Oswalt, Posehn, Finnegan, Madigan

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 06/02/2004

Patton Oswalt gets excited for the apocalypse, Brian Posehn shares what makes a good moviegoing experience, and Christian Finnegan loves dogs' honesty.

(John Pinette)FRIEND OF MINE WALKSUP TO ME AND SAYS,

"JOHN, WE'RE GOINGBUNGEE JUMPING.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME?"

I SAY, NAY NAY.

HE SAID, "OH, ARE YOU AFRAIDTHE BUNGEE'S GONNA SNAP?"

NO, I KNOW THEBUNGEE'S GONNA SNAP.

THAT'S A GIVEN.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

HE SAID, "NO, WE BUNGEEJUMP OVER A BRIDGE.

IF THE BUNGEE SNAPPED,YOU'D GO IN THE WATER."

I SAID, NO, I'D GOTHROUGH THE WATER.

I'D COME OUT IN MAINLANDCHINA SOMEWHERE.

COME UP TWO DAYS LATERWITH TWO BOXES OF TAKEOUT

AND A GUY CHASING ME.

(in Chinese accent)"YOU NO PAY!"

RELAX, PAL, I'MIN A SPEEDO HERE.

LET ME GET MY WALLET.

(Greg Behrendt)THE PREFERRED DESSERTOF CELEBRATION--CAKE.

BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES,WEDDINGS...

WHAT'S THERE--CAKE.

YOU KNOW WHAT'SGREAT ABOUT CAKE?

IT'S COMMUNAL,THERE'S LOTS OF IT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE COOKIE,BUT THERE'S LOTS OF CAKE.

SO THAT MEANS YOU COULDBE NEAR A CAKE SITUATION

AND THEN GETSOME YOURSELF.

YOU GO TO SOMEBODY'SOFFICE TO VISIT THEM

AND THEIR FRIENDTHREE CUBICLES DOWN

IS HAVING A PARTYFOR HIS BIRTHDAY,

THERE'S EXTRA CAKE FOR YOU.

NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO,THERE MIGHT BE CAKE.

AND I WILL GO ANYWHEREIF YOU SAY THE PHRASE"THERE MIGHT BE CAKE."

I WOULD GO TO THE DEPARTMENTOF MOTOR VEHICLES,

REGISTER SOMEBODYELSE'S BOAT...

IN SPANISH, A LANGUAGEI DO NOT SPEAK,

WITHOUT ID FOR CAKE.

OH, THE CAKE WAS MUY BUENO.

(Christian Finnegan)I LOVE DOGSBECAUSE THERE'S NOFILTER MECHANISM

BETWEEN THE DOG'SBRAIN AND ITS TAIL.

THERE'S NO FILTER THERE.

LIKE, IF A DOG IS HAPPY,THE TAIL IS WAGGING.

AND IF THE TAIL ISWAGGING, THE DOG IS HAPPY.

THERE'S, LIKE, THERE'SNO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE(bleep) LIKE HUMANS.

LIKE, "OH, THIS DOUCHE BAGTHINKS I'M HAPPY TO SEE HIM.

WHAT A (bleep)."

LIKE, THERE'SNONE OF THAT.

THERE'S NO FILTER THERE.

SO IT SEEMS OF ALL THECREATURES IN NATURE.

DOGS HAVE THE WORSTPOKER FACE, RIGHT?

THEY CAN'T BLUFFFOR (bleep).

WHICH THEN MAKES MEWONDER WHY THERE ARE

SO MANY PAINTINGS OFDOGS PLAYING POKER.

'CAUSE IF YOU THINK ABOUTIT, DOGS WOULD SUCK AT POKER.

I WANT IN ON ONEOF THOSE GAMES.

I WOULD TOTALLY CLEAN UP.

LIKE, YOU WOULD JUST WAITFOR THE CARDS TO GET DEALT

AND THEN JUSTLISTEN FOR THE TELLTALE

THAP, THAP, THAP, THAP,THAP, THAP, THAP, THAP.

ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'M OUT.

LOOKS LIKE CHOMPER'SPULLED A FULL HOUSE.

AND BAXTER'SLICKING HIS (bleep).

THAT'S GONNA BE WORTH ATLEAST TWO PAIR, I'M GUESSING.

(Todd Barry)I GOT ROPED INTOA CONVERSATION RECENTLY

ABOUT THE DEATH PENALTY.

THIS GUY'S LIKE, "WE GOTTAHAVE THE DEATH PENALTY

'CAUSE PRISONSARE LIKE HOTELS."

HOW ARE THEY LIKE HOTELS?

