Tough Crowd Stands Up with Colin Quinn

  • Season 1, Ep 0101
  • 12/08/2002

WELL FOLKS, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THANK YOU, AND GET IT OUT NOW'CAUSE I AM THE BIGGEST NAME

ON THIS SHOW, UNLESS YOU...

[LAUGHTER]BUT, UH, I AM GLAD YOU CAME TO

THE "TOUGH CROWD" SPECIALBECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLEBACK HERE.

FIRST OF ALL--TOUGH CROWD--

THE BEAUTY OF IT IS, IS THATEVERYBODY JUST SAYS WHATEVER

THEY WANT ABOUT ANYONE'S RACE,ETHNICITY AND THERE'S--

RELIGION AND LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING, YOU KNOW, YOU NEED

THAT TODAY.

FIRST OF ALL--EVEN MY OWN RELIGION, I LIKE,

YOU KNOW, CATHOLICISM--AND IT IS A FINE RELIGION BUT--

[CHEERS]WELL, AND THAT, WELL, YOU KNOW,

IT'S HARD--ALRIGHT, EVEN MY OWN RELIGION,

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU,WE HAD A COUPLE A GAY PRIESTS

GROWING UP, I'M NOT GONNA LIE,THERE IS ALWAYS THE ONE THAT YOU

HAD TO WATCH OUT FOR, YOU KNOW.

WE HAD THIS ONE GUY, HE HELPEDME PICK OUT MY CONFIRMATION NAME

AND I FIND OUT YEARS LATERTHAT THERE'S NO SAINT NAMED

MISS SAIGON, YOU KNOW,BUT YOU WERE A KID.

FOLKS, YOU DON'T KNOWEVERYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW ALL THE SAINTS NOW.

CAN YOU NAME THEM?

YOU DO.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE ETHNIC HUMOR.

YOU KNOW.

AND I GREW UP IN BROOKLYNAND IT'S ALL ABOUT PEOPLE--

JUST INSULT EACH OTHER,PEOPLE WOULD MAKE FUN OF

EACH OTHER'S RACES.

THAT'S THE WAY IT WENT.

MY FAMILY IS HALF BLACKAND HALF WHITE.

MY SISTERS MARRIED TO A GUYFROM ST. LUCIA AND SHE'S GOT

FOUR KIDS.

MY BROTHER IS MARRIED TO A GIRLFROM TRINIDAD, THEY JUST HAD

A BABY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE...

THAT'S HOW WE PICKED OURLIFE PARTNERS IN MY FAMILY,

BY STOPS ON THE CARNIVAL CRUISELINES.

THAT'S HOW WE DO IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]OUR FAMILY'S PICTURES LOOK LIKE

THE LINE AT THE DEPARTMENT OFMOTOR VEHICLES.

YOU SEE THE FAMILY'S PORTRAITS.

YOU KNOW AND LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING THERE'S ALWAYS RACIAL

TENSION AND PEOPLE DON'T LIKETO TALK ABOUT IT.

COPS AND BLACKS, ALWAYS RACIALTENSION BETWEEN COPS AND BLACKS.

AND IT'S IRONIC BECAUSEIN TODAY'S SOCIETY COPS ALL TALK

LIKE BLACK KIDS AND BLACK KIDSALL TALK LIKE COPS BECAUSE

THEY'RE IN THE SAMENEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU SEE ANY COP, THEY PULL A KIDOVER AND SAY "YO-HO-HO, MY MAN,

COME HERE FOR A SECOND.

YO, NOBODY'S SWEATING YOU.

NOBODY'S TRYING TO SWEAT YOU,COME HERE."

YEAH, THEY ALWAYS GIVE A LITTLENICKNAME.

"HEY, TUPAC, COME HERE FORA SECOND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

[LAUGHTER]YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH, YOU'RE REPRESENTINGAND HE'S PERPETRATING OR

HOW DO YOU WORK IT?

WHILE HE PERPETRATES THEN YOUREPRESENT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HERE?

BEEN PIMPING, HUH?

ALRIGHT."

AND ALL THE BLACK KIDS,THEY TALK LIKE COPS.

YOU KNOW ANY TIME THERE'S A COPINCIDENT, THEY'RE ON THE

SIDELINES GIVING THE WHOLELOWDOWN.

"NO THAT'S A 4-15.

HE AIN'T GONNA TAKE THEM IN FORTHAT.

NAW, THEY GOTTA LET THEM GO.

NAW, THAT'S THE LIEUTENANT.

HE DON'T GET OUTTA THE CAR,HE GONNA MAKE THE SERGEANT GO."

[LAUGHTER]"YO, BLUE, WHY DO YOU HAVE

TO CUFF HIM SO TIGHT, BLUE?"UM, WHAT ELSE RACIAL?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON THE TRAINAND AT THE NEXT STOP, HIP-HOP

HIGH SCHOOL GETS ON?

THAT'S A COMFORTABLE MOMENT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]HOLY GOD.

ONE MINUTE I'M SITTING THERE,ME AND THAT LADY ARE IN A JAY Z

VIDEO, YOU KNOW, 400 KIDS--LIKE 400 KIDS IN DO-RAGS

THROWING SNOWCAPS AT EACH OTHER,YOU KNOW, SITTING THERE LIKE

A LIZARD ON A ROCK.

HOLY MOTHER...

[LAUGHTER]

SHOW, YOU KNOW.

MY BUDDY TELLS ME THE BEST WAY

TO LOSE WEIGHT, DON'T EAT AFTER

SEVEN O'CLOCK.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD IF YOU GO

TO BED AFTER JEOPARDY.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IF YOU KEEP THE HOURS OF A

CRACK WHORE LIKE I DO, YOU KNOW?

I'M NOT GOING TO BED UNTIL

4 A.M.

I DON'T THINK THAT POP TART

AT 4 P.M. IS GONNA TIDE ME OVER.

BY MIDNIGHT I'M CHASING MY CAT

WITH A KNIFE AND A BOTTLE OF

STEAK SAUCE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO...

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

THEY TALKED ME INTO TRYING THAT

ALL PROTEIN DIET, YOU KNOW.

THEY DIDN'T TELL ME IT TAKES THE

SAME EFFORT TO MOVE YOUR BOWELS

AS IT DOES A THREE-BEDROOM

APARTMENT, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

MY COLON WAS BLOCKED UP

FOR WEEKS; IT LOOKED LIKE THE

HOLLAND TUNNEL ON A LONG WEEKEND

AT 5 O'CLOCK AND I WAS LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT,

DO WHAT I DO, GET FOOD POISONING

TWICE A YEAR.

I GOT THE-- SERIOUSLY.

I GOT FOOD POISONING A MONTH

AGO.

STAY AWAY FROM THE TUNA FISH

AT LAGUARDIA AIRPORT.

I ATE LIKE THREE OF THESE

SANDWICHES AND THEN I REALIZED

THEY MADE THEM TO CELEBRATE THE

OPENING OF LAGUARDIA IN 1946.

I'M LIKE, HEY, THESE ARE

DELICIOUS.

ABOUT TWO HOURS LATER I THOUGHT

I WAS MISS-CARRYING SATAN'S

CHILD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

I'M SITTING THERE WATCHING TV...

[CHURNING NOISES]

THERE'S A PITCHFORK STICKING OUT

OF MY ASS, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I'M SWEATING LIKE A CATHOLIC

PRIEST AT A LITTLE LEAGUE GAME

AND I'M THINKING...

Audience: OH!

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

ONE GOOD THING ABOUT FOOD

POISONING, YOU LOOK LIKE

YOU'RE IN SHAPE FOR THE NEXT

THREE DAYS, RIGHT?

YOU'RE ALL DEHYDRATED...

HEY, I'M RIPPED, I'M ALL CUT UP,

YOU KNOW.

FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "NICK,

YOU BEEN GOING TO THE GYM?"

