Burr, Crasnick, McCullough, Jen's Revenge

  • Season 2, Ep 0203
  • 06/19/1998

NEVER GET ENOUGH OF "BRAAHHH".

SCARES PEOPLE WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET

AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

IT SCARES PEOPLE.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON ?

SO I'M SPENDING SOME TIME OUTHERE IN LOS ANGELES.

LOS ANGELES.

PEOPLE ARE SO POLITE, MAN.

WHAT IS IT, THE SUN ?

GREAT DAY, AIN'T IT ?

EVERYTHING'SLIKE SPECIAL HERE.

DINERS AND STUFF.

"TODAY WE HAVE THE CHOPPED STEAK."

SHUT UP, IT'S A BURGER !

SWISS CHEESE, DUMMY.

BRING IT OUT,SHUT UP.

YOU GUYS EAT IN LIKE ITALIAN RESTAURANTS OUT HERE ?

( cheers )

THEY'RE NOT REALITALIAN RESTAURANTS, MAN.

YOU GOT TO GO TO NEW YORK.

THEY'LL YELL AT YOU !

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ?!"

( yelling )

ALRIGHT MAN,

TWO SLICES,RELAX.

CHINESE RESTAURANTS.

I HAVEN'T EVEN SEENA CHINESE RESTAURANT OUT HERE.

THAT'S ALRIGHT.

I ONLY LIKE CHINESE RESTAURANTSWHEN I WANT TO BE ABUSED.

THEY RUSH YOU OUT OF THERE,SOON AS YOU WALK IN.

"OKAY, READY TO ORDER ?OKAY, COME ON, HURRY UP, ORDER."

THERE'S ONLY THREE PEOPLE IN THERE.

"COME ON, ORDER NUMBER TWO,FRIED RICE.

YOU WERE GONNAORDER THAT ANYWAY."

SOON AS YOU ORDER, TWO SECONDSLATER THEY'RE THERE.

"OKAY, EGG ROLL,

CHINESE, FRIED RICE, OKAY."

PEOPLE TOLD ME THAT WAS GONNA BE NICE.

IT WASN'T NICE,IT WAS EVIL.

LAS VEGAS WASTHE MOST EVIL TOWN

I'VE EVER BEEN TOIN MY LIFE.

SERIOUSLY, ANY OTHER TOWN YOU GO TO,

THERE'S A LITTLE DEVIL ANDA LITTLE ANGEL ON YOUR SHOULDER,

GIVING YOU A LITTLE GOOD ADVICE,AND A LITTLE BAD ADVICE.

YOU GO TO LAS VEGAS, THERE'SLIKE A DEVIL AND A DEVIL,

AND THEY'RE JUST BATTLINGIT OUT THE WHOLE WEEK.

IT'S LIKE, "SMOKE SOME CRACK,GET A HOOKER !"

"YEAH, THIS IS A GOOD TOWN.

SOME CRACK AND GET A HOOKER, ALRIGHT !"

OH, LOOK AN ATM,OKAY, HERE WE GO !

I LOST ALL MY MONEY,NOW WHAT DO I DO ?

"GET A GUN,ROB THE CASINO !"

GOOD IDEA !

LOOK AT ALL THE LIGHTS !

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

MY GIRL ENJOYED IT.

I'VE BEEN GOING OUT WITH THIS PUERTO RICAN GIRL.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIMEI'VE EVER BEEN

IN AN INTERRACIALRELATIONSHIP, MAN.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

IT REALLY IS.

SERIOUSLY, IT IS.

REALLY LIKE BROADENSYOUR HORIZONS.

LEARN ABOUT THE NEW PERSON,A NEW GROUP AND ALL THAT.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,THE SEX, UNBELIEVABLE.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M ACTUALLY WILLING TO BET

THAT INTERRACIAL SEX IS PROBABLY

SOME OF THE BEST SEX ON THE PLANET.

YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS ?

'CAUSE WITH INTERRACIAL SEX

THERE'S LIKE THIS WHOLEADDED PRESSURE TO PERFORM.

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT JUSTHUMPING FOR YOURSELF.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE HUMPING FOR YOUR RACE.

