August 3, 2015 - Joe Biden's Rumored Presidential Run

  • 08/03/2015

The Boy Scouts of America lifts its ban on gay troop leaders, and Larry discusses the odds of a Joe Biden presidency with Deon Cole, Julie Klausner and Rory Albanese.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: OH, MAN.

WELCOME TO THE NIGHTLY SHOW.

SUCH A GOOD AUDIENCE.

I AM LARRY WILMORE, AND MAN, IAM SO EXCITED, YOU GUYS.

I AM SO EXCITED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKINGABOUT.

WE ARE A COUPLE OF DAYS AWAYFROM THE FIRST GOP DEBATE, WHICH

MEANS IT'S TIME TO CHECK IN ONWHAT'S HAPPENING WITH THE

UNBLACKENING.

>> OKAY.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE NEWESTCANDIDATE WHO IS TRYING TO

DE-NEGRO-FY THE WHITE HOUSE.

>> FORMER VIRGINIA GOVERNOR JIMGILMORE IS THE NEWEST CONTENDER

IN THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIALSWEEPSTAKES.

>> SWEEPSTAKES IS RIGHT.

JIM GILMORE HAS A BIGGER CHANCEOF WINNING THE HUNGER GAMES THAN

WINNING THE PRESIDENTIALELECTION.

RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Larry: NOW, IF YOU

WONDERING WHO JIM GILMORE IS,YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

>> I WOULD NOT WANT TO SUGARCOATIT.

WE ASKED PEOPLE FOR THEIRQUESTIONS TODAY.

AND A LOT OF THEM WERE, "WHY?"SOME OF THEM WERE, "WHO?"

>> Larry: BUT MOST OF THEMWERE, "WUUUUUUUUT?"

>> WUUUUUUUUT?

>> Larry: OKAY.

SO YOU WERE A GOVERNOR, BLAH,BLAH, BLAH, YOU THINK YOU ARE

THE ONE WHO CAN SAVE THECOUNTRY, WHATEVS, WHATEVS,

JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE IHAVEN'T HEARD FROM THOSE OTHER

16 CANDIDATES, ANYTHING.

>> I AM A UNITED STATES ARMYINTELLIGENCE VETERAN.

>> Larry: OH.

INTELLIGENCE VETERAN.

SO THE THING YOU HAVE TO OFFERTHAT'S DIFFERENT FROM THE REST

OF THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES ISINTELLIGENCE.

HMM.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: YOU ARE SEPARATING

YOURSELF FROM THE PACK.

WELL, THIS IS AWESOME, MAN,GILMORE IS THE FIRST

007 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ANDBY 007, I MEAN HE HAS ONLY

.007 PERCENTAGE IN THE POLL.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: OH, SPEAKING OF

ESPIONAGE, LOUISIANA GOVERNORAND TOP SECRET PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATE BOBBY JINDAL CONTINUEDHIS TIRELESS FIGHT

TO REMAIN UNKNOWN BY CAMPAIGNINGAT AN

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION IN NORTHAMERICA.

>> SERIOUSLY, HAS ANYBODY SEENBOBBY JINDAL SINCE HE ANNOUNCED?

SPECIAL AGENT GILMORE, ANYINTEL?

TURNING AWAY FROM THE WORLDOFINTELLIGENCE, DONALD TRUMP,

>> WHO CONTINUES TO REMAINSTEADY AT THE TOP OF THE POLLS.

ALL RIGHT.

SO WHAT'S THE LATEST CRAZY?

>> SADLY, BECAUSE PRESIDENTOBAMA HAS DONE SUCH A POOR JOB

AS PRESIDENT, YOU WON'T SEEANOTHER BLACK PRESIDENT FOR

GENERATIONS.

WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?

>> YEAH, WHAT DID YOU MEAN BYTHAT?

>> WELL, I THINK HE HAS BEEN AVERY POOR PRESIDENT.

I THINK HE HAS DONE A VERY POORJOB AS PRESIDENT.

