVE YOU A NUMBER

WITH WORDS.

I HATE THAT, MAN.

'CAUSE IT MAKES YOU FEEL STUPID.

'CAUSE NOW YOU GOT TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT LETTER CORRESPONDS TO WHAT

NUMBER.

YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES IT BAD?

WHEN THE NEXT NUMBER YOU GOT

TO DIAL IS THE SAME LETTER.

RIGHT?

DON'T YOU FEEL STUPID?

YOU LIKE, OKAY, T IS--

T IS 5 AND...THE L IS 5.

BUT THEY ALWAYS HAVE THE NERVE

TO SAY, "HURRY NOW."

HOW CAN I HURRY IF YOU GAVE ME

WORDS?

GIVE ME THE NUMBERS I COULD

CALL.

I HATE CELL PHONES.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE

REGULAR RING?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO

BRRRRINNGGG?

THAT LASTED FOR SO MANY YEARS

AND IT WORKED.

BRRRRRRIIIINNNG.

NOW EVERYBODY GOT A LITTLE TUNE

ON THEIR PHONE NOW.

THAT'S NOT THE BAD PART.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE BAD PART IS?

I HATE TO SEE BROTHERS AROUND

MY WAY LIKE REAL HARD, LIKE REAL

TOUGH, BUT THEY GOT A LITTLE

GIRLY TUNE TO THEIR PHONE.

THEY BE WALKING ALL HARD

AND THEY BE LIKE,

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA

♪ LA, LA, LA

YEAH, THIS MURDER.

I SAID IT THE WHOLE FAMILY, SON.

I SAID THE WHOLE FAMILY.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

♪ LA, LA, LA

I HATE PEOPLE THAT DON'T SAY

THANK YOU WHEN YOU HOLD THE DOOR

FOR THEM.

OHH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, MAN! THAT IS MY WORST.

EVERY TIME.

ESPECIALLY WHEN SOMEBODY

GOT PACKAGES.

AND YOU TAKE YOUR TIME TO HOLD

THE DOOR AND THEY DON'T SAY,

OOH, DON'T YOU JUST WISH YOU

JUST GO BACKWARDS AND NOT HOLD

THAT DOOR?

RIGHT BACK TO WHERE WE WERE AT

'CAUSE I KNEW YOU'S WAS GOING

TO BE A BASTARD.

THIS WAR IS--.

WAR IS SILLY.

WAR IS A SILLY THING.

HOW YOU GOING TO BOMB PEOPLE,

THEN GIVE THEM HUMANITARIAN AID?

THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING IN THE

WORLD, HUH?

HOW YOU GOING TO SEND A PLANE

WITH BOMBS AND THEN THERE'S ONE

WITH SANDWICHES COMING RIGHT

BEHIND THEM?

RIGHT?

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

THEY STAND THERE DROPPING THE

BOMBS IT LIKE,

(WHISTLE)

(BOOM)

"ENJOY YOUR FOOD."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHERE I WILL EAT, AMERICA?

YOU JUST BLEW UP MY HOUSE!"

(LAUGHTER)

SILLY.

SILLY, MAN.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.

THE FUNNIEST THING ABOUT THE

WHOLE THING WAS ARAB PEOPLE

COMPLAINING ABOUT PROFILING.

THAT WAS HILARIOUS TO ME.

THEY AIN'T HANDLING IT TOO WELL.

"I'M NOT A TERRORIST PLEASE."

Y'ALL GOT TO GET SOME STREET

SENSE.

ONE OF THE TERRORISTS WENT TO

A FLIGHT SCHOOL.

HE SAID HE DIDN'T NEED TO LEARN

HOW TO LAND.

AND NOBODY MADE A PHONE CALL

OR SAID NOTHING.

HE JUST WENT THERE AND WAS LIKE,

"AH, OKAY, MUHAMMAD.

AH, TODAY WE ARE GOING TO TEACH

YOU HOW TO LAND."

HE WAS LIKE, "NO, THAT WOULD NOT

BE NECESSARY, MY FRIEND."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

EVERYTHING THAT GOES UP

MUST COME DOWN."

"ONCE AGAIN, NOT NECESSARILY,

MY FRIEND.

IT DEPENDS ON WHO IS FLYING,

MY FRIEND.

WHO IS FLYING."

SILLY, MAN.

THEY CAN'T FIND OSAMA.

I KNEW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

I KNEW IT.

CAN'T FIND HIM IN HIS OWN

BACKYARD.

I KNOW WHY THEY CAN'T FIND HIM.

THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE TO ME.

