Patton Oswalt: Finest Hour

  • Season 1, Ep 101

Patton Oswalt finds humor in absurd real-life events, such as a run-in with crack addicts, an encounter with the Zorro of vomit bag users and a trip to the Spam Museum.

YOU EVER DO--YOU EVER DO THATWHEN YOU'RE BORED?

LIKE, YOU JOCK ROCK YOUR LIFEIN YOUR HEAD WHEN IT'S--

WHEN STUFF IS SO BORING,YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

THAT'S WHAT I DO ALL DAY NOW.

♪ STANDING IN LINE ♪ AT THE POST OFFICE

♪ GONNA BUY ♪ SOME COMMEMORATIVE STAMPS

♪ YEAH

♪ EATING THE SLEEVE

♪ OF SALTINES IN MY UNDERWEAR ♪ WATCHIN' CARLITO'S WAY ♪

♪ COME ON, YEAH ♪ HERE WE GO

[laughs]

♪ JERKING OFF

♪ TO INTERNET PORN ♪ IN MY OFFICE

♪ WHEN I SHOULD ♪ TEACH MY DAUGHTER TO READ

♪ YEAH

SHOULD JUST BE CALLED

"TRYING TO FUCK."

THIS WEEK...

(cheers and applause)

>> Patton: (laughs)

"THIS WEEK,

JENNIFER ANISTON AND THIS GUY

ARE GONNA TRY TO FUCK.

NEXT WEEK,

JENNIFER ANISTON AND ANOTHER GUY

ARE GONNA TRY TO FUCK.

WILL THEY FUCK?

PROBABLY.

FROM THE WRITER OF 'NEH?'

AND THE DIRECTOR OF 'NEH,'

COMES 'BLEH.'"

(cheers and applause)

>> Patton: (moans)

WHOO!

(cheers and applause continues)

>> Patton: WHY DO--

WHY DO THEY MAKE TRAILERS

FOR JENNIFER ANISTON MOVIES?

THEY MAKE--

THEY ALWAYS MAKE

A SET AMOUNT OF MONEY.

WHAT DO THEY CARE?

I WOULD ACTUALLY--

I WOULD--I WOULD ACTUALLY

GO SEE A JENNIFER ANISTON MOVIE

IF SHE DID A TRAILER,

AND THE WHOLE TRAILER

IS ONE MINUTE

OF A MONKEY SHITTING.

THAT'S THE WHOLE TRAILER.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

THEY'RE JUST--IT JUST SAYS,

"THIS CHRISTMAS,

JENNIFER ANISTON..."

AND THEN THERE'S A MONKEY

IN A NAPOLEON HAT

AND HE'S JUST, FOR ONE MINUTE,

NONSTOP, JUST...

(imitates passing gas)

AND NOT EVEN, LIKE--

NOT EVEN, LIKE,

HEALTHY TURDS EITHER.

THAT WEIRD, LIKE,

INTERMITTENT DIARRHEA SPRAY--

LIKE IT CLEARLY HURTS,

LIKE THE MONKEY'S

ANGRY ABOUT IT.

SO JUST LIKE THIS...

(imitates explosion)

"AAH!"

(imitates explosion)

"AAH!"

LIKE IT--LIKE--LIKE THE MONKEY

WANTS TO PUNCH HIS OWN ASS.

HE'S ANGRY AT HIS OWN ASS

FOR SHITTING

THE WAY IT'S SHITTING.

SO JUST... (imitates explosion)

"AAH!"

"JENNIFER ANISTON."

LIKE, WOW.

WE SHOULD GO SEE THAT.

THAT'S... MY GOD.

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

THAT'S AWESOME.

>> Audience: (cheering)

>> Patton: THERE BETTER BE

MORE THAN ONE MINUTE

OF THAT MONKEY SHITTING, THOUGH.

THAT... THAT MONKEY

BETTER SHIT FOR FIVE MINUTES.

THEY BETTER NOT HAVE JUST

SHOWN ME THE BEST PART

OF THE MO-- (laughing)

PEOPLE THAT ARE AGAINST

GAY MARRIAGE--

IF THEY JUST OPENLY SAID,

"I'M AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE

BECAUSE THINKING ABOUT

TWO MEN HAVING BUTT SEX

OR TWO WOMEN HAVING SCISSOR SEX

KILLS MY BONER,

DRIES UP MY VAGINA.

I CAN'T HAVE SEX.

IT RUINS MY LIFE.

THAT'S WHY I'M AGAINST IT"...

THAT WOULD BE A VALID ARGUMENT.

WE'D HAVE TO ACTUALLY

DEBATE YOU ON THAT.

BUT THESE LUNATICS ALWAYS GO,

"WELL, 'CAUSE IT SAYS

IN THE 'BIBLE.'"

OKAY, STOP, HANG ON.

I'M GLAD YOU LIKE A BOOK.

I REALLY AM.

I'M GLAD--HEY, I'M GLAD THAT...

>> Audience: (cheering)

>> Patton: (laughs)

AT THIS POINT, I'M GLAD

ANYBODY'S READING ANYTHING.

AND I'M NOT EVEN PUTTING THE--

THE "BIBLE" IS TERRIFIC.

GIVE IT A READ.

IT'S GOT MONSTERS

AND ADVENTURES,

AND--AND HEY,

IF YOU LIKE TORTURE PORN...

(deepens voice) CHECK OUT

THE OLD TESTAMENT.

OH, MAN.

(normal voice) ANY "SAW" FANS

OUT THERE?

WHOO!

GET THE OLD TESTAMENT.

BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE

SOMETHING IN A BOOK

DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN HAVE

THE THING YOU LIKE IN THE BOOK

HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT CRAZY PEOPLE WANT!

>> Woman: WHOO!

>> Patton: I CAN'T GO

TO THE WHITE HOUSE

WITH A BUNCH OF

"GREEN LANTERN" COMICS AND GO,

"I WANT A GREEN LANTERN RING!

