Hannibal Converses Calmly with a Dentist and a Lion

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 08/05/2015

Hannibal touches on topical issues, including Cecil the Lion and the Republican presidential candidates, and welcomes musical guests Two Fresh, Joey Purp and Towkio.

SPEAKING OF ROBOTS,

TIGER WOODS USED TO BE THE MOSTDOMINANT FORCE IN GOLF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE USED TO BE THE MOSTDOMINANT FORCE IN GOLF,

AND MAYBE THE BEST EVERTO PLAY THE GAME.

NOW HE STINKS,

WHICH HAS LEFT A GIANT VOIDIN THE SPORT.

IT'S BEEN AWFUL.

AND I WANTED TO FIND OUT

HOW PEOPLE WERE DEALINGWITH HIS DEMISE,

SO I WENT TO THE PLACEYOU ALWAYS GO TO

WHEN YOU WANT TO TALKABOUT GOLF --

CRENSHAW BOULEVARDIN SOUTH CENTRAL L.A.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW TO FILLYOUR VOID IN THE GOLF WORLD?

A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING.

CAN YOU NAME FIVE GOLFERSRANKED AHEAD OF TIGER WOODS?

NO.

CAN YOU NAME ONE?NO.

WHO'S YOUR SECOND FAVORITEBLACK GOLFER?

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW YOU BEEN FILLINGYOUR GOLFING VOID

SINCE TIGER'S FALLEN OFF?

THE ONLY GOLFER I KNOW ABOUTIS TIGER WOODS.

THAT'S THE ONLY --WELL,THERE'S CHARLES BARKLEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]MAN.

ARE YOU, UH,A BIG GOLF FAN AT ALL?

NOT REALLY,BUT I WATCH TIGER A LITTLE BIT.

BUT NAH,I DON'T REALLY LIKE THAT.

HE'S THE 258TH RANKEDGOLFER NOW.

[BLEEP] THAT'S GREAT.

NO, THAT'S NOT GOOD.WHY?

HE USED TO BETHE TOP GOLFER IN THE WORLD.

[BLEEP] HE GETTING OLD.WHAT YOU EXPECT?

HE DIDN'T GET 258TH OLD,THOUGH.

BABY, LISTEN.THE NEW GENERATION COMING UP.

EVERYBODY GET A TURN.HE HAD HIS TURN.

IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE TURN.THAT'S HOW LIFE GOES.

BUT HE COULD HAVEA RESURGENCE IN HIS CAREER.

HE AIN'T GONNA HAVE [BLEEP]IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE TURN

TO [BLEEP] ALL THE BROADSAND GET ALL THE HITS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IF YOU GOT CAUGHTCHEATING ON YOUR WIFE,

YOU THINK THAT WOULD AFFECTYOUR PERFORMANCE AT THE JOB?

FIRST, SHE'D HAVE TO PROVEIT WAS ME.

AND I MEAN PROVE IT'S ME.

YEAH.YEAH.

WOULD YOU [BLEEP] TIGER?

HELL, NO.NOT EVEN WITH A [BLEEP] COAT ON.

NOT EVEN IF HE WAS,LIKE, REAL CHILL,

AND, LIKE, TOOK YOUON A NICE DATE?

THE HELLWITH TIGER WOODS.

NO, NO, NO.

LIKE -- LIKE NOT EVEN --NO.

IF TIGER WAS LIKE...NO.

..."HEY, YOU WANT TO GOSEE THE...NO. NO.

...AMY WINEHOUSEDOCUMENTARY?NO. NO.

...AND THEN...NO.

...GET SOME SUSHI?"NO.

I DON'T EAT SUSHI.NO.

[BLEEP] TIGER. NO.

"WITH A COAT ON,"WHAT DID THAT MEAN?NO.

WHAT DO YOU THINKTHEY SHOULD DO

TO MAKE GOLFING MORE POPULARIN THE BLACK COMMUNITY?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

YOU THINK THEY SHOULD DOTRASH TALKING IN GOLF?

