CC Presents: "My First Time"

  • Season 12, Ep 10
  • 02/07/2008

THAT I WOULD JUSTBINGE DRINK REALLY HEAVILYRIGHT BEFORE MY SETS.

AND, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE,THAT HAD ITS DRAWBACKS. UM--

BUT NOW I'M A PROFESSIONAL SO IPACE MYSELF THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

IT WORKS OUT A LOT.

MY OPENING JOKE--TOOK A LOT OF COMMITMENT,

IT HAD A LOT OF ACTING IN IT.I WOULD COME OUT-- [Chuckles]

THIS IS SO-- I CAN'T BELIEVEI'M REDOING THESE. UM...

I WOULD COME OUT AND I'D GO,

"WELL, I JUST HADTHE WORST DAY EVER.

UM-- THE WORST THING THAT COULDEVER HAPPEN TO A WOMAN

JUST HAPPENED TO ME.

AND-- I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF I CAN TALK ABOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WALKED BY ACONSTRUCTION SITE...

NOTHING.

NO WHISTLES, NO CATCALLS,NOT EVEN A GRUNT.

AND I WAS NAKED AT THE TIME.

SO LAME.

I QUIT SMOKING. AND--YOU KNOW I GAINED A FEW POUNDS.

WHICH IS REALLY IRRITATING.BUT I CONSOLE MYSELF BY SAYING

THAT IT'S A LOT HEALTHIERTO BE A NON-SMOKER THAN TO BE

A FEW POUNDS OVERWEIGHT.IT'S JUST NOT AS SEXY

AFTER MAKING LOVETO SHARE A BEEF DIP.

"CAREFUL WITH THE AUJU, PETER,I JUST WASHED THE SHEETS."

PETER? I DON'T KNOWWHO THAT WAS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DID-- I SAID I WASA LITTLE BIT PROMISCUOUS.

AND UM-- EVERY TIME I HAD TO--A COUPLE OF TIMES I HAD TO GET

A HOME PREGNANCY TEST.

AND WHEN I WAS WAITINGFOR THE RESULTS I'D BE LIKE,

OH GOD, PLEASE LET THISBE NEGATIVE. PLEASE LET--

IF THIS IS NEGATIVEI WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

AND THEN, OF COURSE, WHEN IT WASNEGATIVE I'D BE LIKE,

"WELL, I GOTTACELEBRATE SOMEHOW.

- GET BACK ON THAT HORSE."- [LAUGHTER]

WHEN I FIRST GOT INTOTHIS BIZ CALLED SHOW, I DECIDED

I WAS GONNA CHANGE MY NAME.MAKE IT MORE HOLLYWOOD.

AND HOW YOU DO THATIS YOU TAKE YOUR MIDDLE NAMEAND THE FIRST STREET

THAT YOU EVER LIVED ON.SO WHEN I FIRST STARTEDI ACTUALLY WENT BY

- SUE RURAL ROUTE TWO.- [LAUGHTER]

- VERY CATCHY.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU LAUGH, BUTTHAT JOKE MADE IT ALLTHE WAY TO LETTERMAN.

- [LAUGHTER]- [Chuckles] THAT'S TRUE.

I DON'T KNOW ANY OTHER LANGUA--

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BRAG,BUT I DO SPEAK PIG LATIN.

I MEAN, I'M NOT FLUENT,BUT I'M SUREIF I EVER WENT THERE

- I COULD GET BY.- [LAUGHTER]

MAYBE I'LL BRING THAT ONE BACK,YOU GUYS SEEM TO LIKE THAT.

IN CANADA,WE HAD A TELEVISION SHOW

THE CANADIAN VERSION OFYOUR CLASSIC TV SHOW COPS.

WHAT YOU GONNA DO, EH?AND, AH...

- [LAUGHTER]- [Chuckling]

THAT WASN'T AS EXCITINGAS THE AMERICAN VERSION.

IT WAS MOSTLY LIKE A COP GOING,"EH, PICK THAT UP.

SOMEBODY'S GONNATRIP OVER THAT AND REALLYHURT THEMSELVES, EH."

THERE WAS MORE TO THAT JOKE.THERE WAS MIME AND JUGGLING.

AND I DON'T KNOWHOW IT ALL CAME TOGETHER.

BUT IT'S A REAL CROWD-PLEASER.

IT'S HARD TO REMEMBERTHIS STUFF, YOU KNOW,

I HAVEN'T DONE THESE JOKESSINCE I FIRST STARTED DOINGSTANDUP LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO.

