CC Presents: Reno Collier

  • Season 9, Ep 6
  • 03/03/2005

Reno Collier talks about his Scottish heritage, his love of Mexican women and using feminism to appease his wife.

Reno Collier: ALL RIGHT.

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME, MAN.

THANK YOU, HOLY CRAP.

YOU GUYS ARE CHEERING LIKE

I'M FAMOUS OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S AWESOME, MAN.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I AM

FAMOUS.

THEY COME UP TO ME IN

RESTAURANTS, THEY'RE ALWAYS

BUGGING ME, YOU KNOW LIKE,

"EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU NATALIE FROM

THE FACTS OF LIFE?"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "NO.

I'M TOOTIE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE FAMOUS.

I DID THIS SHOW LIKE THIS

AND THESE PRODUCERS CAME TO

WATCH MY SHOW.

I GOT DONE, THEY'RE LIKE,

"C'MERE FOR A MINUTE."

I WAS LIKE, "OH MAN, THIS IS MY

BIG BREAK."

THE GUY GOES, "ARE YOU DRUNK?"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "DUH, IT'S DARK OUT,

DUMB ASS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YA KNOW."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE GOES, "YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA

BE FAMOUS BEING DRUNK ALL THE

TIME."

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN...

'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA QUIT

DRINKIN'."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I STARTED THINKING INSTEAD OF

WORKING ON JUST BEING FAMOUS

I WAS GONNA DEVELOP ALL THE

OTHER CHARACTERISTICS THAT

FAMOUS PEOPLE HAVE SO I'D BE

READY RIGHT?

LIKE I'VE STARTED WORKING ON THE

ALCOHOL THING.

I'M GONNA CRASH MY CAR A COUPLE

TIMES AND...

[LAUGHTER]

I'M WORKING ON AN EATING

DISORDER I'M TRYING TO GET

GOING.

MY DAD WAS AT MY HOUSE ASLEEP

ON THE COUCH, I GRABBED HIS HAND

AND RUBBED IT ON MY WEENIE,

YA KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH!

'CAUSE EVENTUALLY I'M GONNA

HAVE TO WRITE A BOOK, YA KNOW.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I LIKE SEEING FAMOUS PEOPLE

'CAUSE I'M FROM WEST VIRGINIA

ORIGINALLY.

>> SORRY.

Reno Collier: THANKS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT DON'T MATTER, YELL OUT

WHAT YOU WANT.

LAST TIME I WAS HERE, I WAS

ON STAGE I WAS LIKE "I'M FROM

WEST VIRGINIA."

THIS GUY IN THE CROWD GOES,

"YOU GUYS SCREW YOUR COUSINS!"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE "I DON'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT GOOD LOOKING COUSINS,

YOU CAN KISS MY ASS."

NO DON'T DO THAT THOUGH,

FOR REAL.

YOU GET CROSS-EYED BABIES

AND THAT AIN'T FUNNY, MAN.

SERIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I TRIED, I TRIED TO TAKE UP

FOR MY HOME STATE BUT IT,

MY MOM'S ALWAYS LIKE, "DON'T BE

MAKING FUN OF WEST VIRGINIA.

EVERYBODY MAKES FUN OF US,

YOU TAKE UP FOR US."

I WAS LIKE, "I WOULD, LOOK AT

OUR OWN DAMN FAMILY, YA KNOW."

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT ONE COUSIN HE'S BLIND

IN ONE EYE 'CAUSE HE TRIED TO

KILL HIMSELF WITH A SLINGSHOT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU

GO ABOUT THAT, YA KNOW?

"YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE LISTENED

TO ME.

I'M IN A LOT OF PAIN.

YA KNOW WHAT, I'LL DO IT,

I DON'T EVEN CARE..."

[LAUGHTER]

HE SHOT THE THING OFF

IT COMPLETELY MISSED HIS HEAD.

HIS DAD CAME IN, SAW WHAT HE WAS

DOING THOUGHT HE WAS SO STUPID,

POKED HIS EYE OUT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

STUPID ASS.

NOW HE HAS A BIG EYE PATCH

ON HIS FACE AND HE WANTED TO GO

FULL PIRATE RIGHT, SO HE GOT

HIS TONGUE PIERCED.

BUT THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE,

HE'S LIKE 39 YEARS OLD, YA KNOW.

HE'S GOT CAVITIES IN HIS MOUTH.

