CC Presents: Jimmy Shubert

  • 02/19/2004

Jimmy Shubert: ALRIGHT!

OKAY.

ALRIGHT, SETTLE DOWN.

OH!

OH, MAN.

YOU ARE TOO KIND.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NEW YORK CITY, WOW!

I FLEW IN.

I HAD TO GET PAST THAT

CRACK SECURITY AT THE AIRPORT.

I DON'T FEEL ANY SAFER.

WHAT DOES THE TSA ACTUALLY

STAND FOR?

"TAKE SCISSORS AWAY"?

[LAUGHTER]

"THOUSANDS STANDING AROUND"?

YOU KNOW?

WHO LEFT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

IN CHARGE OF AIRPORT SECURITY?

THE SAME PEOPLE THAT PAY $600

FOR A TOILET PLUNGER ARE NOW

RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING ME

FROM A KABAL OF INTERNATIONAL

TERRORISTS?

THAT OUGHTA MAKE YOU FEEL ABOUT

AS SAFE AS A GERBIL IN THE FRONT

WINDOW OF A SAN FRANCISCO

PET SHOP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT

HAPPENED.

I'M GETTIN' READY TO GET ON

THE PLANE AND THEY PULL ME

AND A 70 YEAR-OLD LADY OUT OF

LINE AND I GO, AH, WELL,

THIS MUST BE SOME OF THAT RACIAL

PROFILIN' I'VE BEEN HEARIN'

SO MUCH ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, "GET THE IRISH GUY

AND THE CHICK WITH THE WALKER.

I THINK THEY'RE A TEAM."

YOU KNOW.

MEANWHILE, AHMED AND MOHAMMED

ARE KINDA SKIPPIN' DOWN THE

GANGPLANK WITH YOU KNOW,

WITH A COUPLE OF CAMELS IN TOW.

THAT SEEMS TO BE OKAY, YOU KNOW.

IN THE MEANTIME, ME AND

MRS. DOUBTFIRE ARE SPREAD EAGLE

AGAINST THE BACK WALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE GUY'S RUBBIN' HIS MAGNETIC

WAND ALL UP IN OUR CROTCH AREAS.

THEY'RE RIPPIN' OFF GRANNY'S

ORTHOPEDIC WALKIN' BOOT MAKIN'

SURE IT'S NOT FILLED WITH C-4.

THE GUY'S RIFLIN' MY BAG

COMES ACROSS MY NAIL CLIPPER,

GOING "SIR, YOU ARE NOT GONNA

BE ABLE TO BOARD A PLANE

WITH A NAIL CLIPPER."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, YOU GOTTA BE PRETTY GOOD

TO HIJACK A PLANE WITH A

NAIL CLIPPER.

YOU GO ON THE PLANE, YOU KICK

OPEN THE COCKPIT AND WRESTLE

THE PILOT.

SHOE OFF--

"ALRIGHT!

YOU TAKE ME TO LAGUARDIA

OR I'M GONNA TRIM YOUR TOENAILS

REALLY SHORT SO IT HURTS WHEN

YOU WALK!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'LL CLIP THAT LITTLE PINKY TOE

TILL IT BLEEDS, BITCH!

NOW YOU GET THIS PLANE AIRBORNE,

OR IT'S BAD PEDICURES FOR

EVERYBODY!

I GOT NAIL CLIPPER, I'LL USE

IT!"

YA MENTAL MIDGET!

WHAT IS-- WHAT?

WHY DON'T YOU GO PAT DOWN THE

LITTLE KID IN THE

WINNIE-THE-POOH KNAPSACK

ONE MORE TIME?

THAT'LL MAKE ME FEEL SAFE.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE IT.

EVERYBODY'S GOTTA TAKE OFF THEIR

SHOES NOW.

I LOVE THAT.

ONE GUY GETS ON THE PLANE WITH

AN EXPLODING SHOE AND NOW WE ALL

GOTTA TAKE OFF OUR SHOES 'CAUSE

OF ONE GUY.

