Lynch, Henson, Taylor

  • Season 2, Ep 0213
  • 05/20/1993

Every day they pickedme up and bring

me down here for the shows.

And it's nice to get picked up.

Mostly I fly places,and there's always

supposed to be somebodypick me up to the airport.

And half the time,they're not there.

I end up standing aroundlike, you know when kids go

somewhere, like to visittheir grandparents,

they have that big tag on.

So I'm at the airport all--

And the thing is, theyknow what I look like.

But I've no ideawhat they look like.

So I end up making eye contactwith everybody in the airport.

And not, it's not justlike Hi, how are ya?

It's that scared,you know, please,

can you take me with you?

I'm like a puppy waiting atthe animal shelter, you know?

And not only does thismake me seem like a maniac,

but I meet a lot ofmaniacs that way, you know.

We know how those guys are.

Where you make eyecontact with them and then

they lock on and comeright over to you.

I know you know about them.

They're after me.

You think I'mdirty, but I'm not.

I'm clean as yourbaby brother's bottom

after mommy makes wipey wipey.

You know, I'm like,I guessing you

don't work for the Funny Bone.

I'll show you my funny bone.

Hey, that's not your funny bone.

And it just makes me acandidate for abduction.

You know, because ifanybody looks slightly sane

and seems to know who I am, I'llget right in the car with them.

The next thing you know, itrubs the lotion on its body!

Hey, what time doesthe second show start?

Rub the lotion onyour damn body!

But uh, you know, our ourfirst act rubs the lotion

How many, uh-- How many?

One, two, that's it?

Three, four, five, six.

Alright.

That's weird, isn't it?

So anyway, I, uh,coming over here,

wrong suit to wearon the street.

Kids running after me, Barnie!

Barnie!

I hate you, youhate me, get away.

Hit the bricks, kid.

Man.

-One thing I love about NewYork is no wax museums here.

Or at least I don't think so.

But you never see anybody comingout of a wax museum like this.

No.

Usually it's a littlemore like-- And they have,

Believe It or Not museums.You seen these things?

There's a sign at the endthat says, believe it or not,

you just spent $7 on this.

But it's a good michere, a sound system.

Sometimes I'm workingin a bar, a loose wire

is cutting out every other word.

I'm trying to tell a joke.

For example, well, like flying.

Flying is kind of weird.

You know, get on the plate and--

[broken speech]

--flotation device.

You know, I get thepilot gets on the horn.

[broken speech]

---at 3,000-- -rightside-- canyon.

But you know, eh, eh,eh.

I mean where the fuck is she?

--at the stewardess-- --putthis in the upright position.

But, uh, hopefullythat won't happen here.

I uh, flying is really weird.

I've flown around the planet,which is strange because you

can actually get therethe day before you left.

And you get back and youpay your bills again.

Uh, all right, let'ssee this will be me.

Empty bottle?

Empty bottle?

All right, thanks.

Empty bottle willbe the stewardess.

And this will be the airplane.

Hey, you want a peanut?

Hey!

Hey, you want some peanuts?

Hey, peanuts!

Peanuts!

uh, no thank you.

I'm sleeping.

Hey, hey, you want a drink?

You want a drink?

Uh, no.

No thank you.

I am a drink.

OK, I think that explains that.

Alrighty, I uh-- ohthanks, thanks a lot.

Like ventriloquism?

Do you know whatventriloquism is?

How many?

I'd like to do a littleventriloquism for you.

So so how you doing?

How's it going?

RON LYNCH (ON VOICERECORDER): Oh, pretty good.

How about you?

-I'm doing all right.

So things are goingreally well for you?

Things are going good?

RON LYNCH (ON VOICE RECORDER):Well, to tell you the truth,

you know, um, I'm a little low.

-Oh, really?

What's the matter?

Dating trouble oryour car or something?

RON LYNCH (ON VOICERECORDER): No,

my, my batteriesare wearing out.

[laughing]

-That's the worstjoke I ever heard.

That's a terrible joke.

I'm going to putyou in my pocket.

I'm going to putyou in the pocket.

RON LYNCH (ON VOICERECORDER): No.

-Yes, I'm puttingyou in the pocket.

RON LYNCH (ON VOICERECORDER): No, not the pocket.

