Extended - Thursday, November 3, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 11/03/2016

Tiffany Haddish, Brian Huskey and Jim Jefferies gripe about Starbucks cups, get the Devil's take on the election and try #5WordSeduction in this extended, uncensored episode.

WE ARE DAYS AWAY FROM THE 2016ELECTION, AND THE COUNTRY HASN'T

BEEN THIS DIVIDED SINCE WAY BACKA FEW WEEKS AGO WHEN WE WERE ALL

FIGHTING ABOUT THAT PICTURE OFTHE DOG WEARING PANTS TWO

DIFFERENT WAYS!

I DON'T KNOW!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RIGHTANSWER IS!

THEY BOTH SEEM PLAUSIBLE!

(LAUGHTER)BUT IF THERE'S ONE THING THAT

CAN BRING US TOGETHER, IT'SSTARBUCKS.

AH, STARBUCKS.

THEIR NEW CUP FEATURES A MOSAICOF OVER 100 DIVERSE PEOPLE WHO

WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY HANG OUT INREAL LIFE, BUT IT'S A NICE

THOUGHT.

MEANT TO BE A SYMBOL OF UNITY.

AND IT WORKED, 'CAUSE EVERYONELOVES IT.

OH, WAIT.

THEY DON'T, 'CAUSE FUCKING THEINTERNET.

(LAUGHTER)"NOW THAT BELOVED DIVERSITY HAS

BLOWN UP IN OUR FACES, THE LIBS@STARBUCKS HAVE BEGUN SHILLING

FOR UNITY.

LOL, COMMA, COMMA, COMMA, HOWTYPICAL."

(LAUGHTER)WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

HOW DO YOU SHILL FOR UNITY?

IT'S NOT A CORPORATION.

IT'S A CONCEPT!

HOW DOES THIS POSSIBLY ANGERYOU?

TAKE YOUR MEDS, PHILIP.

TAKE THEM.

(LAUGHTER)DO YOU NOT HAVE A SINGLE REAL

PROBLEM?

"I DON'T DRINK COKE 'CAUSE THECAN IS COMMUNIST RED.

DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ONTWIZZLERS.

THAT CANDY AISLE IS RIGGED!

IT'S RIGGED!"(LAUGHTER)

PEOPLE ARE USING THE CUP AS ANEXCUSE TO BE ANGRY, MUCH LIKE

I'M USING IT TO BE SARCASTIC.

SO, COMEDIANS, MANUFACTURE SOMEOUTRAGE ABOUT THE DELIGHTFUL NEW

STARBUCKS CUP.

TIFFANY.

>> THE CUP DOESN'T REALLYREPRESENT ACTUAL STARBUCKS

CUSTOMERS.

WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT AREMASTURBATING IN THE BATHROOM?

I'M JUST SAYING.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,POINTS, YEAH, YEAH.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)WELL, UH, FAP AND A FRAPPE.

THAT SHOULD BE THEIR NEW, UH...

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

THAT SHOULD BE THEIR NEW MOTTO?

COMPANY TAG LINE?

BRIAN.

>> MY COFFEE BEAN ARYAN NATIONTRAVEL MUG HOLDS WAY MORE

COFFEE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

JIM.

>> TO GET OUTRAGED, JUST USE THEREGULAR STARBUCKS CUP, BUT PUT

DUNKIN' DONUTS COFFEE IN THERE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)POINTS TO JIM JEFFERIES.

>> SWITCH IT UP, SWITCH IT UP.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)2016 REALLY HAS BEEN ONE FOR THE

AGES.

IT KIND OF MAKES YOU WONDERWHY... WHY THIS HAS BEEN THE

MOST CHAOTIC ELECTION OF OURLIFETIME.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF THERE'S SOMEKIND OF SUPERNATURAL FORCE AT

WORK, SOME KIND OF...

(SOLEMN MUSIC WITH CHANTINGPLAYING)

OH.

(MUSIC POWERS DOWN)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

OH, HE'S OVER THERE.

(COUGHING)DAMNATION, BONES.

I TOLD YOU I WANTED THE LIGHTINGEFFECT STAGE RIGHT.

STAGE RIGHT, GODDAMN IT!

RUINED MY ENTRANCE.

