Gabriel Iglesias: I'm Not Fat... I'm Fluffy

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 10/12/2009

Gabriel Iglesias explores a previously unknown level of fatness, reflects on his experiences as a parent and reminisces about his early days as a comedian.

INTO A HOTEL IN CHICAGO AT

1:00 IN THE MORNING, BECAUSE

I MISSED MY FLIGHT.

NOBODY'S AT THE FRONT DESK,

JUST A LITTLE BELL AND A SIGN

THAT SAID, "RING FOR SERVICE."

SO THERE I AM.

CHING.

CHING, CHING.

CHING.

CHING, CHING, CHING, CHING,

CHING, CHING, CHING, CHING.

CHING.

CHING.

CHING-CHING.

CHING, CHING, CHING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HEARD THIS.

"I HEAR THE BELL."

[laughter]

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THIS LADY CAME

OUT JUST...

[exhales]

"ARE YOU THE ONE RINGING

THAT DAMN BELL?

WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT?"

"UM, I'M CHECKING IN."

"YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

IT'S TOMORROW."

"I KNOW; I MISSED MY FLIGHT."

"MM-HMM, WHATEVER YOU SAY."

[exhales]

"WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?"

"GIRL, YOU GOT TO SEE THIS.

I GOT A BIG-ASS MEXICAN SHOWING

UP LATE AS HELL.

OKAY.

[making typing noises]

WHAT'S YOU'RE NAME?"

"MY NAME IS GABRIEL IGLESIAS."

"IGLESIAS."

"YES, IGLESIAS."

"OKAY, EE-GLESIAS, OKAY.

E-G-L--"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S IGLESIAS WITH AN 'I.'"

"WITH AN 'I'?

BUT YOU SAY 'EE-GLASIAS.'

YOU DIDN'T SAY, 'I-GLASIAS.'

YOU SAY, 'EE-GLASIAS.'"

"IT'S IGLESIAS WITH AN 'I.'"

"MM-HMM, WHATEVER YOU SAY.

IT'S YOUR DAMN NAME, OKAY,

MR. IGLESIAS WITH AN 'I'?"

[exhales]

"YOU KNOW, THAT'S BAD FOR YOU."

"OH, THIS RIGHT HERE?

MY GRANDMAMA LIVED TO BE 100

YEARS OLD."

"SMOKING?"

"MINDING HER OWN DAMN BUSINESS,

OKAY?

MR. IGLESIAS WITH AN 'I'?

HE GOT EVENWITH ME, THOUGH.

HE TOTALLY GOTEVEN WITH ME.

I WALKED IN THE KITCHEN ONEMORNING.

HE'S SITTING THERE, AND HE LOOKSAT ME, AND HE GOES, "GABRIEL,

I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.

WHAT'S A HOOKER?""WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"WHAT'S A HOOKER?""WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?"

"I WAS WATCHING HBO, AND THEREWAS A COMMERCIAL FOR A SHOW

CALLED HOOKERS AT THE POINT.

IT SAID, "THIS SATURDAY AT 11:30CHECK OUT ALL THE HOOKERS.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?""THAT MEANS WE'RE GOING OUT

SATURDAY."

"WHAT'S A HOOKER?""LET IT GO, DUDE."

"TELL ME."

"YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW."

"TELL ME."

"FRANKIE, THAT'S FOR ADULTS."

"YOU SAID I WAS AN ADULT."

"I SAID YOU EAT LIKE AN ADULT.

[laughter]AND WHAT YOU DO IN THE BATHROOM,

YOU ARE GROWN UP; TRUST ME.

BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOWWHAT A HOOKER IS."

HE THROWS A FIT IN THE KITCHEN.

"HOOKER, HOOKER, HOOKER,HOOKER."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?""HOOKER."

HE WON'T STOP.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

SO I SNAPPED.

"QUIT IT!"AND HE STOPPED.