- AND...- [LAUGHTER]

I SAW THE HEAD OF "NOW",NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN,

SAYING THAT WOMENSTILL ONLY MAKE 70 CENTS

ON THE DOLLAR TO EVERY MAN.

WHICH I'M NOT SURE I'M GONNABELIEVE THAT, YOU KNOW.

WOMEN ARE NOTORIOUSLYBAD AT MATH.

- SO...- [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW IFI'M GONNA BELIEVE HERCALCULATIONS, RIGHT?

WAIT 'TIL A MAN FIGURES IT OUT,AND THEN--

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IS THERE ANYFEMINISTS IN THE AUDIENCE?DO WE HAVE ANY FEMINISTS?

[SCATTERED CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

OKAY, AT THE TIMETHERE NEVER, EVER WAS.SO-- [Chuckles]

AND THAT KIND OF [BLEEP] ME UPA LITTLE. ALL RIGHT.

I WOULD SAY, "ARE THERE ANYFEMINIST IN THE AUDIENCE?"

AND NO ONE WOULDEVER SAY ANYTHING.AND THEN I'D GO,

"NO, NOT WHEN THERE'SDINNER AND DRINKS TO BE HAD."

WHICH WAS FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE INA PLACE WHERE THERE'S ACTUALLY

DINNER AND DRINKS TO BE HAD.

SO I WAS KIND OFOBSESSED WITH FEMINISTS.

YOU KNOW, BUT THIS WAS,OF COURSE, TEN YEARS AGO,

NOW WE ALL KNOW THAT THERE'SNO SUCH THING AS A FEMINIST,

JUST WOMEN WHO PAY FORTHEIR OWN BREAST IMPLANTS.

THAT'S THE CLOSEST WE GETAT THIS POINT.

I JUST READ, UM-- [Chuckles]

I JUST THISIN A FASHION MAGAZINE--

"BOOBS ARE BACK."

JUST WHEN I THREW MINE OUT.OH. ISN'T THAT ALWAYS THE WAY?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I ALWAYS-- OKAY,THIS IS MY BIG CLOSER.SO GET READY.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO ALWAYS WEAR MY HAIRLIKE THIS,

BUT MY ARM WOULD GET SO TIRED.

WAS VERY SIMILARTO LOSING MY VIRGINITY.

IT WAS AWKWARD, UNCOMFORTABLE,BUT I DID GET A LOT OF LAUGHS.

JUST NOT WHEN I WASDOING COMEDY.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN I WAS AFRESHMAN IN COLLEGE,I WAS PART OF A

SKETCH ENSEMBLECALLED "THE NEW GROUP",WHICH LATER BECAME

- KNOWN AS "THE STATE." YES.- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THE FIRST THING WE EVER DID

WAS A VIDEO ABOUT HOW AUDIENCESHOULD BEHAVE AT A SKETCH SHOW.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU MAY RECOGNIZE MY COSTAR,MICHAEL IAN BLACK.

OR, AS HE WAS KNOWN THEN,MICHAEL SCHWARTZ

BEFORE HE CHANGED HIS NAMEBECAUSE HE'S A SELF-HATING JEW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, THAT WAS THE SAME YEARTHAT I FIRST DID STANDUP.

I ENTERED A COMEDY CONTESTON A BET AND I WAS TERRIFIED.

I'D NEVER DONE STANDUP BEFORE

SO I MADE UP A STAGE NAME,EDDIE ENGLISH.

AND I WORE THISLITTLE DRIVER'S CAP.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE CAPWAS SUPPOSED TO SIGNIFY

OTHER THAN THATI MIGHT HAVE BEEN A HIGH SCHOOLPRODUCTION OF OLIVER.

[LAUGHTER]

MOSTLY, THOUGH,I DID BAD IMPRESSIONS.FOR INSTANCE,

I DID AN IMPRESSION OFJOHN TRAVOLTA FROM THE TV MOVIE

THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE.WHICH WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

"HEY, I'M A BOYAND I'M TRAPPED INSIDETHIS BUBBLE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DID I WIN THE CONTEST? NO.

BUT DID I COME IN SECOND? NO.

BUT DID I COME IN THIRD? NO.

WERE THERE ONLYFOUR COMPETITORS? YEAH.

BUT IT WAS A THRILLINGAND TERRIFYING FEELING

AND I CAUGHT THE BUGFOR STANDUP THAT NIGHT.