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO DO IT

ACCORDING TO HIS ATTORNEY.

HE WAS JUST WEARING HIS

EXPLODING LOAFERS THAT DAY

AND FORGET HE WAS FLYING.

THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYBODY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, JESUS.

HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THE GUY WITH

A SHOE BOMB COMIN' A MILE AWAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE IT WHEN THEY MAKE THE

WOMEN TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES.

"MA'AM, TAKE OFF YOUR HEELS.

RUN 'EM THROUGH THE X-RAY

MACHINE."

YEAH, LIKE ANY WOMAN'S GONNA

BLOW UP A PERFECTLY GOOD PAIR OF

SHOES!

ALRIGHT?

CAN YOU JUST PICK IT UP?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

ONE GUY DID IT, NOW WE ALL GOTTA

TAKE OFF OUR SHOES.

WHAT HAPPENS IF ONE OF THESE

FANATICAL LUNATICS MANAGES

TO SMUGGLE A STICK OF DYNAMITE

UP IN HIS RECTUM?

AND THEY CATCH THAT GUY?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR THE REST

OF US?

[LAUGHTER]

I ALREADY GOT MY SHOES

UNDERNEATH MY ARM AND A DRIVER'S

LICENSE I GOTTA SHOW EVERY

NINE FEET.

"YEAH, IT'S ME.

HEY, GUESS WHO IT IS.

IT'S ME AGAIN.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE

IT, IT'S ME AGAIN!

HEY, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!"

YOU KNOW, AND THEN FINALLY

YOU GET TO THAT LITTLE TUNNEL.

OKAY GREAT, I'M GONNA GET ON THE

PLANE.

OH, NO, ONE MORE CHECKPOINT.

GUY'S GOT A BIG VAT OF K-Y JELLY

AND A RUBBER GLOVE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOTTA SHOW YOUR DRIVER'S

LICENSE ONE MORE TIME AND THEN

DROP TROU...

[LAUGHTER]

WHILE THE GUY STICKS HIS FINGERS

IN YOUR MUD CUTTER.

ALRIGHT!

"HAS YOUR ASS BEEN IN YOUR

CONTROL THE WHOLE TIME?"

[LAUGHTER]

"YES, MY ASS HAS BEEN IN MY

CONTROL THE WHOLE TIME."

"HAS ANYONE ELSE PACKED YOUR

ASS?"

"NOBODY'S PACKED MY ASS,

YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!

YOU FREAK!"

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

THEY GOT ALL THE SECURITY

MEASURES IN PLACE.

THEY GOT ALL THOSE RETINA

SCANNERS.

YOU KNOW, I FLY ALL THE TIME,

YOU KNOW.

I HAVE A VESTED INTEREST

IN ARRIVING SAFELY AT MY

DESTINATION, YOU KNOW?

I THINK YOU SHOULD KEEP IT

SIMPLE.

I THINK IF YOU HAVE AN AMERICAN

PASSPORT AND ABOVE ROOM

TEMPERATURE IQ, I THINK THE

AIRLINE SHOULD GIVE YOU A GUN AS

YOU'RE GETTIN' ON THE AIRPLANE.

[LAUGHTER]

"HERE'S A GUN FOR YOU.

AND THERE'S A GUN FOR YOU.

AND YOU DON'T GET ONE!

GET IN THERE!"

AND THAT WAY WHEN AHMED

STANDS UP WITH HIS BOX CUTTER,

"I'M HIJACKING THE PLANE!"

I GO, "I DON'T THINK SO,

BUTT-LICK!

NOW SIT DOWN AND WATCH SHREK

AND EAT YOUR PEANUTS.

'CAUSE THIS SON OF A BITCH

IS GOIN' TO PHILLY JUST LIKE

THE TICKET SAYS."

TO THE POINT YOU CAN'T EVEN

RELAX ANYMORE.

THE WHOLE WORLD'S GONE NUTS.

IT'S CRAZY.

EVEN IN RESTAURANTS, YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN?