EVERY TIME I SEE THE TERRORIST

PROFILES, I BE LIKE, THEY GOING

TO HAVE A HARD TIME, CAUSE

AH-TA-HAK MA-ZAK MA-JIG

LOOKS LIKE EL-MA-TICK TA-TOCK.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL

THIS IS?

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY CAN'T GO OVER TO

AFGHANISTAN WITH A COMPOSITE

DRAWING.

THEY'D BE LIKE, "HAVE YOU SEEN

THIS GUY?"

"I HAVE SEEN HIM HERE AND HERE,

AND HERE.

I AM HIM YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

WHAT I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND

IS WHY THEY CAN'T FIND HIM

$25 MILLION REWARD.

$25 MILLION AND NOBODY HAS SAID

NOTHING.

THAT'S A HELL OF A ORGANIZATION.

THE MOB DON'T EVEN HAVE THAT

TYPE OF UNITY NO MORE.

25 MILLION AND NOBODY HAS SAID

NOTHING.

I WAS LIKE, WOW.

BLACK PEOPLE, Y'ALL KNOW,

LET'S KEEP IT REAL.

LET'S KEEP IT REAL.

25 MILLION, IF THAT WAS A BLACK

ORGANIZATION, OSAMA BIN LADEN

WOULD BEEN OSAMA-BIN-CAUGHT.

NOT THIS BROTHER.

FOR 25 MILLION WE WOULD REALIZE

WE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM

TOO MUCH.

THEY START LOW IT WOULD BE LIKE,

"WE GIVE YOU ONE MILLION."

"NO.

COULDN'T HAVE BEEN ME."

"2 MILLION."

"NO."

"TEN."

"NO."

"25."

"YOU KNOW, ONE TIME

HE DISRESPECTED ME IN FRONT OF

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

"I THINK THAT IS WORTH

$25 MILLION OF RETRIBUTION,

I THINK."

HERE'S THE REAL REASON WHY

WE CAN'T FIND HIM.

WE TELL TOO MUCH OF OUR

BUSINESS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WAR.

WHY DO WE TELL EVERYTHING

WE ABOUT TO DO?

RIGHT?

WE RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO FIND

MILITARY INTELLIGENCE ON THEM.

THEY DON'T NEED TO DO THAT.

ALL THEY DO IS WATCH THE NEWS.

THEY SEE EVERYTHING THEY NEED

TO SEE.

I'M TELLING YOU.

THEY PLAN THEIR STRATEGY WITH

THE TV ON AND THEIR MAPS OUT.

THEY GOT THEIR MAPS OUT.

THEY LIKE, "TOMORROW, WE WILL

GO DOWN THE PUSHTAN VALLEY,

AND SURPRISE THEM.

"WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WE WILL NOT GO DOWN

TO PUSHTAN VALLEY."

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHY NOT?"

"BECAUSE IT SAYS ON CNN THAT

THEY ALREADY KNOW ABOUT

THE PUSHTAN VALLEY, MY FRIEND.

THEY ARE COMING TOMORROW

AT 7 O'CLOCK.

IT SAYS THERE, 7 O'CLOCK SHARP."

EVERYTHING IS THERE.

IT'S THERE ON THE TV.

IT'S THERE.

RIGHT?

IS THAT STUPID?

RIGHT?

WE TELL THE RANGE OF OUR

MISSILES.

WHY WOULD YOU TELL THE ENEMY

HOW FAR THE STUFF IS YOU SENDING

AT THEM?

WE TELL THEM.

WE GO 2,000 MILES.

THEY OVER THERE, "TWO THOUSAND

ONE, WE ARE SAFE.

WE ARE SAFE!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

"LARRY KING JUST SAID

2,000 MILES.

I COUNT IT AT ONE TIME

AT A TIME, TIME.

WE ARE SAFE.

I'M TELLING YOU."

IT'S THE ONE TIME I WOULDN'T

MIND THE PRESIDENT BEING VAGUE.

YOU KNOW, ADDRESS THE UNION,

YOU KNOW, ADDRESS THE NATION

BUT DON'T GIVE UP TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHEN THE CAMERAS

COME ON SAY, "AH, AMERICA,

WE HANDLING OUR BUSINESS.

WE'RE KICKING THEIR ASS.

I'LL GET BACK AT YOU."

I BE LIKE A'RIGHT.

A'RIGHT, PLAYER, HANG,

HANG LOOSE.

I'LL SAY ONE THING, BOY,

IT TOOK TOO LONG FOR THE WAR

TO START.

I SAID THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A

JAMAICAN PRESIDENT.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M MARRIED TO ONE.

I'M TELLING YOU, THEY DON'T PLAY

THAT KIND OF STUFF.