NOW I LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE.

HERE, HOLD THIS.

>> HARDWICK: I CAN'T...

(LAUGHTER)LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, GREG

PROOPS IS THE DEVIL?

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> I GO BY MANY NAMES.

SATAN, LUCIFER, BEELZEBUB, HEATMAN, THE NEMESIS, THE LORD OF

THE FLIES, LITTLE WARM BUTT,SPICY BOY.

(LAUGHTER)DOUG.

>> HARDWICK: DOUG?

ALL RIGHT. DOUG.

(LAUGHTER)SO, UH... SO, DOUG DEVIL, SPICY

BOY, WHAT ARE...?

WHAT ARE THE LATEST CAMPAIGNDEVELOPMENTS?

>> WELL, I'M JUST GLAD I COULDPLAY A PART IN THE GREATEST

ELECTION IN HISTORY.

IT'S BEEN SO MUCH FUN.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT THE PAPALCONCLAVE OF 1268 WAS

CONTENTIOUS, BUT THIS.

OOH, LA, LA!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: SO, YOU'RE

ADMITTING THAT YOU'RERESPONSIBLE FOR THE TRUMP

NOMINATION.

>> OH, FUCK, NO. I WISH.

(LAUGHTER)NEVER SAW IT COMING, BRO.

I ASSUMED THE GOP WAS GONNANOMINATE A GOLDFISH LIKE JEB

BUSH OR MARCO RUBIO.

I NORMALLY DON'T EVEN CONSORTWITH REPUBLICANS 'CAUSE OF THEIR

JESUS BULLSHIT, BUT...

(LAUGHTER)...THEN THEY ALL WENT TRUMP, AND

HE'S ALL WAR AND GUNS AND DEATHPENALTY AND RACISM, MINUS THE

DULL MORAL CENTER.

PLUS... HE LOVES TO CUSS AND EATFAST FOOD AND FUCK AROUND ON HIS

SERIES OF EASTERN BLOC WARBRIDES.

>> HARDWICK: OOH, NICE.

(LAUGHTER)>> AND... AND...

(APPLAUSE)MY HOMETOWN PAPER LOVES HIM!

>> HARDWICK: OH, YEAH, THAT'SRIGHT, THERE WAS THE, UH...

THERE IT IS.

>> THE KKK CRUSADER, OR, AS ITSREADERS CALL IT, THE

CRU-SUH-DER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: SO, UH, SATAN,

YOU'RE A VERY POWERFUL BEING.

>> YES, I WORK AT COMEDYCENTRAL.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: SATAN, YOU'RE ON

BASIC CABLE, SO I KNOW YOU HAVEA LOT OF PLACES TO BE.

>> MM.

>> HARDWICK: YOU SAW THE POLLS--CAN YOU TELL US WHICH WAY IT'S

GONNA GO NEXT WEEK?

WE HAVE NO IDEA.

>> HARDWICK: REALLY? WHAT AM I,NATE SILVER?

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW.

>> LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW, CHRIS,UH, MR. HARD-SOFT, BUT I...

(LAUGHTER)...I WIN EITHER WAY.

I MEAN, TRUMP'S BAT-SHIT CRAZY,AND HILLARY'S A WARMONGER, AND

HER ONLY PLAN FOR THE ECONOMY ISIN SNAPCHAT MEMES, AND SHE

PISSES OFF HALF THE COUNTRY JUSTBY BEING A WOMAN.

THE TWO-PARTY SYSTEM, WHOEVERWINS, I WIN.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

>> COMEDIANS, IF YOU WEREN'TLIMITED TO THESE TWO CANDIDATES,

WHO WOULD YOU PICK FORPRESIDENT?

>> HARDWICK: JIM JEFFERIES.

>> UH, BILLY BUSH, BECAUSE...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THAT'S AN

UNEXPECTED TURN.

>> YOU KNOW, HE'S OUT OF A JOBAND HE LOOKS GOOD ON TELLY,

SO...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)(SATAN CHUCKLING)

BRIAN.

>> UH, MY GOOD BUDDY BUTTERFARTS, BECAUSE HOW AWESOME WOULD

IT BE TO HAVE EVERYBODY SAY,"PRESIDENT BUTTER FARTS"?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT WOULD BEGREAT, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

(APPLAUSE)SO, UH, YOU KNOW, DEVIL, THIS

ELECTION'S MADE US FEEL LIKEWE'RE GOING CRAZY.

