CC Presents: Hugh Fink

  • 06/25/1999

AND IT'S NOT A STAGE NAME.

IT'S MY REAL NAME.

AS A KID I SAID, "HEY, DAD,IS HUGH SHORT FOR HUBERT?"

( as father ):NO, IT'S LONG FOR ( sniffs ).

I TOOK A FRENCH CLASSWHERE THEY HAD EVERYONE

SAY OUR NAMES OUT LOUDIN FRENCH.

AND MOST GUYS NAMESSOUNDED PRETTY COOL.

FRANK... FRANCOIS.

MIKE... MICHEL.

HUGH... UGH.

I LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DATING.

I WAS DATING SOMEONEI REALLY LIKED.

BUT YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMESIN A MOMENT OF PASSION

THE REAL PERSON COMES OUT?

IT KIND OF FREAKS YOU OUT?

OH, YOU REALLY TURN ME ON.

OH, YES! OH, GOD! OH! OH!

THE JEWS CONTROL THE BANKSAND THE MEDIA!

( laughter )

I HATE WHEN YOU TAKE A WOMAN OUTTO A REALLY NICE PLACE--

SUDDENLY SHE REVEALS HOW TOTALLYCLASSLESS SHE IS, RIGHT?

THE MAITRE D' COMES OVER.

MADEMOISELLE, WE HAVETWO SALAD DRESSINGS--

EITHER THE HONEY DIJONOR HERB VINAIGRETTE.

WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER?

( with raspy voice ):RANCH!

I'D LIKE RANCH!

SEE, I'M AT THE POINT NOW

WHERE JUST BY TALKINGTO A WOMAN

I CANNOT ONLY TELLWHETHER SHE'S IN THE BALLPARK

BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M THE UMPIREOF THE CONVERSATION.

"YEAH, JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'TFINISH HIGH SCHOOL, YOU KNOW

DOESN'T MAKE ME STUPID."

STRIKE ONE.

"I JUST READ THISREALLY GOOD BOOK.

DIANETICS BY L. RON HUBBARD."

STRIKE TWO.

"I DON'T REALLY BELIEVEIN MARRIAGE.

I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONGWITH MEANINGLESS SEX?"

BALL.

"MY FANTASY IS TO BE INTIMATEWITH ANOTHER WOMAN..."

LOW AND AWAY.

"...WHILE SOME GUYI JUST MET WATCHES."

FULL COUNT.

"YEAH, I'VE BEEN IN THERAPYFOR, LIKE, SEVEN YEARS NOW..."

OOH, SWING AND A MISS.

" ...TRYING TO CUREMY NYMPHOMANIA."

BUT THE CATCHER DROPS THE BALL!

( applause )

SHE'S STILL ALIVE!

DIFFERENT EXPRESSIONS.

I WENT INTO A BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO.

I SAID, "HI. I'M LOOKING FORA JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME MOVIE."

"OH, WHY DON'T YOU CHECKTHE ASS WHIPPIN' SECTION."

( laughter )

BUT I WILL SAY THIS--

I THINK OF ALL STATESIN THE UNION

TEXANS ARE THE FRIENDLIEST.

THEY ARE REALLY GIVING PEOPLE.

IN FACT, TEXANS HAVEA VERY SIMPLE PHILOSOPHY

THAT SOLVE ALL SOCIAL PROBLEMS--

WHICH IS, "WELL,DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

"WE'LL TAKE YOU TO A TITTY BAR."

OH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, IN TEXAS,THAT'S HEALTH CARE.

YOU GO INTO ANY HOSPITALIN THE STATE OF TEXAS--

"I'M SORRY, SIR.

"YOU HAVE A MALIGNANT TUMOR.

"WHAT THE HELL, WE'RE GOINGTO A TITTY BAR.

HOW DOES THAT SOUND?"

I SHOULD KNOW.

I GREW UP IN INDIANA.

I GREW UP IN INDIANAWHERE WE HAVE EXPRESSIONS

LIKE, "TO MAKEA LONG STORY SHORT."

AND I DON'T LIKETHAT EXPRESSION

BECAUSE PEOPLE SHORTENTHE STORY SO MUCH

THAT I DON'T KNOWWHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

"WELL, WHEN I WAS 16,I MET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

"I MEAN, SHE WAS THE MOSTBEAUTIFUL GIRL I'D EVER SEEN

"AND WE STARTED DATING.

"I TOOK HERTO THE HIGH SCHOOL PROM.

"ANYWAY, TO MAKEA LONG STORY SHORT

SHE HUNG HERSELF."

