May 6, 2014 - Bette Midler

  • 05/06/2014

Rand Paul courts Rupert Murdoch at the Kentucky Derby, Georgia allows guns in public, Satanists build a statue in Oklahoma, and Bette Midler discusses "A View From a Broad."

>> Stephen: TONIGHT, A BIGSTEP FORWARD IN GUN RIGHTS,

THOUGH YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE A

STEP BACK.

A NEW MONUMENT GOES UP INOKLAHOMA CITY.

SHOULD BE PRETTY CREATIVE BASED ON HOW THEY NAME THEIR CITIES.

MY GUEST IS SHOW BUSINESS LEGENDBETTE MIDLER.

I'LL ASK HER "DID YOU EVER KNOWTHAT I'M MY HERO?"

SKIDMORE COLLEGE IS OFFERING ACOURSE ON MILEY CYRUS.

IT'S NOT THAT EASY THERE'S A LOTOF HOME TWERK.

THIS IS THE "COLBERT REPORT."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT, EVERYBODY.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEINGHERE.

I JUST GOT TO WET THE WHISTLEFOR A SECOND.

I JUST GOT TO WET THE WHISTLEFOR A SECOND.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: SIT DOWN!

I JUST WANT TO GIVE A SHOUTOUTTO ALL OF OUR FRIENDS IN BELGIUM

WATCHING RIGHT NOW.

( LAUGHTER )NATION, OH, BREATHE THAT IN.

SPRING IS IN THE AIR.

ESPECIALLY SINCE I FIRED UP MYSWEET PEA AND LILAC GLADE

PLUG-IN.

REALLY MAKES IT FEEL LIKESOMETIMES I LEAVE THIS BUILDING.

AND SPRING IS THE SEASON OFLOVE WHEN, SHALL WE SAY THE

BIRDS AND THE BEES GO AT IT INA SWEATY PILE OF HARD-CORE

THORAX-BEAKING.

IN THIS TIME OF COURTSHIPTONGUES ARE WAGGING ABOUT ONE OF

AMERICA'S MOST SOUGHT-AFTERBACHELORS, RUPERT MURDOCH.

LADIES!

LADIES!

HE'S BREATHING!

( LAUGHTER )AND YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHO

RUPERT'S CRUSHIN' ON NOW.

>> RAND PAUL WAS SEEN WITH MEDIAMOGUL RUPERT MURDOCH AT THE

KENTUCKY DERBY LAST WEEKEND.

>> KENTUCKY REPUBLICAN SENATORRAND PAUL AND MEDIA MAGNATE

RUPERT MURDOCH SPENT THE DAYTOGETHER AT THE KENTUCKY DERBY.

MURDOCH WAS PAUL'S SPECIALGUEST.

THERE'S SPECULATION THE JOINTPERHAPS COULD SIGN A MURDOCH

ENDORSEMENT IF HE RUNS FORPRESIDENT.

>> HE GOT RUPERT MURDOCH TO COMEDOWN TO KENTUCKY.

HE GOT HIM TO SPEND THE DAY WITHHIM, TO GET TO KNOW HIM A

LITTLE.

>> Stephen: YES, RAND PULLEDOUT ALL THE STOPS TO IMPRESS HIS

DATE, RUPERT MURDOCH, EVENWORE A FESTIVE DERBY HAT MADE OF

THE FINEST GOPHER PELT.

NATION, I LOVE THIS HOT NEWCELEBRITY POWER COUPLE.

I HAVE EVEN GIVEN RUPERT ANDRAND PAUL THEIR OWN FUN

NICKNAME-- RU-PAUL.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BUT AS HOT AS THIS DATE WAS,

RAND SHOULD NOT GET TOO ATTACHEDTO RUPY HERE BECAUSE MURDOCH IS

STILL PLAYING THE FIELD.

THERE ARE NEARLY A DOZENREPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS

COURTING HIM ALREADY.

HE'S LIKE A G.O.P. VERSION OFTHE BACHELOR, ESPECIALLY SINCE

THEY ALSO WANT NOTHING TO DOWITH ANYONE NAMED JUAN PABLO.