AND APPARENTLY, HIS MOM HEARDTHAT.

MM-HMM, AND AS SOON AS I YELLED,OH, MY GOD, HE WENT FROM BEING

MY SON TO MY GIRLFRIEND'S LITTLECUB ONCE AGAIN.

AND HERE SHE COMES FROM THEOTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE,

MAMA LION TO PROTECT HER LITTLE,YOU KNOW,

♪ HA ♪ YA HEY NAY

♪ BABA MEE BABA MA [roaring]

I COULD SEE HER COMING.

[screams][roaring]

"WHY ARE YOU YELLINGAT MY BABY?"

"OH, MY GOD.

HE WANTS TO KNOW WHATA HOOKER IS."

"AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE YELLING?"TEARS, RIGHT?

"YOU SAID IF HE HAD ANYQUESTIONS, HE COULD COME

TO YOU."

"I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA ASKME THAT."

"YOU SAID, 'DON'T WORRY, BABY.

I'M THE MAN.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.'

TELL HIM."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?""TELL HIM NOW."

[sighs]"FRANKIE, YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT A HOOKER IS?""YEAH."

"THOSE ARE YOUR MOM'S FRIENDS."

[laughter]

WE'RE GOING BACKAND FORTH, RIGHT?

WE WAKE UP FRANKIE.

AND FRANKIE WALKS INTO THEKITCHEN AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND HE'S ALL, "WHAT'S GOING ON,YOU GUYS?

[yawns][laughter]

WHERE DID ALL THE CAKECOME FROM?"

"THE PEOPLE AT THE SHOWBROUGHT IT."

"TELL 'EM I SAID THANK YOU."

"I'LL TELL THEM YOU SAID THANKYOU, FRANKIE."

"GABRIEL, HOW COME THEY BRINGYOU CAKE?"

"'CAUSE TEN YEARS AGO, I DIDA JOKE WHERE I SAID, 'I LOVE

CHOCOLATE CAKE.'NOW PEOPLE BRING ME CAKE."

"YOU SHOULD SAY YOU LOVETRANSFORMERS."

"I'LL START DOING IT,ALL RIGHT?"

SO MY GIRL'S LIKE, "BABY,PUT FRANKIE TO BED."

I GO, "FRANKIE, YOU GOT TO GOBACK TO SLEEP."

"[groans]""WANT SOME CAKE?"

"YEAH."

SO I GRAB ONE OF THESE TINYCAKES THAT SOMEBODY BROUGHT ME,

ONE OF THOSE LITTLE TINY ONESTHAT HAS THE PLASTIC COVER

AND THE STICKER ON THE SIDE,AND I HANDED IT TO HIM.

I GO, "HERE."

HE GOES, "A LITTLE PIECE?"I GO, "DUDE, IT'S A SMALL CAKE,

YOU COULD HAVE THE WHOLE THING."

AND THE LOOK THAT CAME OVER HISFACE AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING

WAS LIKE HE GOT A GIFT FROM GOD.

AND I SAID, "HERE."

AND HE WAS LIKE--[intoning reverently]

[laughter and applause]"TAKE IT TO YOUR ROOM."

[intoning reverently]I WENT TO GO TAKE HIM TO SCHOOL

THE NEXT MORNING.

HE'S IN THE BATHROOM CRYING.

[cries][banging noise]

"HEY, ARE YOU OKAY?""UGH, MY STOMACH!"

"YOUR STOMACH?

TOO MUCH CAKE?""YEAH."

"WAS IT GOOD?""HELL YEAH."

MY MOM KNOCKED OUT AT 10:00AND RIGHT AROUND 11:45...

[female voice] "THE FOLLOWINGPROGRAM HAS NOT BEEN RATED

BY THE MOTION PICTUREASSOCIATION OF AMERICA.

DUE TO ITS GRAPHIC SEXUALCONTENT, VIEWER DISCRETION

IS ADVISED."