"NO, I'VE BEEN GOING TO TERMINAL

D AT CONTINENTAL."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WOULDN'T APPLAUD THAT BECAUSE

I DATED HER FOR NINE YEARS.

THAT'S LIKE APPLAUDING FOR A GUY

WITH HIS FIRST MAJOR LEAGUE

HOME RUN IN HIS 33rd SEASON,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S ABOUT TIME JACKASS,

YOU KNOW.

MY BUDDY DATED HIS GIRLFRIEND

FOR 14 YEARS BEFORE HE MARRIED

HER.

I GO "THAT'S A LONG TIME."

HE GOES "HEY, YOU DON'T BUY

A CAR WITHOUT TEST DRIVING IT".

"YEAH, YOU DON'T PUT A 100,000

MILES ON THE TEST CAR EITHER,

YOU KNOW.

LAST THING YOU WANT IS HER

HAVING ENGINE PROBLEMS ON YOUR

WEDDING NIGHT, YOU KNOW.

HEY, SHE WON'T TURN OVER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAYBE SHE'S FLOODED SHE HAD

14 MARGARITAS, YOU KNOW.

I'M CATHOLIC SO I HAD TO GO TO

PRE-KANA CLASS BEFORE I GOT

MARRIED.

THAT'S WHEN I HAD TO GO TO A

CATHOLIC PRIEST AND HE'S GOING

TO TELL ME HOW TO LIVE WITH A

WOMAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

ANYONE SEE THE IRONY IN THAT?

IT'S NOT LIKE I AM MARRYING A

12 YEAR-OLD FILIPINO BOY.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE WHEN IS THE LAST TIME

YOU WERE ON A DATE FATHER?

AND THROWING A WIG ON

AN ALTER BOY DOESN'T COUNT.

YEAH, I KNOW, THAT'S EDGY;

I'M THE ONE (BLEEP) THE KIDS

NOT HIM.

YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

YOU'RE REALLY (BLEEP) UP.

YOU GUYS ARE A NICE CROWD

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HEARD

A CELL PHONE YET.

I JUST BOUGHT MY FIRST CELL

PHONE.

I WAS THE LAST GUY IN THE

COUNTRY TO FALL FOR THIS SCAM.

I HAD BETTER RECEPTION ON MY

CB RADIO I MADE OUT OF WOOD

IN HIGH SCHOOL IN 1978.

I'M TALKING TO MY BUDDY

YESTERDAY AND IT'S LIKE...

[MAKES STATIC NOISE]

I'M LIKE "YOU'RE STILL

IN EUROPE" AND HE SAID,

"NO, I'M IN YOUR (BLEEP)

DRIVEWAY".

[LAUGHTER]

I'M PAYING MY PHONE COMPANY A

HUNDRED BUCKS A MONTH TO GIVE ME

BRAIN CANCER, YOU KNOW.

"WHAT LISTING PLEASE?"

"SLOAN-KETTERING HOSPITAL,

I GOT A LUMP ON MY NUT THE SIZE

OF FUDGEY THE WHALE...

[LAUGHTER]

I'D LIKE TO CHANGE MY PLAN

PLEASE?"

"WHAT PLAN DO YOU WANT?"

"HOW ABOUT THE FRIENDS AND

FAMILY WITH MATCHING BONE

MARROW?

DO YOU HAVE THAT PLAN?"

[LAUGHTER]

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THESE PHONES DON'T EVEN RING

ANYMORE; THEY PLAY LIKE THE

NATIONAL ANTHEM, YOU KNOW?

I'M ON THE BUS YESTERDAY

AND THIS GUYS PHONE RANG LIKE

THREE TIMES, HALF OF US STOOD UP

FOR OUR GOLD MEDALS, YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M SAYING?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU ARE IN A CAR

AND YOU'RE AT A RED LIGHT AND

SOMEBODY'S CROSSING THE STREET

ON A CELL PHONE.

AND THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN AND

YOU BEEP AND THEY IGNORE YOU

LIKE THEY DON'T HEAR YOU.

AND YOU BEEP AGAIN AND THEY

IGNORE YOU, AND THEN YOU GUN IT

AND RUN THEM OVER.

AND STICK THEM UNDER THE BACK

TIRE AND THEN YOU GO, CAN YOU

HEAR ME NOW?

[LAUGHTER]

WELL IT'S GREAT TO BE HEREIN NEW YORK CITY, HUH?

CAN IT BE ANY HOTTERAND MUGGIER?

EVERYBODY IS WALKING AROUNDHALF-NAKED.

YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO STARE.

THAT CLEAVAGE IS, YOU KNOW WHAT,I'M SORRY, I AM GETTING TOO OLD

TO WALK AROUND THE STREETS AND--I MEAN, YOU JUST--

YOU CANNOT STARE AT THECLEAVAGE.

AND TODAY IT WAS RAINING WHICH,YOU KNOW, EVEN WORSE.

THERE'S JUST CLEAVAGEEVERYWHERE.

YOU CANNOT LOOK AT IT.

AND I LOVE HOW THE WOMEN ARESHOCKED WHEN THE GUYS ARE

STARING.

LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT,WHAT IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]THIS FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME

"YEAH, I DRESS THIS WAY TOATTRACT THE GUYS, BUT I WANT TO

ATTRACT THE RIGHT GUY, I DON'TWANT TO ATTRACT EVERY SLOB

ON THE STREET.

[LAUGHTER]THAT'S HOW CLEAVAGE WORKS.

IT'S NOT A SMART BOMB; IT'S NOTA LASER-GUIDED WEAPON.

HELL, YOU MIGHT HIT YOUR TARGETBUT THERE'S ALSO GONNA BE A LOT

OF COLLATERAL DAMAGE,THAT'S JUST THEY WAY IT GOES.

YOU MIGHT HIT THE GUY IN THEPORSCHE, YOUR ALSO GONNA HIT

THE GUY WITH ONE TOOTH DRIVINGBY IN THE BUS AND YOU GOT TO

ACCEPT IT.

YOU SHOULD JUST BE HAPPY YOUHAVE THAT KIND OF POWER OVER MEN

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO HAVETHAT OF POWER OVER WOMEN.

I CAN'T WALK AROUND WITHMY BALLS PRESSED TOGETHER,

YOU KNOW, WHAT'S UP GIRL?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]WAS I SPEEDING OFFICER?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]AH, WELL.

WASN'T THERE SUPPOSED TO BE

PEACE AND PROSPERITY AT THE END

OF THE COLD WAR?

ALL THE SUDDEN REALLY IT IS THE

MOST DANGEROUS TIME IN HISTORY.

THERE'S ALL THESE DISEASES,

EVERYBODY'S GOT NUCLEAR WEAPONS,

EVERYBODY HATES US.

EVERYBODY'S GOT NUCLEAR WEAPONS,

INDIA, PAKISTAN, NORTH KOREA.

INDIA AND PAKISTAN HAVE NUCLEAR

WEAPONS.

HOW'D THEY GET NUCLEAR WEAPONS?

THOSE ARE DIRT-POOR COUNTRIES.

THEIR ARMIES DON'T EVEN HAVE

MATCHING UNIFORMS FOR

CHRIST'S SAKE.

WHEN THEY GO TO WAR THEY HAVE

TO CALL EACH OTHER UP,

[INDIAN ACCENT] "WELL, SOMETHING

TOUGH LOOKING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NORTH KOREA OF COURSE...

NORTH KOREA, THAT'S A DANGEROUS

PLACE.

PEOPLE SAY, HEY, WHY DON'T WE

INVADE NORTH KOREA?

WE ATTACKED IRAQ, WHY DON'T WE

GO INTO NORTH KOREA?

ISN'T IT HYPOCRITICAL?

WE SHOULD ATTACK NORTH KOREA.

WHY DON'T WE DO IT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY, FOLKS.

