Comedy Central Presents
Season 15

CC Presents: Al Jackson

  • Season 15, Ep 9
  • 01/11/2011

this room has ever had any,

um, uh, ErectileDysfunction before?

[audience laughter]

Little E.D.?

Every bodies battinga thousand, really?

All right.

Lady's point 'emout-- No.

So, no one here's evertaken a Viagra or Cialis?

Is it just me keeping thatbillion dollar business going?

It's all on.

It's a lotof pressure.

It's all me!

I took a Viagra.

I'm gonna tell youwhy I took one.

And why every dude in thisroom needs to take one,

all right?

Fellas, listen up...focus 'cause daddy's talking.

I did the Las Vegas ComedyFestival this past year.

And in the V.I.P.Lounge in Caesars,

they had a block of icewith a hole cut in it.

[audience laughter]

That's not the joke,but you all are dirty

and I like that--You know what I'm saying?

It's all good.

And the event wassponsored by a certain kind

of vodka company.

So, what they did isthey poured the vodka

through the hole and by thetime it got to your glass,

it was nice and coldand it was free all night.

Okay, yes.

That tells you how myevening went, all right?

So, I get back to room withmy lady, Caesar's Palace,

jacuzzi suite,overlooking the strip.

We ready to do it.

We get to themoment and...

he wouldn't hollerat me... at all.

And any man that's ever beenin that position, like,

for some reason whenyou can't function...

it's kinda like tryingto put like a marshmallow

in a coin slot.

[audience laughter]

Well, how'd you allget the joke then?

All right.

So, I got a homeboythat goes back and forth

from Miami to Mexico.

He's like, "Dude, I go toMexico three times a week.

They don't have someprescriptions down there

and get some Viagra.

And that will neverhappen again."

I'm like every dude inthis room, this room.

You know your malechromosome kicks in like,

"Man, I don'tneed no Viagra.

But give me one...for-for research."

[audience laughter]

and I'm gonna tell you this...every dude in this room

needs to take a Viagraone night in his life.

And the reasonis very simple.

It's because for one night...in our otherwise boring lives,

your woman will bescared of your [deleted].

[laughter and applause]

Don't laughand don't clap.

Here me now.

You [deleted] is pumpedup like it just watched

"Remember the Titans"or something.

It's ready to go.

It-- and if you'reblack like me,

it looks like the topof a snickers bar.

There's veinsgoing through it.

[audience laughter]

If your white it looks likea New York City transit map.

It's red and blue and--

[audience laughter]

Don't ask mehow I know that.

It was acrazy night.

And I'm gonna tell you this,fellas, some real talk.

Fellas, whenever you have anerection that beautiful...

and that powerful you gottasay something really cool

right inthe moment.

And I lookedat my ol' lady.

I looked her right inthe eyes and I said,

"What can browndo for you?"

[audience laughter]

tell you this.

And ladies, too, man-- lifeis going good for me, man.

I just boughtmy first new thing

with my littlebit of comedy money.

How about that?

All right?

Yes.

Thank you, man.

I got myself an'07 Hyundai Sonata.

[audience laughter]

Whoops.

What was the last word,you bourgy crowd?

I'm sorry my parentsdon't send me money.

Proud of my car.

No, in order for thiswhole story to make sense,

you need to understandone thing about me.

And I want anybody that'sout here to just know,

just give me eyes 'causeI know that we together.

And that's that I'mlactose intolerant.

Okay.

Okay, but let mecatch them up.

Being lactose intolerantmeans that like around

the age of 14 to 15 you beeating a bowl of cereal

and you'll go, "oh".

[audience laughter]

No milk ever in your life,just all right, take that,

file that back.

So, I bought my car inMiami where I used to live

and I'm driving up toNew York where I live now.

And for real, man, it wasthe best day of my life.

And I did what any black manthat feels like he's moved up

on the social ladderfeels like he should do.

And I wentto Starbucks.

You know, and Iknow you all giggle

'cause you all go every day andyou got your order ready to go.

I never been to Starbucksa day in my life.

I was like, "$5 coffee,that's what rich people do.

I've arrived."

This is not a joke.

So, I'm in line andthere's a line behind me

and I don'tknow that menu.