[screams]I WAS TEN YEARS OLD.

I LOST MY MIND.

I'M SITTING ON THAT COUCH.

ALL OF A SUDDEN...

[sultry music]♪

"ARE YOU READY?""UH-HUH, OH, YEAH."

[little boy voice] "YEAH!""OH, YEAH."

[little boy voice] "YEAH!""ARE YOU READY?"

"I'M DONE."

[laughter and applause]AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S CRAZY IS,

I KNOW IT'S HAPPENING AT MYHOUSE NOW, 'CAUSE ONE NIGHT,

I HEARD, "YEAH!"[laughs]

"WHAT'S HE DOING?""BECOMING A MAN."

AND I WAS CURIOUS.

I'M LIKE, "I WONDER WHAT HE'SWATCHING."

SO I STARTED FLIPPING THROUGHMY CHANNELS TRYING TO FIND

SOMETHING THAT WOULD "SPARK"INTEREST.

SURE ENOUGH, HE'S WATCHINGCINEMAX.

UH-HUH.

AND I KNOW THAT'S WHATHE'S WATCHING.

THAT GUY'S CLAPPING.

"HELL YEAH."

COCHINO.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I KNOW THAT'S WHAT HE'SWATCHING, BECAUSE OUT OF MY TV,

I'M GETTING DIRECT SOUND, ANDTHEN I'M GETTING, LIKE, A LITTLE

DELAYED ECHO DOWN THE HALL.

YOU KNOW, SO IT'S LIKE--[groans]

[groans]"YEAH."

"YEAH."

[groans][groans]

[man voice] "YEAH."

[little boy voice] "YEAH."

[laughter]I SAW HIM THE NEXT MORNING.

I SAID, "WHAT WERE YOU DOINGLAST NIGHT?"

"I WAS PLAYING NINTENDO."

"YEAH, WHATEVER.

YOU WERE PLAYING "WEE!"

SO THE SHOW WENT GOOD.

IT WENT SO GOOD THAT THEY ASKEDME TO DO ANOTHER SHOW

IN CALIFORNIA IN SAN DIEGOFOR THE CALIFORNIA HIGHWAY

PATROL: BORDER DIVISION.

AND I TRIED TO MAKE UP AN EXCUSETHAT MY CAR WASN'T

WORKING RIGHT.

THEY SAID, "NO WORRIES.

WE UNDERSTAND."

THEY SENT A PATROL CARTO MY HOUSE WITH A FREAKIN'

UNIFORMED OFFICER.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."

BEST PART WAS, I DIDN'T TELL MYFAMILY HE WAS COMING.

OH, YEAH, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TOCREATE YOUR OWN ENTERTAINMENT.

IT WAS HYSTERICAL.

5:00 ROLLED AROUND.

I'M LIKE, "HE SHOULD BE HEREANY MINUTE."

SURE ENOUGH...

[doorbell noise]"FRANKIE!

FRANKIE, CAN YOU GET THE DOOR,PLEASE?"

"OKAY, GABRIEL."

SO HE GOES TO THE DOOR,COMES BACK, AND HE'S GOT, LIKE,

YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE--[gasps]

"GABRIEL...

GABRIEL, THE POLICE ARE HERE."

"WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?""'CAUSE SOMETHING'S GONNA

HAPPEN."

WHEN HE SAID THAT, I'M LIKE,"OH, I GOT TO FREAKIN' LET HIM

HAVE IT NOW, RIGHT?"I SAID, "OH, MY GOD, FRANKIE,

THEY FOUND ME."

"WHO DO YOU MEAN, GABRIEL?""I GOT TO GO, FRANKIE.

I GOT TO GO.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOMFOR ME, OKAY?

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU."

"NO!""I GOT GO TO, FRANKIE."

AND I SAW THE OFFICER.

I SAID, "PRETEND YOU'REARRESTING ME.

I WANT TO FREAK OUT MY KID."