>> Larry: UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

SO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IS EVERYBLACK PERSON GETS PENALIZED FOR

ONE BLACK PERSON'S ACTIONS? DOI REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN

PREJUDICE 101 TO YOU?

>> BY YOUR LOGIC I SHOULD STOPGOING TO THE DENTIST BECAUSE

THEY ALL KILL LIONS.

INSTEAD OF THE REAL REASON WHY ISTOPPED, WHICH IS BECAUSE THEY

ALL HAVE A CONSPIRACY TO INJECTBLACK PEOPLE WITH GOVERNMENT

KILLING JUICE.

#GKJ, LOOK IT UP.ALL RIGHT

>> FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENTLET'S ASSUME OBAMA HAS DONE A

POOR JOB. YOU ARE TELLING MEOBAMA'S POOR PRESIDENCY

DISQUALIFIES AN ENTIRE RACE BUTGEORGE W. BUSH'S POOR PRESIDENCY

DOESN'T EVEN DISQUALIFY HISIMMEDIATE FAMILY?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: OKAY.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, THE OTHER REALLY BIGCAMPAIGN NEWS CAME FROM A

MAUREEN DOWD PIECE IN"THE NEW YORK TIMES" THAT JOE

BIDEN IS CONSIDERING RUNNING FORTHE PRESIDENT.

WOW.

THAT IS HUGE. THIS COULD REALLYSHAKE UP THE WHOLE DEMOCRATIC

RACE.

HE COULD BE THE FIRST REALISTICCHALLENGE TO HILLARY'S SO-CALLED

CORONATION.

>> SO FOR MORE ON THIS WETHOUGHT WE WOULD CHECK IN WITH

SOMEONE FROM HILLARY'S CAMPAIGN.

PLEASE WELCOME CLINTON CAMPAIGNOFFICIAL CARLOS JORDANSON.

>> THANKS, LARRY. THANK YOU. IAM HAPPY TO REPORT ALL IS WELL

AT CLINTON CAMPAIGNHEADQUARTERS.

>> Larry: OKAY.

GREAT.

SO HILLARY IS NOT UPSET THAT JOEBIDEN MAY RUN?

>> NOT AT ALL.

>> NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

>> Larry: OH, WHAT WAS THAT?

>> HUH.

I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

>> WE AT CAMP HILLARY BELIEVETHE MORE CANDIDATES THE MERRIER.

>> JOE BIDEN CAN ROT IN HELL!

>> Larry: OH, MY GOD.

DID SOMEBODY JUST THROW A GLASS?

>> EVERYTHING IS BUSINESS ASUSUAL OVER HERE.

LOOK, HILLARY WELCOMES BIDEN ASA MENTAL SPARRING PARTNER, A

COMPETITOR IN THE MARKETPLACE OFIDEAS WILL ONLY MAKE HER

STRONGER.

>> IF HE RUNS, I WILL RIP OFFHIS HEAD AND USE HIS DEAD BODY

TO MAKE A NEW PANTSUIT.

>> Larry: OH, MY GOD, WAS THATA DEATH THREAT AND A PANTSUIT?

>> THE PANTSUIT IS KIND OF THEMETAPHOR HILLARY IS LOOKING FOR

NOW. IT'S LIKE AMERICA: IT'SSTYLISH, PRACTICAL AND YOU CAN

GET BUSINESS DONE IN IT.

>> SHE'S THROWING OUT ALOT OF METAPHORS AS WE GET

CLOSER TO THE ELECTION.

>> Larry: SO SHE IS NOTFEELING LIKE THIS COULD BE A

BETRAYAL OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

>> NOT IN THE LEAST. HILLARY'SDEALT WITH TOUGHER CHALLENGES

THAN THIS.

SHE WILL HANDLE THIS WITH GRACEAND EASE.

BESIDES, JOE AND HER ARE CLOSE.

HE JUST SENT HER A BEAUTIFULBOQUET OF FLOWERS.

>> AH!

>> THAT WOULD BE THEM.

>> HELP ME!

>> Larry: SORRY, I DON'T THINK ICAN. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

CARLOS JORDANSON, EVERYBODY.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Larry: WELCOME BACK.

MAN.

