CC Presents: Michael Kosta

  • Season 15, Ep 2
  • 01/11/2011

FOR CLAPPING.

WE GOT IT RIGHT--COMEDY CENTRAL KICKS ASS.

[shouting]

YES, FIVE FELLASSITTING RIGHT TOGETHER.

HEY, FELLAS--HOW WE DOING-- GOOD?

NICE TO SEE YA.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD STUFF--NICE SCARF RIGHT THERE.

YOU'RE LOOKINGPRETTY GOOD.

YOU WEREN'T CLAPPING.

ARE YOU CLAPPING NOWWHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO?

YES, YOU ARE.

PLAID SHIRT,MORE PLAID SHIRTS.

LOTS OF GAY DUDES--BLACK PEOPLE, HELLO.

[audience laughing]

- CHICKS.

I HAVE A LEATHER JACKETON WHICH IS PRETTY KICK ASS.

THANKS, VERY MUCH,EVERYBODY.

I LOVE BEINGIN THIS CITY.

LOVE MINNEAPOLIS--I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

I'VE BEEN IN NEW YORKTHREE DAYS.

I'VE BEEN DRUNKTHREE DAYS.

THAT'S HOW MUCHI'VE BEEN DRINKING.

THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

DRUNK WITH YOU AND YOUAND YOU AND YOUR LITTLE HAT.

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU'VE HADTOO MUCH TO DRINK, NEW YORK.

I WENT BACK TO THE HOTELLAST NIGHT, WASTED.

FIRST THING I DO WHENI GO BACK TO THE HOTEL,

'CAUSE I'VETRAINED MYSELF,

I TAKE OFF MY CONTACTLENSES, OKAY?

THEN I HADA FEW MORE DRINKS.

THEN I TRY TO TAKE OFFMY CONTACT LENSES.

YOU EVER DONE THATTWICE IN A ROW?

OH, MY GOD,I AM HAMMERED.

I AM GRIPPING MY EYE BALLRIPPING RIGHT DOWN MY RETINA.

OH, MY GOD!

[audience laughing]

WHERE THE HELLIS MY CONTACT LENS?

SOMETIMES, I GET SOHAMMERED I WILL PASS OUT

WITH THE CONTACTSSTILL ON MY EYEBALLS.

WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING--I FORGET THEY'RE THERE.

POP IN TWO NEW,FRESH CONTACTS

OVER MY ORIGINALPAIRS OF CONTACTS.

I HAVE 18 PAIRS IN EACHONE OF MY EYES RIGHT NOW.

[audience laughing]

I CAN SEE YOUR SOULS.

I CAN SEEYOUR CLEAVAGE.

NICE JOB FORYOU, SWEETHEART.

NICE JOBFOR YOU, BUDDY.

[audience laughing]

- I LIVE INLOS ANGELES NOW.

WOMEN ARE HIGH MAINTENANCEIN LOS ANGELES.

OH, MY GOD--BIG TIME HIGH MAINTENANCE.

MICHIGAN THEY WERELOW MAINTENANCE.

I WENT ON A DATERECENTLY IN L.A., OKAY?

TOOK HER TOA STEAKHOUSE, RIGHT?

THAT'S THE WAY KOSTA ROLLSON HIS DATES-- STEAKHOUSE.

I DON'T TAKE MY DATESTO SOME BULL [deleted]

FREE TV TAPINGTHAT TAKES NINE HOURS.

STEAKHOUSE,STEAKHOUSE,

STEAK, STEAKHOUSE,STEAKHOUSE.

[audience laughing]

TYPICAL HIGH MAINTENANCELOS ANGELES WOMAN...

AS I WAS VALETINGMY HONDA CIVIC,

YOU KNOW WHATSHE SAYS TO ME?

SHE GOES, "MICHAEL, I FORGOTTO TELL YOU I'M A VEGAN."

"I'M A VEGAN."

I'M FROM MICHIGAN.

I DON'T KNOW WHATTHE HELL THAT MEANT.

HAVE TO GOOGLEIT ON MY PHONE.

APPARENTLY, BEINGA VEGAN MEANS

YOU DON'T EAT ANYTHINGAT A RESTAURANT

OR ON A MENU ORTHAT'S CONVENIENT.

[audience laughing]

BUT I'M A GENTLEMAN--I RESPECT ALL LADIES.

I RESPECT ALLPERSONAL DECISIONS.

SO I DID WHAT ANYNICE GENTLEMAN WOULD DO.