THEY'RE LIKE HOTELS 'CAUSETHEY GOT THE COLOR TVs, MAN.

OH, LIKE IN HOTELS.

THEY HAVE TO HAVE COLORTVs IN PRISON, PEOPLE.

DO YOU KNOW HOWHARD IT IS TO FIND

A BLACK AND WHITESET THESE DAYS?

I DON'T WANT MY TAXDOLLARS BEING SPENT

TO SEND PRISONOFFICIALS ROAMING FROMYARD SALE TO YARD SALE,

LOOKING FOR ANOLD MAGNAVOX

TO TORTURE THESE GUYS WITH.

(Kathleen Madigan)I COULD NEVER WATCH THESPORTS I WANNA WATCH.

LIKE, I ALWAYS WANTED TOWATCH FIGURE SKATING.

YEAH, TRY THAT WITHFOUR BROTHERS.

I'M NOT WATCHING THIS,ALL THESE GUYS ARE GAY.

YEAH, I KNOW THEY'RE GAY.

IF THEY WEREN'T GAY,THIS WOULD BE HOCKEY.

MY MOM WAS SO NAIVE.

I DON'T THINK THOSE FIGURESKATING BOYS ARE GAY.

I JUST THINK MAYBETHEY'RE LIKE SHOWMEN.

MOM, THEY MADETHEIR OWN OUTFITS.

MY MOM THINKSNOBODY'S GAY,

MY DAD THINKSEVERYBODY'S GAY.

OH, NOW HE'S A (bleep).

DAD, THAT'S THE POPE.

WELL, YOU NEVER SEEHIM WITH A WOMAN.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

NO STRAIGHT MAN WOULDWEAR A HAT LIKE THAT.

I DON'T CARE WHATYOUR MOTHER SAYS.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AFIGURE SKATER AS A KID TOO.

THAT WAS, LIKE, MYFANTASY DREAM.

BUT WHENEVERI WATCHED IT,

I THINK I WOULD HAVETOTALLY DONE IT ALONE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THESEPEOPLE HAVE ENOUGH CONTROL

OVER THEIR TEMPERS TO BEWORKING WITH A PARTNER.

BECAUSE IF I WORKED WITHSOME GUY FOR 15 YEARS

AND WE GOT TO THE OLYMPICSAND OUT OF NOWHERE

HE JUST FELL,

UH, I'D SKATE AROUND JUSTTO CHOP OFF HIS FINGERS.

I WOULD.

AND I WOULD NOT FEELBAD ABOUT THAT EVER.

NOW, WHEN YOU'RE NUBBING YOURCEREAL SPOON IN THE MORNING

YOU CAN LOOK ATTHAT BOX AND REMEMBERWHY WE'RE NOT ON IT.

(Patton Oswalt)WE'RE ON THE EDGEOF ARMAGEDDON NOW,

WE REALLY ARE.

THE APOCALYPSE!

LIKE, WE'RE PROBABLYGONNA DIE IN THE(bleep) APOCALYPSE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S KINDOF EXCITING ABOUT THAT?

IS THAT IF THE APOCALYPSEACTUALLY GOES DOWN,

AND I MEAN THE (bleep)BIBLICAL APOCALYPSE.

IF THAT STARTS TO HAPPEN, IMEAN, LIKE, (bleep) RENTSIN THE GROUND OPENING UP

AND DEMONS FLYING OUT ANDGNAWING ON YOUR FLESH.

IT MEANS A COUPLE THINGS--ONE, IT MEANS THAT I'M WRONG

AND THERE IS A GOD ANDTHERE IS AN AFTERLIFE.

TWO, IT MEANS THAT SINCETHERE IS AN AFTERLIFE,

YOU WILL BE IN THE (bleep)VIP SECTION OF THE AFTERLIFE

'CAUSE YOU'LL HAVE DIED INTHE (bleep) DAMN APOCALYPSE!

HOLY (bleep)!

EVERYONE ELSE UP INHEAVEN'S GONNA BE LIKE,

HEY, HOW DIDYOU DIE, MAN?

UH, BUS ACCIDENT.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

UH, FIRE ANTS.

AND THEY'LL GO,"HOW ABOUT YOU, MAN?"

AND YOU'LL GO,"HOW'D I DIE?"

THE (bleep) APOCALYPSE!

HOLY (bleep)!

I'M IN THE VELVET ROPESECTION, MOTHER (bleep)!

WHERE ARE MY--WHERE AREMY OTHER POCKIES AT?

WHERE ARE MY POCKIES?

COME ON, HIGH FIVE!