FIRST OF ALL, 'CAUSE THE NORTH

KOREANS PROBABLY KNOW KARATE,

ALRIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T JUST JUMP INTO

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE

TO ENROLL THE ENTIRE 10th

MOUNTED DIVISION IN KARATE CLASS

IN EVERY CRAPPY STRIP MALL IN

EVERY CRAPPY TOWN IN NEW JERSEY?

WE WOULD HAVE TO FLY MR. MIIAGI

INTO THE 82nd AIRBORNE AND TEACH

HIM HOW TO WAX ON AND WAX OFF

AND ALL THE FANCY MOVES AND

UH...

[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES]

TERRORISM, YOU KNOW,

THE TERRORISM IS OBVIOUSLY ON

EVERYONE'S MIND.

THE OTHER DAY MY SON SAYS TO ME

"DADDY, HOW COME THE BAD MEN

HATE US?

HOW COME THE BAD MEN HATE US?"

HOW SAD IS THAT?

I ACTUALLY GOT TEARS IN MY EYES

'CAUSE HE'S 18.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT KIND OF A MORON AM I

RAISING?

I SAID "I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY

HATE US, DUMMY, WHY DON'T YOU

READ THE PAPER AND FORM YOUR OWN

OPINIONS."

HE'S NOT GONNA READ THE PAPER.

AMERICANS WE DON'T READ THE

PAPER.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN

OTHER COUNTRIES.

I WAS TALKING TO THIS ARAB GUY

THE OTHER DAY AND HE SAID,

WHY DO THE AMERICANS ALWAYS

SUPPORT THE ISRAELIS?

HE SAID IT IS PROBABLY BECAUSE

IN AMERICA ALL THE JEWS HAVE THE

MONEY AND THEY CONTROL THE

MEDIA.

WHICH IS RIDICULOUS AND PARANOID

AND REALLY ONLY PART OF IT.

AMERICANS DON'T REALLY

UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON

BETWEEN THE ISRAELIS AND

PALESTINIANS, SO BASICALLY

AMERICANS SUPPORT THE ISRAELIS

FOR ONE REASON BECAUSE THE

ISRAELIS NEVER DO THIS

[INDIAN CHANTING NOISES].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S REALLY IT.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S NOT THE MOST

SOPHISTICATED WORLD VIEW

BUT THAT PRETTY MUCH IT.

AND THE AVERAGE AMERICANS LIKE

"MAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING

ON OVER THERE BUT I KNOW I DON'T

LIKE THAT.

I KNOW THAT.

I'M GOING WITH THE TEAM THAT

DON'T DO THAT.

THAT I DON'T LIKE."

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE I'M NOT CHANGING GEARS

TOO ABRUPTLY HERE BUT I HATE

PEOPLE WHO EAT WITH CHOPSTICKS.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T MEAN, UH, ASIAN PEOPLE.

I MEAN OTHER PEOPLE WHO LEARN

TO EAT WITH CHOPSTICKS LATER IN

LIFE BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS GO TO

LIKE, UH, ASIAN RESTAURANTS

AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE SUCH

A SMUG SELF-SATISFIED LOOK

ON THEIR FACE AS THEY DO IT.

OH, I'LL JUST BE USING

THE CHOPSTICKS.

IT'LL BE JUST CHOPSTICKS FOR ME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE TRAVELED EXTENSIVELY

THROUGHOUT ASIA.

I'M VERY FAMILIAR WITH YOUR

WAYS; I'LL BE JUST GOING WITH

THE CHOPSTICKS.

I'LL TAKE THE LIBERTY OF

ORDERING FOR OUR PARTY.

WE'LL TAKE THE HOYCHINGCHOW.

I'VE VERY SOPHISTICATED,

I'M A WORLD TRAVELER, I BELIEVE

I MENTIONED THAT EARLIER.

DO YOU THINK THERE IS

AN AMERICAN RESTAURANT SOMEWHERE

IN BEIJING WHERE THE LOCALS GET

TO PAT THEMSELVES ON THE BACK

FOR EATING WITH SILVERWARE?

[ASIAN ACCENT] I'LL GO WITH

THE FORK...

[LAUGHTER]

I'M A REAL WORLD TRAVELER.

[APPLAUSE]

SPEAKING OF IRRITATING

PRETENTIOUS PEOPLE, THAT SHOW

QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY

HAS BEEN GETTING A LOT OF

RATINGS.

PEOPLE LOVE THAT SHOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA

FOR A SHOW.

YOU GET FOUR GAY GUYS THAT

TRY AND MAKE A STRAIGHT GUY

GAYER.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA FOR A SHOW,

I LIKE IT.

WE USED TO JUST CALL THAT

BOY SCOUT CAMP BUT NOW THEY HAVE

A WHOLE SHOW.

IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

AND GAY MARRIAGE, OF COURSE, GAY

MARRIAGE IS ALWAYS INTERESTING.

HOW CAN ANYONE CARE ABOUT

GAY MARRIAGE?

WHO CARES IF GAY GUYS

GET MARRIED OR NOT?

I THINK ALL GAY GUYS SHOULD GET

MARRIED.

I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE TO GET

MARRIED.

I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE TO

ADOPT KIDS 'CAUSE ACTUALLY

I'M GETTING TIRED OF THEIR

HAPPY-GO-LUCKY LIFESTYLE.

REALLY, I'VE HAD IT.

I'VE HAD IT WITH THEM BEING ALL

HAPPY AND IN SHAPE AND

EVERYTHING ELSE.

YOU KNOW, I CAN LOOK GOOD IN

DENIM SHORT-SHORTS AND COMBAT

BOOTS, TOO, IF I HAD ALL DAY

TO DO LEG PRESSES AT THE GYM,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

AND, MAN, IT'S BRUTAL.

IT'S SO HARD TO RAISE KIDS,

IT'S SO MUCH HARDER THAN I EVEN

THOUGHT.

AND I WAS TELLING SOMEONE HOW

HARD IT IS AND THE GUY TOLD ME,

YEAH, I KNOW.

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS BUT I HAVE

DOGS AND I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS

WITH DOGS, A LOT OF

RESPONSIBILITY.

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT TO COMPARE

THEIR DOGS TO HAVING KIDS.

THAT'S INSULTING.

FIRST OF ALL, NOBODY HAS A DOG

BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO DRUNK

TO PULL OUT.

ALRIGHT, THAT'S THE FIRST THING.

[LAUGHTER AND GROANING]

IT'S JUST A FACT.

YOU KNOW.

NOBODY'S HAVING A THREE-DAY

FIGHT WITH THEIR WIFE ABOUT

WHETHER OR NOT TO CIRCUMCISE

THE DOG 'CAUSE THAT'S A BIG

DECISION NOW.

YOU GOT TO DECIDE TO GET THEM

CIRCUMCISED.

EVEN BEFORE THE KIDS ARE BORN

YOU HAVE TO MAKE THESE

DECISIONS, YOU KNOW?

IF IT'S A BOY, DO WE GET HIM

CIRCUMCISED?

IF IT IS A GIRL DO WE KEEP HER?

IT'S A HARD DECISION TO MAKE.

[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]

YOU GOT TO DECIDE THESE THINGS.

AND A DOCTOR WAS TELLING ME THAT

A LOT OF PEOPLE AREN'T GETTING

THEIR KIDS CIRCUMCISED.

A LOT OF PEOPLE AREN'T DOING IT.

HOW MANY PEOPLE AREN'T DOING IT?

I'M NOT LOOKING AT BEING A

TRENDSETTER WHEN IT COMES TO MY

KID'S PENIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T WANT MY KID TO BE THE

ONLY ONE IN THE LOCKER ROOM WITH

A SCHLONG THAT LOOKS LIKE IT IS

ABOUT TO ROB A BANK.

I'M NOT LOOKING TO MAKE ANY

STATEMENTS.

[APPLAUSE]

AND THEN, UH...

YOU GOT TO BREAST FEED...

THAT'S A BIG THING.