I DROVE TO A VERY NICE,VEGAN RESTAURANT, OKAY...

I DROPPED HER OFF--I WENT BACK TO THE STEAKHOUSE.

I'M FROM MICHIGAN--WE EAT STEAK THERE!

[audience laughing]

I ENDED UP SLEEPINGWITH THAT VEGAN LADY.

SEX WITH THE VEGAN LADY--THANK YOU, VERY MUCH,

THANK YOU.

JUST FOR FUN, I USEDA LAMBSKIN CONDOM.

[audience laughing]

GIVE ME SOMERIGHT THERE.

[audience laughing]

I'M JUST KIDDING--I DON'T USE CONDOMS.

THAT'S FOR YOU RIGHT THERE,SWEETHEART-- THAT'S FOR YOU.

YOU, BUDDY, YOU GOTSOME PARKING TICKETS?

YEAH, LITTLE BIT-- SUCKS.

WHAT ABOUT YOU,ARGYLE SWEATER-- NO.

YOU SPEND ALL YOURMONEY ON A SWEATER,

YOU CAN'T--DON'T HAVE A CAR.

[audience laughing]

I USED TO GET PARKINGTICKETS-- NOT ANYMORE.

AND YOU DON'T HAVETO GET TICKETS, EITHER,

IF YOU DO WHATKOSTA DID.

I REMOVEDMY WINDSHIELD WIPERS.

WHERE YOU GONNA PUTTHE TICKET NOW, BITCH?

THAT'S WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT, PEOPLE.

[audience laughing]

WHERE YOU GONNA PUTTHE TICKET NOW, BITCH?

[audience laughing]

ADVANTAGE, NO TICKETS--DISADVANTAGE, RAIN.

[audience laughing]

SHOULDA THOUGHTABOUT RAIN.

ALL THE MONEYI SAVED ON TICKETS,

NOW GOES TOCOLLISION REPAIR.

[audience laughing]

SHARK'S ATTACKING--WHAT DO YOU DO?

SHARK'S ATTACKING-- DEAD!

SHARK'S ATTACKING,WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT DO YOU DO-- DEAD!

SHARK'S ATTACKING,WHAT DO YOU DO?

DEAD-- JESUS CHRIST,YOU'RE ALL DEAD.

WHAT DO YOU DO--SHARK'S ATTACKING.

- PUNCH!- PUNCH IT WHERE?

IN THE EYE, NICE JOB,YOU'RE ALIVE.

DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!

YOU FEEL SAFEWITH THIS GUY?

YOU NEED A MAN WHO KNOWSHOW TO PROTECT YOU,

IF A SHARK ATTACKS.

DEAD.

NICE JOB, NICE JOB.

THERE'S NO CLAPPINGWHEN YOU'RE DEAD.

CAN'T PUT A PLAID SHIRTON IF YOU'RE A GHOST.

[audience laughing]

WAIT 'TIL YOU'RESWIMMING NEXT SUMMER

IN THE, UH, HUDSON RIVERAND A SHARK ATTACKS.

YOU PUNCH HIM INTHE EYES OR NOSE?

CROCODILE'S ATTACKING,WHAT DO YOU DO?

CROCODILE'S ATTACKING-- DEAD!

CROCODILE'S ATTACKING,WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT-- RUBHIS BELLY-- DEAD!

YOU'RE NICE,BUT IT'S DEAD.

YOU'RE A SWEETHEART--WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU-- DEAD.

YOU RUN IN[deleted] ZIGZAGS.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

CROCODILES ATTACK QUICKLY.

THEY DON'T CHANGEDIRECTIONS QUICKLY.

IT'S NOT JUST JOKESALL THE TIME UP HERE.

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

YOU'RE ALL DEAD.

- IN MY FAMILYIT GOES LIKE THIS:

JOHN, CHRISTY,TODD, MICHAEL.

OKAY, THAT'SMY NAME, MICHAEL.

EVERYONE HAS A FRIENDNAMED "MICHAEL."

EVERYONE CAN PRONOUNCETHE NAME "MICHAEL."

IT'S NOT A DIFFICULTNAME TO SAY, "MICHAEL."

WHEN I WAS BORN,MY BROTHER, TODD, WAS FOUR.

HE TRIED TO SAYMY NAME, MICHAEL.

BUT INSTEAD,HE SAID, "MIKEL."

"OH, ISN'T THAT SO CUTE--"TODD SAID 'MIKEL.'"

