CC Presents: Nick Swardson

  • 01/07/2001

WHOO!

YEAH!

HELLO, UNITED STATES!

ALL RIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

HUH?

OH, HURRAY.

MY NAME IS NICK.

I STAND UP AND DO COMEDY

AT THE SAME TIME.

UM, AND IT'S WEIRD THAT I AM A

COMIC 'CAUSE I'M NOT A VERY GOOD

STORYTELLER LIKE IN MY NORMAL

LIFE.

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I ALWAYS TELL LIKE

YOU-HAD-TO-BE-THERE STORIES

ALL THE TIME.

BUT I DON'T KNOW IT'S A BAD

STORY UNTIL I'M LIKE HALFWAY

THROUGH TELLING IT.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE TELLING A

BAD STORY, LIKE "YEAH, AND

THEN..."

AND IN YOUR HEAD YOU'RE LIKE

"THIS STORY'S BAD."

BUT YOU JUST KEEP TELLING IT.

LIKE I DO THAT ALL THE TIME.

SO THEN WHAT I TRY TO DO TO TRY

TO SAVE THE STORY IS, I LIKE,

I EMBELLISH IT AT THE END TO

MAKE IT A GOOD STORY.

BUT I DO IT TOO MUCH SO IT'S NOT

BELIEVABLE.

YOU KNOW?

I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE

SATURDAY.

YEAH.

ME AND STEVE ARE AT THE BAR.

WE WERE SO HAMMERED.

THIS GUY CAME UP, AND HE WAS

REALLY DRUNK.

AND HE WAS LIKE, 'HEY, DO YOU

KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOMS ARE?'

AND STEVE IS LIKE 'NO.'

HA, HA, HA.

HA, HA, HA.

AND SO-- SO THE GUY MADE THIS

FACE AT STEVE, THIS REALLY WEIRD

FACE.

SO STEVE (BLEEP) STABBED HIM."

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE LIKE "WHAT?

STEVE STABBED SOMEBODY?"

AND NOW YOU HAVE TO GO WITH IT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH.

I'VE KNOWN THAT GUY MY WHOLE

LIFE.

HE'S MESSED UP, MAN.

I'M SERIOUS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DRINK WITH

THAT GUY, MAN."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I HOPE I DON'T GET STABBED.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT.

THAT-- I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF

THAT.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE I DON'T CARE IF I GO

THROUGH LIFE AND I DON'T HELP A

LOT OF PEOPLE OR SAVE A MILLION

LIVES.

I JUST-- I JUST DON'T WANT TO

GET STABBED.

YOU KNOW?

IF I CAN GET THROUGH LIFE

WITHOUT GETTING STABBED, I WIN.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL.

YOU KNOW?

IT JUST SEEMS SO HORRIBLE.

IT'S NOT LIKE GETTING SHOT.

WHEN YOU GET SHOT, IT'S LIKE

YOU DON'T SEE THE BULLET GOING

IN.

YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE JUST LIKE "OH, HI."--

BANG!-- "OH, WHOA.

I JUST GOT SHOT."

YOU KNOW?

WHEN YOU GET STABBED,

YOU'RE THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?

WHOA!

OH!

OH!

OH!

OH, MY GOD!

I JUST GOT STABBED!

SOMEBODY JUST STABBED ME!

IT'S COMING BACK!

OH!

OH!"

IT'S LIKE "OH!"

NO THANK YOU TO THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I WANT TO AVOID THAT WHOLE

PROCESS.

DON'T EVEN HAND ME ANYTHING LIKE

THAT, LIKE "HERE'S YOUR DRINK."

"NO. KEEP THAT AWAY."

I'M NOT, LIKE, REALLY WORRIED

ABOUT DYING, THOUGH.

I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE TOUGH

LIKE...

(DEEP VOICE) "I'M NOT AFRAID TO

DIE."

BUT I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD

TO MY FUNERAL, WHICH SOUNDS KIND

OF WEIRD.

I JUST LIKE TO HAVE FUN,

YOU KNOW?

AND I'M GONNA HAVE FUN WITH MY

FUNERAL.

'CAUSE I THINK YOU SHOULD.

IT'S YOUR LAST PARTY ON EARTH.

I THINK YOU SHOULD, LIKE,

SPICE IT UP.

I HAVE A COUPLE OF THINGS I'M

GONNA DO.

