Wednesday, August 17, 2016

  • 08/17/2016

Jimmy O. Yang, Francisco Ramos and Milana Vayntrub battle it out for a spot in the finals of @midnight's Non-Trademark-Infringing International Competition for Medals.

On Monday, there was animportant new study released

by the Pew Research Center--

not to be confusedwith a pew research center.

Not to be confusedwith the Le Pew Research Center.

Not to be confused with thePew-Pew-Pew Research Center.

Pew! Pew! Pew!

Or the... P U Research Center.

Do not go in there.

The study is about howwhite people use the Internet,

as is evidenced by everythingI just showed you.

-(laughter)-And it turns out

the Internet's most prolificwriters of Facebook posts

that begin with, "Okay, warning.

This is goingto be a super-long post,"

are holding backon one important area-- race.

According to Pew,67% of white people won't post

about race online,as opposed to YouTube,

where 99% of white peoplehave posted

the "N" word under a videoof a child's birthday party.

Uh, it's a very interestingquestion, by the way.

Why aren't white peopletalking about race?

Why won't they talk about it?I mean, you know,

besides the factthat America has a terrible,

festering race problem

that white peoplewould rather ignore.

Says the white guy.

So, comedians,what's something else

white people won't post about?Jimmy.

A throwback Thursday pickat a Nickelback concert.

-HARDWICK: All right, yeah.They shouldn't. -(laughter)



You tell me, Chris.You're white, right?

Uh... you can't prove that.


-Aah. Aah!-(applause)

-Milana.-How they can't

wait to drink chardonnayand get drunk

to finger each otherat a Coldplay concert.

-(laughter, applause)-HARDWICK: Yes! Exactly!

Donald Trump is strugglingin the polls lately

because he has low approvalratings among many key groups.

Like women, minorities,young people,

people who wear shoeswhen they go to work, and...

and those who want the president

to have a basic graspof decency and grammar.

Uh, now,our research has uncovered

yet another key demographicthat's coming out against Trump.

Who is it?A) Hoverboard enthusiasts?

B) The cast of the 1993 actionmovie Demolition Man?

Very specific group.

-Or C) Cats?-(laughter)

-Jimmy. -Cats because his hairlooks like he just murdered one.

-HARDWICK: Yes.-(laughter)


For the an...

The answer, of course,when it's always on this show,

and it's a question of cats,the answer is always cats.

Uh, let's take a look.

(Trump speaking quietly on TV)





The cat has recognizedthe beast!

-(laughter) -This will surelyturn the Internet against Trump,

-'cause cats are so beloved!-A pussy always knows

-a bigger pussy.-It does, yes.

Uh, I do think I know somethinghe could do to get them back.

HARDWICK:Classic. Classic.

-Okay, I'll vote for him!-Okay!

-Fine!-Oh, Keyboard Trump!

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.


The publishing industry isalways looking for the next,

uh, hit young adult novelabout vampires in love

or sick teens in love

or vampires in lovewith sick teens.

The problem is, young adultsaren't the only ones

who enjoy hot fantasy/illnessliterature.

Old people deservesome steamy reads, too,

which is why tonight's hashtagis #ElderlyBooks. #ElderlyBooks.

Examples might be: Fifty More Shades of Gray;

-(laughter)-and... The Lion, the Witch,

and Who Put All This Poop in My Underwear?

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Francisco. -Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

The Fall in Our Stairs.


-(applause, whooping)-Points.


So good. So good. Points.


Alice in Wonderland: She's Got Alzheimer's.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Jimmy -Pride and Prune Juice.

-Yes, points. Milana.-(laughter)

Are You There, God? Cool, See You Soon.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Jimmy. -Around the Mall in 80 Days.

-Yes, points.-(laughter, applause)

-Milana. -Go Ask Alice About Anal Leakage.

(laughter, groans)



The Catcher in the Rye Bread, Did You Get the Bread?

I Told You to Get the Bread!

-Yes, points. Milana.-(laughter)

Pride and Very Prejudice.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Jimmy. -To Casually Watch a Mockingbird.

-Yes, points.-(laughter, applause)

Very good. Milana.

Horton Hears a Who? A What?


-(applause) -Oh, the performanceon that was flawless.

The performance on thatwas flawless.

-Jimmy. -Eat, Pray, Die.