YOU GO TO A RESTAURANT AND THEY

GET YOU STARTED EATIN' YOUR

ENTREE.

AND A GUY POPS OUT OF NOWHERE.

"FRESH PEPPER?"

"AH!

YOU SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME!

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, A TABLE

LEG?

WHAT IS THAT YOU--"

[LAUGHTER]

NOW MAYBE IT'S ME, ISN'T PEPPER

ALWAYS FRESH?

YOU EVER BITTEN INTO SOME AND

SAID, "THIS TASTES HORRIBLE.

HOW OLD'S THIS PEPPER?

YOU DIDN'T LEAVE IT OUT IN THE

SHAKER ALL DAY, DID YA?

THAT STUFF'LL SPOIL."

I FELT BAD FOR THE OLD GUY,

I GUESS FROM YEARS OF SMACK,

HE HAD THE WORST CASE OF CARPAL

TUNNEL SYNDROME I'VE EVER SEEN

IN MY LIFE.

HE COULDN'T EVEN--

HE KEPT SLIPPIN' OFF THE TOP.

HE ACTUALLY HAD TO PUT THE

PEPPER BAZOOKA UP ON HIS

SHOULDER WHILE A TEAM OF BUSBOYS

WORKED IT FROM THE BACK END.

[LAUGHTER]

NEW YORK, YOU GUYS DON'T MESS

AROUND HERE!

I WENT OUT FOR BREAKFAST THIS

MORNING AT ONE OF YOUR DINERS.

I'M LOOKIN' AT THE MENU.

AND ITEM NUMBER FOUR IN THE

MENU, IT SAID PROTEIN SCRAMBLE.

AND I'M READING THE INGREDIENTS.

IT'S AN EGG OMELET WITH CHICKEN

MEAT IN IT.

A CHICKEN OMELET.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS WRONG!

YOU DON'T TAKE THE EGGS OUT OF A

CHICKEN, AND THEN COOK THE

CHICKEN AND PUT IN THE EGGS!

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S TOO MUCH CHICKEN.

WHO'S BACK THERE COOKIN' SOME

KINDA CHICKEN SERIAL KILLER?

WHO'S WORKIN' THE GRILL,

THE BARNYARD STRANGLER?

THAT'S AN OMELET THAT SPANS

TWO GENERATIONS.

THAT'S NOT BREAKFAST,

THAT'S A VENDETTA.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS OUT HAVIN' SEAFOOD

LAST WEEK.

WE WALKED IN A SEAFOOD

RESTAURANT THAT HAD A GIANT

FISH AQUARIUM IN THE CENTER

OF THE SEAFOOD RESTAURANT.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

THOSE LITTLE FISH IN THAT TANK

GOT NUTHIN' TO DO ALL DAY

EXCEPT SWIM AROUND AND WATCH

THE WAITERS WALK BY WITH THE

DIFFERENT WAYS THAT THEY CAN BE

PREPARED.

YOU TALK ABOUT INHUMANE.

YOU COULD SEE THE HORROR

ON THEIR LITTLE FISH FACES.

JUST BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE

NECKS DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE

STUPID.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA GO INTO A

BARBECUE JOINT THAT HAS A

PETTING ZOO IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I WAS TRYING TO EAT SOME FISH,

AND THE LITTLE FISH ARE JUST

STARIN' AT YA.

"OH, MY GOD, THERE GOES ANOTHER

ONE ON A BED OF RICE WITH A SIDE

OF ASPARAGUS.

AH!

[HYPERVENTILATING]

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE THEY COME AND GET US,

LARRY.

[LAUGHTER]

LARRY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LARRY!

LAR-RYYYYY!"

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

"I'M CRYIN' FOR YA, LAR.

EXCEPT NOBODY KNOWS I'M CRYING

'CAUSE I'M IN WATER.

[LAUGHTER]

WHERE ARE THE ANIMAL RIGHTS

PEOPLE, HUH?

I GUESS IF YOU DON'T HAVE FUR,

YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE DO WEIRD THINGS WITH

ANIMALS, MAN.