THE FIRST THING I'M GONNA DO FOR

MY FUNERAL, I'M GONNA HAVE,

LIKE, A CHUNK OF MONEY AND SEND

IT OFF TO SOME RANDOM CELEBRITY

AND HAVE THEM SHOW UP AT MY

FUNERAL.

LIKE SAVE UP, LIKE, 5 GRAND JUST

FOR THIS.

HERE'S 5 GRAND.

MAIL IT OFF TO SOME CELEBRITY

LIKE-- LIKE JOHN STAMOS FROM

"FULL HOUSE."

(LAUGHTER)

JUST TOTALLY RANDOM.

UNCLE JESSIE.

DO YOU REMEMBER UNCLE JESSIE ON

"FULL HOUSE"?

HE'S LIKE, "HEY."

LIKE THE COOL GUY.

"HERE'S 5 GRAND.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO KEEP THE

MONEY, JUST FLY TO MY FUNERAL

AND SHOW UP.

CRY AND LEAVE.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO.

JUST SHOW UP, CRY.

THAT'S IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO

ANYBODY OR ANYTHING."

I JUST THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT

TO SEE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AT

THE FUNERAL.

"OH, MY GOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S DAD, MAN.

HE'S DEAD.

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT, MAN.

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT."

(LAUGHTER)

"HEY, IS THAT JOHN STAMOS?"

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?

DID NICK KNOW JOHN STAMOS?

OH, MY GOD.

HE'S REALLY CRYING.

WERE THEY BROTHERS?

WAS NICK'S LAST NAME STAMOS?"

AND THE OTHER THING I'M GONNA DO

AT MY FUNERAL IS I'M GONNA HAVE

A CLOSED CASKET, LIKE, IN THE

CHURCH.

AND IT'S GONNA BE CLOSED SO

PEOPLE WILL THINK THAT MY BODY

WILL BE IN THERE.

BUT IT WON'T BE.

(LAUGHTER)

MY BODY WILL COME DOWN ON WIRES.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'LL JUST COME DOWN.

JUST HANG DOWN.

AND IT'LL HIT THE LIGHTS OUT AND

HIT IT WITH THE STROBE LIGHT AND

THEN TECHNO MUSIC.

(IMITATING MUSIC)

JUST SWINGING OUT OVER MY

FAMILY.

I CAN JUST SEE MY MOM LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WHAT KIND OF STUFF WAS NICK

INVOLVED IN?

OH, MY GOD."

SO I DON'T DO ANY DRUGS.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T.

THERE'S NO REASON TO LAUGH AT

THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE...

I USED TO SMOKE POT.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

I'M NOT GONNA TRY TO DEFEND THIS

SHIRT.

I'VE SMOKED POT BEFORE.

AND I USED TO SMOKE POT ALL THE

TIME, AND THEN I QUIT.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY'S EVER

DONE THAT, BUT THAT'S LIKE

AMAZING.

LIKE I TOTALLY SMOKED FOR A

WHILE AND THEN I TOTALLY

STOPPED.

AND MY FRIENDS, THEY COULDN'T

BELIEVE IT.

THEY WERE LIKE, "WHAT?

YOU QUIT?

YOU'RE DONE?

WHAT ARE YOU-- REALLY?

THAT SUCKS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT SUCKS."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH. IT REALLY SUCKS

REMEMBERING WHERE I PUT STUFF

NOW."

(LAUGHTER)

THE WHOLE FIRST WEEK I THOUGHT

I WAS PSYCHIC, LIKE I THOUGHT

I HAD NEW POWERS ALL OF A

SUDDEN.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT WAS, LIKE, AMAZING.

I'D BE, LIKE, "WHERE ARE MY

KEYS?

OH, THEY'RE IN MY POCKET.

HOW DID I KNOW THAT?

OH, MY GOSH!"

♪ (HARMONICA MUSIC PLAYS)

JOB.

MY FIRST JOB I WORKED AT PLANET

HOLLYWOOD BACK IN MY HOME STATE

OF MINNESOTA.

YEE-WHO!

PLANET HOLLYWOOD-- I DON'T KNOW

IF YOU KNOW PLANET HOLLYWOOD.

IT'S LIKE A THEME RESTAURANT.

THEY HAVE PROPS FROM THE MOVIES,

LIKE, ON THE WALL.

BUT, LIKE, I WORKED AT THE ONE

IN MINNESOTA, SO WE GOT THE

LAME, STUPID PROPS.

WE'D LIKE PRETEND THEY WERE

COOL.

THAT WAS OUR JOB.

IT WAS SO PATHETIC.

