The Fabulous Murphy Sisters

  • Season 6, Ep 8
  • 03/03/2016

Alice's freewheeling sister visits the TelAmeriCorp office and teaches the guys how to please a woman.

- Yo! X Games!

What the hell's up, man?

This is Blake H.

And right over here is...

- Ders H.!

And we're here to tell youthat you need to consider

our new sportfor this summer's X Games.

- Freaking don'teven consider it.

Just take it,you idiots.

It's brilliant, all right?- Duh.

- Basically what we've doneis taken the sickest

and gnar-gnarest, most epicsports and mixed them together.

I'm talking rollerblading,I'm talking skateboard combined

to make Roller-skating...2.

- The New Class.- Sick.

What?

DeMampsa, what up, bro?

Are you ready to rip?

- I'm ready to rip!

Actually, I'm very nervous.

I don't think I'm wearingenough padding,

but I will die for you guys!

- Freaking rock on.Ders, light it up.

Let's do this.

- Ready to go?- Ow!

- Little worried.- Ow!

- Whoo!

- All right,you got this, DeMamp!

- [yelling]- Ders, punch it!

We're about to hit the jump!- [screaming]

- Whoa, dude!- Whoo!

- How did you land that, dude?- [laughing]

- Blake, tell meyou got the shot.

- I got it--- You got the shot?

- Oh! Ah![cracking]

Ow!

- Great, Blake.I hope you're happy.

You lost the footie, and theX Games are in like four days.

Now we're gonna have to get anew cameraman for the next run.

- No. Next run?There's not a next run.

Blake's hurt, man.- Yeah, didn't you hear him?

I, like, fractured itin, like, six places.

I don't think my wristwill ever walk again.

- Fine.

I'll freaking text Karl,have him film it.

He's not gonna be a bitchabout it and go to the hospital

for no good reason.

- Yeah, um, again,serious injury.

But it's okay 'cause I liketo ride in ambulances.

[whispering]I'm gonna steal drugs!

- Get him out of my face!

- I mean, I knew today was gonnaend with an ambulance ride.

I just didn't think Blakewould be the one in it.

- What's that supposedto mean?

- It means, like,you're always getting hurt.

[ambulance beeping]- Yeah. Yeah, right, Ders.

I get hurt all the time.

[thudding]- Dude! Hey!

Whoa, guys!Hey!

[ambulance sirens wailing]

[sighs]

Hi, 911?

Yeah, it's Anders again.

Uh, look, can you tellyour boy to flip a B?

We got another.

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

- ♪ I'm fresh

♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

♪ Gotta be fresh

- God, man, I can't believeI broke my wrist

on my scratching hand.

Ders, will you just give meone little finger, please?

- Dude, scratchyour own butt.

I'm worried about Adam.

He probably should'vegotten in the ambulance.

He's got a concussion.- He's fine, dude.

- No, he's not, he's showingall the symptoms--

nausea, memory loss,mood swings.

- [vomits loudly]

Ew!

Who puked?

[giggles]

Answer me!

- That was you.You just did it.

- All right.Listen up, everybody.

Because of the little stuntthese three morons pulled

in the parking lot,

corporate now wants us to takean online safety course,

which sounds super fun.

So it'll take aboutthree hours, so after lunch,

just get to your cubicles--

- Who's the coolest?- [choking]

- Who's the coolest?Who's the coolest?

Can't hear you.Going to sleep.

Oh, good night.

I'm her sister.

I'm Juliette.It's all good.

Oh, God,I think I'm still drunk.

Me and B-Rad just did a 12-hourshift at Spearmint Rhino.

That pig is still therejust crushing hot wings.

- Sick.- B-Rad.

- That's sick.- I miss that guy.

- Classic sleeper hold, huh?

- Still funny.

- I see that you've metmy sister, Juliette.

She's going to befilling in for Jillian

while she's onNational Guard duty.

- Cool. Freaking sick.- Yeah.

- What the hell was I saying?

- You were doing some BS speechabout safety or something.

Dude, I knew this job was gonnabe a complete dookie fountain.

- Dookie fountain.- [laughing]

- All right, well, this is howmuch fun we're gonna have.

Because if everybody passestheir online safety course,

I'm gonna take youon a nature hike.

- Go walking?- That's lame.

I have a better idea.

I used to datethis chick in the Navy.

She has a jump plane.

We can go skydiving.

- Are you serious?- What?

- Oh, we should go skydiving!- Finally.