YEAH, SOME OF YOUBEEN THERE.

I'M TELLING YOU.

YOU GOTTA REPRESENTYOUR PEOPLE.

YOU CAN'T DO A BAD JOB.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,I BETTER DO A GOOD JOB HERE."

IT'S LIKE THE SEXUAL OLYMPICS.

REPRESENTING IRELAND,BILLY BURR, HOW YOU DOING ?

LET ME GET STRETCHED OUT HERE,YEAH !

YOU CAN LITERALLY HEREYOUR ANCESTORS

CHEERING YOU ONIN THE BACKGROUND.

THEY'RE GOING,"COME ON, GIVE IT TO HER FOR CHRISSAKE !

"COME ON, GET THAT,C'MON !

"LET HER KNOW WHAT THAT LEPRECHAUN'S ALL ABOUT !

"GIVE HER THAT POT OF GOLD,GIVE HER THAT POT OF GOLD !

WE'LL GET YOU A GUINNESS,COME ON !"

YOU GOT A HOOKER,HEY, WHO HASN'T ?

SERIOUSLY.

EVERY GUY BASICALLY HASTHREE STORIES, OKAY ?

HE'S GOT A HOOKER STORY,

HE'S GOT A GOINGTO JAIL STORY,

AND HE'S GOT A GETTINGHIS ASS KICKED STORY.

AM I RIGHT ?SERIOUSLY.

AND ONCE YOU HAVETHOSE THREE STORIES,

THEN YOU CAN GET MARRIED.

'CAUSE YOU GOT THE EVIL OUT OF YOU.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA WORRY,WHAT WAS THAT LIKE ?

I DID THAT, I GOT MY ASS KICKED,IT WAS STUPID.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO, MAN.

WE SIT AROUND AND WE TELL STORIES.

A GOOD STORY IS ALWAYSYOU DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

THAT'S WHY NICE PEOPLEARE SO DAMN BORING.

I MEAN THEY'RE NICE,BUT THEIR STORIES SUCK.

A NICE PERSONTELLS YOU A STORY,

HALF WAY THROUGH ITI JUST WANT TO START SCREAMING.

"I WENT TO THE BEACH TODAYAND SAW A SUNRISE",

I'M LIKE...AAHH !!

WHERE ARE THE HOOKERS ?

WHERE'S THE DRUGS ?

THOSE ARE TWO KEY ELEMENTSFOR A STORY.

DID THE COPS SHOW UP ?THEN YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEBODY'S TELLINGYOU A GOOD STORY THOUGH ?

I LOVE STORIES.

WHEN SOMEONE'STELLING YOU A GOOD STORY

YOU ALWAYS CAN TELL 'CAUSE THEIR VOICE DROPS

LIKE THREE OCTAVES,LIKE A MINUTE INTO THE STORY.

STARTS OFFAT A NORMAL TONE.

"MAN, I WENT TO THE BAR LASTNIGHT, THE PLACE WAS PACKED !

( softer voice )"ALL OF A SUDDENTHIS CHICK CAME IN,

HER TITTIESDOWN TO HERE."

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ?!

THAT'S THE GOOD PART,THAT'S THE EVIL.

I WANT TO HEAR THAT !

GOOD STORIES AREALWAYS TOLD QUIETLY,

BUT BAD STORIES ARE ALWAYS TOLDWAY TOO DAMN LOUD.

YOU'LL BE ON THE BUS,

YOU'LL BE SITTING INTHE FRONT ROW OF THE BUS

AND THEN SOME JACKASS 20 ROWS BACK

TELLING THE WORST STORY EVER,

AND YOU CAN HEAREVERY WORD OF IT.

"OH, MY GOD, WE WEREWATCHING TV LAST NIGHT.

"IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE,ALL OF SUDDEN IT SHUT OFF.

"WE WERE LIKE, "WOW, THAT NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE."

THEN WE REALIZED THE CAT KNOCKEDTHE PLUG OUT OF THE OUTLET."

SHUT UP !

DON'T YOU WISH GOOD STORIESWERE TOLD LOUDLY ?