I SAW THIS STORY IN THE NEWS

ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO ABOUT

THESE PEOPLE THAT WERE LICKIN'

FROGS TO GET HIGH.

YEAH, YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT?

THERE'S YOUR DAMN DRUG PROBLEM

RIGHT THERE.

I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU COME

FROM, THAT'S WRONG.

WELL, YOU JUST ASSUME THE WORST

WHEN YOU SEE A STORY LIKE THAT.

HOW THE HELL ELSE WOULD YOU GET

LOCKED UP FOR LICKIN' A FROG?

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T KNOW THESE FROGS

PERSPIRE.

THEY SECRETE A SUBSTANCE ON HIS

BACK THAT'S A CLASS-A NARCOTIC.

IT'S A VERY POWERFUL TOXIN.

IT'S PART OF THE FROG'S DEFENSE

MECHANISM.

LIKE IF ANOTHER ANIMAL TRY TO

EAT THE FROG, THE FROG SECRETES

THE SUBSTANCE.

THAT WAY WHEN THE ANIMAL GRABS

IT IN ITS MOUTH, STARTS

TRIPPIN', AND DROPS THE FROG.

SEES LIKE 14 DIFFERENT FROGS.

DOESN'T KNOW WHICH ONE TO GO

AFTER.

DOESN'T EVEN REALLY GIVE A DAMN

ABOUT THE FROG ANYMORE, WITH ALL

THAT...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT'S HOW THE FROG GETS OUT

OF TROUBLE.

NOW I'M NOT MESSIN' AROUND WITH

YOU PEOPLE, IT'S THE REAL THING!

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY IT WAS ON THE NEWS.

THEY WERE MAKIN' AN ARREST.

THEY HAD THE GUY IN HANDCUFFS.

THEY'RE DRAGGIN' HIM OUT OF HIS

TRAILER ON THE EVENING NEWS.

I'M WATCHIN' THIS GOIN', "HOW

THE [BLEEP] DID HE GET CAUGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT, DID THE FROG SQUEAL ON

HIM?

"AND THEN HE LICKED ME!

I FELT SO CHEAP!

I WAS SITTIN' THERE GOIN'

RIBBIT, RIBBIT.

BUT HE MUST HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS

SAYIN' LICK IT, LICK IT.

AND HE WOULDN'T STOP."

GETS ME?

I LOVE THE PEOPLE WHO CARE MORE

ABOUT NEUTERIN' STRAY CATS

THAN THEY CARE ABOUT HOMELESS

AMERICAN VETERANS.

I LOVE THOSE PEOPLE.

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

WHEN WHAT THEY SHOULD BE DOIN'

IS NEUTERIN' THE HOMELESS

AMERICAN VETERAN BECAUSE THEY

ARE MUCH EASIER TO CATCH.

[LAUGHTER]

I READ A STATISTIC THAT REALLY

BOTHERED ME.

YOU KNOW THERE'S THREE TIMES

AS MANY ANIMAL SHELTERS IN THIS

COUNTRY THAN THERE ARE SHELTERS

FOR WOMEN OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

THREE TIMES AS MANY!

I'M JUST SAYIN', NEXT TIME YOU

GET ANGRY FELLAS, KICK THE CAT!

PUNCH THE DOG!

SMACK THE CANARY AROUND!

THERE'S PLENTY MORE FACILITIES

FOR THE ANIMALS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M JOKIN'!

IT'S A COMEDY SHOW.

I'M JUST MAKIN' MY POINT WHEN

PEOPLE CARE MORE ABOUT ANIMALS

THAN THEY DO OTHER PEOPLE!

WE'VE BECOME A VERY PREDATORY

CULTURE.

NOBODY CARES ABOUT ANYBODY

ANYMORE.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T EVEN

FIRE PEOPLE TODAY.

YOU FIRE 'EM THEY COME BACK

AND FIRE AT YOU!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU LET 'EM GO.

THEY COME BACK WITH AN ARSENAL

THAT WOULD CHARLTON HESTON

JEALOUS.