- Let's go skydiving!

Let's go skydiving.- Guys. Come on, skydiving?

That's--that's not cool.

It's, like, so '90s.

- What, are you kidding me?The '90s were awesome.

Like "Space Jam,""Doug," Lark Voorhies.

- Yup."Real World: Seattle."

When Stephen slapped Irene?

That was off the hook.

- It was.- Uh, Blink 182.

"What's My Age Again?"

- Yeah.- What is my age again?

- Are you serious?- How old am I?

- [chanting] Skydiving...

- Don't start chanting, please--all: Skydiving!

Skydiving!

Skydiving!- All right, okay, fine!

If you wanna go freakingskydiving, we'll go skydiving.

[all cheering]

- Yes! Yes!

- Yes, yes, yes.- Yes!

- [laughing]Yes, yes, yes.

- Ew!Who puked?

[laughs]

Yeah!

This freaking safety testis impossible.

- Adam, ple--okay, well,you are on farmersonly.com

You're not even takingthe test right now.

We just--we need to concentrate.

Do you not want to goon the field trip, dude?

Come on,it's gonna be super fun.

- Dude, you know what happenson field trips.

Bus ride hookups.

- [laughs]- This guy knows. Look.

You get your Starter jacket out,put your hand underneath,

and you make the pussy queef.

- You don't have to tell me.

I've got history.

Ninth grade, yeah.

We took a field tripto "Fiddler on the Roof,"

and I "diddler" on the bus,is what I did.

- That's awesome.- Hi.

Uh, just taking a shotin the dark here,

but you drug addictsdefinitely have drugs, right?

- Uh...

Uh...yes.- Ahem.

- I can't hear you.- We got the hookup.

Yeah, I can't--it's just, your sister's

just kind of watching uslike a hawk, so...

- You're worried about Alice?She's obsessed with me.

She'll do anythingfor my approval.

Watch this.

Hey, Alice, these guysover here are doing drugs.

- What?- Cocaine, you name it.

- No, no.- Just kidding.

I just didn't want to walkall the way over there.

So what are you getting mefor lunch, peachy?

- Well, actually, I was going tolet this be a surprise,

but we're gonna get someEl Pollo Loco tacos.

- Uh, the thing about that isI'd rather have balls

in my mouththan eat their tacos.

- 'Cause she's a lesbian.

- Sick.- Thanks.

Go to Tina's Tacos.They're the best.

Tell Tina you know me and she'llgive you that extra guac hookup.

- Stop touching my breast.- Vamonos. Mami's hungry.

Mm!- Smoking in Alice's office.

- Okay, so you all passed.

- Man, this sucks thatyou're only gonna

work here for two weeks.

I really love you.- Yeah.

- No, two weeks--that'smy limit on any job, dude.

- Mm.- Whoa.

You guys didn't tell me that afamous actress worked here.

- What, Didi?- Yeah.

- Oh, no, she's nota famous actress.

- No, it's Didi.- Oh...

- Yeah, she's a lizard.- She used to be.

Look at this.Check this out.

- Ooh. She is one bad mama-jamma.

- Didi's, like,a lesbian icon.

- What, bitch? You gonna stand there and stare

or you gonna sock it to my pocket like a space rocket?

- Oh, my stars.You weren't kidding.

- Nope.- That's her, isn't it?

- All your friends are dead. Now you are too.

[gunshots]

- Dude, this puts Didiin a whole new light.

I think I just found my...

bus ride hookup.

- [coughs and grunts]

- [laughs]Oh, no, no, no, no, Ders.

I'm the one who's gonna beslipping Didi my digits.

And I'm not talking aboutmy phone number.

- I just called her, okay?

Are we really about to havethis manversation?

- Okay, yeah, actually we are.I need some manswers, dude,

and I'm sorry to talk about thisin front of you.

It's just guy stuff.- I mean, I'm fine with it.

Dude, it's a field trip.

I'm definitely finger-banginga TelAmeri-vag.

- [laughs]- Yeah.

- Yeah, but I called Didi.- No--

- Well, guys, I don't have timefor this buffoonery

because I actually havea meeting with Karl

in the parking lot right now.

- What? About what?- I don't know, Anders!

[clattering]

- Okay.

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

- Hey, Didi, uh, could you helpme with something real quick?

[wheels squeaking]- Huh?

- Yeah.- What the--what's going on?

- I just wanted to show you alittle something with my, uh,

finger skateboard.

Thought maybe you could watch meshred some gnar tricks.