THERE IS GREAT NEWS COMING OUTOF THE BOY SCOUTS.

NOW YOU CAN COME OUT IN THE BOYSCOUTS.

>> THE BOY SCOUTS ARE OFFICIALLYENDING THEIR BAN ON OPENLY GAY

LEADERS.

>> Larry: YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

I MEAN, TIE AN ANGLER'S LOOP FOREQUALITY BECAUSE THE SCOUTS HAVE

FINALLY EARNED THEiR "LETTINGPEOPLE IN BASED ON ACTUAL MERIT"

BADGE.

>> THAT IS PRETTY GOOD.

AND THIS COMES TWO YEARS AFTERTHE GROUP LIFTED THE BAN ON GAY

SCOUTS. THIS IS GREAT.

SO THIS APPLIES TO ALL SCOUTUNITS, RIGHT?

>> THE ORGANIZATION SAYS CHURCHBASED UNITS WILL STILL BE

ALLOWED TO EXCLUDE GAY ADULTS.

>> Larry: HMM.

OKAY.

THAT'S A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING,BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM A

GROUP THAT CONSIDERS A TARP THEHEIGHT OF TECHNOLOGY? RIGHT?

AND THE BOY SCOUTS HAVE A LOT OFRELIGIOUS UNITS SO I GET IT I

MEAN IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF THROWUP IN OUR MOUTHS BUT, YOU KNOW,

WE ARE NOT GOING TO CHOKE ON IT.

OKAY.

ALL IS GOOD, TIME TO FIRE UP THELITERAL FIRE, RIGHT?

>> DESPITE THAT COMPROMISE THECHURCH OF LATTER DAY SAINTS SAYS

IT'S DEEPLY TROUBLED BY THE NEWPOLICY AND IS CONSIDERING

ACTUALLY SEPARATING FROM THESCOUTS.

>> JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAYSAINTS, MORMONS.

>> YOU'RE DEEPLY TROUBLED BYTHIS? I AM DEEPLY TROUBLED BY

THE FACT THAT YOU ONLY DECIDEDBLACK MEN COULD BE PRIESTS IN

1978. IT TOOK YOU THREE "SHAFT"MOVIES TO COME TO THAT?

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: I THINKTHE BOY SCOUTS ARE ON THE RIGHT

TRACK, AND IF AN 105-YEAR-OLDINSTITUTION DESIGNED TO TEACH

BOYS HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE 1700sCAN BRING ITS POLICIES INTO THE

21ST CENTURY, THAT'S A GOODMOVE.

OKAY.

HERE TO TALK MORE ABOUT THISISSUE IS BOY SCOUT EXPERT,

MATTEO LANE. MATTEO, THANKS FORBEING HERE.

>> SO WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING INTHE BOY SCOUTS IN THIS DAY AND

AGE?

>> OH, I AM NOT A BOY SCOUT.

>> Larry: OH.

I AM SORRY.

BECAUSE YOU ARE DRESSED LIKEONE.

>> OH, SURE.

BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I AM GOINGOUT TO A BUNCH OF GAY CLUBS

LATER AND THIS OUTFIT GETS ME ATON OF PEEN.

>> Larry: OKAY.

A TON OF PEEN.

>> PEEN. IT'S PRONOUNCED "PEEN."

>> Larry: OH, I AM SORRY.

PEEN.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, LARRY.

AND THERE IS NOTHING GAYER THANTHE BOY SCOUTS.

>> Larry: WHAT ARE YOU TALKINGABOUT? THE BOY SCOUTS ONLY JUST

STARTING ALLOWING GAY SCOUTLEADERS.

>> LARRY, THIS IS AN ORGANIZTIONTHAT HAS MEN GO OUT INTO THE

WOODS TO CAMP, SWIM AND COOKTOGETHER, ALL WHILE WEARING

NECKERCHIEFS UNIRONICALLY.

>> Larry: SURE.

>> IT'S LIKE A LADY GAGA VIDEO,ONLY GAYER.

>> Larry: WOW.

>> AND THIS IS NOT ABOUTALLOWING GAY SCOUT LEADERS.