I don't knowthat mocha frap.

So, I'm like, let mejust get a black coffee.

And I don't know if youall have ever ordered

a black coffee inStarbucks before,

but they look at youlike you just ordered

a 12 year oldAsian boyfriend.

They don't, they don'tmake black coffee.

The chick was like, "Don'tget the black coffee.

Get the coffeeof the day."

And you know, I'm cleanedup, got a new car...

Finally, I'm like,"[deleted], let's do it."

Give me thecoffee of the day

and it a venti whitechocolate mocha, whatever.

It was good--It was beige.

It was whatever--it was good.

Now mind you, I don'tspeak Starbucks.

I don't know that lattémeans hot milk, all right?

[audience laughter]

So, I get in my car andanybody on the east coast

that's driven on 95 canfeel me when I say this...

Leaving Miami, Iran into that 5:30

Friday bumper tobumper rush hour.

But again, I'm chilling--I'm in my new car.

It got the new car smell--Sunroof down, kicking it.

Finish my coffeeI'm sitting there.

[audience laughter]

And you knowhow at first...

it just startsout as heat?

Like it's not evenpain, it's just hot.

It wasn't evenlike in my stomach.

It was underneathmy stomach.

It told my stomachto tell me,

"Negro, you got threeminutes to get somewhere.

Doesn't have to be a bathroom--It coming either way.

But I feel Ishould tell you."

And we've allbeen there before.

This that time of yourlife where you gotta

do some serious likecritical thinking.

You know what I'mtalking about?

Like turn the radiodown thinking.

'Cause if I do what Ithink I'm about to do

in my brand new car,

I can't take it backto the dealership.

I need some Febreze and afriend that can keep a secret.

[audience laughter]

And I will tell you allthis, if I didn't believe

in God before this day, I didafter the car in front me

pulled up a half a footand I back reversed off

the expressway andwent running into a 7-11

which shoulda beenthe end of the story.

But becauseGod hates me.

You know that men's bathroomwas locked and broken.

I didn't givea [deleted].

I was in that woman'sbathroom so fast.

Which again, shoulda beenthe end of the story.

Except for the fact-- and thisis my hand on my son's life,

there was a 75 year oldwhite woman in that stall...

that forgot tolock the door.

[audience laughter]

And to this day, I wonderwhat was going through

that woman's head...

when she looked upfrom that toilet bowl,

and in that door framewas a 6' foot, 225 pound

black dude with hispants at his ankles

and tears runningdown his [deleted].

[applause]

Now mind you, thisis a true story.

She jumps up, runsout the bathroom.

I didn't give a [deleted]--I slam in behind her, lock it.

I'm doin' what I gottado-- That's my time.

That's daddy's time.

All of a sudden Ihear this on the door.

[knocking]

It was the managerof the 7-11.

She went and told thisdude that a black man

was doing drugs inthe women's bathroom.

And when I swungthat door open...

and walked pastthat man...

he wished that was what Iwas doing in that bathroom.

[cheering and applause]

And this is the last I'll say.

And I-I-I say this on behalfof not only all black people,

but all people that don'thave a job, like I don't.

Uh, white people,I'm watching y'all.

I'm a huge sports fanand I'm on to you guys.

White people are slowly, butsurely... taking over sports.

You see how they getall com-- uncomfortable?

Uh-uh, I'm on you all.

I watch.

It started last year in TheNational Championship game

this year betweenDuke and Butler.

All right.

At one point inthe third quarter,

there were nine white dudeson the court at the same time.

I thought it was halftime the whole game.

I was like--

And if you rewind six monthsbefore that-the chase

to see who's gonna be thebest college football player

in the country forthe Heisman Trophy,

there was a white running backthat was five votes away

from winningthe Heisman.

And white people don'teven give a [deleted].

He was your Jackie Robinson,a white running back.

That's like finding awhite rhino or something.

You ain'tnever seen that.

And hisname was Toby.

How beautifulis that?

[applause]

If somebody-- if somebodyhad told you two years ago

that the best runningback in the country

is gonna bea white dude

and the president wasgonna be black...

you'd be at work like, "Yo,they drug test here, dog.

I don't knowif I like you."

'Cause I had sucha weird experience.

