Chairs

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 03/04/2009

Demetri considers the many mysteries surrounding chairs.

LIKE, "WHO MADETHE FIRST CHAIR?"

OR "WHO MADE THE SECOND CHAIR?"

OR "IS IT OKAY TO LAUGH

WHEN A FAT PERSON SITSON A CHAIR AND IT BREAKS?"

[laughter]

AND "WHY ARE LIONS SO TERRIFIEDOF CHAIRS?"

I HATE SAVING A SEATIN A MOVIE THEATER.

A LOT OF TIMES, I'D RATHERJUST END THE FRIENDSHIP

THAN SAVE THE SEATFOR THAT PERSON.

"IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?"

"UHH, YOU CAN HAVE IT."

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO SITTO GET BAD NEWS?

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE,"I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

"YOU MIGHT WANTTO SIT DOWN FOR THIS

"BECAUSE IT ACTUALLYCOMES IN PRETTY LOW,

AND I NEED YOUR EARSAT THE RIGHT HEIGHT FOR THE..."

IT'S NEVER LIKE,"I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.

"STAND UP.GET ON THOSE TIPPY-TOES.

IT'S REALLY GOOD.IT'S GREAT NEWS."

"I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS.

I NEED YOU TO LIE DOWNON THE GROUND."

"OKAY, I HAVE NEWS,

"AND I'M NOT SUREIF IT'S GOOD OR BAD.

COULD YOU CROUCH ON ONE LEG?"

[quirky acoustic guitar musicwith clapping]

>> HEY, MAN.

AH, MAN,THAT MEETING TOOK FOREVER.

>> YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.I HAD TO PEE BEFORE IT STARTED.

>> YEAH, I HAD TO PEE,AND I DRANK A POT OF COFFEE.

>> YEAH, WELL, YOU HAD TO.

I MEAN, HOW ELSEARE YOU GONNA STAY AWAKE

THROUGH THAT BORE-A-THON?

>> YEAH, SNORE-A-THON.

>> [chuckles] YEAH.

>> NICE.

YOU KNOW WHO LIKESTO HEAR HIMSELF TALK?

>> WHO?>> JOHNSON.

>> OH, MAN,DOES THAT GUY EVER SHUT UP?

>> ONLY WHEN HE'S SHOVELING FOODIN HIS MOUTH.

>> AH, WHAT A DISGUSTING,FAT PIG.

HE'S A MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE,SLOTH-LIKE, GREEDY, RANCID,

ROTTING FROM THE INSIDEAND THE OUTSIDE,

PROBABLY RACIST POD.

HE'S SWINE. HE'S A PIG.HE'S A PIG MAN.

HE'S A SWINE.

[shudders audibly]

>> YOU KNOW WHO I HATE?

>> WHO?>> PHIL.

>> OH, MAN, THAT GUYMIGHT BE THE WORST PERSON

I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

>> YEAH, I WISH THIS URINALWERE HIS FACE.

>> IF I WAS IN A ROOMWITH PHIL AND HITLER

AND I HAD ONE BULLET,I'D SHOOT PHIL.

>> I'D SHOOT MYSELF,

JUST IN CASE THE ONE BULLETDIDN'T KILL PHIL.

IDIOT.

>> DID YOU SEE HIM THE OTHER DAYAT THE WATERCOOLER

TALKING TO HENDERSON AND COOPERTELLING 'EM SOME LAME STORY,

AND, YOU KNOW, THOSE GUYSARE SITTING THERE,

TRYING TO LOOK INTERESTED.

>> YEAH, YAWN.

GOD BLESS THOSE GUYS

FOR ACTING LIKETHEY WERE INTERESTED AT ALL.

>> YEAH, THEY'RE DOUCHE BAGS.>> TOTAL DOUCHE BAGS.

I HATE THOSE GUYS.

YOU KNOW HENDERSON'SBANGING COOPER'S WIFE?

>> YEAH.I MEAN, EVERYBODY DOES.

>> YOU KNOW WHO I DO LIKE?>> WHO?

>> THE NEW GUY.

>> OH, THAT GUY'S HILARIOUS.

>> HE'S HILARIOUS.>> HE'S REALLY FUNNY.

DID YOU HEAR THAT STORYABOUT HOW HE ACCIDENTALLY SLEPT

WITH A MALE PROSTITUTE?

>> IS THAT HOW HE GOT HERPES?>> YEAH, I GUESS.

EITHER THATOR HIS STAY IN PRISON.