THE BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICAORGANIZATION ITSELF NEEDS TO

COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

>> Larry: WAIT, HOLD ON, JUSTBECAUSE AN ORGANIZATION PROMOTES

THOSE ACTIVITIES WITH MEN, ITDOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN IT'S

GAY.

>> LARRY, WAKE UP AND SMELL THERICHLY BREWED COFFEE CAREFULLY

PREPARED BY AN OVERLY FUSSYSCOUT LEADER THAT'S WAY BETTER

THAN IT HAS ANY RIGHT TO BE.

IT SOUNDS LIKE SOME VERY GOODCOFFEE.

>> MARVELOUS. AND THERE ARE TONSOF SIGNS THAT SHOULD MAKE IT

SUPER OBVIOUS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HIGHESTLEVEL OF BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA

ADULT LEADERSHIP TRAINING BADGEIS CALLED?

>> Larry: NO. WHAT IS IT?

>> THE WOOD BADGE, LARRY.

>> Larry: REALLY? IS THATTRUE?

>> OH, YES.

AND IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW, WOOD ISA SYNONYM FOR BONER.

>> Larry: ACTUALLY, I DID KNOWTHAT. IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE YOU

ARE GENERALIZING THE THINGS THATGAY GUYS LIKE.

>> OH, I'M GENERALIZING.

>> Larry: YEAH.

>> KIND OF LIKE THE MORMONS DO.

>> Larry: OKAY.

FAIR ENOUGH.

I GET IT, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOYSCOUT OATH, WHICH CALLS ON ALL

SCOUTS TO, QUOTE, KEEP MYSELFPHYSICALLY STRONG, MENTALLY

AWAKE AND MORALLY STRAIGHT.

>> LARRY, THAT IS THE GAYESTPART OF THE SCOUTS.

>> Larry: HOW IS THATPOSSIBLE?

>> OH, STRAIGHT? IT IS THECLASSIC GAY MISDIRECT.

YOU KNOW, IT IS LIKE THE MORE APOLITICIAN GOES OFF AGAINST GAY

RIGHTS, THE MORE YOU KNOW HEGETS OFF TO LIAM HEMSWORTH.

HA, HA, HA.

OH, GOD!ZIIIIIIING!

>> Larry: THAT IS AN AMAZINGZING, BY THE WAY.

VERY GOOD.

>> ZING!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT ISN'T IT POSSIBLE THAT THEYJUST REALLY DON'T LIKE GAYS?

>> OH, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

I MEAN, I GUESS IT IS POSSIBLE,LARRY.

BUT WHEN YOU REALLY BREAK ITDOWN, NECKERCHIEFS DON'T LIE.

>> Larry: THAT IS A GOODPOINT.

MATTEO LANE, EVERYBODY.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

OKAY, WELCOME BACK, I AM HEREWITH MY PANEL.

COMEDIAN AND SHOW RUNNER HERE ATTHE NIGHTLY SHOW, RORY ALBANESE.

YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE UPCOMINGTV SHOW, "TRIBECA" AND THE MOVIE

"BARBER SHOP 3," MY"BLACKISH" BOY, DEON COLE.

AND HER NEW SHOW, "DIFFICULTPEOPLE," PREMIERES THIS

WEDNESDAY ON HULU, JULIEKLAUSNER.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.

THERE ARE ABOUT 43 REPUBLICANCANDIDATES RIGHT NOW, AND

THERE'S LIKE FIVE DEMOCRATICONES AND LIKE THREE ARE IN THE

WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

>> IT IS LIKE A REAL HOUSEWIVESREUNION BUT WITH MORE FAKE HAIR.

>> Larry: YES.

EXACTLY.

>> AND NOW BIDEN IS LIKE, WELLPEOPLE ARE SAYING HE MIGHT RUN.

>> IT SEEMS PRETTY PLAUSIBLE.

DO YOU THINK HE HAS A CHANCE?

>> TO WIN OR RUN?

>> WELL, I THINK HE HAS A CHANCETO RUN.

>> Larry: YOU DON'T THINK HE HASA CHANCE TO WIN?

