Smokey Suarez, Fahim Anwar & Kellye Howard

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 08/01/2010

Smokey Suarez worries that gay women are taking over, Fahim Anwar reveals his distaste for Biggie fans, and Kellye Howard resents it when men use the F word.

THEY HOOKED THIS PLACE UPSO NICE.

IT'S THE DAMN EL REY.

I'M GONNA TELL YOUSOMETHING, MAN,

WE AS COMEDIANS, WE WILL PERFORMIN SOME CRAPPY-ASS CLUBS.

THIS PLACE RIGHT HEREIS NICE!

IT HAS A SOUND SYSTEM.CASSIDY, THIS IS SICK, RIGHT?

- CRAZY.- THE SOUND IS CRAZY.

- SOUNDS GREAT.

- YOU KNOW, WE HAVE BEENIN SOME TERRIBLE-ASS CLUBS.

- HORRIBLE.- I DID A CLUB ONE NIGHT.

MAN, THE SPEAKERSWERE OLD AS HELL.

MY JOKES WAS COMING OUTIN BLACK AND WHITE.

I WAS, LIKE, GOD DAMN!

AND ALL Y'ALL YOUNGSTERSOUT THERE,

I'M GONNATELL Y'ALL SOMETHING.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOUSOME ADVICE, MAN--

WHEN YOU TRAVEL, BROTHER,ALWAYS READ THE LOCAL PAPER.

I'M TELLING YOU.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

WE AS COMEDIANS, WE TRAVELALL OVER THE COUNTRY

BEING COMEDIANS, MAN.

YOU KNOW, WE GOTO ALL THESE CITIES, MAN.

I ALWAYS PLAY IT SAFEAND READ THE PAPER

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

ALWAYS READ THE LOCAL PAPER,MR. THUG.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMNWHERE YOU GO.

BAHAMAS, BERMUDA.

READ THE HEAVEN GAZETTEIF YOU GOT TO.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

READ THE DAMN LOCAL PAPER

AND SEE THE WHAT THE HELL'SGOING ON.

YOU EVER BEEN TO DETROIT,MICHIGAN?

HORRIBLE. OH, MAN.SORRY, DETROIT. SORRY, DETROIT.

I WENT TO DETROIT, MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU--I GOTA LOCAL PAPER, READ THE PAPER.

CRIME ON EVERY DAMN PAGE.I'M, LIKE, "JESUS!

"THERE'S NOTHING GOODOUT HERE?

GOD DANG IT!THIS IS TERRIBLE!"

CRIME IN THE DAMNCLASSIFIEDS.

"I'LL BE DAMNED.LOOK AT THIS.

"'STOLEN CAR FOR SALE.'

"THEY'RE GONNA SELL MY CARRIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

"LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, '79 DATSUN.THAT'S MY DAMN CAR!

GONNA SELL MY CARRIGHT IN FRONT OF ME?"

THEY AIN'T GO NO OBITUARIES.THEY GOT A THREAT PAGE.

"RODNEY THOMPSON,YOUR ASS IS DEAD TOMORROW."

MM. THEY DONE PREDICTEDYOUR DEATH.

YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN THERE'SCRIME IN THE HOROSCOPE.

THAT'S WHEN IT'S BAD.

YOU READ YOUR DAMN HOROSCOPE.

IT SAY "LIBRA, YOU'LL BE ROBBEDBY A CAPRICORN TODAY."

YOU'RE, LIKE, "GOD DAMN!I CAN'T GO NOWHERE AROUND HERE!"

LET'S DO THIS, Y'ALL.

WHAT'S GOIN ON Y'ALL

WE UP IN HERE TONIGHT!OH, I LOVE IT!

OH. LOOK AT THESE LADIES.LOOKING GOOD, LADIES.

Y'ALL DOING YOUR THING,BABY.

LADIES LOOKING NICE TONIGHT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOUABOUT THESE DAMN LADIES, MAN.

BETTER WATCHTHESE DAMN LADIES, MAN.

LADIES LIKE STUFF, MAN,THEY WILL TELL YOU THEY LIKE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT LADIES LOVE,

WHEN YOU'RE MAKING LOVETO THEM,

THEY LOVE WHEN THEY PICKTHEIR ASS UP.

THEY LOVE IT!I'M TELLING YOU!

DON'T--IF THEY TELL YOUTHEY'RE SCARED OF HEIGHTS,

DON'T LISTEN TO THEIR ASS.

LADIES LOVE A STRONG-ASS MAN

TO PICK THEIR ASSOFF THE GROUND.

THEY LOVE IT.UH. UH. UH. UH. UH. UH. UH.

WORRY ABOUT IF I HAVETHAT KIND OF STRENGTH,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I AIN'T GOT IT, PLAYBOY.

I AIN'T GOT THAT KINDOF STRENGTH.

SO MY WIFE PICKED MY ASS UP.

I'M, LIKE, "GOD DAMN!

"OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

"OH, YOU'RE BREAKINGDADDY ASS OFF RIGHT NOW.

OH, YOU'RE TAPPING DADDY'S ASS.THIS IS RIDICULOUS."

ON OUR HONEYMOON, MAN, YEAH.WAY TO SWITCH IT UP.

WHEN WE'RE ON THE PLANEFLYING TO DAMN HAWAII,

SHE, LIKE, "WE GET TO THE ROOMON OUR HONEYMOON,

I WANT YOU TO PICK ME UP."

I'M, LIKE, "WHAT?

"LOOK HERE, BABE,LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

"I'M STRONG FOR A MINUTEAT A TIME.

AFTER THAT FIRST MINUTE,YOUR LIFE IS IN YOUR OWN HANDS."

I GOT IN THAT ROOM.

IN THAT FIRST MINUTE,I WAS IN THE GAME!

YOU HEAR ME?THAT FIRST DAMN MINUTE, WHAT?

I WAS LAYING IT ON MY WIFE.

THE FIRST--THAT ASS IN THE AIRLIKE THIS, LIKE, "UGH.

"YEAH. HA HA!

"HA. YEAH! HA HA!

"YEAH, WHAT NOW? HA HA!WHOO!

"WHOO! HA. WHOO!

"AH. WHOA, LOOK AT THAT.WHOA, LOOK AT THAT.

"AH. I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU.I GOT YOU.

"UH. UH.GET YOUR--YOUR ASS UP HERE.

"GET YOUR--OH. UH.YES. AH. AH.

"I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU.I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU.

"AH. AH. GOT YOU.

"AH!

[panting]

"YOU OKAY? HUH?YOU MAD?

"WHAT YOU MAD AT? HUH?

"YOU OKAY?

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO ITNO MORE, HUH?"

WELL, LOVE Y'ALL!