>> OH, RIGHT.HE WAS IN PRISON.

DID I TELL YOU THAT LAST WEEKENDI HAD TO SEE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL?

>> OH, GOD, CIRQUE DU "SO-LAME,"MORE LIKE IT, HUH?

>> I HATE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL.

WHAT? YOU'RE STACKING PEOPLE?>> YEAH.

>> COME ON, JUGGLE FIRE.LIKE, IMPRESS ME.

I DON'T KNOW, FIGHT A LION.>> MM-HMM.

I'LL SEE YOU IN THERE.

>> I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU.HAVE A GOOD ONE.

>> BARE BONES.>> BARE BONES.

DOUCHE BAG.

[door clicks]>> HMM? WHAT WAS THAT?

>> UH, I JUST CALLED YOUA DOUCHE BAG.

>> [laughs] ALL RIGHT, [...].>> [laughs] LATER.

CAN BE FOUND ON AMERICA'SNEWEST AMUSEMENT RIDES.

FIRST, A NEW TWISTON AN OLD CLASSIC:

THE FERRIS WALL.

thump! crash!

THE ANTICIPATORIS A NERVE-RACKING CLIMB

UP 5,000 FEET.

YOU'LL GO HIGHER AND HIGHER,UP, UP, THROUGH THE CLOUDS,

AND JUST AS YOU REACHTHE POINT OF NO RETURN,

YOU GET OFFAND WALK DOWN THE STAIRS.

SO DISAPPOINTING,IT'S THRILLING.

PREGNANT LADIES,TIRED OF THE MAN

TELLING YOU THATYOU'RE NOT ALLOWED ON RIDES?

FINALLY, A RIDEFOR PREGNANT WOMEN ONLY:

THE CORD.

>> WHOO!

[baby wailing]

>> TURN A NIGHTMAREINTO A JOYRIDE

ON THE DRUNK DRIVER.

>> GIVE ME THE KEYS.

>> I'M FINE.[belches]

[engine turns]

>> ON THE DRUNK DRIVER,FRIENDS LET FRIENDS...

crash!

HAVE FUN.

AND SAVE THE BEST FOR LASTON CERTAIN DEATH.

FIRST YOU ARE SHOT IN THE FACEBY A MAN WITH A LARGE GUN.

[gunshot][faint scream]

THEN YOU ARE CATAPULTED

THE LENGTHOF THREE FOOTBALL FIELDS

WHERE YOU LANDON A GLASS COFFEE TABLE.

[glass shatters]>> OH, LORD.

NEXT A TEAM OF TAIWANESELITTLE LEAGUERS

WILL BEAT YOUWITH ALUMINUM BATS.

[faint yelping]

FINALLY,YOU WILL BE SET ON FIRE

AND TOSSED INTO A POOLOF HUNGRY CROCODILES.

>> [weakly] YAY.

>> WARNING: SOME RIDERSMAY NOT EXPERIENCE DEATH.

>> HEH. FUN.

[applause]

[mellow acoustic guitar music]

AND DO A QUICK ANALYSISOF SITTING.

"SITTING ANALYSIS."

LET'S GET INTO IT.

SITTING PRESENTSCERTAIN PARADOXES.

YOU KNOW, WE SIT TO RELAX,BUT WE ALSO SIT TO WORK,

LIKE, ALL DAY AT WORK.

WE SIT TO EAT, TO GET FOOD,

BUT WE ALSO SITTO GET RID OF FOOD.

IF WE WANT TO SAY PUT,WHAT WE DO IS, WE SIT,

BUT IF WE WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE,WE SIT,

LIKE, IN A CAR OR ON A TRAIN.

IN FACT, THE FASTESTI'VE EVER GONE WAS SITTING

ON AN AIRPLANE.

I CAN GO 500 MILES PER HOURJUST SITTING SOMEWHERE.

IF YOU GET UP AND RUN TOWARDSTHE FRONT OF THE PLANE,

YOU CAN GO 505 MILES PER HOUR.

UNTIL THEY TACKLE YOU.

[chuckles]

THEN YOU GO BACK DOWNTO 500 MILES PER HOUR.

AND THEN, LATER,YOU GET TO SIT SOMEWHERE

FOR A VERY, VERY LONG TIME.

SOMETIMES WE SIT

WHEN IT'S NOT THE MOSTAPPROPRIATE POSITION TO BE IN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, ON AN AIRPLANE,

IT WOULD BE BETTERTO BE LIKE THAT.