OH, IT WAS AWESOME!

THERE WERE THESE(bleep) VOLCANOES THATCAME OUT OF THE GROUND

AND THEY SPEWED MENSTRUALBLOOD INTO THE TROPOSPHERE!

AND IT FORMED INTOAVRIL LAVIGNE'S FACE!

AND SHE RECITED THE"PATCH ADAMS" SCREENPLAYFOR AN ETERNITY!

OH, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!

MEDIOCRITY HELD SWAY!

(Richard Jeni)ANOTHER REALLY GOODREASON TO WATCH

LATE NIGHT TV INSTEADOF THE DAYTIME TV,

IS THEY HAVE A LOT OFDISGUSTING MEDICAL PRODUCTS

ON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

HELLO, I'D LIKE TO TALKTO YOU ABOUT DIARRHEA.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

IT'S ALWAYS THESAME THING, RIGHT?

IT'S ALWAYS THE GUYWHO GETS THE DIARRHEAON THE COMMERCIAL

AT AN INCONVENIENT MOMENT.

AS IF YOU'VE EVERBEEN IN A SIT--

DO YOU KNOW THIS'DBE A GREAT TIMETO GET THE RUNS?

DON'T YOU THINK, HUH?

I MEAN, THE SUN'S OUT,WE'RE ON THE FERRIS WHEEL,

WHAT ARE WEWAITING FOR?

BUT THAT'S ALWAYSTHE COMMERCIAL.

THE GUY GETS DIARRHEAAT A BAD TIME.

IT'S ALWAYS A COMMERCIAL,LIKE, "GOOD LUCK ONTHE SCAFFOLD, JIM!"

I'LL SURE NEED IT WITHTHIS DIARRHEA, JOHN!

WHEN-WHEN WOULDYOU WANT THAT?

IN ROMANTICSITUATIONS, FOLKS?

THAT'D BE A GOOD TIME?

YOU KNOW, HONEY,THE KIDS ARE AWAY,

WE GOT BOTH BATHROOMSTO OURSELVES, HUH?

I'M THINKING WE CHILLTHIS BOTTLE OF MEXICANWATER I'VE BEEN SAVING,

YOU PUT THAT SHRIMPSALAD UNDER THE SUNLAMPFOR EIGHT, NINE HOURS,

WE'LL SLAP ON SOMEDEPENDS, AND SEE IF...

YOU KNOW, THERE REALLYARE TWO GOOD TIMESTO GET DIARRHEA,

WHEN YOU'RE BEHINDIN YOUR READING

AND WHEN YOUR CELLMATEMAKES HIS MOVE.

THOSE ARE THEONLY TWO TIMES.

BUT YOU NEVER GET A BREAKLIKE THAT WHEN YOU NEED IT.

(Chris Hardwick)A LOT OF PEOPLE COMPLAININ THE YEAR 2003

THAT IT'S NOT THEWORLD OF TOMORROW

AS WAS FORESEENIN THE 1950'S.

"WHERE ARE THE FLYINGCARS," PEOPLE SAY.

"WHERE ARE THE ROBOTSWHO BRING US BLUE DRINKS

AND WARN US OF DANGER?"

ALL RIGHT, WE DON'THAVE THOSE THINGSSPECIFICALLY, FOLKS,

BUT YOU KNOWWHAT WE DO HAVE?

LASER...

VAGINAL...

REJUVENATION SURGERY.

BUT, UH, EVEN IF THEYHAD FORESEEN THAT,

THEY WERE SO SEXUALLYREPRESSED IN THE '50s

THAT THEY NEVER WOULD HAVETALKED ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

THEY NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE,LIKE, NEWSREEL FILMS LIKE, UH,

(mimicking a tv announcer)THE WORLD OF TOMORROW,DATELINE 1954,

WHERE THESE DAYS VAGINAS AREBIGGER THAN McCARTHYISM.

A GENERATION OFMOTHERS AND WHORES

LOOKS TO SCIENCE TOSOLVE THE HOLE PROBLEM.

HEY, MOM, WHAT'SGOING ON DOWN THERE?

WHY, AFTER FOUR KIDS YOUCOULD RENT THAT THING OUT

AS A BOMB SHELTER.

BUT IN THE WORLDOF TOMORROW,

A HIGHLY CONCENTRATEDBEAM OF LIGHT FOCUSEDIN THE RIGHT SPOT

WILL HAVE DAD ASKING, "ISTHIS YOUR FIRST TIME?"

THUMBS UP, DOCTORWELDSNATCH, THANKS TO YOU,

THE FUTURE LOOKSVAGINAMAZING!