>> I DON'T THINK HILLARY WILLLET ANYBODY ELSE WIN.

>> THAT'S NOT HOW DEMOCRACYWORKS, RORY.

>> I THINK WE'RE PAST DEMOCRACY.

SHE WILL BE THE NEXTPRESIDENT OR SHE WILL TAKE

AMERICA DOWN WITH HER.

THAT'S OUR ONLY CHOICE. WEHAVE ONE CHOICE.

SORRY. SHE WILL SINK THISBOAT.

>> WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST,MAN.

>> EXACTLY.

>> AND HILLARY GETS ON LIFEBOAT,OF COURSE.

>> Larry: WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> IT IS SO EASY.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW EASY IT ISTO BE PRESIDENT.

>> Larry: IT IS.

>> IT IS VERY EASY.

>> Larry: TO BE PRESIDENT OR TORUN FOR PRESIDENT?

>> TO RUN TO BE PRESIDENT.

>> YOU MEAN HE DECIDED -->> ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BE AN

AMERICAN.

IT IS HARD TO GET IN THEOLYMPICS.

>> Larry: THAT'S TRUE.

YES, YOU ARE RIGHT.

>> YOU HAVE TO HAVE ACCOMPLISHEDSOMETHING.

>> YOU HAVE TO ACCOMPLISHSOMETHING TO BE IN THE OLYMPICS.

>> I FEEL LIKE BIDEN HAS MORE OFA CHANCE THAN HE USED TO. IT IS

LIKE A UNCLE THAT WENT TO REHAB,AND YOU'RE LIKE, "CAN HE HAVE A

BEER?" LET'S TRY IT OUT. LET'SINVITE HIM TO THE PARTY.

>> JUST DON'T LEAVE HIM WITH THEKIDS ALONE.

>> BIDEN, IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKEHE GETS PENALIZED FOR ANY OF HIS

ECCENTRICITIES, LET'S SAY, BUTHILLARY HAS TO STAY IN THIS VERY

NARROW LANE, YOU KNOW,.

>> THAT'S BECAUSE HILLARY CAN'TWIN, HONESTLY, AND --

>> Larry: SHE CAN'T WIN OR "SHECAN'T WIN"?

>> THE SECOND ONE.

IF SHE WERE MORE FUN LOVING,THEN PEOPLE WOULD CRITICIZE HER

FOR BEING SERIOUS. BECAUSE SHEIS SERIOUS, SHE IS TRYING TO

GIVE THE IMPRESSION SHE WOULD BETHE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD,

PEOPLE WANT HER TO BE LIKE ZOOEYDESCHANEL AND BE PLAYING THE

UKULELE.>> Larry: LIKE "NEW GIRL" IS

PRESIDENT.>> BY THE WAY, IS ZOOEY

DESCHANEL 35? BECAUSE SHE WOULDBE FANTASTIC.

>> OH YEAH, CLEARLY SHE'S OURCANDIDATE.

>> I DO THINK IT'S ADOUBLE-STANDARD.

>> I DO THINK, BECAUSE SHE'S AWOMAN, SHE IS PUT MUCH MORE

IN A BOX, HOW SHE WALKS, WHATSHE WEARS, HOW SHE ACTS.

ABSOLUTELY, BUT THAT IS WHATIT IS WHEN YOU HAVE TO LIKE

BREAK THE GLASS CEILING, YOUHAVE TO BE THE FIRST PERSON TO

DEAL WITH BULL(BLEEP).

>> I JUST THINK SHE NEEDS TOLOOSEN UP A LITTLE BIT.

>> LIKE JOE BIDEN, HE IS SUPERLOOSE.

>> Larry: BIDEN IS A LITTLETOO LOOSE.

>> BUT I FEEL LIKE I CAN GO OUTWITH BIDEN AND GO PICK UP SOME

HOES. >> Larry: HOLD ON A SECOND.

SO THAT'S WHAT YOU FIND ANAPPEALING QUALITY IN A

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE?

>> THIS IS AMERICA.

