Hughley, Ogata, Kaplan, Homer, Miele, Mauss, Von

  • Season 3, Ep 0307
  • 06/20/2008

That's nice.

(cheering and applausecontinues)

All right.

Well, that is very nice.Uh, I'm very happy to be here.

Now, is that...was that for me or the fact

that we're this closeto having a black president?

Is that... is that it?

Look at the white people.They ain't sure.

"Wait, it's not over yet, pal.Hang on (bleep)."

I didn't... I didn't think

it was gonna work outlike that, man, I didn't.

I didn't think no way in hellthe country was gonna vote

for a dude namedBarack Hussein Obama.

Ain't that something?

I was at home, like,"There ain't no way in hell..."

(gasps)

Did you see whenhe won the Iowa caucus?

He was the most shocked dudeonstage. He was like...

(laughter)

"I won?

Well, yes, we can, then!"

He said some ofthe coolest stuff

I've ever heard anybody say.

"We are the we we'vebeen waiting for."

I'm like, "Goddamn,if you ain't president,

I'm sure buyingyour first album. Damn."

(laughter)

Then we have stuffthat's going on.

You know, the FBI actuallyran out of money

and had to suspendits wiretapping program,

'cause it couldn't payits phone bill.

Now, that's when you needblack people for that,

'cause we will getthe phone to come back on

in somebody else's name.

Use FEMA's phone.

Like they answer theirgoddamn calls. That's fine.

Now we got stuff that'sgoing on that is amazing,

like the mortgage crisis now.

Who... who thought it wasa good idea to give a (bleep)

making $3.35 a houra million-dollar home loan.

Who thought that?

"You don't have to payright now!

See..."

I don't understand it, man.

And then you watch the newsand stuff happens.

You know, when you'rewatching the news,

you can tell what color a personis by the way they get killed.

Like, I was in San Franciscoeight weeks ago,

a tiger got outand attacked three people.

Now, I'm sure black peoplewere at the zoo that day,

but we respect our instincts:

"Is that a tiger?"

Not white folk: "A tiger!"

I'm not lying.

Stuff happens to white people

I have never... like,11 months ago, 11 coal miners

were trapped in a coal minein Utah,

and we used the most modernequipment known to man,

and we were unableto get them out.

A month and a half later,

3,500 black gold miners

were trapped in a gold minein Johannesburg, South Africa,

and the next day, every oneof them brothers got out.

'Cause black folkain't waiting for help.

Damn ya'll.

"Should we wait for help?"

"This is Africa,they will never come!

Dig, Umbutu, dig!"

Black people was popping outthe ground from everywhere.

"Oh, thank God!

Someone call Angelina Jolie.I need to be adopted! This..."

(laughter)

Stuff happens all the time,and then... you know,

I don't even know why you'd wantto be a... a political person,

because you're undersuch scrutiny.

Like, remember the gay senatorfrom Idaho

got caught in a bathroom tappingon the floor for gay sex,

which I had no ideawas a sign for gay sex.

But I'll never go

to the bathroom with an iPodagain, as long as I live.

Like, what happens

when you tap your footon the floor?

Does a big (bleep)drop out the ceiling, like a...

like an oxygen mask on a pla...?

Let's have another roundof applause when I'm done.

I saw this commercial recentlythat changed my life.

It was an anti-drug commercial.

And the way it changed my life

is, it made it30 seconds shorter.

It's the one where this girl'stalking to her dog,

and the dog's, like,"Don't smoke pot.

"You're a different personwhen you smoke pot.

I miss my friend.Don't smoke pot."

And that's the endof the commercial,

but I feel like if it went onfor a moment longer,

the girl would be, like,

"But I should keep doingmushrooms, right?

To facilitate this communication?"

And the dog would be all, like,"Yeah, mushrooms are cool."

Sincerely, though, if your dogtells you to stop smoking,

you probably should.

Either that or get a cooler dog,'cause your dog's a square.

I was in a Chinese restaurantrecently, and I was thinking

about how a small duckis called a duckling,

and I canceled my orderof dumplings.

'Cause I'm a vegetarian,and as a vegetarian,

I strongly support, of course,gay marriage, and, uh...

I support, uh, gay marriageas a vegetarian,

because I'm from Massachusetts,where we have marriage

of the gays, or to the gays,or with the gays,

whatever the preposition is.

Uh, probably "betwixt," I thinkthat's the gayest preposition.

So, we have marriage betwixtthe gays,

and a lot of people in theirarguments against it,

they jump to animals.

They're, like,"In Massachusetts,

"you can marry a gay person.

What's next,you marry an animal?"

What?

Like, if that made sense,

I'd use that kind of logicarguing as a vegetarian.

Be like,"You guys all eat animals.

Next thing you know,you're eating gay people."

It's not even the next step.From a gay person to an animal,

first, you marry a child,then three guys,

then a dead person,then an animal.

Like, what are youworried about?

"I now pronounce you dead gaybaby, dog and dude and wife"?

Like, "You may lickthe bride's ass."

That's not happening, everybody.

Nobody's marrying animals,'cause why buy the cow...

when you havea significant udder and, uh...

And that's where you guys aregonna judge me in that joke?

You're, like, "Necrophilia,we're with you.

Bestiality, hilarious.Puns, hold on."

Feel free to talk aboutbanging a dead dog.

Don't make a cleverwordplay about it.

Don't give a dog "a bone," okay?

It's not "puppy love."

Canine, not K-69.Fair enough. Fair enough.

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