"NO PROBLEM.

TURN AROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDSBEHIND YOUR BACK."

"I CAN'T REACH.

JUST HOLD MY HAND.

WALK ME TO THE CAR.

JUST WALK ME TO THE CAR.

COME ON, JUST WALK METO THE CAR.

HE DOESN'T KNOWTHE DIFFERENCE, DUDE.

JUST WALK ME TO THE FREAKIN'CAR, COME ON."

I GET TO THE COP CAR.

HE THROWS ME IN THE BACK SEAT,RIGHT, AND SLAMS THE DOOR.

AND I ASK HIM, "IS IT OKAY IF IYELL OUT THE WINDOW TO FREAK OUT

MY KID?""YOU WANT YOU USE THE

MICROPHONE?""YEAH!"

FREAKIN'--[loud beep]

"HERE YOU GO, SIR."

AND HE HANDS ME THE MICROPHONE,AND I SAID, "FRANKIE, THIS IS

THE POLICE.

WE HAVE YOUR FATHER.

WE'RE COMING BACK FOR YOUIN ONE HOUR.

DO YOUR HOMEWORK."

[loud beep][car engine noise]

ONE MINUTE LATER, MY GIRLFRIENDCALLS ME.

"YOU'RE AN ASS!""WHAT'S HE DOING?"

"HE'S DOING HIS HOMEWORK."

"THAT'S CALLED PARENTING, BABY."

EL PASO.

A LOT HAS CHANGED.

ONE THING'S FOR SURE.

I'M STILL THE FLUFFY GUY.

[crowd cheering]

AND I SAY, "FLUFFY", 'CAUSE THAT

IS THE POLITICALLY CORRECT TERM.

FOR OF THOSE WHO DON'T REMEMBER,

I USED TO SAY THAT THERE WERE

FIVE LEVELS OF FATNESS.

REASON WHY I SAY, "USED TO SAY,"

IS BECAUSE NOW THERE ARE SIX.

UH-HUH, I MET THE NEW ONE

IN LAS CRUCES.

[laughter]

UH-HUH, THE ORIGINAL FIVE LEVELS

ARE BIG, HEALTHY, HUSKY, FLUFFY,

AND "DAMN!"

PEOPLE ASK, "WHAT COULD BE

BIGGER THAN 'DAMN'"?

THE NEW LEVEL'S CALLED

"OH, HELL NO!"

[laughter and applause]

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

YOU'RE STILL WILLING TO WORK

WITH LEVEL FIVE.

EXAMPLE: IF YOU'RE ON AN

ELEVATOR AND YOU'RE WITH YOUR

FRIEND AND THIS REALLY BIG GUY

GETS ON AND YOU AND YOUR FRIEND

LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND YOU'RE

LIKE, "DEE-AMN,"

BUT YOU STILL LET THE BIG GUY

RIDE YOUR ELEVATOR,

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.

LEVEL SIX YOU SEE WALKING

TOWARDS YOUR ELEVATOR.

[deep beastly groan]

OH, HELL NO.

[deep beastly groan]

NO!

[inquisitive groan]

NO!

NO!

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.

THE GUY THAT I MET WAS 6'8",

614 POUNDS.

MM-HMM.

OH, HELL NO!

AND HE WAS OFFENDED AT MY SHOW,

NOT BY ANYTHING THAT I SAID,

BUT BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT NOW

AT THE SHOWS I STARTED SELLING

T-SHIRTS, AND APPARENTLY,

I DIDN'T HAVE HIS SIZE.

KEEP IN MIND, I GO ALL THE WAY

UP TO 5X ON THE T-SHIRTS.

AND HE WAS LIKE...

[gruffly] "YOU DON'T HAVE MY

SIZE."

I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, I DIDN'T KNOW

THEY MADE YOU.

-I wind up doing a show inHollywood at a comedy club,

and I'm working with myidol, with Paul Rodriguez.