WE'RE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT IS IT.

THAT'S THE CAR THEY DROVE IN

'CRITTERS.'

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

THAT'S IT, MAN.

THAT IS IT.

AND THAT'S WHAT THEY WORE IN

'COCOON.'

AND THERE'S COREY FELDMAN RIGHT

THERE.

HE'S KIND OF CHILLING RIGHT NOW.

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

BUT IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

I LIKE THIS JOB.

THIS JOB'S COOL.

BUT I THINK THE BEST JOB,

LIKE, IN THE HISTORY OF

THE UNITED STATES, I THINK

VANNA WHITE GOT THE BEST JOB

EVER.

(APPLAUSE)

IS THAT NOT THE BEST JOB?

IF I WERE A WOMAN, I WOULD WANT

THAT JOB SO BAD.

LIKE THAT'S HER JOB.

LIKE WHAT A COUNTRY.

THAT'S ALL SHE-- SHE JUST TURNS

LETTERS.

"I TURN LETTERS...BUT ONLY WHEN

THEY GLOW.

OKAY?

I'M NOT..."

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT WAS THE INTERVIEW LIKE TO

GET THAT JOB?

WHAT WAS THAT PROCESS?

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN VERY TOUGH.

THEY'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

LET'S START.

LET'S START THE INTERVIEW HERE.

VANNA WHITE.

IS THAT RIGHT?

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S START.

ALL RIGHT.

ALPHABET?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU ARE?

OKAY.

WOW.

(LAUGHTER)

IF SOMETHING WERE GLOWING,

COULD YOU TELL?"

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU COULD?

WELL, THAT WRAPS IT UP.

WOW.

WELCOME ABOARD.

THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE."

(APPLAUSE)

BUT SOME PEOPLE JUST DO WEIRD

THINGS WITH THEIR LIVES.

I WAS WATCHING THE DISCOVERY

CHANNEL, AND THEY DID A SPECIAL

ON JANE GOODALL.

SHE'S THE WOMAN WHO STUDIED APES

IN THE MOUNTAINS.

FOR SIX YEARS SHE LEFT AND WENT

AND STUDIED APES AND THEN JUST

CAME HOME.

WENT FOR SIX YEARS, AND THEN

JUST CAME HOME.

AND IT'S LIKE WHAT A WEIRD THING

TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE.

SHE JUST WENT AND STUDIED THEM,

LIKE HOW THEY ACT AND HOW THEY

EAT AND HOW THEY FUNCTION.

IT'S LIKE-- AND THEN JUST LEFT,

WENT FOR SIX YEARS AND LEFT.

AN APE COULDN'T DO THAT TO US.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I WAS THINKING

ABOUT IT.

LIKE AN APE COULDN'T WALK INTO

YOUR HOUSE AND JUST STUDY YOU

FOR SIX YEARS LIKE IN THE

CORNER, LIKE, EVERYTHING YOU DO,

WRITING IT DOWN, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE HOW YOU WALK, HOW YOU ACT.

EVERY DAY YOU'RE LIKE, "IS THE

APE STILL HERE?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I THINK SO."

THE APE'S IN THE CORNER LIKE...

LIKE, MOCKING YOU, WATCHING HOW

YOU TALK AND EVERYTHING,

APPROACHING EVERY ONCE IN A

WHILE LIKE...

"HEY.

WHAT'S UP?"

AND JUST, LIKE, BACK INTO THE

CORNER.

YOU'RE LIKE "WHAT THE HELL WAS

THAT?"

BUT, LIKE, LIVING WITH APES FOR

SIX YEARS.

SHE LIVED WITH APES.

LIKE THAT'S INSANE.

I MEAN, LIKE, I WONDER IF IT

RUBBED OFF ON HER AT ALL.

IT HAD TO OF; RIGHT?

SHE HAD TO HAVE PICKED UP APE

TRAITS-- RIGHT?--

(LAUGHTER)

OVER SIX YEARS.

DO YOU THINK SHE EVER LET IT

SLIP OUT ON ACCIDENT?

SHE'S, LIKE, ARGUING A PARKING

TICKET.

SHE'S LIKE, "NO, SERIOUSLY.

I'LL MOVE IT RIGHT NOW.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITE IT.

I'LL MOVE IT.

I'M SORRY.

I LITERALLY RAN IN FOR TWO

SECONDS.

I'LL MOVE THE CAR.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITE THE

TICKET.

I'M SAYING I'LL MOVE IT NOW.