SOMEHOW, "MIKEL"BECAME "PICKLE."

TO THIS DAY--I AM 30 YEARS OLD--

MY ENTIRE FAMILYCALLS ME "PICKLE"

BECAUSE WHENTODD WAS FOUR,

HE WAS [deleted] ANDHE COULDN'T SAY "MICHAEL."

[audience laughing]

MI-CHAEL--IT'S NOT HARD!

I'M IN MY DAD'SCELL PHONE AS "PICKLE"

BECAUSE TODDIS A [deleted] HEAD.

"'PICKLE,' DINNER'S READY"--NO, MOM, IT'S MICHAEL, OKAY?

YOU AND DADNAMED ME "MICHAEL."

I HAD MY BROTHER"TODDLES."

[audience laughing]

NOW WHENEVERTODD WAS BORED,

WHICH WAS EVERY DAY, 'CAUSETHAT'S ALL OLDER SIBLINGS ARE,

IS BORED, MISERABLE,ASS [deleted].

HE WOULD GRAB HIS FRIENDSAND THEY'D PLAY THIS GREAT GAME

WHERE THEY WOULDTAKE MICHAEL'S ARMS

AND THEY WOULD FORCEFULLYTIE HIM BEHIND A TREE TRUNK,

AND THEY WOULDTICKLE MY ARMPITS,

UNTIL I [deleted]MY PANTS.

[audience laughing]

THE GAME WOULDACTUALLY END

WHEN THE TEARS WOULD HITTHE [deleted] IN MY PANTS.

"TICKLE THE PICKLE'TIL HE [deleted]."

THEY HAD A NAMEFOR THE GAME,

THAT'S HOW OFTENTHEY WERE PLAYING IT.

"TICKLE THE PICKLE'TIL HE [deleted]," REALLY?

I'M A NINE YEAROLD BOY, RIGHT?

I'M ADORABLE AT NINE.

LITTLE TINY-- LITTLE NINEYEAR OLD, LEATHER JACKET ON.

[audience laughing]

WHO ARE YOUR HEROESWHEN YOU'RE NINE?

YOUR OLDER BROTHERS,THAT'S WHO.

AND THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OFTHAT BIG TIME, JOHN AND TODD.

THEY USED TO PLAY "HIDEAND GO SEEK" WITH ME,

BUT THEYWOULDN'T GO SEEK.

[audience laughing]

WHO DOESN'T SEARCH FORTHEIR NINE-YEAR-OLD BROTHER?

THAT GAME'S CALLED "HIDEAND GO DIE," LITTLE BROTHER.

THAT'S WHAT THATGAME'S CALLED.

[audience laughing]

OKAY, PICKLE,HERE'S HOW WE PLAY.

YOU GO FIND A REAL TIGHTSPACE WITH LIMITED OXYGEN.

WE'RE GONNA GO PLAY"LEGENDS OF ZELDA"

FOR SIX AND A HALFSTRAIGHT DAYS.

HIDING IN MY NEIGHBOR'SCAR TRUNK,

"THEY'RE NEVERGONNA FIND ME HERE."

NO, THEY'RE NOT, 'CAUSETHEY'RE NOT LOOKING FOR YOU.

BECAUSE THEY'REASS [deleted].

[audience laughing]

I CAN'T EVENTALK ABOUT IT.

I GET PISSED TALKINGABOUT MY OWN FAMILY.

I HAVE TO COOL DOWN.

HOW DOES A CHAMPIONCOOL DOWN?

HOW THE [deleted] DO YOUTHINK A CHAMPION COOLS DOWN?

[cheers and applause]

NEW YORK CITY.

JOHN AND TODD.

[cheers and applause]

TASTES LIKECHAMPIONSHIPS.

LITTLE BIT OF ASSSWEAT, TOO.

LITTLE BIT OF ASS SWEAT--CHAMPIONSHIP ASS SWEAT.

THIS IS FOR MY SISTER, CHRISTY,WHO ACTUALLY LOVED ME.

WHAT IF I JUST KEPT GOING UNTILI FINISH THIS, LIKE REAL SLOW?

- LOVE YOU, PICKLE.

- I LOVE YOU, TOO.

THAT WASN'TACTUALLY MY SISTER.

IT'S A GIRL I'M GONNAHAVE SEX WITH LATER.

[applause]

WENT ON A DATE RECENTLYWITH A WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR,

AND, UH...I STOOD HER UP.