GOOD LUCK TO ALL THE PEOPLE OUTTHERE.

NATION.

WE ALL KNOW THE OBAMA REGIME ISDOING EVERYTHING IT CAN TO

UNDERMINE THE SECOND AMENDMENT.

SURE, OBAMA HASN'T UNDERMINED ITYET, BUT HE ALSO HASN'T

UNDERMINED THE FIRST AMENDMENTSO GUN LOVERS STILL HAVE THE

FREEDOM TO SAY HE'S UNDERMININGTHE SECOND AMENDMENT WITHOUT ANY

EVIDENCE WHICH MAKES US LOOKNUTS, THEREBY UNDERMINING THE

SECOND AMENDMENT.

IT'S ALL A LONG CON.

SO I WAS THRILLED TO SPENDYESTERWEEKEND WITH LIKE-MINDED

PATRIOTS AT THE N.R.A.'S 2014ANNUAL MEETING IN INDIANAPOLIS.

IT WAS OVER NINE ACRES OF GUNS,GEAR, AND OUTFITTERS THAT

FEATURED INNOVATIVE PRODUCTSLIEB THE STALKING SHIELD FOR THE

ETHICAL HUNTER WHO WANTS TOENSURE THEY CALL ONLY THE

STUPIDEST MEMBERS OF THE HERD.

THE STALKING SHIELD THEY'LLNEVER TRUST A TREE AGAIN.

THE CONVENTION ALSO FEATURESSPEAKERS LIKE LOUISIANA GOVERNOR

AND BOY WHO WISHED TO BE BIG,BOBBY JINDAL.

WHO MADE IT CLEAR THE STAKESFACING THE N.R.A. COULD NOT BE

HIGHER.

>> THE SAME LIBERAL EXTREMISTSWHO WANT TO COME TAKE OUR GUNS

ARE THE SAME FORCES THAT WANT TOTAKE AWAY OUR RELIGIOUS LIBERTY.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY!

IF WE CAVE ON GUN CONTROL, NEXTCOMES RELIGION CONTROL, WHICH

MEANS A THREE-DAY WAITING PERIODBEFORE I CAN BUY A BIBLE.

THEN WHAT WILL I PUT IN MYBREAST POCKET TO MIRACULOUSLY

PROTECT ME FROM ALL THE STRAYBULLETS FLYING AROUND.

( LAUGHTER )NOW, ALSO ON THE LECTERN OF

PEOPLE WHO JUST HAPPEN TO BE INTHE NEIGHBORHOOD CARING ABOUT

GUNS AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'MNOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT WAS

FORMER, FORMER SENATOR RICKSANTORUM WHO TALKED ABOUT THE

CRUCIAL ROLE GUNS PLAY IN ANYHAPPY MARRIAGE.

>> KAREN OWNS MORE GUNS THAN IDO.

DON'T KNOW ABOUT MOST MEN, BUT, YOU KNOW, THE DEFAULT GIFT

FOR MOST MEN IS TO BUY FLOWERSON A SPECIAL OCCASION.

FOR ME, THE SAFE BET-- AMMO.

>> Stephen: YES.

WHY SAY IT WITH FLOWERS WHEN YOUCAN SAY IT WITH BULLETS?

IT'S THE GIFT THAT GOES STRAIGHTTO SOMEONE ELSE'S HEART.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

AND, FOLKS--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

A LOT OF AMMO FANS HERE TONIGHT.

( LAUGHTER )AND IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN

EVER FOR THESE HEROS TO STAND UPFOR OUR RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS

AND/OR PLASTIC OAK-BARK TUNICS.

BECAUSE THIS IS A CRITICAL TIMEFOR THE MOST IMPORTANT GUN RIGHT

OF ALL, CONCEALED CARRY.

WHICH IS GUARANTEED BY OURCONSTITUTION.

NOW, YES, YOU CAN'T SEE ITWRITTEN IN THERE.

THAT'S CAUSE IT'S CONCEALED.

( LAUGHTER )SO I WAS HAPPY TO SEE GEORGIA'S

GOVERNOR NATHAN DEAL STAND UPFOR THE RIGHT TO ROCK OUT WITH

YOUR GLOCK NOT OUT.