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.

I'LL MOVE IT.

I'LL MOVE IT.

YOU'RE-- WHY ARE YOU STILL

WRITING?

I'LL MOVE IT RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE NOT-- YOU'RE NOT

LISTENING.

(BLOWING RASPBERRIES)

(SHRIEKS)

(APPLAUSE)

"I'M SORRY.

I LIVE WITH APES.

(APPLAUSE)

I'M SORRY."

TODAY.

HE'S SIX, SIX YEARS OLD.

HE'S INTO POKEMON.

OH, MY GOSH.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY HAS KIDS

INTO POKEMON.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE CRACK

TO KIDS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SO LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD!

OH!"

LIKE WHENEVER A KID'S GET A NEW

TOY, THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

I GOT TO FIND IT.

WHERE IS IT?

WHERE'S MY TOY?"

AND HE, LIKE, HAS TO TELL ME.

HE BRINGS ME INTO HIS POKEMON

WORLD.

YOU KNOW, LIKE KIDS WILL CORNER

YOU AND JUST LIKE TALK YOUR EAR

OFF.

HE'S ALWAYS EXPLAINING TO ME

LIKE ALL THE CHARACTERS.

HE'LL CORNER ME AND BE LIKE...

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "UNCLE

NICK.

THERE IS THIS ONE CHARACTER, AND

HE DOES THIS AND HE LOOKS LIKE

THIS, AND THERE'S ANOTHER ONE

AND HE LOOKS LIKE THIS AND HIS

NAME IS THIS.

AND HE HAS THIS.

THERE'S ANOTHER ONE AND HE DOES

THIS.

AND HIS NAME IS THIS.

AND THERE IS ANOTHER ONE...

(BABBLING)

AND I'M JUST LIKE, "YEAH.

YEAH."

SO WHAT I DO WHEN HE'S DONE IS I

BRING HIM INTO THE BATHROOM AND

SHOW HIM THE LOTIONS AND

VITAMINS AND SOAPS AND HAIR

PRODUCTS, AND I EXPLAIN EACH ONE

AND WHAT THEY DO.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I GO, "YOU SEE HOW THAT

FEELS?

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S KIND OF WHAT THAT'S LIKE

WHEN YOU DO THAT.

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

I'M JUST SAYING YOU CAN--

I MEAN, I LOVE YOU.

I'M JUST SAYING IT'S JUST A

LITTLE TEDIOUS."

BUT MY OTHER COUSIN'S 12, AND HE

JUST GOT A VIDEO GAME SYSTEM

WHICH IS REALLY, LIKE,

INCREDIBLE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN

VIDEO GAMES LATELY, BUT THEY'RE

INSANE.

THEY'RE SO MUCH DIFFERENT FROM,

LIKE, THE GAMES THAT I GREW UP

PLAYING.

YOU KNOW?

HE'S GOT THIS VIDEO SYSTEM.

AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY REAL,

LIKE, THE GAMES NOW.

THEY'RE REALLY REALISTIC, AND

THEY'RE ALL LIKE FIGHTING GAMES,

AND THEY'RE ALL LIKE 3-D.

AND THERE'S LIKE BLOOD AND LIKE,

"WHOA.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY."

I'M, LIKE, I'M WATCHING THEM.

HOW MUCH MORE REAL CAN IT GET?

YOU KNOW?

LIKE WHAT IS THE FUTURE OF VIDEO

GAMES?

YOU GONNA GO TO YOUR FRIEND'S

HOUSE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP,

MAN?

YOU WANT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES?"

"YEAH.

LET'S..."

(LAUGHTER)

"GOOD GAME, MAN.

GOOD GAME."

(APPLAUSE)

"HERE'S A QUARTER.

THANKS, MAN.

YOU'RE REALLY GOOD.

YOU'RE GETTING REALLY GOOD.

THANKS."

BUT IT'S LIKE THE KIDS NOW,

THEY'RE GONNA GROW UP WITHOUT,

LIKE, PACMAN.

I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT.

THAT'S WEIRD.

THEY WON'T HAVE IT AT ALL.

LOOK AT THOSE LARGE GAMES.

THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

AND THE WORST PART ABOUT IT IS

WE'LL BE EXPLAINING IT AND

LOOKING LIKE FREAKS.

(LAUGHTER)

WE'LL BE EXPLAINING OUR VIDEO

GAMES.

THEY'LL BE PLAYING SOME NEW

FUTURISTIC FIGHTING GAME.