I SAW IT IN A BOOK I LIKE.

MAKE THE THING

IN THE BOOK I LIKE

BE HERE, NOW."

I WOULD BE JUSTIFIABLY TASED

IF I DID THAT.

NOBODY WOULD GO,

"HEY, WE HAVE TO RESPECT

HIS BELIEFS.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA--

YOU'VE GOTTA RESPECT

EVERYBODY'S BELIEFS."

NO, YOU DON'T.

THAT'S WHAT GETS US IN TROUBLE.

YOU HAVE TO--

LOOK, YOU HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE

EVERYONE'S BELIEFS,

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO

RESERVE THE RIGHT TO GO,

"THAT IS FUCKING STUPID.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

(cheers and applause)

>> Patton: "I ACKNOWLEDGE

YOU BELIEVE THAT..."

>> Audience: (cheering)

>> Patton: "THAT'S GREAT.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA RESPECT IT."

I HAVE AN UNCLE WHO BELIEVES

HE SAW SASQUATCH.

WE DO NOT BELIEVE HIM,

NOR DO WE RESPECT HIM.

WHAT IF I--

WHAT IF I 1,000% BELIEVED--

AND I BELIEVED THIS 1,000%--

WHAT IF I BELIEVED THAT

THERE WAS A GIANT INVISIBLE ANUS

HOVERING OVER ME,

AND IF I WASN'T NICE

AND HELPFUL AND COURTEOUS

AND CHARITABLE

TO EVERYONE I MET,

THE ANUS WOULD APPEAR,

SUCK ME UP INTO IT,

AND I WOULD BE DEVOURED

BY SHIT PIRANHAS?

AND I MEAN--

AND I BELIEVE THIS 1,000%.

I WOULD BE THE NICEST GUY

YOU EVER MET.

YOU'D BE LIKE, "PATTON,

YOU'RE SO HELPFUL AND CHARITABLE

AND--AND COURTEOUS TO PEOPLE.

WHY IS THAT?"

AND I'LL GO, "IT'S FUNNY

YOU SHOULD ASK ME THAT.

YOU CAN'T SEE IT,

BUT THERE'S AN INVISIBLE ANUS

HOVERING OVER ME,

AND IF I'M NOT NICE

TO EVERYBODY,

IT WILL APPEAR AND SUCK ME UP,

AND I'LL BE EATEN--

WELL, I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU

ABOUT THE SHIT PIRANHAS.

WE ALL KNOW ABOUT THOSE, RIGHT?"

YOUR CORRECT RESPONSE WOULD BE,

"I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU BELIEVE THAT.

THAT IS THE DUMBEST THING

I'VE EVER HEARD.

PLEASE DO NOT STOP BELIEVING

IN THE DUMBEST THING

I'VE EVER HEARD,

BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTUALLY

HELPING PEOPLE OUT

WITH YOUR CRAZINESS.

DON'T STOP BELIEVING

IN THAT STUFF, PLEASE.

I BEG YOU."

ARE SO CRAZY,

THEY--THEY DON'T EVEN--

LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING

THAT THEY'RE BAD.

THEY'RE JUST SO RANDOM.

HE HAS THE MOST RANDOM--

LIKE ON THE ONE HAND,

HE'S GOT THE NECROMANCERPOWERS,

WHERE HE CAN DRIVE AWAY DEMONS

AND RAISE THE DEAD.

OH, WOW! AWESOME!

AND THEN OVER HERE,

HE CAN TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF FOOD

AND MAKE IT INTO...

(high-pitched voice) A LOT

OF FOOD.

WHAT?!

(normal voice) DOESN'T THAT

SOUND LIKE A--LIKE A POWER

THAT ONE OF HIS SIDEKICKS HAD

IN EARLIER VERSIONS

OF THE "BIBLE,"

AND THEN...

AS THEY KEPT REWRITING IT,

THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHY DON'T WE LOSE SANDWICH JOE?

WHY DO WE HAVE HIM? IS HE...

HE DOESN'T REALLY

SAY ANYTHING COOL, LIKE...

JESUS IS ALWAYS SAYING

ALL THIS COOL SHIT,

AND THEN HE POPS IN,

'WHO WANTS A NICE PITA? HUH?'

'IT'S THE FUCKING

SERMON ON THE MOUNT, JOE.

GO ON. GET OUTTA HERE.'

'THEY LOOKED HUNGRY.

I THOUGHT I'D POP IN AND...'

"OH, JEEZ.

GIVE JESUS THE LUNCH POWERS."

I TOOK MY DAUGHTERTO DISNEYLAND.

>> Audience: (cheering)>> Patton: AND NEXT TO

DISNEYLAND WAS A PLACE--AND YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOTTA SAY SOMETHING.

AT AN--AT AN IRONIC DISTANCE,EVERYONE'S LIKE,

"YEAH, DISNEYLAND."

YOU EVER GONE THERE RECENTLY?

IT'S...

(high-pitched voice) AMAZING.

>> Audience: (cheers)>> Patton: I HAD FORGOTTEN

HOW AMAZING--JUST THE LEVEL OF DETAIL

IS RIDICULOUS.

IT'S--IT REALLY IS LIKE,"WOW. IF YOU GIVE

AN OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVEENOUGH MONEY,

SOMETIMES THEY DOREALLY AMAZING STUFF.

(chuckles) IT'S AMAZING.

BUT NEXT DOOR,THERE'S THIS PLACE

CALLED CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE,WHICH IS ALSO REALLY FUN.

>> Audience: (cheers)>> Patton: AND THEY HAD

THIS THING CALLEDTHE REDWOOD CREEK

CHALLENGE TRAIL.

AND IT'S GOT ROPE BRIDGESAND CLIMBING WALLS AND SLIDES,

AND IT'S SO MUCH FUN.

AND SHE LOVED IT,AND SHE'S RUNNING AROUND.