>> GEORGIA'S GOVERNOR HAS SIGNEDA CONTROVERSIAL GUN BILL INTO

LAW.

>> STARTING JULY 1, PEOPLE INGEORGIA CAN BRING FIREMANS INTO

BARS, LIBRARIES, CHURCHES ANDEVEN SOME GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS.

>> ITS OFFICIAL NAME IS THE"SAFE CARRY PROTECTION ACT."

BUT CRITICS CALL IT THE GUNSEVERYWHERE BILL.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, CRITICS CALL ITTHE GUNS EVERYWHERE BILL.

WHILE SUPPORTERS CALL IT THEGUNS, EVERYBODY, BILL!

AND WITH THIS LAW, WITH THISLAW-- I ASSUME THEY YELL THAT AT

SOMEONE NAMED BILL.

WITH THIS LAW, GEORGIANS WILL BEABLE TO BRING THEIR GUNS TO

SCHOOLS, BARS, CHURCHES, ANDLIBRARIES.

OF COURSE, THERE YOU WILL WANTTO USE A SILENCER.

BUT BEST OF ALL, BEST OF ALL,FOLKS, YOU CAN NOW EVEN PACK

HEAT IN CERTAIN PARTS OF THEAIRPORT, WHICH WILL FINALLY

ALLOW YOU TO DEFEND THAT ONESEAT WITH AN OUTLET.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

SHOCKINGLY-- ( CHEERS )

SHOCKINGLY, SHOCKINGLY, THE GUNSEVERYWHERE BILL DOESN'T COVER

SOME EVERYWHERES.

YES IT BROADENS CONCEALEDCARRY, ELIGIBILITY TO INCLUDE

PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMITTED CRIMESWITH GUNS.

BUT ONLY AFTER THEY'RE OUT OFJAIL.

WHY CAN'T THEY CARRY GUNS INPRISON?

THAT'S WHERE YOU NEED THEM.

THAT PLACE IS FULL OF CRIMINALS!

THIS GUNS EVERYWHERE BILL IS AGOOD START, BUT IT STILL

REQUIRES YOU TO CARRY A GUN TOHAVE A GUN.

THAT'S WHY I SAY WE MUST BROADENGUNS EVERYWHERE TO EVERYWHERE IS

GUNS.

ALL BUILDINGS IN AMERICA MUSTPROVIDE CONCEALED WEAPONS IN

EVENT OF A NONGUN-HAVINGEMERGENCY.

JUST USE THE GUN ON THE CHAIN TOSHOOT THE GLASS AND GRAB THE

GUN.

( APPLAUSE )BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY TO STOP A

BAD GUY WITH A GUN IS A GOOD GUYWITH A GUN.

AND IF EVERYBODY HAS A GUN,CHANCES ARE, AT LEAST ONE OF

THEM WILL BE GOOD.

( LAUGHTER )WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOMEBACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU.

WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOUGOOD PEOPLE THAT THERE IS A WAR

ON RELIGION IN AMERICA.

THE SECULAR HUMANISTS WILL NOTSTOP UNTIL THEY TAKE GOD OUT OF

THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE, CHRISTOUT OF CHRISTMAS, AND THE JEW

OUT OF FOURTH OF JULY.

... CHRISTIANS ARE EVEN UNDERATTACK IN OKLAHOMA WHERE A

FIENDISH PLOT COULD GO OFFWITHOUT A HITCH, UNLIKE THEIR

EXECUTIONS.

>> A SATANIC SCULPTURE IS ALMOSTCOMPLETE AND IT COULD BE GOING

OUTSIDE THE OKLAHOMA STATEHOUSE.

SATANISTS RAISED MONEY FOR ASCULPTURE AFTER A MONUMENT OF

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS WENT UP.

>> I THINK THIS MIGHT BE JUSTPLAIN EVIL.

>> Stephen: IT'S A STATUE OFTHE DEVIL, AND YOU THINK IT

MIGHT BE JUST PLAIN EVIL?

THAT'S LIKE SAYING YOU THINK THETALL GUY SITTING IN THE CHAIR IN

THE MEMORIAL MIGHT BE JUST PLAINLINCOLN.