HE CAN'T EVEN TALK EVERY TIME

THE ALUMINUM STUD TAPS A FILLING

HIS WHOLE HEAD GOES "AHHH GOD!"

THEN HIS HEAD SWELLED UP

REAL BIG, RIGHT, NOT LIKE HE WAS

COCKY BUT IT WAS ALL LUMPY.

NOBODY KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG

WITH HIM.

TURNS OUT HE'S ALLERGIC

TO COWS MILK.

NOW ALL HE'S ALLOWED TO DRINK

IS GOAT'S MILK.

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, THAT'S

DISGUSTING!"

YA KNOW WHAT HE SAID?

"DRINKING IT AIN'T HALF AS BAD

AS GETTING THE GRASS STAINS OUT

OF THE BACK OF HIS SHIRT

WHEN HE'S DONE."

[AUDIENCE MOANS]

I'D HATE TO THINK THAT'S WHY

HE PIERCED HIS TONGUE!

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A HAPPY DAMN GOAT.

[GOAT NOISES]

SUCK IT.

SUCK IT!"

YOU DON'T KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

I GOT A HANGOVER.

I'M STUPID.

I WENT OUT LAST NIGHT

STARTED OUT THE NIGHT

SHOOTING TEQUILA THEN FOR SOME

DUMB REASON I SWITCHED OVER TO

GOLDSCHLAGGER.

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND

POOPED A MEXICAN COIN.

[LAUGHTER]

"RAHHH, IT SCARED THE HELL

OUT OF ME."

I WAS LIKE, [MAKES PELLET

NOISES] I THOUGHT I WON

SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]

MY PARENTS, THEY DON'T NEVER

COME SEE MY SHOWS.

MY FAMILY'S VERY RELIGIOUS

YA KNOW AND I BELIEVE IN GOD

BUT THEY MADE ME DO EVERYTHING

AT CHURCH GROWING UP, YA KNOW.

LIKE THAT'S HOW THEY FOUND OUT

I WAS DYSLEXIC.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

UNTIL I WAS 12 YEARS OLD

THEY MADE ME SING IN THE CHURCH

CHOIR.

WE HAD THIS HUGE CHRISTMAS GALA,

THE WHOLE CONGREGATION'S THERE.

ALL THE OTHER KIDS ARE

SINGING FINE, THEY'RE LIKE,

♪ NOEL, NO... ♪

I'M IN THE BACK GOING,

♪ LEON, LEON ♪

♪ LEON ♪

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY MADE ME PLAY ON OUR

CHURCH SOFTBALL TEAM.

OUR CHURCH HAD THEIR OWN

SOFTBALL TEAM, BUT APPARENTLY

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GET DRUNK

BEFORE THE GAMES.

[LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT SOFTBALL

WAS.

THAT'S WHY THEY MADE THAT

BIG DAMN MONKEY BALL SO YOU CAN

HIT IT WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.

IT'S NOT BASEBALL.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE

STUPID THING, YA KNOW.

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

WE SHOWED UP TO THE FIRST GAME,

I'M SMASHED.

I'M HANGING OUT OF THE DUGOUT,

THE OTHER TEAM HAS SOME GUY ON

FIRST BASE, I'M YELLIN' AT HIM,

"HEY...

[LAUGHTER]

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOD DIDN'T THINK IT WAS FUNNY,

WE LOST EVERY DAMN GAME,

YA KNOW.

AND SO FINALLY I GOT SICK OF US

LOSING ALL THE TIME, SO I NAMED

OUR TEAM, I CHANGED THE NAME OF

OUR TEAM TO "OFF CONSTANTLY."

THAT WAY AT LEAST EVERY TIME

WE LOST AT THE END OF THE GAME,

THE OTHER TEAM HAD TO RUN AROUND

THE FIELD TO CELEBRATE AND LIKE,

"WE WON!

WE BEAT OFF CONSTANTLY!

WE BEAT OFF CONSTANTLY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DIDN'T ALWAYS DO THIS FOR

A LIVING.

I AH, I USED TO BE A

SCHOOLTEACHER AND UH,

I TAUGHT PE.

WHEW, IT WAS HOT OUTSIDE, MAN.

I GOT SICK OF TEACHING THOUGH.

I JUST ENDED UP QUITTIN',

'CAUSE I COULDN'T LIE ANYMORE.

