Tuesday, October 14, 2014

  • 10/14/2014

Jonah Ray, Justin Willman and Mamrie Hart come up with names for a titillating new dance move, list #HipHopBooks and write police reports for rowdy bachelorette parties.

IT'S 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS ANDTHIS HAPPENED ON REDDIT TODAY.

KIDS TODAY HAVE NO SENSE OFHISTORY WHEN THEIR POCKET

COMPUTERS AND THEIR DUBSTEPAND THEIR MALTED 4LOKO

BEVERAGES.

THAT IS WHY THIS CLIP OF A YOUNGPERSON EMBRACING SOMETHING

TRADITIONAL LIKE CLASSICALMUSIC, WHICH MADE IT TO THE TOP

OF OUR VIDEO, RAELLY GIVES MEHOPE FOR THE FUTURE.

LET'S ALL ENJOY TOGETHER.

NOW, WHAT'S EVEN MOREIMPRESSIVE, YOU CAN'T SEE OUT OF

FRAME, HER VAGINA IS DRINKINGA GLASS OF WATER.

THE ENTIRE TIME. IT'S REALLYTALENTED.

AND BECAUSE I AM SPIRITUALLY 15YEARS OLD, I FORCE PEOPLE AT OUR

SHOW TO MAKE THIS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: LET'S NAME THIS NEWDANCE CRAZE, JONAH RAY.

>> THE RECENTLY GENTRIFIEDHARLEM SHAKE.

>> Chris: OKAY. PERFECT.

EXCELLENT. JUSTIN WILLMAN.

>> MY (BLEEP) CARENA.

>> Chris: NICE.

VERY TIMELY.

>> I BELIEVE IT'S CALLED THE(BLEEP) YOU, DAD.

>> Chris: THANK YOU, MAMRIEHART.

LET'S START @MIDNIGHT!

>> WELCOME TO @MIDNIGHT.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

LAST NIGHT WWE MAIN EVENTERRANDY ORTON BEGAN TRENDING ON

VINE BECAUE PEOPLE ARE TAKINGYOUTUBE VIDEOS CREATED BY

USER STEVE OZZY AND THEY WEREREAPPROPRIATING THEM FOR THEIR

OWN ENDS.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE THIS ENTIRESHOW BUT ONLY SIX SECONDS AT A

TIME.

THE VINES DEPICT RANDY ORTONPERFORMING HIS FINISHING MOVE,

THE RKO, OUT OF NOWHERE.

LIKE THIS ONE, WITH A LITTLEHELP FROM STONE-COLD STEVE

AUSTIN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: THAT'S WHAT YOU GETFOR ASKING FOR ICE CREAM BEFORE

YOU FINISH DINNER, KID. YOU STEPINTO THIS KITCHEN, YOU'RE GOING

TO GET HURT.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING RANDYORTON VINES BASED OFF OF VIDEOS

CREATED BY STEVE OZZI GOT THEMOST LOOPS HERE.

A, THIS ONE.

I SWEAR TO GOD I COULD SPEND AWEEK WATCHING THESE.

B, THIS ONE.

>> IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT THATJACKSON KNEW -- RANDY ORTON WAS

HERE.

>> Chris: NOT ONLY IS HE NOTDEAD, HE WENT BACK UP TO THE

ROOF OF THAT SHED TO COLLECT HISTEETH.

C, C, THIS ONE.

>> IT'S RAND ORTON! WHAT IS HEGOING BACK FOR?

>> Chris: WHICH ONE OF THOSEGOT THE MOST LOOPS?

JONAH RAY.

>> B, BECAUSE I LOVE SEEINGSTUPID PEOPLE GET HURT.

>> Chris: OKAY. THE CORRECTANSWER IS B!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: NOW RANDY'S FINISHINGMOVE IS CALLED THE RKO. JONAH,

WHAT WOULD YOUR FINISHING MOVEBE?

>> PROBABLY THE TEAR-JERKER.

BECAUSE I AM REAL SAD ANDI ALWAYS HAVE TO FINISH MYSELF

OFF.