YOU GOT TO BREAST-FEED.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT THE ONE

BREAST-FEEDING, THEN YOU LOSE

ALL POWER IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP.

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE WELL,

I'M EARTH MOTHER, I SUSTAIN LIFE

WITH JUST MY NATURAL BODY.

I'M A GODDESS.

I DID ALL THE BREAST-FEEDING.

OF COURSE YOU DID ALL THE

BREAST-FEEDING, YOU HAVE ALL THE

BREASTS.

OF COURSE YOU HAVE...

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

AND THEY TELL YOU TO DO IT

FOREVER NOW.

IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE TO

BREAST FEED FOR LIKE YEARS.

EVERY DAY THERE IS A NEW STUDY

IN THE PAPER ON THE MAGICAL

POWERS OF BREAST-FEEDING.

IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE MAGICAL

POWERS IN THOSE BREASTS,

IT'S LIKE, HEY, IF YOU NURSED

FOR FIVE YEARS, THAT KID WOULD

LEARN TO FLY, HE REALLY WILL,

STICK WITH IT.

AND THAT'S TOO LONG, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE AT THE BEGINNING MY WIFE

NURSED OUR SON UNTIL HE WAS

A LITTLE OVER A YEAR OLD

AND THAT'S TOO LONG.

AT THE BEGINNING IT'S CUTE.

THERE'S AN ADORABLE LITTLE BABY

THERE.

BUT BY ELEVEN, TWELVE MONTHS,

THERE'S A DUDE THERE NOW.

YOU KNOW?

THERE IS SOME LITTLE DUDE JUST

SLOBBERING ALL OVER MY WIFE'S

BREASTS IN MY OWN HOUSE AND

HE'S, YOU KNOW, LISTEN HE'S MY

SON AND I LOVE HIM MORE THAN

ANYTHING BUT IT GOT A LITTLE

AWKWARD BETWEEN US.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

IT GOT A LITTLE AWKWARD.

I'D WALK INTO THE ROOM,

WE'D LOCK EYES, HE'D BE LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT OUT OF THE VAGINA.

LET ME SAY ONE THING ABOUT

THE VAGINA, SERIOUSLY.

NO, THE FACT THAT THAT VAGINA

GETS SO ENORMOUS TO LET THAT

BABY OUT IS SUCH A MIRACLE

AND THEN IT NEVER GOES BACK

TO ITS ORIGINAL ELASTICITY.

IN FACT, I AM PEEING RIGHT NOW

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

BUT, WAIT, LET ME FINISH.

DID YOU JUST LOOK DOWN TO SEE IF

PEE WAS COMING OUT?

DID YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S GREAT, AS COLIN SAID IN

MY INTRO 'CAUSE I WANTED HIM TO,

AH, YEAH, I AM A LESBIAN AND I

ACTUALLY HAVE A PARTNER, SHARON.

AND SHARON AND I EACH HAD

A CHILD.

SHARON HAD OUR FIRST CHILD,

HENRY, HE'S 7 AND I ADOPTED HIM

AND I HAD BEN AND HE'S TWO,

AND SHE ADOPTED HIM.

AND IT'S GREAT 'CAUSE EVERYONE'S

ALWAYS "OH, MY GOD, YOU HAVE

TWO KIDS WHICH PREGNANCY WAS

HARDER?"

AND I'M LIKE "THE FIRST ONE WAS

A BREEZE.

I DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING,

DIDN'T GAIN ANY WEIGHT,

MY TITS DIDN'T...

BUT, UH...

WE USED AN ANONYMOUS SPERM

DONOR, WHICH I KNOW IS VERY

FASCINATING TO A LOT OF PEOPLE

SO PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING

TO GET INFORMATION OUT OF ME

BY ASKING ME THE STUPIDEST

QUESTIONS.

SO A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO I WAS

WITH THE BABY AND THIS WOMAN

COMES UP TO ME AND GOES

"OH, MY GOD, HE IS SO CUTE.

NOW WHO DO YOU THINK HE LOOKS

LIKE?"

I'M LIKE "YOUR HUSBAND, OKAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

ASS(BLEEP).

[CHEERS, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

BUT IT'S TOUGH, IT'S REALLY

TOUGH RAISING THE KIDS.

YOU KNOW, GREG WAS TALKING ABOUT

IT.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE CUTE AND THEN

THEY GET ANNOYING.

I CAN'T STAND IT.

HENRY, THE OLDER ONE, HE'S SEVEN

NOW.

HE'S SITTING ON THE COUCH THE

OTHER DAY, HE'S INTO THIS THING

WHERE HE IGNORES ME.

I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

SO HE'S SITTING ON THE COUCH AND

I'M LIKE "HENRY, HENRY, HENRY,

HENRY, HENRY, HENRY"-- NOTHING.

SO I FINALLY I YELL HIS NAME.

THEN HE GOES "CAN'T YOU SEE

I'M DOING SOMETHING?!

WHAT ARE YOU DEAF?!"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I SAID "FIRST OF ALL,

YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT,

AND SECOND OF ALL IT'S

'WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?'

OKAY?"

IDIOTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE YOU PEOPLE.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

THAT'S ATTRACTIVE.

BUT, UM...

NO, IT'S GREAT.

HENRY'S DEFINITELY STRAIGHT.

YOU CAN KIND OF TELL.

I REALIZE HE IS GOING TO TOTALLY

USE THIS WHOLE TWO-MOM THING TO

GET GIRLFRIENDS, I SWEAR TO GOD,

WHEN HE GETS OLDER.

"YOU KNOW, I REALLY UNDERSTAND

WOMEN.

I HAVE TWO MOMS.

CAN YOU DO ME RIGHT NOW?"

ALRIGHT, GREAT, THAT FEELS

GREAT.

I MEAN, REALLY, I KNOW WHAT YOU

ARE FEELING RIGHT NOW AND I--

BUT I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT, HE HAS

TWO JEWISH MOTHERS AND THAT

WOULD REALLY MAKE ME WANT TO

KILL MYSELF, BUT, I KNOW, SAD.

YEAH, MY MOTHER--

JEWISH MOTHER-- VERY SUPPORTIVE

OF MY RELATIONSHIP.

I CAN NEVER FORGET WHEN HENRY

WAS BORN, SHE DIDN'T KNOW HOW

TO EXPLAIN IT TO HER FRIENDS SO

SHE--

I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS IS WHAT SHE

USED TO SAY TO PEOPLE.

[THICK JEWISH ACCENT]

"UH, JUDITH'S ROOMMATE HAD A

BABY AND THAN JUDITH ADOPTED

HIM."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, MA, WE WERE SPLITTING

THE RENT SO I FIGURED, YOU KNOW,

I SHOULD PROBABLY PAY FOR HALF

OF THE KID.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

OUT OF HER MIND?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SHE LOVES THE KIDS THOUGH.

IT'S SO FUNNY.

WE GO TO HER HOUSE AND SHE DOES

NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE

KIDS.

SO I SWEAR TO GOD A COUPLE OF

WEEKS AGO WE GO TO HER HOUSE

AND WE WALK IN AND SHE'S SITTING

IN SOME ROOM DEPRESSED,

ANYWAY HENRY WALKS IN, HE'S LIKE

"HEY, GRANDMA".

BEN'S RUNNING AROUND CHASING HIM

AROUND, I'M CHASING AFTER HIM,

AND I HEAR HENRY AND MY MOTHER

HAVING A GREAT TIME AND I'M LIKE

"WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING?"

I WALK IN AND THEIR TAKING

EACH OTHER'S BLOOD PRESSURE,

OKAY, HOW PSYCHOTIC IS THAT,

THAT SHE THINKS THAT'S AN

ACTIVITY TO DO WITH YOUR

GRANDCHILD?

I MEAN SHE'S COMPLETELY OUT OF

HER MIND.

THOSE ARE THE JEWS.

YOU KNOW WHA

ABOUT?