SEPTEMBER 11th THE PLANES

WOULD HAVE HIT.

SEPTEMBER 12th IT WOULD HAVE

BEEN STARTED.

SOON AS PRESIDENT DONOVAN

WOULD HAVE SEEN THE PLANES HIT

THE BUILDING, HE WOULD HAVE WENT

OFF.

SOON AS HE SAW THE PLANES

HIT THE BUILDING HE'D BE LIKE,

"CHA-BOOM, McCLOUD."

(LAUGHTER)

THEY JUST MASH UP THE WORLD

TRADE CENTER, YOU KNOW?

THEY MASH UP THE WORLD TRADE

CENTER.

GET MISS CLEO UP ON THE PHONE

AND ASK HER WHERE OSAMA AT.

GET CLEO UP ON THE PHONE

AND HAVE HER PUT DOWN THE

FOOLISHNESS ABOUT THE

RELATIONSHIP AND THE

BULL-(BLEEP) AND TELL US WHERE

OSAMA IS AT, MISS CLEO.

WE NEED INFORMATION FOR

THE PEOPLE, MA'AM, THE PEOPLE.

THE PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY DUMB.

WHEN IT WE

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, THEY DIDN'T

BLOW UP THE TICKET COUNTER.

THEY HIJACKED PLANS.

WE NEED THEM UP IN THE SKIES.

WE NEED PASSENGER 57."

(LAUGHTER)

WE NEED WESLEY SNIPES IN THE

AIR, BABY.

WE NEED WESLEY IN THE AIR.

WE DON'T NEED THEM ON THE

GROUND.

I TELL YOU ONE THING.

IF THEY GOING TO CHANGE THINGS,

I DON'T HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT.

CHANGE SOME STUFF ON THE PLANE

THOUGH.

HERE'S SOMETHING I NEVER

UNDERSTOOD ABOUT AIRPLANES.

I FLY A LOT.

WHY, UNDER MY SEAT,

IN THE AIR PLANE IS THERE

A FLOTATION DEVICE?

WHAT GOOD IS THAT GOING TO DO ME

30,000 FEET IN THE AIR, HUH?

UNLESS, IT CAN FLOAT ON CLOUDS

THIS (BEEP) IS NOT GOING TO HELP

ME TOO MUCH ONCE THIS GO DOWN.

A FLOATA--

I GUESS THE TITANIC HAD

PARACHUTES THEY ALL WOULD HAVE

BEEN SAFE.

EVERYBODY WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL

RIGHT.

TOO MUCH, MAN.

I KNOW WHEN IT WENT DOWN,

I KNOW THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

WAS NERVOUS.

I KNOW THE STATUE OF LIBERTY--

WHEN THE PLANE WENT BY SHE WAS

LIKE, "WHAT THE (BLEEP!"

(LAUGHTER)

SHE PROBABLY TRIED TO BLOW THE

TORCH OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

"SHOOT, I THINK I NEED TO GO

BACK TO FRANCE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SEPTEMBER 11th.

THAT'S A GOOD THING.

YOU KNOW, I JUST RECENTLY

GOT MARRIED.

(APPLAUSE)

HEY!

HEY!

YOU DON'T KNOW HER.

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'

ABOUT HER.

WHAT YOU CLAPPING FOR?

IT'S GOOD.

BUT YOU KNOW ONE THING I NOTICE.

IT DOESN'T, IT DOESN'T MAKE

A DIFFERENCE WHETHER YOU'RE

MARRIED OR NOT.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT

THE PROBLEM IS.

MEN AND WOMEN, WE JUST GONNA

ALWAYS GOING TO SEE THINGS

DIFFERENTLY.

WE NEVER GOING TO SEE THINGS

THE SAME.

RIGHT?

LIKE, A PERFECT EXAMPLE.

WOMEN CAN GET DISRESPECTED

BY A SEXUAL COMMENT.

RIGHT?

NO WOMAN WANTS TO HEAR A MAN

MAKE A SEXUAL COMMENT TO THEM,

YOU KNOW, TRY TO TALK TO THEM.

MOST WOMEN, RIGHT?

YOU DON'T LIKE THAT.

THAT'S DISRESPECTFUL, RIGHT?

SEE, YOU WALKING BY--

LADIES FIRST OF ALL, YOU KNOW

IF IT'S A GROUP OF GUYS

NOTHING POSITIVE IS GOING

TO COME FROM THAT.

YOU DON'T NEVER WALK BY A GROUP

OF GUYS AND THEY GO,

"HELLO, LOVELY LADY.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU THIS

EVENING."

THAT'S JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

SO, AS SOON AS YOU SEE THEM

YOU'RE ALREADY NERVOUS.