BUT AT THE FAR ENDOF THE REDWOOD CREEK

CHALLENGE TRAIL,THERE'S THIS THING,

AND IF ANYONE HAS VISITED,YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S CALLED THE SPIRIT CAVE.

AND WHAT YOU DO--IT'S FOR THE KIDS--

THE KIDS GO IN,GO INTO THE SPIRIT CAVE,

IT'S REALLY WELL DONE.

AND ON THE FAR WALL,THERE'S THIS IMPRESSION

OF A HUMAN HANDTHAT YOU CAN PRESS

YOUR HAND TO.

AND THE CAVE LIGHTNINGSAND THUNDERS AND LIGHTS UP

AND THIS ANIMATION STARTS,AND YOU'RE GIVEN

YOUR SPIRIT ANIMAL.

YOU'RE TOLD WHATYOUR SPIRIT ANIMAL IS.

SO YOU CAN TOUCH THE WALLAND BE TOLD YOU'RE A WOLF.

A WOLF. WOW.

OR YOU TOUCH THE WALLAND YOU'RE TOLD

THAT YOU'RE AN EAGLE.

OH.

AND THEY HAVE A LISTOF ALL THE ANIMALS,

AND THEY TELL YOU, LIKE,THE WOLF IS BRAVE

AND, YOU KNOW, FIERCE,AND THE EAGLE IS PROUD

AND--AND GRAND,AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"OH, THIS IS AMAZING."

YOU CAN ALSO TOUCH THE WALLAND BE TOLD THAT YOU'RE A SKUNK!

ONE OF THE ANIMALS IS A SKUNK!

WHY WOULD YOU DO THATTO A LITTLE KID?

(clears throat)AND I SAW, BY THE WAY,

I SAW A GROUP OF KIDSAT A BIRTHDAY PARTY,

AND THEY'RE ALL TOUCHINGTHE WALL,

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"AH, I'M A WOLF!"

(imitates thunder clap)"AH, I'M AN EAGLE!"

AND THIS KID HIT THE WALL,SKUNK CAME UP.

ALL THE KIDS,"YOU'RE A SMELLY SKUNK. HA HA."

AND HE--LIKE, YOU COULDLITERALLY SEE, LIKE,

THE GOTH MAKEUP FORMINGON HIS FACE

AND ALL HIS CLOTHESTURNING BLACK.

LIKE, THERE YOU GO.

LIKE, THERE IT IS.

FUTURE IS SEALED.

AND THE MOM, GOD BLESS HER,TRIED TO SAVE IT.

RAN OVER TO THE CHART.

"IT SAYS THAT THE SKUNKIS CREATIVE AND INDUSTRIOUS."

THAT--TOO LATE.

THERE'S NO SET OF ADJECTIVESTHAT ARE GONNA

STOP KIDS GOING,"YOUR ASS IS SMELLY

'CAUSE YOU'RE A SKUNK."

"NO, IT SAYS THE SHIT BEETLEIS INDUSTRIOUS AND..."

IT SAID "SHIT BEETLE."

WE'RE DONE. I THINK WE'RE DONE.

I ALMOST WONDER, DOES LIKE--DOES THE DISNEYLAND CORPORATION,

ARE THEY SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW,"LOOK, WE'RE GONNA NEED

ARTISTS IN THE FUTURE--GUYS THAT ARE CONTENT WITH

SITTING IN A WINDOWLESS ROOMDRAWING ARIEL

OVER AND OVER AGAIN--SO WE SHOULD HAVE

AN ATTRACTIONTHAT EVERY EIGHTH KID,

IT JUST BREAKS THEIR SPIRITRIGHT THERE...

SO WE CAN BE ASSUREDA WORKFORCE DOWN THE DECADES.

FOR A WHILE.

I WENT TO WEIGHT WATCHERS,

AND IT'S A GREAT ORGANIZATION.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

CARBS AND SUGAR DOESN'T HAVE

A WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS

OR A KEITH RICHARDS.

WE DON'T HAVE--ALL MY--

ALL MY ALCOHOLIC,

DRUG ADDICT FRIENDS--

THEIR MEETINGS ARE AWESOME

AND DARK AND COMPELLING.

"YEAH, I T-BONED A SCHOOL BUS

AND I HAD TO FLEE TO MEXICO,

AND THEN THAT'S WHEN I..."

I'M LIKE, "WOW."

AND ALL

THE WEIGHT WATCHERS' MEETINGS

WERE, "WELL, NUMBER ONE, I HAD

DORITOS FOR BREAKFAST AGAIN.

AND, UH, BUT I DECIDED

TO FORGIVE MYSELF,

AND I PUT IT

IN MY POINTS COUNTER.

AND THEN I WENT TO

A FRIEND'S POOL PARTY,

AND I SAID, 'DAMN IT,

I'M GONNA SWIM,'

AND I GOT IN THE POOL.

AND IT DOESN'T MATTER

HOW I LOOK,

AND I WAS VERY COOL WITH MYSELF.

BUT THEY HAD PIE.

AND I REALIZED,

I SUBCONSCIOUSLY

CUT A HUGE SLICE OF PIE

AND LEFT IT BESIDE THE POOL

SO I COULD SWIM UP TO IT

AND TAKE A BITE

EVERY NOW AND THEN,

AND I SAID, 'HEY,

I'M SWIMMING TOWARDS PIE.'"

>> Patton: AND HEARING MYSELF

SAY THAT STUFF,

REALLY WAS LIKE--

I CAN'T DO THIS.

THIS IS HORRIBLE.

I NEED...

>> Patton: THE CIRCUSIS IN TOWN!

>> Audience: (cheering)>> Patton: YOU KNOW,

WE'VE GOTTEN RID OF SLAVERY,CHILD LABOR.

HOW IN THE HELL DO WE STILL HAVETHE CIRCUS, HONESTLY?