I WAS REALLY THINKING ABOUT

WHO MUST HAVE THE MOST ANNOYING

JEWISH MOTHER--

AND JOSEPH LIEBERMAN--

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS,

RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

AND IS ORTHODOX JEW.

HIS MOTHER MUST BE SO OBNOXIOUS.

I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE--

AND FIRST OF ALL, HE IS GOING

TO BE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT,

CAMPAIGNING IN THE FALL WHICH IS

JEW SEASON, OKAY,

NO, SERIOUSLY WHEN DOES THIS GUY

PLAN ON WORKING?

I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HIS

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE DURING

THE LAST CAMPAIGN.

YOU'VE REACHED THE OFFICE OF

JOSEPH LIEBERMAN, OUR OFFICE

HOURS ARE MONDAY THROUGH

THURSDAY, 9:30 A.M. TO 6:30 P.M.

AND ON FRIDAYS WE ARE OPEN

SUNRISE TO SUNSET.

WE WILL BE CLOSED SEPTEMBER 29th

AND 30th FOR THE JEWISH FESTIVAL

OF ROSH HASHANAH AND WE WILL BE

CLOSED OCTOBER 6th THROUGH

OCTOBER 8th FOR YOM KIPPUR AND

CLOSED OCTOBER 16th THROUGH 21st

FOR SECODE AND CLOSED OCTOBER

29th THROUGH 30th FOR SIMCA...

JOSEPH WILL BE OUT OF THE OFFICE

ON NOVEMBER 3rd FOR HIS

DAUGHTER'S BATMITZOVAH.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING

AND SHALOM!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NICE CROWD.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO REALLY WORK

WITH ME TONIGHT.

I HAVE BEEN, UH, FIERCELY,

UH, DEPRESSED.

I HAD A THREE-YEAR RELATIONSHIP

END THIS WEEK.

Audience: OH!

Jim Norton: NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT,

MAN.

YOU, UH...

YOU EVER REGRET KILLING SOMEONE?

[LAUGHTER]

NAH, I WISH IT WERE THAT SIMPLE.

IT WAS A THREE-YEAR RELATIONSHIP

AND I STARTED TO HAVE ERECTION

DIFFICULTIES, AND, UH, WE HAD

DIFFERENT IDEAS AS TO WHAT THE

PROBLEM WAS.

SHE BOUGHT ME VIAGRA.

I BOUGHT HER A TREADMILL.

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS]

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, I THINK THAT'S FAIR.

I'M ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE.

I'LL EAT A PILL.

JUST GET ON THE MACHINE,

YOU MONSTROSITY.

AND I DO REALIZE THAT

"MONSTROSITY" IS NOT POLITICALLY

CORRECT.

IT'S "PLUS SIZE" PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT

"PLUS SIZE" MEANS,

HUMAN PLUS ELEPHANT EQUALS HER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FIRST TIME I EVER HEARD THAT

AWFUL EXPRESSION, I'M IN A BAR

AND I'M TALKING TO A GIRL AND

SHE'S REALLY SWEET, SHE'S LIKE

500 POUNDS AND I'M LIKE

"WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "I'M A

'PLUS SIZE' MODEL."

WHICH WAS KIND OF NICE 'CAUSE

THEN I COULD TELL ALL MY

FRIENDS, YEAH, I BANGED A MODEL,

YOU KNOW, JUST LEAVE OUT THE

PLUS SIZE PART.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE LIKE, "REALLY?

WHAT DOES SHE MODEL?

AH-UH-UH, DOME STADIUMS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND TO ANSWER YOUR NEXT

QUESTION, YES, I DO REALIZE THAT

I'M NOT A VISUAL TREAT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

ATTENTION, I'M JUST SICK OF

PEOPLE IN OUR COUNTRY LOOKING

FOR ATTENTION BUT DOING IT UNDER

THE GUISE OF SOCIAL OR POLITICAL

CONSCIOUSNESS.

LIKE THIS AWFUL MUSLIM WOMAN

IN FLORIDA WHO SUED THE STATE

'CAUSE SHE WANTED HER DRIVERS

LICENSE PHOTO TAKEN WITH THE

VEIL ON.

WHAT RATIONAL PART OF YOUR

PSYCHE TELLS YOU THAT THAT WOULD

BE AN ACCEPTABLE FORM OF

IDENTIFICATION?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

MISS, WE HAVE TO TAKE YOUR

PICTURE AND PUT ON THE LICENSE

SO IF THE POLICE PULL YOU OVER

THEY CAN IDENTIFY YOU.

OKAY.

AH, NO, THEY NEED TO IDENTIFY

YOU IN 2003 AMERICA, NOT AS A

STORM TROOPER IN

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK,

STUPID.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND OF COURSE HER PREDICTABLE

CLICHED RESPONSE...

WELL, I WANTED THINGS TO BE JUST

LIKE THEY ARE IN A TRADITIONAL

MUSLIM COUNTRY.

WHICH WOULD BE FINE, IF I COULD

BEAT HER ON A STREET CORNER WITH

A STICK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,

HAND OVER THAT CLITORIS YOU

WON'T BE USING THAT ANYTIME

SOON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND HERE'S THE KICKER,

SHE WASN'T RAISED IN YEMEN

OR SAUDI ARABIA, SHE WAS AN

AMERICAN WHITE LADY WHO

CONVERTED A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE YOU REMEMBER AFTER THE

'93 TRADE CENTER BOMBING,

IT WAS ALL THE RAVE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THIS MIDDLE-AGED FRAUDULENT

BITCH, SHE JUST WANTED

ATTENTION.

THAT'S ALL IT WAS ABOUT.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

SHE WANTED PEOPLE TO WALK UP

TO HER--

"HEY, WASN'T THAT YOU I READ

ABOUT IN THE NEWSPAPERS?"

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SURPRISED YOU RECOGNIZED ME.

ECK!

I BELIEVE IN MY RELIGION.

ECK!

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE BELIEVES IN

THAT RELIGION AND ONLY SHOWS

THE SLITS OF THEIR EYES?

THE KU KLUX KLAN.

[APPLAUSE]

BUT IF WANTED THESE RETARDS

WANTED THEIR LICENSE PHOTO TAKEN

WITH THE LITTLE HAT ON,

YOU'D LAUGH AT THEM.

WERE NOT TAKING YOUR PICTURE

LIKE THAT, YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE

A TAMPON, GET OUT OF HERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OBSESSION WE HAVE IN THIS

COUNTRY.

I AM SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT

YOUR ETHNICITY, I AM NOT

CONCERNED WITH IT, I'M NOT

IMPRESSED WITH IT.

"I HAVE A LOT OF ETHNIC PRIDE."

DO YOU REALLY?

DIE IN A FIRE, I DON'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UGH!

I HAVE NONE.

I'M IRISH.

I'M NOT SELF-HATING IRISH.

I DON'T DISLIKE OTHER IRISH

PEOPLE BUT I'M SORRY I DON'T

AUTOMATICALLY FEEL CONNECTED

TO SOMEONE JUST 'CAUSE THEIR

GRANDPARENTS ALSO HAD SEX IN A

FIELD DURING A POTATO FAMINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S IRRITATING.

WE'RE ALL JUST FRIGHTENED--

IT'S A LONELY, AWFUL WORLD.

WE'RE FLOATING AROUND LIKE

A BUNCH OF AMOEBAS LOOKING FOR

ANYTHING TO CONNECT TO AND

ETHNICITY IS JUST ONE MORE

THING.

OH, ARE YOU IRISH?

ME, TOO.

BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS IRISH?

COLIN FARRELL.

HE'S A MILLIONAIRE WHO BANGS

MODELS.

I HAVE TO FLY TO RIO TO PICK-UP

AFFORDABLE PROSTITUTES, WHAT

CONNECTION DO WE POSSIBLY HAVE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M NOT SAYING ALL ETHNIC

THINGS ARE AWFUL.

I LOVE THE PUERTO RICAN DAY

PARADE 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHERE

THEY ALL ARE.