IF YOU TEACH SCHOOL, YOU BETTER

BE A GOOD LIAR, MAN.

THOSE PARENTS COME IN THERE FOR

PARENT/TEACHER CONFERENCE CRAP.

ASK STUPID QUESTIONS ALL THE

TIME.

THIS LADY COMES IN SHE'S LIKE,

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHY JIMMY

DOESN'T DO BETTER IN TRACK!"

YOU GOTTA BE LIKE, "CAUSE HE

DOESN'T APPLY HIMSELF."

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU'RE THINKING, "'CAUSE

HE'S A FRUITY LITTLE BASTARD

AND HE SKIPS, THAT'S WHY!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU DON'T

RUN TRACK LIKE THIS.

"LOOK AT HIS DAD.

IT AIN'T MY FAULT.

YOU WANTED AN ATHLETE LADY,

YOU SHOULDN'T A MARRIED A GUY

WHO STANDS LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T FIX THIS.

THAT LITTLE KID'S GONNA DECORATE

ANY WAY YOU CUT IT."

I JUST TELL HIM I BE LIKE,

"YOU PAY ATTENTION IN ART CLASS,

'CAUSE THIS AIN'T WORKING OUT

FOR YOU, YA KNOW."

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS HARD, MAN.

I HAD TO SUBSTITUTE TEACH BEFORE

I GOT MY FULL TIME TEACHING JOB.

AND UH, IT WAS WEIRD, LIKE MY

FIRST DAY I'M SUBSTITUTING

HIGH SCHOOL, I'M WALKING DOWN

THE HALL, THE PRINCIPAL

DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE SCHOOL,

I'M WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY

WITH THE PRINCIPAL, I'M ABOUT

TO WALK IN MY FIRST CLASS.

THE PRINCIPAL GOES, "I JUST

WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT SOME

OF THE STUDENTS IN THIS CLASS

ARE ON DRUGS BUT WE DON'T KNOW

WHICH ONES THEY ARE."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

HE'S LIKE, "HOW WOULD WE KNOW?"

I WAS LIKE, "C'MERE, DUDE."

I OPEN UP THE DOOR TO THE CLASS,

I JUMP OUT IN FRONT OF ALL

THE STUDENTS, I'M LIKE,

"BLAAAA HA HA!"

LIKE THREE KIDS ARE LIKE,

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."

"BAM, BAM BAM, GET OUT!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN.

HE DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE ON

DRUGS.

GO IN THE CAFETERIA.

WATCH THEM ON TACO DAY.

IF THEY TAKE THEIR TORTILLA

AND THEY PULL...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT KID'S HIGH, MAN.

AND HIGH SCHOOL KIDS ARE LIKE

FREAKING OUT NOW, MAN.

LIKE IT BECAME A TREND AT THIS

HIGH SCHOOL FOR THESE GIRLS

TO GET THEIR NAMES TATTOOED

RIGHT ACROSS THE TOP OF THEIR

REAR END.

I GUESS SO LIKE THE GUY

WOULD KNOW WHAT HER NAME WAS

WHEN THEY'RE...DOING IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I START THINKING THOUGH AS A

TEACHER, WE OUGHT TO GET

CREATIVE AND MAKE IT A TREND

FOR THE GIRLS TO GET THE

TIMES TABLES TATTOOED ON THEIR

BACK, YA KNOW.

THAT KID MIGHT GET VD BUT HE'LL

LEARN HIS SEVENS, THEY'RE RIGHT

IN FRONT OF HIM.

SEVEN TIMES SEVEN, FORTY-NINE,

SEVEN TIMES SEVEN, FORTY-NINE!

YOU GOTTA GO TO WHERE THEY ARE!

YA KNOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA TELL YOU GUYS

THIS STORY.

I NORMALLY DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT

THIS BUT I THINK IT'S FUNNY.

I WENT TO ONE OF THESE

LIBERAL ARTS, TOUCHY FEELY,

HUGGY SCHOOLS YA KNOW WHERE LIKE

UH, I HAD THIS ONE CLASS THAT

IF I FAILED IT, I WAS GONNA

FAIL OUT FOR SCHOOL FOR GOOD.

AND MY TEACHER, SHE WAS

AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST.

SHE RAN A DOG SHELTER.

LIKE IF YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR

HOMEWORK, YOU BROUGHT IN

DOG FOOD, SHE GAVE YOU

EXTRA CREDIT, RIGHT.