( laughter )

"I WENT TO THE DENTIST

"AND THERE WASTHIS REALLY CUTE RECEPTIONIST

"AND SHE TOOK ME BACKTO THAT ROOM

"WHERE THEY DOTHE TEETH CLEANING...

ANYWAY, LONG STORY SHORT--PUFF DADDY'S MY UNCLE."

"THERE YOU GO."

NOW SEE, I JUST USED ANOTHEREXPRESSION FROM INDIANA--

"DID YOU ATTEMPTTO KILL THIS MAN?"

"UH, WELL, DID YOU ASK HIM?"

"YEAH, ACCORDING TO HIM,YOU STABBED HIM 11 TIMES."

"WELL, THERE YOU GO."

DIFFERENT TIME ZONES.

THIS IS THE EASTERN TIME ZONE

INDIANA'S CENTRAL TIME ZONE.

MY FATHERDOES NOT GET TIME ZONES.

I TALK TO HIM ONCE A WEEK.

WE HAVE THE SAME CONVERSATIONOVER THE PHONE EVERY WEEK.

"WELL, IT'S... IT'S 8:00 HERE.

"WHAT IS IT? 6:00 THERE?

"HUH? HUH?

"IT'S 1:30 HERE, SO WHAT IS IT?

"9:30 THERE? HUH?

"WELL, LET'S SEE--IT'S MONDAY HERE.

"SO, WHAT IS IT?WEDNESDAY THERE?

"HUH?

"IT'S SUMMER HERE.

"WHAT IS IT? WINTER THERE? HUH?

"IT'S THE INDUSTRIALREVOLUTION HERE.

"WHAT IS IT?THE PALEOLITHIC ERA THERE?

HUH?"

MY FATHER IS A NICE GUY.

HE USES SLANG TERMSTO DESCRIBE GAY PEOPLE

AND HE'S NOT HOMOPHOBIC

BUT HE GETS THE TERMINOLOGYA LITTLE CONFUSED.

"SEE THAT GUY OVER THERE?

"HE'S A BACKPACKER, HUH?

"HE'S A BACKPACKER.

"SEE THAT WAITER?

"YOU CAN TELL--HE'S A DOOR SLAMMER.

"HUH?

"K.D. LANG-- I HEARDSHE'S A BULLDOZER ALL THE WAY.

"HUH?

"SHE'S A CARPET CLEANER.

HUH?"

I WENT TO COLLEGEIN NEW YORK CITY.

MY FATHER CALLS ME UP.

HE SAYS, "IF YOU NEED CASH, MAKEA COLLECT CALL FROM HUGH BROKE.

"THAT WAY,I'LL WIRE YOU THE MONEY

BUT I WON'T HAVE TO PAY FORTHE LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALL."

SO, WHATEVER.

I FOLLOWED HIS INSTRUCTIONS.

I MADE A COLLECT CALLFROM HUGH BROKE.

A MINUTE LATER, MY PHONE RINGS.

"WE HAVE A PERSON-TO-PERSON CALL

FOR MR. HUGH BROKEFROM ROB BANK."

( laughter and applause )

LIKE THE KEVORKIAN TRIAL.

I SAID, "DAD, DO YOU THINKA FAMILY SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT

TO WITHDRAW LIFE SUPPORTON A LOVED ONE?"

"WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHICH KID."

THAT'S A CONTROVERSIAL ISSUE--THE RIGHT TO DIE.

PERSONALLY, I'LL BE HONEST--I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT IT

BECAUSE DOCTORS TAKE AN OATH

TO PRESERVE LIFEAT ALL COSTS, RIGHT?

AND YET, I THINK AN INDIVIDUAL

SHOULD HAVE A SAYIN THEIR OWN DESTINY

SO MAYBE THE BEST SOLUTION IS

TAKE THOSE OF US WHO BELIEVEIN THE RIGHT TO DIE

AND LET US KILL EACH OTHER.

AND WHY DOES IT HAVETO BE SUCH A SAD THING?

LET'S HAVE FUN WITH IT.

PUT US, EVERYBODY IN A STADIUM,HAVE A RINGSIDE ANNOUNCER--

"AT 38 POUNDS,FROM BETH ISRAEL HOSPITAL...

"THE GUY WHO'S BEEN IN A COMASINCE 1991

"MORTY 'THE RESPIRATOR'ZUCKERMAN!

...VERSUS OUR CHAMPION,THE LADY WITH RICKETS!"

IN NEW YORK CITY, BUT, UH...