AND THEY SHOOT EVERYBODY THAT

DIDN'T SAY HI THAT ONE TUESDAY

BACK IN 1999.

WIPE OUT HALF YOUR WORKFORCE.

WELL, YOU DON'T KILL PEOPLE

WHEN YOU GET FIRED!

YOU STEAL STUFF!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU TAKE STAPLES, NOT LIVES!

YOU GRAB ALL THE MANILA

ENVELOPES YOU CAN CARRY AND YOU

WALK OUT WITH YOUR HEAD HELD

HIGH.

"I DIDN'T NEED THIS JOB ANYWAY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IT'S NOT SETTIN' A GOOD

EXAMPLE!

EVEN IN SCHOOLS.

IF I GOTTA WATCH ANOTHER STORY

ON CNN ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL KIDS

KILLING OTHER HIGH SCHOOL KIDS,

I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY!

[LAUGHTER]

I WOULDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE IN

SCHOOL TODAY 'CAUSE YOU GOTTA BE

GOOD AT MATH.

I SUCKED AT MATH.

BUT IF YOU'RE IN SCHOOL TODAY,

OH YOU BETTER BE GOOD AT MATH

'CAUSE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON

GETTIN' THE EQUATION RIGHT.

SO LITTLE JOHNNY COMES IN THE

CAFETERIA WITH AN AK-47 THAT

HOLDS 17 SHOTS, AND HE'S ALREADY

SQUEEZED OFF SIX ROUNDS AND

INJURED FOUR PEOPLE.

AND I'M 15 FEET FROM THE EXIT

DOOR, HOW FAST DO I HAVE TO RUN

BEFORE LITTLE JOHNNY PICKS ME

UP, AND PUMPS OFF A COUPLE SHOTS

IN MY DIRECTION?

[CHEERS, WHISTLE & APPLAUSE]

Jimmy Shubert: ALRIGHT.

LET ME BRING THIS HOME FOR YOU

PEOPLE JUST SO YOU KNOW WHAT

WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

A COUPLE WEEKS AGO I WAS

WATCHIN' THIS DOCUMENTARY

THEY HAD ON ABOUT THESE

CONJOINED TWINS.

AND I WAS HAVIN' A BAD DAY.

AND I'M WATCHIN' IT AND I'M

GOIN' OH, MY GOD.

I FELT BAD FOR THEM.

BUT YOU SEE SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT

AND IT PUTS ALL YOUR LITTLE

BULL[BLEEP] RIGHT IN

PERSPECTIVE.

YOU REALIZE HOW GOOD YOU GOT IT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

WELL, YOU--

[APPLAUSE]

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE MY

BROTHERS.

I WOULD NOT WANT TO SHARE A

KIDNEY, A SPLEEN AND A LIVER

WITH 'EM.

YOU KNOW?

TWO IRISH GUYS, ONE LIVER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT WOULD NEVER WORK OUT.

THE SHOW I WAS WATCHIN',

THEY HAD THIS ONE WOMAN ON

WHO WAS A NORMAL SIZED WOMAN.

AND THEN CONNECTED TO HER HEAD

WAS A MUCH SMALLER PERSON.

I MEAN, IT--

THERE'S REALLY NO NICE WAY

TO SAY IT, THE LADY HAD A MIDGET

HANGIN' OFF HER HEAD.

THAT SHE HAD TO WHEEL AROUND

IN THIS LITTLE STOOL LIKE SHE

WAS A BAD PUPPET ACT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST TELLIN' YOU WHAT I SAW!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT EITHER,

BELIEVE ME!

I'M JUST FLIPPIN' THE CHANNEL,

AND THERE'S THE LADY WITH THE

MIDGET, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE GOING, WHAT THE HELL

IS GOIN' ON HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE FUNNY

PART.

THE ONE LADY WANTED TO BE A

COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I'M NOT KIDDIN'.

WHO SAW THE SHOW BESIDES ME?

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH!

I'M NOT MAKIN' IT UP!

IT'S THE REAL THING!

