I Miss David Bowie

  • Season 1, Ep 12
  • 06/14/2016

Nikki teams up with Kristen Schaal to provide dialogue for a porn scene, plays Sext Symbols with Chris D'Elia and Kate Walsh, and quizzes strip club patrons about women.

(vibrating tone)

(crowd cheers) (upbeat hip hop music)

- Guys, a few months ago on Not Safe,

we picked guys upoutside of a strip club

and asked them questionsabout women in order

to win back the money they just spent in the club.

Here's what happened.

Name as many famous women that you can over the age of 50

and go.

- Uhh, Hillary Clinton.

(cash register dings)

- Hillary Clinton.

(cash register dings) - Hillary Clinton.

- Uhh, Hillary Clinton.

- Hillary Clinton.

- Uhh, Hillary Clinton.

- That's always the first one.

- Uhm...

(snaps fingers)

- Do I get like ashout out or something?

- You wanna call your mom, you can

but you have to tell her where I picked you up from.

- No, I'm good.

Uhm...

- I went blank, I'm sorry I just keep

on thinking of Hillary Clinton, I have no reason.

- This is really pathetic.

- Uhh, Harriet Tubman.

(buzzer)

Do they have to be alive?

- And on and on.

This time (crowd laughs)

we went back to the strip club for the chicken wings!

No, just kidding.

(crowd laughs)

Tend to be weird.

This time we went back and we asked them

to name some of the services Planned Parenthood offers

and they didn't have a clue and Planned Parenthood

does so much other stuff then the one thing you're thinking

about right now, I knowwhat you're thinking

but there's so much to knowand here's a little trick I use

to help me remember all the services they provide.

Here we go.

They give breast exams.

They do adoption referrals.

They provide birth control

and youth education.

They offer prenatal services.

They perform AIDS testing

and offer reversible contraception.

They treat UTIs and bladder infection

and so much other shit.

So the next time someone asks what Planned Parenthood does,

just remember B.A.B.Y.P.A.R.T.S.

(crowd laughs)

That's just a coincidence.

Don't remember that.

That was just a coincidence, they don't do that.

This week on Not Safe, we find more men at a strip club

and test their knowledge

on the services PlannedParenthood offers.

Tune in Tuesday at 10:30 PM to see how much they know.

Not much.

(crowd cheers) (upbeat hip hop music)

So, Kristen.

Kristen: Yes. Hi.

Do you watch porn?

Yes, I do.

Do you?

Yes, I do, Mom and Dad.

Yes, I do.

Today I thought we would talk about women in the workplace.

I think that's a great idea.

I'm going to be doing Dani Daniels.

You'll be voicing the man -- Lexington Steele.

Do you feel connected to him?

Oh, 100%.

Nikki: Yeah.

I feel, like, this is, like --I like him.

Yeah.

Let's get started.

Okay, yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

Kristen: Hello.

What can I do for you, Dakota?

Hello. What can I do for you, Dakota?

I just found out Jim is making twice as much as me.

I just found out that Jim is making twice as much as me.

I work twice as hard as Jim.

I work twice as hard as Jim.

Kristen:I'll give you something twice as

hard as Jim.

I'll give you something twice ashard as Jim.

You're talking about your --Your dick?

How do you know how hard Jim's dick is?

Kristen:It was a Christmas party.

It was a Christmas party.

Don't make this weird.

Don't make this weird.

I take this thing really seriously.

One in...

...three women have been sexually harassed.

Nikki: I know.

And did you know one in three holes is really wet right now?

Are you hitting on me?

I think...

...that's against company policy.

"Actually, I checked the bylaws,and as long as we are not in

direct, indirect, or a perceivedreporting relationship where one

individual can influence the other's terms or conditions of

employment, we're good."

[ Laughter ]Actually, I checked the bylaws,

and we're good.

[ Laughter ][ Snickers ]

Kristen: Those were in alphabetical order.

Those were in alphabetical order.

Now lick my balls.

Now lick my balls.

Nikki:But I'm just a temp.

But I'm just a temp.

Kristen: So?

So?

So I'll pretend to lick your balls...

...but I'm actually checking Facebook.

Wow. Kendall got fat.

[ Muffled ]Wow. Kendall got fat.

Lex is a special man.

This is a real privilege to get to see my words.

I miss David Bowie.

Nikki: Did you know Brittany Murphy died?

Did you know Brittany Murphy died?

Yes.

[ Laughter ]God, you're making me wetter...

...wetter than the visitors bathroom key.

Now do your impression of Patty in Accounts Receivable.

Do your impression [Moans]of Patty in...