( LAUGHTER )THE FACT THAT YOU'RE NOT SURE

IT'S EVIL MEANS THAT THIS THINGIS ALREADY WORKING.

( LAUGHTER )HERE'S HOW WE GOT TO WHERE WE

ARE RIGHT NOW.

BACK IN 2005, THE SUPREME COURTRULED THE 10 COMMANDMENTS COULD

NOT BE DISPLAYED ON GOVERNMENTPROPERTY.

OH, REALLY?

BUT IT'S PERFECTLY FINE FORPUBLIC PARKS TO DISPLAY THE

DRUID'S HOLY SYMBOL, THE TREE.

AND FOR THE SKY TO PUT UP THEISLAMIC CRESCENT MOON EVERY

MONTH.

WAKE UP!

IT IS WAXING SHARIA.

THANKFULLY, OKLAHOMA'SLEGISLATURE PASSED A BILL

ALLOWING THE MONUMENT ANYWAY BUTREQUIRING PRIVATE FUNDS TO PAY

FOR THE INSTALLATION.

NOW THESE SATANISTS ARE ABUSINGTHESE LOOPHOLES.

THOSE SATANISTS... THEY USED THECROWD FUNDING SITE INDIEGOGO TO

RAISE ALMOST $30,000 USINGDIABOLICALLY IRRESISTIBLE

AWARDS.

A $100 DONATION GETS YOU ASATANIC MUG AND T-SHIRT BECAUSE

WE KNOW NOTHING PROCLAIMS YOURALLEGIANCE TO THE PRINCE OF

DARKNESS MORE THAN A MATCHINGMUG AND T-SHIRT.

THAT IS THE MOUTH OF MADNESS.

THAT IS THE FACE OF EAGLE.

JUST LOOK AT THIS MONSTROSITY.

IT HAS TWO INNOCENT CHILDRENGAZING UP IN WONDER AT THE DEVIL

AND IS DESIGNED SO REAL KIDS MAYSIT ON THE LAP OF SATAN.

THAT IS WRONG.

KIDS THIS ONLY BE SITTING IN THELAPS OF STRANGE OLD MEN AT THE

MALL.

AND WORST OF ALL, WORST OF ALL,THIS SATANIC STATUE IS NOT EVEN

OF SATAN.

IT'S CLEARLY THE PAGAN IDOLBAPHOMET, A SABBATIC GOAT DEITY

WORSHIPPED BY THE KNIGHTSTEMPLAR.

WHAT KIND OF POSEUR DEVILWORSHIPERS ARE WE DEALING WITH

HERE?

LET ME GUESS-- YOU'RE REFORMEDSATANISTS.

WE BELIEVE ALL PEOPLE SHOULD BEABLE TO IMAGINE THE LORD OF HELL

IN HIS OR HER OWN WAY.

WRONG.

THERE HAVE GOT TO BE RULES, ORJUST BECOME A LUTHERAN, ALREADY.

PLUS, YOU DIDN'T EVEN GETBAPHOMET RIGHT WHO CLASSICALLY

IS DEPICTED WITH PERT FEMALEBREASTS AND A SNAKE-HEADED

CADUCEUS BONER.

BY THE WAY IF YOUR SNAKE-HEADEDCADUCEUS BONER LASTS MORE THAN

FOUR HOURS, CONTACT YOUR WITCHDOCTOR.

AND, FOLKS, I'M SO TIRED OFPEOPLE CONTINUING TO CONFUSE

BAPHOMET WITH SATAN.

AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

JOINING ME NOW IS TONIGHT'SFIRST GUEST, PLEASE WELCOME HE

WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED, SATAN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )MR. SATAN, THANK YOU FOR JOINING

US.

>> HONORED TO BE HERE, STEPHEN.

SORRY, I COULDN'T BE THERE INPERSON BUT THE ONLY FLIGHT TO

NEW YORK WAS IN COACH ON UNITEDAIRLINES.

I SPEND ENOUGH TIME IN HELL ASIT IS.

HA-HA-HA.