No not, not the pocket.

-Alrighty, well I movedto San Fransisco right

before the big earthquake.

Very strange.

Pretty much got everythingunpacked, up on the shelves,

two minutes later,back on the floor.

Thank you very much,I appreciate that.

Very strange.

I uh, the strangething about it is, uh--

RON LYNCH (ON VOICERECORDER): Hey, Ron!

-Shut up.

I uh-- it's like a party there.

People are, lights are out.

People are doing everythingthey normally do,

except they're shaking.

Let me do myimpression of somebody

experiencing the earthquake.

Shut up.

Hello Gary, yeah, whydon't you come over.

I though you were going towatch the World Series with me.

Uh what?

No, on I don't feel anything.

What are you talking about?

Oh, jeez.

Holy mackerel.

(SHAKING VOICE) Yeah,I'm in a door way.

Yeah.

Yeah, why don't you come over?

Oh man, that powerjust went out.

Yeah, I'll be rightover, just let

me get the secondfloor off my back.

Thank you very much.

How are you feeling?

I am in New Yorker.

Do we have any otherNew Yorkers here?

Are there any here?

It is so good to beback in the city.

I've been doing alot of travelling.

I've noticed something.

When you travel, youtake that New Yorker

attitude with youwherever you go.

You do.

I was in the middleof West Virginia.

I'm lost, I pull overto the side of the road.

There's this old guywearing overalls.

I said, excuse me.

Can you tell me howto get to the highway?

The guy looks at me witha totally straight face.

He goes, you're goingto want to go northwest.

Northwest?

Want am I, Magellan?

Do you see a compass in my car?

Let's skip the directions asthe crow flies, bubba, OK?

I don't have time to seewhich direction the sun

sets in, all right?

Can I get a leftor right, please?

You gotta be careful though.

You gotta be careful.

That New Yorker attitudewill get you in trouble.

I get on thehighway, first thing

I get pulled over for speeding.

Cop walks over to me,I roll down the window.

He says, do you knowhow fast you were going?

I couldn't resistance.

I said, yeah, I know exactlyhow fast I was going.

What I didn't know was that youwere parked behind the bridge.

Like if I had knownthat, we probably

would be havingthis conversation.

Is there anything else Ican help you with, officer?

I don't know if you noticed,but I'm in a bit of a hurry.

So I'm in the holding cell, andI'm make it a lot of friends.

I'm happy to beback in New York.

Nice to be back inmy own apartment.

Just got a new answeringmachine for my apartment.

I'm very excited about that.

You guys haveanswering machines?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

-Do you screen your calls?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

-Do you get reallyexcited when it's

somebody you didn'twant to talk to?

That's how pathetic my life is.

That is how-- I sitaround my apartment like,

[beeping]

Hi, John, this is Mr.Davis with MasterCard Visa.

Good screen, high five.

Good screen.

Good screen, yes!

Yes!

I am screen master!

No one will everget through to me.

Everybody lies when itcomes to the telephone.

You don't believe me?I prove it to you.

By round of applause,how many people

here ever pretend totake down a message

you're not really taking down?

You never do.

But you fake like you do.

It's like, hold on.

Let me get a pen.

OK, got one.

Be honest.

You ever seen a pen onthe other side of the room

and thought to yourself, nothat would mean getting up.

And uh, you're notthat important.

You'll call back.

Sometimes I actuallyfeel so guilty,

I pretend to write the numberdown in the air in front of me.

Hang up the phone, you'relike, where did I write that?

It was right out here.

I saw this womanwalking a dog that big.

It's not even adog at this point.

They're not dog,they're dog mice.

That's what they are.

It's kind of dogthat's so small,

that it's justshivering all the time.

It's just always shivering.

It could be 90 degrees out,but the dog is just shivering

because it's sosmall it could retain

body heat in a microwave.

You ever see these dogs?

What happened to Darwin, folks?

Survival of the fittest.

If the dog needs a sweater,it doesn't deserve to live.

That's the way I look at it.

People get dogs for protection.

I want to take Karate.

Anybody here taking Karate?

Yeah?

How long you been taking it?

When you were a kid.

Yeah, I got a friend that's beentaking it for like six months,

which is a really dangerousamount of time to take Karate.