WE'LL BE LIKE, "WELL, WHEN I WAS

YOUR AGE WE HAD A GAME WITH A

YELLOW CIRCLE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IT ATE DOTS AND FRUIT."

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

"AND THEN IT COULD BE CHASED BY

GHOSTS.

OH, MY!

OH!"

"THAT'S GREAT, GRANDPA."

"AND THERE WAS ANOTHER GAME WITH

A MONKEY.

AND HE THREW BARRELS AT YOU, AND

YOU HAD TO JUMP OVER OR THEY'D

HURT YOU."

"I GOT TO GO, GRANDPA."

"WAIT.

I DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT THE FROG

WHO TRIES TO CROSS THE STREET.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT GAME..."

YOU GO...

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

MY GRANDMA, SHE TURNED 90.

MY GRANDMA.

90.

THAT IS SO OLD.

THAT'S LIKE THE OLDEST THING

I'VE EVER HEARD.

AND SHE TOLD ME, LIKE-- I'M

LIKE, "GRANDMA, HOW OLD ARE

YOU?"

(SHAKING VOICE) "90."

AND, LIKE, I TRIED TO MAKE HER

FEEL BETTER.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE 80.

YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK 90.

I'M SERIOUS.

EASILY 80.

EASILY."

SHE'S AWESOME, THOUGH, MY

GRANDMOTHER.

SHE'S 80.

AND SHE'S-- PHYSICALLY SHE'S

REALLY WEAK, YOU KNOW?

SO IT'S, LIKE, COOL HANGING OUT

WITH HER 'CAUSE SO AM I.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN I HANG

OUT WITH HER, I FEEL STRONG.

IT'S GREAT.

HANG OUT WITH OLD PEOPLE,

YOU KNOW?

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "NICHOLAS,

NICHOLAS.

CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS GALLON

OF MILK?"

"DO YOU MEAN THIS GALLON RIGHT

HERE?"

"OH!"

(LAUGHTER)

(SQUEAKING VOICE) "NICHOLAS,

YOU'RE THE STRONGEST BOY IN THE

WORLD.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, MY LORD."

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

"GRANDMA, YOU LOOK TIRED.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN ON THIS

STOOL?"

(LAUGHTER)

"OH!

NICHOLAS.

YOU SHOULD FIGHT CRIME.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

(APPLAUSE)

THAT IN YOUR LIFE, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU FEEL

BETTER ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

THEY MAKE YOU APPRECIATE IT

MORE.

BECAUSE HER PROBLEMS ARE LIKE

5,000 TIMES WORSE THAN MY

PROBLEMS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE I ALWAYS GET COCKY AND

SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT.

SHE'LL CALL ME UP.

SHE'LL BE LIKE "NICHOLAS, IT'S

YOUR GRANDMOTHER."

LIKE I HAVE 90-YEAR-OLD FRIENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

"HEY, IT'S 90-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE'S LIKE, "HOW WAS YOUR DAY

TODAY?"

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY DAY,

GRANDMA?

MY DAY WAS HORRIBLE.

I HAD THE WORST DAY.

I WAKE UP.

I GO TO THE VIDEO STORE.

THIS GUY ALMOST HITS ME.

I GET THERE.

THE MOVIE I WANT IS GONE.

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE IT.

AND IT'S, LIKE, THE YANKEES

LOST.

AND IT'S GONNA RAIN.

IT WAS LIKE THE WORST DAY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"

"WELL, I-- I WOKE UP AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

AND MY HEART HURTS WHEN I

BREATHE.

AND ANOTHER ONE OF MY FRIENDS

DIED."

IT'S LIKE, WHAT DO I SAY TO

THAT, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, TOTALLY.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, THE YANKEES WERE AHEAD

AND THEN THEY LOST."

IT'S LIKE, NO, YOU GOT NOTHING

ON THAT.

YOU CAN'T TRY TO COMPETE WITH

GRANDMA'S PROBLEMS.

(LAUGHTER)

GRANDMA WINS, MAN.

BUT, LIKE, I-- I CAN'T WAIT TO

BE 90.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

IT'S ALL WHAT YOU DO WITH

THINGS.

THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS, IF I CAN

TIE IN A RUNNING THEME.

IT'S ALL HAVING FUN.

LIKE WHEN I'M 90, IT'S YOU KNOW,

I'M GONNA SHOPLIFT 24 HOURS A

DAY, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA DO IS

JUST STEAL (BLEEP).