THE CIRCUS, WHICH, LOOK,I'M SURE--I DON'T KNOW

WHEN THEY INVENTED THE CIRCUS,IN 1 A.D.--

I'M SURE BACK THEN,WHEN THERE WAS

NOTHING ELSE TO DOEXCEPT BE AFRAID OF THE SUN,

YEAH, THE CIRCUS WAS GREAT.

BUT IMAGINE--IMAGINE PITCHING THE CIRCUS NOW

AS AN ENTERTAINMENT DESTINATION.

"HEY, I GOT THIS GREAT IDEAFOR FAMILIES AND KIDS.

YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS, MAN.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

WE'RE GONNA PUT UP A TENTON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN

AND WE'RE GONNA FILL ITWITH DEPRESSED ANIMALS...

WALKING SLOW--DID I SAY WALKING?

I MEANT TRUDGING--TRUDGING COUNTERCLOCKWISE

IN AN OVAL.

AND WHILE THEY DO IT,WE'RE GONNA PLAY

CREEPY CALLIOPE MUSICOVER THEM.

JUST THIS ECHOEY...

(imitates calliope music)THEIR SPIRITS BROKEN...

(imitates calliope music)NO CONNECTION TO THE WILD.

(imitates calliope music)""UH, UM... I'M SORRY.

YOU SAID THIS IS FOR, LIKE,FAMILIES AND KIDS?

'CAUSE THIS SOUNDS REALLY GRIMAND CREEPY."

"WELL, YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH,BECAUSE WE'RE ALSO

GONNA HAVE MENIN BRIGHT CLOTHING AND MAKEUP--"

"OH, TIME-OUT.

YOU MEAN LIKE--LIKE TRANSVESTITES, RIGHT?"

"WELL, TECHNICALLY, YES,BUT THEY'RE GONNA KEEP GOING

SO THAT THEY'RE CLOWNS."

YOU REALIZE, A CLOWNIS JUST A TRANSVESTITE

THAT DOESN'T STOP.

LIKE IF YOU--LIKE IF YOU--

IF YOU SAW A GUYIN LIPSTICK AND EYE SHADOW,

YOU'D BE LIKE,TIMMY, LEAVE HIM ALONE.

THAT'S HIS OWN THING."

THE GUY'S LIKE, "OH, NO.

HANG ON. WHOO!"I'M LIKE, "OH, TIMMY. GET A--

HE'S A WONDERFUL CLOWN.

GET OVER THERE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D USEA WHOLE TUBE OF LIPSTICK

ON ONE CHEEK.

PLEASE... ENTERTAIN MY CHILD.

RUN AT HIM OUT OF THE DARKNESS.

HE'LL LOVE IT."

>> Patton: AND EVERY ANIMALIN THE CIRCUS

OPENLY DOESN'T WANT TO BE THEREOR WANTS TO MURDER YOU.

EVERY SINGLE ONE.

WHEN WAS THAT A PLUSFOR AUDIENCES,

TO SEE THINGS ENTERTAIN THEMAGAINST THEIR WILL?

LIKE, "YEAH, WE WENT TOTHE MOORE LAST NIGHT.

WE SAW PATTON OSWALT.

HE WAS OKAY, BUT, LIKE,HE--YOU COULD TELL HE WANTED

TO BE UP THERE.

I HATE THAT!

I LIKE IT WHEN MY PERFORMERSARE CHASED OUT ON STAGE

BY A GUY WITH A CHAIRAND A STARTER PISTOL,

AND THEN THEY HAVE TOSTAND IN PLACE UNDER A CAGE,

AND THEY JUST GLARE AT MEAND JUST YELL.

THAT'S THE BEST.

LIKE--LIKE I'VE SEEN ELTON JOHNIN CONCERT FIVE TIMES.

C MINUS.

WHAT I'D LIKE TO SEE...

WHAT I WANT TO SEE--I'D LOVE TO SEE HIM

GET CHASED OUT TO HIS PIANOBY A GUY WITH A BULLWHIP.

BUT... RIGHT BEFOREHE GOES ON STAGE,

IF HE COULD TAKE A HUGE DUMPRIGHT OFF STAGE, I...

I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT,BUT I'D LOVE TO VAGUELY SMELL IT

THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SHOW.

THEN HE GETS CHASED OUTTO HIS PIANO,

AND DOES EVERY ONE OF HIS SONGSJUST SCREAMING THEM AT ME.

AND THEN AS HE FINISHESEACH ONE,

HE TRIES TO RUN AWAY,AND THEY CHASE HIM OUT AGAIN."

SO THE WHOLE CONCERT--THE WHOLE CONCERT IS LIKE...

♪ HOW WONDERFUL ♪ LIFE IS

♪ WITH YOU IN THE... >> Patton: ♪ DANIEL IS

♪ TRAVELING TONIGHT ON A PLANE (chuckling) THAT'S THE MAGIC

OF THE CIRCUS.

>> Audience: (cheering)>> Patton: WHOO-HOO!

OHH.

TO ANYBODY

THAT I EVER MADE FUN OF

FOR WEARING SWEATPANTS

IN PUBLIC.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

I WAS WRONG. YOU WERE RIGHT.

THEY'RE A MIRACLE.

THEY'RE A MIRACLE.

I THOUGHT--I THOUGHT THAT

THE--THE PINNACLE OF MANKIND

WOULD BE MARS COLONY

OR TELEPORTATION.

NOPE. SWEATPANTS.

THAT WAS IT.

SWEATPANTS.

WE STARTED--

IT WAS FIRE

AND THE WHEEL AND WRITING,

AGRICULTURE, PENICILLIN,

SWEATPANTS.

EVERYTHING ELSE, WE'RE JUST

ON THE DOWNWARD SLOPE.

WE DID IT. WE'RE ALL DONE.

AND IF YOU--IF YOU SEE SOMEBODY

IN SWEATPANTS IN PUBLIC,

THEY STINK.

