Trip to Mars

  • Season 2, Ep 11
  • 11/12/2013

The rangers accidentally become complicit in a government conspiracy to fake a Mars landing, and Malloy leads a group of displaced Native Americans to conquer a mall.

- GET READYFOR MAGIC TIME, PEOPLE.

I'LL ACTUALLY BE GUIDINGTHE ASTRONAUTS

DOWN AS WE SPEAK.

- MISSION CONTROL,THIS IS APOLLO.

WE ARE GO FOR LANDINGIN FOUR...

THREE...

TWO...

ONE.

- EXTEND PODS.AND...

MAGIC!

- AND WE HAVE TOUCHDOWN.

- WE HAVE LANDED ON MARS.

[cheers]KURT THOREAU, EVERYONE.

- HOW IS STEVE MISSING THIS?

WHERE THE HELL IS HE?

- [screams]

GET AWAY FROM ME,

OCTOPUS MIME!

[upbeat polka music]

[screams]

[truck roars]

[grunting]

AGH!

AAH!

- I THINK YOU'LL LIKETHE FIRST WORDS

MAN WILL SAY ON MARS.

I COMPOSED THEM MYSELF.

- THAT WASONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN

AND ONE GIANT--SHIT!

- [screams]

[babbling nonsensically]

[people screaming]

- WE CAN EASILYREATTACH THESE

AS LONG AS WE'RE VERY,VERY CAREFUL WITH THEM--

WHOA!

[chuckles]SO THAT'S WHY

WE SHOULDN'T PUT THOSEIN HERE.

[rangers scream]

- WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT FAT ALIENLOOKS LIKE STEVE.

- THAT FAT ALIEN IS STEVE.

- HOW'D STEVE GET TO MARS?

- STEVE ISN'T ON MARS.

[gasps]THAT MEANS THE MARS LANDING--

- IT'S ALL A GODDAMN FAKE!

[laughs]I KNEW IT!

WE'RE ASS-DEEP IN THE BIGGESTCONSPIRACY EVER!

- GUARDS, SEIZE THEM!

- OH, WHAT?

YOU ACTORSGONNA HOLD US HOSTAGE

WITH A BUNCH OFPHONY PROP GUNS?

WOW, THAT'S REALISTIC.

FAKE BRAINS TOO.

THOSE PAINFUL EXPERIMENTSON STEVE.

- WELL, AFTERA CHILDHOOD LIKE HIS,

IT'S PROBABLY THE ONLY WAYHE CAN CLIMAX.

- THAT'S YOU, WOODY.- YEAH, THAT--THAT IS ME.

- WE CAN'T LET THEMDO THIS TO STEVE.

WE NEED A PLAN TO RESCUE HIM.

- THOREAU HAS HIS EYESON STEVE 24/7.

WE NEED TO DISTRACT HIMSO WE CAN BUST STEVE OUT.

- BUT HOW?

- ETHEL, YOU CAN DO IT.

- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TODISTRACT HIM?

- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

- THREE, TWO, AND ONE.

WE HAVE CONTACT.

- DO YOU HAVE TONARRATE EVERYTHING?

- AFFIRMATIVE.

ROTATING THRUSTER 30 DEGREES.

OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS.

DOCKING IN 59...58..57...56.

- [groans]

UGH, I HOPE WHAT I JUST DIDWAS WORTH--

- YAHTZEE!

- WHAT THE HELLARE YOU GUYS DOING?

DID YOU RESCUE STEVE?

- WHAT?THAT WAS TONIGHT?

OH, I'M SORRY.

GUESS WE GOT CAUGHT UPPLAYING--YAHTZEE!

I'M ON A ROLL!

- SO I JUST SLEPT WITH

A DISGUSTING ASSHOLE DOUCHEBAGFOR NOTHING?

ISN'T ANYONE GONNASAY ANYTHING?

- UH, WELL, NORMALLY THIS ISWHERE MALLOY WOULD JUMP IN

WITH SOMETHING LIKE,"YEAH, BUT HOW'S THAT DIFFERENT

FROM YOUR TYPICAL TUESDAY?"[laughs]

- NO, I THINK IT'D BE MORE LIKE,"YOU DID IT FOR NOTHING?

USUALLY YOU GET TACO BELLOUT OF IT."

- OR SOMETHING LIKE,"DISGUSTING ASSHOLE?

YOU MEAN YOU FINALLYSLEPT WITH CONNIE?"

- OH, YEAH, THAT'S IT.

- [laughs]SLUT.

- OH, YEAH, YUK IT UP.

I JUST BANGED A GUYWHO CALLS HIS PENIS

"THE USS ENTER-THIGHS."

- MAN, WHAT A LOSER.

NAMING HIS JUNK AFTER STAR TREK.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, HUNG SOLO?

- SORRY, ETHEL.WE CAN'T GET PAST THE GUARDS.

- STEVE IS IN REAL DANGER HERE.

KURT CAN'T HIDE HIM FOREVER.

AND IF HE LETS HIM GO,NASA WILL BE EXPOSED.

- SO DO YOU THINKHE'S GONNA KILL STEVE?

- I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF HE DOES,

I BET IT'LLBE A RATINGS BONANZA.

- I AM SORRY TO REPORT

THAT THE MARTIANHAS CONTRACTED AN EARTH VIRUS.

AND HE APPEARS TO BE...DYING!

- DR. THOREAU, CAN YOU TELL USWHAT DISEASE IT IS?

- HE'S GOT WHATEVER MADE E.T.

ALL WHITE AND DRIED OUTAND GROSS.

- HOW MUCH TIMEDOES THE ALIEN HAVE LEFT?

- IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT,

BUT HE'LL DEFINITELY BE DEADBEFORE PRIMETIME TONIGHT.

- TONIGHT AT 9:00, LIVE ON PBS!

WITNESS HISTORY AS WE SHOW YOUA REAL LIVE ALIEN AUTOPSY!

- OH, MY GOD.

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