'Cause, uh-uh, what happenedto me with teaching

was I came in, in themiddle of the school year.

And what happens whenyou come in the middle

of the school year,they-they allow each teacher

to get ridof four kids

off of each of theirclassroom rosters

and that becomesyour classroom.

So, I don't know if you allcan do the math on that.

You get the four worsekids in everyone's class.

It-it wasn't evenlike they were coming

from other classrooms.

It was like they weregetting off the bench

at a basketball game.

It was like, "At4'5", he's a biter

and he resentsmale authority.

Put your handstogether--"

So... so theseare my kids.

But the only good thingabout having all bad kids

and any real teacherwill tell you this,

the only reason theyin there to begin with

is because they are[deleted] hysterical.

And I'll tellyou the first time

my kids evermade me laugh--

This is atrue story.

Besides, obviously,Black History Month,

I taught MiddleSchool Science.

The last four weeksevery school year,

I had toteach Sex Ed.

Yeah, uh-hmm.

And you all get allquiet if you want to.

I talk to your kidsabout [deleted] jobs

and backing itup for four weeks.

So, I thank you.

I deserve that--I deserve that.

[applause]

And like, whenyou teach Sex Ed,

I don't know where youguys went to school,

but like, when-whenyou teach Sex Ed,

especially in South Florida,what I had to do

was put on thatold video tape...

from the 1970s called,"The Miracle of Life."

Did you allhave that?

See, where thatdisgusting purple baby

comes shootingout of that lady.

So, you know I'mnot making it up.

And if you haven't seen thevideo, I will catch you up.

The whole video, andI'm not making this up,

is shot from the vantagepoint of just one sperm

looking for the egg.

And you're just ridingon the back of the sperm

the whole video fromthe balls to the shaft,

you just riding on theback of the sperm.

[audience laughter]

And the money shot... iswhen the head of the male

is insideof the woman.

And there's this explosionof sperm all over the screen.

And I'm as uncomfortable asall of you are right now.

Except I was in a classroomfull of 35 Seventh Graders

in a hood in Miami.

And all at the sametime they were like,

"Mr. Jackson,what was that?"

And I was like, "That'sthe part where the man says,

"I told younot to move.

[applause]

"Now get a towel."

All right, that's--

I love it man,I love it.

I just loveliving here.

Clap it up if you loveliving in New York?

How beautifulis it here?

[applause]

I stay hereall day.

This is cool,though being here.

I love being-- and-and Ilove where I used to live.

I used tolive in Miami.

And I lived therefor ten years.

And, like, anytime you tell,

like especiallyin the city,

you tell people you used tolive in Miami people like,

"Oh, Miami, cool.

You know like, youknow palm trees."

I'm like, "No morelike the first 48."

But, like, you know.

It's a little--it's a little rough.

But I didn't even do comedywhen I lived down Miami.

I had a crazy--

I used to be a publicschool teacher down there.

[cheering]

Yeah, all right.

Couple ofus, yeah, man.

I love myteachers, man.

Any time you tellpeople you teach,

people onlyknow one thing.

You know, they like, "howyou deal with them kids?

Them kids?"

I'm like, "it'snot the kids.

It's the parents."

At those parentteacher conferences

where every morning yougotta find a really nice way

to tell somebody that theirchild is mildly retarded.

[audience laughter]

'Cause it's always the samequestion every morning.

They'd be like,"Look, Mr. Jackson,

our son got an'F' in your class.

Why he got an 'F'?"

And I tell 'em,"'Cause I couldn't give

that littlebastard the 'G'."

[audience laughter]

'F' is as lowas I can go.

I'm trying to get somelegislation passed.

Yeah, man, Ireally did teach.

And I tell you this isone of my first memories

from teaching.

It-it's one of thoseparent/teacher conferences.

And I got yanked out of oneof them conferences by arm.

I almost got in trouble'cause I told a kid

that he was gonnafail my class.

Because he had fa--

The kid has failed everyclass including mine.

So, I'm talking to hisparents like adults.

I'm like, "Look, he'sgonna flunk this year.

Get him ready over thesummer, come back next year."

And they yanked at me, like,"Mr. You can't say flunk.

You can't say flunk--It's against protocol.