I DREW FROM THOSE EXPERIENCESFOR THE VERY NEXT TIME

- I DID STANDUP 12 YEARS LATER.- [LAUGHTER]

SO I'M BACKSTAGE,

WHICH WAS JUST LIKE THE SIDEWALK OF A STRIPMALL

- AND...- [LAUGHTER]

I'M SCARED TO DEATH 'CAUSE I'MSUPPOSED TO PERFORM 30 MINUTES

AND I HAVE, LIKE,11 MINUTES TOPS.

AND THE TRUTH IS,I ONLY HAD SIX TOPICS.

I HAD LIKE A NOTE CARDLIKE THIS.

THIS ISN'T THE ACTUAL ONE,BUT IT WAS-- THIS WAS FROM LIKE

A COUPLE MONTHS LATER.BUT-- AND IT HAD SIX TOPICS

AND IT SAID TELETUBBIES,COOKIE MONSTER,

AH-- WHO WANTS TO BEA MILLIONAIRE,

- AH-- STICK INSECTS--- [LAUGHTER]

NOT-- NOT LIKE STICK BUGS.SOMETIMES PEOPLE CONFUSE THAT.

- THEY'RE LIKE, STICK IN SEX.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I'M BACKSTAGE AND I'M ONTHE SIDEWALK AT A STRIP MALL

AND I'M REALIZING THATTHIS ISN'T GONNA GO VERY WELL.

AND I SAY TO THE COMEDIANWHO'S, LIKE, THE HEADLINER,THIS GUY GREG. I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT HAPPENSIF I RUN OUT OF MATERIAL?"

AND HE WAS, LIKE, "OH,JUST MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS, LIKE,"WHENEVER I DO THAT,

- THEY PUNCH ME IN THE FACE."- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND SO I'M ON THE SIDEWALKAND I'M LIKE, SCARED TO DEATH.

AND THEY OPEN THE DOORAND THEY GO, "MIKE, YOU'RE ON."

AND THEN, I SWEAR TO GOD,I TURN AROUND

AND I THROW UP ON THE SIDEWALK

BECAUSE MY BODYDIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

IT WAS LIKE,"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

LET'S GET RID OF SOME FOOD,"YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I THREW UP.AND THEN I WALKED ON STAGE.

AS I HEARD THEM SAY,"PLEASE WELCOME MIKE BAHOOSKI."

AND I WAS SO MAD.IN MY HEAD I WAS LIKE,"YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY!

"YOU JUST SAID "B" AND THENWHATEVER YOU COULD THINK OF.

AND YOU MADE ME POLISH.THAT'S A VERY SPECIFIC CHOICE."

- YOU KNOW?- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I WENT ON AND I DID FOUR MINUTES OF COMEDY.

AND IT WAS--I WAS AWFUL.

AND I WALK OFF AND I GO TOTHE MANAGER OF THE BAR'S OFFICE.

IT'S JUST LIKEA CLOSET, YOU KNOW.

IT WAS JUST LIKE THISLITTLE TEENY ROOM.

AND I THOUGHT THATHE MIGHT HAVE A GUN.

OR LIKE HE'D LIKEPUNCH ME IN THE FACE OR WHATEVER'CAUSE THAT HAPPENS.

BUT HE DIDN'T.HE HANDED ME $50. YEAH.

AND THEN HE GOES,"DO YOU HAVE AN 8 BY 10PHOTOGRAPH OF YOURSELF?"

THESE PEOPLE, I WAS DOING COMEDY

FOR A LONG TIME BEFOREI DID STANDUP COMEDY.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,ME AND MICHAEL WERE IN"THE STATE" TOGETHER,

AND THAT WAS SKETCH COMEDY.BUT I'D ALWAYS REALLY ADMIRED

STANDUP COMEDIANS. BUT I DIDN'TKNOW HOW TO WRITE JOKES.

LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANY JOKES.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I DO.I'M A GUY WHO TALKS ABOUT

THE RUBIK'S CUBE ON VH1.THAT'S WHAT I DO.I DON'T KNOW ANY JOKES.

SO, LIKE, WHEN I FIRST STARTEDLIKE, MY BIG OPENING JOKE WAS

I'D COME OUT AND I'D BE LIKE,"HI. HEY EVERYBODY.

I'M RICK MARTINO."

- GET IT?- [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE JOKE IS,"MY NAME ISN'T RICK MARTINO."

HILARIOUS.

SO I DIDN'T KNOWHOW TO WRITE JOKES.

AND SO I LITERALLYWENT TO THE BOOKSTORE

AND BOUGHT A BOOK ABOUTDOING STANDUP COMEDY.

AND YOU CAN BUY THESE BOOKS.IRONICALLY, THEY'RE VERY DRY.