>> Stephen: NOW, SATAN, YOUAND I RARELY SEE EYE TO EYE ON

ANYTHING BUT I UNDERSTAND YOUDON'T LIKE THIS STATUE, EITHER.

>> PARDON MY LANGUAGE, STEPHENBUT THIS STATUTE IS HORSE

HOCKEY.

EVERYTHING WITH A GOAT HEAD MUSTBE THE DEVIL.

THAT IS RACIST.

>> Stephen: I DIDN'T REALIZEYOU WERE SO SENSITIVE TO

PREJUDICE.

>> LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I'M THEFATHER OF ALL HATRED DOESN'T

MEAN I'M SOME KIND OF BIGOT.

I WILL TORTURE THE FLESH OF ANYRACE, CREED OR COLOR.

TO PARAPHRASE DR. KING, I HAVE ANIGHTMARE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: NOW, MR. SATAN,HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO BAPHOMET

ABOUT THIS?

>> YES, I HAVE, STEPHEN, AND HEIS SO DEPRESSED, HE WON'T EVEN

LEAVE HIS WATERBED FILLED WITHTHE TEARS OF CHILDREN.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WEREDROPPED TWO MONTHS' SALARIES ON

A PAIR OF HIGH, HARD DOUBLE DsAND THEY DIDN'T EVEN MAKE IT ON

THE STATUE.

THAT'S BOUND TO GIVE YOU SOMEBODY ISSUES.

>> Stephen: THANKS FORJOINING US SATAN.

BUT BEFORE YOU GO, IS THEREANYTHING YOU'D LIKE TO PLUG.

>> YES, CHECK OUT THE INTERNSHIPON DVD AND BLU-RAY.

I'M REALLY PROUD OF IT.

>> Stephen: SATAN, LORD OFHELL, EVERYBODY.

>> BA-BA-BOOIE.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A SHOWBUSINESS LEGEND.

I'LL MAKE HER APOLOGIZE FOR HOWMUCH I CRIED AT THE END OF

"BEACHES."

PLEASE WELCOME BETTE MIDLER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

MISS MIDLER, THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR COMING.

WHAT A PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU ONHERE.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

>> Stephen: SINGER, ACTRESS-->> COMIC.

>> Stephen: COMEDIENNE--WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DESCRIBE

YOURSELF.

>> SMALL, VERY THIN, ELDERLY,BUT I LOOK FABULOUS.

WHAT CAN I SAY?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: YOU DO.

YOU'VE WON-- YOU'VE WON THREEGRAMMIES, FOUR GOLDEN GLOBES,

THREE EMMYS AND A TONY.

AND YOU'RE HERE WITH ANINTERESTING PROJECT.

IT'S A RE-ISSUE OF A BOOK THATYOU ORIGINALLY WROTE AND PUT OUT

IN 1980 CALLED "A VIEW FROM ABROAD."

>> UH-HUH, UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: WHY-- WHYRE-ISSUE A BOOK FROM ALMOST 35

YEARS AGO?

AND CAN I DO THAT, TOO?

>> , OF COURSE, YOU CAN.

IF YOU HAVE A BOOK YOU MAYRE-ISSUE.

EVERYBODY RE-ISSUES STUFFNOWADAYS.

THEY RE-ISSUE THEIR GREAT ALBUM,THEIR GREAT MOVIE.

THE 40th ANNIVERSARY OF"BEACHES," OR WHATEVER THE HECK.

SO I HAVE HAD-- IT WAS IN THEPILE.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAVE THE LITTLEPILES ALL OVER THE HOUSE?

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> AND YOU START TO TRY TO KEEPTHEM IN ORDER EVERY NOW AND

AGAIN.

SO FOUND THIS IN THE PILE AND IREAD IT, AND-- BUT THE VOICE OF

IT IS SO DISARMING AND SO SWEET,NOT LIKE I AM NOWADAYS.

I'M COVERED IN BARNICLES, I'M ACRONE.

IT WAS NICE-- I THOUGHT IT WOULDBE A NICE YET IDEA-- THERE ARE

TWO GENERATIONS BETWEEN THAT ANDTHIS AND THEY DON'T KNOW ME AT

ALL.