AS SOON AS YOU WALK BY,

SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING LIKE

THIS.

"HEY, BABY.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

LOOK AT THAT ASS.

I'D LIKE TO GET A PIECE OF

THAT."

AND THEN YOU TURN AROUND

AND YOU LIKE, "WHAT A PIG.

HOW DISRESPECTFUL."

THAT WON'T BOTHER A MAN.

NOT ONE MAN IN HERE WOULD FEEL

DISRESPECTED BY THAT.

THAT SAVES YOU MY FRIEND,

ALL RIGHT?

THERE'S A BUNCH OF WOMEN

STANDING THERE, AND YOU WALK BY.

AS SOON AS YOU WALK BY ONE OF

THEM JUMP UP AND GO,

"HEY, BIG DADDY.

PANTS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE BULGING.

I BET YOU GOAT A NICE LITTLE

PACKAGE UP IN THERE, RIGHT?"

WE WON'T GET MAD.

WE'LL STOP TO TURN BACK

AND SAY, "WHO SAID THAT?"

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I LIKE THEM TO KEEP IT REAL.

CHICKS...I DON'T KNOW.

WOMEN, Y'ALL LIKE CARDS

AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT

GREETING CARDS?

MOST WOMEN, YOU KNOW, YOU LIKE

WHEN A MAN BRINGS YOU CARDS,

RIGHT?

ONE TIME MY WIFE WAS GIVING ME

THE "YOU DON'T DO THE THINGS

YOU USE TO SPEECH."

YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SPEECH,

RIGHT?

NOT ONLY WAS SHE GIVING ME

THAT SPEECH, BUT RIGHT WHEN

SHE WAS GIVING IT TO ME

A HALLMARK COMMERCIAL CAME ON.

I WAS LIKE, THIS IS NOT GOING

TO BE GOOD.

THIS IS A BAD COMBO RIGHT HERE.

SO THE GUY GAVE THE GIRL,

LIKE, CARDS AND STUFF.

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU SEE, WHY DON'T

YOU DO THAT SOMETIMES?"

I WAS LIKE WHAT, "WHY?"

SHE'S LIKE, "GET ME SOME CARDS."

I SAID, "WHAT'S SO BIG ABOUT

CARDS?"

SHE SAYS, "THEY SAY HOW YOU

FEEL.

THAT'S WHAT."

I SAY, "ALL RIGHT."

SO, I WENT TO AND GOT HER SOME

CARDS.

I WENT AND GOT HER TWO.

HAD THEM SITTING ON THE BED

WHEN SHE CAME HOME.

I SPRAYED THEM WITH THE COLOGNE

THAT I WEAR THAT SHE LIKE.

WHEN SHE SAW THEN SHE'S LIKE,

"AH-HA."

SHE OPEN UP THE FIRST...

"YOU SEE, THIS IS WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU PLAY TOO MUCH.

THIS SAYS 'GET WELL SOON.'"

(LAUGHTER)

I SAID, "CAUSE YOU SICK

AND YOU NEED TO SEE SOMEBODY

ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS, ALL RIGHT?

YOU SICK.

YOU MAKING ME SICK.

IT'S SICK AROUND HERE.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT?

(LAUGHTER)

SHE GONE GRAB THE SECOND CARD UP

SNATCH IT UP ALL UNDER

AND BE LIKE, "AND WHAT IS THIS?

'WISHING YOU WERE HERE.'

WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?"

"I WANT THE WOMAN THAT I MET

10 YEARS AGO.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL

YOU ARE.

ALL RIGHT.

GET YOURSELF TOGETHER."

MIKE BRITT>> I'M GOING TO TELL

YOU WHY WE GET IN A LOT OF

TROUBLE.

MEN, 'CAUSE WE ARE STUPID.

WE ARE STUPID, MEN.

(CHEERS)

TELLING YOU, WE DON'T HAVE THE

LYING CAPACITY THAT WOMEN HAVE.

WOMEN ARE A LOT SMARTER THEN US

WHEN IT COMES TO DOING DIRT.

I'M TELLING YOU.

YOU WANT TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN

CHEATING?

PLANNING.

YEAH.

WOMEN AIN'T-- SHE AIN'T DECIDED

TO SLEEP WITH HIM TODAY.

OH, THEY BEEN WORKING ON THIS

FOR AWHILE.

THEY CALL ALL THE CHICKS

INVOLVED TO ONE PLACE.

THEY'VE GOT CHALKBOARDS UP.

ASSIGNMENTS, HAND OUTS,

WALKIE TALKIES.

THEY ON THE INTERNET.

WWW.SNEAKYBITCHES.COM.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY IS LINKED UP.