YOU KNOW?

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA DO.

JUST STEAL.

NO ONE'S GONNA BUST YOU.

NO ONE'S GONNA BE LIKE, "WHOA.

DID YOU JUST TAKE THAT?"

"I'M OLD."

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

YEAH, THAT PERSON'S OLD.

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN IT."

LIKE YOU'RE MONEY WHEN YOU'RE

OLD.

AND I'M GONNA DRIVE FAST.

FORGET THAT.

WHO CARES?

I'M GONNA FLOOR IT.

WHY DON'T OLD PEOPLE DRIVE--

LIKE THEY ALWAYS DRIVE SO-- IT

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE IF YOU

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW?

WHENEVER I GET STUCK BEHIND 'EM,

I'M LIKE, "COME ON.

LET'S GO.

YOU'RE DYING.

(LAUGHTER)

TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

YOU'VE GOT TO MOVE.

YOU COULD GO AT ANY SECOND,

GRANDMA.

COME ON, STEP ON IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO RUN THOSE RED

LIGHTS."

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN I'M 90, I'M GONNA BE GOING

90.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GONNA BE FLOORING IT.

FORGET THAT.

YOU GET PULLED OVER, WHO CARES?

THE COP'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU

THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I AM DYING.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME!

NOW, LET ME GO.

I'VE GOT MORE STUFF TO STEAL...

(LAUGHTER)

DAGBURNIT."

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOU'VE GOT

ALL THAT MONEY SAVED UP.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST BUY A

SWEET CAR LIKE A CORVETTE OR

SOMETHING AND JUST FLOOR IT

EVERYWHERE, JUST RUNNING RED

LIGHTS.

AND THEN WHEN YOU DIE, IT'S LIKE

COOL.

YOU KNOW?

YOUR FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "HEY, I

HEARD YOUR GRANDMA PASSED AWAY.

WHAT HAPPENED?"

"SHE FLIPPED HER 'VET, MAN."

(LAUGHTER)

ONE THING I NOTICED HANGING OUT

WITH MY GRANDMA, THERE'S GONNA

BE NO DIGNITY LEFT IN OLD

PEOPLE, LIKE BY THE TIME MY

GENERATION GETS OLD.

IT'S WEIRD.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, OLD PEOPLE NOW

ARE SO SWEET AND NICE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I CAN'T SWEAR AT

MY GRANDMA.

YOU KNOW?

EVEN IF I'M LIKE "OH, THAT

SUCKS," MY MOM IS LIKE "SHH.

DON'T SAY THAT, NOT AROUND

GRANDMA.

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE SAY AROUND

GRANDMA.

THOSE ARE NOT WORDS WE USE

AROUND GRANDMA.

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE SAY.

YOU KNOW THAT."

BUT IT'S LIKE I SWEAR ALL THE

TIME.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW I'M GONNA

BE WHEN I'M OLD.

YOU KNOW, MY GRANDSON'S GONNA BE

LIKE "HEY, GRANDPA.

WE'RE GONNA GO TO THE ZOO.

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE ZOO?"

"OH, WHAT?

THE ZOO?

OH, (BLEEP) THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M NOT (BLEEP) GOING TO THE

ZOO.

WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?

(LAUGHTER)

THE ZOO?"

"MOM! GRANDPA SAID I WAS GAY!"

"DON'T TELL ON ME, BITCH.

(LAUGHTER)

STUPID.

WHERE'S MY DR. DRE CD?"

(LAUGHTER)

HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY DRE CD?"

THAT'S ANOTHER THING.

LIKE OLD PEOPLE ARE GONNA LISTEN

TO RAP IN THE FUTURE.

LIKE HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

THEY ARE.

THAT'S-- YOU KNOW, LIKE, YOU

LISTEN TO THE MUSIC THAT YOU HAD

WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP.

IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE MY

GRANDMA NOW.

SHE IS ALWAYS LIKE, "I'M GONNA

PLAY SOME MUSIC FOR EVERYONE.

LET'S HEAR SOME MUSIC.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO..."

(SCAT SINGING ALONG)

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I'M GONNA BE, LIKE, "ALL

RIGHT.

LET'S HEAR SOME MUSIC.

HERE WE GO, EVERYBODY.

HOW DOES THIS SOUND?

(MIMICKING RAP MUSIC)

♪ BITCH, HO.

"I LOVE THAT SONG.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS A HO."

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS.

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY AWESOME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE

BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

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