SHE LOVED DOGS MORE THAN PEOPLE.

SO I WENT OUT AND I GOT DRUNK

AND I OVER SLEPT AND MISSED

MY FINAL EXAM.

AND I'M LIKE, I'M DONE FOR GOOD

YA KNOW AND I WAS LIKE,

WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S GOT TO BE

SOMETHING I CAN DO RIGHT?

SO I GO RUNNING UP TO HER

OFFICE, I'M LIKE, "DR. SULLIVAN,

LISTEN..."

SHE GOES, "RENO, I DON'T WANT

TO HEAR IT.

I'M SICK OF YOUR EXCUSES.

YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL THIS EXAM,

YOU SKIPPED IT, YOU'RE FAILING

THE CLASS AND I'M DONE WITH

YOU!"

AND I WAS LIKE "YOU WAIT

A MINUTE AND YOU LISTEN TO ME!

I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT LONG

STUDYING FOR YOUR STUPID EXAM.

I GOT FIFTEEN MINUTES OF SLEEP.

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING,

I GRABBED MY PENCILS, I GRABBED

MY NOTES, I GOT IN MY CAR,

I BACKED UP AND I RAN OVER

MY NEIGHBOR'S DOG."

[LAUGHTER]

"TIMOTHY'S SEVEN YEARS OLD,

HE SAW ME RUN OVER HIS ANIMAL,

I COULDN'T JUST LEAVE I THERE.

WE TOOK IT BEHIND THE APARTMENT

COMPLEX, GAVE IT A PROPER

BURIAL.

I EXPLAINED TO HIM THAT ALL DOGS

GO TO HEAVEN.

WE CAME BACK TO MY APARTMENT,

HAD A POPSICLE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU THINK YOUR CLASS IS MORE

IMPORTANT THAN THE FEELINGS OF

THAT BOY AND THE LIFE OF THAT

ANIMAL, I SHOULD HAVE NEVER

TAKEN YOUR CLASS!"

B!

YA KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COLLEGE WAS A BLAST UH,

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

UM...

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED

TO ME.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M CRAZY

AND I'M MAKING IT UP OR WHATEVER

BUT LIKE SIX MONTHS AGO I WAS

ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

THEY BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ME

AND I COULDN'T GET AWAY, I DON'T

SPEAK SPANISH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT TAKES SOME BALLS TO SAY

THAT IN NEW YORK CITY, MAN,

I'M PROUD OF MYSELF.

I'M JUST KIDDING BY THE WAY,

TOO.

I LOVE HISPANIC PEOPLE.

I'M JUST PLAYING.

I LOVE MEXICAN WOMEN A LOT.

[LAUGHTER]

OH WHEEEEW.

I DON'T KNOW ANY, BUT I HAVE

THE MEXICAN CHANNEL.

OHHHHH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING

THEY'RE SAYING.

I WATCH THE SOAP OPERAS

ALL AFTERNOON, EVERY DAY.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS

HAVE EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE

BUT THESE WOMEN COME ON THERE

AND THEY'RE JUST...

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "I HEARD CHUNKY,

TALK TO ME, I LOVE YOU!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DO THAT EVERY DAY.

THAT IS MUST SEE TV RIGHT THERE.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

HA-HA!

I LOVE MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S FUN, YA KNOW.

BUT I LIKE MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE

BECAUSE I THINK WE'RE ALL

STUPID, YA KNOW.

THE THING IS, MY GRANDPA,

HE HATES EVERYBODY.

AND WE'RE SCOTTISH THAT'S WHY

I HAVE A BIG ASS HEAD,

LITTLE WEENIE, BIG HEAD.

IT'S A CURSE, I'M HUNG LIKE A

FIELD MOUSE IN A SNOW BLIZZARD,

IT AIN'T PRETTY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SHOULDN'T TELL PEOPLE THAT.

BUT IT'S A CURSE THAT'S WHAT

THEY SAY, BIG ASS HEAD.

BUT MY GRAND DADDY HE'S 98 YEARS

OLD.

HE LIKES TO DRINK AND HE GETS

PISSED OFF AND WE'RE SCOTTISH

AND HE'S VERY PROUD OF OUR

SCOTTISH HERITAGE, YA KNOW.