I GOT TO BE HONEST--

I'M AFRAID OF EATINGIN CHINESE RESTAURANTS

BECAUSE I ALWAYS GETTHAT ONE CHINESE WAITER

WHERE I CAN'T TELLIF HE'S BEING SARCASTIC.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR.

THE KUNG PAO CHICKEN--IS THAT SPICY?"

"NO. SWEET."

( audience laughing )

( scattered applause )

"OKAY, I ORDERED EGG ROLLSAN HOUR AGO."

"OH, YEAH. THANKSFOR REMINDING ME."

"UH, I'M A COMEDIAN.

HERE'S SOME TICKETSTO MY SHOW."

"I'M SUREYOU'RE VERY FUNNY MAN."

YOU KNOW, I'M AT THE POINT NOW

I DON'T EVEN ORDER CHINESE FOODTO BE DELIVERED

BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO HIGH-TECH.

THEY COMPLETELY INVADEYOUR PERSONAL PRIVACY.

FRANKLY, I DON'T KNOWHOW THEY DO IT.

"HI. I'D LIKE TO PLACE AN ORDERTO BE DELIVERED."

"OH, IS THIS HUGH FINK?"

"YEAH. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?"

"WE HAVE YOUR VOICEON COMPUTER CHIP."

"OKAY, WELL, LET ME TELL YOUWHAT FOOD I'D LIKE."

"WE KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

HE'LL BE THERE IN SIX MINUTES."

"NO, NO, NO.

FIRST OF ALL,I'M NOT EVEN HOME RIGHT NOW."

"NO PROBLEM. WE HAVE A CROWBAR.

WE BREAK IN,JUST LIKE LAST TIME."

"BY THE WAY, WATER YOUR PLANTS.

"THEY LOOK LIKE CRAP.

"AND ONE MORE THING.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND--SHE FAKE ORGASM."

WE'RE GOING TO LOOK BACK

ON THE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGSOF BILL CLINTON

AND BE EMBARRASSED AS A NATION,ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY

THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSONIN THE WHOLE PROCESS WAS IGNORED

AND THAT WASSENATOR STROM THURMOND.

FIRST OF ALL, THIS GUY ISSO SENILE-- SENATOR THURMOND--

HE READS QUESTIONSTHAT HIS ASSISTANTS WRITE HIM

AND THEN, HE DOESN'T EVENLISTEN TO THE ANSWER.

"UH, MISS LEWINSKY

"CAN YOU TELL THIS COMMITTEE

DID YOU AND PRESIDENT CLINTONHAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS?"

"WELL, SENATOR, WHAT DO YOUMEAN, SIR-- 'SEXUAL RELATIONS'?"

"THANK YOU VERY MUCHFOR YOUR ANSWER.

"I HAVE NO FURTHER QUESTIONSAT THIS TIME.

"AND I WANT TO THANK YOU FORCOMING DOWN HERE, MISS LEWINSKY

"AND TESTIFYINGTO THIS COMMITTEE

"'CAUSE YOU'RE A REALPRETTY GIRL, YOU KNOW THAT?

"IF YOU DON'T MINDTAKING OFF THAT T-SHIRT

"AND SHAKING THEM BOOBIES

"'CAUSE I GOT A WOODYTHE SIZE OF CHARLESTON!"

I LOVE WATCHING LIVE,REAL COURTROOMS ON TELEVISION.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING TO DO

AND, UH, I KNOW JOHN GOTTI, JR.PLED GUILTY RECENTLY

BUT IN MY LIFETIME, I THINK

THE MOST INTENSE TRIALI'VE EVER SEEN ON TELEVISION

WAS HIS FATHER, JOHN GOTTI.

THAT WAS AMAZING,BECAUSE THE JUDGE ASKED GOTTI

IF HE'D LIKE TO MAKEA STATEMENT TO THE COURT.

NOW, COME ON.

WHAT'S GOTTI GOING TO SAY?

"YES, YOUR HONOR.

"I HAVE A STATEMENT PREPARED.

"YOU'RE DEAD!

"HOW DOES THAT SOUND? HUH?

"DEAD!

"AND THE JURY-- GUESS WHAT?

"YOU'RE DEAD, TOO!

"HEY, BAILIFF,YOU'RE ( bleep ) DEAD!

"THE GUY WITH THE CANDY MACHINEWHOSE NAME I DON'T...

YOU'RE ( bleep ) DEAD,MY FRIEND! DEAD!"

( applause )

I SAW THIS REALLY COOLDOCUMENTARY ON HBO.

IT WAS EX-MAFIA GUYS

WHO'VE BECOME GOVERNMENTWITNESSES, RIGHT?