It's bad for hisself esteem."

and I'm like, "Look,I don't give a [deleted]

what we call it-- I'llcome up with a new term.

Let's call it 'The SeventhGrade Reunion Tour.'

He-he's doingall the old hits.

[applause]

Opening up for Earth,Wind, and Fire."

This is cool, yeah, man--This is good.

And I tell you,

I'm sure we do have someteachers in the house.

And people don't realize,like, teachers we get hated on

all the time at thoseparent/teacher conferences

because parentscome at you crazy.

They come at yourcrazy and they're like,

"Look, my kid isn't failingany class but yours...

Maybe it's you--Maybe it's not my kid."

And that's when everyteacher gotta break out

the one thing thatevery teacher got.

It's our ace in the hole--It's our black jack 21.

And those standardizedtest scores.

That's in blackand white, Jack.

That's not me--That's the government.

'Cause you can lookright on there, like,

"If you look here... mostof the kids in South Florida

scored aboutin this area.

If you lift your foot up,your son scored right here.

See that?

We had a gerbiltake the same test.

He scored here, so--

Let's fire upthat tour bus."

It's coolthough, man.

though, man.

Weekend, man,out partying.

People out drinkinga little bit.

Yeah, got one in 'foreyou came in here!

I love it, man.

I-I'm kinda likeretiring as a drinker.

I can see it, man.

I'm in my 30s nowand young people like,

"Why, drink brother."

I can't, dude 'causemy hangovers now...

are like labor day theygo on into Tuesday.

I can't.

And I-I had likea bad introduction

into drinkingas it is.

You know what I'msaying, 'cause like,

when I was 14 years old,my boys got me in a room

and they gave me,uh, Bacardi 151.

- Whoo!

- Do not whoo that.

I-I didn't even knowwhat the 151 stood for.

I thought it waslike Heinz 57 sauce

or Formula 409or some [deleted].

Turns out you havea 151 percent chance

of taking a swingat your dad, so...

Being adults.

And I tell you this onereason I love performing

in New York is just 'cause ofthe diversity of the crowds.

It's like everybody.

It's like you'reconstantly walking around

in a Black EyePeas videos.

It's like-like, black people,Asians, beige people.

It's just great.

That weird Indiandude in the group.

But I tell you this andI am talking to everybody

in the room exceptfor young white guys

'cause I'm gonna getto you all in a second.

But I'm gonnatell you this...

if you're a man ofcolor I know weekends,

Friday, Saturday nightyou go get your boys,

get your crew ofboys and go drinking.

You have to incorporate ayoung 18 to 21 white dude

in yourdrinking crew.

And I'm gonnatell you why.

It's because that age whiteboy is the only species

on this planet that is stillexcited about drinking.

Which you needthat enthusiasm.

'Cause you know, like, youknow we walk into a party

like, "all right, here'sthe Heineken, whatever."

A young white dude willwalk into a house party

with a 12-pack ofPabst Blue Ribbon,

like-like he justcut the head off

a wolf attackinga little girl.

He's like,"look at this!

All right, geton your knees."

You're like, "Ah,where's the funnel?"

[cheering and applause]

And I will give youguys a quick story

of how I realized I had toget at least one white dude

in my crew when Igo out drinking.

I did a comedyfestival in Miami

and the festivalwrapped up

and the wrap partywas in the downstairs

of a Miami hotel,very posh hotel.

And the whole theme, and I hopeI can do this for you guys,

the whole theme of thebottom stairs of the hotel

was just mirrors.

It's Miami, I guess theywant you to do coke,

I don't know.

It's just, it'smirrors everywhere.

So, I hope you all canpicture this, my boy,

who's a comedian,wont' say his name,

got up to go to the bathroomand upon coming back,

if you all canvisualize this.

If this wall here...is a mirror,

he seeing all ofyour faces... here.

So, instead of comingout and making a right

to join the party...

[audience laughter]

my homeboy made thehardest left into a wall.

He hit it so hard, hethought he was bumped into

somebody dressedjust like him.

So, so... so in order to notstart a fight he backed up,

high fived himself,and walked away.

And that's allthat happened.

[applause]

I was like, "Whereare the white boys?"

Where are they?

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