Myq Kaplan cancels an order of dumplings, Shane Mauss turns off his passenger-side airbag, Liz Miele describes a creepy coworker, and Theo Von reveals that he has an old dad.
(cheering and applausecontinues)
Well, that is very nice.Uh, I'm very happy to be here.
Now, is that...was that for me or the fact
that we're this closeto having a black president?
Is that... is that it?
Look at the white people.They ain't sure.
"Wait, it's not over yet, pal.Hang on (bleep)."
I didn't... I didn't think
it was gonna work outlike that, man, I didn't.
I didn't think no way in hellthe country was gonna vote
for a dude namedBarack Hussein Obama.
Ain't that something?
I was at home, like,"There ain't no way in hell..."
Did you see whenhe won the Iowa caucus?
He was the most shocked dudeonstage. He was like...
Well, yes, we can, then!"
He said some ofthe coolest stuff
I've ever heard anybody say.
"We are the we we'vebeen waiting for."
I'm like, "Goddamn,if you ain't president,
I'm sure buyingyour first album. Damn."
Then we have stuffthat's going on.
You know, the FBI actuallyran out of money
and had to suspendits wiretapping program,
'cause it couldn't payits phone bill.
Now, that's when you needblack people for that,
'cause we will getthe phone to come back on
in somebody else's name.
Use FEMA's phone.
Like they answer theirgoddamn calls. That's fine.
Now we got stuff that'sgoing on that is amazing,
like the mortgage crisis now.
Who... who thought it wasa good idea to give a (bleep)
making $3.35 a houra million-dollar home loan.
Who thought that?
"You don't have to payright now!
I don't understand it, man.
And then you watch the newsand stuff happens.
You know, when you'rewatching the news,
you can tell what color a personis by the way they get killed.
Like, I was in San Franciscoeight weeks ago,
a tiger got outand attacked three people.
Now, I'm sure black peoplewere at the zoo that day,
but we respect our instincts:
"Is that a tiger?"
Not white folk: "A tiger!"
I'm not lying.
Stuff happens to white people
I have never... like,11 months ago, 11 coal miners
were trapped in a coal minein Utah,
and we used the most modernequipment known to man,
and we were unableto get them out.
A month and a half later,
3,500 black gold miners
were trapped in a gold minein Johannesburg, South Africa,
and the next day, every oneof them brothers got out.
'Cause black folkain't waiting for help.
"Should we wait for help?"
"This is Africa,they will never come!
Dig, Umbutu, dig!"
Black people was popping outthe ground from everywhere.
"Oh, thank God!
Someone call Angelina Jolie.I need to be adopted! This..."
Stuff happens all the time,and then... you know,
I don't even know why you'd wantto be a... a political person,
because you're undersuch scrutiny.
Like, remember the gay senatorfrom Idaho
got caught in a bathroom tappingon the floor for gay sex,
which I had no ideawas a sign for gay sex.
But I'll never go
to the bathroom with an iPodagain, as long as I live.
Like, what happens
when you tap your footon the floor?
Does a big (bleep)drop out the ceiling, like a...
like an oxygen mask on a pla...?
Come on, baby.Keep it going for live comedy.
How about that? Give it up.
From the South, man.Anybody else?
Hell, yeah, neighbor.
Rest of you guys knowwhere it is, right?
Lower than the North.
Second place in the Civil War.
What? Not bad. Runner-up.
Not bad for our first try.
And ready for the rematch,North.
Why do you thinkwe reenact it every year?
'Cause we're still practicing.
Man the rivers, bitches.
We got a nice crowd in here,huh?
A lot of white people, huh?
Don't clap for yourselves,white people.
Ya'll are doing just fine.
I like white people, man.
White people are cool.
Hard to stereotype, though.
Other cultures,other ethnicities easier.
Asian people eat foodwith sticks, drive like (bleep).
Good with some signs,like "plus" and "minus."
Bad with others, like "Yield"and "Go," you bastard.
Mexican people either builda Nativity scene
in the dashboard of their car--
hard to U-turn with allthose candles going, Umberto--
or teach their kidsto beat things with sticks
until they get whatthey want out of them,
like piñatas and tourists.
Black people,either dancing really well
or walking extremely slowlyacross the street.