THEY SMELL HORRIBLE.

NOBODY... (chuckles)

NOBODY TAKES A SHOWER, SHAMPOOS,

SHAVES, BRUSHES THEIR TEETH,

AND THEN PUTS SWEATPANTS--

AT THAT POINT...

THEY JUST GO, "OH, WELL,

I MAY AS WELL GET DRESSED

IF I DID ALL THAT.

WHY WOULD I..."

EVERY--SWEATPANTS ARE

ALWAYS PULLED ON

OVER UNDEODORIZED FLESH.

IT'S JUST...

IT'S ALL SWAMP ASS

AND NUT FOG DOWN HERE.

IT'S JUST A--

IT'S AN UNBROKEN BELT OF STINK.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

YOU CAN CUT SLICES

LIKE A BUNDT CAKE

AND THROW IT AT AN ATTACKER.

JUST--"OH, HOT MAYONNAISE!"

I WAS DRIVING AROUND ONE DAY.

GOTTA LOSE SOME GODDAMN WEIGHT,ONCE AND FOR ALL.

I'LL NEVER DO IT,BUT I'M GONNA--

EVERY--EVERY ALBUM I DO NOW--FROM NOW ON, IT'S GONNA GO,

"I GOTTA LOSE SOME WEIGHT, MAN.

I GOTTA..."

TEN ALBUMS FROM NOW,I'M GONNA COME OUT HERE

ON RASCAL SCOOTER.

(chuckles)(deepens voice) "I'VE GOTTA

LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

THIS TIME, I'M GONNA DO IT."

(normal voice) I KNEW I HAD--I-I KNOW I GOTTA DO SOMETHING,

BECAUSE MY--MY 2-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

LOVES TO DOTHESE LITTLE DANCE PARTIES,

WHERE I'LL PLAY MUSICALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,

AND IT'S NOT LIKETHAT KIDDIE STUFF EITHER.

IT'S WHATEVER I'M LISTENING TO.

SHE LOVES IT--PIXIES AND BEATLES,

DOESN'T MATTER--AND SHE'LL DANCE.

SHE LIKES TO, "WEE!"SHE DOES A LITTLE DANCE.

AND I'LL GO, "YAY! DANCE PARTY."

AND WE'LL START DANCING.

AND SHE'S A ROCKET.

SHE CAN JUST DANCE FOREVER.

AND--AND I'M GOODFOR 90 SECONDS.

I'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH!"AND THEN I GOTTA GO...

(breathless) "JUST KEEP DANCING.

THERE YOU GO."

(normal voice) AND I'LL--I'LL LEAN AGAINST THE WALL.

I CAN'T-- (chuckles)IT'S ALMOST LIKE--I DON'T KNOW

IF ANYONE REMEMBERSWHEN AXL ROSE CAME OUT

ON THE V.M.A.s A FEW YEARS AGOFOR THE "GUNS N' ROSES REUNION."

AND AXL ROSE WAS A SLINKY,YOU KNOW, SERPENT-Y ROCK GOD,

AND THEN AFTER KIND OF...

(chuckles) KICKING EVERYONEOUT OF THE BAND,

HE SORT OF GAINED THE EQUIVALENTOF DUFF McKAGAN.

LIKE, HE KINDA...

HE BASICALLY PUT ONONE OF HIS OTHER BAND MEMBERS

IN WEIGHT EQUIVALENT.

AND HE MADE THE MISTAKE--LIKE, THEY HAD, LIKE,

HIS MICROPHONE WAS OUTIN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE,

BUT HE MADE THE MISTAKEOF RUNNING

FROM THE EDGE OF THE STAGEALL THE WAY OUT

TO THE CENTER MICTO START SINGING

"WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE."

REMEMBER THAT?

AND HE RAN WAY TOO FAST.

AND HE BASICALLY DID--HE DID, LIKE, WHAT I WOULD DO

IF I WAS DOING IT.

HE COMES RUNNING OUT,GOING LIKE,

"YEAH! GUNS N' ROSES!"HE'S LIKE...

♪ WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (panting)

(sputters)(mutters)

OH... (muttering)>> Patton: ♪ SHU NA NA NA

(whimpers)(panting and muttering)

>> Patton: BUT THENI'LL TAKE MY DAUGHTER TO THESE--

LIKE WE GO TO THISMUSIC TOGETHER CLASS

AND THIS PLACE CALLED WALLABYWHERE SHE PLAYS,

AND THEY'LL--THEY'LL PLAY MUSICAND THE KIDS WILL DANCE.

AND MY DAUGHTER WILL DANCE HARDFOR, LIKE, 90 SECONDS,

LIKE, "YAY!"AND THEN SHE'LL GO

AND LEAN AGAINST THE WALL,LIKE...

NOT WINDED, SHE JUST THINKSTHAT'S WHAT DANCING IS.

DANCING IS YOU GO LIKE THIS,AND THEN YOU GO...

"I'M DANCING."

I'M LIKE, "NO, SWEETIE.

THAT'S... UGH.

YOU CAN PROBABLY KEEP DANCING.

YOU'RE-- (laughs)YOU'RE NOT SWEATING

ALL OF A SUDDEN.

AND I BET YOUR LEFT ARMDOESN'T HURT.

AND I BET YOU DON'T SMELLBURNT TOAST."

>> YOU KNOW, I LIVE IN LOSANGELES, AND FOR A LONG TIME,

I WAS VERY AMBIVALENTABOUT LIVING IN L.A. AND JUST--

AND I REALIZED, IT WAS BECAUSEOF ALL OF MY NEW YORK FRIENDS.

THEY ARE THE ONES WHO PUT ITINTO MY HEAD, "OH, YOU LIVE

IN THIS SHALLOW, PLASTIC,SELL-OUT TOWN.

YOU GOTTA MOVE TO NEW YORK.

THAT'S WHEREIT REALLY HAPPENS, MAN.

YOU GOTTA MOVE TO NEW YORK."