MAKE YOUR DAY SO MUCH DAMN MORE ENJOYABLE.

YOU'RE RIDING ON THE BUSGOING TO WORK

AND SOME GUY TELLS SOMECRAZY STORY 20 ROWS BACK.

YOU'RE HEARING IT,IT WOULD BE GREAT.

"DARRYL, HOW WASYOUR NIGHT ?"

"PRETTY CRAZY, MAN.

"I WAS RIDINGIN MY CAR,

"I LOOKED DOWNTO TURN THE STATION.

"I HIT SOME DUDEON A BIKE !

"YEAH, HE GOT UP,SO I JUST TOOK OFF, MAN.

"I THINK HE GOT MY PLATE.

"LOOK, DON'T TELL ANYBODYOR I'LL KILL YOU."

I'M FEELING GOOD.

I'M TRYING TO GET BUFFIN THE NINE EIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT'SGOING DOWN.

YEAH, TRYING TO MAKE ITHAPPEN, YOU KNOW ?

IT'S A HARD CITY TO TRYAND GET BUFF IN THOUGH,

'CAUSE EVERYBODY LOOKS SO GOOD,

THEY MAKE YOU FEEL BAD STARTING OUT.

I'M NOT IN BAD SHAPE,THAT'S THE SAD THING.

LET ME PUT IT TO YOUTHIS WAY, ALRIGHT ?

I GOT LIKE THE PERFECT BODYFOR A EIGHTH GRADER.

YEAH, IF THIS WERE JR. HIGH,I'D BE THE MAN, Y'ALL.

DAMN NEAR BE THE BULLY.

BE THAT CRAZY DUDEOVER BY THE MONKEY BARS.

"MAN, SULI'S CRAZY.

HE DRANK THREECHOCOLATE MILKS TODAY !"

I'VE BEEN TRYINGTO WORK OUT.

I DON'T LIKE WORKING OUT IN GYMS THOUGH,

I DON'T LIKE THAT.

EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS LOOKING AT ME

TRYING TO FIGURE OUTWHAT I'M DOING THERE.

"OH, HE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE WORKING OUT.

"HE MUST BE DESIGNINGTHE GYM'S WEB SITE.

"THAT'S "scrawny.com",THAT'S WHO THAT IS.

HE MUST BE DOINGA BOOK REPORT ON NAUTILUS."

YOU KNOW WHAT MADE ME HAVE JOIN A GYM ?

THIS IS THE TRUTH.

IT WAS THIS WOMAN,THIS GIRL.

YEAH, WOMEN MAKE YOU DOSOME CRAZY THINGS.

YEAH, THIS GIRL, SHE CALLED ME"CHICKEN ARMS", Y'ALL.

ISN'T THAT JACKED UP ?

THIS LITTLE NINE-YEAR-OLDWHITE GIRL

CALLED ME "CHICKEN ARMS".

I REALLY ONLY GOT A COUPLE OF CHOICES

WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN.

THESE ARE MY CHOICES, KEEP TRYING TO WORKOUT,

MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN,

OR "B", MOVE TO ETHIOPIA.

NO, I CAN MAKE ITHAPPEN IN ETHIOPIA.

I WOULDN'T HAVE TOLIFT ANOTHER WEIGHT

JUST GETTING OFF THE PLANE,THEY'D GO NUTS.

"OH, MY GOD,LOOK AT HIM !

"HE IS MAGNIFICENT.

HE MUST WEIGH 118 POUNDS !"

YOU GUYS BASKETBALL FANS ?

( cheers )

YEAH, I LOVE DENNIS RODMAN.

THAT DUDE ISCRAZY, Y'ALL.

HE AIN'T STRANGE,HE'S STRANGAY.

HE TAKES IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

YOU KNOW HIS FANTASY IS TO PLAY HIS LAST NBA GAME

BUTT-ASS NAKED.

YEAH, YOU KNOW SOMETHING ?

I DON'T WANT TOGO TO THAT GAME.

BUT I BET HE'LL PROBABLY BREAKTHE REBOUND RECORD THAT NIGHT.

YEAH, HE'LL BEUNSTOPPABLE THAT NIGHT.