Soon as the show wasover, we go-- you know,

we're walking out the door.

And he walks up tome, and he says--

(AS RODRIGUEZ) You know,I like the whole Fluffy

everything you do.

It's catchy.

Sounds cute.

Keep eating.

(AS HIMSELF) We walkoutside, and my car

is parked there first,because I showed up late.

So, you know, my car's rightthere, and Paul walks by.

(AS RODRIGUEZ) Allright, take it easy.

(AS HIMSELF) He walksright in front of my car.

And my friend goes--

(AS FRIEND) Dude,show him your car.

Show him Nickelodeon.

(AS HIMSELF) And Icouldn't help, you know?

Freakin'--

[imitates chirp and whirring]

(AS RODRIGUEZ) Hey!

Hijo de la chi-- what the hell?

What is this?

(AS HIMSELF) Paul!

Nickelodeon!

(AS RODRIGUEZ) Hombre, cabron.

Pinche Fluffy, yougave me a heart attack.

You take it easy.

(AS HIMSELF) Valetbrings his car around,

a brand new Porsche 911.

The car was nice.

You know, it pulls up.

[IMITATES ENGINE AND TIRE SCREECH]

Valet gives him the keys.

He turns around and looks at me.

(AS RODRIGUEZ) Hey!

Tu, Fluffy.

Check it out.

(AS HIMSELF) I'm like, whatever.

It's not Nickelodeon.

[imitates chirp]

The door pops open.

[imitates whirring and chirp]

Trunk.

[imitates whirring]

(AS RODRIGUEZ) I'mnot through yet.

[imitates chirp and engine]

[imitates revving]

[imitates "la cucaracha"]

[imitates chirp]

HBO.

-Trust me.

In my last special, I talk abouthow I had a Volkswagen Beetle.

It was a true story.

I really had a Beetle.

And I got rid of it becauseI got tired of the fat jokes.

When you're a fluffy guyand you have a little car

and all of your friendsare professional comedians,

oh, they'll make you cry.

Paul especially.

(AS RODRIGUEZ) Howthe hell did you

manage to squeezeinside of that?

No, hombre, I havenever seen a car expect

before when someonewas inside of it.

How do you get a stretchmark on the windshield?

That's what I want to know.

When you fart,does it go faster?

(AS HIMSELF) One afteranother after another.

I'm like, oh, my god.

And you know what it is?

It's karma, because10 years ago, I

did a joke aboutPaul Rodriguez on TV.

I used to be on a showon the Nickelodeon

network called "All That."

Some of you remember?

Yeah.

That was me a lot smaller.

I was only 2 X's.

I was a Dos Equis, yeah.

Anyway, as soon as theTV show season was over,

they gave all thecast members gifts.

They gave this one girl a TV.

This one kid a DVD collection.

Since I was the onlyone who had his own car,

they gave me a car alarmwith a remote start to it.

A lot of cars have those now,but think back ten years ago.

There was only afew that had the--

[imitates chirp]

[imitates engine]

[imitates chirp]

My friends went,where'd you get that?

I looked at 'em andI said, Nickelodeon!

(AS FRIEND) That's bad!

(AS HIMSELF) I go toshow it off to everybody.

I showed my mom.

I said, Mom, go to the car.

I got to use the bathroom.

I left you a present.

[gasps](AS MOM) Un present?

OK.

(AS HIMSELF) So shegoes to the car,

and I started thecar from the kitchen.

[imitates chirp]

[imitates engine]

(AS MOM) El diablo!

El diablo!

El diablo!

(AS HIMSELF) I hadto run outside.

Mom, it's not the devil.

Look it, look it, look, it.

[imitates chirp]

[imitates engine]

[imitates chirp]

Nickelodeon.

(AS MOM) Oh, my god, mijo.

Oh, my god, you scared me.

Me sacaste un pedo, mijo.

Oh, my god, mira.

Smell, smell it, smell it.

Smell.