SO LAST YEAR,I MOVE TO NEW YORK.

I LIVED IN NEW YORK FOR A MONTH.

AND NOW I KNOW WHYALL OF MY NEW YORK FRIENDS

WANT ME TO MOVE THERE.

THEY WANT ANOTHER WARM BODYBETWEEN THEM AND THE CONSTANT

SPRAY OF [bleep] AND HORROR[bleep] THAT YOU'RE JUST

SUBJECTED TO.

AND BY THE WAY, NEW YORKIS A GREAT PLACE TO VISIT.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

BUT YOU LIVE THERE FULL-TIME,IT TURNS YOUR SKULL INTO A CAGE

AND YOUR BRAIN INTO A RAT,AND THE CITY IS JUST A STICK

POKING THE RAT ALL DAY.

AND YOU LITERALLY--YOU GET TO THE POINT

WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,"I WANT SOMEONE TO BE SAD,

AND I WANT TO KNOWTHAT I'M RESPONSIBLE!"

[laughing] SO...

AND I MADE THE MISTAKEOF BRINGING MY DOG WITH ME.

I HAVE THIS LITTLEFRENCH BULLDOG,

AND HE'S SO SWEET.

HE GOES "EE!"AND--BUT WE LIVE IN THE SUBURBS.

IT'S QUIET. HE GOES ON WALKS.

HE'S CALM.

HE POOS. HE PEES. HE'S HAPPY.

NOW HE'S IN NEW YORK.

EVERY EIGHT SECONDS--[imitates horn honking]

"[bleep] YOU." BANG.

HE THINKS HE'S GONNA BE MURDEREDEVERY EIGHT SECONDS.

HE WANTS TO STOPAND SQUARE HIS PAWS

AND GET HIS EARS BACK AGAINST--I UNDERSTAND THAT.

HE IS DESCENDEDFROM GRAY WOLVES.

ALL DOGS ARE DESCENDEDFROM GRAY WOLVES.

HE WANTS TO DIELIKE A PROUD HUNTER.

I GET THAT.

"LET ME DIEWITH MY FANGS OUT, MAN."

HE WOULDN'T POO AND PEEON HIS WALKS.

I KNOW WHY.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO--HE DOESN'T WANT TO DIE

TAKING A DUMP ON BLEECKER STREETLIKE A--LIKE A CURLED UP

SALAD BAR SHRIMP.

"EW!"SO HE WAS MISERABLE.

I WAS MISERABLE.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

HE'S MY LITTLE GUY."

SO MY SOLUTION WAS,I FOUND, NEAR MY APARTMENT,

THIS ACCESS TUNNELDOWN INTO THE SUBWAY.

IT WAS JUST THIS HORRIBLE,GRIME-COVERED--

JUST FILTH--TUNNEL.

BUT YOU WOULD GO IN IT...

AND IT WAS RELATIVELY QUIETCOMPARED TO THE REST

OF THE CITY.

AND MY DOG COULD CALM DOWNAND DO HIS BUSINESS.

AND HE WAS POOPING ONSTRATIFIED DECADES OF FILTH.

I MEAN, HIS--HIS POOPWAS THE CLEANEST THING

IN THE TUNNEL, BASICALLY.

AND I WOULD PICK IT UPAND TAKE IT AWAY.

I WANTED TO WALK DOWN THE STREETWITH THIS POO GOING,

"SOCIAL CONTRACT, ASS[bleep]!"SO...

IT'S MY LAST NIGHT THERE.

I KNOW I'M LEAVING THE NEXT DAY.

I'M SO HAPPY.

OH, BOY. THIS IS GREAT.

LET'S TAKE HIM OUT FOR HIS POO.

WE GO DOWN IN THE TUNNEL.

MY DOG IS CIRCLING...

PICKING A SPOT TO--TO POOPON DECOMPOSING CHARACTERS

FROM GANGS OF NEW YORK.

[laughing] AND, UM...

I'M JUST, "COME ON, MAN.

COME ON. DO IT."

AND HE'S JUST CIRCLING,AND I LOOK UP.

TEN FEET AWAYARE TWO CRACKHEADS.

ONE OF THE CRACKHEADSIS ON HIS KNEES

ABOUT TO BLOWTHE OTHER CRACKHEAD...

WHOSE [bleep] AND BALLSARE OUT!

[bleep] AND BALLS ARE OUT!

[sighs]I ASSUME THIS IS BEING DONE

IN EXCHANGE FOR CRACK.

GOODS AND SERVICESARE TRADING HANDS.

OUR FREE MARKET ECONOMYIS STRONG.

I IMMEDIATELY LOOK AWAY.

"OH, I DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS.

OH, GOD.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS.

COME ON, BUDDY. DO IT."

MY DOG STARTS TO POOP.

AND THAT'S WHEN I HEARFROM TEN FEET AWAY,

"NICE."

"REALLY NICE."

I WANTED TO GO,"OH, I'M SORRY.

AM I RUINING THIS ROMANTICGEORGE GERSHWIN MOMENT IN--

IN THE SUMMER TWILIGHTOF MANHATTAN?"

WHICH, I SAID NONE OF THAT,BY THE WAY.

I JUST KEPT MY HEAD DOWN.

"PLEASE FINISH. PLEASE."

HE FINISHED.

I PICKED UP HIS POO. I FLED.

AND IN MY HEAD, I'M THINKING,I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF

THIS HELLHOLE CITY.

I HATE IT HERE SO MUCH.

BUT THEN I REALIZED,ME AND MY DOG WERE PART OF

THAT CRACKHEAD'S CONVERSATIONLATER ON

ABOUT HIS HORRIBLE NIGHT OUT.

HE WAS LIKE,"I GOTTA GET THE HELL

OUTTA THIS CITY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA--LISTEN TO THIS [bleep].

SO EARLIER, ME AND BLUE NIPPLESGO DOWN THE 50TH STREET

GRIME TUNNEL, RIGHT?