Hurry up, black people!
You got new shoes on! Go!
Fastest people on Earthunless there's a street.
But I don't blame black people,man.
I'd go slow, too,if I had to wait
for a blinking white guyto say I could walk.
That's wrong, people,and we need to change it.
Make a difference. Be somebody.
Let's have another roundof applause when I'm done.
I saw this commercial recentlythat changed my life.
It was an anti-drug commercial.
And the way it changed my life
is, it made it30 seconds shorter.
It's the one where this girl'stalking to her dog,
and the dog's, like,"Don't smoke pot.
"You're a different personwhen you smoke pot.
I miss my friend.Don't smoke pot."
And that's the endof the commercial,
but I feel like if it went onfor a moment longer,
the girl would be, like,
"But I should keep doingmushrooms, right?
To facilitate this communication?"
And the dog would be all, like,"Yeah, mushrooms are cool."
Sincerely, though, if your dogtells you to stop smoking,
you probably should.
Either that or get a cooler dog,'cause your dog's a square.
I was in a Chinese restaurantrecently, and I was thinking
about how a small duckis called a duckling,
and I canceled my orderof dumplings.
'Cause I'm a vegetarian,and as a vegetarian,
I strongly support, of course,gay marriage, and, uh...
I support, uh, gay marriageas a vegetarian,
because I'm from Massachusetts,where we have marriage
of the gays, or to the gays,or with the gays,
whatever the preposition is.
Uh, probably "betwixt," I thinkthat's the gayest preposition.
So, we have marriage betwixtthe gays,
and a lot of people in theirarguments against it,
they jump to animals.
They're, like,"In Massachusetts,
"you can marry a gay person.
What's next,you marry an animal?"
Like, if that made sense,
I'd use that kind of logicarguing as a vegetarian.
Be like,"You guys all eat animals.
Next thing you know,you're eating gay people."
It's not even the next step.From a gay person to an animal,
first, you marry a child,then three guys,
then a dead person,then an animal.
Like, what are youworried about?
"I now pronounce you dead gaybaby, dog and dude and wife"?
Like, "You may lickthe bride's ass."
That's not happening, everybody.
Nobody's marrying animals,'cause why buy the cow...
when you havea significant udder and, uh...
And that's where you guys aregonna judge me in that joke?
You're, like, "Necrophilia,we're with you.
Bestiality, hilarious.Puns, hold on."
Feel free to talk aboutbanging a dead dog.
Don't make a cleverwordplay about it.
Don't give a dog "a bone," okay?
It's not "puppy love."
Canine, not K-69.Fair enough. Fair enough.
Wow. Holy smokes.
Okay, well, I, uh...
I noticed recently, um, that in my car
there is a buttonthat allows me
to turn off thepassenger-side airbag.
I use it all the time.
Someone starts complainingabout my driving...
"Slow down,you're gonna kill us!"
The, uh... the clock in my car,
it has an a.m./p.m.indicator on it.
That seems unnecessary.
If you don't knowif it's a.m. or p.m.,
you are in no conditionto be driving.
It should say the date.
I never know that.
I always gotta askrandom people on the street.
Sometimes they'lllook at me like I'm crazy
just for not knowing the date.
"You don't knowthe date? Are you mad?
It's the ninth."
So just to one-uphowever crazy they already
think that I am,I like to just grab them
and be like, "No, the year!
What year is it?"
You guys know this?
You know, with the rightpair of sunglasses...
you can take a dog anywhere?
It's a blind joke.
I, uh...I actually have a friend,
uh, who has glaucoma,and he's actually...
he's gonna be completely blindin a couple years
if I keep stealing his weed.
But... he's telling me he'staking all these blind classes
to prepare himselffor being blind.
Really interesting stuff.
Like, there's actually a blindetiquette I was unaware of.
Like, for example, when usinga cane, blind people,
they're just supposed to use,like, a little narrow sweep
just right in front of themfor their path, doesn't get
in too many people's way.
You know, it's actuallyconsidered rude
in the blind community to use awide sweep with the cane. Yeah.
So, since I found that out,now any time I see
some blind guy outwaving his cane around...
I'm like, "Hey, ass (bleep)--
What? Do you thinkyou own this road?
I wish you could seewhat a prick you are."