I MEAN, IT'S REALLY COMFORTINGTO LEARN THAT YOU HAD A HAND IN

THESE THINGS.

IT JUSTIFIES ALL OF IT.

>> WELL, I'VE BEEN AN AGENT OFCHAOS FOR THIS WHOLE CYCLE.

LOOK, HERE'S ME WITH TRUMP, ONHIS SHOULDER, TELLING HIM TO SAY

"NASTY WOMAN."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH.

>> AND HERE'S ME DISTRACTINGMAJOR BRAIN, GARY JOHNSON, WHILE

HE'S TRYING TO REMEMBER JUSTWHAT THE FUCK ALEPPO IS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I SEE

IT, I SEE IT NOW.

>> AND HERE I AM TAKING THE FORMOF A SUCCUBUS TO RUIN THE

MARRIAGE BETWEEN BRAD PITT ANDANGELINA.

>> YEAH!

'CAUSE HE GONNA BE MY BABYDADDY!

>> BY THE WAY, THAT WASN'TPOLITICALLY MOTIVATED, I JUST

WANTED TO GET WITH BRAD.

>> HARDWICK: GOT IT.

HE IS A STAGGERINGLY BEAUTIFULHUMAN BEING.

>> OH, YOU SHOULD SEE HIM FROMBELOW.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYTHE #HASHTAGWARS!

(CHEERING)SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE

INTERNET, PEOPLE HAVE BEENUSING IT TO FUCK, FROM THE

EARLIEST GEO CITY PAGES, TOMODERN DATING APPS, USERS HAVE

BEEN USING THE LATEST TECHNOLOGYTO GET EXTRA STANK ON THEIR

STANKIES.

ONE PROBLEM, THOUGH, ATTENTIONSPANS ARE GETTING WAY SHORTER,

SO BAE WON'T SIT STILL WHILE YOUSEDUCE HER WITH A LONG-ASS

SONNET.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE GONNA FLINGSOME WOO WITH THE SPACE OF A

TWEET.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#5WORDSEDUCTION,

#5WORDSEDUCTION.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, MY MOM'S ATBOOK CLUB, OR I BOUGHT

CUNNILINGUS FOR DUMMIES.

UH, IN 60 SECONDS, AND BEGIN.

TIFFANY.

>> BABY BATTER IN ME NOW.

>> HARDWICK (LAUGHING): POINTS.

POINTS. BRIAN.

>> I CAN EJACULATE IN STEREO.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JIM.

>> GRAB 'EM BY THE PUSSY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, UH...

POINTS.

BRIAN.

>> MY MOM THINKS I'M SEXY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

TIFFANY.

>> LUNCHABLES AND VIDEO GAMES.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)JIM.

>> OH, HI, CHRIS HARDWICK'S MOM.

(HARDWICK LAUGHING)(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I HAD TO PUT THE "OH" AT THEFRONT, SO IT WAS FIVE.

>> HARDWICK: I WOULD LOVE TOHAVE YOU AS MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND.

THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN, JIMJEFFERIES.

JIM.

>> OH, HI, CHRIS HARDWICK'SSISTER.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)>> I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. TIFFANY.

>> THIS IS A MATING CALL:(HOWLING)

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT'S NOT FIVE WORDS.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, IT IS ALL THESAME WORD.

>> THE LAST WORD IS LIKE ONEWORD.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, IT'S LIKE ONEWORD, IT'S LIKE ONE WORD.

>> TECHNICALLY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK (LAUGHING): POINTS.

UH, BRIAN.

>> STING TAUGHT ME TO FUCK.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JIM.

>> NETFLIX, NETFLIX AND CHILLAND FIST.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)YEAH, I DON'T THINK THE WORDS

CHILL AND FIST ARE ANYWHERE NEAREACH OTHER ON ANY SPECTRUM, BUT

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

>> GOT A RELAX INTO IT.

>> HARDWICK: YES, YOU REALLY...

(LAUGHTER)(GROANING)

(GRUNTING AND HOWLING)(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)