HE'S GONNA GIVE ME ONE OF HISPATENTED DRY-TONGUED,

FOUR-TOOTHED BLOW JOBSFOR WHAT HE THINKS IS

A ZIPLOC BAGGIE OF CRACK,ALTHOUGH WHAT I DONE--

I CUT UP A BAR OF IVORY SOAP,'CAUSE NOTHING FEELS BETTER

THAN CHEATING MY ONLY FRIENDOUT OF FELLATIO, RIGHT?

YEAH, SO, AH, I HAVE FUN.

SO ANYWAY...

I'M AS HARD AS A TOWEL RACK,AND SOME RECENTLY SHOWERED,

WELL-DRESSED ASS[bleep]AND HIS SMALL, WELL-BEHAVED DOG

COME DOWNTHE GODDAMN GRIME TUNNEL.

THE DOG STARTS TAKING A DUMPNOT TEN FEET FROM WHERE I AM.

I GO HALF SOFT.

I DRIBBLEMY CHEMICALLY POISONED [bleep]

ALL OVER THE KEDS I STOLEOFF THAT BLIND BLACK KID.

I GOTTA GET THE [bleep]OUTTA THIS CITY.

IT ROBS YOUOF YOUR GODDAMN HUMANITY!"

I WAS DRIVING AROUNDONE DAY.

I WAS DOING MY DADDY ERRANDS.

I HAD MY SWEATPANTS ON.

AND I'M IN MY CAR,AND I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW,

MY WIFE'S BEEN COOPED UPALL DAY.

I BET SHE WANTS SOME MAGAZINES,YOU KNOW, TO READ.

SO I PULL UP TO THIS NEWSSTAND.

I DON'T PUT ANY MONEYIN THE METER.

I PULL UP, I JUMP OUT,GRAB A LOT OF MAGAZINES.

I TURN AROUND.

THERE'S A GUY ABOUT TO WRITEA TICKET ON MY CAR.

AND USUALLY-->> Audience: (boos)

>> Patton: WELL, USUALLYWHEN YOU TALK YOUR WAY

OUT OF A TICKET,YOU TRY TO ADD A LITTLE DRAMA

AND POETRY.

YOU RAMP UP A LITTLE BIT,MAKE IT SOUND REAL.

NO. ALL--I'M IN BLURT MODE.

ALL I CAN DO--I'VE GOT A FOURTHOF A BRAIN CELL FIRING.

I CAN FORM THE BEGINNINGOF A THOUGHT,

AND THEN IT FALLSOUT OF MY SKULL.

THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO.

SO I WALK UP--HERE'S MY ATTEMPT

TO TALK MY WAY OUT OF A TICKET.

READY?

(voice breaks) "PLEASE DON'T PUTA TICKET ON THE CAR."

(normal voice) THERE IT IS.

THERE'S MY SHOT.

I-I MAY AS WELL HAVEJUST WALKED UP AND WENT,

"DON'T WANT THIS!"THAT--THAT WOULD'VE BEEN

JUST AS EFFECTIVEAS WHAT I SAID.

"NO!"SO THE G--THE GUY,

HE LOOKS AT ME,AND FOR A HALF A SECOND,

HE'S TERRIFIED.

NOT--I'M NOT A SCARY GUY.

I SHOULD'VE MENTIONED,I WAS WEARING--

I WAS WEARING SWEATPANTSAND A T-SHIRT,

AND THEY WERE THE SAME COLOR,SO I...

(laughs) I DON'T...

I-I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK LIKEA DR. SEUSS DRAWING.

I LOOKED LIKE A DR. SEUSSROUGH SKETCH THAT HE DID,

WHERE HE'S IN A BAR ONE NIGHT,SOME YOUNG GIRL'S ICING HIM OUT,

AND HE'S LIKE,"GIVE ME A NAPKIN, GODDAMN IT.

I'LL SHOW YOUWHO YOU'RE TALKING TO.

YEAH. THERE. SEE?

I MADE YOUR CHILDHOOD MAGICAL!">> Patton: YEAH. DR. SEUSS

ON AN ANGRY [bleep] HUNT.

STRAP IN.

SO...

(applause)>> Patton: YEAH. (laughs)

SO HE--HE'S TERRIFIEDFOR HALF A SECOND,

THEN HE'S FURIOUS,THE WAY THAT--

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE HEREHAS EVER BEEN FRIGHTENED

BY A MOTH.

YOU GET FRIGHTENEDBY A SPIDER OR A HORNET,

YOU GO, "THAT SCAREDTHE CRAP OUT OF ME.

THAT WAS A SPIDER."

A MOTH SCARES YOU,YOUR REACTION IS,

"OH, GOD! OH, THAT THINGIS GONNA DIE.

THERE IS NO WAY--I'M NOT REACHING

THE END OF MY LIFE,AND I DIDN'T

TAKE CARE OF A MOTH.

NO WAY."

SO NOW HE'S GOTTA KILL THE MOTHAND REGAIN HIS MANHOOD,

AND HE SCREAMS AT ME,"WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT ANY MONEY

IN THESE METERS?!"AND I SAID, "'CAUSE I THOUGHT

I COULD BUY--"I'M SHAKING A BAG OF MAGAZINES

AT HIM NOW.

"I TH--" (laughs)"I THOUGHT I COULD

BUY MY MAGAZINES AND DRIVE AWAYBEFORE YOU SHOWED UP."

>> Patton: AND HE SAYS,"GET IN YOUR CAR

AND GET OUTTA HERE."

AND I GO, "THANK YOU."

AND THEN I GET--I GET IN MY CAR,

I'M ABOUT TO DRIVE AWAY,AND HE LEANS INTO MY WINDOW

AND SAYS,"LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING

TO YOU.

WE DON'T HAVE TIMETO PULL OVER AND CHECK

EVERY ONE OF THESE METERS.