AND ONE OF THEM SAYS,"I TOLD THE FEDS

"THERE WAS ONLY ONE PLACE

"WHERE I COULD WEARA HIDDEN MICROPHONE

"WHERE THEY'D NEVER SEARCH ME.

"SO THEY PUT IT IN MY, UH...

HOW DO YOU DO."

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE CALLED IT--

HIS "HOW DO YOU DO."

SO, LET ME GET THIS RIGHT:

THE MAFIA WILL KILL PEOPLEIN COLD BLOOD

YET THEY'LL REPLACEGENITAL EXPRESSIONS

WITH NICE GREETINGS.

"YEAH, THIS ONE TIME,THIS ( bleep ) OWED 50 GRAND

"SO I TOOK HIM TO AN ALLEYAND I SHOVED MY FIST

"UP HIS 'GOOD MORNING, NEIGHBOR.HOW'S THE WIFE AND KIDS?'"

MY FATHER TAUGHT METO LOVE SPORTS

AND EVEN THOUGH HE'S IN INDIANA

AND I'M IN NEW YORK

WHEN A BIG GAME'S ON TV

HE CALLS ME UP ALL EXCITED:

"WELL, IT'STHE NINTH INNING HERE

"WHAT IS IT--THE THIRD INNING THERE, HUH?

"IT'S THE N.B.A. HERE

WHAT IS IT--THE N.H.L. THERE, HUH?"

MY FATHER LISTENS TO THOSE ALLSPORTS RADIO SHOWS THEY HAVE

AND NO MATTER HOW EASY

THE TRIVIA QUESTION IS

HE NEVER GETS IT RIGHT.

I MEAN, THE EASIEST QUESTION.

THIS FORMER YANKEE,KNOWN AS THE SULTAN OF SWAT

ONCE HIT 60 HOMERS IN A SEASON

AND HAD A CHOCOLATE BARNAMED AFTER HIM.

( as father ):WAS IT CANDY MULDINADO?

I LOVE BASEBALL,BUT I REALLY THINK

THEY HAVE TO MAKE ITMORE INTERESTING ON TELEVISION.

'CAUSE I SAW THIS SPECIALON ESPN:

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE FIRST BASE COACH.

RIGHT? THEY PUT A WIRELESS MIKEAROUND THE FIRST BASE COACH

AND AFTER LISTENING TO THE SHOWAND WATCHING IT FOR TWO HOURS

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND

HOW IMPORTANTTHE FIRST BASE COACH IS.

( as sports announcer ):NOW BATTING, BOBBY BONILLA.

( as first base coach ):COME ON, BOBBY.

COME ON, BOBBY.

COME ON, BOB-OH.

( as announcer ):BATTING NEXT, BARRY BONDS.

( coach ):COME ON, BARRY.

COME ON, BARRY BOY.

( as announcer ):STEPPING TO THE PLATE,NOMAR GARCIAPARRA.

( coach ):COME ON, BOBBY.

THAT WE'RE ACTUALLY NOW ROOTINGFOR MIKE TYSON

TO GET BACK IN THE RING.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

AND TYSON-- I WILL SAY THIS:HE'S GONE THROUGH A LOT

AND HE'S FINALLY SPEAKING OUTON ALL ISSUES BESIDES BOXING.

MIKE TYSONON THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS:

( high voice ):YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S GREAT

THEY LET THESE, UH, HANDICAPPEDKIDS WHO WERE TAUNTED

IN WHEELCHAIRS, YOU KNOW,BOUNCE A BALL.

PUT THEM IN THE RING,I'LL FIGHT THEM.

( audience laughing )

MIKE TYSON ON MAYA ANGELO:

( high voice ):YEAH, MAYA ANGELO IS LIKE THISREALLY GREAT POET, YOU KNOW.

SHE'S CONTRIBUTED TO FEMINISMAND AFRICAN AMERICAN FREEDOM.

I'LL BASH HER FACEAND I'LL KILL HER.

I'D DECK HER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS CONTROVERSYIS STILL GOING ON IN SPORTS

OF TEAMS THAT HAVE INDIAN NAMESBEING PROTESTED.

THAT'S CRAZY.

LIKE, UH, ST. JOHN, THE REDMEN

ARE NOW CALLEDTHE RED STORM, RIGHT?

Man:RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

THE COACH IS THERE.

YEAH, I THINK THAT'S CRAZY

BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT--

A LOT OF TEAMSHAVE ETHNIC NAMES.

NOTRE DAME, THE FIGHTING IRISH.