SHE WANTED TO BE A COUNTRY

WESTERN SINGER.

AND I'M GOIN', OH, MY GOD!

I MEAN, NOBODY HAD THE HEART

TO TELL HER YOU--

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T REALLY BE A COUNTRY

WESTERN SINGER WITH A MIDGET

HANGIN' OFF YOUR HEAD.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE A MOLE

WITH A COUPLE OF HAIRS COMIN'

OUT OF IT.

I'M JUST TRYING TO SAVE 'EM

A LOT OF HEARTBREAK.

YOU KNOW HOW TOUGH IT IS TO

BECOME A COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER?

IT'S A VERY COMPETITIVE FIELD.

YOU'RE GOIN' AGAINST

SHANIA TWAIN AND FAITH HILL.

NOTICE?

NO MIDGET.

I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T EVEN FIND

A BIG OL' 10 GALLON HAT TO HIDE

YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S...

"HEY, SIS, GET IN THE HAT!

I'M GONNA BE A COUNTRY WESTERN

SINGER AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA

STOP ME!

GET IN THAT HAT!

IN THERE, IN THERE."

AND THE MIDGET'S IN THE HAT

KICKIN' AROUND.

AND THE HAT'S MOVIN' ALL AROUND.

"ALRIGHT, Y'ALL.

YOU READY TO BOOT, SCOOT

AND BOOGIE?

THIS NEXT SONG HERE'S

AN OLD CLA-- HEY, HOLD IT DOWN

UP THERE!"

[LAUGHTER]

♪ I GOT A LETTER THIS MORNIN'

♪ SIGNED C.O.D.

♪ SIGNED BY MY SISTER

♪ WHO'S CONNECTED TO ME

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ANYWAY, WHO SAW THE SHOW

BESIDES ME?

YOU SAW THE SHOW?

HERE'S WHAT KILLED ME.

ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH

THE PROGRAM, THE LARGER

OF THE TWO GIRLS LOOKS

DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA.

AND SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW,

I LIKE TO DATE."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S GOTTA COMPLICATE THINGS.

NO, 'CAUSE HYPOTHETICAL

SITUATION, LET'S SAY YOU'RE

ATTRACTED TO THE LARGER ONE,

YOU WANT TO TAKE HER OUT

FOR A NICE ROMANTIC EVENING.

WHAT'S THE ETIQUETTE ON THAT?

I MEAN...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOTTA PICK UP DINNER

FOR THE MIDGET, TOO?

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I'M JUST ASKIN'.

I DON'T KNOW.

CAN I ASK A QUESTION?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, I DON'T MIND SPRINGIN'

FOR A PLATE OF APPETIZERS,

YOU KNOW.

"HERE MIDGET, THERE'S SOME

CHEESE STICKS.

SO, WHEN DID YOU FIRST GET

INTO COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC?

SEVEN YEARS AGO.

REALLY?

AND YOU WRITE ALL YOUR OWN

MUSIC.

WOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, WHO KNOWS?

MAYBE YOU HAD A MARVELOUS TIME

ON YOUR DATE.

YOU WERE HAVIN' SO MUCH FUN.

YOU WENT TO DROP 'EM OFF

AND THEY, YOU KNOW, THEY INVITE

YOU IN FOR A NIGHTCAP.

AND ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER.

AND BEFORE YOU REALIZED IT,

YOU WERE INSIDE THE COUNTRY

WESTERN SINGER, MAKIN' LOVE

TO HER.

AND EVERYTHING SEEMED TO BE

GOIN' REASONABLY WELL,

GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCE.

AND YOU'RE GOIN' AT IT,

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

THE MIDGET STARTS TAKIN' OFF

HER CLOTHES.

YOU'RE GOIN', OH, YEAH.

AND--

[LAUGHTER]

[PANTING]

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN',

MIDGET?

I'M HAVIN' SEX WITH YOUR SISTER.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?"

[SPITS]

ALRIGHT, LITTLE MIDGET, COME ON!

COME ON!

YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

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