JUST...

DUDE'S LIKE, "HEY !"

COULD YOU IMAGINE HAVING TOGUARD DENNIS RODMAN THAT NIGHT ?

IMAGINE YOUR COACH IS LIKE,"SEE THAT NAKED DUDE THERE ?

THAT'S YOUR MAN."

"OH, HELL NO, COACH,HELL NO.

THAT'S YOUR MAN."

I DON'T WANT TO ACCIDENTALLYBRUSH UP AGAINST THE WORM.

DID YOU GUYSHEAR ABOUT THIS ?

THIS WILLBLOW YOUR MIND.

THE KU KLUX KLAN

IS PROTESTINGBARNEY THE DINOSAUR.

STRAIGHT UP,I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP.

THE KLAN ISPROTESTING BARNEY,WANT TO KNOW WHY ?

'CAUSE THEY FOUND OUT THE DUDE INSIDE THE SUIT...

IS BLACK.

YEAH...

I GUESS YOU CAN BE PURPLEIN THIS COUNTRY,

BUT YOU JUST CAN'TBE BLACK, HUH ?

BARNEY IS A BROTHER Y'ALL.

TAKE A SECOND,LET THAT SINK IN.

HE'S TYRONE-ASAURUS REX,ALRIGHT ?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY,IF YOU WATCH THAT SHOW,

YOU CAN FIGURE THAT OUTON YOUR OWN.

THINK ABOUT IT.

DINOSAUR, 6'3",AND CAN DANCE.

WEARS A PURPLE FUR COAT...

WITH GREEN TRIM.

THAT'S PIMP GEAR, Y'ALL,ALRIGHT ?

HIS GIRL'S NAME IS BABY BOP.

AND WHAT'S THE KLAN DOINGWATCHING "BARNEY AND FRIENDS"

IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE ?

I GUESS LEARNING TO READ LIKETHE OTHER CHILDREN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MY FAMILY STILL LIVES THERE,

AND I NOW LIVE 3,000 MILES AWAY,

RIGHT HERE IN BEAUTIFULSUNNY CALIFORNIA.

( applause )

COINCIDENCE ? I DON'T THINK SO.

THIS WAS A CAREFULLYPLANNED MOVE.

I LOVE MY FAMILY AND YETI WANT TO BE HAPPY.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM I'MHAVING RIGHT NOW.

SEE THE PROBLEM RIGHT THERE ?

THE FIRST THING I SEEWHEN I GO HOME

IS A CERAMIC PIG

WITH SWEET'N LOW COMING OUT OF ITS ASS.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

IT'S JUST AMAZINGWHAT HAPPENS BACK THERE.

I COME FROM A FAMILY

WHERE THERE'S A LOT OF TRAGEDY GROWING UP.

I MEAN, HONESTLY,

THERE WAS A LOT OFDEATH IN THE HOUSE

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.

I ALWAYS KNEWTHAT SOMEONE HAD DIED

BECAUSE OF THE SUDDEN APPEARANCE

OF A 30 CUP PERCOLATOR ON THE KITCHEN STOVE.

YOU REMEMBER THE BIG BOY.

THAT TOLD ME THATA FUNERAL BRUNCH

WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN IN THE HOUSE.

WITH THAT GREAT PERKING SOUND,EVERY SUNDAY.

REMEMBER THIS SOUND ?

( percolating sounds )

WITH THE LIGHT THATCAME ON EVERY FIVE SECONDS,

IT SAID TO ME,"DEATH IN THE FAMILY,DEATH IN THE FAMILY,

"WAKE UP AND THE SMELL THE PAIN,TROUBLE IS A BREWING."

THERE WHEN WE WEREAT THE CEMETERY.

IT'S JUST AMAZINGBECAUSE MY MOM HAS A NEED.

I DON'T KNOW IFYOUR MOM IS LIKE THIS,

BUT MY MOM HAS A NEED TO GIVE METHE TRAGIC HEALTH NEWS.

SOON AS I WALK IN THE DOORWHILE SHE'S FEEDING ME

LARGE DELICATESSEN SANDWICHES,

AND SHE'S ALWAYS WAITING WITH THE BAD NEWS.