YOU UNDERSTAND?"AND I GO,

"YEAH, I'M SORRY, MAN."

AND IT TOOK ME THREE BLOCKSBEFORE IT HIT ME--

"THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TIME TO DO!

THAT'S YOUR--YOU JUST DESCRIBED YOUR JOB!

IT DOESN'T SAY,'PARKING ENFORCEMENT

AND HOMICIDE'ON THE SIDE OF THE CAR.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE..."

"I GOT THREE AX MURDERSIN EL MONTE.

I GOTTA CHECK ALL THESE METERS?

THERE'S A MANIAC ON THE LOOSE."

FOR A ROMANTIC COMEDY,

AND THEY WANTED ME TO AUDITION

FOR THE PART OF THE...

(singsongy) ♪ GAY

♪ BEST FRIEND...

(normal voice) WHICH...

(cheers and applause)

>> Patton: I...

(cheers and applause continues)

>> Patton: IT'S 2011.

IT'S 2011.

I MAY AS WELL PUT ON BLACKFACE

AND TAP DANCE.

THAT IS HOW--

THAT'S HOW OLD

THAT CLICHE IS NOW.

(applause)

>> Patton: AND I READ

THE SCRIPT,

AND IN EVERY SCENE, HE WAS

EVERY STANDARD GAY BEST FRIEND.

LIKE I WALK IN,

AND SHE'S CRYING, AND I GO,

"OH, MICROWAVE POPCORN

AND RED WINE, STAT!"

SO...

POINTLESS.

NOW I HAVE A LOT OF GAY FRIENDS,

AND A LOT OF MY GAY FRIENDS

ARE IDIOTS,

JUST LIKE MY STRAIGHT FRIENDS.

BUT IN EVERY MOVIE,

ALL GAY CHARACTERS

ARE THESE MAGICAL,

INTELLIGENT QUIP MACHINES.

WHICH, IF YOU'RE GAY,

HAS GOTTA FEEL

REALLY DEHUMANIZING

AFTER A WHILE.

SO I SAID, "LOOK,

I WILL AUDITION IF..."

AND THEN THEY HEARD

MY CONDITIONS AND WENT,

"YOU'RE NOT DOING THIS."

I WENT, "IF I GET THE PART,

I WANT TO PLAY THE GUY

REALLY DUMB.

I WANT TO BE THE FIRST

DUMB GAY BEST FRIEND...

IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA.

LIKE, I'LL KEEP--AND I'LL KEEP

ALL THE GAY BEST FRIEND RHYTHMS,

I JUST DON'T WANT TO HAVE

ANYTHING HELPFUL

OR INTELLIGENT TO SAY."

(applause)

>> Patton: SO EVERY SCENE,

I WOULD JUST WALK IN, AND LIKE,

"I'VE SEEN

THAT LOOK BEFORE, SWEETIE.

YOU--YOU WANT TO...

HA--UM...

DO S--UH, UH...

SOMETHING WITH HIS COCK,

I GUESS.

I DON'T KNOW.

FUCK. I'M TIRED."

"YOU AND YOUR TWO FRIENDS,

WHEN THE THREE OF YOU

GET TOGETHER,

YOU GUYS ARE LIKE THE..."

>> Woman: WHOO!

>> Patton: (blows air)

"WHAT--WHO ARE THE GUYS

WITH THE MUSKETS?

WHAT DO THEY CALL

THOSE GUYS AGAIN?

ARE THEY CALLED MUSKETEERS?!

WAS I THAT CLOSE?!"

I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO GROW UP SMART.

BUT NOW I DON'T KNOWHOW SMART I WANT HER TO BE.

THERE--THERE--THERE JUSTSEEMS TO BE A CONNECTION TO ME,

AND MAYBE I'M WRONG ABOUT THIS--I HAVEN'T REALLY READ

ANY STATISTICS--BUT THERE DOES SEEM TO BE

A CONNECTION BETWEENREALLY SMART, REALLY YOUNG,

AND THEN CRAZY LATER ON.

THERE JUST SEEMS--LIKE MY BROTHER-IN-LAW

BABYSITS THESE TWO KIDSIN CHICAGO.

AND THEY'RE--THEY'RE 2 YEARS OLD

AND THEY'RE PRODIGIES.

THEIR--THEIR--THEIR MOMIS A PHYSICIST,

AND THE DAD PLAYSMULTIPLE INSTRUMENTS

IN AN ORCHESTRA,AND THE KIDS ARE BRILLIANT.

THEY'RE--THEY'RE 2 YEARS OLD,THEY SPEAK LANGUAGES,

THEY DO ADVANCED MATH,THEY PLAY INSTRUMENTS.

THEY'RE PRODIGIES.

THEY'RE IN DIAPERS.

THEY'RE IN DIAPERSAND THEY DO ALL THAT STUFF.

SO ONE TIME,MY BROTHER-IN-LAW

IS BABYSITTING,AND ONE OF THE KIDS HAD

AN... (singsongy) ACCIDENTIN HIS DIAPERS.

(normal voice) SOMY BROTHER-IN-LAW SAID,

"OH, DO I GOTTA CHANGEYOUR DIAPERS?"

AND THE LITTLE KID SAID,"DIAPER."

>> Patton: "SINGULAR."

YES, THAT'S REALLY SMART.

THAT'S ALSO THE CONFIDENCEOF A SERIAL KILLER.

IF YOU...

IF YOU ARE SHITTING YOUR PANTSAND THEN CORRECTING

PEOPLE'S GRAMMAR,THAT'S--YOU'RE JUST NECK-DEEP

IN THE CRAZY POOL, AREN'T YOU?

"TAKE OFF WHAT?">> Audience: (cheering)

>> Patton: "NO,I DIDN'T SHIT MY PANTS.

IT HAPPENED EIGHT SECONDS AGO.

I SHAT MY PANTS.

READ A BOOK, YOU LEPTON."

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