Because you get to thatfalse confidence stage,

you know what I mean.

You learn that one move,you think your Bruce Lee.

My friend thinks he's thenext action movie hero.

If somebody ever jumped outwith a gun and tried to mug him,

the only thing hecould do is go, OK.

Grab my wrist.

I don't think that'sgoing to work, killer.

He has an Uzi.

I want to take bettercare of myself.

I want to eat better.

I went to a Chinese restaurant.

You guys like Chinese food?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

-I like the Chinese food, Ihate the dippy little fortunes

at the end of the meal.I think they're stupid.

I think we should use thefortunes to screw with people.

I think the guy thatwrites the fortunes

should be a manic depressive.

Think about it.

Every once in awhilesomebody, somewhere,

would open up theirfortune cookie.

They'd be like, I know-- guys?

Mine says, you die Sunday at 8.

because I just hadmy second child

and-- it's so much quieter here.

Home is so exhausting.

Now once that babyhits, man you go

from being lovers to teammates.

Really.

It's like feed her, pass her,burp her, pass her, clean her,

pass her, diaper, passher, pass her, pass her.

And at the end of the night,we're too tired for sex.

We just fall intobed and high five.

Way to burp her.

Nice wipe.

[snoring]

-I've learned this.

Babies are neat. butraising a good kid,

that deserves a medal.

Agree on that?

Instead of baby announcements,like we're proud to announce

the arrival of an 8 pound boyor something, wait 20 years.

You're really proud toannounce our 180 pound

boy is finally out of the house.

He's drug free, HIVnegative, and hasn't

knocked anyone up yet.

[sigh]

-We're proud.

He votes and isstarting to read.

And now, now, I'm uh, I'mgetting these scary mailings.

Dads, you know whatI'm talking about.

As soon as that baby hits,you get these scary mailings

that say,congratulations new dad.

Now, what about life insurance?

Disability?

College fund?

What if they get sick, Dad?

Think of the future, Dad.

So I did.

Got a vasectomy.

Don't know what avasectomy is exactly?

I'll tell you.

The vas part is forthe vas deferens tube

in a man's most tender part, OK?

Which they slice open, grab,cut, knot, and then staple

shut!

And I paid for that.

That's the vas part.

And then ectomy, for ech, to me?

But I think withoverpopulation, it'd

be nice if we could find away to encourage vasectomies.

Like make them fun,so guys will do it.

Don't even say vasectomy.

Just put a bunch of beeron ice, and call them

like sperm retirement parties.

A salute to themillions that's served.

Yeah.

Have party food.

Maybe cheese balls withlittle Band-Aids, huh?

And party games.

Yeah, bigger women canbeat on a testicle pinata

till it breaks andnothing comes out.

Get them gifts, maybea vasectomy card.

"You finished all your breeding.

Now relax, enjoy,don't sweat it.

The environment'sa better place,

because now youpumped unleaded."

Getting older,getting older, man.

And people treatyou harder with age.

I see you young guys out there.

Man, you young guys can godrinking every night, right?

Young guys go chasingwomen every night.

You do that, you'recalled party animals.

Do that in middle age, you'recalled a lonely alcoholic.

The truth, huh?

This first hit me.

I was in college.

I was in the nightclub, I wasin the bathroom of a nightclub

sick from drinking too much,sweaty, a middle-aged guy was

next to me, heaving, justlike me, and I thought, loser.

Guy has no class.

Women are treatedeven harder, right?

Right?

When a young woman is dressespretty, people go, whoa, sexy.

A middle-agedwoman dresses sexy,

people go, whoa, divorced.

You put on red lipstick,push-up bra, and a leather mini

in old age, peoplego, check this out.

Is that a man?

Adulthood is scary.

It is.

I didn't know.

I feel like I'm on somescary carnival ride.

And kids don't know.

Kids, kids want the thrills.

Kids want to get on thatroller coaster of life, right?

And grow up, up, up, up, andthey peak when they realize

they needed a job, a home,a woman, like my parents.

[screaming]

-Ah, growing up.

It's like sex, yay!

Diseases, oh.

Drugs, yeah.

Addiction.

Money, taxes.

Women, dump me.

Women, dump me.

Oh, having fun now!

That's my time.

Loading...