Burr, Crasnick, McCullough, Jen's Revenge

  • Season 2, Ep 203
  • 06/20/1998

Bill Bur gets bad advice in Las Vegas and explains what men have to do before getting married.

NEVER GET ENOUGH OF "BRAAHHH".

SCARES PEOPLE WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET

AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

IT SCARES PEOPLE.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON ?

SO I'M SPENDING SOME TIME OUTHERE IN LOS ANGELES.

LOS ANGELES.

PEOPLE ARE SO POLITE, MAN.

WHAT IS IT, THE SUN ?

GREAT DAY, AIN'T IT ?

EVERYTHING'SLIKE SPECIAL HERE.

DINERS AND STUFF.

"TODAY WE HAVE THE CHOPPED STEAK."

SHUT UP, IT'S A BURGER !

SWISS CHEESE, DUMMY.

BRING IT OUT,SHUT UP.

YOU GUYS EAT IN LIKE ITALIAN RESTAURANTS OUT HERE ?

( cheers )

THEY'RE NOT REALITALIAN RESTAURANTS, MAN.

YOU GOT TO GO TO NEW YORK.

THEY'LL YELL AT YOU !

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ?!"

( yelling )

ALRIGHT MAN,

TWO SLICES,RELAX.

CHINESE RESTAURANTS.

I HAVEN'T EVEN SEENA CHINESE RESTAURANT OUT HERE.

THAT'S ALRIGHT.

I ONLY LIKE CHINESE RESTAURANTSWHEN I WANT TO BE ABUSED.

THEY RUSH YOU OUT OF THERE,SOON AS YOU WALK IN.

"OKAY, READY TO ORDER ?OKAY, COME ON, HURRY UP, ORDER."

THERE'S ONLY THREE PEOPLE IN THERE.

"COME ON, ORDER NUMBER TWO,FRIED RICE.

YOU WERE GONNAORDER THAT ANYWAY."

SOON AS YOU ORDER, TWO SECONDSLATER THEY'RE THERE.

"OKAY, EGG ROLL,

CHINESE, FRIED RICE, OKAY."

I WENT TO LAS VEGASLAST WEEK.

PEOPLE TOLD ME THAT WAS GONNA BE NICE.

IT WASN'T NICE,IT WAS EVIL.

LAS VEGAS WASTHE MOST EVIL TOWN

I'VE EVER BEEN TOIN MY LIFE.

SERIOUSLY, ANY OTHER TOWN YOU GO TO,

THERE'S A LITTLE DEVIL ANDA LITTLE ANGEL ON YOUR SHOULDER,

GIVING YOU A LITTLE GOOD ADVICE,AND A LITTLE BAD ADVICE.

YOU GO TO LAS VEGAS, THERE'SLIKE A DEVIL AND A DEVIL,

AND THEY'RE JUST BATTLINGIT OUT THE WHOLE WEEK.

IT'S LIKE, "SMOKE SOME CRACK,GET A HOOKER !"

"YEAH, THIS IS A GOOD TOWN.

SOME CRACK AND GET A HOOKER, ALRIGHT !"

OH, LOOK AN ATM,OKAY, HERE WE GO !

I LOST ALL MY MONEY,NOW WHAT DO I DO ?

"GET A GUN,ROB THE CASINO !"

GOOD IDEA !

LOOK AT ALL THE LIGHTS !

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

MY GIRL ENJOYED IT.

I'VE BEEN GOING OUT WITH THIS PUERTO RICAN GIRL.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIMEI'VE EVER BEEN

IN AN INTERRACIALRELATIONSHIP, MAN.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

IT REALLY IS.

SERIOUSLY, IT IS.

REALLY LIKE BROADENSYOUR HORIZONS.

LEARN ABOUT THE NEW PERSON,A NEW GROUP AND ALL THAT.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,THE SEX, UNBELIEVABLE.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M ACTUALLY WILLING TO BET

THAT INTERRACIAL SEX IS PROBABLY

SOME OF THE BEST SEX ON THE PLANET.

YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS ?

'CAUSE WITH INTERRACIAL SEX

THERE'S LIKE THIS WHOLEADDED PRESSURE TO PERFORM.

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT JUSTHUMPING FOR YOURSELF.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE HUMPING FOR YOUR RACE.

YEAH, SOME OF YOUBEEN THERE.

I'M TELLING YOU.

YOU GOTTA REPRESENTYOUR PEOPLE.

YOU CAN'T DO A BAD JOB.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,I BETTER DO A GOOD JOB HERE."

IT'S LIKE THE SEXUAL OLYMPICS.