AND I'M ALWAYS LIKE, YA KNOW

I LIKE TO SET HIM OFF, I'M LIKE,

"GRAND DAD, HOW DO YOU HATE

EVERYBODY?

WE'RE SCOTTISH.

SCOTTISH HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING

FOR THIS COUNTRY TO MAKE YOU

SO COCKY."

HE'S LIKE, [OLD MAN'S VOICE]

"SHUT UP, BOY.

SCOTTISH PEOPLE BUILT THIS

DAMN COUNTRY.

WE BROUGHT LIQUOR OVER HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT ROWDY RODDY PIPER FELLA...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WE INVENTED CLEAR TAPE!"

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT,

YA KNOW.

I WISH WE'D ALL BE NICE

TO EACH OTHER, YA KNOW, I DO

AND ESPECIALLY IN THIS COUNTRY.

I WISH WE'D GET ALL THE

WHITE PEOPLE AND BLACK PEOPLE

AND HISPANIC PEOPLE AND ORIENTAL

PEOPLE AND INDIAN PEOPLE

COME TOGETHER AS ONE.

IF YOU HAVE HATRED INSIDE YOU,

BEAT THE HELL OUT OF

FRENCH PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH YOU GOT YOUR OWN WAR, MERCI.

I'M TRYING TO BE TOUGH AND STUFF

AND I WAS READING THE OTHER DAY

AND I SAW WHERE THEY'RE HAVING

TROUBLE NOW WHERE WOMEN ARE

BEATING UP THEIR HUSBANDS.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT?

[APPLAUSE]

YOU GUYS LOVE THAT.

IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD NOW THEY EVEN

HAVE A SHELTER FOR THE MEN THAT

GET BEAT UP.

IT'S CALLED BED BATH AND BEYOND.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YA KNOW.

'CAUSE IF YOUR WIFE CAN

KICK YOUR ASS, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE

THAT STORE, YOU PANSY.

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF

FOR GOD'S SAKE.

GOOD GOD, MY WIFE BEATS MY ASS

BUT I PAY HER.

I LIKE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE DOESN'T LET ME DO WHATEVER

I WANT THOUGH, YA KNOW.

LIKE I USED TO THINK I'D BE ABLE

TO DO WHAT I WANTED AND STUFF,

YA KNOW.

LIKE I LIKE TO GO TO HOOTERS.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE DON'T LET ME SO I GOTTA ACT

LIKE I'M GOING TO HOME DEPOT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MAKE UP LIES AND STUFF, YA KNOW.

I LOOK AT MY BROTHER-IN-LAW

LIKE, "HEY MAN, YOU WANT TO GO

TO HOME DEPOT AND GET SOME

WOOD?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE COME BACK THREE HOURS LATER,

I'M DRUNK, I GOT WING SAUCE

ON MY FACE, MY WIFE'S LIKE,

"WHERE'S THE WOOD?"

I'M LIKE, "C'MON BACK HERE,

I'LL SHOW YA!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S FUN, MAN.

I GOT A COOL WIFE.

WE HAVE A LITTLE SON AT HOME

AND I WAS SO DAMN GLAD THAT

THE BABY FINALLY CAME OUT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVER LIVED

WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN BEFORE BUT

THE WHOLE TIME SHE'S PREGNANT

SHE'S WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE,

YA KNOW, SHE'S, "OH MY GOD,

I GAINED 45 EXTRA POUNDS,

I SWEAT WHEN I EAT AND I VOMIT

EVERY MORNING."

I'M LIKE, "NO KIDDING,

IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY FELT

LIKE ME IN THIS HOUSE, IT AIN'T

EASY IS IT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"GOT SWOLLEN ANKLES."

"ME, TOO."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NO ONE CARES ABOUT DAD, YA KNOW.

AND WE HAD OUR BABY WE WERE

LIVING IN CALIFORNIA WHEN WE HAD

HIM, YA KNOW.

WE DIDN'T TAKE ANY CLASSES.

WE JUST WATCHED A VIDEO TAPE

WITH A COUPLE OF HIPPIES.

MY WIFE'S LIKE JUST YELL OUT

EPIDURAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE ALL RIGHT.

SHE COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM

SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW IF I

PEED OR I'M HOLDING SOMETHING?"

I WAS LIKE, "OH, I SAW THIS

ON A MOVIE, WE GOTTA GO YA KNOW!