I THOUGHT, MAYBE YOU KNOW, MAYBETHEY'LL GET INTO-- I'M NOT JUST

WINNIE FROM HOCUS-POCUS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WHEN YOU WENT

BACK AND INTERESTED AND HEARDTHAT VOICE OF THE YOUNGER YOU,

WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF YOURSELF?

>> YOU KNOW, I WAS SO-- THEREWAS A SWEETNESS TO ME AND A

NAIVETE, AND IT'S ALSO VERY,VERY FUNNY.

I WAS FUNNY IN A VERY EFFORTLESSWAY, AND I REALLY LIKE THAT

VOICE.

I REALLY LIKE-- THERE'S A LITTLEEDGE OF CYNICISM, BUT IT'S

ALSO-- THERE ARE SO MANY LIES INIT!

>> Stephen: REALLY.

>> IT'S SO FULL OF LIES THAT I--IT'S A CONFECTION --

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU THOUGHTABOUT ANNOTATING IT WITH JUST

THE WORD "( BLEEP )" AT THEBOTTOM OF EACH PAGE.

>> THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE.

>> Stephen: YOU SHOULD PUTOUT A TEACHER'S EDITION.

THIS IS DESCRIBING A TOUR, AWORLD TOUR YOU DID IN 1978.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: WERE THEREGROUPIES?

>> FOR WOMEN THERE ARE NOGROUPIES.

>> Stephen: REALLY, NO?

>> YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE SOUNDCREW OR LIGHTING CREW.

YOU GET YOUR PICK OF THEM.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> SOMETIMES IF YOU'RE REALLY--

>> Stephen: DID YOU PARADETHEM BY.

>> YOU CAN SEE HOW I PICKED MYBAND.

I MADE THEM DROP TROU.

THOSE DAYS ARE OVER, OF COURSE,.

>> Stephen: THEY DON'T HAVETO BE.

I HAVE A LOVELY CREW HERE.

ANY OF THESE GUYS WOULD BEHONORED.

THERE IT IS.

THERE IS A PICTURE-->> HOW I CHOOSE MY BAND.

>> Stephen: THAT'S ACTUALLYYOUR BAND WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON.

>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOUSAY TO YOUR YOUNGER SELF NOW IF

YOU COULD TALK TO HER?

>> I WOULD SAY HANG ON.

IT'S GOING TO BE A HELL OF ARIDE.

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD SAY.

>> Stephen: WOULD SHE SAYANYTHING TO YOU?

IS IT A TWO-WAY STREET, WHEN YOURECAPTURE THAT VOICE BY READING

ABOUT YOURSELF WHAT, DO YOUTHINK SHE WOULD SAY TO YOU?

>> SHE WOULD PROBABLY SAY I'MTOUGH I CAN MAKE IT.

INDEED, I DID.

BUT IN A CAREER YOU HAVE YOURUPS AND YOUR DOWNS.

NOT FOR YOU, NOT FOR YOU.

>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN ONEROCKET RIDE TO HEAVEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S TRUE.

I HAVE FOLLOWED YOU, AND IT ISTRUE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

THE REST OF US HIT SNAGS ALLTIME, BUT NOT YOU.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE TOBE DIVINE?

YOU ARE THE DIVINE MISS M..

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANSWHEN IT'S APPLIED TO YOU, "THE

DIVINE?">> WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S SO ODD--

YOU CAN TAKE IT IN TWO WAYS.

I THOUGHT-- YOU KNOW WHEN I WASA GIRL, I USED TO READ ALL THESE

SORT OF VARIOUS GOSSIPY BOOKSAND PEOPLE WOULD GO AROUND

SAYING,"YOU'RE SO DIVINE,DARLING.

YOU'RE DIVINE."

AND I THOUGHT THAT SOUNDS LIKEFUN, BE DIVINE.

I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE GOD-LIKEQUALITY OF IT, I DIDN'T

UNDERSTAND THE REFERENCE TO THESPIRITUALITY OF IT.

AND REALLY THE TRUTH IS, IF YOUSAY YOU'RE DIVINE ENOUGH, YOU

ACTUALLY DO BECOME RATHERGOD-LIKE, BUT IN FACT --

>> Stephen: ISN'T THAT ABURDEN?