[audience laughing]

NOT SURPRISINGLY,THAT'S WHEN SHE FELL FOR ME.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEN IT BECAMEA BIT OF A DRAG.

BUT NOW WE'REON A ROLL.

I REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL--I'M GONNA SEE HER AGAIN.

I AM GONNASEE HER AGAIN.

YEAH, I AM-- THAT'S ABOUTLOVE-- THAT JOKE IS ABOUT LOVE.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

I SHOULDN'T MAKE FUNOF PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES.

THAT'S NOT COOL--THAT'S NOT COOL AT ALL.

I ONCE CONVINCEDA BLIND WOMEN

THAT I HAD A BRAILLETATTOO ON MY PENIS.

[audience laughing]

THAT IS SMART,THAT IS SMART.

[audience laughing]

THANK GOD SHE'S A SLOW READER--YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[audience laughing]

"WHAT'S IT SAY?

[audience laughing]

"WHAT'S YOURTATTOO SAY?"

"SHH, JUST KEEP READING."

[audience laughing]

I JUST BOUGHT THE NOISECANCELING HEADPHONES.

YOU GUYS KNOWWHAT THESE ARE?

OH, MY GOD,THESE ARE SWEET!

DO YOU KNOW WHATTHEY ARE, PEOPLE?

THEY ARE AWESOME!

WHEN YOU WEAR--THANK YOU--

WHEN YOU WEAR NOISECANCELING HEADPHONES,

IT BLOCKS OUT ALLOF THE EXTERNAL SOUND.

I WEAR MINEALL THE TIME.

I EVEN WEAR 'EMWHEN I MASTURBATE,

AND I KNOW THATSOUNDS A LITTLE GROSS.

I JUST GOT TIRED OF PEOPLEYELLING AT ME ON THE BUS.

[audience laughing]

I GET TIRED OF THAT,I GET TIRED OF THAT.

[applause]

IT'S ALWAYSTHE SAME THING.

"YOU SHOULD BEMORE PROFESSIONAL.

"YOU'RE THE DRIVER."

"YOU KNOW WHAT, LADY,

"YOUR KIDS GET TO SCHOOL ONTIME, MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY."

[applause]

THEY JUST HAVE TO CLEAN OFFTHE WINDSHIELD, THAT'S ALL.

[audience laughing]

OR USE THE WINDOWWIPER-- THANK YOU.

FEEL FREE TO YELL[deleted] OUT HERE,

AT THIS COMEDYCENTRAL SPECIAL.

[audience laughing]

IS YOUR NAMEBACK THERE?

[audience laughing]

THAT'S DICK,THAT'S DICK.

I TOOK, LIKE,600 PHOTOS OF THAT.

[cheers and applause]

YOU KNOW MY CARDS--I KNOW, SORRY.

MY GIRLFRIEND BROKEUP WITH ME-- IT'S SAD.

THANK YOU,THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

NORMAL AUDIENCESDON'T DO THAT,

BUT A TV AUDIENCEIS RIGHT THERE WITH YA.

THAT'S TOUGH, RIGHT?

FOUND HER ON FACEBOOK.

ISN'T THAT TOUGH FINDINGYOUR EX ON FACEBOOK?

I TOLD HER, THOUGH,WHEN SHE BROKE UP WITH ME,

I SAID, "LOOK,I WILL FIND YOU.

[audience laughing]

"I WILL TRACKYOU DOWN."

EIGHT HUNDRED TWELVEPHOTOS ON MY EX'S FACE--

THAT'S A LOT OFPHOTOS OF AN EX.

THAT'S TOUGH--THAT'S TOUGH TO SEE THAT.

I COMMENTED ON EVERYSINGLE ONE OF THOSE PHOTOS.

"REMEMBER US,"REMEMBER US?

"I TOLD YOUI'D FIND YA."

SHE HAD HER WEDDINGALBUM UP THERE-- YIKES!

MIGHT AS WELL RIP MY HEARTOUT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

I WENT TO THE FIRST PHOTOOF HER AND HER NEW HUSBAND

AND I WROTE,"I WAS THERE FIRST."

THAT'S WHAT I WROTE--I DON'T CARE-- YEAH.

[audience laughing]

AND THEN, I LIKEDMY OWN COMMENT.

[audience laughing]

THINK ABOUT THAT.

YOU GOT A DIFFERENTANSWER FOR ME NOW?

THINK ABOUT THAT.