MINNESOTA, THE VIKINGS.

YESHIVA UNIVERSITY,THE PRICE-SLASHING HEBS.

WHAT THE BIG DEAL?

I THINK THE SADDEST THING RIGHTNOW IN PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL

IS THE FACT THAT MAGIC JOHNSONDOESN'T DO PLAY-BY-PLAY ANYMORE.

YEAH, 'CAUSE HE WAS GREAT,AND DON'T GET ME WRONG--

HE'S MY FAVORITE PLAYEROF ALL TIME

BUT MAGIC HASTHAT REALLY BAD HABIT

OF SORT OF GETTING EXCITEDAND STATING THE OBVIOUS.

"SEVEN SECONDS LEFTON THE SHOT CLOCK

"WHICH MEANS,AS EACH SECOND TICKS AWAY

THERE'LL BE LESS TIME LEFTON THE CLOCK."

( laughter and scattered applause )

I THINK THE BEST ANNOUNCERIN ALL OF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS

IS CHICK HEARN,FOR THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS--HE'S AMAZING-- 79 YEARS OLD

AND NOT ONLY CAN CHICK HEARN

TELL YOU EXACTLYWHAT'S HAPPENING PLAY-BY-PLAY

BUT HE ALSO KNOWS OBSCURE FACTSABOUT ALL THE PLAYERS' LIVES.

"GLEN RICE BRINGS THE BALLDOWN COURT.

"RICE, A GERMAN LITERATURE MAJOROUT OF WEST VIRGINIA STATE

"BOUNCED PAST SHAQUILLE O'NEAL.

"O'NEAL, BORN C-SECTION

"AT THE NAVAL HOSPITAL,BETHESDA, MARYLAND--

"FAKES IT OVER TO KOBE BRYANT.

"BRYANT, WHOSE BROTHER TYREL,ACQUITTED OF SODOMY CHARGES

FEBRUARY 5, 1994--HE SHOOTS AND SCORES!"

( laughter and applause )

AT THIS POINT OF THE SHOW

BECAUSE PEOPLE GET SCAREDWHEN THEY SEE A VIOLIN.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSEWHEN YOU GO TO HEAR

THE NEW YORK PHILHARMONICIN CONCERT

YOU SIT IN YOUR SEATS

NOT KNOWING EXACTLYWHEN THE CONCERTO IS FINISHED.

( playing from Mozart'sEine Kleine Nachtmusik )

( playing final-sounding flourish )

( repeats final-sounding flourish )

( playing final-sounding chords )

( playing final-sounding flourish )

( playing final-sounding chords )

( playing final-sounding note )

( playing final-sounding chords )( laughter and applause )

( continues with final-sounding flourish )

( playing final-sounding note )

( playing different notes )

( playing final-sounding chords )

( loud cheering )

THANK YOU.

OF COURSE, GROWING UPIN INDIANA, I'D GIVE RECITALS

AND PEOPLE WOULD ASK MESORT OF INAPPROPRIATE QUESTIONS.

( playing dramatic melody )

UH, DO YOU KNOW "WHEN THE DEVILWENT DOWN TO GEORGIA?"

( audience laughing )

WE HAD A COUNTRY WESTERNRADIO STATION IN INDIANA.

IT BECAME CLASSICAL

AND THEY DIDN'T FIREANY OF THE DEEJAYS.

( playing slow classical music )

YOU'VE BEEN LISTENINGTO ROSSINI'S OVERTURE

LA GOTTA LADRA

WHICH IS ITALIAN FOR"ALL MY EX's LIVE IN TEXAS."

AND SAID, "DOES YOUR HUSBANDREALLY TALK THAT WAY?"

AND SHE GOES

( deep voice ):"NO, I DO."

( audience laughing )

WELL, EVEN THOUGH I STUDIED

CLASSICAL VIOLIN AS A CHILD

MY INSPIRATION FOR MUSICWAS JIMI HENDRIX AT WOODSTOCK.

HE PLAYED"THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER"

AND IT BLEW ME AWAY.

AND SO MY FANTASY IS BE INVITEDTO PERFORM THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

AT A BASEBALL GAME,WITH MY FIDDLE

AND I'M GOING TO PLAYHENDRIX'S VERSION ON IT.

( playing "The Star Spangled Banner" )

( playing screechy riff )

( playing strange riff )

( plucking strings )

( plucking strings )

( playing southern fiddle music )

( plucking strings )

( playing trill )

( continues trilling same note )

( audience cheering )

( with Southern accent ):COME ON, BOBBY.

( playing dramatic flourish )

Loading...