Tell me how you likemy finger skills.

Sit back, relax,and enjoy the sho--oh!

Oh, do you likethe way I ollie?

Oh, that's weird,I'm so good,

and this isn't evenmy good hand.

I'm actually left-handed.- [strums banjo]

- If you get what I'm saying.

- [strums banjo]- What the hell's that?

- Can you do this?

What's up, Didi?Check it.

[plays upbeat bluegrass tune]Ooh!

Yeah!

They call them "licks"for a reason.

- [giggles]

- Yeah,you're pretty cool.

Honor.- Okay. Yeah, no.

And you can go lick off,Steve Martin.

Why don't you go put a arrowthrough your head, you idiot?

'Cause I was just aboutto show her my final trick.

- Oh, hey, finger skater boy.

I said, see you later, boy.

You're not good enough for her.

- Okay, well, that's funny youshould say that,

because it's gonna be prettyhard for her to refuse my love

when I can do this.- Oh, oh!

So it's time to battle?- Watch this.

- ♪ She'll be coming aroundthe mountain when she comes ♪

- Stop!Obviously.

- See you later, guys.- What are you doing?

- What?It's an old-fashioned duel.

Except instead of real guns,we're using finger guns.

- Oh, this isn't a duel, Ders,okay?

'Cause you don't stand a chance,all right?

'Cause I'm gonna be the oneat the back of the bus

rocking Didi's worldwith some erotic...

pawing.

[meowing]

Am I getting right underlittle kitty's chin?

And then guess what.While she's not looking...

- Mm-hmm.- Oh, my God.

Is that how you think you'resupposed to finger a girl?

- Yeah. What, you think that'show you finger a girl?

Dude, you're a dummy--you don'teven have any cool moves.

I got a cool move.

You basically makethe shadow puppet dog,

but then you shove it in, right?And then it just bites the meat.

- Ding-dong, ding-dong,ding-dong, ding-dong.

Let me in, ma'am,I got a vacuum to sell ya.

- Okay, this is whatI call the twister--

- Okay, you guys!Okay, stop.

Come, follow me.- What?

- Working up a sweat.

- Okay, that's secure.Excellent.

Oh, dude!

Goons the [beep]-Eaterstrikes again, man.

[laughs]That is funny.

Oh, uh, talent on set.

Okay, everybody, let's gatherround, let's do this.

- Whoo!Let's go, okay!

Yeah!

- You're luckywe even showed up

'cause we're a busy crew.

We got back-to-back quinceañeras

later on this afternoon,so let's get to it.

Time is money, all right?

- [retches]

Okay.Yeah, let's do this.

- Okay, let's roll camera.

Roll sound.- Rolling!

- Good.And...

[mouthing]Action.

Adam--okay, man.

Look, if you're nervous,just use that emotion.

Think about the script.

Say your lineswith that emotion.

It's gonna be great.

- All right.

Where's the script?

- Okay, cut.

Okay, we don't workwithout a script,

so if you'll excuse us,we need to go watch

two beautiful, young Mexicanfemales turn into

two beautiful,old Mexican women.

So buh-buh-bye.

- Oh, don't you turnyour backs on me!

Don't you--

I'll break everythingthat you own!

I will break you!

I will ruin youand your whole squadron!

I'm gonna fight oneof these women right here.

I'm gonna beat the shitout of this girl right here.

Yeah, the big one.I'm coming for you--

- Ooh!

Homeless Mike,are you okay?

- Okay, lesson number one.

Clitoris is on the topof the kiwi.

Copy that?- Yeah.

- Butthole is on the bottom.- [giggling]

- Just avoid thatunless she says not to.

- Okay, okay.- She's gonna say not to.

So just calm down.

I want you to justgo up and down,

gently massage the clitoris.

- Okay, and the clitorisis in here?

- Yes--oh! No!- So get in there--

- Yeah, get it, boy.- Okay, stop. Stop.

- Oh, look,I'm making the Jell-O.

- Here, let me just--I'll show you.

- At least there's liquidcoming out.

I heard that's good.

- When do we get to goto the butthole?

- Hi there.- Hi.

- So, uh, I actually foundsomething interesting.

Um, I just wenton my computer

and I checkedthe safety course scores,

and funny, it looks like you twoand Adam all scored a 69.

- Oh, good for you guys.

- Frickin' triple 69.- Nice.

- We've always wantedto do that.

- That's awesome!- I'm not buying it.