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

I WAS ACTUALLY DOWN SOUTHRECENTLY

I SPENT SOME TIME IN DALLASAND I WENT TO DEALY PLAZA

WHERE JFK WAS SHOT--HAS ANYONE EVER BEEN TO

DEALY PLAZA?

[APPLAUSE]IT'S REALLY CHILLING 'CAUSE IT

LOOKS EXACTLY THE WAY IT LOOKEDIN THE ZUPRUDER FILM EXCEPT

FOR THE FACT THAT THE STEMMONSFREEWAY SIGN IS GONE AND THEY

HAVE PAINTED A WHITE X IN THEROAD WHERE KENNEDY GOT SHOT.

AT LEAST I HOPE THEY DID THATAFTER 'CAUSE IF THAT WAS THERE

THE DAY OF THE ASSASSINATION.

[LAUGHTER]YOU KNOW.

SOMEBODY REALLY DROPPED THEBALL.

LIKE "THE MOTORCADE IS COMING!"[SPRAYING NOISES]

[LAUGHTER]AND BECAUSE TRAFFIC IS VERY BUSY

ON DEALY PLAZA SO PEOPLE WILLACTUALLY DO THIS.

WHEN THERE'S A RED LIGHT,PEOPLE RUN OUT AND STAND ON THE

X AND GET THEIR PHOTOS TAKEN.

AND YOU STAND BY WATCHINGTHINKING "YOU MORBID TOURIST

GIZZ BUCKET"...

[LAUGHTER]YOU KNOW, UNTIL IT IS YOUR TURN

TO RUN OUT AND HAVE YOUR PHOTOTAKEN...

[LAUGHTER]THEN YOU CREATE SOME SORT OF,

YOU KNOW, LEGITIMATE REASON,"WELL, I'LL SHOW MY CHILDREN".

AND OF COURSE IT'S EMBARRASSING'CAUSE PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT YOU

SO YOU'RE TRYING TO LOOK LIKEYOU ARE HAVING A HISTORIC, LIKE,

REFLECTIVE MOMENT, YOU KNOW--MY GOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]BUT OF COURSE, MY STUPID FRIENDS

ARE THERE SO I HAVE TO STARTSCREWING OFF, YOU KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]I EVEN DID A LITTLE JACKIE...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]AND I ALMOST HAD THE GREATEST

MOMENT OF MY LIFE IN DEALY PLAZA'CAUSE I WALK OFF THE X, SOME

STUPID WOMAN RUNS OUT AND HERHUSBAND IS KIND OF FUMBLING WITH

THE CAMERA.

AND I GUESS SHE DIDN'T REALIZETHAT TRAFFIC IS STILL BUSY ON

DEALY PLAZA,SHE'S STANDING THERE AND A CAR

IS HEADED TOWARDS HER AND I GO...

"LET IT HAPPEN".

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING]AND HER STUPID HUSBAND OBVIOUSLY

HAD NO INSURANCE ON HER AND HE'SLIKE "HONEY" AND SHE GETS OUT OF

THE WAY BUT HOW GREAT WOULD THATHAVE BEEN?

TWO PEOPLE KILLED ON THAT X...

JOHN F. KENNEDY AND SOME DUMBBITCH FROM CONNECTICUT.

I REALLY HATE TO SEE IT GO, MAN.

I WAS REALLY HAPPY WATCHING

CHINESE PEOPLE WALKING AROUND

UH, NOT TRYING TO COUGH.

YOU, YOU KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I JUST LOVE WATCHING CHINESE

PEOPLE GETTING THE PRESSURE

APPLIED.

LOOKING AT THEM LIKE WAITING

FOR THEM TO COUGH.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WAS WORKING

WITH THEM YOU WERE LOOKING AT

THEM...

IF YOU COUGH...

[LAUGHTER]

IF THIS CHINESE DUDE COUGHS, I--

IT WAS JUST FANTASTIC 'CAUSE

EVERY OTHER DISEASE THEY BLAME

ON BLACK PEOPLE, I CAN'T GET

ENOUGH OF IT.

I'M WATCHING MONKEY POX ON TV

AND THEY WAS DOING--

SOME MAGICAL DISEASE--

WHITE PEOPLE ARE BREAKING OUT

WITH ALL THIS, AND UH...

AND SO I'M LOOKING AND THEIR

DOING THE REPORT AND THEY SHOW

A COMPOSITE SKETCH OF SOME RAT

FROM AFRICA WHICH MEANS HE'S

BLACK AND THEY DREW IT...

[LAUGHTER]

FIRST OF ALL, HOW DO YOU KNOW

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOME

BLACK RAT AND SOME RAT

FROM THE BRONX THAT'S THE PUERTO

RICAN HALF.

SO THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE DREW

A HAT BACKWARDS.

AND SO, THAT'S THE MONKEY POX

CULPRIT-- WATCH OUT FOR THE

DIRTY BLACK RAT AND THEN IT

ATTACKED, UH...

NOW WHITE PEOPLE DON'T REALLY

HAVE AN ANIMAL REPRESENTATIVE

OF THEMSELVES.

BUT IF YOU WAS TO THINK OF

A FEW, ONE WOULD BE A BALD EAGLE

AND THE OTHER WOULD BE A PRAIRIE

DOG AND THAT'S WHAT IT ATTACKED,

SO IT WAS ALMOST JUST LIKE A

NEWSCAST.

"BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A

(BLEEP).

HE...

HE BIT SOME POOR DEFENSELESS

PRAIRIE DOG JUST WATCHING THE

GAME AND STOLE HIS WALLET AND

BIT HIM IN THE SHOULDER AND GAVE

HIM..."

I'M WATCHING THIS BUG SHOW WITH

THE LOCUST MAN, YOU KNOW,

BLACK LOCUST FROM AFRICA.

WHOA!

WATCH OUT FOR THE BLACK LOCUST.

AFRICANIZED.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT,

AFRICANIZED!

BIG BLACK LOCUST.

WATCH OUT!

'CAUSE THEY EAT UP ALL THE CROPS

AND THEY DON'T TIP.

AND WATCH OUT!

WATCH OUT FOR THE LOCUST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU ALL KNOW ABOUT THE

MONKEY.

MONKEY GOT CHARGED UP WITH ALL

KINDS OF THE MONKEY.

AIDS.

EBOLA.

I'M NOT EVEN REALLY SCARED OF

AIDS ANYMORE, I MEAN, 'CAUSE HOW

CAN YOU WITH MAGIC?

YOU SEE MAGIC JOHNSON?

HE LOOKS FANTASTIC.

I CAN'T BE AFRAID, HE LOOKS

WONDERFUL.

HE'S HAD AIDS FOR FIFTEEN YEARS.

WHAT KIND OF AIDS HE GOT,

THE GOOD KIND?

I WANT...

HE'S BEEN OPENING MOVIE THEATERS

AND STARBUCKS FOR THE LAST

15 YEARS.

I WANT THAT KIND OF AIDS.

GIVE ME THAT.

MAKE ME A BETTER ENTREPRENEUR,

I NEED THAT.

PATRICE, YOU GOT AIDS.

GOOD, I WANNA OPEN A TRUCKING

COMPANY 'CAUSE...

THIS CROWD IS TOUGH HERE.

THE CHINESE PEOPLE DIDN'T LAUGH

AT THAT.

BUT THE BLACK AND CHINESE PEOPLE

ROLLED.

YOU ALL WAS LAUGHING AT THE

THING, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S YOUNG GIRLS FOR YOU.

YOUNG GIRLS DO THAT.

THE ONLY THING GOOD ABOUT YOUNG

GIRLS, YOU ALL, IS YOUNG GIRLS.

YOU ALL LOOK DELICIOUS,

YOU KNOW.

OTHER THAN THAT...

[SQUEAKY NOISES]

AND THEY GETTING BIGGER, TOO,

MAN, THESE YOUNG BROADS, MAN.