>> I LOVE THAT IDEA.>> Larry: I WOULD LOVE IT IF HE

WAS AT A FORUM LIKE, "YEAH IWOULD LIKE TO ASK MR. BIDEN--"

>> I WILL SAY THAT IF SHE WANTEDTO TURN THE FUN KNOB UP A

NOTCH, LIKE MAYBE SEE IF YOU CANDO KARAOKE. DO A HEART SONG.

I'D LIKE WOULD LIKE TO HEAR HERDO A HEART SONG.

>> BUT THEN THEY'D BE LIKE,"WHY'D YOU PICK A HEART SONG?"

>> Larry: THERE IS ALWAYS GOINGTO BE A CRITICISM.

NOW, SO YOU HAVE BIDEN'S LET'SCALL IT GOOFINESS OR

WHATEVER AND THEN YOU HAVETRUMP'S GOOFINESS, WHICH IS

DIFFERENT.

>> I FEEL LIKE WE LAUGH AT BIDENLIKE, "OH HE DID THAT OR SAID

THAT," BUT TRUMP, IT IS LIKE"OH, HE SAID THAT?"

>> IT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEENONE BEER IN AND OFF HIS MEDS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> BUT I FEEL LIKE -- I THINK

THAT IS WHAT MAKES TRUMP SOAWESOME IS BECAUSE IN THE

BEGINNING I WAS LIKE, JUSTBECAUSE I WORK HERE, OH THIS

WILL BE EASY FOR WRITING JOKES,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M INHERENTLY LAZY.

>> COMEDY WRITERS LIKE IT.>> RIGHT. SAME WITH BIDEN.

HE'LL STEP IN A PUDDLE OFCEMENT OR A RAKE WILL HIT HIM

IN THE FACE. YOU KNOW, LIKEFUNNY STUFF.

>> I LIKE FOGHORN LEGHORN BUT IDON'T WANT TO VOTE FOR HIM.

>> Larry: FOGHORN LEGHORN.>> HE'S BE DOING THE "YES, I

SAID, YES, I WILL SUPPORT--"

>> "NOW, FOUR SCORE, I SAID,FOUR SCORE, I SAID.

>> YOU'RE MAKING ME RECONSIDER.>> PEOPLE THINK TRUMP IS

SPEAKING WITHOUT A FILTER.>> THE THING ABOUT THAT, WHAT IS

APPEALING FOR ME, I FEEL LIKETHE SYSTEM IS SO BROKEN IN

WASHINGTON THAT A GUY LIKE TRUMPMAY JUST DESTROY IT AND THAT

WOULD BE A GOOD THING, YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

>> THEN WE CAN REBOOT.

>> IT'S LIKE YOU WANT A NEWCELLPHONE SO YOU DROP IT IN

THE TOILET.

>> TRUMP'S LIKECONTROL-ALT-DELETE FOR DC.

>> AND DEON, WE TALKED ABOUTTHIS BEFORE THE SHOW, BUT

TO ME, HE REALLY ISKIND OF LIKE A HIP-HOP

CANDIDATE. I'LL TELL YOU WHY.HERE'S THE THING, HE SAYS

WHATEVER THE (BLEEP) HE'STHINKING, HE DOESN'T CARE. HE'S

GOT BEEFS WITH EVERYBODY.

HE'S GOT BLING, AND HE'S PROUDLYSHOWING IT.

>> HE'S GOT HOES.

>> HE'S GOT HOES.>> HE'S GOT THE VODKA.

>> Larry: DO YOU THINK THAT'SWHY SOME PEOPLE LIKE HIM?

'CAUSE HE DOESN'T GIVE A (SHIT).

>> HE IS NOT EVEN PREPARING FORTHIS DEBATE.

>> HE WAS IN ENGLAND AT A GOLFTOURNAMENT. HE'S LIKE, "DON'T

GIVE A (BLEEP)," RIGHT? I THINKTHERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THAT

THAT THE AVERAGE AMERICAN LIKESAND IT DRIVES ME (BLEEP)ING

CRAZY.>> THIS IS AMERICA!

>> I KNOW.