THEY WANT YOU TO BE QUIETAT THE GOLF.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHYWE SHOULD CHANGE THAT.OH.

IF YOU WERE A GOLFERAND YOU WERE TRASH TALKING,

WHAT WOULD YOU SAYTO ANOTHER GOLFER?

"I [BLEEP] YOUR FATHER."[ CHUCKLES ]

I WOULD SAY STUFF LIKE,"LIFE IS FINITE.

WE'RE PLAYING A DUMB GAME."

I WOULD SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.I MIGHT AS WELL BE DRUNK.

[BLEEP]

"LIFE IS MEANINGLESS.GO AHEAD AND PUTT."

LIFE IS NOT MEANINGLESS.

IT HAS A --GOT A LOT OF PURPOSES.

WHAT'S THE PURPOSE?MAKE MONEY...NO.

...AND CREATESMALLER VERSIONS OF YOURSELF?

I DON'T WANT TO BRINGANY KIDS INTO THIS WORLD, MAN.

NOW, WHAT IF YOUR FATHERHAD THOUGHT LIKE THAT?

YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE.

THAT WAS A DIFFERENTTHING THEN -- BACK THEN.NO, IT WASN'T DIFFERENT.

THEY DIDN'T EVENHAVE CONDOMS BACK THEM.

YES, THEY DID.IN '83?

YES, THEY DID.THEY WEREN'T POPULAR,THOUGH.

WELL,THEY'RE SOMETHING LIKE

THINGS YOU HEAR ABOUTBUT NEVER SEE.

YEAH?

JUST LIKE THE SERIAL NUMBERON A CONDOM.

YOU EVER SEEN THAT?

THE SERIAL NUMBERON A CONDOM?YEAH.

NAH, I DON'T BELIEVE IT.OH, WELL, YOU PROBABLY

DON'T HAVE TO ROLL IT DOWNTHAT FAR, SO...

[ LAUGHS ]

WHY'D YOU JUST CALLMY PENIS SMALL?

WHO DO YOU THINKIS THE NEXT BIG BLACK GOLFER?

♪♪

[ SCOFFS ]

THERE'S THAT ONE DUDE,RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S, LIKE,JUST FULL-ON BLACK.

HE MAY BE, LIKE, FRENCH

OR, LIKE, JAMAICANOR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

EVEN THOUGH THAT'S, YOU KNOW,OF THE, YOU KNOW, DESCENT -- OH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MARY POPPINSGOT HIT BY A CAR.

THAT AIN'T COOL.

WHO'S THE SECOND BESTBLACK GOLFER?

I DON'T KNOW.I DON'T PLAY NO DAMN GOLF.

HELL, PRESIDENT OBAMA.[BLEEP]

CHARLES BARKLEY?

THE HELL WITH CHARLES BARKLEY.OBAMA.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

TIGER WOODS, OBAMA,BARKLEY.

NAH, OBAMA, BARKLEY,THEN TIGER WOODS.

OBAMA, BARKLEY,THEN TIGER WOODS.YEAH. YEAH.

THE HOLY TRINITY OF GOLF.YEAH.

BLACK GOLF.YEAH, BLACK GOLF.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS WEEK -- THIS WEEK,CANDIDATE MIKE HUCKABEE SAID

THAT HE WOULD CONSIDER USINGFEDERAL TROOPS TO STOP ABORTIONS

IF HE'S ELECTED PRESIDENT.

WHICH MEANSTHAT NO FEDERAL TROOPS

WILL EVER BE USEDTO STOP ABORTIONS.

MIKE HUCKABEESAYING HE'S GONNA BE PRESIDENT

IS LIKE ME SAYINGI'M GONNA BE PRESIDENT.

AND THE ONLY REASONI DON'T HAVE A BETTER CHANCE

THAN MIKE HUCKABEEIS THAT I'M 32,

AND YOU HAVE TO BE 35TO BE PRESIDENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SPEAKING OF A BUNCH OF PEOPLE

THAT HAVE NO CHANCETO BE PRESIDENT,

THE REPUBLICANPRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IS TOMORROW,

AND MIKE HUCKABEE

IS JUST ONE OF THE CANDIDATESTHAT BAFFLES ME

'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A CHANCEAT ALL.