WE LOOK LIKE A COUPLE OF

HILLBILLIES.

WE'RE RUNNING THROUGH

THE PARKING LOT OF THIS L.A.

HOSPITAL, NEITHER ONE OF US

HAVE SHOES ON, I'M IN MY BOXERS,

SHE'S GOING, "THE BABY'S COMING

OUT!

THE BABY'S COMING OUT!"

AND I'M GOING, "EPIDURAL,

EPIDURAL!"

[LAUGHTER]

WE GET INSIDE THERE, THEY PUT

HER UP ON THE THING, THEY'RE

LOOKIN' THEY'RE LIKE, "SHHH."

I'M LIKE, "EPIDURAL."

THE LADY GOES, "SHE'S AT

EIGHT CENTIMETERS."

I WAS LIKE, "EPIDURAL!"

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, THE BABY'S

COMING NOW!"

I WAS LIKE, "EPIDURAL!"

THEY'RE LIKE "SHE CAN'T HAVE

I'M LIKE, "THEN GIVE IT TO ME

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T TAKE A CLASS

AND..."

IT WAS AMAZING.

AND IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS,

I FELT SO BLESSED WE COULD HAVE

'EM.

OUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR

IN CALIFORNIA, HE'S A GREAT GUY,

HE'S ADOPTED.

HE'S A WHITE GUY BUT THEY

ADOPTED A LITTLE CHINESE BABY

YA KNOW AND THAT'S BEAUTIFUL

BUT HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

CHINESE CULTURE, YA KNOW.

I GET HE'S AN OAKLAND RAIDERS

FAN AND HE WANTS HIS SON TO WEAR

THE JERSEY, BUT THERE'S

SOMETHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE

CHINESE BABY WITH THE WORD

"RICE" WRITTEN ON HIS BACK,

YA KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE, SHE GETS SO MAD,

SHE GETS ALL MAD AT ME,

SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "YA KNOW,

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GO UP THERE

IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AND MAKE FUN

OF PEOPLE HAVING BABIES

AND WOMEN'S ISSUES, YOU DON'T

KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WOMEN'S

ISSUES.

YOU SIT ON YOUR FAT ASS

AND WATCH TV ALL THE TIME."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, IF YOU

KNOW THAT, WHY DON'T YOU PUT

WOMEN ON TV TO TEACH US ABOUT

YOUR ISSUES?"

SHE GOES, "WE DO AND IT'S CALLED

'THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF

WOMEN'!"

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, BUT THOSE

CHICKS LOOK LIKE ME, I AIN'T

WATCHING THAT YA KNOW."

THEY'RE ALL MAD AND STUFF.

THEY'RE ALL HAIRY AND SCARY

AND IT AIN'T FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY UNTIL

MY WIFE WAS AT ONE OF MY SHOWS,

THE SHOW ENDED.

I STARTED TALKING ABOUT

THAT STUFF, SHE FREAKED OUT

AND CHARGED THE DAMN STAGE.

SHE'S SCREAMING AT ME,

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE UP THERE

IN FRONT OF PEOPLE MAKING FUN OF

WOMEN'S ISSUES AFTER OUR TALK!

I TAKE CARE OF OUR HOUSE.

I TAKE CARE OF OUR BABY.

I TAKE CARE OF OUR BILLS.

YOU WOULDN'T BE JACK SQUAT

WITHOUT ME!"

AND SHE'S KIND OF RIGHT,

YA KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT

I THINK THAT IT SUCKS THAT WOMEN

GET RIPPED OFF IN THE JOB PLACE.

IF A WOMAN DOES THE SAME JOB

AS A MAN YOU SHOULD GET THE SAME

AMOUNT OF MONEY AS A MAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DAMN RIGHT.

AND THE REASON YOU DON'T IS

'CAUSE DEEP DOWN INSIDE GUYS

ARE JEALOUS OF YOU 'CAUSE

WE KNOW YOU'RE THE ONLY

CREATURES GOD CREATED TO BE

LOVING AND CARING AND

STRONG ENOUGH TO GIVE US

THE GREATEST GIFT IN THE WORLD

AND THAT'S THE HUMAN LIFE.

AND I DON'T GET LAID AT HOME

UNLESS I SAY THAT CRAP

EVERY NIGHT.

YOU GUY'S THANKS A LOT

FOR COMING TO MY SPECIAL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT A LOT.

THANK YOU.

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