Accounts...Receivable.

Keep those doughnuts...

...away from my desk.

They're like poison.

I can't stay away.

They're like poison.

I can't...

Stay away.

...stay away.

I don't know why I asked for that I hate Patty so much.

I don't know why I asked for that.

I-I-I hate Patty so much.

I just lost my boner.

I just lost my boner.

Sorry. I need a minute.

[ Laughs ]Beat my slutty ass with that

Pugs of North America calendar.

Kristen: You bet I will, after Ishove this Dilbert mug inside

you."

You bet I will, after I shove this...

Dilbert.

Bilbert mug --Dilbert, Dilbert.

Is that the right dog?

No, "Dilbert" -- It's like a cartoon about office people.

It's not really in circulation anymore.

All right.

You're doing great, by the way, Dani.

[ Chuckling ] Thanks.

All right, I think they're gonnafinish this up here.

Kristen:Okay, Lex, are you ready to take

it to the big finale?

Yeah.

Let it out, Lex.

Let it out!

[ Moaning loudly ]Make a face like you just

remembered something.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Wait a second.

I'm off the pill.

I'm off the pill.

Kristen: My company does not offer maternity leave.

Well, we don't offer maternity leave.

That's bullshit.

Looks like somebody's got a caseof the Mondays.

Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays.

[ Laughter ]You're so good.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Nikki: Welcome to "Pay Your Tab

Cab."

Hey, dudes. Get in.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you doing?

Good.

This is Sasha.

Hello.

Hello, Sasha.

That's her stripper name.

I'm Nikki.

My stripper name is Melia.

How are you doing, Melia?

Hi. What's up?

How was the strip club tonight?

It was good.

How much money did you spend in

there?

A little over a thousand.

A thousand?!

That's it.

You want to win some money back,

though?

That would be great.

All you have to do is answer

some questions about women.

That's it?

Yeah.

You love women, right?

Who doesn't?

My mom's a woman.

That helps.

Let's play...

...It's time to "Pay Your Tab

Cash!"

That's close to the name.

[ Laughs ]

Let's do it.

Oh, shit.

Okay, first question.

Who was the first woman that

NASA sent into orbit?

Was it Sally Field, Sally Space,

or Sally Ride?

Sally Space.

[ Buzzer ]

No.

No.

Sally Space.

[ Buzzer ]

It got to be that because her

last name is Space.

I mean, that's --

they sent both of the

Armstrongs.

[ Buzzer, buzzer, buzzer,

buzzer, buzzer ]

I agree with you.

All right.

What is the shorthand term for a

woman's pelvic exam?

Gyno-something.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughs ]

I know this one, 'cause I used

to be a nurse.

Okay.

Really?

Let me think.

Pelvic exam, I'm gonna have to

say, uh...

Epidural?

[ Buzzer ]

Actually, it is a Pap smear.

Have you heard of that?

Yes.

Have you given one?

No, but I've seen it being

administered.

How was it?

Kind of frightening.

All right, next question.

Name one kind of tube in the

female anatomy.

I don't know the name, but it

starts with an E.

An E tube.

Oh, of course --

fillupian.

[ Fanfare ]

Say it one more time.

Fillupian!

[ Fanfare ]

Tho-- Thopial?

Fallopian tube?

[ Cash register dings ]

Ethiopial tube.

[ Buzzer ]

No, that's wrong on so many

levels, Dallas, but you're so

goddamn cute, I wanted to give

it to you.

You're so stupid.

[ Laughs ]

But it doesn't matter 'cause

look at those eyebrows.

Next question.

Oh! Guess what time it is.

It's a lightning round!

[ Electricity zaps ]

Yes! Can you make a lightning

sound, Sasha?

Shhhhhh-boom!

[ Laughs ]

That's when it hits the ground.

[ Laughs ]

Okay.

Name as many services as you can

that Planned Parenthood offers.

And...go.

Abortion.

Abortion.

Abortion.

Abortion.

Housing?

[ Buzzer ]

Uh, food?

[ Buzzer ]

Clothes.

[ Buzzer ]

Transportation.

[ Buzzer ]

Um...

And that's about all I got.

Okay, okay.

They don't do any of those, but,

um...

I was close.

Not really.

You don't get to call that.

Okay, Sean, um, you did great

tonight, and I can't give you

any money.

But what I can give you is this

Planned Parenthood brochure that

I think you should just, like,

learn some stuff about.

It can help.

I just had a baby.

You have a baby?

Study up and we'll see you next

time on "Pay Your Tab Cab."

Bye!

Have a nice night.

Bye.

I can't believe he used to be a

nurse.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]