SO LET'S RUN THROUGH THEM.

OHIO GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH.JOHN KASICH.

IT DOESN'T MATTER, 'CAUSE YOUDON'T HAVE A CHANCE, DUDE.

WHO CARES?WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

THERE'S BEEN EIGHT PRESIDENTSFROM THE STATE OF OHIO,

AND YOU WON'T BE THE NINTH.

YOU WOULDN'T --YOU WOULDN'T WIN IT

IF LEBRON WAS YOUR RUNNING MATE

AND JIM BROWNWAS YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER.

YOU'D STILL LOSE.

GO BACK TO THE STATEHOUSE.IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

CHRIS CHRISTIE.

CHRIS CHRISTIE. NO!

AMERICA WAS READYFOR A BLACK PRESIDENT,

BUT THEY'RE NOT READYFOR A FAT PRESIDENT.

AND I CAN SAY THAT'CAUSE I'M FAT.

LOOK AT THAT [BLEEP][ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE,CHRIS CHRISTIE.

TRY TO BE ON "SNL" OR SOMETHING.FOCUS ON NEW JERSEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FORMER VIRGINIA GOVERNORJIM GILMORE.

YOU HAVE LESS THAN 1% SUPPORT.

I WAS GONNA GOOGLE YOUTO WRITE THIS JOKE,

BUT I FIGURED, WHAT'S THE POINT?

GIVE IT UP.YOU HAVE NO CHANCE, JIM GILMORE.

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELFAND YOUR FAMILY.

GO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW.

BEN CARSON.

YOU'RE A NEUROSURGEON,

BUT YOU'RE NOTSMART ENOUGH TO KNOW

THAT AMERICA'S NOT READYTO VOTE FOR A BLACK REPUBLICAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HONEST -- TO BE HONEST,I'M NOT EVEN READY

FOR TWO BLACK PRESIDENTSIN A ROW.

IT'D BE TOO JARRING.

I WOULD FEEL TOO PRIVILEGEDAND EMPOWERED.

YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE,BEN CARSON,

BUT I KIND OF WISH YOU DID,

BECAUSE YOU SORT OF LOOKLIKE MY DAD.

BUT...[ LAUGHTER ]

...TOO BAD.IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

HEY, NEW YORK METS,

I KNOW YOU GUYSARE RIGHT AROUND FIRST PLACE,

BUT YOU'RE THE METS.

YOU'RE GONNA CHOKE IN SEPTEMBER.

UH...[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT RUNNINGFOR PRESIDENT,

BUT IN TERMS OF WINNINGTHE WORLD SERIES,

YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE.

NO CHANCE AT ALL.

[ APPLAUSE ]AND...

I DON'T LIKE BASEBALL.

DONALD TRUMP.

I DIDN'T THINKYOU'D HAVE A CHANCE,

BUT SOMEHOW,YOU ACTUALLY DO HAVE A CHANCE,

BUT YOU DON'T,BUT YOU DO HAVE A CHA--

YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING?I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S VERY CONFUSING, DUDE.

PLEASE WELCOMEMY MUSICAL GUEST, PERFORMING

ONE OF MY FAVORITE TRACKS OFTHE SUMMER, "GETTIN' THROWED,"

TWO FRESH FEATURINGJOEY PURP AND TOWKIO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HEY.HEY.

HEY. HEY.

SAY,"MONEY IN THE HOUSE."

YEAH.HEY.

HEY. HEY.YEAH.

EVERYBODY,Y'ALL FEEL FREE TO BOUNCE.HEY. HEY. HEY.