(BLEEP), YOU SEE EM?

I THINK IT'S SOMETHING THEY PUT

IN THE CHICKEN AND ALL THAT

STUFF, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY WALKING AROUND BIG.

I SAW THIS WOMAN WALKING DOWN

THE STREET AND I SAID "(BLEEP)

HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

SHE WAS LIKE "FOUR."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAID "YOU GOT SOME NICE

TITTIES FOR FOUR."

BLACK FOLKS.

LOOK AT THE WHITE PEOPLE LOOKING

AROUND, WHERE THEY AT?

WHERE THEY AT?

[LAUGHTER]

WHITE PEOPLE GO TO PLACES AND

LOOK FOR BLACK PEOPLE LIKE THEY

LOOK FOR FIRE EXITS.

OKAY, THERE'S TWO OVER THERE,

ONE IN THE CORNER...

WE CAN GET OUT, IT'S COOL,

WE CAN GET OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLING]

OH, MAN.

LOOK AT EVERYBODY HERE, COUPLED

OFF, EVERYBODY WITH THE COUPLES,

LADIES WITH ALL THAT CONFIDENCE

WHEN YOU GO ON A DATE.

ALL WOMEN HAVE CONFIDENCE

BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN

THEIR MINDSET IF THEY DO

SOMETHING WITH US SEXUALLY.

IT'S A TREAT FOR US.

A TREAT!

TRICK-OR-TREAT.

TRICK-OR-TREAT.

THIS GIRL HAD NERVE TO TELL ME

A FEW MONTHS BACK, "LOOK IF YOU

PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT,

YOU MAY GET LUCKY."

HOW YOU MEAN, 'I MAY GET LUCKY.'

WHAT I'M GONNA RUB YO TITTY

AND A GENIE GONNA POP OUT OF

YOUR ASS?

WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKING ABOUT?

[APPLAUSE]

BUT, FELLAS, I'M A TELL YOU WHAT

THE PROBLEM IS, WOMEN HAVE BEEN

TAUGHT SINCE CHILDHOOD THAT THEY

WERE SPECIAL DOWN THERE.

THAT'S RIGHT!

WE NEVER GOT THE PENIS PEP TALK.

BUT THEY DID.

THEY GOT THE VAGINA PEP TALK.

THEY PARENTS TOLD 'EM, WHEN THEY

WERE LITTLE GIRLS, THAT'S

SPECIAL, DON'T YOU LET NOBODY

TOUCH IT!

IT SPECIAL!

DON'T LET NOBODY TOUCH IT!

SPECIAL!

SOME DIRTY LITTLE BOY TRY TO

TOUCH YOU DOWN THERE, YOU SMACK

THE HELL OUT OF 'EM!

AND YOU TELL HIM, "NO, THIS IS

SPECIAL!"

[LAUGHTER]

HUH?

FELLAS, WE NEVER GOT THAT.

OUR PARENTS NEVER GOT US IN

THE LIVING ROOM, "SON, C'MON IN

HERE, PULL IT OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SEE THAT?

THAT'S SPECIAL.

DON'T YOU LET NOBODY TOUCH IT!

SOME LITTLE GIRL OR A PRIEST

TRY TO TOUCH YOU DOWN THERE...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

YOU TELL THEM, 'NO, THIS IS

SPECIAL.'"

AND IF WE BELIEVED THAT, FELLAS,

WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR

NOTHING ON FIRST DATES.

"GIRL, PAY YOUR OWN CHECK,

MINE'S JUST AS GOOD AS YOURS.

[LAUGHTER]

TH

THAT'S WHAT I TRY TO TEACH HIM,

HOW TO BE, HOW TO ROLL.

HIS NAME IS LITTLE KEITH

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

BIG KEITH, LITTLE KEITH,

THAT'S THE WAY IT IS!

THAT'S THE WAY IT IS!

DON'T LET YOUR WIFE, GIRLFRIEND

PIMP YOU INTO NAMING YOUR SON

SOMEBODY ELSE'S DAMN NAME.

MY SON'S MOM, SHE WANTED ME

TO NAME MY SON AFTER WHO SHE

FANTASIZES ABOUT HAVING A SON

WITH.

[LAUGHTER]

"WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD NAME

HIM DENZEL."

WHAT THE HELL?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DAMN!

YOU BETTER GO SLEEP WITH DENZEL

THEN.

THAT'S MY SON.

I DON'T DO HOMEWORK AND PUT

SOMEBODY ELSE'S NAME ON IT.

THAT'S BULL(BLEEP)!

TAKE YOUR TIME.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M ROUGH WITH MY SON,

I'M ROUGH WITH HIM, MOST MEN

ARE, MOST MEN ARE ROUGH WITH

THEIR SONS, 'CAUSE WE'RE STUPID!

'CAUSE WE THINK IF WE ROUGH WITH

THEM, THEY WON'T BE GAY.

THAT'S OUR MINDSET.

I USED TO JUST WALK IN OUT OF

NOWHERE AND JUST TACKLE MY SON.

[LAUGHTER]

"GAAAAARRRR!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GET UP!

HE'S LOOKING, "WHAT THE HELL IS

YOUR PROBLEM?"

YOU KNOW WHAT GOT ME ALL THAT

TOUGH GUY STUFF, MAN, MY SON WAS

5 YEARS-OLD, GOT HIM A LITTLE

BATMAN OUTFIT, FULL BATMAN

OUTFIT.

BOOTS, TIGHTS, BATMAN STUFF.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HE RUNNIN' AROUND THE HOUSE,

YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT LITTLE KIDS ARE CLUMSY,

HE ENDED UP RUNNING RIGHT INTO

A COFFEE TABLE.

OOH.

MY SON, HE STARTED CRYING,

TEARS IN HIS EYES, YA KNOW.

AND LIKE ANY GOOD DAD, I LAUGHED

AT HIS ASS, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE IT WAS SO FUNNY TO SEE

BATMAN CRY LIKE THAT.

"WHAT'S WRONG, BATMAN?

OH, THE CAPE CRUSADER CAN'T TAKE

A COFFEE TABLE?"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU GOTTA REALIZE THAT YOU CAN'T

LEAVE THEM BY THEMSELVES FOR

MORE THAN A MINUTE.

I WAS TELLING YA.

I LET MY SON WASH UP--

GO AHEAD, BOY, WASH UP.

THIRTY SECONDS LATER I HEAR,

"AH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!"

I'M LIKE "DAMN."

I OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR,

"WHAT'S GOING ON, BOY?"

"I PUT TOOTHPASTE ON MY PENIS."

I'M LIKE...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK DOWN

AND SEE THAT, RIGHT?

I'M LIKE, "BOY, WHY WOULD YOU DO

THAT?"

"I WANTED TO BE MINTY FRESH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT MADE SENSE TO ME, MAN.

I PUT SOME ON MINES LATER ON

THAT NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HUH.

I DID, MAN.

I TOLD HIS MOM TO COME BRUSH HER

TEETH.

[LAUGHTER AND OOH'S]

I'M LYING MAN.

SHE CAN'T STAND ME, MAN,

HATE MY DAMN GUTS.

HATE, MAN. HAD THE NERVE TO CALL

CHILD SUPPORT ON ME.

WE LIVE IN THE SAME DAMN HOUSE!

I HEAR HER AND THE WOMAN ON THE

PHONE, "WHERE'S HE LOCATED?"

"HIS ASS IN THE KITCHEN RIGHT

NOW, HE'S IN THE KITCHEN."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE GOT ME 'CAUSE I WAS CHEATIN'

A LITTLE BIT, MAN.

SHE WAS JUST JEALOUS THOUGH,

TOO, SHE WAS REAL JEALOUS.

YA KNOW HOW A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS

WOMAN JUST JEALOUS AS HELL.

I COULDN'T DO NOTHIN!

SHE USED TO WEIGH MY BALLS

BEFORE I LEFT THE HOUSE IT WAS

JUST...