She put you up to this,didn't she?

- Look, we got those scoreson our own.

I mean why--do you want a cupfor your hater-ade?

'Cause that's whatyou're drinking.

Do you want a cup for it?- That's a dirty cup though.

- You should've seenthe other girl.

- What?

- I got in a fightin the parking lot.

I think I beat up a woman.

- You know what?That is it!

Skydiving is cancelled.- Ohh!

- Okay? No!

You are too much of a liability,and I am not taking the risk.

We are going with my plan,and we're gonna go hiking.

And it's gonna be fun.Deer.

- Deer?Deers are pretty.

- I'm supposed to diddle Didi!

I can't do that if we'regoing to Rancho Hills.

That's like six minutes away.How am I supposed

to diddle Didi in six minutes?

It's gonna take meat least a half hour

to find a cliton the butthole.

- I don't know why you guysare talking to each other

in that tone, and I don't knowwhy I'm in the kitchen.

- Okay, everyonejust calm down.

We're gonna go skydiving.

I've been manipulating Alicemy entire life, all right?

All we have to do is apologize,do some grand gesture,

and she's gonna fold.

Okay?- Yeah, no doubt.

- ♪ Kick it

- Here she comes,here she comes.

- Shh.Everyone, be professional.

- What the hellare you guys doing in here?

Get back to to work.

- First of all, we want to saythat we are sorry

and that we take safetyvery seriously.

And to show that--have a seat--

we put togethera little presentation.

- Yes, welcometo our presentation of...

"Office Safety: It's VeryImportant and We Get That."

I'd love to run some statsby you.

Recent studies have shownthat the most dangerous things

you can do are retreatson earth.

On the ground.

Here's a great exampleof what might happen

on an outside work retreat.

Juliette,watch out for that cliff!

- Cliff? What cliff?[trailing off]

- We shall celebrate our--our bountiful harvest

with our new native friends...

by feasting and giving strength.

Uh--thanks.

And we shall call this day"Thanksgiving."

- Adam, wrong--no, this is--

wrong performance.This is a safety presentation.

- Your words make no senseto me, noble Indian.

But I shall thank youand your people

for the corn and the blankets.

- What the hellis wrong with him?

- Corn.So, okay.

Say we're on the hikeand we're picking wild corn.

Okay, and what's that?Ah! Rattlesnake!

Rattlesnake to the neck!

I've now been bit, the venomis coursing through me.

If someone doesn'tsuck the venom out soon,

I will have a casualty.Who, hm?

Who should do it?Maybe Didi.

Get over hereand work my neck, girl.

- Didi?Oh, ow! More corn snakes!

Bit me in the neck!So, Didi, you're gonna

have to suck on my neck too.

- Well, me first'cause I got bit first, so...

- I need it.

It's been a while sinceI've had a snake bite me.

- But I'm a pilotin the next scene.

I switched with Gary.

- What?Okay, no recasting.

- What needs sucking?- Uh...

- Okay, I can seewhat you guys are doing

and it is not happening, okay?

We are not going skydiving.

We are going hiking,and that is final.

- Can you please just be coolfor once in your life?

- Right?- Try it?

- Okay, do you wanna knowwhat's cool?

Consistency and leadership.

You think what she does is cool?

She just, like,goes from job to job

and girl to girl and hasno responsibilities

and isn't tied down.

That's not cool, okay?

- Alice, that's the definitionof cool

and I thinkyou're just jealous

and it's nota good look on you.

- I am not jealous.

- Oh, my gosh, this is sad.

You won't even let ushave any fun

just so you can win somestupid family squabble?

I'm disappointed in you.

- All right. Fine.Fine, you know what?

You know what,you're probably right.

All right?I am not cool.

I'm never gonna beas cool as Juliette.

She's always been the cool one.

So you know what, if you wantto go and hang out with her

and go skydiving and nothang out with me on a hike--

your Alice--fine, I can't stop you.

- Yeah, we do.- Yeah.

- Sick! All right!- Awesome.

- Yeah, we did it!

- Okay, so forthe X Games submission,

I'm gonna Roller-skate 2: TheNew Class out of an airplane.

That's cool, right?- Yeah.

- And then I'll bethe first person

to Roller-skate 2:The New Class midair.

Which is cool, right?- Yeah.

- Okay, so I need you guysto help me film it.

- Yeah, I mean, we're in.

I think we're just gladto see you back

to your good, old,normal self.

- Oh, well, I didn't diein my sleep,

which the doctor saidis a good sign.