(Brian Posehn)COMEDIANS, UH,

IF YOU EVER SEE THEMTALKING ABOUT MOVIES,

THEY ALWAYS SAY THATBLACK PEOPLE RUIN MOVIES

WHEN YOU'RE INA MOVIE THEATRE.

IT'S SUCH A LIE.

IT'S USUALLY A(bleep) MOVIE

AND IT'S USUALLY ABLACK PERSON GOING,

"LOOK OUT, BITCH,HE GOT A KNIFE!"

THAT'S NOT RUINING,THAT'S HELPING.

THEY DON'T GIVE ITTO THE PEOPLE WHOACTUALLY RUIN MOVIES--

OLD JEWISH LADIESAND MEXICAN BABIES.

'CAUSE OLD JEWISHLADIES AREN'T HELPING,THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

"WHO'S HE?"

AND MEXICAN BABIESAREN'T SAYING ANYTHING,

THEY'RE NOT HELPING,THEY'RE NOT LIKE,

"LOOK OUT, BITCH,HE GOT A KNIFE!"

'CAUSE IF THAT HAPPENED,I WOULD (bleep) MY PANTS

AND GO HOME AND TELLEVERYBODY IT WAS THEBEST MOVIE I EVER SAW.

BUT INSTEAD, MEXICAN BABIESARE JUST RUNNING AROUND,

LIKE, PEERING OVERTHE SEAT AT YOU.

HELLO, I AM WEE,AND MEXICAN.

I CAME HERE ALONE.

I'M JUST RUNNINGAROUND UNATTENDED.

THE GUY AT THEDOOR WAS LIKE,

"YES, IT'S RATED R, ENJOY."

(Chelsea Peretti)I KINDA HOPE MY MOMDOESN'T EVER DIE,

IN THIS UNREALISTIC WAY, IKINDA HOPE SHE NEVER DIES.

WE HAVE AN INTENSERELATIONSHIP.

UM, SHE WASVISITING RECENTLY

AND SHE TOOK METO SEE A MOVIE.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW, IT WASWEIRD BECAUSE THE WHOLE TIME,

SHE WAS JUST WATCHINGME AND NOT THE MOVIE.

YOU KNOW?

AND EVERY TIME I WOULDEMOTE A LITTLE BIT,

SHE'D START, YOU KNOW,RUBBING MY THIGH

AND JUST SMILING AT ME.

SO I LEANED IN AND I JUSTSTARTED KISSING ON HER NECK.

YOU KNOW, JUST GENTLY...REAL GENTLE, AND, UM,

SHE DIDN'T MOVE, SHE WASJUST SORT OF STOCK STILL.

SO I STARTED NIBBLINGAND BITING ON HER EAR.

AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"CHELSEA, WHAT ARE YOUDOING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

AND I WAS LIKE,

MY GOD, I AM SO SORRY.

GOD, I FEEL SO AWKWARDABOUT THIS, UMM...

(sighs)I COMPLETELY MISINTERPRETEDALL YOUR SIGNALS.

UM, I-I MEAN, ITOTALLY THOUGHT THATWAS WHAT YOU WANTED.

I AM SO SORRY.

UMM, I HOPE THAT WECAN GO BACK TO BEING

JUST MOTHER ANDDAUGHTER, YA KNOW?

(Dana Gould)I THINK YOU OWE ITTO YOURSELF TO BE

POLITICALLY INCORRECT INAT LEAST ONE MAJOR AREA.

LIKE, MY THEORY IS, I AMNOT A BIG SPORTS FAN,

BUT I LOVE BOXING.

WHY DO BOXERS ALWAYS HAVETO FIGHT OTHER BOXERS?

I THINK WE SHOULD OPEN UPTHE PARAMETERS OF THE SPORT

AND LET MOREPEOPLE IN.

I THINK IT'D MAKE ITMORE EXCITING, YA KNOW?

(mimicking sports announcer)BIG EVENTS, "TONIGHTIN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN,

"ONE NIGHT ONLY, IRONMIKE TYSON VERSUS200 SCHOOLGIRLS!

ONE NIGHT ONLY!"

DON KING WILLPROMOTE IT...

YA CAN'T FIGHT IT!

WAVE AFTER WAVE OF SCHOOLCHILDREN COMIN' AT MIKE.

THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW.

THERE'S NO WAY TO TRAIN.

DO YA KNOW HOW HARDIT IS TO BITE THE EAR

OFF 200 CHILDREN?

YA CAN'T DO IT.

SUGAR RAY LEONARD VERSUSHIS WEIGHT IN FERRETS.