>> Chris: POINTS. JUSTINWILLMAN.

>> MY FINISHING MOVE IS TADA!

>> Chris: MAMRIE.

>> MY FINISHING MOVE IS PLEASEHURRY UP I HAVE TWO EPISODES OF

DANCE MOMS TO RECORD.

ITS NOW TIME FOR THEHASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: THE D-O DOUBLE GHOSTED THE BET HIP HOP AWARDS

TONIGHT AND ONCE AGAIN, I WASSNUBBED.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO NOTRELEASE A HIP-HOP ALBUM?

SO IN HONOR OF HIP HOPPING MOSTPRESTIGIOUS NIGHT, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #HIPHOPBOOKS.

EXAMPLES MAY BE HARRY POTTER ANDTHE 36 CHAMBERS.

SUGE KNIGHT MOON.

OR TUPAC A MOCKINGBIRD.

GOD DAMNIT. DON'T SUPPORT THAT.

I WILL PUT 60-SECONDS ON THEOLD CLOCK. GO.

JUSTIN WILLMAN.

>> TO THE COUNT OF MONTYKRISTOL.

>> Chris: YES. POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> HORTON HEARS A WHO DAT.

>> Chris: YES POINTS.

MAMRIE

LUDA-CHRISTMAS CAROL.

>> Chris: POINTS. JUSTIN.

>> LIL WOMEN.

>> Chris: POINTS. JONAH.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE WALKIN'AROUND LIKE THEY GOT SOMETHING

TO SAY, BUT NOTHING EVER COMESOUT WHEN THEY MOVE THEIR LIPS.

JUST A BUNCH OF GIBBERISH, LIKETHEY FORGOT ABOUT 50 SHADES OF

DRE.

>> Chris: POINTS.>> HOLY (BLEEP).

>> Chris: THAT WAS MASTERFUL.

JUSTIN.

>> THE GRAPE SODA OF WRATH.

>> Chris: POINTS. JUSTIN.

>> A TALE OF TWO CHAINS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> ATLAS THUG.

>> Chris: POINTS. JUSTIN.

>> SNOOP LION, THE WITCH, ANDTHE WARDROBE.

>> Chris: POINTS. JONAH.

>> THE BIBLE, WRITTEN BY KANYEWEST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JUSTIN.

>> WIZ KHALIFA OF A OZ

>> Chris: POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> THE GIRL WITH THE TEAR DROPTATTOO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY BUST OUT THEFUZZY HANDCUFFS.

BUST OUT THE FUZZY HANDCUFFS.

BACHELORETTE PARTIES ARE THATSPECIAL TIME IN A GIRL'S LIFE

WHEN SHE CELEBRATES HERCOMMITMENT TO THE SACRAMENT

OF MARRIAGE BY DEEPTHROATING ALIGHTSABRE IN A CHEESECAKE

FACTORY WHILE A MUSCULAROUT-OF-WORK ACTOR DRESSED LIKE

A COP RUBS HIS TAINT ON YOUREDIBLE TIARA.

AND EVERYBODY DRINKS COSMOSOUT OF A DICK STRAWS.

LUCKILY FOR US PICTURES OFSAID PARTIES HAVE MADE THEIR WAY

ACROSS ALL OF SOCIAL MEDIA TOKEEP THOSE BLACKOUTS ALIVE FOR

ALL ETERNITY.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO SHOWYOU THE PICTURE OF AN AWFUL

BACHELORETTE PARTY AND FOR 250POINTS YOU GIVE ME A LINE FROM

THE POLICE REPORT RIGHT AFTERTHIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN.

FIRST UP, THIS BELLY DANCER.

JUSTIN WILLMAN.

>> MALE STRIPPER FOUND IN EMPTYHOUSE.

REPORTEDLY NO LONGER HUNGRY.

>> Chris: Points.>> NICE.

>> Chris: I MEAN, IT'S NOT EVENTHE WORST THING HAPPENING IN THE

ROOM.

>> Chris: MAMRIE HART.