AND THE BOOK SUGGESTED THATYOU WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW,

YOUR FORMATIVE EXPERIENCES,AND ALL OF THAT.

AND SO I DECIDEDTO WRITE ABOUT WHEN I WAS KID.

'CAUSE, WHEN I WAS A KID,I WENT TO A SUMMER CAMP

CALLED CAMP NAJIWA.WHICH IS A JEWISH CAMPWITH AN INDIAN NAME.

AND WHAT YOU FINDIS THAT MOST JEWISH CAMPSHAVE INDIAN NAMES.

AND I THINK I UNDERSTAND WHY.

FIRST OF ALL, CAMP NAJIWA,OR CAMP APACHE, YOU KNOW,

THAT SOUNDS A LOT MORE FUNTHAN LIKE CAMP JEWY-JEW, RIGHT,

THAT'S JUST MORE FUN, YOU KNOW.

ALSO, I THINK JEWS CAN RELATETO PEOPLE WHO WERE ROUNDED UP

AND PUT IN PLACES WHERE THEYDIDN'T WANT TO BE, RIGHT?

BUT SO-- BUT MOSTLY WHATI WAS DOING IN THE BEGINNING,

AND, AGAIN, I'M GONNA NEEDBOTH HANDS FOR THIS.

MOSTLY WHAT I WAS DOINGIN THE BEGINNING

WAS CONCEPTUAL COMEDY, YOU KNOW.AND CONCEPTUAL

IS ANOTHER WORD FOR NOT FUNNY.SO I THOUGHT I WOULD RECREATE

ONE OF MY CONCEPTUALPIECES FOR YOU.

IT'S CALLED "CAT".

WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKETO BE A CAT?

I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKETO BE A CAT?

WHAT DO CATS HAVE?WHISKERS RIGHT?

CATS HAVE WHISKERS.I'M FEELING MY WHISKERS NOW.

HOW DOES A CATMOVE THROUGH SPACE?

MOVING THROUGH SPACE NOWAS A CAT.

USING MY WHISKERS TO SENSE.MY PAWS, CATS HAVE PAWS.

- SOFT PAWS. SHARP CLAWS.- [LAUGHTER]

HOW DOES A CAT USE HIS BODY?HIS BACK? ARCHES IT.

THE CONCEPTUAL.HE ARCHES HIS BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DID THE CAT DIE?WHAT KILLED THE CAT?

WHAT KILLED THE CAT YOU GUYS?

- Audience: CURIOSITY.- Michael: I HEARD CURIOSITY.

NO. FELINE LEUKEMIAKILLED THE CAT.

SO, I WAS GONNA TELL YOUABOUT MY FIRST TIME-- AH--

- BUT-- I-- I CAN'T REMEMBER IT.- [LAUGHTER]

AH, BECAUSE MY FIRST TIME,IT WAS KIND OF LIKE

UNDERGOING ANESTHESIA.

WHERE I JUST KIND OFCAME OFF STAGE AND I WAS LIKE,

"HOW'D IT GO?" YOU KNOW?

AND THEY'RE, LIKE,"YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY."

AND THEN MY LIPS WERE FROZENFOR A FEW HOURS.

I- A LOT OF OBSTACLES FOR MEBECOMING A COMEDIAN.

ONE IS THAT I WASN'TLIKE THE CLASS CLOWNIN SCHOOL GROWING UP.

CLASS CLOWN WASALWAYS THE MEAN GUYWHO WALKS FROM ROOMS

WHO'S LIKE, "YOU'RE FAT.YOU'RE GAY. I'M OUT OF HERE,"

- YOU KNOW?- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO MY FIRST TIME WAS IN,LIKE THIS COMPETITION.

IT WAS LIKE A CONTEST AND LIKEI SAID, I DON'T REMEMBER IT.

BUT THERE WAS A PERSONAT THE EVENT THAT ASKED ME

IF I WOULD PERFORM 30 MINUTESOF COMEDY AT A PLACE-- YEAH--

CALLED FAT TUESDAYS.WHICH WAS LIKEA BAR IN VIRGINIA.

AND HE SAID, "IF YOUDO 30 MINUTES OF COMEDY,THEY'LL GIVE YOU $50."

AND I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF.

LIKE, I ONLY HAVE LIKE11 MINUTES OF COMEDY.

- AND THEN I WAS LIKE, YEAH.- [LAUGHTER]

FAT TUESDAYSIS NOT A COMEDY CLUB.IT WAS LIKE A--

YOU KNOW, ONE NIGHTA WEEK THEY'D HAVE

COMEDY NIGHT OR WHATEVER.BUT THE THING IS, IS THAT LIKE

THERE'S NO QUALIFICATIONSFOR BECOMING A COMEDY CLUB.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS HAVEPHOTOS OF COMEDIANS ON THE WALL.