[audience laughing]

HIGH SCHOOL TENNIS.

FACTOR THAT IN, LADIES, TOYOUR RELATIONSHIP CALCULATORS.

I ALSO PLAYED COLLEGIATE TENNISAT THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS,

THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

WHOA, WHOA!

[cheers and applause]

THEN I PLAYED PROFESSIONALTENNIS FOR FOUR YEARS.

WHOA-- WHENEVER I TELLPEOPLE THAT-- WHOA!

PRO ATHLETEUP HERE, HUH?

IS THIS GUYA PRO ATHLETE?

NO, HE'S NOT--THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

[audience laughing]

WHENEVER I TELLPEOPLE THAT,

THEY ALWAYS SAYTHE SAME THING.

"BUT, MICHAEL,WE DON'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

"WE DON'T RECOGNIZE YOUIF YOU'RE A PRO-ATHLETE."

YOU KNOW WHATI SAY TO THAT?

"OH, YEAH, NEW YORK,DO YOU RECOGNIZE ME NOW?

"DO YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT AGODDAMN CHAMPION LOOKS LIKE?"

PLEASE, FELLAS.

[applause]

I JUST PULLED A TROPHYOUT OF MY ASS [deleted].

[audience laughing]

A LOT MORE COMFORTABLENOW, THAT'S FOR SURE.

[audience laughing]

MY PARENTS ARE PROUD OF ME,RIGHT, OBVIOUS-- CHAMPION.

[audience laughing]

MY MOTHER'S A FORMEREIGHTH GRADE ENGLISH TEACHER

AND SHE'S VERYJUDGMENTAL.

DON'T BE SOJUDGMENTAL, MOTHERS.

JUST LOVEYOUR CHILD, OKAY?

JUST GIVE 'EMA LITTLE HUG.

SHE CAME TO MY SHOW RECENTLYAND I TOLD A VERY DIRTY JOKE.

THAT'S WHAT I DID.

AND THE JOKESTARTED LIKE THIS.

I SAID, "RECENTLY,"ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND

"WERE [deleted]DOGGY STYLE."

THAT'S HOW THATJOKE STARTS

AND IT GET A LOT MOREDIRTY AFTER THAT.

BUT I'M NOTGONNA DO IT.

AFTER THE SHOW,MY MOTHER COMES UP,

SHE IS ANGRY,DISTRAUGHT, EMBARRASSED,

A SINGLE TEAR'SCOMING DOWN HER FACE.

SHE LOOKS ME INTHE EYE AND SHE SAYS,

"MICHAEL, THAT SHOULD BEMY GIRLFRIEND AND I."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

I'M THE YOUNGESTIN MY FAMILY.

MOST COMEDIANS ARETHE YOUNGEST IN THEIR FAMILY.

IT'S AN ATTENTION THING.

THE YOUNGEST CHILDNEEDS THE MOST ATTENTION.

THINK ABOUT YOUROWN FAMILIES, OKAY?

WHY IS THAT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY--BECAUSE MOM AND DAD

NEVER PLANNED ON HAVING THEIRYOUNGEST CHILD, THAT'S WHY.

[audience laughing]

MOM GOT DRUNKON NEW YEARS EVE

AND DAD TOOK HERTO POUND TOWN.

THAT'S HOWTHE YOUNGEST CHILD HAPPENS,

AND I HATESAYING THAT.

AND I LOOK AT PARENTSAND THEY NOD OR THEY CLAP.

THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE[deleted] ABOUT MYSELF, OKAY?

CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOURTHE YOUNGEST IN YOUR FAMILY.

WHERE ARE THE YOUNGESTIN THE FAMILIES?

I LOVE YOU...I SUPPORT YOU... I LOVE YOU...

I'M SORRY I MADEFUN OF YOU EARLIER.

I SUPPORT YOU--

WE GOTTA STICK TOGETHER--WHERE ARE THE OLDEST?

CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU'RETHE OLDEST IN YOUR FAMILY.

YEAH-- THIS GUY, YEP, COURSE--NOT SURPRISED-- YEP.

YOU DON'T KNOW THIS, OLDEST--THERE'S A UNIVERSAL NICKNAME

THAT THE YOUNGESTCALLS THE OLDEST.

WE CALL YOU GUYS"ASS [deleted]."

YOU'RE ANASS [deleted], SIR.

YOU ARE AN ASS [deleted]--SO ARE YOU.

YOU'RE A DICK HEAD.