>> SUSPECTED METH LABFOUND IN STRIPPER'S (BLEEP).

>> Chris: OH MY GOD.

>> RIGHT UNDER THERE. RIGHTUNDER THERE.

>> Chris: WALT AND PINKMAN AREUNDER THERE.

NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS EVENING AT FREDDURST FANTASY A CAMP?

>> JESUS.

>> Chris: JONAH.

>> AA MEETING IN DETROIT GOESPERFECTLY TO PLAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

JUSTIN.

>> GENE SIMMONS TONGUE ARRESTEDFOR UNLAWFUL ENTRY.

>> Chris: YES!

>> I LIKE THAT THERE IS A LINEPOINTING THE LADY WEARING A

BASEBALL CAP.

>> THAT'S HOW THEY CHOOSE WHO ISGETTING MURDERED.

>> Chris: 100 POINTS TO MAMRIEFOR THAT.

AND NOW YOUR ANSWER, MAMRIE.

>> DAY-CARE BUSTED FOR EXPIREDPERMIT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> IT'S ODD THE BABY IS THE ONLYONE NOT CRYING.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THESE SASSY SENIORS.

MAMRIE.

>> 3 ELDERLY WOMEN CALLED TOREPORT THAT THEIR GRANDSONS

ACTUALLY VISITED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JUSTIN.

>> THE COPS SAY WE DIDN'T KNOWWHO THE VICTIMS WERE HERE SO WE

JUST SHOT THEM ALL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THESE WILD WENCHES.

YES, MAMRIE.

>> PARROT SNITCHES ON THREEDRUNK BITCHES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JUSTIN.

>> WE RECEIVED A BOOTY CALL,THREE SUSPECTS ARRESTED FOR

FAILING TO BATTEN DOWN THEIRSNATCHES.

>> OH!

>> Chris: YES, POINTS. WELLDONE.

>> NICE.

>> Chris: JONAH.

>> BLOOD TESTS SHOW THAT ALLTHREE OF THOSE WOMEN HAVE

HEPATITIS ARRR!

THE WORST ONE!

>> Chris: POINTS.

GODDAMN YOU, JONAH RAY. HOWDARE YOU!

LAST ONE.

THESE FROZEN FESTIVITIES.

>> JESUS.

>> Chris: THAT'S THEs $k LASTTIME THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN.

JONAH.

>> THE ICEMAN COMETH TAQUELIA.

>> Chris: BRAVOI! POINTS!

IT'S TIME TO PLAY SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS.

ONE OF THE BEST FEATURES OFSPOTIFY IS THAT YOU CAN BROWSE

BY PLAY LIST, WHICH IS HOW YOUEND UPCOMING ACROSS PEOPLE'S

WEIRDLY SPECIFIC PLAY LISTSLIKE MUSIC TO LISTEN TO ON THE

TOILET, AND FRAT COOKOUTS.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE COME UP WITHAS MANY TITLES FOR SPOTIFY

PLAYLISTS THAT YOU'D NEVER WANTTO HEAR.

IN 60 SECONDS, LET'S BEGIN.

JUSTIN.

>> BRUCE VALANCH.

>> Chris: POINTS. JONAH.

>> SCHINDLER'S PLAYLIST.

>> Chris: MAMRIE.

>> EMERGENCY GROBIN.

>> Chris: THAT IS MY FAVORITEONE.

POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> HOT AND NASTY REMIXESOF MONSTER MASH.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

JUSTIN.

>> PRE-PODCAST BANTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> SONGS IN THE KEY OFSMASHMOUTH.

>> Chris: POINTS. SOME-BODY. >> SOME-BODY.

>> Chris: POINTS. MAMRIE.

>> RACIST PARTY ANTHEMS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> POST-PINKERTON WEEZER SONGS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YOU (BLEEP)ING MUSIC NERD.

JUSTIN.

>> NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALLEDBAR MITZVAH MUSIC.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> BEST OF NICKI MINAJ RHYMING AWORD WITH THE EXACT SAME WORD-

LIST.