[LAUGHTER]

"BABY, I'M GOING TO THE STORE."

"PUT 'EM ON THE SCALE!"

YOU RIGHT, YOU RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE YOU ALL LAUGHING.

THE LADIES ARE LIKE, WAIT A

MINUTE, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE

WAS TALKING ABOUT.

I BETTER WRITE THAT DOWN.

AND, LADIES, I'LL TELL YOU THIS,

MAN, IF YOU GOT AN ABUSIVE MAN,

LEAVE HIM.

IF HE'S ABUSIVE, LEAVE HIM!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, LEAVE HIS ASS!

YEAH!

LEAVE HIM!

BLACK WOMEN, THEY AIN'T BE

PLAYIN' AROUND, "OH, I WISH A

MAN WOULD PUT HIS DAMN HANDS ON

ME!"

WHAT HE DO?

WHAT HE DO?

BUT IF YOU GOT AN ABUSE--

JUST LEAVE HIS ASS.

WOMEN, YOU ALL GOT THAT SAME

EXCUSE.

"HE WASN'T LIKE THIS WHEN WE

FIRST MET."

WHO THE HELL IS?

WHO'S ACTUALLY LIKE THAT WHEN

YOU FIRST MEET HIM?

WHAT'S UP GIRL, MY NAME IS

KEITH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S HOW IT'S GONNA BE FROM

NOW ON I WANT YOU TO KNOW.

THANKS A LOT, FOLKS, Y'ALL

WHAT A WEIRD DAY TODAY.

I FELT CANADIAN TODAY.

I GUESS THE REASON WHY IS, AH,

BECAUSE LAST NIGHT A GOOD FRIEND

OF MINE GOT IN A FIGHT AND I

DIDN'T HELP HIM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY YOU GROANING, CANADA STINKS,

OKAY?

AND SO DOES FRANCE.

ANY FRENCH PEOPLE HERE?

FRANCE STINKS, OKAY?

THEY STINK.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THE FRENCH DIDN'T WANT TO HELP

US, OKAY?

I SAY WE GET EVEN WITH THEM,

WE CUT THE EAR OFF THE STATUE OF

LIBERTY AND MAIL IT TO THEM,

OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

SOME MORE BODY PARTS EVERY

FEW DAYS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I AM SO TIRED.

CAN YOU NOTICE?

CAN YOU TELL?

I DID NOT SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

AH, I HAD A MOUSE IN MY ROOM

LAST NIGHT, THIS BIG.

I COULD NOT GET OFF THE BED.

I WAS FROZEN.

THIS BIG.

[LAUGHTER]

I REACHED OVER, I GABBED

THE PHONE, I CALL THE 24-HOUR

RODENT PLACE.

I STARTED SCREAMING.

I GO "I GOT A MOUSE IN MY

HOUSE."

THEY GO, "WHO'S THIS,

DR. SEUSS?"

[LAUGHTER]

THE LADY SAID, "CALM DOWN,

THE MOUSE IS MORE SCARED OF YOU

THAN YOU ARE OF HIM."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?

I CAN'T GET OFF THE BED

AND HE'S IN THE KITCHEN MAKING

SANDWICHES, OKAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY BIGGEST FEAR IN THE WORLD

ARE RATS.

THEY'RE MY BIGGEST FEAR.

I HATE 'EM.

CAN YOU IMAGINE A RAT RUNNING UP

YOUR PANT LEG?

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

I HATE 'EM.

ALRIGHT?

AND I HATE PIT-BULLS.

I HATE 'EM.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN DOGS.

THEY'RE WEAPONS, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

I DREAD THE DAY I'M WALKING DOWN

THE STREET AND A PIT-BULL COMES

RUNNING AT ME WITH A RAT ON HIS

BACK.

GOING LIKE THAT.

THAT'S MY BIGGEST FEAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK HOW HOT THESE GIRLS ARE.

ARE YOU SINGLE?

ARE YOU REALLY?

I GOT A CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T MEET A GIRL.

I CANNOT MEET GIRL.

I WENT ON LIKE match.com TO MEET

A GIRL, ON A WEBSITE, I SWEAR

TO GOD.

AND I'M READING ALL THEIR

PROFILES, EVERYONE SAYS THEY

LIKE HIKING.

THEY ALL LIKE HIKING.

HOW COME WHENEVER I DATE A GIRL

I CAN'T GET HER TO GO TO THE

KITCHEN AND GET ME A DRINK,

OKAY.

BUT ON A DATE SHE WANTS TO CROSS

THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M THE KIND OF GUY THAT DATES

A GIRL RIGHT, AND I SEE HER LIKE

FIVE YEARS LATER AND SHE THANKS

ME FOR GETTING SOBER.

RIGHT, I WAS LIKE HER BOTTOM.

[LAUGHTER]

"OH, THANK YOU, SINCE YOU

I HAVEN'T CRIED DURING SEX

OR CUT MYSELF."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE MY DREAM GIRL FOR ME

IS A GIRL WITH ASTHMA.

I LIKE A GIRL WITH ASTHMA.

RIGHT AS SHE'S GOING SOUTH ON

YOU, "WHOOOO, WHOOO, WHOOO!"

"THAT'S RIGHT, BABY, TAKE IT

ALL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND HERE'S A LITTLE TIP, TOO,

LADIES, WHEN YOU'RE DOING THAT,

RIGHT, AFTER WE COMPLETE, STOP,

IT HURTS.

ALRIGHT?

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, ALRIGHT?

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH A

POPSICLE, YOU DON'T EAT THE

STICK, DO YOU?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T KISS ME EITHER,

BRUSH YOUR TEETH, WHAT'S WRONG

WITH YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

GET OUT OF THE CAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M DIVORCED, ANY DIVORCED FOLKS

HERE?

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

ONE GUY IN THE BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW OLD ARE YOU, YOU'RE LIKE

TWELVE?

HOW CAN YOU BE DIVORCED?

DIVORCE SUCKS.

LET ME TELL YOU, AFTER FIVE

YEARS OF MARRIAGE FOR ME IT IS

DEVASTATING TO HAVE THE PERSON

WITH THE GOOD CREDIT MOVE OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT, I REMEMBER THE DAY A MY

EX-WIFE TOLD ME SHE WAS LEAVING,

I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL AND SHE

WALKS IN AND SAYS, "WE GOTTA

TALK."

I'M LIKE, "AH, NO."

SHE SAID, "YOU'RE SELFISH,

SELF-CENTERED, SHOW NO

AFFECTION, YOU'RE NOT

RESPONSIBLE, I WANT A DIVORCE."

I WAS SO RELIEVED 'CAUSE I

THOUGHT SHE WANTED ME TO TURN

OFF THE GAME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AH, STOP, STOP, AH.

WHAT COUNTRY YOU FROM?

INDIA.

ARE YOU FROM INDIA, FOR REAL?

GET OUT A HERE.

YOU KNOW, I BOUGHT A PAIR OF

REAL SCREWED UP SANDALS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU LIVE HERE NOW, HUH?

IT'S GREAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO

WALK DOWN TO THE RIVER TO DO

YOUR LAUNDRY, AH.

[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]

OH, LOOSEN UP, PLEASE.

BIG BABIES.

YOU WANT POETRY GO TO SOHO.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I'M DIVORCED, I GOT KIDS.

MY 13 YEAR-OLD, SHE IS SO WISE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY GET IT

FROM, AH.

THE OTHER DAY I WAS TELLING MY

10 YEAR-OLD, I GO, "CLEAN YOUR

ROOM, CLEAN YOUR ROOM BEFORE I

TELL YOUR MOTHER."

MY 13 YEAR-OLD SAID, "YOU'RE THE

FATHER YOU DEAL WITH IT."

I GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR MOM."

SHE GOES, "NO, I'M NOT 'CAUSE

I CAN STILL TOLERATE YOU."

YOU GUYS ARE A LOT OF FUN,

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