AND THEY DON'T EVENHAVE TO BE COMEDIANS.

THEY COULD JUST BE LIKE8 BY 10s OF LIKE YOUR FRIENDS.

SO I SHOWED UP.BUT I WAS SO IMPRESSED.I WAS LIKE, WOW,

ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ON THE WALLMUST BE INGENIOUSES, YOU KNOW.

I WAS LIKE, IS THAT GUY REALLYTHE ONE MAN TORNADO OF COMEDY?

[LAUGHTER]

THESE PEOPLE, I WAS DOING COMEDY

FOR A LONG TIME BEFOREI DID STANDUP COMEDY.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,ME AND MICHAEL WERE IN"THE STATE" TOGETHER,

AND THAT WAS SKETCH COMEDY.BUT I'D ALWAYS REALLY ADMIRED

STANDUP COMEDIANS. BUT I DIDN'TKNOW HOW TO WRITE JOKES.

LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANY JOKES.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I DO.I'M A GUY WHO TALKS ABOUT

THE RUBIK'S CUBE ON VH1.THAT'S WHAT I DO.I DON'T KNOW ANY JOKES.

SO, LIKE, WHEN I FIRST STARTEDLIKE, MY BIG OPENING JOKE WAS

I'D COME OUT AND I'D BE LIKE,"HI. HEY EVERYBODY.

I'M RICK MARTINO."

- GET IT?- [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE JOKE IS,"MY NAME ISN'T RICK MARTINO."

HILARIOUS.

SO I DIDN'T KNOWHOW TO WRITE JOKES.

AND SO I LITERALLYWENT TO THE BOOKSTORE

AND BOUGHT A BOOK ABOUTDOING STANDUP COMEDY.

AND YOU CAN BUY THESE BOOKS.IRONICALLY, THEY'RE VERY DRY.

AND THE BOOK SUGGESTED THATYOU WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW,

YOUR FORMATIVE EXPERIENCES,AND ALL OF THAT.

AND SO I DECIDEDTO WRITE ABOUT WHEN I WAS KID.

'CAUSE, WHEN I WAS A KID,I WENT TO A SUMMER CAMP

CALLED CAMP NAJIWA.WHICH IS A JEWISH CAMPWITH AN INDIAN NAME.

AND WHAT YOU FINDIS THAT MOST JEWISH CAMPSHAVE INDIAN NAMES.

AND I THINK I UNDERSTAND WHY.

FIRST OF ALL, CAMP NAJIWA,OR CAMP APACHE, YOU KNOW,

THAT SOUNDS A LOT MORE FUNTHAN LIKE CAMP JEWY-JEW, RIGHT,

THAT'S JUST MORE FUN, YOU KNOW.

ALSO, I THINK JEWS CAN RELATETO PEOPLE WHO WERE ROUNDED UP

AND PUT IN PLACES WHERE THEYDIDN'T WANT TO BE, RIGHT?

BUT SO-- BUT MOSTLY WHATI WAS DOING IN THE BEGINNING,

AND, AGAIN, I'M GONNA NEEDBOTH HANDS FOR THIS.

MOSTLY WHAT I WAS DOINGIN THE BEGINNING

WAS CONCEPTUAL COMEDY, YOU KNOW.AND CONCEPTUAL

IS ANOTHER WORD FOR NOT FUNNY.SO I THOUGHT I WOULD RECREATE

ONE OF MY CONCEPTUALPIECES FOR YOU.

IT'S CALLED "CAT".

WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKETO BE A CAT?

I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKETO BE A CAT?

WHAT DO CATS HAVE?WHISKERS RIGHT?

CATS HAVE WHISKERS.I'M FEELING MY WHISKERS NOW.

HOW DOES A CATMOVE THROUGH SPACE?

MOVING THROUGH SPACE NOWAS A CAT.

USING MY WHISKERS TO SENSE.MY PAWS, CATS HAVE PAWS.

- SOFT PAWS. SHARP CLAWS.- [LAUGHTER]

HOW DOES A CAT USE HIS BODY?HIS BACK? ARCHES IT.

THE CONCEPTUAL.HE ARCHES HIS BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DID THE CAT DIE?WHAT KILLED THE CAT?

WHAT KILLED THE CAT YOU GUYS?

- Audience: CURIOSITY.- Michael: I HEARD CURIOSITY.

NO. FELINE LEUKEMIAKILLED THE CAT.

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