♪ HEY, WE GETTIN' THROWED,WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ I SAIDWE GETTIN' THROWED ♪♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ OKAY,WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED, HEY ♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ I SAIDWE GETTIN' THROWED ♪♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ OKAY,WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ OKAY, WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED, HEY ♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED,WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪

♪ LOOK, EYES LOW, PUFFINGON THAT KUSHY, NEVER HYDRO ♪

♪ RIDE SLOW, REARVIEW MIRROR,CHECK THE 5-0 ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ I SAID WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED, HEY

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ I SAID WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ HOLD UP

♪ HEY, WELL,IF IT ISN'T MISTER FRESH ♪

♪ CALL ME BEST DRESSED

♪ RUNNIN' THROUGH A CHECK

♪ PRETTY...WITH THE FRESH PRESS ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ OKAY, WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ HOLD UP

♪ WELL,IF ISN'T YOUNG TOWKI ♪

♪ LOOK LIKE YOUNG HIROKI ♪ OKAY

♪ PULL UPIN THAT TURTLE TIME ♪

♪ UH, MASTER ROSHI ♪ OKAY

♪ HAD SOME WOMEN, BUT I SWEARTHE WOMEN GET TOO COZY ♪

♪ SORRY I WAS LATE

♪ I HAD TO MAKE THEM BEDS UPFOR MY LONELY ♪

♪ MY LONELY ♪ NOW I'M GETTING...

♪ GETTING POSIES,IT'S A PROCESS ♪♪ OKAY

♪ MONEY STEADY GOING UP,OKAY, I'M CHANGING ♪

♪ OKAY ♪ SHOUT TO ALL MY OLDINVESTMENTS ♪

♪ NOW THEY GETTING MONEY

♪ PRETTY...WOMEN LOVE ME

♪ SWEAR IT'S GETTING UGLY

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ OKAY,WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED, HEY ♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ I SAIDWE GETTIN' THROWED ♪♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ EYES LOW, PUFFING ONTHAT KUSHY, NEVER HYDRO ♪

♪ RIDE SLOW, REARVIEW MIRRORCHECK THE 5-0 ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ I SAIDWE GETTIN' THROWED ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED, HEY ♪ GETTIN' THROWED

♪ OKAY, WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ I CAN SING IT, TOO

♪ WELL,IF IT ISN'T MISTER FRESH ♪

♪ CALL ME BEST DRESSED

♪ RUNNIN' THROUGH A CHECK

♪ PRETTY...WITH THE --OKAY ♪

♪ EYES LOW, YOUNG SYRUP,SIPPIN'...ROLLIN' CLEAN ♪

♪ BEEN A TRIPPY...SINCE A YOUNGIN' ♪

♪ I WAS 17, ROLLIN'

♪ ROLLIN' HELLA GREEN,ONLY CALI GREENS ♪

♪ SWOLLEN, POCKETS HELLASWOLLEN, SELLIN' ANYTHING ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ SAY, MONEY GETTIN'HELLA THROWED ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN GETTING TRIPPYSINCE THE YOUNGER ♪

♪ NOW WE'RE SELLIN' ♪ OH

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' ♪ OKAY,WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ SING IT WITH US

♪ EYES LOW, PUFFING ONTHAT KUSHY, NEVER HYDRO ♪

♪ RIDE SLOW,REARVIEW MIRROR ♪

♪ WHAT WE DO? ♪ FROM THE 5-0

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ I SAIDWE GETTIN' THROWED ♪

♪ HEY ♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ WE GETTIN' ♪ OKAY

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ THEY CALL ME,THEY SAY I'M MR. BEST FRESH ♪

♪ ALWAYS FRESH, YEAH,RUNNIN' THROUGH A CHECK ♪

♪ PRETTY...WITH THE FRESH PRESS ♪

♪ WE GETTIN THROWED ♪ OKAY,WE GETTIN' THROWED ♪

♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED, HEY ♪ WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ I SAID WE GETTIN' THROWED

♪ THROWED

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY,HEY, HEY ♪

SAY, "MONEY IN THE HOUSE,"Y'ALL!

YO.WHAT'S UP.

FOR REAL, TWO FRESH.