REPRESENTING IRELAND,BILLY BURR, HOW YOU DOING ?

LET ME GET STRETCHED OUT HERE,YEAH !

YOU CAN LITERALLY HEARYOUR ANCESTORS

CHEERING YOU ONIN THE BACKGROUND.

THEY'RE GOING,"COME ON, GIVE IT TO HER FOR CHRISSAKE !

"COME ON, LADDY, GET THATPASTY BUM GOING, C'MON !

"LET HER KNOW WHAT THAT LEPRECHAUN'S ALL ABOUT !

"GIVE HER THAT POT OF GOLD,GIVE HER THAT POT OF GOLD !

WE'LL GET YOU A GUINNESS,COME ON, LADDY!"

YOU GOT A HOOKER,HEY, WHO HASN'T ?

SERIOUSLY.

EVERY GUY BASICALLY HASTHREE STORIES, OKAY ?

HE'S GOT A HOOKER STORY,

HE'S GOT A GOINGTO JAIL STORY,

AND HE'S GOT A GETTINGHIS ASS KICKED STORY.

AM I RIGHT ?SERIOUSLY.

AND ONCE YOU HAVETHOSE THREE STORIES,

THEN YOU CAN GET MARRIED.

'CAUSE YOU GOT THE EVIL OUT OF YOU.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA WORRY,WHAT WAS THAT LIKE ?

I DID THAT, I GOT MY ASS KICKED,IT WAS STUPID.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO, MAN.

WE SIT AROUND AND WE TELL STORIES.

A GOOD STORY IS ALWAYSYOU DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

THAT'S WHY NICE PEOPLEARE SO DAMN BORING.

I MEAN THEY'RE NICE,BUT THEIR STORIES SUCK.

A NICE PERSONTELLS YOU A STORY,

HALF WAY THROUGH ITI JUST WANT TO START SCREAMING.

"I WENT TO THE BEACH TODAYAND SAW A SUNRISE",

I'M LIKE...AAHH !!

WHERE ARE THE HOOKERS ?

WHERE'S THE DRUGS ?

THOSE ARE TWO KEY ELEMENTSFOR A STORY.

DID THE COPS SHOW UP ?THEN YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEBODY'S TELLINGYOU A GOOD STORY THOUGH ?

I LOVE STORIES.

WHEN SOMEONE'STELLING YOU A GOOD STORY

YOU ALWAYS CAN TELL 'CAUSE THEIR VOICE DROPS

LIKE THREE OCTAVES,LIKE A MINUTE INTO THE STORY.

STARTS OFFAT A NORMAL TONE.

"MAN, I WENT TO THE BAR LASTNIGHT, THE PLACE WAS PACKED !

( softer voice )"ALL OF A SUDDENTHIS CHICK CAME IN,

HER TITTIESDOWN TO HERE."

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ?!

THAT'S THE GOOD PART,THAT'S THE EVIL.

I WANT TO HEAR THAT !

GOOD STORIES AREALWAYS TOLD QUIETLY,

BUT BAD STORIES ARE ALWAYS TOLDWAY TOO DAMN LOUD.

YOU'LL BE ON THE BUS,

YOU'LL BE SITTING INTHE FRONT ROW OF THE BUS

AND THEN SOME JACKASS 20 ROWS BACK

TELLING THE WORST STORY EVER,

AND YOU CAN HEAREVERY WORD OF IT.

"OH, MY GOD, WE WEREWATCHING TV LAST NIGHT.

"IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE,ALL OF SUDDEN IT SHUT OFF.

"WE WERE LIKE, "WOW, THAT NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE."

THEN WE REALIZED THE CAT KNOCKEDTHE PLUG OUT OF THE OUTLET."

SHUT UP !

DON'T YOU WISH GOOD STORIESWERE TOLD LOUDLY ?

MAKE YOUR DAY SO MUCH DAMN MORE ENJOYABLE.

YOU'RE RIDING ON THE BUSGOING TO WORK

AND SOME GUY TELLS SOMECRAZY STORY 20 ROWS BACK.

YOU'RE HEARING IT,IT WOULD BE GREAT.

"DARRYL, HOW WASYOUR NIGHT ?"

"PRETTY CRAZY, MAN.

"I WAS RIDINGIN MY CAR,

"I LOOKED DOWNTO TURN THE STATION.

"I HIT SOME DUDEON A BIKE !

"YEAH, HE GOT UP,SO I JUST TOOK OFF, MAN.

"I THINK HE GOT MY PLATE.

"LOOK, DON'T TELL ANYBODYOR I'LL KILL YOU."