>> NO, NOT FOR ME.

NOT FOR ME.

( LAUGHTER )I'M ALWAYS STRUGGLING TO BE ONE

WITH GOD.

I'M ALWAYS STRUGGLING.

YES, I AM, IT'S TRUE.

IN FACT I TOLD MY DAUGHTER ANDHUSBAND I WAS A MESSIAH.

AND THEY BELIEVED ME.

>> Stephen: THAT STORY OFTENENDS, YOU KNOW, KIND OF ROUGH.

>> VERY BADLY.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: IT HAS A HAPPYENDING, BUT IN BETWEEN, THERE'S

A TROUGH.

>> YES, YES.

I DO-- I'VE SEEN THE PICTURE.

I SAW THE MOVIE.

>> Stephen: YOU DESCRIBEDYOURSELF AS SOMETHING OF A

MISFIT.

EVERYBODY LIKES YOU.

HOW COULD YOU BE A MISFIT?

>> I WAS BORN IN HAWAII, AND IWAS BORN IN HAWAII IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE LAST CENTURY-- I'M NOTGOING TO TELL YOU WHEN.

I WAS BORN IN HAWAII, AND INTHOSE DAYS, THE DAYS THAT I WAS

GROWING UP, WHITE PEOPLE WERECONSIDERED THE ENEMY.

AND IF YOU WERE WHITE THEYCALLED YOU THINGS LIKE HOLLY

CRAB OR ( BLEEP ) OR THIS ORTHAT.

>> Stephen: WHAT DOES HOWLYMEAN?

>> WHITE PERSON.

FOLLOW ALONG, HONEY, FOLLOWALONG.

WHITE, WHITE.

>> Stephen: I DON'T SPEAKALOHA.

>> HAWLEY MEANS A FOREIGNER ANDIT REFERS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE

WHITE.

>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE TODEVELOP A CHARACTER?

>> I DID, I REALLY DID.

I DEVELOPED A LOT OF ARMOR INTHOSE DAYS.

IT WAS OKAY.

IT REALLY WAS OKAY.

WHEN I DISCOVERED THAT IACTUALLY COULD MAKE THOSE PEOPLE

WHO WERE NOT HAPPY WITH MELAUGH, THIS WAS A BIG STEP

FORWARD FOR ME.

AND, REALLY, I NEVER LOOKED BACKFROM THAT.

THINGS CHANGED FOR ME ONE ILEARNED THAT I COULD MAKE PEOPLE

LAUGH.

AND THEN ONCE I WENT TO A HIGHSCHOOL WHERE THERE HAPPENED TO

BE A FEW MORE WHITE PEOPLE THANME, SO I KNOW ABOUT

DISCRIMINATION.

I KNOW ABOUT THAT.

BECAUSE I FELT IT.

I KNOW WHAT THAT'S ABOUT.

AND MY DAD WAS FANTASTIC.

MY DAD WAS LIKE EVERYBODY'SSWELL.

EVERYBODY'S GREAT.

IT DIDN'T MATTER WHAT COLORYOU WERE.

IT DIDN'T MATTER WHAT COLOR YOUWERE.

HE WAS THE MOST TOLERANT MAN IEVER MET AND I THINK I GOT A LOT

OF THAT FROM HIM.

>> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOUDO THIS CHARACTER THE DIVINE

MIS"M"?

>> I'M STILL DOING IT.

I SHOWED UP HERE, DIDN'T I?

I HAVE BEEN DIVINE FOR ABOUT-- ISTARTED OUT, I THINK SINCE 1967.

I CLAIMED MYSELF DIVINE IN 1967,

AND I NEVER CHANGED MY TUNE.

>> Stephen: SO YOU CAN MAKEAN ENTIRE CAREER OF PLAYING A

CHARACTER OF YOURSELF.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS )BETTE MIDLER, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> MY PLEASURE.

>> Stephen: BETTE MIDLER, THEBOOK IS "A VIEW FROM A BROAD."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: GOOD NIGHT,EVERYBODY.

>> Stephen: GOOD NIGHT,EVERYBODY.

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