IT IS LIKE, THE BACHELORETTE ISOVER SO WE WANT MORE DUMB, DUMB

DUDES ON TV.

>> IT IS NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSEIS MORE SMART, IT'S JUST TRUMP

REPRESENTS A LOT MORE, BECAUSEPOLITICIANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE

REPRESENTATIVES OF THE PEOPLE,AND WHAT IS MORE REPRESENTATIVE

OF US THAN NOT JUST GIVING A(BLEEP)?

>> IT IS MORE THAN THAT -->> I AM NOT GOING TO PREPARE.

>> HE'S A RAVING LUNATIC.>> IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

ONE YOU WANNA DO DRUGS WITH ANDTHE OTHER YOU DO DRUGS TO

TOLERATE.>> Larry: THERE YOU GO.

I LOVE THAT PEOPLE LIKE CHRISCHRISTIE OR THE SO-CALLED TRUTH

TELLERS, YOU KNOW, WHO ARE LIKE,"I'M TELLING IT LIKE IT IS"--

TRUMP MAKES THEM COMPLETELYIRRELEVANT BECAUSE HE EXPOSES

THAT KIND OF CAREFUL POLITICALSPEAK WHERE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE

RAILING AGAINST THE SYSTEM.

BUT WITH TRUMP'S ATTITUDE, HEACTUALLY IS USING THAT LANGUAGE.

>> TRUMP JUST TAKES DUMPS WITHTHE DOOR OPEN.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? THAT'S WHAT MEN DO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> YEAH.

>> Larry: OKAY.

THE IF YOU ARE A PRESIDENTIALCANDIDATE HOW DO YOU EVEN

PREPARE FOR THIS DEBATE? HOWWOULD YOU PREPARE? WHAT WOULD

YOU DO? YOU ARE GOING AGAINSTTRUMP.

>> IF I AM GOING AGAINST TRUMP,I WOULD STAND AT A PODIUM WITH

SEVEN JEWISH COMEDIANS BEHINDME, AND WE WOULD SLING OUT JUST

JOKES: JOKE, JOKE, JOKE, JOKE.>> I AM AVAILABLE.

>> WHY DO THEY GOT TO BE JEWISH?

>> IF I WERE PREPARING FOR ADEBATE WITH TRUMP, I WOULD,

INSTEAD OF AVOIDING EYE CONTACT WITH THE

GUY ON THE SUBWAY WHO CALLS ME

RED DEVIL JEWISH BITCH, I WOULDBE LIKE, YOU'RE WRONG.

I'D BE LIKE, "NOT THE CASE, ANDHERE'S WHY."

IN OTHER WORDS, I WOULD ENGAGEWITH A LUNATIC.

>> Larry: THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

>> I THINK THAT IN A DEBATE ITIS GOING TO COME DOWN TO HIM

SAYING CRAZY (BLEEP) AND IWOULD JUST CHALLENGE HIM ON

BASIC HUMAN KNOWLEDGE LIKE, WHENIS THE LAST TIME TRUMP LIKE

BOUGHT A GALLON OF MILK ORANYTHING A HUMAN DOES?

>> Larry: THAT'S HOW YOU WOULDPREPARE?

>> ABSOLUTELY, BECAUSE HE'SJUST GONNA DO THIS. YOU'D BE

LIKE, "WELL WOULD YOU HANDLETHIS?" AND HE'D BE LIKE,

"I HIRE THE BEST PEOPLE."

LIKE HE'S NEVER GOING TOYIELD TO YOU, SO YOU JUST HAVE

TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "I HAVE AQUESTION FOR MR. TRUMP. HOW

MUCH DO SHOES COST?" YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN? AND THEN HE'D BE

LIKE, "UHHH."

>> SHOES COST $5,000, EVERYBODYKNOWS THAT.

>> Larry: WE WILL BE RIGHTBACK RIGHT AFTER THIS.

>> GRAB SOME FREE TICKETS TOATTEND AN UPCOMING TAPING OF

"THE NIGHTLY SHOW." THE SHOW TAPES

MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY. GOTO THE NIGHTLYSHOW.COM/TICKETS.