ON FACEBOOK.

CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU'REA MOTHER AND YOU'RE ON FACEBOOK.

CLAP YOUR HANDS IFYOU'RE A MOTHER ON FACEBOOK.

FANTASTIC-- GREAT!

CANCEL YOUR GODDAMNACCOUNT, MOTHERS!

CANCEL YOUR ACCOUNT!

YOU'RE RUINING YOURCHILDREN'S LIVES ON FACEBOOK!

IT'S NOT MEANT FORYOU, THE INTERNET.

[audience laughing]

I POSTED TODAYTHAT I WAS SHOOTING

A COMEDY CENTRALSPECIAL ONLINE.

EIGHT, MAYBE NINESECONDS LATER NEW COMMENT,

JANIS KOSTA,"WE LOVE YOU, PICKLE.

"YOU'RE GONNABE THE BEST."

NO, JANIS--CANCEL YOUR ACCOUNT.

THE WHOLE WORLDCAN SEE THAT.

MY DAD ASKED MEIF I WAS ON SPACEBOOK.

[audience laughing]

"YEAH, DAD--I'M ON SPACEBOOK, DAD.

"I'M THE ONE DRESSED AS ANASTRONAUT, YOU [deleted] IDIOT."

[audience laughing]

TO COMICS AFTER SHOWS

AND THEY ASKTHE SAME STUPID QUESTIONS

EVERY SINGLE TIME--HAPPENS EVERY TIME.

PEOPLE ALWAYS COME UP TO MEAFTER A SHOW AND THEY GO,

"MICHAEL, THAT WAS GREAT--"YOU KNOW, I LIKE YOUR JACKET.

"YOU HAVE A NICE WATCH--"GOOD JEANS, SOFT EYES.

"GOOD SMILE-- I LIKE YOURHAIRCUT-- NICE JAWBONE.

"YOU HAVEBROAD SHOULDERS.

"YOU SEEM LIKE THE KINDOF GUY WHO GETS IT.

"I BET YOU'REA GOOD BOWLER.

"I BET YOU COULD REFURBISHYOUR OWN FURNITURE

"AND YOU MAKETHINGS OUT OF HEMP.

"YOU CAN TALK TO ANIMALSAND MOUNT A HORSE.

"I BET YOU COULD GIVEA GOOD MASSAGE

"AND YOU UNDERSTANDTHE STOCK MARKET.

"I BET YOU SPEAK LATIN."

AND THEY ALWAYS ASK METHIS QUESTION, "ARE YOU GAY?

"HONESTLY, MICHAEL,ARE YOU GAY?"

THIS IS THE QUESTION

I GET THE MOST FROMMOST PEOPLE, "AM I GAY?"

I'M NOT GAY-- I DON'TCARE IF PEOPLE ARE GAY.

DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

I DON'T THINK ITNECESSARILY MAKES ME GAY,

THAT I WOULD HAVE SEX WITHJUSTIN TIMBERLAKE ONE TIME.

[audience laughing]

THAT DOESN'TMAKE ME GAY.

WHEN HE SINGS"CRY ME A RIVER"

I FEEL LIKE HE'SSINGING IT TO ME.

I WOULD HAVE SEX WITHJUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND TOM BRADY.

IT DOESN'T MAKE ME GAY--GEORGE CLOONEY.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, TOM BRADY,GEORGE CLOONEY.

DOESN'T MAKE ME GAY THATI MAY HAVE MADE A LIST

OF MEN I WANNA HAVE SEXWITH-- I DON'T CARE.

[audience laughing]

DAVID BECKHAM,UH, JOE BIDEN.

I WANNA [deleted]THE VICE PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITEDSTATES OF AMERICA.

[audience laughing]

THE SHAMWOW GUY.

I WANNA HAVE HARDCORE SEXWITH THE SHAMWOW GUY.

CLEAN UP'S EASY-- THINK ABOUTTHAT-- IT'S RIGHT THERE.

UH, MY THIRD GRADETEACHER MR. YEAGER,

UH, THAT GUY.

[audience laughing]

UH... DETROIT REDWINGS,UH, ALF.

[audience laughing]

ROSIE O'DONNELL, I'VEALWAYS WANTED TO BANG HIM.

[audience laughing]

ROGER FEDERER AND LASTLYCOMEDIAN, MICHAEL KOSTA.

THANK YOU,VERY, VERY MUCH!

YOU GUYS HAVEBEEN AWESOME!

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