- Yeah, that is.- That's huge.

- But I gotta wear this helmetbecause evidently,

if I get one more concussion,I'll get brain damage.

But for now, I'm fine.

- One second.- Right on.

- Hey, guys,the van's out back.

- Just save mea seat next to you.

- I want to sit next to you.

- I don't understand what the big deal is.

- I'd love to just talkon the bus.

- No, no, no, this is--

this is fine, this is just fine.

It's actually very typical of you.

I mean, you promisedan entire office

that you'd take them skydiving,

and now you're bailingon them for some girl.

I mean, cool.- Yeah, what is the problem?

- The problem is is thatthe van is going to be here

in five minutes.

What am I supposedto tell them?

- Make something up.I don't know.

Tell them that I got my periodand that my tampon will fly out.

- No.

No, I am donecovering for you, okay?

You know what, I really thoughtyou'd changed.

But you're still the same flakethat you've always been.

- Oh, God.- And I'm over it.

So get the hell outof my call center.

- Jesus!

- Ahem.Uh, attention, everyone.

Uh...unfortunately,I have some bad news.

Seems that Julietteis not going to be able

to take you skydiving today.

So, um, she...

started her period.

- Ooh, I know how badthat can get.

- Well, I mean everybody knowsthat at that altitude,

I mean, your tamponcan just fly out of you.

- No, that's true.

A lot of lesbianshave medical issues because

they don't have dicksinside of them.

- Yeah, sure.

- This is ridiculous!- I'm sorry, you guys.

- Thanks, Alice.

Real cool.

- But you know what?

Hey, what if I....

I don't know, what if Itake you guys skydiving?

- Okay, are you being seriousright now?

- Yeah.- Yes! Alice freaking rocks.

- Yeah!- Alice!

[all chanting]Alice! Alice! Alice!

- All right, yes, okay,thank you, that is very sweet.

But let's just get on the vanbefore I change my mind, okay?

- Shotgun!- I don't think so.

- Okay.- Hey, um, Alice?

- We're gonna go skydiving!- What?

- We heardthe whole conversation

with you and Juliette.

And we know that she's noton her period.

And it's pretty cool for youto step up for the office, so...

- Yeah, that's reallyfreaking cool.

I'd even go to say, uh...

you're the coolestMurphy sister.

- Thanks, Blake.- Right?

- Seriously, thank youfor saying that.

That really meansa lot to me.

I just feel likeI've always grown up

in the shadow of my sister.

She always makes me feelso small, you know?

- [giggling]- Just makes me feel this big.

- Are you cryingright now?

Oh, my God,that is so weak!

- Why are you crying?- That's such a weak emotion.

- Yeah, you cry?[laughter]

Ew, that's nota good look on you.

- You got issues.- Oh, my God.

- Crybaby.

- "My sister!"

No, I want Didi!- Stop!

- Get out of my way.- Please, just stop.

I need this, okay?- Uh, that's my seat.

- That's me.- What? No.

Sit somewhere else.

- Hey, uh...- What?

- I brought a kiwi.

If you wanted to,I don't know, like...

pretend on the way there.

- Great.

- Imagination isa powerful thing.

[dramatic music]

- Yeah.Yeah, thanks.

- This could've been you, Didi.

- When you guys are donefinger-banging that kiwi,

can I get it?

I'm starving.

- You got it.

[clears throat]

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

- Okay, you're all set!

- I'm sorry, but isn't itillegal to allow someone

to jump aloneon their first time?

- Yeah, technically you'resupposed to have

25 jumps in first.

But we're not a legalskydiving company.

I'm just a chick with a planewho used to bang your sister!

- What? What?

No! No!

[screams]- Ooh, whoa!

- All right, who's up next?- All right!

- Me?Cool.

- Ooh-rah!- Okay.

Whoa!

- Whoa![laughing]

Jumping, jumping!

- Oh, what am I doing?

They don't even wear helmetsin the X Games.

- Roller-skate guy,you're up!

- [screaming]

- No!

- My little baby!

[suspenseful music]

- Oh, no, no,no, no, no.

- Let him land!

Lord, please let him landin the lake.

Adam!

[screaming]

- Nice!

- They actually--they don't havethe muscles inside

of their vaginas 'cause they'renot used to the penetration

of the penis,and the vagina grips ahold

of the penis and actuallyit forms muscles.

- The vagina, it forms--- So lesbians--

things just fall out of 'emall the time.