HER WHOLE WORLDIS A CAREFULLY

CHOREOGRAPHED COMBINATIONOF TWO THINGS.

WHOLE WORLD IS A COMBINATIONOF FOOD AND ILLNESS.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

NOW HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

FEEDS ME, GIVES ME THE BADNEWS ON TOP OF IT.

SEE WHAT SHE DOES ?IT'S LIKE A PSYCHO SANDWICH.

CAN YOU SEE THAT ?

THEN SHE TURNS INTO A GUILT-RIDDEN JAI ALAI PLAYER.

I HAVEN'T SEEN HERIN SIX MONTHS.

FIRST WORLDS OUT OF HER MOUTHALWAYS ABOUT THE FOOD,

AND THEN THE TRAGIC HEALTH NEWS.

"HONEY, SWEETHEART, COME ON IN THE KITCHEN.

"I HAVE VERY LEAN CORNBEEF FOR YOU.

"ENJOYING THAT SANDWICH YET ?DOES THAT TASTE GOOD ?

"GREAT, BECAUSE TODAY YOURAUNT ROSE HAD A MASSIVE STROKE.

"JUST MASSIVE,HUGE, LOT OF PAIN.

"NOW SHE'S TOTALLY ALONE AND LIVES JUST LIKE A DOG.

"MORE JUICE, HONEY ?HAVE SOME JUICE, HONEY.

"ENJOYING THAT ? HAVE SOMEDELICIOUS POTATO SALAD.

"WHY DON'T YOU CHEW ON THATWHILE I TELL YOU ABOUT THIS...

"YOU REMEMBER YOUR FRIENDDEBBIE LEVINE, DON'T YOU ?

"SHE'S GOING THROUGH A CROSSWALK,

"ALONG COMES A CARLIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL.

SHE'S A VEGETABLE, HONEY.MORE PEAS ?"

SHE SCARED THE HELL OUT OF HIM,I THINK.

AND SO THE WAY HE GOT AWAYWAS LIKE A LOT OF MEN,

HE LOVED BASEBALL.

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS GREAT MEMORY.

MY DAD AND I WATCHINGTHE '78 PLAYOFF GAME

BETWEEN THE YANKEESAND THE BOSTON RED SOX,

AND MY FATHER IS WATCHING THE GAME AND HIS HERO,

A FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER,

HAD HIT A HOME RUN OFFRON GUIDRY THAT YEAR,

WHO WAS UNTOUCHABLE,

AND ALL OF A SUDDENMY DAD STARTS TO CRY.

AND I LOOKED AT HIM AND I SAID,"DAD, WHAT'S THE MATTER ?"

AND HE SAID,

"ED, I'M TRAPPED IN A MARRIAGE I DON'T UNDERSTAND."

AND MY FAVORITE MEMORY ANDI'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS:

IS MY FATHER BUYING ME MY FIRST BICYCLE.

HE BOUGHT ME A HUFFY.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THESE BIKES.

HE WENT TO SEARS.

BEAUTIFUL BIKE, A HUFFY.

IT WAS FIRE ENGINE RED, CHROME FENDERS, BANANA SEAT.

SISSY BAR FIFTY FEET TO THE SKY.

STREAMERS COMING OUT OF THE HANDLEBARS.

AND EVERY TIME I RODE IT ILOOKED LIKE THE GRAND MARSHALL

IN THE TOURNAMENT OF ROSES PARADE.

SATURDAY MORNING COMES, DAD ANDI HAVE GONNA TAKE A TEST DRIVE.

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THESTREET, THE SUN IS SHINING.

ALL THE NEIGHBORS ARE OUTON THEIR PORCHES WATCHING.

AND DAD'S HOLDING ON TO THAT BACK RIM

TO MAKE SURE I DON'T FALL AND AWAY WE GO.

AND I LOVE THIS BIKE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, THE MORE I PEDALED, THE HAPPIER I GOT.

AND THEN A WONDERFUL THING HAPPENS,

HE LETS GO.

HOW EXCITING.

I'M GETTING AWAY FROM MY FAMILY.

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