THAT'S A MORE APPROPRIATEFLYING POSITION.

LIKE, "YEAH, I'M FLYING.

THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD BE LIKE."

HAVE, LIKE, A GLASS FLOORTO THE PLANE.

IT'D BE AMAZING.

THE STEWARDESS COMES UP."CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?"

"NO, I'M COOL. I'M FLYINGOVER ARIZONA RIGHT NOW.

I GOT IT."

I WANTED TO GET AN L-COUCH,

BUT MY APARTMENT'SNOT BIG ENOUGH,

SO I HAD TO GETA LOWERCASE L-COUCH INSTEAD.

AND THIS ONE ISAPPARENTLY GOING THROUGH

SOME SORT OF TIME WARPOR SOMETHING.

[chuckles]

MY FRIEND PAID $1,700 FORA COUCH THAT TURNS INTO A BED.

I WAS LIKE,"DUDE, YOU WASTED YOUR MONEY.

EVERY COUCH TURNS INTO A BED.

YOU JUST GOT TO LIE ON ITLONGWAYS.

IF YOU DRINK ENOUGH BEER,EVERYTHING TURNS INTO A BED.

A LITTLE MOREMAKES EVERYTHING A TOILET.

CHAIRS CAN REALLY TEACH YOUABOUT YOUR STATUS IN LIFE,

LIKE THE BEANBAG CHAIR.

IF YOU'RE IN A BEANBAG CHAIRAND YOU'RE OVER 40,

YOU FAILED.

>> ♪ YEAH, YEAH

"FLOATING LIKE THE WINGSOF A DOVE

IS A THING CALLED LOVE."

>> OH.

>> YEAH, SO THAT'SWHEN I STARTED

A RECYCLING PROGRAMIN MY HOMETOWN

WHICH THEN SPREADTHROUGH THE WHOLE STATE.

NAVY SEAL IS A STRONG TERM.

IT WAS MORE LIKE I DIDA RESIDENCY.

I JUST FEEL LIKE "COMMITMENT"

IS THE MOST ATTRACTIVE THINGIN THE WORLD.

>> ME TOO.>> I LOVE MOMS.

>> YOU WANT TO DANCE?>> I'D LOVE TO.

[pulsing dance music playing]

[dance music playing faintly]

[footsteps]

>> ANGELO.>> ANGELO?

>> YOU LIKE MAKING OUTWITH OTHER GUYS' GIRLFRIENDS?

>> HE MUST'VE PUT SOMETHINGIN MY DRINK, ANGELO.

>> I DIDN'T PUT ANYTHINGIN HER DRINK.

>> AHH, YOU LIKE CALLINGOTHER GUYS' GIRLFRIENDS LIARS.

YOU HEAR THAT, GUYS?

HE LIKES CALLINGOTHER GUYS' GIRLFRIENDS LIARS.

I GOT PLANS FOR YOU.

>> [chuckles]

[machine whirrs]

>> HEY, YOU HUNGRY, JASON?

HUH?

>> HO-HO-HO. OOH.

>> BON APPETIT.

>> HELP!

[rat squeaks]

HELP!

>> [laughing]

>> YEAH, "POO-POO PLATTER"WITH "Os."

>> HOLDING MY BREATH.YOU GET IT?

I'M ACTUALLY HOLDING IT.

>> YOU'RE A FUNNY GUY.

[laughing]

[sighs]

HEY, THIS PARTY IS BORING.LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

>> [squeals]>> WHOA!

>> SOME MORE OF THATBUBBLE JUICE, YEAH, BABY.

OOH, BABY, I LIKE THAT ACTION.

>> I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAMES,LADIES, BUT I LIKE YOU.

>> IT'S OKAY. WE LIKE YOU TOO.

>> AND, YOU, GLAD I SATNEXT TO YOU. THANKS, MAN.

>> SIT WITH ME;YOU GET PLACES.

>> YEAH!>> YEAH, PARTY!

[laughter]

[tires screech]

>> YO, DRIVER!EYES ON THE ROAD, DIPS[...]!

>> YEAH, TELL HIM, KID.TELL HIM.

[soft whirring]

>> ANGELO?

>> YOU LIKE TELLING PEOPLEWHAT TO DO?

[punches landing]

>> HIT HIM IN THE NECK.

>> I'M SORRY.>> YOU'RE SORRY?

YOU'RE SORRY?[mumbles]

[machine whirrs]

>> HELP!

[applause]

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