I KNOW.

THAT'S GOING TO GO OVER SMOOTH.

GUYS, WHAT DO WE DO?

WE GO AHEAD AND DO HE DIRT,

THEN PRAY EVERYTHING FALL INTO

PLACE AS WE GO ALONG.

THAT'S THE TYPE OF THING MEN DO.

THAT'S ASS BACKWARDS.

THERE'S TOO MUCH EGO.

YOUR EGO GET YOU IN TROUBLE.

HERE'S THE PERFECT EXAMPLE.

I READ AN ARTICLE THE OTHER DAY

THAT SAID A LOT OF WOMEN ARE

HAVING TROUBLE DATING, RIGHT?

BECAUSE THEY MAKING MORE MONEY

THAN MEN NOW 'CAUSE A LOT MORE

WOMEN THAT ARE GOING TO COLLEGE,

YOU KNOW, BECOMING CEOs.

WHICH IS GOOD, RIGHT?

BUT THE MEN ARE FEELING

INTIMIDATED 'CAUSE THE WOMEN

ARE MAKING MORE MONEY.

I SAID WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE

IS THIS?

WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE

IF YOU GOT A GOOD WOMAN AND SHE

MAKING MORE MONEY THEN YOU ARE?

THAT DOESN'T MAKE NO SENSE

AT ALL.

LIVE THE GOOD LIFE.

WHY YOU GOING TO MESS IT UP?

YOUR EGO GOING TO GET YOU

IN TROUBLE.

SEE YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF THE

HOUSE.

LET ME HAVE THE WOMAN MAKING

$500,000 A YEAR AND I MAKE 20.

I'M GOING TO BE THE MAN OF THE

HOUSE BUT I'M SMART.

I KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

IF I'M PLAYING MY GAME

AND SHE COME IN WITH THE SAME

NONSENSE, YOU KNOW, SHE COME IN,

AS SOON AS SHE START YELLING.

"THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU SITTING HERE PLAYING THIS

DAMN GAME.

AIN'T NOTHING DONE"--

I BE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT

BUT YOU DON'T GOT TO YELL."

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT?

NOW I'M GOING TO CLEAN UP

IN HERE.

I'M GOING TO GO IN THAT KITCHEN

AND MAKE SOME LASAGNA WITH SOME

GARLIC BREAD AND SOME SALAD.

AND I'M GOING TO LICK YOU WHERE

YOU LIKE IT AND YOU GOING TO

SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL UP IN MY FACE.

UP IN MY FACE YELLING.

YOU NEED TO BE UPSTAIRS IN THAT

BATH AND BODY BUBBLE BATH

I GOT WAITING FOR YOU

WITH THE PEACH SCRUB.

THAT'S WHERE YOU NEED TO BE.

YOUR ASS UP THEM STAIRS.

I GUARANTEE YOU SHE WON'T SAY

NOTHING.

SHE WON'T MUMBLE BUT GUESS WHERE

SHE BE HEADING.

(LAUGHTER)

"WHO IS HE TALKING TO?"

"TALKING TO YOU."

I DON'T LET NOTHING BOTHER ME

NO MORE.

I'VE RELEASE MYSELF NOW.

WHEN I'M GOING TO GO AWAY FROM

STUFF, I DO THE RIVER DANCE.

THAT'S A PEACEFUL--

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT BROTHER?

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU ALMOST GOT IT.

YOU ALMOST GOT THAT.

YOU GOT THE BOTTOM MOVING

BUT THE TOP AIN'T MOVING YET.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKING ABOUT.

WHAT IF WAS A THUGGED OUT

IRISH DUDE?

BUT HE CHANGED THE RIVER DANCE

A LITTLE BIT?

IT AIN'T THE SAME RIVER DANCE

IT WAS BEFORE.

YOU KNOW IT'D BE SOMETHING

LIKE THIS.

♪ (RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ SO SCREW YOUR PARADE

♪ AND YOUR GREEN LEMONADE

♪ I JUST CAME TO YOUR COUNTRY

♪ TO MAKE SURE I GET LAID

♪ THE RIVER'S DOWN

♪ THE RIVER'S DOWN

(LAUGHTER)

♪ I DON'T NEED A LEPRECHAUN

♪ OR A FOUR LEAF CLOVER

♪ AFTER I SPIN MY LINES

♪ I'M TAKING HIP HOP OVER

♪ THE RIVERS DOWN

♪ THE RIVER'S DOWN

(APPLAUSE)

I HAD A GREAT TIME.

I'M MIKE BRITT.

ENJOY THE REST OF THE NIGHT.

YOU ALL GOD BLESS.

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